HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Today has been pretty good! I woke up around 12:30pm and my mom had cooked up some maple sausages. Yum! I fixed myself iced coffee with my cinnamon vanilla cream creamer. I also heard from Mark! I don't know why but he doesn't seem to get my texts except when he texts me. It almost sounds like he has a phone like Greg used to have where texts would come randomly sometimes or not show up.  Though with Greg I really think that was due to his drugs. I think he thought he texted me, but didn't. Anyway, it was good to know that Mark hasn't written me off. He is quite a kinky guy so we'll see what happens.

Jason and Susan came over just long enough to bring my black cat mask over. I got to see Jordan in his scarecrow costume. He looked good! Then I rooted around in my change and got enough money to take him to CVS pharmacy to get some fake blood so he could look like a fresh zombie. Of course, next year we get the gray make-up so he can look more like one. This year he had to explain himself a bit. Still he got a good amount of candy!

Cassie was a fox and went to the school dance this afternoon. She was going to go with her boyfriend Ben, only he managed to get himself suspended. But she still had a great time hanging out with her friends. She really had a good time from what she told me. I'm glad she had that experience!

When I got home, I was a little aggravated because the guy to wash down the house came at 4:00pm and I still had to put up the Trick or Treat tape up on the garage door and get the pumpkins outside. But he didn't take that long, so that worked. But he took up the drive way too!! So I had to park on the street and that kinda ticked me off. But whatever. As soon as Jordan had a sandwich, George called and told Jordan he could go over so I helped Jordan put the blood on his face and then he left. Cassie took a shower and got her make-up and costume back on. She also helped me get the pumpkins outside and get them lit.

I got my own mask ready and at about 7:00pm we started getting kids showing up. I handed out candy, of course. It was fun and there were some really cute little kids and some older kids. I didn't mind. It was just fun handing out candy. I also watched and am watching the "Ghost Hunters Live" Halloween investigation. It's cool though I've only been paying half attention between looking for Trick or Treaters and then spending time with the kids. Cassie got a CRAP LOAD of candy!! HUGE amount! Jordan got quite a bit took but not near what Cassie got. They both shared with me which was nice so I had my fill of sugar! LOL! And that's not including my snacking on the candy we were giving out. :-)

I did post pix of the kids and I in costume on Cafemom and I have a lot more pix on the camera. These were just cell phone pix. In fact, here are the pix!

I think we all looked pretty good! Anyway, it was a lot of fun! It's kind of sad that Halloween is over. But oh well! It'll be back next year!

Now I'm going to finish watching "Ghost Hunters" take my meds and see about getting some sleep, though I don't know if I will. We'll see!

Bumps on the Road

I think the depression is still with me. I don't feel as bad as I did, but I didn't want to wake up today and have been tired all day too. But the great thing about today was that Cassie and Katie Kelly came over!! :-) It worked out that Katie came with her because I really didn't feel like carving a pumpkin and usually I LOVE to do it. Another sign that my depression is still hanging around. But it was good to just be with Cassie too.

Cassie and Katie got the papers spread out over this tarp my mom gave them and then they set out carving. Cassie cut the top of her pumpkin first and remembered the chimney. She told me I'd trained her to do that. :-) Then Katie Kelly cut hers. Cassie spent a lot of time cleaning out her pumpkin and we talked about growing pumpkins. She also decided to do the cat sitting on a branch and started to poke out the design. Katie Kelly took longer to get her pumpkin cleaned out, but that was cool. She decided to do the dragon. I took pictures! :-D It worked out very well!

Then the girls wanted to go to the park so I said okay. They left. My mom took a nap. When she woke up she wanted to go to the 99 cent store, but Cassie and her friend weren't back from the park yet. She starts yelling at me about why did I let them go when I knew she wanted to go to the store! UGH!!! I was really short with her and told her they left BEFORE she said anything. But I called Cassie and had them come back.

That ended up being a bit of a fiasco because it caused an argument between my mom and I. Cassie wanted the computer, but Jordan was using it stay awake. She started bitching about him. My mom agrees with her and starts bitching about him and took over the bitching. Jordan hears and gets upset. It gets me upset and my mom and I end up yelling at each other. But I did take her to the store. She bitched and moaned about getting me some batteries and a chocolate rice putting which was a total of $4 plus tax on the batteries. But I stopped arguing with her.

By the time we got home, Cassie and Katie Kelly were gone. I texted her and told her I loved her and that I was glad she'd come over. I then went out to the front yard and watered. My mom started dinner for us - frozen dinners, salad, potato hash. But before they were done I went to my room and watched "Finding Bigfoot: Further Evidence" Basically they took the episodes and added some comments here and there. It's cool. It's like "River Monsters: Unhooked." I also spent a little time working on my James Bond fan fiction. I am so tired though, I didn't push the writing like I did yesterday.

Dinner was good. Then I had that chocolate rice pudding. It was good. I liked it. But I think I prefer regular rice pudding.

Anyway, I went back to my room but then I left to go see Crazy Uncle Steve's house. I put the batteries in the boom box, but I'm not liking my boom box. It wouldn't stay on the channel unless I keep my finger on it. It shouldn't be like that. But I got to watch the two songs he has synched up to the lights. It was so cool! He puts so much work into the lights and it's great to be able to enjoy it. I'm going to go over there several times during Christmas.

When I got back I went back to watching "Finding Bigfoot: Further Evidence," but I turned it when I saw the time because I wanted to watch "The Next Iron Chef: Super Chefs." I have been waiting two weeks for this at least. So needless to say that show took presidence over any other show. But now I'm watching the last half of "IRT - Deadliest Roads." Then I'm going to hope that the bigfoot special that was on at the same time as "The Next Iron Chef" is re-airing. I'll find out in about ten minutes!

Guess that's about it for my day. I am exhausted so I don't know if I'm actually going to watch the bigfoot show or not if it's on. I might just take my meds and go to sleep. But we'll see. It depends on how I feel.

I can't believe that Halloween is tomorrow! It's exciting! Cassie is going to the dance at school tomorrow with her boyfriend Ben. She's going to look so cute as a fox. I've seen her in the costume and she is cute in it. But what's cool too, is that Cassie might trick-or-treat around here!! I don't know why it's so exciting for me, but it is. :-D I hope tomorrow is a great day. I don't want anymore days where I feel exhausted like this.

Rocky

Today was a rocky day emotionally. Yesterday seemed like a good day at first. I met Mark. We got together sexually and I had a good time. He said he'd had a good time, but he hasn't contacted me since. I was so tired yesterday that I just wanted to sleep, but my mom was so upset about Jordan's room where he had thrown a bunch of crap everywhere - including food packages and stuff - and Cassie's bed being unmade and things tossed everywhere. Even though Jason and Susan wanted to pick Cassie up - and they did - they had to drop her off so she could take care of her mess. Jordan came home from TRACE about the same time so I got on his case. But Cassie brought home her friend Karriane. But it turned out that her mother wasn't too happy about it and so I had to taken her home. Then Jason and Susan wanted me to take her back there. I figured I should. They went out of their way to pick her up when it didn't make much sense. Of course, if Cassie wouldn't have left everything a mess to begin with it wouldn't have been a problem.

Anyway, I was kind of upset that Mark hadn't contacted me back and I was so over tired that I just went to sleep. I even missed the primiere of "Chuck" and the new "Sanctuary." I just wanted to sleep. Then Jordan woke me up at 4:00am and wanted me to take him to Jack in the Box. I told him to let me sleep another hour. He did and so I took him. I got myself onion rings and an egg roll. Then swung by McDonald's to get a Dr. Pepper. After I ate I went back to sleep. 

I slept until 10:30am or so. My mom woke me up for breakfast. She'd made pancakes, bacon and eggs. Yum!! It was good. Then she wanted to go to mail some letters, go to the bank and then to Walmart. So that's what we did. I had to get milk and cereal anyway. I didn't have enough to get cereal or the kind I get so she gave me some money to cover it and getting myself a drink from McDonald's. I just didn't feel well. I don't know if I'd say I felt used though I think I was, but I didn't feel well. It didn't help that I accidently missed my meds last night AND this morning. Anyway, I really felt down when I took her to Walmart. I got what I was supposed to and then headed to McDonald's to wait. I got my drink and sat down. Eventually I started working on a scene for my recent James Bond fan fiction. It was hard for me to concentrate. In fact, it's been like that all day. But anyway, my mom came up and wanted me to get her some fries and a burger. I did that then she let me get a "Woman's World." When we got back home I had Jordan bring the stuff in and I called Mark. Still nothing. I was really more upset than I would let on, but then I responded to Rick's email and he called. It was good to talk to him. He loves to have sex and even though we've only been together twice we want to get together again. Knowing that he was still into me and just that it seemed like he cared put me in a better mood. :-) So I started feeling much better.

Anyway, I have been working on my fan fiction since I've gotten home, but it's been slow going. I think what I'm writing is okay, but not great. Still, I'm making progress, though I'm about ready to try to go to sleep. I've been watching all kinds of Halloween kind of shows on History today. I watched something on Vampires, on Vlad the Impaler, the real deal on Halloween and a possible zombie apocolypse. :-) It's been a good Saturday for TV and that's a rarity!

I guess there's not much else to say. Things could be better, but I'm doing okay. Better than I was doing earlier!

The First Date Leading to a Second

Today was very good I think! I got Cassie up for school and got her off. I came home and slept about two hours and got up in time to make it to my lunch date with Mark at Taco Bell! We ate and talked. It's still kind of new so there is some nervousness, but we're going to have lunch again tomorrow and then see how thinks work out physically. ;-) I'm not one for waiting, though I have to say I'm nervous. But I think ultimately this is going to be a fun day. I just have to get over myself. We've already talked about being safe and we don't have to worry about where because we'll have a room. Jason keeps being a pain in the butt about the fact that he took me to Taco Bell. Come on! It was a lunch date anyway and I'm the one that suggested it! I figured that eventually if we go out to dinner we'll go some place nice. I think Jason is just being the protective brother. I can deal with that as long as he goesn't get to be a real pain in the ass. I think he'll be okay though.

Anyway, I got home and was tired, but I tried to work a little on my James Bond fan fiction, but I was so tired!! Then waiting for Cassie at school was not easy either. I just wanted to lay down and sleep. However, I did get to text Mark. His texts are so weird. I know it's got to be his phone. But when he texts it breaks it up into 2-3 messages! It's crazy. The only other thing is he writes in capitals. That sort of is annoying and hard to read. I might talk to him about it and see what happens.

Well, I cleaned up my room a bit. I got all the trash out which made it so that I could push the bed all the way back - well as far back as I can get it. I folded up clean clothes and sorted dirty clothes. I need Jordan to start them. I also need to hang them up. I don't think I have enough hangers. But we will try.

Being too tired to write I basically vegged out to the TV. I watched "Criminal Minds" and "Chopped." They were episodes I'd never seen before. So that was cool. I'm now watching "Sweet Genius" which I really like. What sucks is that I'm going to be up for awhile as Jordan does the laundry. Ugh! And I need to make sure that I wake Jordan up around 5:30am. He's going to a ticket buy with Susan. She's then going to take him up to see Cy from TRACE and she might even wait for him and bring him home. Then Cassie is coming home in the morning and I'm taking her to school. Then picking her up and taking her to some party. What's cool too is that Susan and Cassie got me a cat mask! I'm pretty excited about it. I'll have a costume for Halloween!

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I've been more calm today and tomorrow will be interesting. We'll see how things play out.

Wired!!

I have been so up today!! My mind has been going, going, going! I didn't fall asleep until around 5:30am I woke up at 6:20am and then got Cassie to school. I came home and went back to sleep. I finally woke up around 1:30pm. This seems to be getting to be a pattern and I'm not liking it! Especially since I have a date tomorrow at 10:30am at Taco Bell. I hope I don't have to go while exhausted!

Anyway, I went to pick Cassie up after getting my coffee. But I just couldn't concentrate on anything, but I wanted to talk or do something. It helped that Mark had texted me to see if I got texts. So once I got to Cassie's school I texted him. I also called Nicole but missed her. I called Sherry about the bathing suits, but got her husband John. I called and left a message for Patty. Texted Carlos about Ichigo and Sebastian. I haven't texted them in ages, but I asked about the kitties. He said he'd send me pix tomorrow. But I have just been so excited and wound up! I mean, between thinking of just how great it's going to be to lose weight and that the guy I met at Walmart is really into me - but it scares me a bit. I don't want him to be another Greg, though already he's not. He has a job and he's not addicted to pain pills that I know of. That's something I'm sure we'll talk about. What does worry me a little is he's coming on a bit strong. That might be something I'll talk to him about tomorrow. But so far I really do like him.

So Cassie gets out of school and she tells me she wants to stay and she'll walk home. Turns out she wanted to hang out with her new boyfriend Ben. My mom wasn't happy that she stayed with friends instead of being with me. Ugh! My mom is a pain in the ass. Cassie did eventually come home in plenty of time and decided to come to therapy with me.

Patty also  called back and her and I talked for awhile. It was great talking with her. She has been dealing with stuff but she plans on going back to one of her writing groups. She's had trouble concentrating too. Then she was also congradulating me about the gastric bypass and even said that when I lose weight I could ride in an airplane seat and that she'd get me a ticket or somehow we'd get a ticket. Anyway, it was good to hear from her.

Therapy was good. Cassie waited, did her homework and ended up reading her book. Apparently there were sex scenes in the book. LOL! Well, she would be reading that stuff sooner or later. It's just funny because we were talking about the ways things like that are described in books because she asked and I told her that a guy's part is commonly referred to as a shaft and sure enough in her book it said shaft! LOL! I thought that was so funny! But therapy was good. I'm a little more calm than I was so maybe the high I was one is slowling down. I hope maybe a little because I'm tired and would like to try to sleep tonight. But I got to talk to Dr. Tess and he said that I had lots of good things going on and feeling up was normal though maybe a bit higher. He also said if I fall down that just remember the good things going on. :-)

When we got home my mom had dinner kind of ready. She made quesadillas and ramen noodles with shrimp. It was pretty good. After dinner, I did most of the dishes, but my back started hurting. Jordan didn't eat with us. He'd eaten earlier I guess, because he got to go to "Haunted Trails" at Balboa Park with Alicia tonight. I don't know when they'll be back but sometime tonight. Jason texted me and told me that Alicia was resting in Jordan's arms. :-D How sweet!

Anyway, after dinner, I got back on the computer. I also called Nicole and we got to talk for awhile. I told her about Mark and how I am just so excited about the Gastric Bypass. My life is so going to change and it's dawning on me how much I'll actually be living life. I won't be waiting in the wings anymore! Jason even said when I lose weight he'll get my Sea World pass back because then I could really go and enjoy it! It's awesome! I know it's going to take time to lose the weight, but I hear it comes off pretty fast. I can hardly wait. I want to get through all these consultations and get the surgery over. I am scared about the surgery, but I guess it's well worth it!

Well, Mark finally gave me another email addy to use for him and sure enough it worked because for some reason his email doesn't like my email addy. Go figure. He's going to reply to it tomorrow morning. Basically it was just telling him about my bipolar and that I have two kids and all that fun stuff. Stuff I'm sure we'll talk about. Other than that, I have been working on my James Bond Fan Fiction. I'm on page 5, but I have a long way to go. I might write a little bit more tonight, but I am definitely getting tired. Of course, I have to be awake to let Jordan in when he finally gets home. I know he's having a great time! :-)

So other than write on my fan fiction I've been chilling out to "Mythbusters" and then I'll probably watch "Penn and Teller's Tell a Lie" then watch "Ghost Hunters" and maybe "Fact or Faked" if I stay up that late. Personally, I wouldn't mind going to sleep now if I could actually fall asleep. But that's highly unlikely.

I can say today has been another great day! We'll see how tomorrow goes!

Authorization!!

I didn't sleep well last night again, but that's just my usual. I woke up in time to get Cassie from school. I grabbed coffee after I got dressed and headed out. I called Dr. Tanaka's office again and they still hadn't received the fax for authorization. I called the other number and one woman thought she saw something, but the other didn't, so I was calling Vantage to see what the deal was when they called me and told me they had gotten  it!!! I have the Authorization for the consults!! First I go to a seminar - which Susan is taking me to next Tuesday. Then I have labs. After that I get a consult from a doctor, then a psychiatrist and lastly a surgeon. The only other step after that is getting authorization for the surgery. It seems like it could happen pretty fast! And everyone says the pounds come off. Those that have had it have told me they would do it again! That is awesome. I was so relieved that the fax had actually gone through! I am excited! I immediately called Jason and told him and he told Susan who was happy for me too.

After I picked Cassie up Jason wanted me to take Cassie over there. Of course, I had to take a shower first. I was definitely in need of one. Then I thought of my mother and realized she would be pissed with me if I went over to them because she had just given me fuel money. On top of that Jason was in a mood because he thought I was ignoring him. I called him twice but he didn't answer so I called Susan! I explained to her about stuff and told her to tell Jason and if he wanted to hang out he was going to have to come over here. That seemed to work. So when Susan arrived to pick up Cassie to get her costume at Hot Topic Jason came in and we hung out. He told me that not much seems to get me excited and he's right. He said maybe the kids or my writing makes me excited. But that it's nice to see that I'm excited about the surgery. I mean, I am scared, but oh so excited too. It occured to me tonight that I'll be able to go horseback riding again! I thought about that as I watched "Dirty Jobs" and they were taking care of thoroughbred horses. I can also go ice skating again which Cassie wants to do with me. I can just see life coming back to me. I won't have to write from distant memories! I can experience life again! It's going to be great and I know that it's going to improve my writing. I just think it's a trip that this is all coming together. I had one psychic tell me that I might have to take care of my looks before I would be successful. And here I am, waiting to hear from the publisher I want AND I'm on the road to get the bariatric surgery! It's crazy, but great!

Anyway, Cassie got her costume! She's going to be a fox! And she got it for only $4! I want to be a cat. Jason said they could get me cat ears, but I don't know. Guess we'll see.

Then I also worked on my James Bond fan fiction story. It's going a little slower than I'd like, but it's going. I would have written more, but Cassie came home and I spent tons of time with her. She was talking to me about school and her new boyfriend and all that fun stuff. She started her laundry. Then Jordan woke up and joined us. That was so fun and funny! They joked around like crazy. I did get to share a neat story that I forgot to record in my journal - the other night a bird was flying around the porch not being able to get out and no place to land. Anyway, I walked onto the porch and held my hand out. The bird actually landed on my hand for a few seconds before finally making it out - all because it was able to land on my hand.

But Jordan and Cassie were having so much fun going back and forth and we all had a chance to play mercy - well Cassie and I against Jordan who, of course, won. I haven't laughed or smiled so much in a LONG time! I love them so much!!

Anyway, I am tired. I'll take my meds and try to sleep. I've been a little jittery, but I think that's a little from the excitement that I've been feeling, but might be a little from the coffee. Tomorrow I have therapy and I'll write more on my fan fiction. Tonight I'll put on my "Rizzoli and Isles" DVD and hope to sleep relatively early. At least that's the hope.

So between the authorization and the kids I'd say I've had a pretty darn good day!

Possibilities

Today has been quite a day! A lot has happened. I didn't sleep well last night but I still got up at 9:00am and got dressed, got a raisin-cream cheese sandwich and made my coffee before Susan got there to take me down to my doctor's appointment. Everything seemed to be going well! My anxiety was high, but I was ready! Then I met the doctor and found out that he doesn't do bariatric surgery!! Needless to say I called the doctor's office and talked to Jackie in referrals. But when I got home I called Medi-Cal who referred me to Healthcare Options who told me to call HealthNet. I did and talking to a really nice guy that I didn't get his name and I kick myself for that. He basically called Vantage (a group in Healthnet) and got them to approve me to go see a Dr. Tanaka. Of course, when I went to call to make an appointment and the fax wasn't there! Ugh! But the woman said it might not have come through the server yet. So I call tomorrow and if not then I get to call Vantage myself and see what the problem is. They better not give me a freakin' run around. I really want to move forward on this. So we'll see what happens tomorrow.

After I made those calls I took my mom to Walmart. We did some shopping. My mom got Tim and Taylor bday presents. Taylor's bday was back in September but Tim's I guess was today. Once we were done with the shopping we went to the McDonald's where in line I met a guy! He's short but he seems really nice!! We started talking and hit it off. We commiserated about our Exs'! LOL! I ordered a soda for me and two McDoubles - one for me one for my mom. But he came over and sat with us. We kept talking and I was finally bold enough to give him my number then he gave me his and we also exchanged emails. I wrote him. He wrote me. I wrote him back! His name is Mark! My mom after was like "I wouldn't just start talking to someone." Okay, how do you meet people if you don't talk to anyone?? Anyway, there are possibilities for the future! Possibilities I didn't really think would happen! It's awesome!!

I also played on Cafemom. I wrote four poems today! One of the moms in "FANtastic Writers" really liked them. Especially the one I wrote about Cassie's break-up called "Little Heartbreak." I also put up a new words list in "The Writer's Workshop." I also decided to start another Fan Fiction. I haven't written one in awhile and I always  said I was going to write a follow up to my James Bond story so now I am. It's called "Christmas Joy" and we'll see where it goes! Not sure what the main part of the story is going to be except some exceptional sex scenes. LOL! Got to have those in there! But I want it to be a Christmas story. Not sure what to do. Then again . . . I think I do know what to do!! A pregnancy for New Year's! Maybe! Or Christmas! This is awesome. Hope I remember this for later! LOL! Now I have the extra element I needed.

Anyway, I'm going to chill out watching "Pawn Stars." There's going to be a Halloween episode! It ought to ROCK! It's on at 10:30pm. After that I might have Jordan come with me to the pharmacy because I have heartburn and the one thing the doctor did give me was a prescription for an acid reducer! LOL! He was a nice doctor!! :-D

Well, I think that's about it. It has been a very interesting day! A good day! A day filled with possibilities!!

Bittersweet Day

Well, I slept pretty good once I got to sleep, but getting to sleep was again a problem. In fact, I think I ended up taking three ativan last night instead of just two. I need to stop taking them every day, but I think psychologically I'm addicted - that I can't sleep without them. I mean, that's not always the case, but more times than not. I have to say I am glad to be home and on MY computer. It was so difficult to type on their keyboard and then something funny happened that I just didn't think I was up to writing about last night. When I first got on their computer, I actually looked at the keyboard trying to find a scrolling pad! For a moment, I forgot that regular desk top computers have mouses. LOL! I would say mice, but it sounds weird to me when dealing with electronics like that.

Anyway, I got a good laugh at myself with that one. I told Jordan about it and he laughed too! It's a funny memory. Maybe I'll share it with Jason and Susan. :-)

Well, Cassie asked for the EBT card so her and Katie Kelly could go the market at the corner and get eggs. I was finally asleep so I let her take it and told her to keep it as cheap as possible. $2 wasn't bad. They had eggs, but I was so tired that I just kept sleeping. I remember Cassie waking me at one point telling me I was snoring. I must have been snoring LOUD! I didn't get up until about 1:00pm. I could have slept longer.

Cassie worked on her 13 paragraph and finished it. She then started reading this book Katie Kelly gave her to read called "The Heretic Queen." The title is good and the front of the book looks intriguing. Maybe I'll read it at some point! The girls spent a lot of time reading. I just chilled out on the bed. I tried to do some writing, but I didn't get farther than a handful of lines. I just haven't been able to concentrate. It doesn't help that I'm exhausted still. That bed was really comfy. But my body doesn't allow me to get any really good sleep anymore I don't think. Maybe if I lost weight it would be different. Guess we'll find out since tomorrow is my appointment with the gastroenterologist. I know I got the word right, though I'm not sure I spelled it right! LOL! He's probably going to want to start me on a diet, but I don't want to start anything until the holidays are over. I hope he respects that. I'm REALLY nervous about this appointment. I don't remember the last time I was this afraid of going to a doctor's appointment. Like NEVER! I'm not usually afraid of doctors. Maybe it's because this was a step I have wanted to take yet scared to take. I'll pull it together in the morning, even though I know I'm going to have a panic attack the whole time. LOL!

When Katie Kelly left Cassie seemed to get a little depressed. She said she was not feeling good. I asked her if it was mental or physical or both and she said both. Broke my heart. She didn't know why she was feeling that way, she just was. I hugged her and then she went to take a bath. After her bath she seemed to feel better. That made me happy. Then I was going to leave, but Cassie wanted me to stay while she cooked dinner. I didn't want to eat. After the lunch she gave me that had Miracle Whip on it, I lost my appetite. It was way too sweet! I like sweet but not in mayo! I barely like mayo as it is! So I didn't want dinner. I wasn't hungry either. But she made herself Tuna Mac N Cheese. It smelled pretty good, but I just wasn't hungry. Then I was going to leave after dinner, but stayed until she got done with the dishes. Finally I decided I'd better go because Jason and Susan were on their way back from Disneyland and I didn't want to be there when they got back. Partly because of the fact I was parked in their spot, but I think it's because of the previous "Bad" instances of them coming back when I've been there. I guess I just don't want to be around when they come back after being gone for any amount of days. But I hugged and kissed Cassie several times and she helped me get outside with my bags. I found my crochet hook!! In the car, of course.

On the way home, I decide I should eat something and I wanted a Diet Dr. Pepper so I went to McDonald's. I got my drink, a McDouble and a $1 parfait. It was all good! I ate the parfait once I got home.

Being back home was nice. Jordan helped me get my stuff into the house. It was good to hug him. I have missed him even just for a day! Then Karissa was happy to see me, but I'm a little irritated that no one played with her or let her outside the whole time I was gone! My poor little kitty. :-( But she seems very happy to have me home. She's sleeping right next to me at the moment.

Anyway, I am chilling out. I have been chilling out watching TV. I have watched a Ghost Stories "Food Network Challenge," the finale of "Halloween Wars" where the Bling Bats won! Now I'm watching "Iron Chef America" Challenge Halloween Candy! It looks great so far. But I think once it's over I'm going to go to sleep or at least try. I also need to remember to tell Jordan to call Cy. He needs to get his rear in gear and that's the first step.

Tomorrow will be a good day. I just know it.

House Sitting

Well, I was so tired that I didn't want to wake up. I did, however, then packed to go over to Jason and Susan's for the night. I packed an outfit for tomorrow. I packed PJs, my medication - except advil like an idiot. I also brought my crocheting, but somehow I have lost the hook! Ugh!! Then I wanted to do some writing today, but instead I just chilled out to the TV. I watched a lot of "Chopped" tonight. I also watched a repeat of "Halloween Wars" and even an Urban Legends "Food Network Challenge." I watched a few other things, but I can't seem to remember. Must have been that interesting! LOL! Before I had settled down to that though, I took Cassie to Katie Kelly's. I picked her and Katie Kelly up then went to Albertson's for something to drink and something sweet to eat. I also bought a Woman's World magazine. I do love those things.

Anyway, I have just been tired and exhausted all day. Not to mention dizzy. It has really thrown me off today. I just kind of feel like crap. I might try to get some writing done, but I have definitely fallen short of my goals this week for it.

There's really nothing more for me to say. I haven't done anything other than that. So I'm going to close this up and move my ass to the bedroom. Maybe I'll sleep well here for a change. They have a memory foam bed topper. I can't wait to lay on it.

Just A Good Time Today!

Well, I finally got my ass up relatively early. I got Cassie to school, came back and slept until 10:30am. I finally got up, got dressed, took my meds and left to go up to welfare. I stopped at McDonald's to get a soda.

It didn't take me that long to go there. Took me less time to turn in the paperwork! So I was on my way home very quickly. Then my mom had told me she'd wanted to get her toe nails done so I called her from the car to see if she was ready. Of course she wasn't so I went inside and I was just getting on the computer when she decided she was ready to go. LOL! She also gave me $20 to get a dozen bagels, cream cheese and two bananas. So I dropped her off at the nail place which is in the same place as the bagel place. I went to get bagels and my mother and I both wanted onion and garlic bagels. They didn't have any though, so they offered to make some if I'd come back in twenty minutes. I figured sure! Why not! I ended up making an appointment for Cassie to get a flu shot for next Saturday. I then called Grandma Linda. It was good to talk to her. I was telling her about the query letters and the publisher that I'm hoping to get in with. We didn't talk for too long, but she wanted to read the other books I have written. By the time we hung up it was time to get the bagels. I then went to Albertson's which is also in the same place and got more cream cheese and the two bananas. I also got water. I needed it! Then just as I was in the check out line my mom called and said she was done! It was perfect timing!

When we got back home I ate two bagels - pumpkin and onion. Yum!! Then I got back on the computer. I worked on stuff on Cafemom today - especially the Writer's Workshop then I posted stuff on a few other groups. I was inspired today for that. Then I got onto chat and talked and wrote with Patty B. It was pretty good fun! We came up with a very interesting story about Elves and evil. I think it's good! So I'm going to try to write with Patty tomorrow.

Jordan finally came bugging me for dinner. :-) I suppose I should have been hungry too, but I was pre-occupied with writing. My mom put in two frozen dinners for us. While we were waiting we ate a bagel each. Then I found out that my mom set the over on Warm instead of what it should have been on. So Jordan and I had to wait a little longer before we could eat. But it was good. I had my turkey and trimmings and he had salisbury steak. We ate watching "Monk."

Anyway, I still have two pages to write for "Crossfire" though I am not sure I'm going to do a whole two pages. I've got to get something down though. I need to work on it every day. Oh, and I sent Grandma Linda a copy of "Desert Savior" and "Fallen Angel." I warned her that they were just drafts. But I need to work on "Crossfire." I'm just so tired. Of course, "Sanctuary" is going to be on in twenty minutes. Maybe I'll just watch that then crash. I can try to write four pages tomorrow. Well, we'll see.

A Little Bit Of Everything

Today I was supposed to get up relatively early and go up to Welfare.  Of course, instead I slept and slept and slept. I just didn't want to get up. That's increasingly the problem. But tomorrow I'll have to go whether I want to or not. I need to make sure I get that QR7 in. I did get up and put on TV. There was a "Burn Notice" marathon. Had one of my favorite episodes - "Bad Day." I think that's the title anyway. I didn't get to watch the last part because I left to go pick up Cassie from school.

Waiting for Cassie I was a little concerned that Susan was there to pick her up. But she wasn't. I spent the time writing on "Crossfire" and got two more pages done or most of two more pages - like a sentence away from a full two pages. I know where I'm going, but I'm debating if I should leave this one part out where she tries to save Leila with Johara. I haven't decided if it really fits with the story. I guess it does. I'll just have to see what I come up with tomorrow.

I was also worried about Cassie. She's not her bubbly self with this heartbreak with her boyfriend. Plus she lost her friend Nikki. That makes me sad for her and ache for her. It sucks. Then tonight she was just tired and looked so depressed. She went to sleep though so that's good.

Anyway, after I picked her up from school we went to Albertson's. I needed to get a money order for my car insurance. She asked about going next door to Rite Aid to get ice cream. I said sure. It cost me $5, but her and I each got two scoops. Cassie got two scoops of cotton candy flavor and I got one of medievel madness which wasn't as good as I remembered and one of circus animal cookies ice cream. It was delicious! I want more of that! I think next month I'm going to see if they have it in a half gallon and buy it!

After we got home, I know Cassie got bored. There wasn't anything to do. She couldn't do homework with me. She didn't want to watch TV which wouldn't have been such a great thing anyway. We tried the radio, but I think Cassie just couldn't concentrate on anything anyway. In some respects I was happy when Jason and Susan arrived to pick her up. That way she could do something. I just felt like I couldn't help her. It's a sucky feeling. I was so tired too! I just hung out watching "Burn Notice" until it was time for dinner. My mom made killer pork chops with steak fries that were so good they just melted in my mouth. The veggies though sucked. I don't know what she'd done with them, but even she said throw them out, so she must have known they tasted bad. I ate mine anyway, but that was only because I felt I needed veggies.

Being as tired as I was, I kind of laid down for a bit. Then Cassie came home so I spent time with her. She looked so exhausted and depressed. I was relieved when she was able to sleep. I think that will help her a little bit. After all, it's not like she's going to sleep all day or anything. She'll be up in the morning for school. When I got back to my room I watched some of "Chopped" and got my laptop back from Jordan. I checked my email and stuff, but I also went to USA's website and FINALLY got to watch the mid-season finale of "Burn Notice!" It was good! Creepy! This next season is going to be very good. Now I'm watching "Sweet Genius." I really do like this show though I don't think there are many more episodes to go. I hope they make more of them. And Karissa has been so tired today too. She's been sleeping with me and next to me today. She's such a sweetie!

Anyway, I'm hungry again. I think I'm going to try to get some peanut butter. Then I'm going to finish watching "Sweet Genuis," take my medication, set the alarm for the morning . . .

Meeting Goals?

Well, I didn't get up when I meant to. I was just so tired that I took Cassie to school came back and went back to sleep. I also finally woke up finding out I started my period!! Oh lucky me! As soon as I was sitting up I began feeling the cramps bad. I got Ibuprofen quick! But then I was so tired still that I napped on and off until my mom made me a couple of tuna sandwiches for dinner. But this all means that I have to go up to Welfare tomorrow AND pay my car insurance tomorrow. I can't put it off any longer. It's just I feel so tired and drained. That's what happens when Aunt Flo comes to visit. :-(

Then my poor baby is all upset over something that happened with her boyfriend. I guess he cheated or she thought he'd cheated and she told their friends and so they all sided with her and now she feels horrible. I don't know if he cheated on her or not, but now she wants to fix things. That's all I know. I feel bad for her. I think the worst part of being her mother is just the fact that when she's hurt, I hurt. I wish I could take her hurt away. But I guess it's all part of the learning process as one gets older. And this was the boy she was thinking about having sex with. I told her to wait and I think that proved to be a good thing. I just wish I could fix things for her and make it all better. But I can't. I have to just watch and pick up pieces if it comes to that. But my heart aches for her.

Anyway, I was able to get my writing done today - my two page commitment. I wrote 2.25 pages. I'm not sure I'm going to keep the scene I started, but I might. It just depends on where I decide to go with it. The Royal family announces the engagement of their crowned prince Kamal to Rachel Bennet. It wasn't so easy to write tonight, but it's because I'm freakin tired and that affects my ability to concentrate. I hate my period. I just hope I feel better tomorrow and get done what I need to get done.

Well, Cassie should be home anytime now. I have been biding my time until the new "Ghost Hunters" so I have watched reruns of it and of "Faked or Faked." I'm trying to decide if I want to watch the new one at 10:00pm or "Brad Meltzer's Decoded." Or I might just go to sleep! I'm tired enough to!

Guess that's it. Writing Goal - Done! Everything else is what it is.

On The Road Again!

You know, even after only getting three hours of sleep I still didn't fall asleep until like 3:00am! Crazy, huh? Needless to say, I slept until 1:00pm. Even now I feel exhausted. But I did get my ass up and dressed and I drove the car (though I was afraid to) to Claudio's. I thought for sure it was going to be tons of money, but it turns out that's not going to happen! At least not yet! I have a hole in the manifold. But it's a slow leak so Claudio thinks that if I just keep putting coolant or water into her she should be fine. I should be able to do that. I mean, I did the same thing when I had a small crack in one of the heads when I had the Taurus Wagon. Dang I still miss that car! That was my good car. She put up with a lot. Well, he/she. I always said I had twins inhabiting the car! :-D I was just happy that it wasn't worse. Claudio put three gallons of coolant into my Nelly along with at least a quart of oil, I guess. Then he was able to unstick my directional lights! Thank god! My mom was willing to pay for all of that, but she wouldn't get me windshield wipers. But I realized that I really, really needed them so Claudio put them on and I'm paying for them myself. Because Jason and Susan still owe me $20 from our Food for Cash I've asked them to take it to him. That way half of it will be paid off and I'll only have to worry about $20 more in November. I already have to be careful with my money - and it's the kids' birthday month. I think I have bday gifts in mind all ready. Well, Jordan's is Skyrim the Video Game. For Cassie I'm going to get her a book she wants. I can't remember the name of it at the moment, but she wants it so I'll get it for her. Then for Christmas I think I'm going to try to come up with a no cost present system for us. I mean, we can draw, write, make something - just do something that doesn't cost money because we just don't have any. Though I could get Cassie another book. But I can't get Jordan another game. Maybe I'll figure out something.


Anyway, my mom wasn't thrilled with paying anything for the car, but she knew that we needed it. In fact, as soon as it was fixed she needed me to take her to the bank. Then we went to Henry's which apparently is called Sprouts now. Then we went to Walmart and the 99 Cent Store. OMG! My back hurt so bad why the time we got home. It was nice though. I got soda and sweet tea today. Susan, Jason and Cassie brought me a Diet Dr. Pepper while I was waiting for Claudio to finish up. Then after we went shopping at Walmart we went to the McDonald's inside. She let me get a sweet tea. She wanted a soda so I got her the Extra Large for $1. Then she also got me two McDoubles. She ate half of one. I ate the rest and that has been fine for me. And before we left, I dumped out her Diet Coke and replaced it with Diet Dr. Pepper so I got a whole other soda!


Jordan was feeling like crap, but he brought everything inside. I then gave him some cold medicine and apparently it made him feel better because George and Nick came over and he went out with them. Guess he can't feel that bad.


Last night I also made a Week's writing commitment in one of my writing groups on Cafemom. I made it a commitment to write two pages every day. Today I wrote 2.5 pages! I think I'm off to a good start. I just finished a love scene and a marriage proposal. There might be another love scene before I move onto the next plot point. It's just nice to be moving on it again. Not only did it flow pretty well, but I was able to write at home too! While I was tired even. So that's going well. We'll see what tomorrow will bring! But I think I'll be able to stick with it. It's important I do anyway. I need to write everyday.


Well, I had an interesting talk with Cassie. Her teenage hormones are going crazy with her boyfriend. I'm kind of in a tough position. I don't want to condone having sex at her age, but I also don't want her to do it and then not be protected or emotionally ready. I told her to at least wait for their relationship to grow by a couple of months. At least that's something. But her emotions are all over the place too. Not so much about people, but just in general. I know it could just be the fact that she's a teenager, but she had a lot of valleys yesterday. She felt like crying then she's be okay. Then she'd feel like crying again. I don't know. I just want her to be okay.


Oh, she's all excited that I'm going out for a gastric bypass. She wants me to be thin so I can do things with her. Then I ran into someone today that has lost 200 lbs after getting the procedure. I got the appointment for Monday at 10:30am. I'm really nervous, though I'm more nervous about the fact that its in Chula Vista. That totally freaks me out. I don't like going outside my comfort zone. LOL! Susan will go with me. Or maybe even drive me. I hope so. I am so freaked out. I do wonder how long it will take for me to get the procedure done. I just know I want to do it now. It's just time.


Anyway, I have to go to Welfare tomorrow to turn in my QR7. I'm going to try to go in the morning and just get it done. I just don't want to get stuck in traffic and I don't want it to take too long. Poor Cassie is going to be so tired tomorrow. Tonight she just couldn't sleep to relax and go to sleep. I think part of that was because Susan's daughter Samantha was a total bitch to her. Sammy really has turned into a bitchy bitch just like her grandma. It's sad but oh well. I just couldn't believe what a bitch she was. I felt kicked in the gut when I read what she wrote to Cassie about not being her friend and NEVER having been her friend. What a fucking little bitch! I know I shouldn't say that about a girl my daughter's age, but she is and she's just like her grandmother who is just the same fricken way. But it upset Cassie a lot and I think even though she was able to think of some things to make her smile and laugh, I think she was still really upset. I know how I would have been.


Okay, that's enough. I need to get to sleep. I am exhausted. I need to set my alarm too. I need to make sure I get Cassie up and ready for school if she's not awake. Tonight I half watched "Auction Kings." I do like that show. Then I put on another show, but didn't watch it. I just need to take my meds, relax and sleep. I just have to be thankful that I have a car that runs, great friends that are more family than anything else and that my kids trust me so much to talk to me about very personal things. I am blessed with a lot and I just need to always remember and be thankful for it.


Time for bed.

Finally I'm BACK!!!

A week of not being able to be online was torture! LOL! Okay, that might be a little over-dramatic, but still. I needed to be able to make my journal entries but oh well. I just have to accept that the time has passed and that is that! I guess not a whole lot has gone on anyway. Though last night Jordan passed out in the hallway!! I have no idea what happened. He didn't know what happened. I think he might be getting sick. But still . . . when I first got to him I asked him what happened and he didn't know! He knew nothing. It was kind of scary. He seemed to get a little better after I got him a banana and made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I thought maybe it was low blood sugar, but I don't think he's diabetic so I don't get it. I'm just going to treat it like an anomaly. If it happens again he's going to get checked out. I asked him what happened and he said his vision got blurry and that was it. He seems to be okay today, though I've heard him cough a little and he said his throat hurts when he swallows. I think he's sick. He didn't have a fever though, but I'll keep an eye on him.

The other really big thing is that my car is caputz at the moment. I don't know what happened. My check engine light came on. The car said it was overheating when it wasn't and then my turn signals and hazard lights stopped working! I was supposed to go to Walmart and Henry's, but obviously that didn't happen. Tomorrow I'm taking my car in to Claudio and see just how bad things are. I'm hoping it won't be that bad, but with the way my luck goes sometimes . . . but I'll try to keep good thoughts.

It really did suck to have the AC adaptor cord go out on me. Then when I went to go see how much they were at Best Buy it turned out they were $65 and they were $70 at Walmart! So finally I called the place I got the laptop to begin with and they sold me one for $25!! Susan helped me pick it up today. She also picked up Cassie and took Jordan to Vons to fill his Compass Card.

Anyway, I got about 3 hours of sleep last night or rather this morning. I was so worried about my car, Jordan, the computer . . . I am pretty tired and I hope I sleep well tonight though I still have worries, but maybe it won't be so bad. I need to do some writing on "Crossfire" but I don't think I'm going to do that until tomorrow. I have spent a lot of time actually trying to write this up. I guess that's proof of how tired I am. That and the fact that I was watching "Terra Nova" and "House." Now I think I'm going to finish watching "Hawaii 5-0" and hope I sleep afterwards. One can hope! LOL!



Tired Today Again

Today I slept a lot. My nose finally cleared enough for me to get some decent sleep. But then I didn't want to get up. I slept until about 4:00pm. I don't feel great either, but I'm not sure I'm sick or what. I have a general not feeling well at all. I think I'm still sick, but it's not as bad as it could be I guess. But people can definitely tell I don't feel good. Susan and Jason can hear it in my voice and my mother can just tell with the way I walk and look.

What was nice was my mother made me dinner. She actually had brunch for me too, but I didn't get up. She made me eggs and bacon. Then she also had smoothies for me in the fridge. And then she also baked a couple of fish fillets for me. I didn't even use katchup and it was pretty good like it. Though I think it might have tasted better. But it was warm and yummy! Then I came back to my room. I kind of just chilled out watching "Auction Kings" and I also watched an episode of "Dirty Jobs." I wonder when there will be new ones. I miss that show!! Then I watched the newer "Auction Kings" while I read a little of "Passion." It's a good book. I just have been reading it slowly. But I got through another 40 pages, I think. I'll probably read a little more in a bit. I haven't done much reading lately. I haven't even done much writing, but that's all about not being in the right mood. I mean, how do you write a love scene when you're tired and not feeling very well? I suppose I need to get passed that though so that "Crossfire" can go forward.

Anyway, I also have been watching "Chopped." I think the one I'm watching now I've seen before. But I did get Jordan to start my laundry and take my clothes out of my room so they can be washed. I want his help cleaning up my room though. I really need to get it cleaned up and try to get as many clothes hung up as possible. Because right now the chaos in my room is probably contributing to my not feeling well in some weird way. I just need some organization to my room.

Well, I guess that's it for my day. I'm tired. I don't know if I'll sleep soon. I have tomorrow to think about. I have to make sure I make it to therapy!! I can't forget therapy!! I can't believe it's going to be the 12th! Time flies! It really does. Then I have to see if my mom will give Jordan money for his bus pass so that he can go talk to Cy and see about putting him in school. I hope he goes, but I just don't know . . . First he has to get to Cy which means his bus pass. I just hope my mom is willing to do it. But Jordan also has to switch his sleeping around. This is getting old. I told him that too. We'll see if he tries to stay up tomorrow or not. I hope he does.

Sick Again - Did I Ever Get Well?

This sucks. I am sick again. Or maybe it's not again. Maybe I never quite got over it. I have been feeling tired and like crap for awhile. I figured I would be okay by now, but my nose won't stay unclogged. And because I can't breathe, I haven't been sleeping well. I just want some good sleep. Not interrupted by stuffy nose. Maybe I'll have to get some medicine that has medication that should work on my nose a bit too. But I have to get through tonight first.

I just feel so like crap. It's horrible. I woke up like that too. My mom was bitchy about Cassie not coming home, but I explained to her that I'm still sick. I guess maybe that might get through to her. Eventually Cassie will have to come back here for four nights a week, but for now she can stay where she's at. I mean, if I'm still sick then I could get her sick again and that's not something I want to do.

After I got up, I didn't really do anything and what was worse was that there was NOTHING good on TV. Then my mom asked if I felt up to going to the store. I didn't, but I did want to go. I can't tell you why. I just did. My mom wanted soup, fish fillets and bananas. I wanted a bottle of water and Arizona green tea. By the time I got home though, I was wasted. But my nose was so clogged I couldn't lay down if I wanted to. Eventually, I put a frozen dinner in the oven and watched some cake show. I can't remember the actual name of it, but I've seen it before.

I did get my nose to clear a little bit before dinner, but it clogged right back up. So I decided to let my nose stayed clogged for a few hours and see if that didn't help me clear it. I'm about ready to try out my theory. I did watch some good TV. I watched "Terra Nova" where a research outpost had an outbreak of a virus that made people's memories fade. Then I watched "House." He's out of jail, has one assistant now and at first wasn't friends with Wilson, but that changed. Wilson decked him first though! LOL! And last of all I watched "Hawaii 5-0" which was about a diver that was murdered. It was pretty interesting how that turned out to be a car and not a ship that they found.

Anyway, I am just so damn tired! Ugh! I want to sleep and I want to eat something else. LOL! I'm hungry and tired. I just hope I can sleep well tonight. I guess that's it. I feel like crap. I hope I feel better soon.

Jason's Birthday Dinner and Other Things

Today was pretty good though I have to say I've kind of felt a little off. But I think it's just being tired and then being out in the heat today. I woke up around 12:30pm, checked on my mom. Watched an episode of "Chopped" and then took a shower. Of course, Susan also brought my Food Card back. She owes me $80 now. I'll probably need it. She told me to come over around 5:30pm because Jason was just watching football. Which, big deal! LOL! Anyway, my mom wanted me to get some frozen dinners so I headed to the Walmart in Santee. Not only did I get some other flavors for frozen dinners, but I found my kettle corn, a pumpkin roll and even my cherry cheese danishes!!! I was happy about that. I also got Jason a bday card, some Halloween trick or treat tape to hang on the garage. I also got tea light candles for pumpkins. Then on the way home, I get a text and a call from Jason telling me I could come over at any time. :-) So I go home, drop off the milk and frozen dinners keep my stuff in the car. Then I headed over to Jason and Susan's. Jason was watching the Chargers vs Broncos game. Chargers won but just barely! Then he put on another game. Cassie came back from her friend's house and I went into her room with her and stayed while she played on her guitar. She was working on playing "The Star Spangled Banner" our National Anthem. She got the hang of it pretty quick! I was very impressed. My back didn't like sitting on her floor so eventually I did get up and return to my chair in the family room. I tried to do a little writing, but I didn't get far. I'm just not in the right mood to write a love scene! Ugh! I don't know how to get in the mood for that anymore. That's going to be an issue if I can't get into the mood to write this scene and it's probably going to be more than one. Well, maybe I should invest in some wine. That might help! LOL! It could work!

Anyway, Jason BBQ'd Teriyaki steak and it was delicious!! Served with broccoli and a potatoe! Yum! When I first got there I got some shrimp too! It was so good! Then for dessert we had Red Velvet cake with vanilla bean ice cream! I sprung for the ice cream since Susan hadn't picked it up earlier and you can't have birthday cake without ice cream! LOL! It was all nice. It was great spending time with all of them. I had a good night. Then I came home in time to watch "Halloween Wars" which was great though they eliminated a team I liked, but you know, someone has to go. But I also ate a lot of my kettle corn. Guess you could say I was really craving it. And I have actually craved it lately. But now I'm feeling weird. Of course, it doesn't help that my nose is all clogged up. Ugh! I just hope the nose spray will unclog it.

I'm feeling kind of tired so hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight. I just finished watching "Around the World in 80 Ways" and now I'm going to chill out to "Brad Meltzer's Decoded." Tomorrow I hope that I will be able to get some good writing done. I also need to make sure that I have my QR7 in tomorrow. I keep putting it off and it's stupid. I need to get it in to have my money next month! I don't know what's wrong with me sometimes.

Anyway, though I feel off at the moment I'm sure I'll feel different in a little while or by tomorrow at the latest I hope.

Just a Simple Day

Dare I say that I'm feeling optimistic today? After sleeping all day yesterday and on and off last night I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. When I first got up I didn't feel great. But soon I was dressed and heading out to go shopping. My mom wanted me to pick up some stuff from Walmart and Vons. I told her I could go to both places. And it all worked well. On the way to Walmart I got a soda from McDonald's which worked because I was able to get a refill at Walmart. But I basically got everything on my mom's list there - strawberries, frozen dinners, raisin bread, eggs, paper towels, bleach . . . I also got apple fritters for me and then a booklet for pumpkin carving. I hope we still have all the pumpkin carviing stuff. Then at Vons I got my mom's linguica and a book of stamps. I also got myself a bottle of green tea. 

By the time I got home I was more than ready to get Jordan to pull the bags inside. It wasn't that there was that much of it, but it was definitely too heavy for me. I did put the frozen dinners into the oven and then went to my room. I got to watch a little bit of "My Cat from Hell." It was an old one about Fifi and part of the one with Minibar. I didn't get to watch that one all the way through though. There's supposed to be a new season coming out of it and I'm looking forward to it! 

After dinner was ready we ate. My mom and I had turkey and stuffing. Jordan got fried chicken. I'm hungry again though! Ugh! But I have stuff I can snack on. Anyway, when I went out to eat I literally got dizzy when I hit the hallway. I really thought I might pass out! It was scary for a minute. Then my mom talked to me for awhile after dinner. But I eventually had to go back to my room. I laid down for awhile dealing with a heat rash under my breast. I also watched a few episodes of "Mythbusters" which was cool. Then when I saw my mom was in bed already, I got Jordan and we went to Albertson's. I got my mom some buttery spread made out of olive oil since she can't have dairy. Then I also got Jordan a bag of rollos. I got myself a couple of chocolate bars and peeps, but most importantly I got baby powder for my rash. I feel better already. Oh and I got a bottle of water which is what I really wanted anyway. Of course, when I got home my mom was up!! Ugh! I gave Jordan the spread to show her and headed to the bedroom with everything else. Not that I had tons for stuff. I then turned it back onto "Mythbusters," got the computer from Jordan, and then Cassie stopped by! She stopped to go to the bathroom and to pick up the Food card. Tomorrow will be nice when we go over to Jason and Susan's. 

Anyway, now I'm just finishing this up and watching "Penn and Teller Tell a Lie." It's a repeat from the one I saw Wednesday. I knew it was the tiger one that was the lie. I can read some animal body language and I KNEW the tiger wasn't attacking his keeper. She was a beautiful tiger too! Her name is Eden. 

Well, think I'm going to finish watching this, maybe eat a snack and take my meds. I also went through and read more on Black Velvet Seductions website and I feel more hopefully there too. I just hope to God they like my book AND that it doesn't need too much revision. I've got to stay hopeful. 

 

Much Better

Today I am much better. Jason woke me up this morning with the intent of reminding me of an appointment at Cassie's school which I was well aware of, but I guess reminders are always good. Plus he didn't know if Susan was going to go or not. Of course, I didn't mind her being there. But the sucky thing was that I wanted to go back to sleep but I couldn't. So I got up, got coffee, got the computer from Jordan and got online for awhile. But there wasn't much I wanted to do. I also put on the "Burn Notice" marathon and tried to do some writing on "Crossfire" but I just couldn't get into the right mood to do a love scene. I'll try tomorrow and see how that goes then.

The meeting turned out to be a supplimental IEP meeting. It was a good meeting! All of Cassie's teachers were there. The woman that's going to be her counselor was there. The school counselor was there. But the best thing ever is the fact that Cassie is getting all A's and B's! And the PE teacher is willing to work with her on the run. She's going to let her do one lap for the run and then do an extra walk on Thursdays with her friend Nikki. But I was so happy to be there with Cassie and just seeing her helped me a lot and the hugs, of course!

After the meeting we went to McDonald's to get drinks and a snack. I hadn't eaten anything and was pretty much starving at that point. What was funny was Susan ended up behind us! LOL! Anyway, we went home and hung out there for a bit. Cassie told me all about her friends and their goofy "cult." It's wild! All Hail, Allen! LOL! It's a screw that fell out of the sky. :-P Crazy. Anyway, Cassie told me she's still going to come stay with me a few days a week. I need that. I really do. That made me feel so much better. My mom wanted her to come here for the weekend, but Cassie won some Aztec Football tickets for getting such good grades. She's going to go with Jason and Susan. I don't want to go. I couldn't walk it and it's not my thing. Jason will appreciate it way more. Plus it's hat day so Cassie will get a cap! I think that's cool!

We didn't stay home long because Jason and Susan invited me over for dinner. Cassie wanted to check on Zippy her guinea pig - rather the one she's going to get on Tuesday - so we left and went all the way out to the Rancho San Diego Petco. We were lucky he was put in the back. We didn't really see him, but knowing he's there being put aside for her made her happy. But we were told in no uncertain terms that the person who said they would save Zippy for Cassie until this coming Tuesday was not supposed to do that. They can hold an animal for a day, but not a week. Still, so far so good. With luck Zippy will be there Tuesday for her. I don't have a good feeling though. I hope that's just me.

After that, we went to Jason and Susan's. Cassie went to do her homework and the three of us talked for awhile. Jason eventually put on Baseball. The spaghetti was delicious! Susan's sauce is always AWESOME! I could probably have eaten another plate of it. LOL! But then she and Cassie went and got ice cream for us. Well, Cassie got an apple pie. I got a caramel sundae! Yum! I have to say that I was exhausted after that and so were they. Even now, I am just exhausted. Maybe it's a good thing! :-) But anyway, I got more hugs from Cassie and even a kiss or two. She's still my little girl. And she even told me a secret before I left. Talk about making me feel special!! Her friend Skylar asked her out!! She had a crush on him and this other boy Matt, but Skylar asked her first! She was so excited! I think it's awesome! She has a teen experience I was wanted but never had. Truth be told, I would have been too afraid anyway, I think. But she has a boyfriend! Not that she hasn't had boyfriends, but this is special, I guess. :-) I'm just happy for her.

Anyway, I'm going to finish watching "Chopped" and I might watch "Sweet Genius" but I think I'm going to go to sleep relatively early. It's just nice to say it's been a pretty good day.

Trying to Convince Myself Things Are Okay

Well, the sudden depression is crippling. I hate it. It's taken away my ability to concentrate. I wanted to do some writing, but I just don't know if I have the energy or the thought processes to do it. I am just so hurt. Cassie just doesn't want to be with me. Regardless how she puts it, that's the case. I could live on my own and it would be the same. She wouldn't want to be with me. It's just how it is and I'm just going to have to deal with it. But knowing that she doesn't even want to spend the little bit of time with me that I had set aside hurts really, really bad. What did I do wrong? Did I give her too much freedom? Did I not love her enough? Maybe it's just that I can't buy her off. Jason and Susan can get her everything she wants just about and I can't. I cried for a hour or so last night. Tonight I guess I'm still crying. At least while I write this. My eyes are tearing up and I can't really seem to stop it. It might have hurt less had she shoved a knife into my heart. I just don't know if I can cope with this this time around. I'm not sure I can see her and then just watch her leave without crying. Maybe I just shouldn't see any of them for awhile. Not sure I can do that either. But I don't see any way I'm going to stop hurting. I'm just nothing in the world to her and I don't think I can get over that. I'm her mother. I should matter. I know she's a teenager, but I thought we were always close. I thought she'd want to be near me a little bit, but nope. Not at all. Okay, maybe I need to stop writing about this. I just keep crying more and I don't want anyone to see me crying. I don't want any one asking me questions, especially my mom.

Wow, I dried my eyes just in time. My mom walked in wanting paper. I told her Cassie wasn't coming home tonight. You know, she started this last night when she told her to ask me. It's HER that wants Cassie her. It's up to HER. If she had just said yes she needs to come back this wouldn't have even been an issue and if this blows up into crap for me, I might just take myself out of the picture - go into a hospital somewhere. I don't know. I just feel like so much crap is coming and I am not strong enough to deal with more shit. If my mom starts in on me I'll be the one in the fucking middle again and I just can't deal with that again. I can't.

Anyway, I might try to write a little bit anyway, but I'm not sure my mind will work the way it's supposed to. Then again, I guess the important thing is I've written. I just don't want to write crap. I also have to convince myself to do it. At least I got the tears cleared up for now.

Right now, I'm watching "Mythbusters" as it rains outside. There's a new "Mythbusters" tonight, but new "Ghost Hunters" too. Think I'll probably watch "Ghost Hunters." Wish I could take a handful of ativan and just go to sleep. But that's not going to happen. Things were going so well there for awhile. Now it's all back to being shit. Oh well. I won't force her to come back unless my mom threatens to kick me out again. I don't want her here if she doesn't want to be near me.

Okay, enough of the pity party for the time being. I'm either going to go to sleep, or try to write. Guess we'll see which one.



From Happy to Pain in 60 Seconds Or There Abouts

You know, I thought today was a good day. It felt like a pretty decent day for the most part. I woke up and got Cassie to school. I was exhausted though because I didn't sleep well last night so when I got home I went back to sleep - I didn't make Cassie's bed or anything. My mom got irritated though because I slept. But anyway, I woke up in time to get dressed and get Cassie. But my mom wanted me to go to the pharmacy and the store for her so I talk Jordan into going with me. He wanted to put his $20 down on his game for next month anyway and I told him we'd do that while we were out.

Well, we went and picked up Cassie. From there we went to the pharmacy and Vons. Jordan went into CVS while Cassie and I went into Vons to get what my mom wanted. I was able to get everything and have change. What was funny was Jordan came up behind us and scared the crap out of Cassie. Personally, I thought they were getting along okay. Guess not. Anyway, as soon as we get home, Susan was there to take Cassie. I said good bye and I didn't realize it was good-bye.

Going into the house my mom was upset about Cassie's clothes on the floor and the bed being unmade so I took care of that. Then I started prepping for hamburgers. My mom was going to cook them, but I prepped the pickles, onions, tomatoes and cheese. Dinner was good. Then I took Jordan and I to McDonald's. I got him a Rolo McFlurry and I got me a caramel sundae and Diet Dr. Pepper. It was good. When we got home, I was exhausted so I went to lay down for a bit. Then I get this message from Jason saying Cassie wants to stay with them. Well, I didn't want shit from my mom. But she said ask me and Cassie was so mean. She really hurt me. And she let me know she didn't want to be with me. She says she loves me, but if she did then why would she complain about the little time I had her here? It wasn't like she was spending tons of time here or anything. Anyway, first Jason was a fucking ass to me. Then I had to deal with Cassie. Then I was just crushed over this. She just doesn't want to be with me. It doesn't matter how she tries to say it's not that, but if she loved me and wanted to spend time with me she would take the time I had set up. She doesn't care. She doesn't. I should just accept that fact and move on. She doesn't want me to be her mother. She doesn't want me in her life except when SHE wants me. I feel discarded. Then Jason is like "We don't want you to feel like we're taking her from you." To be honest, I don't know how I feel about them where this is concerned. They could have tried to talk to her about being with me and I doubt they did. They just wanted her back and now they have her back and I'm left alone again. It just hurts. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to deal with it this time. I can't get past the pain. I hurt so bad I'm not sure I want to see them at all. But tomorrow I'm supposed to pick up Jason because Susan is taking Cassie to get her cavities fixed. I don't know. I just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I actually have thought about cutting. I mean, honestly who cares. Okay, that's not fair. Jordan cares. Maybe they care about it, but you know, I don't. I just hurt so bad, what am I supposed to do? I wish I could just disappear. Or numb out. Well, no, not numb out. That would take away the last thing that really matters to me. My Writing.

You know, I love Jordan so much too, but he's almost 20 years old. He's an adult. This is when he's supposed to go his own way. He doesn't and I love having him around, but Cassie was kind of like my best friend and she was definitely my baby girl. Maybe I am just a horrible parent and it serves me right to be going through this. I don't know anymore. I just hate it. These are the times I wish I were dead just so I wouldn't have to feel this and it feels like it's going to last forever.

I have to try not to think about it. I'm going to see about getting back to my writing tomorrow. I have to do something different. But if Jason thinks he's going to have someone that's great to be around tomorrow, I don't think it's going to happen. I need to start writing tomorrow. I need to do something with writing. Pour my heart and soul into that. At least that can't hurt me like this. I control the story. I control what happens. I can maybe loose myself in the story for awhile.

You know what really sucks? Yesterday I was so happy and excited and now I feel like I am in the depths of hell, crying my eyes out and in so much pain I can barely deal with it. Maybe I just need to take a handful of ativan and go to sleep. I am emotionally exhausted. I went from loving life to hating it in the matter of 24 hours or less. Great, huh? I hate things right now. I hate it! Hate it! Hate it. Part of me wishes I was were dead.

Here's To the Future

I'm so tired! I didn't sleep until after 3:00am. I had to wake up at 9:00am. Actually I snoozed for about 15 minutes after that. But I had to get up and get dressed for a doctor's appointment. I also made sure I didn't eat anything just in case they wanted to do blood tests or anything. But they didn't. I went in, didn't wait too terribly long before going back. Then I didn't wait too long to see the doctor. He was nice, but I can't remember his name. He gave me a presciption for the muscle relaxer which I have to fill yet. I got my flu shot and then I got a referral for the gastric bypass. I have 10 days to hear back on it. If not, then I'll call again. 

After that, I went and got Karissa her flea stuff. I also got a soda and a McChicken. Then I came home and immediately started filling out the envelopes for the literary agencies. I did 18 full envelopes - query letter, SASE. I got it all done before I had to go pick up Cassie though, so that when I  picked her up we could go to the post office and mail them out. I don't expect a lot of positive feedback from these. But I want to hear back from Black Velvet Seductions. I just know I have to go there. They have to accept me.

After we mailed off the query letters, we went home. Cassie and I talked a bit. Then Jason said he was picking her up for dinner. Then he wasn't. Then he asked me for money to take her out . . . He got MAD at me when I said no, but apologized. I think too that he is upset about his birthday this year. He feels old and that he hasn't accomplished anything in his life. I don't know. I was going to buy dinner since they weren't going to have the money, but he was saying no. I finally got him to say yes. Ugh . . . men . . . Jason anyway. My mom sent us to McDonald's for dinner. She paid me back. Thank god!

Cassie and I also have been playing on the computer for while. Watched a few episodes of "Warehouse 13." Then I needed to check stuff of my own - Cafemom, email accounts and so on . . . But now I'm writing my blog here. I'm kinda watching "Terra Nova" which is a pretty interesting show. Then I'm going to watch "House" and then at 10:00pm I'm going to watch something . . . my mind has gone blank. LOL! I'm just too tired. Who knows! Maybe I won't even make it that far! I really am TIRED! LOL!

Tomorrow I just get Cassie off to school and then I'm going to see about working on "Crossfire" for a bit. It's time I get to it again. And I just have this renewed sense of self. I kind of feel adult in a way as funny as it sounds. I guess because I have really been focused on doing what I can to go forward with my dreams. Even the psychics tell me it's going to happen. It's just going to take time! So I am going to hang on to that with all my might. I just have to remind myself that I may not hear anything positive for a couple of months. I hope not longer than three, but you never know! Until then I'm just going to keep working and writing. And trying to hang onto this feeling.

Well, think I'm going to take my meds and chill out. Here's to the future!

Starting On the Path to Getting Published

I am so excited! I got my money today so I went and picked up some of the stuff I needed like nose spray, toilet paper - catnip snackies for Karissa! But I also got envelopes and stamps! Yes, that means I am getting ready to send query letters out!! I have a bunch of letters just waiting for my signature and the envelopes! But what I'm really excited about is that I emailed a query letter, synopsis and the first 10 pages of my book to a literary agent. THEN I sent off a query letter WITH my manuscript to a publisher!! And I really, really, really want this publisher to like what I've written! Everything I read on their website fits perfectly for me! That's where I want to be! And I'm hoping beyond hope that they think I'm a fit too. Only time will tell though. But this is the first time I have ever sent out my manuscript EVER! Ever! Ever! Ever!! And I always used to say that if I could just get someone to read it I'd be set! I really hope that's the case! I think I have a great book! Not Times Best Seller, but I think it's a book that women will enjoy!

Anyway, I was going to get Karissa her flea medicine, but I forgot that it was Sunday. Ah well. Then my mom wanted me to pick up some cooked ribs from Vons. So I did that. That's where I got the stamps since Walmart doesn't sell them. It was a good dinner.

I was a bit aggravated earlier though. I put on my favorite new shirt, but my mom wanted me to do dishes and use a little bleach . . . yep! Bleach got onto my nice new shirt. So it's basically ruined but I know I'll still wear it. I just wish that wouldn't have happened. But oh well.

I've been trying to do what I can for my mom. I did the dishes, I put dishes away, got her water . . . I don't know. I know I don't do enough, but just that bit is enough to make me tired. It's a good thing I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Jason told me how proud he was of me again. It is always nice to hear because I really just want to keep moving forward.

Anyway, I think I'm going to take some ibuprofen for a headache I'm getting.  Probably from all the typing without my glasses on. Then I think I'll watch the rest of this "River Monsters" and then watch "Halloween Wars" on Food Network. If it weren't for it being a special I'd be watching "IRT Deadliest Roads."

Okay, think that's it for me. At least for today! :-)

Accomplishment and Laughs

I'm so happy! I have a final draft of my synopsis for "Assassin's Seduction!" Last night Susan looked over my synopsis three times and couldn't see anything she could do with it. She said it made her want to read the book!! That's always a good thing! So then I got a hold of Nicole today and asked her if she'd look it over. She said sure, gave me some ideas on how to streamline it just a little. She also found a couple of "tense" errors. Tenses are a pain in the ass when you're used to writing in past tense and suddenly have to write in present tense. But the best thing - the synopsis is down to TWO PAGES!! It kept going onto three pages, but with Nicole's suggestions it's down to two! That makes me feel better. I really didn't want it to be over two pages long, especially since it's a short book. I think it's good to go and that's awesome!

You know, the nice thing too is that everyone is so proud of me that I'm doing everything and moving forward. Nicole even said that I had more nerve than she did because I was going through all the process to start sending out query letters. It's nice to have that support! It helps propel me forward. I guess tomorrow if my money comes in I'm going to get stamps and envelopes and starts getting ready to send out the query letters. Maybe I'll get lucky with the first round this month! :-) I can hope!

Anyway, I didn't sleep last night. My nose was so clogged so I didn't fall asleep until about 7:00am. It sucked. I got woken up around 2:30-3:00pm. My mom was aggravated with me. Apparently the doctor called her and told her she has pneumonia. I didn't know that. Then Jordan came and told me he was going to go to the air show with Tim and Taylor. I got asked to make my mom's bed with Jordan so I did that. I also got Jordan to get me water.

After my mom wigged out on me, I told her about my not sleeping and how I needed more medication. She ended up giving me her credit card and gave me a list of stuff to get. I went to Walmart at Grossmont to find out that they have fresh fruits and veggies now!! I was shocked! But my mom had wanted bananas and strawberries and then took them off the list because I was going to Walmart. But I was able to get them! And avacados and tomatoes! It was very awesome! So that's just something else I can get at Wally world! Yay!

The bad thing about Walmart, I got nauseous when I was in line. I don't know what happened, but I almost threw up. I literally grabbed a bag off the bagging thing and had a dry heave. Nothing came out and it passed after that. But OMG! How horrible would it have been to have thrown up at the register. But I made it home okay. When I got home my mom had dinner ready. I got a French bread pizza and a really good tamale. Then I did dishes and then came back to my room. That's when I talked to Nicole and edited the final draft of my synopsis.

I am tired, but I have to say I'm having a great evening! I got to watch "Jeff Dunham Controlled Chaos" and it was awesome! Now I'm watching "Weird Al Apocolypse Tour Concert!" So far it's great! It really brings back memories. Weird Al has been in my life since I was 12 or 13 years old. :-D Love him! He's hysterical. So basically I have and am watching funny stuff tonight!

Anyway, I took some of my medicine. I can't find the cough drops so I'll have to look for them. I'm a little hungry so I might grab some food, but I know I will for sure take my meds and try to go to sleep. I just hope my nose stays relatively clear tonight.