Even Diana Can't Bring Me Down!

Well, it helps that I won't be seeing her for the next two weeks too! I am house and cat sitting for Jason and Susan while they luxuriate on a lovely cruise to Hawaii, I get to enjoy the quiet of their place. Actually it won't be quiet with children here, but it's a good noise compared to the bitchy, screeching my sister does. I won't go into the petter crap she's been pulling all week except to say it was over a glass and a trash can. Yeah . . . for three days on this shit. But I spent most of the time packing or running around.

Packing was interesting trying to get everything packed. Some things had to wait until the very last minute like food and meds and stuffies - Well, my stuffy. And moving everything here took three car loads spread out over the week. We also brought Karissa and froggers. I think froggers is shocked by the warmth. Karissa seemed to remember being here before. She ran into the bedroom under the bed, then was on the bed, the dresser . . . remembered where the food was . . . but shocker of shockers she came out into the livingroom! I never expected she would in a couple of hours! I thought at least it would take a day or so! Anyway, the other cats all have different reactions to her. Katianna is relaxed, though not sure she wouldn't hiss if right up in Karissa's face. Christopher doesn't seem to mind her. They were both under the bed together. Romeo isn't sure what to think so he's being cautious and Anna is just plan scared! But all in all I think it's going to be okay.

Cassie is playing with her friend Paige. They made paper snowflakes and they are really, really pretty. Wish I could post a picture, but I don't have that ability yet. I will be able to though! I will! Anyway it was a type of snow flake I'd seen before but had never made myself. Cassie showed me how to make them last night and they are so beautiful! They also made paper chains and have been playing with stuffies and littlest pets.

I feel a little sorry for Jordan though. He was going to play WoW but the computer is being stupid and now he can't play it. There isn't much else for him to do other than watch movies. He's going to go insane! But it beats being home with Diana the bitch.

It's just so nice to be here! We have a tree and Christmas lights. I can play Christmas music and plan for stockings and presents. I feel relaxed here like I can finally relax. Maybe a can get a shoulder and back massage from a friend of mine. Think that would make things near perfect. :-) So I am in a good mood. I am happy and I am going to damn well enjoy the holidays!! LOL!

It's Official!

I think I'm FINALLY pulling out of my depression! I think a few things worked together since Black Friday! It's just nice to feel more like myself again and maybe my writing will start to come back a bit more. It sucks to be depressed. Everything is horrible in grays and blacks. Everything is wrong. You can't do anything. You don't want to do anything. It was hard to get motivated to just get up some days. And there have been issues that don't help. My computer has crashed and because I never knew how to back my stuff up I lost everything. I lost my photos and the books I'd written (I have hard copies though); even poetry. That was really depressing on top of just the depression I was already in. But here's the good stuff -

On black Friday, my son, who got $2000 for turning 18 spent money to get me a digital camera! Believe it or not, sometimes it's one thing that helps turn everything around. Then the following day, we had Thanksgiving over at our friends' place. Jason, Susan and I have been doing this second Thanksgiving for the last nine years I think. It's definitely a tradition we want to keep up. Taking pictures made me feel like part of me had come back. I used to love to take photos, but when a camera that barely works and having to get film developed and the money . . . It was too much. I wanted a digital camera for so long. So that was wonderful! Then the Christmas lights started coming up! I LOVE Christmas lights. I got "A Christmas Carol" with George C. Scott and have been watching it. That is my favorite Christmas story - one day I'll read the book. But I have liked every version of this movie in one form or another. Used to watch Scrooged a lot.

Anyway, I was a little sad that I wasn't going to be able to afford gifts for Christmas (my money got cut back), so that was looking bleak, but I resigned myself to just getting the kids what I could of what I could - candy. So I consoled myself with the fact that their stockings were going to be full. But then, what was a wonderful surprise - I got my $50 check! I didn't think I'd see it until after I got back from House and Cat sitting! So when we went to Walmart I was able to get Cassie, Jordan and even myself a movie that we wanted! They don't know I've done that so I am so excited to see their faces!!

Then this last Saturday we had a tree trimming part and Jason and Susan's. It's another tradition we do every year. But this time the tree will be for our enjoyment since they're going on a Hawaiian cruise! It's not a huge tree. But somehow it's just right and it's beautiful! Susan and I did the lights because we're the only ones that really get it right. Then we let the kids - Cassie, Taylor (my nephew) and Paige (Cassie's friend) - have at it and decorate! The tree looks great!! We were worried about the cats. Three of them had never seen a Christmas tree before, but so far they've been good from what I hear. Jordan didn't participate because his tooth was hurting him. We're trying to get him in to get it pulled out. Anyway, we had yummy Chicken Parmesan that Susan made and just enjoyed the decorations with Christmas music.

Sunday was nice too. Jason and Susan called and invited us to go see the lights on Pepper Drive. We've been doing this since 1993. Yet another tradition. I love Christmas lights and that was just another highlight. This week we're going to try to go to Starlight Court which is another set of houses and spectacular lights.

Anyway, other than that, I am happy I won't be home for Christmas. We'll be house and cat sitting at Jason and Susan's. Karissa won't be happy having to be around four cats she doesn't know, but I think there won't be any real fights. But we're starting to pack and get ready to go. So far I am just really happy and it's nice to feel that way after all the months of depression!

What a party!

I can't post any pix of it yet, but Cassie just have her 12th Birthday party last night at the hotel. She had about six girls. They went swimming a lot! They were all fish! Then we all went to happy hour. The kids got shirly temples and sodas and more. Also chips and salsa. We didn't even get to cake unil 8:30-9:00! LOL! She had a Ratattoulie cake. It was so cute and had a little cake on top of the big cake! Cassie LOVED it! And she has two Ratattoulie toys now. The cake was chocolate with Chocolate butter cream in the middle, but like an idiot I forgot candles. So for the first time ever she didn't get to blow out candles, but she didn't seem to mind as long as we sang happy birthday to her. LOL!

We had all kinds of candy and snacks. We even brought a snow cone maker, but they didn't have those until today. The machine was just too loud. That was okay, after pizza, cake, candy, swimming and elevator tag they were exhausted!

Cassie got some neat gifts. She got a HUGE set of Littlest Pets - which she loves. She got a new purse. She got a New Moon poster and more. I think she was very happy with her gifts and this is a party she's going to remember for a long time. Good friends, good fun . . .

What's funny is last night they were talking about watching movies, but they were so tired. We put on one movie (we brought a DVD player and DVDs) and all but one girl crashed out to The Corpse Bride.

Today we had a great breakfast. The kids seemed to want to go back and eat more. They would go play and eat more. Katie said she had three cheese omelets! LOL! After that, they were in and out of the pool again AND playing more Elevator Tag. In fact, right now they are back in the pool. Soon enough we'll se leaving. In some respects it's a very good thing. I'm exhausted! LOL! But it was a great party!

Shadow Your Kid Day!

Last Friday was Shadow Your Kid Day at Cassie's school. Basically it's a reverse of Take Your Kid to Work Day. Instead they get to take YOU to their work - school. What made it more interesting for me is the fact that this middle school was the same school I went to! Only it was a Junior High at the time. I have some good memories there. I had some good teachers.

Anyway, Cassie's first class is English. Her second class is Social Studies. Then it's Math, advisory (which she didn't have that day - minimum day) and either PE or Engineering and in my case she had PE. I stayed in the lunch harbor for that one. The stairs would have been a challenge for my knees otherwise. All the teachers were nice to the parents, of course. But the most fun class was her Social Studies! That teacher was fantastic and the project he had us all work on together was so much fun!

He gave us envelopes with paper puzzle pieces of skulls. We had to put them together and put them in the right order from Austroapithicus to Homo Sapien. Then we had to paste them onto a long brown paper and the kids had to write stuff down about each skull. It was a lot of fun and very engaging! I'd go back to that class any time!

At first I wasn't so sure I wanted to go to Shadow Your Kid day. But I sure am glad I went! It was a great experience for both Cassie and I!

More Perky Than I have been!

It seems to me that I haven't had much to say these last couple of weeks and when I have had something to say I was just too tired. I have been very, very tired lately and it was driving me crazy. It was also keeping me off the computer. I mean, it's hard to want to do anything when you feel like you can just drop off to sleep!

Anyway, I started taking the Paxil my pdoc wanted me on and to top that off I ended up with an absessed tooth! So that meant antibiotics. In fact, when I went to the ER they put an IV in me and ran antibiotics through me. They also gave me MORE antibiotics to take. The sad thing is I can still taste them! ICK!! But the swelling is down so the infection is gone or almost gone. Still makes me wonder how much the exhaustion was from the antibiotic/infection and how much was the paxil. I mean, I was sleeping 12 hours every day!! Today not so much. I slept late because I didn't sleep well last night. Restless legs got the best of them . . . Time for another med change - Benedryl in place of the other medication I was taking.

So I'm doing better today and I'm happy of that! Yay!

Adventures of the Week

What can I say? This has been a long week. But I can say it's been productive in one way or another. I still feel the blahs and I hate it. I don't know if it's the medication or what, but I HATE it. I remember when Jason used to say to me that he just didn't feel like himself and that he just wanted to be himself again while he was in his depression. Well, I'm just the same now. Only difference is I'm actively trying to do something about it. The problem is, I think what I'm doing isn't helping. In fact, it might be keeping me this way and I'm about ready to just stop the medication I think it is and see if that doesn't fix the problem (no I am not going off my mood stabilizer - I would NEVER do that purposely). But I don't know. I'll play it by ear at the moment. After all, I see my pdoc on Oct. 16th again. I just don't know if I'm willing to wait that long.

Anyway, Jordan got his wisdom teeth removed this week too. I knew he had a lot going on with his teeth, but the one thing that we could get done now was the wisdom teeth. I can say that he has coped much better than I did. It's maybe three days later and he's eating. He's still swollen - he has the chipmunk look - but he's doing good. I'm very glad.

I kind of worried myself sick before hand. It wasn't like I tried to do this, but my mind came up with all kinds of worst case senarios on what might happen. I was never more relieved than when they told me they were done. Because of the medication they gave him he has gaps in his memory (after he woke up that is). He came in that night to get some medication from me and asked me how he'd gotten home!! LOL! He also didn't remember writing questions for me, since he wasn't supposed to talk right after the extraction. I showed him the notes later and he got a kick out of it. Either way, I'm just glad he's okay and recouping well!

This weekend should be an interesting one. Katie is coming over to spend the weekend with Cassie. Of course, Cassie has chores and Katie being the sweetie she is, will help Cassie with them.

The one thing I have done this week is start a schedule again. I mean not a totally ridged schedule, but one with a list of things that should be accomplished every day. So far so good. Most of it is getting done, but there are a couple of things that haven't gotten done. Still, most is good. I have been writing out schedules though for the last two days or so and so far so good. I'm almost a the month mark and I'll just keep going to get ahead. Still, it gets a bit monotonous after awhile, but it'll be worth it in the end when I have the schedule out and not have to worry about it.

Well, guess that's it for now - until the next exciting adventures of my life occur! LOL!

Reversal of Fortune

I suppose I should have expected it. It's how life is for someone like me. Actually for people who are bipolar. You can be up and then you can be down and I am majorly down and it's just getting worse. I'm to the point where I really want to cut on myself again. I haven't but I want to. I want to hurt myself bad and I can't tell anyone. Not too many people understand that I know because they haven't experienced it. But this pull, especially when I'm made to feel like the most horrible of people.

I am the first to admit that I'm not perfect. I'm not. In fact, I'm way off the mark, but I was starting to believe I was at least a good person and that trying meant something. But it doesn't. Guess I am still a horrible parent. I haven't taken Jordan to the dentist yet and I know that he needs to go. He has a bad cavity, but not only do I not know where to call - which I planned to call around Monday, but I have trouble with transportation. IF I had a car and could drive myself I could have had him there already. However, I'm reliant on other people or more or less one person for day appointments and he's going through his own stuff. I had already asked him to take me two places last week and couldn't ask another and on top of that, Jordan wasn't in horrible pain. Apparently today he's in tons of pain - the first time in a week. I TRY to be a good parent. It's just me. I have no money, no transportation and I try to do what I can, but apparently it's not good enough for some of the people who are "friends". They think they would be so much better at raising my kids. Maybe they would be. Maybe I should just kill myself, leave them the kids and see what they can do. I am just tired of being made to feel like crap when I do what I can. I am NOT the model mother. I never claimed to be, but I am judged with every fucking thing I do or don't do even by the people I call friends. How right is that? I haven't judged them! They don't have kids to raise! They live by themselves! And even if they did have my kids, there are TWO of them! ONE OF ME!

Maybe this is just a pity party. I don't know. I don't care. But I do know I feel like shit. That I wish I could cut up my arms and I could if I wanted. I keep my razor nearby even if I haven't cut in a year and a half. I just want the pain to stop. I want to stop being made to feel like a horrible, terrible person. I want people to understand I do what I can and I want people to fucking stop judging me! Maybe I will give in and cut on myself. Maybe it's just not worth fighting anymore. I don't know. I hate me, I hate everyone . . . except my kids. The rest of the world can go to hell in a handbasket for all I care right now. I just want the pain to END!!

So much for when I was actually happy. It seems that time has come and gone and who knows if it'll be back again.

A Cause for Hope

Well, today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist or what I refer to as my pdoc. I think a lot of what's turned my world gray was the Abilify. I haven't taken it for the last two days and already life seems like it has a little bit more color so it comes down to getting off the Abilify and trying something else. In this case, it's a medication called Invega. I haven't heard of it before and will probably do some research, but all in all, I am hopefully. The only thing I worry about is it keeping my world gray. I really need to have that stop. I need my life back - most stable, but more colorful. I need my imagination and creativity. AND if all goes well and I'm still depressed, my pdoc might be adding a smidge of an anti-depressant and see if that helps the rest of the way - either Paxil or Lexapro. I haven't tried the later. I tried the Paxil, but I don't remember if it did anything for me or gave me adverse effects or what. But with luck, it will all work and I will be a better me and be able to get back to my writing. I'm just not me if I can't write.

Anyway, that's the game plan for now - stop the Ability, start the Invega and maybe add Paxil or Lexapro in a month. We'll see what happens!

You Reap What You Sow

(My Ex Friend on the Left me on the Right)

It's karmic really. What you put out to the universe will come back to you three-fold. I have always believed in what comes around goes around and have tried to live in a way that I won't have stuff come back to me.

Anyway, I was just looking up the status of this woman who'd been a friend of mine. We'd known each other a long time - since I was 12 years old. But the friendship was always rocky. Friends, then not friends and then friends again. As we got older, we lost touch and then I found her and we started being friends again. Well, that was fine and dandy. It went well for a long time until her book. I'm a writer as everyone knows, and most people know this story anyway, but I'll go through it again. She wanted me to write her book for her. At first I had taken it on as a side project. After all, I have my own books to write and really I wasn't supposed to have to write it for her, but her writing is like a junior high kid or less so it really came down to writing the book for her and it was just a project. She called me constantly. Got jealous when I finished my projects and worked on another. But it wasn't my book. It was hers. She was the one with a passion for it and I told her that it wasn't my top priority. But she pushed and pushed and burnt me out on it so much that I just had to drop the project. I tried to be nice about it (though I also found out she was abusing her kids over the computer), but that wasn't acceptable. I became the devil spawn because I decided not to work on her book anymore and she turned on me in a BIG way. She likes to say it wasn't because of the book, but when it comes down to it, that's exactly what it was about.

Anyway, now that I've gone through the story, it's time to get back to the status I found for her. She says she feels like everyone has turned their backs on her again. After so long, wouldn't a normal person ask themselves why?? I mean, this has happened for years on and off with different friends. Not just me. She just managed to upset other people in her lives and they've turned their backs on her. The sad thing is, I didn't turn my back on her. She turned her back on me. Even now, if she called me, I'd take her call. There are some things that haven't passed under the bridge yet, but I don't just turn my back, as she puts it. Still, it comes down again to what you put out to the universe will come back to you. You will reap what you sow . . . If people have turned their backs on you again, maybe there is a reason to be found in yourself.

Cassie's First School Project for 6th Grade

Just a short little entry. Cassie got her first homework assignment last Thursday. It was simply a poster about herself - her likes, family, friends, dislikes, pets . . . It turned out pretty good, I think, though trying to run off the pix was a nightmare. It should have taken maybe half an hour at the most, but because of the issues of getting the pix it was more like two hours. But it got done, turned out pretty good and the teacher liked it! Surprisingly enough, it was the Math teacher that wanted this project and not the English teacher. He just wanted to get to know his students better! Anyway, I think she did good!

Labor Day was REALLY Labor Day!

The kids and I went to Jason and Susan's on Labor Day for a BBQ - Susan's birthday was on the 5th so we were getting together for that too. The BBQ was great! Teriyaki chicken and steak this time! Mmmmm! Though I think I like Jason's regular BBQ better for his chicken, but this was still fabulous. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water! LOL!

Anyway, I gave Susan her gift - it was a candle and I know she loves candles. It was the best smelling one of its kind that I could find at the time. I'm just glad she liked it - apple spice.

Then, pour Lilly - one of their cats. She seemed as if she had been pregnant forever and she was huge!! We kept waiting for her to have her babies, but it just seemed like it wasn't ever going to happen and we started to wonder if she was past her due date or something. She just couldn't get much bigger, we thought.

Well, Lilly started acting a little funny, panting hard, grooming herself . . . she was in labor!! But the weirdo that she is, she didn't find a place to nest and like the first time, had one of the kittens and then left it. I immediately got a towel and held it, keeping it warm. She then didn't have another before we went home, but when we were pretty sure she was calm, we gave her the baby back and immediately she took it and found a place to have the rest of her kittens. She is such a strange cat! LOL! But at least they were born. She had a total of five and are all totally cute. What's funny too, is Lilly decided that it was a good idea to take the kittens and hide them behind the TV! LOL! Not sure if she moved them again, but I wouldn't be surprised. She couldn't even settle on a place to have the babies! At least all of them!

I'm just glad she finally had them!

Summer Frustration

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) as one of the many things wrong with me, only like the usual, I don't follow the norm. Most people get this during the winter when the sunlight gets less and all that fun stuff. For me, it's the opposite. The heat of summer is enough to send me into a depression. I hate summer. I hate heat. I think the only reason I loved summer as a kid was because there was no school and we had a pool in the backyard which is no longer there. Not sure I could have gotten in and out of it anyway now. But still . . . that and I think kids just tolerate heat better than adults. It's like how kids can handle fevers and adults just can't. I don't know.

Anyway, for the last month at least, I've had depression symptoms and it's blown up into full on depression. I am having trouble concentrating. I don't want to really talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. It's shutting me down and I HATE it. I can't even write!! My brain won't work for that either and I want to work on my fourth book and finish it. Then I worry that this will last forever, even though I know things change all the time. Nothing stays the same. But it's the "what if's" that paralyze me. What if my writing skills and desire or imagination don't come back? What if my book gets accepted by an agent only they want me to make edits and I can't. What if I get kicked out of my home because my mother dies? What if, what if, what if . . . It's holding me back as well, which is all part of the depression. I haven't even wanted to write to Ron, my Aussie! ;-) But I finally did that today and explained a little of what was going on - the good, the bad and the ugly! LOL! I don't know how to force myself to write. If I do force myself, it comes out like crap anyway. I just feel like my hands are tied and I am stuck in mud . . . really thick, icky mud.

I can say that I watched the rest of Season 3 of Dexter and enjoyed that and just got the first season of Leverage and watched the first disc and enjoyed that too.

Of course, now I get bad news. Jason is in a crap mood so I'm not going to be able to go over. Makes me want to cry. I was so looking forward to it, you know? Ah well . . . Now I just have to figure out what to have for dinner. I have no idea. And today was supposed to be for Susan, not for him. But whatever, it is what it is.

At least on a brighter note, I got to chat with my Aussie and boy did I need that. Even with as sad as I am about Jason, at least I have him to lean on. I love him. Even when I feel the way I do and seem to be numb to so much, I love him. I know I do. He has been there for me. He knows I'm struggling with depression and he's there for me. He lets me know how special I am and won't let me forget it when we chat. I am going to meet him one day in person. It's going to happen. I know it will. But for now, I just have to hold on and ride out this depression. Not like I have a choice, but it makes it better knowing he's there for me.

Maybe every dark cloud does have a silver lining.

And this is the beginning of the month??

Well, what can I say? The heat is still here hovering around 100 and making everyone miserable. We can't run central air because it costs too much, so we just die from heat. Fun, huh??

That's been the big bummer, but I do have other things on my mind that are also a bit more pressing. My kids' paternal grandmother - Linda - is NOT well. She broke her leg in three places a couple of months ago and has been in the hospital. That's bad enough, but she's a heafty girl, like me! Well, that doesn't work well. She can't get up, can't use the bathroom by herself. On top of that, she has pneumonia and some kind of virus so she's in isolation. Before that she was in the ICU because her kidneys shut down. Guess they were able to put that in remission somehow. Anyway, she just sounds so tired. Roger is in Nevada because that's where they were moving. He comes back to see her, I guess, but no one else really can or has. I can't. Not only is she too far away, but I don't have a car of I'd arrange a day trip!! But everytime I talk to her I get this horrible feeling that she's not going to make it . . . that just because of this stupid broken leg that she won't make it out of the hospital alive. I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do. Maybe it just reminds me too much of my dad when he was sliding downhill fast. I just wish I could do something . . . see her . . . something! I can't even afford to send flowers! Not that I know what hospital she's in. I just hate to think of her there alone.

Then as if THAT'S not enough to contend with, Greg's mother just had a major stroke today. The next 24 hours they'll know how bad. She'll either live or die. He's already a wreck. I can't even imagine what he's going to be like in and when she passes. I hope she doesn't pass away. I don't think he could handle it. I mean, it's bad enough she had a stroke. But I don't know . . . All I can do is be there and be a friend.

Some good stuff though! Cassie got her hair cut!! She got it cut short! :-) I was kind of worried, but she looks cute with the style she got. Then I got her school supplies - or most of them. I still have things to pick up yet and was going to do that shopping today until Greg's mom . . . But he said he might take us because he'll want something to get his mind off his mom for awhile. It would work, you know? His mind would be occupied by my stuff and I'd be able to get the last minute shopping done that I need to do. Then Sunday Cassie is going to get her hair colored again to this beautiful golden blonde. It's so pretty. Everyone loved the color, but her roots are showing now so it's time to redo!

Cassie also went to her school orientation Yesterday. She got her PE clothes, a lock and school planner. Plus the list of what she'd need. We got just about everything! Yay! But I think her going was a great thing. She's not afraid of going to middle school now and I think at first she was. But she met up with her friends and they had fun running all over the school - which gets her to know where what class room is where! So I think by the time Tuesday rolls around, she'll be ready! I can't believe my baby is going into Middle School! Wow . . .

Well, guess that's an update. I need to get out of this room soon or I might die of the heat. It's not as high as it was, but it's high enough. All I can say is, what a start to the month!

What a BLAST!!

I just had the best party!! My daughter with Jason and Susan's help planned me a "surprise" party and even though I knew there was going to be a party, I was soooooo surprised!

Greg came and picked me up from the house. Personally, I had a lot of anxiety going on. Not sure why, but I didn't know who might be there and if I'd some how blow being surprised. I was nervous about keeping up conversation . . . every normal kind of thing, I think. Then when I got there, the first thing I saw was this caution tape on the door warning of someone's 40th birthday - basically over the hill! LOL! Then I walked inside and there was purple and blue streamers, white, pink and red balloons and a special Over the Hill party hat just for me! LOL! What surprised me more was that Sharon and Colette were there AND Linda Sen. was there with her baby Amaya! Oh, she's so cute! She's 15 months old. At first I didn't even recognize Linda and then was a little worried about conversation, but then we started talking about kids and that's all she wrote. We went from kinds, to 6th Grade promotion and our kids going to school . . . life in general! It was fantastic! And Jason cooked his fabulous BBQ chicken and even cooked Hot Dogs. We also had baked beans. For appetizers Susan had gotten some of the crab salad I love and we had chips and crackers. There was soda, water and I even got gift cards!! THAT was a big surprise too! I was expecting just birthday cards and got gift cards too - $10 to Barnes and Noble and $20 to Target!! I know what they will go for and it will help me out a lot! That's $30 more I'll have in my pocket next month for back to school and whatever else I'll need!

Anyway, I just had such a good time. I mean, I knew it would be a nice party, but this was honestly just so much fun and the time will be remembered for a long time to come!

It's Been a Long Month

I hardly know what to write to be honest. It's been a long month. Not so much because I have had nothing to do or had too much to do. It's been long because I've been in a funk for a good part of this month. I called it a case of the Blahs. All kinds of depression symptoms without being depressed . . . until the last few days. Then all the evil depressive and anxious thoughts came. I hate it!! Of course, I don't know anyone who loves it! LOL! I just feel frustrated. It has interferred with my ability to concentrate and basically my ability to write. I haven't wanted to do ANYTHING even be online for any length of time. Of course, throw in the heat factor and I haven't been able to be out here for long, period. I have also been tired all the time. Just feeling rundown. No interest in doing anything, but not wanting to sit and be a vegetable. It's not been a good time. And adding to all this is the heat factor. We've had temps as high as 106 degrees! I do bad when it hits the 90s! I feel like I'm dying when it hits the 100s!! After all, I'm part polar bear.

But not everything had been bad! My actually birthday was kind of nice. I was able to go out and get a cake. My mother cooked me steak. Greg brought me lunch, gave me ten bucks, two lotto tickets (that I have yet to see if they're winners!) and two cards. I got to spend a little time on the computer and I think I even worked a little on my book. Unfortunately, it just didn't last. But we'll see how today is! After all, it might be a better day!

Something really sweet did happen this month. My son proposed to his long time girlfriend. They still have a LONG way to go before they can get married. Jordan needs to pull his life together, get his GED and get a good job. But just the fact that he did - at the beach too! How romantic! And of course, she said yes! In fact, she has everything planned out for the wedding down to the last detail which I think is so cute! I'm even going to give him my wedding rings to give to her, though we have to find a men's match somewhere (when it's time). It makes me feel special to know that the rings are going down to the next generation and hopefully will be part of their lives forever. I also look forward to when Alicia is my daughter-in-law and I become a grandma! Maybe some women don't, but I sure do! But I'm not going to be one of those mothers that push for a grandchild either. When it happens it happens because even when you try it can take a very long time. I know because it took me five years to get pregnant with my Cassie!

Anyway, not sure what else to blab about. LOL! I am getting ready to go to a BBQ at Jason and Susan's. That should be a fun time! I love going over there for BBQs. It's a nice respite from the house and I get to spend time with friends. Plus, the kids have things to do there too. Jordan gets to play is World of Warcraft and Cassie gets to go play with Katie. I also get to spend time with the kitties! I love that!

Well, guess another update will happen later, but so far, my biggest wish is that these blahs and depression go away soon. I want my life back.

Life is So Fleeting . . .

Today seemed like any other day, with a few exceptions. We have family visiting. Because of that, I gave up dinner at a friends' place. As it turns out, they had this cute little kitten that they called Minnie Mouse. She looked almost exactly like her mother except she was fluffy. Minnie was the cutest black and white (mostly black) fluff ball you could ever seen and she was sweet. She was the only one in her litter. That was a weird thing too. I had never heard of a domestic cat having only one kitten in a litter. Plus, this time around Coley - her mother - seemed present, and yet not present like she used to be with her others. It was odd. But if she meowed on us, Coley was there to take her off.

Anyway, no one knows what's happened, but beautiful little Minnie Mouse died. They just found her and she had to have died recently because she was still warm and there was no idea of what happened. Maybe one of the other cats played too rough with her. I know I've seen Chris play a bit rough with her . . . but he seemed to love her. But maybe he treated her too much like a toy and hurt something that she couldn't heal from. Or maybe she just wasn't well to beginning with. But it's not like we'll ever know . . . Just Minnine is dead . . . gone . . . we will never see her again. Maybe we all took it for granted that she was just healthy and doing fine. Maybe we were too complacent. But this hurts so much and she wasn't even my cat. But I can feel Jason and Susan's pain. And I haven't even told Cassie. I'm not sure what I'm going to tell her. I'm sitting here in tears for a kitten that wasn't mine, but I'd held her, loved her while I could . . . and now she's gone. I won't get to see how she grows up. I don't get to see her even go to a new home. She's gone . . . just like that . . . like a candle flame that someone just blew out . . . just like that . . .

God, life is so fleeting and sometimes it's hard to understand or rather accept . . .

Happy August!

Well, it's be better if I didn't still feel rundown and just off. The last week I have had major anxiety attacks which are annoying and I haven't wanted to take my ativan! But they are starting to get bad and I might not have much of a choice soon. Plus, I just feel fuzzy. Not sure what that's all about, but I hate it too. It just seems like I might lose myself in this fog somehow!

The good news is that I'm not so far gone that I can't edit and I'm going over my manuscript again with a fine tooth comb. I think getting the big edits done was VERY important, but I missed a lot of little stuff because I was sick and not feeling well. Now that I'm better I've been working on it. Another thing is that I was editing from beginning to end. I had to because of the new scenes I was going to add in. But all in all, for small edits it's easier to jump around. That way you're focusing on the one chapter and not the story. It has been working great so far! I'm about halfway done and I am hoping that by the time the weekend is over I will have most if not all of the edits completely done!

After that, it's just setting up the book in the right format and then it'll be ready to go should an agent ask for it! It's rather exciting!

I just wish I weren't so tired. I feel like I could just lay down and take a nap. THAT sucks, but I guess I'll live. Maybe I'll feel more like myself next week. One can hope!

I Didn't Expect to Be So Nervous!

Okay, I am sending out my very first query letter to a literary agent. Grant you, it's just one and chances are it's going to be rejected. I mean, most people are, so I have that in my mind. But I can't believe just how nervous I was writing out the envelope and putting the letter into it! LOL! Generally I'd be putting several in the mail, but the one is all I can afford at the moment. More will go out on the 3rd of next month when I have money. Still . . . I just wasn't expecting to be so nervous. LOL! My hands were litterally shaking!

Okay, I guess I'm just insane. :-P But at least it will go off into the mail today!! In that regard I'm excited too!

Wish me luck!

IT'S TOO HOT!!!

Well, not a whole lot has been going on lately and the heat has been killing me. I know there are a lot of places where the heat is worse, but the heat literally makes me sick. I not only sweat, but I swell. My legs, feet and fingers all feel like cooked sausaged. It's disgusting and makes me feel bad about myself. As if that's not bad enough I get irritable and if THAT isn't bad enough, I literally get nauseated. I almost started throwing up a couple of days ago because of the heat.

The funny thing is, the heat has been worse, but I just can't take it either way. We have no air conditioning because it takes too much money to run it. The fans do just about nothing but move hot air around. Even with the windows open it sucks. Then at night, if it's too hot, I can't sleep. No sleep means bad next day.

I don't know what happened the night before last, but I didn't sleep. It could have been from the heat since I woke up ever two hours and then it was this strange half sleep. I woke up so tired . . . I ended up not being able to edit Chapter 12 of my book and that had been my goal for yesterday. But the good news is that I got sleep last night and was able to somehow finish chapter 12 today!! Even in the hellish heat! So as long as I keep my mind focused, I get enough sleep and can try to concentrate through this horrible heat, I'll be done editing my book in about four days, give or take. I can't wait!! But with this heat, even if I finish I'm not sure how wonderful I'll feel. I mean, I'll be excited!! I'm excited now! But this heat . . . It sort of ruins everything, you know? I'm going to try not to let it ruin this for me. It's a step in the right direction. I am moving forward! I will get finished, get an agent and get published! :-) At least that's the plan! We'll see!

But either way, no matter what I can accomplish or not, I have only one thing to say at the moment: IT'S TOO HOT!!!! UGH!!

Summer Not So Fun Heat - But Writing is Pretty Good!!

I am so happy with my editing! So far I have made it through 11 chapters. Today I was supposed to finish Chapter 12, but I didn't get much sleep last night and am exhausted. I thought of taking a nap, but it's too hot and it might keep me from sleeping tonight. It's just frustrating because I don't trust myself to edit like this and I am so close!! I'm five chapters and a short epilogue away from having it completely edited!! I want it to be perfect and I think it'll be close once I get this last edited, so I guess it's not surprising I'm so frustrated today. I have been able to get at least one chapter a day done until now. Ugh . . . This isn't fun.

Maybe I should take a nap (or try - stupid summer heat!!) and risk not sleeping tonight. Then at least when I woke up I might be able to tackle this chapter and keep doing what I planned - a chapter a day. I suppose it won't be the end of the world if I have to put it off for a day, but I would really love to stick to my schedule. But even with windows open and fans going I am just melting. Not sure I could sleep if I tried because of it.

I do have to be excited that I'm so close though! And I believe it's a good concept and a pretty good book! If I had my bets out of everything I've written thus-far that this is the best all around. Plus, I'm getting ideas on how to write my query letter! The biggest thing that has me stumped is how to condense my story and still make it interesting. Things are starting to click though so I might have something ready to go as soon as the book is done! Wouldn't that be fantastic? I hope so!

Guess that's enough for this ramble. I'm going to get some water and see what I can do to try to cool off before I get sick and throw up - yeah, I know, nice visual, but the heat makes me that sick. :-( Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!!!

Why Do Some People Never GROW UP??

(My friend is the one is the Leather Jacket)

I've known this woman since I was twleve years old. She's actually about 2 years older than me, but she has always acted younger, making me refer to her as my little sister. We had our ups and downs, but in the end we were always friends and I always thought of her as a sister. That never changed.

Okay, now fast forward to January 2008. Being the writer that I am, I like to encourage others to write. I have usually found people get great benefits from it. Comprehension goes up. Vocabulary increases . . . Plus it's a great way to get out your emotions. It can be very, very cathartic!! I find it so anyway.

So when she said she was interested in writing again and would I help her write a book, I said sure. It would be a fun side project. Well, the fun side project ended up being a HUGE deal. She started taking it seriously. She WANTED to get it published. This book was going to solve all her problems. Yeah . . . reality check. And get this part - I was having to write it for her!!!! Her grammar, spelling . . . everything was bad. The plot was childish. She would ask me about things and it was like a kid writing and this woman is 41 or is it 42 now, I think?

This is an example of what I was had to edit:


Mark and the boys are out looking at one of the Christmas tree lots, they have been to at least four of them since they left after Daniel and Brian took Brianna to the Doctors. They finally found the prefect Christmas tree and as Jeff pays for it and they get it tied to the top of the Car. Mark looks at his Brothers as the get ready to start to leave." Now if we can just pull this off before she gets home." They get in the car and drive off to the Lancing Family Estate.


Brianna walks out after they did her CT-Scan "All done now can we go eat" Daniel looks at her and smiles "How About we go through drive thru and you can eat at home while you rest. What would you like to eat?"


"How about we get a few pizzas and bring them home." Brian looks at Brianna "I like that idea." Brian pulls out his cell phone how about we call Round table and get four large pizza's and some salads and soda to go and we stop and pick it on the way back to the house and Then my darling it's bed for you until your hair appointment." She looks at Brian. "As long as you stay close."


He squeezes her hand. He dials the number to Round table pizza. " Yes I would like to place an order four of your large pizzas pepperoni pizzas and four large salads and four bottles of coke. This will be a pick up the is the number is as follows." He gives his cell phone number. "Ok I'll be there in twenty minutes. As they climbs back into the car. And head back towards the family estate.

It might not be the worst writing in the world, but this isn't the worst I was dealing with either. This is child's play compared some I had to work with.

Still I wanted to encourage her, but she was getting more and more demanding because she knew she could not pull off the quality I could write. Not that I'm the best writer by any stretch of the imagination, but her writing got to be really overwhelming for me after awhile; especially when I was trying to work on my own material seriously - and her calling me every day JUST to talk about her book. Not "Hi, how are you? How are the kids?" or "Thought I'd call and see how things are?" or even, "What are you up to?" It was always, "I have an idea on the book!" "Have you written on the book?!" Book, book, book, book, book . . . Eventually, our friendship came down to . . . this book! But it wasn't just me either. She was so obsessed with it that she was emotionally abusing her kids when they were on the computer. I mean, she cussed at them anyway (which I NEVER thought was appropriate) but when I found out that her daughter didn't even want to come home because her stomach hurt her all the time and that my friend had called her a c*nt was the last straw. I told her I had my own projects to work on and I had other things going on in my life, so I was backing out of the project.

I bet you can guess what happened after that - she dropped me as a friend! Surprise, surprise. But that's not the worst of it. It's been almost a year now since this happened and she hasn't let it go!! Not that I've tried to contact her, but she's using her own children to try to upset me and my kids - well more my daughter because they can't get to my son. I don't think they'd try anyway. But it doesn't matter.

You might be surprised considering how she treated them, but you know what? She's still their mother. It's not that I don't understand why they're doing it, but you don't tell someone's daughter whose not even 12 years old yet that they're a "F*cking spoiled brat" or whatever it was she said.

THEN this woman had the nerve to write me a letter. I didn't look at it. It went straight to the trash once I saw one negative word. Not saying anything to her will drive her more nuts.

But the thing is, it's like being thrown back to Junior High!! I mean, shouldn't everyone have grown up by now?? Especially if you've had a couple of kids?? But she never will. It's how she is and how she'll always been and as much as I have loved her as a sister, I am definitely done. Why should I care about someone that will not drop stuff after a year and who uses their own children to target other kids to get their pathetic form of revenge?

But I wish someone would tell this woman to GROW UP!

So Far So Good!

Well, at the moment I am working on my first manuscript. I've been editing and just finished the fourth chapter. Only another twelve to go! LOL! I can only do so much at one time though, or I start missing stuff. And even when I'm doing pretty good, I still miss something here and there that I find later. It can be maddening, but that's how it goes.

What I'm also doing is coming up with new scenes I'm going to be adding in. I realized that there was an area that I could expand on and in turn, it would make the book longer - which in this case would be a good thing. So far I have a three page scene and I'm working on another right now though I haven't gotten very far. It's more or less introducing the other people in the plot. I am hoping by the time I'm done I'll have added another 20 pages or more AND that it goes well within the story I've already written! I think it will. I just worry about it slowing down the pace of the book. I guess we'll see. When it's done, I'll see about sending it to a couple of trusted friends and see if they think it made things better or worse. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Whatelse can I do, right? And I have to believe that what I'm adding will be a good addition to the story; that I am NOT making a mistake.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried though. LOL! But when I'm done with this one, I'll have two more books to wreck my brain against! :-P

Annoying Teenage Brats!

Well, it's sad, but that's how things are. Some teens are just brats. They don't think. They plot and they willingly bully kids younger than them at the behest of their psychotic parent.

I might be bipolar but I don't use my kids to do my dirty work. If I'm ticked off with someone, I don't play games. I tell them directly and I CERTAINLY DON'T USE MY KIDS!!

A friend I had a falling out with almost a year ago is having her daughter, Heather, not only play games with my nephew Taylor, but is now playing games with my Cassie through her friend Kimmie. I can't believe that someone whose 15 years old would continue to be that immature. But then again, if I look at her mother, Denise, I can see why. Not only is the woman bipolar like me, but without knowing her other diagnosis, I know for a fact she has Histrionic Personality Disorder where everything is a crisis. Drama, Drama, Drama! Though she claims she doesn't like it. SHE CREATES IT!! The woman is nuts, but I've always loved her as a sister, yet this is seriously pushing it. I mean, it's been a year since our falling out!! Get OVER IT already! And to use hers kid to bully a girl whose only 11 years old?? And to pick on Cassie because of who her mother is and who had a falling out with HER mother? It's just pathetic. If this is how her Heather and Kimmie are now, what will they be like as adults?? Not really sure I want to know that one.

She told my daughter that I was a b*tch, that she was a spoiled f*cking brat. This was on Gaia by the way, and of course, the little coward blocked my daugher because I think she knew I was going to get involved and do something about it. Well, I did. My daughter and I reported her ass to Gaia for bullying and abusing. I hope they cancel that little brat's account and that she'll know better than to hurt people like that. Until she can mature a little bit and not abuse over the social network, I hope they keep her off. Of course, that's just dreaming, but oh well.

Then my nephew found out what happened and my son found heard his sister crying and why and they are both are ready to slam Kimmie and Heather for playing games like this (They will not use bad language, but definitely use condescension

which I am all for). It just sucks that these kids are

so easily lead to do this.

I mean, it's one thing to stick up for your parent. I understand that, even if your parent is in the wrong. That's what kids do, but this is totally uncalled for, hurtful and beyond what's reasonable! My daughter was in tears!! All I can be certain of at the moment is that Karma is a bitch and eventually they'll get theirs. Even the universe recognizes teenagers on their way to adulthood.

Anyway, all I can do is hope that this little witches gets what they deserves.

Ugh!!! Bratty Teenagers!!!

At least the other teens I know are good kids. But there's always a few bad apples and in this case with a worm in one. Ah well . . .

Writing Passion

Well, writing is my passion. It's what I've been wanting to do since I was 12 years old when I realized I could write and create my own worlds or the ideas of a world that interested me. Where anything could happen.

It started easily enough. My favorite show was Fantasy Island. What's easier for a kid to write for? I wrote at least two scripts that took place on Fantasy Island. I have another than used it as a cross-over point to Battlestar Galactica which I had gotten hooked on in re-runs.

From there I branched out to short stories in 9th grade. I had the best English teacher to loved creative writing and inspired me. He would give up a sentence and we'd have to write a paragraph to it. He'd give up the beginning of a story and we'd have to finish it. Once he showed up a picture of a little waterfall and we had to write something that was at least half a page long. Mine was two pages and I could have probably pushed it to three.

In 10th grade I created my own series for TV and wrote about four or five scripts for it. I also wrote a couple of movie scripts (using the correct format finally) and several more short stories. I never did anything with any of this, but I knew I had talent. My teachers all told me I did and encouraged me.

When I was 16 and in 11th grade I was in a Senior class. Again I was inspired to write short stories. It was also when I was inspired to start writing romance. Not that I was in love with anyone attainable. My love affair was with a character on TV and I recognized it as such. To this day I still love the character Stingray on the short-lived 80s TV show. But this was also the time I started writing books and poetry. I never finished a single book I started though. Over the years I even got as far as chapter 11 in one book and just stopped as if my mind had stopped working. But then a couple of years ago a miracle happened. I FINISHED my first book!! Not only did I finish it, but I had people WAITING to read the end which had taken me a very long time. Even my kids' paternal grandmother who doesn't read romance LOVED it!! By almost everyone who has read it, I was told they just couldn't put it down. That has to say something for the story, right?

Anyway, so here I am, trying to edit it. There are 16 chapters plus an epilogue and I'm only done with the first three chapters. There are new things I'm adding and I want to correct as many mistakes as I can find, add any details that need to be added and just make it the best that it can be. But it's so difficult and exacting. However, I'm going to push forward.

Once it's done, I go on to write my query letter. Not sure what I'll do about an agent, but I'll see what I can do and if not, I'll send my manuscript directly.

On my side, it's not the only one I've completed. I have two others that are part of a quartet of stories that also needed serious editing and the third of the set halfway done. At least I can say ideas are not what I lack. Sometimes it's the determination to finish. Sometimes it's just the exacting work of editing. But this time is my time. I'm going to do this. I will finish. I will get published and I WILL make a living at it and finally know for myself that my talent is real.

Can we be friends?

Can you actually be friends with someone you don't trust? I mean, not like he's going to hurt me. Just that he will never be reliable . . . Greg, the friend I kicked to the curb is back . . . I know, maybe I shouldn't have let him back at all, but I put down the ground rules. If we're friends we are just friends and we're going to go slow. There will be no huggie, kissie or anything else. I'm sorry, but NO! Even today he offered to take me and the kids to Jason and Susan's. He was an hour late. So he's still the same as when I kicked him to the curb . . . well, just about. At least he showed up. But tomorrow I have an appointment tomorrow. He wants to take me when I know I have another ride. My honest reaction is that he's going to flake. That he will not be there when I need him. This has been the case for awhile now. Plus, he has other commitments. That in and of itself is fine. I have no trouble with that. But don't tell me you're going to show up when you can't and then don't tell me. However, he's assuring me he's going to be here tomorrow. I told him if he's 5-10 minutes late, I'm calling my original ride - Susan. They both think he'll flake out on me too.

In fact, when I got out of their car tonight I said, "I'll probably see you tomorrow!" They replied that they thought the same thing. I guess only time will tell. Maybe it seems kind of mean or that I'm setting Greg up for failure. But when it's happened so much in the past, it's hard not to expect the same behavior. Guess we'll see, but if he does flake out yet again, it's going to make things all the harder because I expect more out of my friends. I am there for them. If I say I'm going to do something I generally will and most of the time if I can't, I tell them so, or I won't commit. I'll tell them maybe and why. If he just doesn't show up, then that will be what he's been doing to me for awhile and I expect common decency from my friends; not just an "I'm sorry" later.

Other than that, my day and night has been pretty good. I got to chat with Ron today before he went to work. I was active on Cafemom and posted some of my writing exercises and a chapter of my book. It's always a bit nerve-wrecking to do because I just want everyone to love it and yet I'm afraid of it getting picked apart - which I know comes from years and years of emotional abuse starting in early childhood. I have gotten a lot better at accepting constructive criticism, but it still is really hard. There is always that initial, "OMG! I screwed up. They hate it. They hate me." It gets personalized really quick and then I feel like a failure and maybe burst into tears and I HATE to cry. LOL! I know, all over dramatic. But I've gotten better. It's still a struggle though.

Other than that, I was able to spend a pleasant evening with Jason and Susan. They're still struggling over the loss of Troy. It's hard for all of us, but I got to play and pet the other kitties, enjoy a fantastic meal of chili mac with biscuits and strawberry shortcake for dessert while watching something on Animal Planet about this guy working his way into a Lion Pride - a wild lion pride! It was pretty amazing. But not much else. I updated my Chapter 3 from edits I made on the hard copy I have and I am going to be going through Chapter 4 tonight maybe, if I don't crash first. I am soooooo tired! LOL! And if not that, then I have an idea for another scene to add to the book as I go. It'll just be a matter of trying to figure out where to fit it. Plus, I just need to work out the particulars of the scene in my mind anyway. I might actually be too tired to do it at all. I feel like I could fall asleep right now. But we'll see.

Anyway, now I'm going to check a few more things, write to my beloved Ron and then I'll be off to read, write or watch a movie! I never really know until I'm at that point in the future. I'm just like that!

When it Rains it Pours They Say . . .

And apparently they're right. It seems that bad things happen in clusters . . . all at once, to make sure you don't have a chance to breath and deal with the issues one at a time. No, that would be too convenient and helpful. Instead it had to be all at once and cause people to feel almost like they're having a mental breakdown (I know that feel from personal experience!). I just don't understand why it all has to happen at once. Everyone loves to say how strong I am because of what I've gone through and survived, which isn't even as bad as many, many stories I've heard, but I'm NOT that strong!

The day kinda started a little crappy. I woke up exhausted. I'm exhausted even now because of it. Last night I just couldn't sleep even though I was tired. I'm hoping tonight that I will finally be able to sleep again for a night before I go through a couple more days of this. So not a great start to the day. THEN, I realize that my son missed his TRACE appointment so I had him call and we're going to try to reschedule for Thursday. One can only hope because he needs this program and Sy is a good guy. Then I have been listening to the kids bicker all day! In general it's kind of a regular thing. They're siblings and 6 years apart and seem to revel in annoying the crap out of each other and ME! Ugh . . .

On the positive side, I was able to clean around my computer desk, my mother was actually nice and fixed me French Toast. I probably wouldn't have eaten otherwise. Today is just one of those days where I just don't feel like doing anything for me. I guess it means depression has been setting in all day. I even got in a shower which was nice because there are days where I just don't or can't.

But then, I was supposed to go over to Jason and Susan's. We still are, but originally, he was going to get us a cab. Anyway, things changed and now they are going to have to put one of the cats down tonight. We're still going over for a BBQ but it's also so we can say good-bye to Troy. He is a HUGE cat and it looks like they over feed him, but they don't. He hardly eats . . . so it was some kind of genetic problem. Plus we think he has asthma because he has a horrible breathy cough and he's been having this weird shake to his head and his eyes have been very dialated. He just doesn't seem like he feels good . . . He wasn't the brightest cat in the world. He never did seem to figure out how to use the litterbox, though his sister never had a problem. Still, he is the biggest, sweetest lover of a cat. He was a great brother to his sister. A great uncle to the kittens. He was like a surrogate daddy.

It makes it hard on me too because I had Troy and Katianna's mother and grandmother, so they ARE my family too. Not that they wouldn't be. But in a way I'm just as connected as Jason and Susan. But at least my daughter was able to make me laugh. They need to borrow our carrier for Troy and it's not the biggest carrier. So my daughter starts smiling saying, "I don't know if he will fit." Then my son chimed in saying, "Well even if we get him in, we won't be able to get him out unless we take the carrier apart." I don't know why, but it made me smile and laugh. Maybe just the thought of Troy's big butt inside this carrier . . . I don't know, but I definitely needed it. As it is, I'm still in tears. I have had to put down several cats in my time and it's never easy. It always hurts because they're family.

On top of that, they're going to have to get rid of the other cats and I am very devistated over that as well because I can't even take any of them and I want my Anna. But my mother won't let me keep her. I hate living here with this woman . . . I'm lucky to have my Karissa. Plus, they're going to have to switch apartments for awhile so that their old apartment can be cleaned, and new carpets put in and the walls painted . . . and they're going to have to pay for it since it's pet damage. It will keep them from going on their cruise to Hawaii in December . . .

It just all feels like so much and it sucks. But I guess that's the nature of life . . . Ups, Downs, Round and Rounds . . . And rain . . . lots and lots of rain . . .

A New Family Member!!

We have a toad!! Actually, it looks like a frog to me. Cassie said it was a frog. The guy that sold it to her said it was a frog. But Fire-Bellies are TOADS! But it's so cute! I don't care! Still, I was looking stuff up about them today and I know what we need to get for it on July 3rd. It's important to get the right habitat, the right food, the right amount of water . . . all that fun stuff.

Of course, turns out that though these frogs aren't terribly toxic, they do secrete a toxin from their skin. Basically it means we wash hands when we're done and we wash out the enclosure regularly to keep the toxin levels down. I have to say though, out of all the things she could have brought home from the swap meet, this has to be the cutest and best. It will just require care.

Other than that, nothing else really knew, but I think the new froggy is enough for now! LOL! So now it's off to writing and chatting again!!

Such a Wonderful Month June - NOT!

Well, what can I say. This month has been full of a lot of ups and down. A lot of decisions too. Things have changed a lot since my last post two months ago - since it's almost July now. I suppose I can do a quick run through or at least try!

June isn't a good month for many reasons. There are a lot of reminders this month and it causes a lot of depression. My father's birthday is this month. Then Father's Day is this month too. As if that's not bad enough, the anniversary of the day my niece died is this month - on the 9th. I was hit by a really bad depression on the 12th. I didn't even realize what day it was (My father's bday is the 13th) until that Monday. It's a good thing I saw my pdoc on Wednesday because I knew at that point I needed help. My moods have been more unstable than I'd like and it's been going on for awhile. Anyway, he added Abilify and so far so good, but I go up in dosage tonight. Hopefully I'll still tolerate it and it will continue to help.

One of the bigger things to happen this month too was that I had to break up a friendship. It's sad, but Greg always wanted more and I couldn't give him that. He was always waiting in the wings, thinking I was going to change my mind. It's not something you turn on and off light a light switch. If it's not there, it's just not there! Anyway, when I had taken him back last December it was under the guidelines that we were friends. That we were NOT a couple. And that he needed to find other friends. I couldn't be his end all-be all. Guess what never happened and what I was? Plus, what it really came down to as well is that as sweet as he is he just wasn't reliable either! I knew he was having problems and I tried to be as nice about it as possible. But I got frustrated when he kept falling asleep on his feet. He would tell me what was causing it and then not go get help. And of course, he fell over - broke ribs - gave himself a concussion . . . FINALLY he got off the medication that was doing that to him. But it took him months. And of course, because of that he fell asleep a lot. Well, the thing is, if he needed rest that was FINE. But he'd tell me he could still do something - even though I could have gotten a ride or rescheduled things. But no . . . he just wouldn't show up! I'm sorry, but if you can't do something you say so! You don't just leave someone hanging and then later say, "I'm sorry. I fell asleep." After about 8 times in 14 days I'd had enough. Cassie got left at school, she had to find rides to school because he wouldn't show up. I missed a therapy appointment (though my therapist is a wonderful guy and actually did the session with me over the phone). But friends don't do that to friends! If you can't do something YOU SAY SO! And he wanted more? I mean, lets just say for argument's sake that I was interested in him for more. That would have been a HUGE problem. Another problem was that he was SOOOOOO needy! I mean, he just wanted to be around me every moment he could! He'd get upset if I didn't invite him over when Cassie was gone for the weekend! Sorry, but I do like time to myself! He just wanted to cling and cling and cling like a vine or a leech.

The real last straw for me was then he told me that he was sorry and tried to make it up to me - uh . . . there are some things you can NEVER make up for. The first thing that came to my mind was the fact that Cassie's graduation was coming up. If I missed that there would be NO WAY to make that up. Not EVER. So that was the last straw. I knew I couldn't rely on him and I NEED to be able to rely on my friends. They're the only people I have in my life that are truly there for me! My family never will be. And I try to do my best to be there for them too. Though it's harder now. . . Still, that's what friends do for each other! We're the real family and that's what families really do!

Anyway, I told Greg that what his needs were and my needs were just weren't compatible. I tried to be nice about it, but he just wouldn't take the hint. I stopped texting him. He would keep texting me. When he gave up on me he started texting Jason. I finally wrote a Text that was more on the mean side than I ever wanted to write and had Jason forward it. Greg got pissed and then the next day he's texting me again asking if we're friends! sigh . . . Some people just don't get it. AND he bought me a van . . . He's fixing it up and he still says he's going to give it to me anyway. That's great and all, but I won't have him thinking that's a way to get back with me. It isn't. I don't want him in my life! I want to be able to move forward. If I want to see guys I want to see them. I KNOW he won't like that, but that's what he's been told. That I want to see who I want to see, screw who I want to screw or whatever. Get a hint!! But he's still texting and now he's asking me why I hate him. It's frustrating because I know Jason forward another Text to him that said I don't hate him. I just can't have him in my life if I'm going to move forward. On top of that what we each want is different. He is just hopeless. I understand he's dealing with some serious abandonment issues, but then he needs to get help! He needs to work on himself and not try to cling onto something that's just not there. But it's just not getting through his head. And it's not like the kids were devistated either. I think they both wanted me to push him to the curb anyway. He let them down enough too. Well, more Cassie then Jordan. But they both saw how upset I got on a regular basis. Kids don't like to see their mom upset.

On a good note, my friend Brooke was able to take me to the Graduation and I got to see Cassie graduate from the 5the grade! She's not officially a 6th grader! Middle school next year! Yikes!! LOL! We swung by McDonald's for a celebratory lunch. I was going to buy for everyone, but she insisted on buying for her and the kids. She is such a sweet person! Then she took me to my pdoc appointment and my therapy appointment. And to throw in for fun, Cassie came down with some kind of rash. Still don't know what it was, but I was kind of freaking out and she was sweet enough to come get us and take us to Children's Urgent Care. I know when Brooke says she's going to do something, she does! Jason and Susan too! They have taken me shopping, helped me get my meds. I could not ask for better friends. I am truly blessed in that department. If I didn't have my friends I would be in very sorry shape. I don't even want to think about it. I might not have even made it long enough in my life to have kids. People can't go it alone without someone to be there for them . . . to listen to them . . . Sometimes just stand at their side.

What else can I say . . . I've been editing my Manuscript again. It's not exactly where I want it. It's just such a long arduous process . . . But I think it's actually turning out pretty good. My family will be pissed when it get published though! LOL!

And the best of all, I have a very, very special friend in Australia. So one of my goals is to get there and meet him in person. Even if it's just once! I also have another Friend in Australia. I'd love to meet him and his wife and a friend in New Zealand! LOL! Yeah, I know people everywhere it seems!

I've also been working on myself. I have actually lost some weight, though not sure how much. Still. I am moving better and my clothes are more loose. I have increased my water intake and tried to eat more regularly. I have also been doing stretching though I am hit and miss with it. I have to get a bit more regular. But I really think, for the first time in I don't know how long, I am really trying to work on myself physically. I'm trying to take care of myself and I'm happy about it I think. It makes me feel good about myself and I haven't felt that in a long time. Though I'd still way over critical. I pick apart everything about my looks. Ron and a few other friends really do tell me how much they think I'm gorgeous! LOL! Part of me wants to believe it and I actually like some of my pix now. Just not many of them! I still see someone the size of a house! But that's changing! Like the jeans I put on today. Usually they do slide after a bit. But these started sliding almost immediately. It's funny to have my jeans trying to slide off as soon as I stand up! LOL! Guess that's progress!

OH!! AND JORDAN GOT TO GO TO THE PROM WITH ALICIA!!! They looked so good! Wish my scanner was working. I had a lot of photos I want to scan. But they had a blast together! It was one of the best nights of his life and I'm sure it was for Alicia too!

Anyway, lots of ups and downs - more crap with my mother of course - but I'm doing okay. Hopefully with the new meds I'll continue to be okay if not better! I am hoping that even with the down days that life will continue to look more up than down.