Quite a Normal Day

Well, Jordan came home with Taylor and George for a little bit. However, by the time I was waking up, they were leaving and Jordan didn't even say hello or goodbye. That was kind of disheartening. But I got up, got dressed, got my coffee and water. Then I hopped onto the computer and onto Cafemom. I got a new member in my photo group. I didn't think ANYONE was going to join. So that was a nice surprise. I puttered around on my other groups when my mom told me she was ready to go to the bank. I didn't really want to go but like I'm going to say no to my mom about taking her somewhere. It gave me some time to read my book. Though not that much. I got through about four pages. 

After that we stopped at Wendy's to eat. My mom got half sized almond berry chicken salad with a chicken sandwich. I got a large berry salad and a berry tea. I LOVE those salads. And my mom shared her chicken sandwich with me. But I got very upset at one point. Last time I went they told me I could get a refill. This time when I went up for one they told me they didn't refill the berry teas. I was like WHAT?? I had a bit of a fit, but they refilled it. However I made it known that I might be back for the salad but I was NEVER buying that tea again when I could get a sweet tea from McDonald's AND get refills. So I was pretty ticked when I left.

When I got home though, I was back to the computer and watching about Casey Anthony - Tot mom. I think the Defense is doing a lousy job. Which is good because Casey needs to get convicted. I just played on Cafemom. I did try to call Housing to keep my name on the waiting list for Section 8, but I called one minute too late. Ugh!! But I'll call tomorrow. I did text with Jason a bit and Nicole called and I talked to her. I feel like I'm getting into a rut or a depression again. I've been hit with a lot of anxiety - especially at night. I did get hungry again, because we ate so early. I ended up having a salami sandwich and a slice of my mother's lemon meringue pie. OMG! It is so good with a graham cracker crust! My Fav way now.

Anyway, I watched "Deadliest Catch" tonight and I was going to watch "After the Catch," but Nicole called during it. And I'm catching the "19 Kids and Counting." Anna is having a baby - the first grandson and that's exciting so I'm glad I came across the episode. But I think after that I'm going to go to sleep. It's time to call it a day.      

Minnows and Turtles and Cassie's - Oh My!

Today was pretty good. I do have to say that. However, I have spent so much money this last two days that I'm going to be lucky to get my brakes done. I hope Greg can do it cheap, cheap, cheap. Yeah, I'm talking to Greg again. I guess. He's going to fix the car and that's good. I think I do need to tell him that I don't want to be in the middle of his stuff. But it's not like he can control her and I haven't heard from her since that one time. Still, she has my number and I don't like it. But oh well.

I woke up at noon. Got up and dressed. Cassie called me and told me she was bringing me minnows and a turtle she found in the creek. :-P Told her I wasn't sure what we were going to do with the turtle. LOL! But it got me off my butt and cleaned out the fish tank. Turned out she only had two minnows to add. No big deal. The slider, however, is the size of my hand!! He's in Tubbie's tank at the moment and Tubbie is in what Cassie brought the slider in. We're called the turtle Waterclaw at the moment. Oh yeah, and she brought me a crawdad from the creek as well. :-P The creek was very full of critters today. 

We also went to Walmart and I spent way too much money. I got her some pamprin because it's that time of the month, poor thing. And though it wasn't much, she was passing clots and that is PAINFUL. I know. Happens to me every time! Then I also got some bread. Cat food. Turtle food, which the turtle doesn't get as good. So that was wasted money. Ugh! Then I got us that lunch at McDonald's - McChickens and drinks. Then I got her a father's card for Jason and one for Grandpa Roger and I got her a white and black print dress. It's cute! But she forgot to take him home and I have no idea where she put it in my room. I guess there are only so many places so I should be able to find it easy enough. 

After that, we came home and she played on the computer for a bit. She played music off her playlist and I found out that Aqua changed their name to Toy-Box. The weird thing is, I kind of remember reading something about it. And at least they changed their name to something that really fits them - in my opinion. I like some of Cassie's music like Three Day's Grace, Katy Perry and Owl City. Yeah, a little different. She's ecclectic like me! Though not quite as ecclectic! :-D We also looked at pix of cats that were on Petfinder.com. Even the mice and the hamsters. Eventually we left to go get dinner. We stopped at Kahoots on the way so I could get crickets for Tubbie and we got goldfish for Waterclaw, though we put two in with the minnows. I hope they don't eat them. After that we were going to get a pizza from Costco, but there was no parking so we went to Little Ceaser's. Of course, it wasn't as good as Costco pizza, but it worked. My mom couldn't stand it. And when Jordan woke up he ate the rest. 

I eventually took Cassie home to Jason and Susan's. We stoped at her friend Katie Kelly's because she needed to pick up the library books she'd let her friend borrow. Then I hung out at the apartment for about a half hour to hour. I could have stayed later, but Cassie was engrossed in reading FanFiction online. She's writing up her own story for Warrior Cats. I look forward to reading some of it when she's ready to share.

After that, I came home, played on Cafemom and watched TV. I wrote my GRAPES on my journal there (And my hand written copy). I wrote up a post in my own group "Moms Without Their Kids" about missing Cassie already. Then I also watched "Law and Order: Criminal Intent," "Finding Bigfoot," "The Glades" and I wanted to watch "In Plain Sight" but I need to try to get some sleep. I have to wake up early and go to Greg's so he can fix my breaks. Hope to God they're not that expensive because I am down to my last bit of money. If my mother knew she'd kill me. Thank God I'm getting money on the 9th. If my $50 check would just come in I would be find. Ugh! No check last month. It's got to come this month. I need it badly. To be honest, I'm stressing just a little bit. I don't know where all the money went! I guess it was easy to spend money on food and stuff. I so wish I hadn't of eaten out so much now. I bet at least $100 went to fastfood for dinners. 

Well, I suppose I should take my meds and try to get some sleep. Though if I'm stupid, which sometimes I am, I'll finish watching this "Criminal Minds" and then the "In Plain Sight." We'll see.

     

Tired Today - But Hanging in There

I know I missed last night writing in my journal here, but I was asleep. I was so tired and I'm still tired. I slept a lot yesterday. I think I fell asleep around 2:00pm and I basically slept until noon today. And here's whatelse is sad. I'm STILL tired. I've been dragging all day. Go figure.

I haven't done too much today really. I have just been on the computer most of the day - Cafemom is fun again. I am trying to keep just to the handful of groups I have - Cat Lovers. Bipolar Diaries. Poetry Emotion. Recipes and Moms Without Their Children - which is my group. I also started writing my GRAPES on the Journal there. Just something else for me to do.

My mom need to go take some letters to the post office. Important bills that she didn't want to leave it in the box for the letter carrier to take. After that, we went to Wendy's. I hadn't really eaten anything that I was starving when I got there. I had a number one - 1/4 lb. Cheeseburger, medium fries and a medium Dr. Pepper. My mom got the same thing except she got a light lemonade. I must have eaten that burger in record time! LOL! At least I felt like I had sucked it down. LOL! I was nice and brought home 3 double-stackers and a large fries for Jordan. 

After that, I was back on the computer. I did also watch "My Cat From Hell" though it wasn't a new one. It was Bear and the other was Lulu and Sully. Great stories and happy outcomes! Then I also watched "Cats 101." But the whole time I have been on Cafemom. I did spend a little time on Facebook, but not nearly the time I have usually spent lately. There's more for me to do on Cafemom.

Now I'm hungry again so as tired as I am, I think I'm going to take Jordan and get something else to eat and then I'll go to sleep. God only knows how long I'll sleep this time.

Oh, there was one other piece of news. Greg was going to fix my brakes. Told me to call him in the morning. Well, guess who I haven't heard from at all and haven't been able to reach. Anyway, I'm done. I don't want to deal with him anymore. He can stay with Linda the girl that treats him like crap and leave me alone. Not that I'm with him like that, but he talks shit about me to her. Talks shit about her to me. I am just tired of games. And I don't want to be in the middle. The woman had the nerve to text me last night and then forwarded what Greg texted her. Anyway, I don't want to be in the middle of their crap. I just wanted to get my brakes fixed like he said he'd done. But whatever. I'll see if Claudio will give me a break on the price. At least I hope.

Okay that's it. Enough. Nite.    

Another GREAT Day!! :-D

What can I say? I'm STILL feeling fantastic and I LOVE it!! I hope I stay like this for a long time! I just hope I'm not hypomanic because then there will be a crash. But I'm just going to take it one day at a time and hope it lasts and lasts! I think if I keep going to classes at Heartland, continue my writing and stay in touch with friends I think I'll be good! I hope so anyway! I'm going to think positive!

I woke up today very tired, but I got myself up, got dressed, took my morning meds, of course, and then got my coffee and headed to class. Today was WRAP group (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) which is one of my favorite groups. It helps you understand your triggers and symptoms so that you can try to get yourself from sliding down into a crisis, BUT it also helps you come up with a plan for when you do start going into crisis, should it happen. It's just an awesome group! Then after that was Process Group - essentially Group Therapy. It's okay. I don't get that much out of that class, but to be with Kimberly and David was nice - Susan (from class) too, though we haven't really talked, but I like her. After that I went home because my mom needed to mail some stuff off to my sister - See's Candy and some magazines I guess. I don't really know and don't really care. After that, I took my mom home, picked up Jordan and then went to the bank. MY money was FINALLY THERE!!! Yay!! So I pulled out $200. $120 I set aside for my mother. I set aside $48 for Cassie's school spring portraits. The rest I used to get Jordan some lunch, got me a drink, got dinner for my mom, me and Jordan and put some fuel in the tank.

Anyway, we went to Walmart and I had my list with me so I'd remember everything like laundry detergent, dish soap, dryer sheets, blue toilet tabs, toilet paper, reynolds wrap. Then I had to get razors, nose sprays, a folder, two year mini planner, mother's Day cards (one for my mom and one for Susan). I also got the duct tape I've been needing and I FINALLY got new make-up!! I also got body spray - cotton candy scented. Love it!! I did spend a lot on myself today, but the make-up I need for occasions. Then I also got a boom box. My mother wasn't upset over it which I thought she would be. But instead she just wants me to make sure I have plenty of batteries for an emergency. So later this month I'll spend $6 and get 12 batteries. Then, of course, I had to get DVDs. I got "Assassins" for $5. "Angels & Demons" for $10. Got "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1" for $15 and the Original "Tron" for $20. That's a lot for movies, but I think I spent about the same amount last month. Oh, and I got Karissa a scratching pad, treats and a special rememdy for fur balls. I need to give it to her like twice a week and it's supposed to help with furballs. She's had a couple lately so it's a good thing. I know I got a couple more things, I think, but that was the jist of it. Oh yeah, a tub of Redvines for Jordan (though he's sharing) and some Easter candy that's now 75% off and Hershey's cookies and milk chocolate! Just had to try it because I'm not a huge fan of white chocolate, but to have cookies in chocolate . . . Well, I haven't had it yet, but I will.

Anyway, I know I'm feeling good and I'm a little worried that it might be hypomania because I'm actually cleaning up my room! LOL! I have been throwing things away, putting some things away. I packed up CDs I don't listen to. And I've been listening to these CDs my ex-friend Denise made for me years ago. If I say nothing else good about her, I have this - she had good taste in music! So much of it has been a blast from the past too! LOL! It's like stepping back into my teens hanging out with my friends and stuff. It's awesome! So I can say that for her. Anyway, back to my room. I took out this big vase thing that had glass flowers in it. It was pretty and all, but all it was doing was taking up space on my dresser and I'd never cared about it either way. So I cleared off the stuff on it and took it out to my mom. It was hers anyway. Then I arranged my photos over there and they look pretty good and if I wanted I could probably add maybe a pic or two.

Man I'm getting a little tired now. But it's a good tired, I think. My room still looks a mess, but it is looking better. I need to find a place to put a couple more items I don't want getting lost - like Cassie's Kindergarten Memories book that she made way back when. I'm sure I'll find a place. Then Jordan and I watched "Angels & Demons" and it was pretty good. It's not as good as "The Da Vinci Code" but it was good! Then I also got Jordan a Metallica CD which Jason thought was awesome. He's going to try to get Jordan some of the other CDs the group put out. I think that's cool. I just feel like I've gotten a lot done today and it's great! I feel like I really accomplished something, you know?

Now I'm going to see if I can pick up my meds and then come home and go to sleep. I am really starting to feel just how tired I am! LOL! Hopefully I sleep well tonight.

Tired and Stressed

I didn't sleep well last night. I took medication and it backfired. Just love it when that happens! NOT!! But I told Jordan to wake me up at 9:00am, but I think I ended up sleeping until 10:00am. After that I made my coffee and went to the bank to check my balance and . . . my money wasn't in yet. UGH!!! So I went back home. I ended up laying down and taking a nap.

After I got up, I went to the bank again - this time with my mom - and my money . . . . drum roll . . . Still wasn't IN!! So my mom had me take her to her bank where she cashed a $17 check and gave me the money for fuel. So if I don't get my money, I have fuel to get to class tomorrow and to my therapist. From there my mom wanted to go to Wendy's. She treated us to fish sandwich combos. It was so good! I love fish sandwiches and Wendy's is pretty good! On the way out we got Jordan a couple of Double Stackers. My mom had saved a bunch of her fries for him and we filled up her cup with Dr. Pepper so he'd have a drink. I think that was pretty good! He actually got up and ate without an attitude. 

My mom also told me today that she's going to not take rent from me anymore!! Isn't that awesome?? I'll have money! I'll be able to cover my gas for the month! I'll be able to get my brakes done next month! I can get make-up which I thought I wasn't going to be able to do this month. I do have to pay my mom $50 this month, but $30 goes to my gym membership and the $20 is for fuel that she's given me. I am just so thankful. But I also think my mom is just getting tired. She wants me to be more active in the house - make dinner for Jordan and I. She wants to go on a diet so she wants to just cook for herself. I don't mind. I think Jordan will be more willing to wash dishes if I cook. It's just because my mother really does just expect everyone to go "What can I do for you?" or just magically know what should be done. Some things seem obvious, but not to us. See, I try to say please and thank you and just that goes a long way. It's that attitude of "You should do this for me just because" - the sense of entitlement she has. People don't WANT to do something for people that have that kind of attitude. I didn't when I was a kid and my kids are like me. Treat me with respect I'll do it. Want to have the attitude that I should do this because you deserve it isn't a winning strategy.

Then my mother threw me another curve ball. Diana is coming to visit in June and she doesn't want me here because Diana and I fight. Correction - SHE picks fights with me!! I told my mother that and she doesn't want to talk about it. Obviously Diana must be the one in the right. I have a place I can go - Greg's. But I don't know. I hate the fact that I'm being kicked out of my own house because of that bitch. That I have to leave my cat behind because I don't want to risk her getting lose and running away or getting killed by Greg's dog. The big one that really needs to be somewhere else is Jordan. Diana and Jordan both rub each other the wrong way. Then Jason had to point out that she's probably going to spend the month telling mom to kick us out. But you know, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't control people. I can only control myself. I am feeling anxiety though. I'm trying to keep myself in check so I don't wig out, but it is stressful. However, I can only do what I can do. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, I laid down a little more with Karissa, but could only do that for so long. I then started working on my schedule. I'm finally in December, which I think is great! I watched the new episode of "Deadliest Catch", half of "Serenity." I also wrote to My Aussie!! And he wrote me back already!!! :-D So I'm pretty happy. But god knows I'm tired! LOL! However, I'm going to make it to midnight so I can go to the bank and check my balance once more. If the money is in, I might head to Walmart before going to sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day but if my money is in, it will be well worth it!

My Aussie and Other Good Things . . .

I am so happy! I heard from My Aussie!! ;-D I wasn't sure I was going to hear from him today, but sure enough, I checked this last time and I had an email! And not only was it an email, but it was a good sized one! Which makes me even happier. He feels closer to me when I tell him about my day and I feel closer to him when I share with him so it works out so well. I just love him and feel so special. He makes me feel good about who I am and that says a lot. Just wish I could just lay on the bed with him and let him hold me. That's what I think about most. Just how comforted I feel just thinking of him holding me. That's always been part of it since the first time we started talking to each other. Our interest was more than sexual fun (in the written word, that is). It was more than just flirtation. We grew close. Friends. More than friends. I remember he told me that he'd never leave his wife and my response - a completely honest one from me - I'd never ask you too. I think that really just made him realize that I was there for him. That I would never press things. And I would NEVER ask anyone to leave their family for me. Plus he is on the otherside of the world! But even if he were next door, I would be the same way. I would never try to force someone to leave their family. That's just not right to do. 

Anyway, other than that, I tried getting up early this morning and I just couldn't. Last night I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. I made the mistake of taking some nyquil, but then I called the pharmacy and found out my ativan was in. I had Jordan go with me to pick them up. But the damage to my legs was already done. All night my legs twitched and kept me awake for the most part even after the two ativan I took. Tonight I might take two as well, but no nyquil. I was so tired I took a nap this afternoon so I'm thinking maybe sleep won't be so hard to get to tonight. I just have this annoying habit of my mind kicking in as soon as I lay down. Fun, huh? 

I missed my first class, but I was too tired to get up. But I did make it to the second class - Dialetic Behavioral Therapy. We get to learn different words to represent different basic emotions. Like we covered Joy. There were a lot of good words to express different levels of joy. After all, you can't get a handle of my emotions if you can't recognize them. It was probably the largest class I've seen since being back there. I had to admit I like the smaller sized groups, but that's okay. I can deal with larger groups too. It's just not my preference. I was getting spoiled with the little groups though. LOL! They had also brought in Starbuck's day old pasteries and I had to admit I grabbed a bunch before I left. That ended up being my lunch.

Coming home, I'd checked my email and some things online, but I was so tired that I ended up napping on and off. I didn't actually wake up until around 5:00pm I guess. I woke up about every hour or so. But even now I feel tired. But it was Jason that finally woke me up. Cassie is now in her bedroom! They movied her bed, the lamp, the dresser, the table she wanted and they have her TV in there too all hooked up. It's awesome for her. She's really just needed to own space I think. I'm going over there tomorrow to see the room. I can't wait to see it. 

Anyway, my mom didn't feel like making dinner. I didn't feel like it either - no energy still being tired. But my mom gave me money to pick up some burgers and a soda for me. She wanted me to pick up some hotdogs on sale at the store too, but they weren't on sale anymore. But I did end up getting cheese slices that were on sale and a bottle of water. I drank some of it, but the rest is just sitting in the car. I didn't want my mom to know I bought it. It was with my food money, but she'd say it was stupid. But the water tastes so much better than tap or the filtered fridge water. 

After dinner I haven't done much of anything. I just watched some older episodes of "Destination Truth." I'm watching the new episode at 11:00pm because "Deadliest Catch" has Premiered tonight. The first season without Phil Harris. I miss him. He was a very real person. But I also didn't know that it was going to be two hours!! So I'm also missing "Marcel's Quantum Kitchen" but if I don't go to sleep right away after "Destination Truth" I can watch it because it'll show after it. I love the fact that SyFy reairs their 9:00pm and 10:00pm shows right after their first play through.

Anyway, I am hoping I'm gonna sleep tonight and that I don't have a problem getting up in the morning. See, coffee has so effect on me. I had my huge cup of iced coffee this morning like I do most mornings and that afternoon I'm napping. LOL! Go figure.

Now I'm going to go write an email to my Aussie and finish watching my shows. Sounds like a good night to me!

Movie Day!!!

I had such a hard time going to sleep last night. I think I get a little bit of a high when I buy things I am excited about - like the memory card reader and the Flash Drive. In fact, I ended up playing with the Flash Drive last night after all and I saved my story "The Black Cat" on it. It's good to have a copy that can't get erased. Anyway, I eventually went to sleep. Didn't wake up until around noon. That's not so bad. After all, I've slept until 3:00pm before! But I got up and got my coffee - even had some breakfast! My mom thawed some bagels. She'd baked them just a bit and they tasted like they were fresh. I had one with cream cheese and one with margarine. Jordan wouldn't have any because they had sesame and poppy seeds on them. LOL!

Jordan also reminded me that we were going to have a movie day. He wanted to start with "The Gangs of New York" but I told him that I wanted to start with "Edge of Darkness." So guess what we started with? Yep, "Edge of Darkness." It was a great movie. I got drawn in right away. In some respects the ending is sad, but with the way they handled it, it turned out like a bittersweet ending and it fit with the story very well. But what irritated me is that my DVD had some serious glitches so I didn't get to finish it right away. I was so upset that I couldn't just watch something else. I wanted to FINISH watching my movie. So I ended up going out and going back to Walmart to take it in for an exchange. On the way I had Jordan mail my QR7. We also stopped and got drinks from Albertson's. But once at Walmart it didn't take too long to turn it in and get a new one. And as soon as we got home, I forwarded to where the other movie screwed up and we finally watched the end of it. I'm glad I have it and I'm glad I got the new one. It needed to be exchanged.

Anyway, after that we did watch "The Gangs of New York" but paused halfway through to go get something to eat. I coudn't help myself and we went to Beef and Bun. It took almost $20 but I love their food . . . just hope I'm not hurting for the rest of the month. Jordan and I each got huge burgers. He got fries and I got onion rings and we both got the chocolate peanut butter shakes. Beef N Bun has the best shakes!! After that, we stopped at the 99 cent store. I needed to pick up some condoms for Jordan. Better safe than sorry. I almost got him colored ones by accident! LOL! I told him that and we both had a good laugh. My mom also called and wanted me to pick up some Creamy Tomato & Basil bisque from Vons. The line at the store was so long, I couldn't believe it! But I go through it easy enough.

By the time we got home we were ready to finish watching "The Gangs of New York." Then Jordan wanted to take "Ninja Assassin" to watch it in the other room because I was going to watch the finale of "Chopped All Stars" but I talked him into waiting an hour so we could watch it together. It was also good, though I had hoped there's be more of a relationship between the two main characters. Ah well. But I guess it's safe to say that we did have a movie day! I certainly enjoyed it. 

Oh, and need I say we spent the day also cuddling Karissa. She kept wanting to get her treats in the corner and we had to keep trying to push her away from them! LOL! But she'd also just move around to different spots on the bed to either get pet in different places or to try to escape from the attention for a bit. LOL! Either way she got LOVED up! In fact, I think she actually thrives on it. She is such a loved and spoiled little thing! LOL!

Now I think I am going to take my night meds and finish watching "River Monsters" that I just came across. But I'm tired and hopefully I'll sleep easier tonight. 

Tomorrow is going to be a long day. My mom wants to go shopping, shopping, Shopping and then Tuesday I have to go downtown. Ick. But I must. Anyway, I guess that's it for today. Time for bed.   

Shit Happens . . . :-(

Well, today hasn't been so good. I didn't do the dishes last night so my mother was in a mood when I got up and it continued most of the day. It was nice waking up to Cassie in the room playing on the computer. I got up and we had tuna and onion sandwiches. They were delicious! Then her and I went and watched "The Fourth Kind" which is a very interesting and creepy movie. Especially when you see the actual footage. I wasn't scared like jumping out of my skin or anything, but it really makes me think of the face of a barn owl differently! Anyway, that was part of the day that was nice. After the movie my mom was having a fit because I hadn't gone to the store but just as I was getting ready to go I asked her if she just wanted me to wait until tomorrow. That's when she remembered I get the food money then so that attitude was put away. Cassie almost wanted to spend the night with me again, but she doesn't like to get to school early and I don't like the traffic closer to the time school starts, so we decided it was better she go back with Jason and Susan, but it was nice she considered it, you know?

Susan came and got Cassie, leaving Jason off. He and I hung out. Everything is fine now. They weren't gone too long. Poor Jason was so tired, he nodded off here. I just let him sleep. We were watching "Chopped" anyway. Not his kind of show. After they came and got him - to return later with their kitties because they are getting their apartment sprayed tomorrow - my mom gave me money so I could go to Wendy's and get us burgers and fries. I so wanted to get an ice cream, but I didn't. It all tasted good though.

Now onto the bad things of the day. When Susan and Cassie returned with the cats, they didn't wait for Jordan to get out there to help them and in the end Christopher and Lulubelle got out. They were able to catch Lulu, but not Christopher. The kids, Susan and I tried looking for him for an hour and just couldn't find him. We called for him. We checked under the cars. In the ivy hedge he went into. Literally, we poked, proded, moved branches to look into the hedge. But nothing. He's gone. My mother actually left food on the porch, but there's been no sign. I promised Cassie that I'll try to work on a flyer tomorrow and she wasn't to take them around, but I am thinking that we aren't going to find him. It sucks. I love Christopher. He was my boy. :-( Cassie left crying. I know that Susan was crying and I heard it in Jason's voice when he called me. It so sucks. I mean, what can I do? I want Christopher back too, but I don't know what to do now.

I ended up spending the rest of the night watching The Food Network  - "Food Network Challenge,""Chopped All-Stars," "Iron Chef America," and "Cupcake Wars". Some of it was because trying to waste time to make it to midnight. Jordan and I wanted to go to Walmart and do some junk food shopping. But get this - we have done this several times and the money always comes in by midnight of the day it's supposed to be in - so we go and pick out stuff. All kinds of junk we want. I mean, not tons, but enough junk to last a little bit. So when we get to the register I'm told that my card has been declined for insufficiant funds!! I run it twice. It happens again. Finally, they give me the little sheet of paper that tells me my balance was just 44 cents. That's what I had before! I was supposed to have like $400 for food! It was supposed to be in my account! SO needless to say I'm ticked. I try not to take it out on anyone around me, but what pisses me off, I'm trying to move the cart out of my way and the guy that is like a manager or whatever was like, "I'll take that." I replied with an attitude, "We'll I'm certainly not!" That ticked me off too.

Jordan and I ended up getting what little fuel I could from the measily $3 I had. It wasn't nearly enough to even get a single gallon. After than, we came home, had cereal and now it's like 2:00am and I have to be up at 6:30am. Sometimes life just sucks and shit happens. Guess this was just one of those days.

Odds 'N Ends

What can I say? The last two days have sucked. I was so depressed and tired yesterday that I didn't even make an entry here at all. I just laid down and went to sleep. Then even today I just didn't want to get up because of being tired and depressed so I didn't crawl out of bed until 2pm or later. Even then, I didn't leave the room. I ended up watching "Confessions of Animal Hording" or something like that on Animal Planet. My mom had made spaghetti so I did go out eventually and eat, but after that I went back to my room and watched more about the Animal Hording until I switched to the Food Network. I finally got to see almost an entire episode of "Restaurant: Impossible" which was great! I had wanted to see it, but it comes on when I have other things to watch so being able to see it today was nice. 

Jordan came into the room around then and wanted me to take him to go get something to eat. I also wanted something more, but I waited until the show was over and I talked him into getting me a shake with his money. So I took him to Beef and Bun. He got himself a big meal with a shake and got me a shake. Yum!! Then I went up to Walmart. I really wanted a new book since I finished "The Bone Garden" and just my luck I found "The Surgeon" by Tess Gerritsen, the same author. I also picked up some goodies that I probably shouldn't have, but oh well at this point.

Now I'm home. I am watching the finale of "Worst Cooks in America" followed by "Iron Chef America." My mother just came in yelling at me about Jordan. He's supposed to have done a few things today - including taking a shower and he didn't so she freaked out and yelled at me about it. There is only so much I can do about him. But tomorrow I'll try to get on his case and get him to do more of what he's supposed to do. That's the best I can do.

I do think tomorrow is going to be a better day. I have to set my alarm, but I'm going to get up around 8:00am and take the 5-hour energy then hopefully head to the gym. I have to get myself back together again. In fact, I'm also going to work on the writing tomorrow. I want myself heading back in the right direction again. I have had two days for "Oh poor me" now it's time to get going again.

Besides, I can't stay angry with Jason forever. I just can't! He's my brother!! At least that's how I look at him and that's how it's always going to be, I think. He just has to learn to keep his mouth shut or his texting fingers silent when he's angry so he doesn't lash out. Thank god this doesn't happen often, but he really did hurt me bad. But he loves me and I love him and that happens sometimes, right?

Anyway, the is ending on a relatively good note. Karissa has been with me almost all day. It was so funny. She liked to sleep on the clothes that were on my bed, but I folded them today. So what did she do? She went to my laundry hamper, knocked it over, crawled inside and went to sleep! LOL! That's a good memory I can keep to make me smile.

Well, time to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is going to be a better day! Maybe even one of the best!

Mother, May I Have Some Aggravation??

So much for waking up early. I tried but I couldn't stay awake. I ended up going back to sleep. Ugh! Jordan woke me up at 2:00pm which was better than letting me keep sleeping. Of course, what he wanted was to go to Wendy's. We actually went into the place rather than going through the Drive-Thru. I don't like going in though. There were all kinds of teeny-boppers were there. Though I didn't hear anything derogatory I did hear laughing. It would be nice if I weren't being paranoid, but in all likelihood they were laughing about me and how fat I am. Ah well . . . It's just something I have to deal with. It's not exactly like I'm devoted to losing weight. I should, but I'm not. I ended up getting Spicy Asian Chicken with a large drink and a strawberry shake. Jordan got a hamburger combo. After that, I wanted to send him into the store to get my Woman's World, but he wouldn't. So instead I went to get fuel for the car. He went in to pay for the fuel and I had him get me a U-NO bar. I love those things!

Then when we get home and my mom finds out we went to Wendy's she becomes a bitch!! I don't understand why . . . She needed to get her medication from the pharmacy so I grabbed my book and took her. She wouldn't talk to me the whole time I drove her there and barely said anything to me on the way back. Then she blew up because Jordan was sleep and he hadn't waited to water. I told my mom I could water the front yard and she still slipped out! I offered! So she rants and raves for several more minutes and finally she came back and I told her that when she was gone it was MY JOB to water the front yard. Jordan took care of the side and the back. Finally she wanted me to go do it. And I did without a problem. It's just annoying how she deals with things. I mean, she's very passive/aggressive. She doesn't know HOW to be assertive. Talking normal about something that upsets her is impossible. She'd rather have her bitching and moaning and nothing getting done rather than talk about it and work with people. Then she wonders why Cassie doesn't want to come home! Gee, Mom, you don't think it might be you and your attitude, do you?? UGH!!! Just so aggrivated with her!!!

After that though, I got online. I checked all my sites and then I did my search for Denise. It really is obsessive. I even found Heather and Kenneth. I looked up Kenneth and found this place http://www.myyearbook.com/. It's a fun site and it's fun to put your profile together and all. But on the other hand, it runs really, really slowly. Something about it makes my computer run slow and I have a centrino Duo processor. Anyway, I wouldn't have found it had it not been for that search! I tell you, I find the most interesting sites doing these searches! LOL! I guess even Ex-Friends can be useful. 

I do have to admit that since reading Denise's last statement on Yahoo where she was giving up on everything, as much as part of me was going HA! There was part of me that just felt bad for her. So much so that I actually dreamed about her last night and that we were friends again. But the feel was different. Like she was more of a kid. It was an interesting dream. Wish I remembered more of it. I mean, I don't want her to succeed in writing because of how she's treated Nicole and I. But I don't want to see her suffer either. She doesn't have the gift of writing. If she had, she would have gotten somewhere by now. She's put a lot of effort into trying to get published. I haven't put forth that much effort yet. But the time is coming. I just have to ready myself.

Anyway, I started reading "The Bone Garden" by Tess Gerritsen. It's good. I also watched "Worst Cooks in America" and "Iron Chef America." I didn't, however, do any writing today. I think I'm going to make sure I set aside time tomorrow to work on my story and also I want to set a date for editing "Assassin's Seduction." I'm leaning toward doing it February 28th. That's not that far away, but it's not tomorrow either. So I think that will work. I just need to move forward. That's the only way I'll really get my confidence back and I know I can do it. 

I guess emotionally I'm okay. I'm a bit more emotional and more ready to argue, but I'm hoping that will settle down over the next couple of days. I'm also hoping that I won't get bad cramps either. Yep! Aunt Flo is here. At least the PMS hasn't been terrible yet. Maybe this month I'll be okay.

Well, I think it's time for me to wrap up a bit and go to sleep. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I get to pick up my baby girl from school and spend the day with her! :-) Yay! I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I also want to wake up early. I'm NOT giving up! LOL! So we try again!

Almost Gave Sleeping Beauty a Run for Her Money

I was totally exhausted last night and even though I had high hopes of sleeping well once again, once again I didn't. I think I fell asleep around 3:00am. But here's the thing. I slept until 3:00pm! Ugh! And then I still wanted to go back to sleep. In fact, after I had dinner I almost laid down. Not like I had anything to do anyway. I just don't know why I was and am so tired.

Jordan came in my room with me. I let him play on the laptop with my show on and I laid down with Karissa beside me. That was nice this afternoon when I woke up. Karissa was right in front of my face when I woke and that was awesome! :-) I love when she cuddles up to me like that. So at least I had that little sunshine moment. Also at one point Cassie and her boyfriend came over with Jason and Susan who wanted a restaurant coupon and I was the only one that could print it out. It was good to see Cassie. I also got to see the photos she took of the Seal tour they took today. It was awesome. There were so many Sea Lions. I would like to do that one of these days, but I'm not going to hold my breath. My chances are very slim.

Then I get a call from Jason that says he got a text from someone saying that Greg had died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound! I don't believe it. I haven't heard from him and I have called and texted, but Jason called the Kaiser info line and he wasn't listed on it so . . . I don't believe it. I mean, they can't text that crap anyway. It's shit and to be honest I'm pissed that he would do that. It's not remotely funny and is just another reason for him to be put in the looney bin for a few days. I've been in the bin myself, but right now he seriously needs it and when I do hear from him he's going to get it from me. I already texted him and told him it wasn't funny and that he should not have done that. I mean, how sick can you be to do that to your friends? Guess I'm just going to be ticked off for awhile over this.

I do have to admit that I am a little worried. I am almost 100% sure that was just a sick joke, but on the other hand, I haven't heard from him and I've tried calling and texting. But then, he probably knows just how upset I am. I don't know. But there is that bit of worry there. I just don't understand why.

Anyway, other than that, Jordan and I were waiting for my mom to go to bed, but by 11pm she was STILL AWAKE!! Ugh!! We were going to Beef 'n Bun to get burgers and shakes. I just had to get another one. So finally I just told her I was awake so I was going to go to the pharmacy and pick up some meds that I needed to get instead of tomorrow. It was great to get out of the house, but I would have rather her have been asleep instead. Ah well . . . It was also incredibly foggy. It was so bad I could barely see in front of me! But we got there, got our food and shakes and went to the Vons parking lot to eat. I couldn't exactly bring it home. Jordan doesn't like onion rings, but he was sure impressed by the size of mine. He got a chocolate shake, but regretted not getting a peanut butter chocolate shake after he tasted mine. LOL! Those are the best!!

Okay, I'm still tired and I'm hoping I'll sleep. Maybe I need to just stop saying that. Maybe I'm just jinxing myself. LOL! Maybe I should say I'm NOT going to sleep no matter how much I want. :-P Who knows. But either way, tomorrow is coming. Tomorrow I will work on my writing. Hopefully I won't sleep all day. It just seems to put me in a darker mood. I have actually felt okay and right now I feel fine, but there were a couple of times today I felt depressed. Sleeping all day just throws me off I think. So hopefully tomorrow I will wake up a little earlier.

I just hope everything works out and that I hear from Greg. Though I might kill him myself. I'll just keep watching "Billy the Exterminator" until I go to sleep. Love that show. Okay, enough. I'm rambling. Time to try to go to sleep.



Flip a Coin

I spent most of today in a good mood and my mood is okay at the moment (though again I am really tired), but I did have some down time.

Last night I couldn't sleep so just after midnight I went to Walmart to do some shopping - Vitamins, nose spray, cough medicine and I also ended up getting two DVDs and a couple of books. I spent too much, but at least the DVDs were not too expensive. "Red" was only $15 while "Law Abiding Citizen" was only $13. The two books I got for myself was a total of $9, I think. But I also got Jordan a book for $8. I had to get the book because it's something he'll actually read!! And that's worth it for me. I just hope I find another book he'll want to read after that. It's a miracle he'll read now. After "Assassin's Creed Brotherhood" I'll just have to take him to Barnes and Noble to find another book. Anything to keep him reading.

On the way home from the store I stopped at the Mexican food place that's in the old Taco Bell building on Jackson. I got me a chili Relleno burrito and I got Jordan a bean and cheese burrito. The sad part of it was it wasn't very good. We both thought that. Cotija's is the best followed by Sombrero and Lareto's. Too bad they were too far away to go to. Next time I won't be stopping at this new place. Yuk.

When I got home and we ate I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. I took flexiril and some cough medicine and even an ativan and nothing worked. I was so tired too and my legs just felt like then't  wanted to keep twitching and twitching. I don't remember what time I finally fell asleep, but it must have been 6-7am. Needless to say I slept until 3pm, I think. I'm trying to remember! LOL! Sometime while I was asleep Jordan asked me if he could watch "Red" so I let him though I wanted us to watch it together. We did, however, watch "Law Abiding Citizen" together! That's a movie we've been dying to see since it came out and we weren't disappointed either. The movie was GOOD! The bad guy was totally fascinating. You could understand why he did what he did. I liked him! What's funny is when I was a kid I was only on the good person's side. I hated the bad guy or loved it when the bad guy turned good. But as time as gone on, I appreciate bad guys. You can't have as story without an antagonist, right? And the best are the kind you can get some sympathy for because it's the most interesting kind. Or just something that makes them interesting and just transitions from a typical bad guy to something much much more. Like now, Hannibal Lecter is one of my favorite characters! That would have never happened when I was a teenager. I guess between growing up more and my writing, you understand more about how important the bad guy is, especially if he's designed as a real person and not a comic book Villain.

Now that I've gone off on that tangent! LOL! Anyway, Jason and Susan called and invited us to join them at Cici's at 7pm. We were both starving so basically we had to stop at the post office to mail two letters for my mother. I had to go to the bank and pull out money, then I took Jordan to load his compass card (bus pass) and then we grabbed a little something from Jack in the Box because neither of us had eaten and I was getting sick. After that, we headed over to Cici's.

It's weird, when I first walked in with Jordan, Jason gave me some weird look and I thought he was upset or something. He also mouthed 'I'm not talking about it.' I was like, Okay . . . But we got pizza, soda . . . I got salad too. And I got to see my Cassie and order her Mac n Cheese pizza while I got bbq pork for me, not to mention all the types on the buffet. Needless to say, Jordan and I ate big time. LOL! And it was nice. We all talked and ate. Nothing major happened. They did talk to Jordan about going back to school, but whether that sunk in is another matter, but Jordan tells me he's going back to school. Okay, that was a run on sentence, but I don't care. LOL!

When we get home Nicole calls, which is great. We have a chance to filled out my Friendship Scrapbook. Cassie had been disappointed that I didn't bring it with me to dinner, but she wouldn't have had time to fill it out anyway. I told her next time. Anyway, it was good to talk to Nicole. But then Jason texts me and asked if I think I'm ever going to be a productive member of society and then asked me not to take it wrong!! Ugh!! Well, I was offended but I answered the question which was a no because I can't get passed the panic I feel. And it lasts for hours!! I just can't face that again. He says he understands and he just asks because he wants better for the kids, but how else am I supposed to take it when he puts it like that, you know? So that got me down a little bit. No one likes to be told they're not a productive member of society. I don't know. But it's not enough to knock me completely down. It did take the wind out of my sails a bit though. I almost didn't take time to write today, but I told myself that I was going to write no matter what, even if it sounded like crap. Well, I ended up not just writing I wrote something that was over a page long AND I think it's pretty good! So I'm feeling much better. I just have to sit myself down and tell myself I'm going to write no matter what and maybe that will set me on the right path again. I want to be able to throw myself back into my writing and I think I'm headed in the right direction.

Anyway, I suppose that's about it. It's after midnight. I'm tired though who knows if I'll sleep. I'd watch "Red" but I want to just go to sleep if I can. I need to wake up early in the morning to get my mom to her doctor's appointment anyway. Guess I'm just going to call it a night and leave on a positive note. I'm doing good. 

The Sun Shined On Me Today!

I have honestly had a good day today!! And it's so nice to have it. A good day from beginning to end. After all the depression lately it really is a nice reprieve.

I woke up early today and stayed awake. Cassie basically woke me up. She needed the paperwork that had to be turned into the school so Susan could pick her up too. Then there was the form for Cassie next IEP meeting and the okay for the tests they'll have to do to assess where she's at. Then I also had her take in the form for welfare and tell them I'd pick it up later, which I did about 10am. I could have gone back to sleep, but I decided not to and drank a bunch of my sweet and creamy coffee. Then I texted Cassie and she texted back at lunch. By the end of the lunch though, she'd talked me into picking her up for an hour! LOL! The little twit! I love her so much!

We didn't do much after I picked her up because Greg came over too. I let Cassie play on the laptop as Greg filled out my Friendship Scrapbook. Outside of me, he's the first to complete it. Cassie wanted to fill it out too but we ran out of time.

She did fight going back to school, but I stuck to my guns and Greg drove us over. We said goodbye then Greg and I came back here. Cassie just didn't want to go to Math. She hates math. She hates the teacher. She hatest the teacher so much that she won't stay for tutoring unless the other teacher is there. Not that she likes her either, but I guess she likes that teacher just a little better. She did get out of tutoring today. She was starting to get a stomach ache when I told her she had to go back to school. I hate that she gets so anxious about that teacher. Ugh! But there's nothing that can be done. The counselor said she needed to be in that class because that's where she has resources to help. Unfortunately, she hasn't utilized it much until recently. But it was good to see her. And it was great texting with her too.

After that my mom had me go out to get her stamps. I brought Jordan so he could run in for me. I always used the opportunity to have Jordan go into the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I needed it badly. I was completely out of Invega 3mg. Soon I'll need to pick up the 6mg one. I also got my Lamictal. Then with the money left over from the stamps my mom told us to pick up burgers and fries for dinner. That was nice, I thought. I didn't have enough to get us all large fries because dumb me didn't take my wallet with me. :-P Ah well . . .

Other than that, I finished reading "Next" and started reading "The Chronicles of Riddick" but this book isn't as good. I'm struggling to get through the beginning. I think once I'm passed the beginning it should start to get more interesting. Either way, I think I'm going to read it through just to say I've done it! LOL! I also texted with Greg and Jason and did a year spread with my Tarot deck. It looks like May is going to be a really bad month, but we'll see if that happens. It did seem to be kind of accurate so far as far as my mood goes. October is supposed to be a great month! Who knows what may lie ahead and as we all know there are always going to be good and bad months. I just hope the bad times aren't enough to throw me in the hospital and that's if any of this comes to pass. The thing about Tarot is you really can't prove it until after the fact and on top of that once you know something, it can change the outcome. I don't believe life is fixed. I look at the future as fluid. But I'll try to stay positive and I do hope October is a stellar month. Maybe that's when something goes right for me in the writing world!

And speaking of writing, I finally took a tray table into my room and suddenly it has eased up my writing. It makes a HUGE difference from typing on the lap and feet. It gave me enough gumption to sit down and write on my new story and I got to where I wanted to get! Now I just need to plan the next scene. One way or another I'm going to try writing again tomorrow. I need to make it a habit. That's what writers do and it's time for me to get serious again. Maybe next week I'll also go back to editing my first book and get it ready to go out. I'm going to look into ePublishers and a couple actual publishing houses. It can't hurt. Well, actually it can. Even though I try to prepare for the worst when it happens it still knocks me down. How much does THAT suck?? LOL! 

Anyway, it's been a really good day and I hope the trend continues. It can be very hard to keep a positive attitude but I'm going to do my best to keep that way for as long as I can. 

A Star in the Dark

After being so depressed I finally had a good night. Today was kind of dull. Then I got invited over to Jason and Susan's for dinner. At first I wasn't sure I could go. I have two doctor appointments tomorrow - medical and psychological. When you don't have money fuel is always an issue. Anyway, i talked to my mother about getting some fuel money from her. I don't like to ask her, but I usually have to once a month. I had to listen to her for about 30 minutes, but she gave me $20 which was nice. Then she wanted me to run to the store and get eggs and vanilla ice cream. Then she gave me $4 to get burgers for her and Jordan for dinner. So quickly I went to Albertson's. I usually get my eggs at Vons, but Albertson's is closer. They moved the eggs so I had trouble finding them. Grabbed the ice cream no problem. I grabbed a water too. Nothing is better than cold water! After I was done with that, I went to Wendy's and got the burgers. I used some change and got myself a burger too. All I'd had was coffee until that point today. Once I did that, I headed home, called to have Jordan come out and grabbed the stuff and I took off to Jason and Susan's.

Being over at Jason and Susan's is always nice. When I got there it was just Jason. Susan was taking Cassie to see her friend (and her boyfriend). I talked a bit to Jason telling him about the depression and he's worried I feel like they are taking her away from me which I don't feel at all. I told him I just felt like a failure as a mother. He assured me that I wasn't. That I was a very good mother because I wanted to do what was right for my daughter. And I do know what I'm doing is right. When Susan got back Jason told her what I said and she assured me too. Guess I just need constant reassurance as sad as that is to say. Then Susan started dinner. picked up Cassie and came back. As soon as Cassie was in the door she came and hugged me leaning against me. She'd missed me. :-) I was glad she was happy to see me. She leaned against me for awhile as we chatted. Then it was time for dinner - spaghetti and raviolies. We watched a little TV though talked most of the time. I got to hold and watch and talk to my little girl. Jason eventually got grumpy, but he's a morning person now and it was getting late and Cassie was getting sassy. LOL! But as 9:30pm rolled around I figured it was time to go and let Cassie get ready for bed. She walked me to the car (to look for something in the car she might want) and then we hugged each other lots of times before she went back inside and I came home.

At least I can say I'm happy at the moment and I'm tired so maybe I'll sleep early and wake up relatively early tomorrow. I just hope this good feeling lasts into tomorrow. But if nothing else I've had a bright spot in a dark time.



This Depression is Really Getting Old

This depression is really getting old. I have trouble getting to sleep but then when I do I don't want to wake up. I just don't want to get up. I know I should start forcing myself to wake up and do stuff or at least just wake up, but it's hard to do. Then I woke up this afternoon shaking. In fact, I'm still shaking now. It's not as bad, but it's still there. I wonder if it's the vicodin I took last night to help me sleep. It didn't work either and I'm out of ativan again. The anxiety is still bad. To make matters worse CVS has been calling the wrong number. I gave them the right number yesterday, but I still don't have my ativan. If I don't get it tomorrow I'm going to go nuts.

Today has been somewhat productive. My mom gave me money to get Jordan a couple pair of jeans. We went to Good Will in Santee and found two pairs. I also found The Chronicles of Riddick book. It was only 75 cents and it looks like it's never been read. I also saw they had some good CDs and DVDs. It might be worth me checking out in a couple of months for anything good. With what was left of the money Jordan and I got MacDonald's. I also stopped at the Hostess store. It was probably the wrong thing to do, but I couldn't help it. LOL! I wanted to see if they still had Fruitcake and I was rewarded for it! They had a bunch still so I grabbed a couple. Then after going home my mom gave me money to get dinner at Wendy's. As for being productive Jordan has also been helping me with laundry. Tomorrow he'll help me finish the rest and help me with my room so that way I can get to the closet. Maybe once the room looks better I'll start feeling a little better. That and probably a shower would help. I'm going to take a shower tomorrow. It's way over-due.

I did have a nice escape tonight though. Syfy has been running Star Trek: The Next Generation and two Star Trek movies - The Voyage Home and The Undiscovered Country. I forgot how much I loved these movies because it's been so long since I've seen them. Anyway, the movies are farther up my want list again. Eventually I'll get them. After all, I got all four Indiana Jones movies. It will just take time and opportunity . . . and money, of course.

I just hope I sleep tonight and that tomorrow I feel better. I suppose I just need to believe it for it to happen. Think I'll finish losing myself in The Undiscovered Country for now.