I woke up early to get Jordan ready for the ticket buy he was going on with Susan. I got Cassie and let her go back to sleep for another hour - I did too. Then I found out that she didn't have shoes for PE. So I told her she could miss her first two periods and then she had to go to school. I had to take off to go to classes at Heartland. Today's classes were Cognitive Therapy Self Care. We worked on a work sheet on the different kinds of wellness - physical, social, spiritual . . . Then the next one was Dual Recovery and it was kind of like Group Therapy except that you talk about the issues you have around your addiction. Mine, of course, is food. I think maybe if I had support I might actually be able to get beyond it. But I don't know. All I know is that I have been feeling down all day. It's just gotten worse and worse.
By the time I got home from classes I ate a chicken leg and a sausage link. Then I got online for awhile but I was so tired. I so just wanted to go to sleep. But I went and picked up Cassie. Then we went to pick up Katie Kelly from her grandma's. Katie really smelled of BO. I don't just say that and it has to be bad for me to smell it. Anyway, as soon as we got home I had Katie take a shower and change clothes. That worked. Then my mom wanted to go make copies of something and I wanted to get tortillas so we went to Albertson's. I also picked up cookies on sale which I probably shouldn't have done, but did and also got black olive slices and a bottle of water. My mom also gave me money to get a "Woman's World" magazine.
Making dinner wasn't easy. I have been so tired and achy to boot. My mom cooked stuff. I made the burritos and Cassie and Katie Kelly fried the burritos. I just had no energy. And then Cassie got upset because she feels Jason and Susan talk about me behind my back and I'm sure they do. But it still hurt to hear about it. I thought about saying something to them, but I don't want them getting upset with Cassie so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. But I'm sure that's adding to my depression. I even had a desire to cut on my arm for about an hour, but I think I'm passed that now. It's been awhile since I've felt that and I wanted to give in. The only reason I didn't was because I don't want to fall into that trap. It's a crappy coping skill. I had to admit I really, really wanted to cut though. I guess that feeling is still with me, but not as strong as it was earlier.
I did write My Aussie tonight and I did get an email from him this morning, I believe. I love hearing from him. Wish I could hear from him right now because it would make me feel a little better. What would be even better is getting a hug from him. He's like a big teddy bear and he's such a sweet, caring person. If I close my eyes and concentrate I can feel him hold me. But it's hard to concentrate. I HATE feeling like this. I did take an extra paxil this morning, so that could be making me more tired than usual too. But I was this tired yesterday and I didn't take the extra paxil then. I don't know.
Anyway, I'm watching the season opener of "Sanctuary" at the moment and then I think I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep. I just wish I wasn't feeling depressed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. But today kinda sucked.
No comments:
Post a Comment