Holly Not So Jolly Christmas and Beyond

Well, Christmas was actually very nice though Christmas Eve was one of the WORST I had ever had. Jason was a total ass and yelling about Ajay and pulling all kinds of crap. He got angry with Cassi because she screamed and cussed him out about how he was treating Ajay - her BEST friend! It just got all out of hand. I was angry, frustrated and went to bed before Jason and Susan came home from Susan's mom's. I did go to sleep after taking extra med to make me SLEEP! But it was definitely the WORST Christmas Eve ever. I hope that Jason is somewhere else or I am next holiday. I won't have him ruin another holiday season! In fact, Christmas morning I didn't want to wake up. But Jordan eventually woke me up for his stocking. Cassi and Ajay had spent Christmas Eve at my mom's. It was just a sad evening. At least I made Chili Mac. That was yummy!

Eventually Jordan got me up. He and I took pix of us with our stockings. I had a hard time getting ready to go to my mom's for Christmas. Jason and Susan were gone. Jason had worked the night audit shift and from there Susan picked him up and they went up to her brother's house for Christmas. It was no picnic for her either. She had to put up with Jason.

Butt once I got to my mother's, it was a good day! We ate, opened gifts - which I was thrilled to have gotten a couple things I had not expected! I was given a book, a check for $20 and a gift card to Walmart for $25! It was awesome! Tim tried to get me into a debate and I stopped it before it could go anywhere. He got so miffed that he left! LOL! I was irritated and yet happy at the same time. Does that makes sense? 

I also watched "A Walk To Remember," that Tim was supposed to watch with Nancy and Rudolpho. It was a good movie but not one I would add to my collection. I did enjoy it though. It was worth watching for sure. Butt it's a movie I would really just watch once.

Also I had some Chocolate Milk Wine! YUMMY!! It got me tipsy really fast and lasted about 20-30 minutes! That was cool! If I could get some for New Year's Eve, I would! In fact, maybe I will depending on how expensive it is.

I also had pie and then left after saying bye to everyone and giving Jordan a BIG hug! :-) So I had a pretty great day! Then I came home . . . :-( Jason started into his attitude about he wants an apology from Cassi for her yelling at him. Personally I think she should apologize for the screaming, but not apologize for cussing him out. He is allowed to being an ass all the time to everyone. It's not fair and not right. Other people have feelings too and Cassi won't let him get away with shit like that. But he started in on demanding an apology so I started to go back to my room and he said I didn't have to go, so I just put my stuff down and came back out. Guess what the fricken baby did? When I came out he went into his bedroom!! Okay, what? He had to make a stupid point or something? I don't know. I didn't get it, but it pissed me off. I think he apologized to me, bu to be honest I don't remember. Maybe it was because he is always apologizing and I just don't believe it's true anymore.

The day after Christmas was fun! I got to do some shopping with my Gift Card! I bought some more off-brand Splenda because I'm almost out. I also got the movie "Traitor" for $3. A movie "Savages" for $5 and "Ron White A Little Unprofessional." I can't wait to watch that one! Ron White is soooooo funny! I also finally bought myself a new wallet since my other one got stolen. It's pink fake alligator skin and it's perfect! I can't shove tons of receipts into it! My old one was mostly full of receipts! :-P 

When I got home, I parked on the street to shut Jason up about Ajay in my car in the parking lot of the apartments. He can't do ANYTHING about it now. It's my car and it's on the street! He can't do shit! Yay! 

On December 27th I took Ajay with Cassi to the Welfare office in El Cajon so he could turn in some food stamps paperwork and set another appointment. From there, we were hungry. I had a couple of dollars and Ajay had a dollar and a dime - just enough for two tacos for a $1 at Jack in the Box. We went inside, got our tacos, and talked. I kept track of the time and planned to get back in time to take Jason to the trolley. I did, but as he and I went to leave, Ajay was coming into the complex. Jason starts getting in his face saying he can't be here. That he is trespassing, and all this shit. I told him he was going to talk to his mom! OMG! What an ass! Then we're going to the car and Cassi yelled at him again and though I didn't see is face, but by his body language I could tell he was in a rage! I couldn't really get out of my car fast enough to do anything so I was holding my phone waiting for my daughter to scream! It turns out that she blocked his way at the gate with the gate for a minute that might have had just enough time for him to realize what he was doing or something. But eventually he just went to the apartment to lock the door. Which was stupid because he had to know that I would just open the door as soon as I got back - a whole 10-15 minutes maybe.

When he got back in the car, he spend the rest of the time trying to convince me he wasn't going to hit her. That he would never hit a kid.Had I ever seen him hit a kid? But I knew he had been ready to hit her. Body language doesn't lie and he spent THAT much time trying to convince me he wasn't going to and never would hit her? Yeah. Okay. I vented to Susan when I had a chance and after that, I have been on edge waiting for him to do something I can call the cops on him for. Isn't that sad? He was one of my best friends. I had left him blow up on me so many times, reducing me to tears, but I would eventually brush it off and never really think about it again. But that's how I dealt with abuse and I NEVER put it together until recently. I love him, but I am so angry inside when it comes to him. I just am and I don't think it's going to go away until we are no longer near each other like this.

Yesterday was okay. He and I stayed away from each other most of the day. He did push me to bake something and I really didn't want to, but I made cookies. They did turn out pretty good and he heated up dinner for us. 

Today he seemed okay, but God knows who he'll be when he gets back. Ugh! I just need to get something to eat and keep my mind busy!

There is NO Excuse for Abuse

Well, I saw this coming for awhile. My friends Scott and Kathleen are heading for a divorce. To be honest they have for a couple or years now. They were tied financially, of course, but there were things going on that I should have gotten more involved with, but didn't because I was worried about losing my friendships I guess. But as it turns out, when Kathleen told me what had really been going on for awhile and what I had witness and experienced part of myself I looked up domestic violence. There are specific warning signs and Scott hit every single point. Plus some of these things overlap Narcissism. I think he has tendencies of Narcissism but he's not full on. But he s verbally abusive an he does have a tendency to think just because he says sorry to you that you're instantly supposed to forgive him and act like nothing happened. I can do that because I have lived in a family where there would be a verbal altercation and then once it was over everyone pretended like it didn't happen. I can compartmentalize stuff because of it, I think. Anyway, I love him, we have been friends for years and I hate the pain he's in, but I have even asked Kathleen why she was still with him before. I'm not saying she's perfect either. They both let this go on way longer than they should have. It's possible to literally kill someone's love for you by your words and actions and I honestly feel he doesn't get that. I told him point blank that I wouldn't have put up with his shit. He would have been in jail at least once and that's if I even stayed around after that! Then he tells me he knows he's abusive and that he'll go get help for it. I told him I would have given him an ultimatum - get help or get out! But then I thought about here at my mom's house doing laundry that HE should have gotten help after the first time he hit her! So he can't blame her for staying and not leaving or demanding that he get help. Scott should have done it himself! I mean, come on! After once if you''re not in jail you know something is wrong with you! If you want a loving relationship wouldn't you take it on yourself to get help instead of waiting for the other person to say it? Because basically you're saying - if you don't tell me to get help I'm just going to stay the abusive jerk I am. Okay, maybe a lot of this is anger. But I made Kathleen promise me that if he touched her in a violent way again that she would drop him off and go or call the police. After being through something similar, I will NEVER put up with it again. That's why when he started talking to me about moving out together - I had considered it. But really thinking it through,, I can't be with someone abusive and I have already experienced the verbal abuse. He wouldn't dare touch me because I told him what I told Kathleen. That she needed to call the cops on his ass if he ever did it again. I feel like I am just bagging on him, bu how am I supposed to be more angry with Kathleen for having online affairs when he's driven out the love she had for him and he doesn't get it. And let's face it, when our needs are not getting met we turn to other people for that. I'm not saying it's a good or wise choice, but faced with abuse constantly - not physical as much, but a lot of verbal abuse. It will kill all feeling for someone or turn them into someone that hates you. And when I get triggered by Scott's crap that says something. I have gone through a lot of verbal abuse in my time and I am pretty good with coping, but with all this going on it's effecting me. I'm having nightmares every night. It sucks! Last night I dreamed about sharks and kids and trying to rescue this little girl while trying not to be eaten myself. Another one where somehow I had set my blanket on fire, though it wasn't really fire. It was like it was melting my blanket away in some weird fashion. I was able to make it stop, but my blanket was warped after that. I have had many other nightmares, but these were the ones I remember just from last night. 

I just feel so in the middle and maybe I put myself there I still love Scott. I really do and I will probably be his friend forever if it's meant to be, but I also think this marriage of theirs should end and Kathleen has told him she is done. And Scott loves to say that he doesn't talk bad about anyone . . . yeah, right and I don't just mean about Kathleen. He's talked shit behind my back too. Generally my rule is everyone talks behind everyone's back. Just keep it out of my earshot. But then he tells his mother and cousin about this crap going on. Nice, right? If he wanted to honestly make the marriage work, he would have shut his mouth and found a good friend to talk to, but I think the problem is I'm his real, honest friend. He has work friends and whatnot, but no one really close. That's something that my Ex-Husband ha in common with Jason. That and talking to his parents an of course, just telling his version of events to make me out to be the bad guy. Then he would twist things around again and turn it to me that his parents didn't like me (They actually did like me - well his mom did. I think John is a lot like his father if that says anything). I mean, if I needed to talk to someone, I found a friend and sometimes I didn't tell anyone. In fact, my parents didn't know my Ex had hit me until the divorce when my son told him of an incident where he witnessed it. My mom didn't really understand and for years after kept asking me if I missed John and didn't I ever want to get back together with him? Yeah, are you on drugs?? Anyway, when my dad asked about it I told him the truth. I never wanted to tell him while  was married because my Dad use to love to tell about his friends that had been in the mob. I met one of the guys and he was wonderfully nice to me! Anyway, I figured if my Dad knew that he would see to it that John never did that to me again. But you know, the physical was never as bad as the emotional and verbal abuse. I grew up with it, so I can vouch for that 100%. 

But all of this are just bringing up things up for me. It makes it hard on me because I do love Scott, but I can't abide the way he's treated Kathleen. I just can't. I did point things out to him today, but the sense is that he really isn't wanting to truly change. I could be wrong, but he should have tried to from the very first inkling of abuse. I just think he says it to try to keep things together and whatnot. I don't think he wants to admit anything is really his fault. He says how good he's been and he does have a generous streak, but then, he uses it for ammunition later. This is abuse. NO ONE should ever hold something like that over someone's head. Either you did it to be generous - in which case that would be the end of it. But if it's not and they use it as "I did this for you," then it's abuse. Generosity is given, not used later to inflict pain. 

Okay, I'm starting to lose my way on this a little bit. I guess I still have so much anger toward people that abuse others, not just me. And I do love Scott, but I can't keep putting me and Cassi in the way of his abuse. I just haven't been willing to confront him because I don't want more strife for us, but it's not fair that he gets away with it on any of us and I guess it's hard for me to actually see him for what he is - an abuser. Not to say I didn't see it before, but it was a lot worse than I knew. It hurts, but it is what it is. It's the truth. He needs help for himself if he EVER hopes to get into another relationship. But this one with Kathleen is over. He said he felt like both Kathleen and I didn't want him there that we'd be happier without him. The truth is that it's true. I don't like his drama - HIS house, HIS control, what HE wants and if you don't go along with him . . . well, I'm sure you can figure out how that goes. But his are the only feelings that matter and if he does hurt you, well, then he says he's sorry and you need to forgive him immediately. Of course, he only really apologizes once he realize that he came off like an ass. That he looks like a bad guy and he doesn't want to be the bad guy. I suppose I should be fair and maybe he does feel bad after. But just to think everything is hunky-dory after you say the cruelest remarks you can think of and then apologize after acting like you did nothing wrong? Yeah, that's an issue for me. 

I don't want to be angry with him. I don't want to really take sides though I have because of his own actions, but I'm not going to say he wasn't hurt too during this. Katheen has not been feeling well, She had been very tired and she wanted understanding and comfort from someone that she wasn't getting from her own relationship. He would catch her time and time again. If that wasn't a clear sign things were over, I don't know what was. But this kind of thing happens when you hurt someone so much that you become someone that's not safe to talk to. That you caused the problems and won't do anything about them!

Okay, I think I just ended up in a loop cycle! It all feeds into each other and keeps going until someone say "I am FINISHED!" I think I talked Scott into at least sticking it out for the holidays, if nothing for Kathleen's kids that he claims to love so much. He was talking about leaving Friday - screw her and the kids and leave it at that. I told him that if he really did love those kids he wouldn't do that to THEM! So then he says that him saying that to Kathleen was just a scare tactic. Nice, huh? Did I mention that Scott is a vindictive ass? I don't like that in people either. It's sad because I'm realizing just how much I don't like about him. But he was there for me through my divorce and he helped me get SSI and really has been a support. Of course, get him angry and that because what HE did for me. Been there done that . . . UGH! My head hurts. This sucks. I love them both, but abuse is not acceptable PERIOD! That's where I stick to my guns from here on out. Nothing else I can do.

It's a Relatively Holly Jolly Start to the Holidays

Thanksgiving at my mother's ended up being a lot nicer than I expected. It was me, the kids, Nancy, her boyfriend, Tim and Taylor an of course my mom. Tim pretty much stayed out of everyone's way. That was for the best. Of course, he didn't look very good either. He looked like he was just so tired and in pain with his back. I did feel a bit bad for him. Of course, I found out he took the alarm clock that he had GIVEN to Jordan. What an ass! So though I feel bad for him, I don't feel that bad. He is such a petty horse's ass. But other that unpleasant business (which I found out as we left) I had a great time! The food was delicious as always! Nancy was in a great mood, which I think was due a lot of her boyfriend. He is such a nice guy too! We all chatted a bit and watched James Bond movies. :-) Then they broke out something I hadn't really heard of. I wasn't sure it would be good, but it was delicious! It was called chocolate wine! I didn't have very much knowing I had to drive in a bit, but it does taste like chocolate milk with an aftertaste of alcohol - not wine. But it was delicious! That might be on my want list for sometime next year! Maybe for Valentine's day since it will probably be me celebrating alone, but you know, I am happy with myself so I am okay appreciating the love I have for myself now!

Anyway. we had pie too, though I only had room for a single piece of pie - Black Berry!!! OMG! It was so good!! It was just so nice too have such a good holiday meal! When I went to leave with Cassi, we also took Jordan. He was coming over to spend the night because the next day was our annual feast with Jason and Susan. It was so good!! Then I went to Walmart because the holiday hours had started. I didn't figure in the fact that they had sales going on THEN! Yeah, that's about as close to Black Friday I have been in a long time. It was a little fun after awhile as I figured out how to get places I needed to go AND what's even better is the fact that I got pretty much ALL my Christmas shopping done! Isn't that awesome? It was worth fighting the crowds to get what I needed then rather than later. Cassi however left to home about half an hour in. Jordan stayed with me. Eventually I had to send him to sit down at McDonald's and wait. I joined him after a bit. We hung out and got drinks. When it looked like things had died down I did my last bit of shopping for the night. I went to the book aisle. It had a big line there and I asked what they were waiting for. Turns out there was a Tablet deal going on. But some nice people let me into the book section though it was tight, but I was able to get two books I needed to Christmas presents. 

Then next day I ended up sleeping late so I didn't really help with a lot of it. Of course, I didn't even get home until after 11pm. Susan got the turkey in the oven, made the green salad - YUMMY! I did make my mashed potatoes with sour cream and lots of cheese. And she also made the stuffing and the candied yams! So good! I opened cranberry sauce, but I'm really the only one that eats it. Then we had rolls, a ranch cheese ball with holiday wheat thin crackers, They are really cool looking. My favorite is the snowflake image. :-) Neal and Dillon were supposed to come over, but Dillon ended up having to pull a double shift where he works and Neal didn't want to come without him. As it turned out, it was probably a good thing. The turkey was a bit small and might not have fed all of us. My mom thought the turkey was going to be for the kids and I, but I wanted to save it for our feast. I just wish it had been a couple pounds bigger. It was good though!

Jason wasn't really social unfortunately. Of course, he had to work and by the time he came home he was tired. Susan, Cassi and I ate good! Jordan slept through most of it. He woke up when it was time for pie so he got pie first and then ate his dinner! LOL! Why not have dessert first, right??

It was pretty calm and not as fun as it could have been, but it was still great! The food, us together and I took pix of both Thanksgivings, put I haven't uploaded them yet.

Here is the sucky thing and let this be a warning to those of you that haven't gotten a flu shot yet - the very next day after that, Cassi came down with the flu! Plus, I was completely broke until December 2nd. Good thing I still had some cough and flu pills from the last cold I had. Then I also gave her some ibuprofen to help ease the pain. She aalso had a fever though I don't know how bad it was. I didn't have a thermometer and neither did Susan. But she was hot to the touch. Sunday, I kept an eye on her too and I was going something else, but I can't think now. I guess my brain had been a bit fuzzy ever since Cassi got sick. She is finally starting to feeling better today. YAY!!! Tomorrow is school for her! ;-)

Yesterday was the busiest day I've had in a LONG time, though it was good! I was just so tired by the time evening rolled around. Basically, I had to wake up early, get myself ready, have Jason get ready, call Jordan and make sure he got ready. After that, I took Jordan to his annual at Heartland which always takes awhile. So from there, I went to the bank with Jason. I NEEDED to get money into my account because there was something that became overdrawn Sunday. I was worried that I'd have to pay a fee, but thought maybe I could get away with paying Monday because the 1st had been Sunday. Needless to say it was the right decision! But it took so long at the bank that I was almost late getting Jason to a trolley. After that was settled I went back to Heartland. I helped Jordan with some of the paperwork he was having trouble filling out. Finally his therapist came out to check on them and she said she would help him get it done. Then Lisa saw me and asked if I was going to come to group. Realizing that Jordan would still be awhile I let him know where I was and wen't to the group! It was awesome! I needed a refresher for this particular group and I realize that this like cognitive therapy is basically what I use regularly to ease my symptoms when I get upset. It was great! I loved it. I am going to try to go to groups tomorrow too. Cognitive therapy and social skills - though last time we mostly just talked with each other. Maybe that's what makes it social skills! :-)

Anyway, I got out of group about the same time Jordan got his annual done! He got a couple of appointments settled for his Pdoc and Therapist which I put into my phone. From there, we went to Walmart again because I still had a few things to get like tape, Christmas bows and a few other things. After that, he and I went to the Walmart market to get some of his things that he needed. After that, we went to Vine Ripe. I needed oranges and a panettone for a friend's gift. I couldn't help getting some danish cookies as well. Then from there we went to Albertson's for the last couple of items Jordan needed and I picked up  couple more coffee creamers - Salted Caramel Mocha and of course, White Chocolate Raspberry! I'm not a big fan of white chocolate, but this creamer is so delicious!!

Cassi did calm me half way through everything feeling like crap. I told her what to grab medicine wise and to gargle with warm salt water and she did. FINALLY Jordan and I got done. Jordan took his stuff inside and put it away while I went in and talked to my mom. She isn't look great these days.She is really weak. She took something to calm her down - and herbal thing that Nancy gave her and it made her dizzy and weak. She won't take that again. I offered to find her something else that might help, but she didn't want me to. She doesn't want to take herbal stuff anymore and I can't blame her. They can screw you up of you're on medication because herbs can be a type of medicine and interact with what you do take. Anyway, my mom had a letter that she wanted me to mail because it had to be in by 5:00pm so it would go out in the mail that day.  After doing that I FINALLY got home!! I buttered a couple pieces of sour dough bread for Cassi because she seemed to be better, but was tired. I was supposed to make some ramen for her, but  just had no energy once I sat down. I did watch the Disney version of "A Christmas Carol" and though I enjoyed there were things about it I just didn't like. Go figure because I love almost all versions of this story. Not that I would mind it in my Christmas movie collection, but I wouldn't go out of my way to get it. 

Sometime after that I crashed - and I was having  hard time sleeping. But when I did finally sleep, something fell on me from my window so I woke up. To my surprise it was one of our snakes! They both got loose in the house and we hadn't found either one since. But I found Sunny (Aphrodite) trying to get out my window. I was so excited to see her! I ended up waking up Cassi. I tried fixing the screen for the tank as good as I could. I hated to do it, but I woke up Susan to get some packing tape. It has worked so far. So next I want to go out and get Duct Tape. So now, after eating and having more than two cups of coffee I am ready to go and get some. Yay! 

So that's my catch up! So for the most part this has been a good start to the month, though I am pretty much broke until around the 20th of the month. I am also excited because next week, we're going to get the Christmas tree!!! I can't wait! Have I mentioned how much I LOVE the holidays!!! :-D Because I LOVE the holidays! 

Until next time!