The Last Good Day of May!

Today was yet another good day! I didn't do too much, but just the fact that I am happy and feeling good is a great thing! Especially for this time of year! So many times I get depressed around this time and so far so good. I'm going to try to keep a positive attitude and see where it takes me! 

I still slept late. I didn't really want to get up. I kept having interesting dreams. Not that I remember much about them, but they were interesting enough that I wanted to stay in them. Go figure. LOL! But my sleep was also interrupted a bit. Cassie called me. I was to make an appointment for another IEP for Cassie, but Mrs. Barick never got back to me. Guess I have to try to remember to call her tomorrow. 

When I finally got up I took my meds. I even took a shower which is a good thing. LOL! I even got some coffee! Then my mom told me that she needed to pick up some medication so I told her I was picking up Jason from the trolley near us and did she want to come. We could hit the pharmacy on the way home. Well, turned out that she just wanted to give a check. She also said she'd call and tell them to expect Jason. 

I was a little late picking Jason up, but he didn't mind and he liked going into the pharmacy for my mom. He ran into Dennis who remembered my dad and they talked about him for awhile - about how my dad was always telling him stories. 

Then Jason and I hung out for a bit. Talked and stuff. He didn't stay for too long though. It seemed like he didn't stay long at all, but it was still nice to hang out with him. 

After that, I had dinner - bbq pork and chicken with hashbrowns. Yummy! There was also a lemon meringue pie, but it wasn't ready yet so I went into the bedroom and started crocheting. I also called my friend Kimberly. It wasn't difficult to make that call at all which is awesome! I guess because I knew I could ask about her weekend. I think sometimes I fear that I'll go blank and not have anything to say. Anyway, after talking for awhile my mom said the pie was ready. I talked a little longer and then got pie. I was bad, I had two delicious pieces. Then I went back to crocheting. I did a total of three rows. It doesn't sound like much, but with as wide as this blanket is, that's a lot. It's relaxing though. I watched "Underworld: Evolution" while I crocheted. It was cool. Then I watched "Deadlist Catch" - Last week's and the new one this week. I also got the computer back from Jordan. From there I checked my Facebook, though I haven't played Happy Aquarium yet. I also checked my email and whatnot. I heard from my Aussie last's night too and that really brightened my night. Another reason I woke up in a good mood! ;-)

Anyway, I'm ending the evening by writing this, playing Happy Aqaurium and having watched "Deception."  It's a new show on Discovery Channel with this guy (Can't think of his name) who's a mentalist. It's pretty awesome. But I have always been interested in hypnosis. Not sure I can be hypnotized, though. It would be interesting to see if someone somewhere could do it to me. This guy was able to do so much with hypnosis. He even created a sleeper agent! It was unreal! :-P Wonder what that would be like. Pretty creepy if and when you learn the truth. 

But that's it for now. Another good day for the books!

    

Happy Memorial Day!!

Well, I could have gotten up at 9:30am, but instead I went back to sleep for a couple hours more. Then Jordan woke me up. Not a big problem at all. I was looking forward to today! It was also a productive afternoon. I had Jordan start laundry for me. I cleaned out Karissa's litter box. I picked up some trash. I almost got coffee, but I decided against it. I just wanted water instead. I also played on Facebook for awhile and I typed up the rest of Chapter 3 for "Crossfire" which I'm really hapopy about. Four more chapters and I'll be all caught up! Then I can continue from there.

By the time it was almost 4:00pm, Jordan and I headed over to Jason and Susan's. When we got there Cassie was on the computer while Jason was cleaning things up. Jordan moved my chair so I could sit down comfortably and we all sat down and talked and listened to music. Jason got a little grumpy and I got a little worried, but he nodded off on the couch for a bit and I think it was just enough because he was actually pretty good the rest of the time. For awhile Cassie wouldn't let Jordan get on the computer because last time she was over he wouldn't let her get on the computer, but eventually she let him have it. 

When Susan got back they started the grill. She cut up watermelon which was soooooo good! I ate a lot of it. It was good to just hang out with them. I hadn't been over for dinner in awhile and I got a chance to see my Cassie. She is so beautiful. 

Once the chicken was done I could hardly wait to eat! We had Jason's BBQ, baked beans and corn on the cob. Susan also made some mac 'n cheese because she doesn't like beans. We also got soda. She poured it into water bottled which was a great idea. But you had to be careful opening them. The CO2 builds up and pops the cap off with a burst when you go to open it. That happed to Cassie and it hit her on her chin. :-P When I came home, I went to open it and the cap literally took off and hit the wall! LOL! But dinner was so good I went back for seconds - another piece of chicken, some mac 'n cheese and another ear of corn. I was definitely full after that. 

I also took photos of everyone there including the kitties. Susan took a pic of me with both Cassie and Jordan. I love it! Cassie had a pic with everyone except the cats. LOL! It was just wonderful and I have those pix to remember it!

Jordan and I stayed for a little longer, but Jason was ready for bed and Susan was getting tired. Plus, Jordan and I were ready to go. You just know when it's time. So I gathered up my stuff, hugged Cassie goodnight. Sometimes I still question my parenting and think about all the ways I screwed things up. But at least I know my kids love me and more important they know I love them. I try to only act in their best interests the only way I can.

Anyway, coming home I settled into watching the new "River Monsters" but Nicole called. Eddie told her that he wants to go live with his father. Emotionally it's a big blow. I know from personal experience, but like me she knows he'll get tired of it and want to come home. She also has issues with her Fiance's Ex-Wife. That woman still wants him in her life even though she's the one that wanted the divorce. Let go already! Ugh! So we talked for awhile. After that, I watched most of "Finding Bigfoot" and it's definitely a show I want to keep watching. I can't wait to find out when it's going to be airing on a regular basis. 

Well, I guess that's it for my Memorial Day tale! It's been a good one. I didn't get my exercising in, but that's okay. I'll pick it back up tomorrow. There has to be a skipped day once in awhile, especially when you're spending the day with friends!

   

Sassy Sunday!

It's so nice to be back to my happy self. I don't know what happened for a few days last week, but now I'm all good again and even though I slept in again today I didn't wake up on the wrong side of the bed! LOL! Sometimes when I sleep too much I will wake up feeling off. But not today! :-)

I haven't done much today, but either way I have been feeling good. My brother was over for awhile, but mostly while I was sleeping. Jordan slept late and I took the computer. Cassie was debating about deleting her Facebook page, but I think Lenore and I talked her out of it. Instead, she deleted a bunch of people on her friends list. She wasn't happy about doing that either, but at least she didn't delete it. 

I also took my mom to the 99 cent store. While she went in I stayed out in the car and did some writing on my schedule. I got about a week done. Then when we got home, I started hotdogs for dinner. My mom had bought chips to go with it. She also toasted the buns for us. They are always good warm. 

After that I did my stretches and played on Facebook. It was so cool! I posted a couple of pix of Karissa on Jackson Galaxy's page (cat behavioralist) and he said Karissa was gorgeous! He didn't write on a lot of other people's pix, but he did me. That made me happy and feel special. Then I also decided to check out this site called Memory Lane. Guess it's an off-shoot of Classmates.com, but at least there aren't a lot of annoying adds yet. It might happen eventually though. Just waiting for the site to grow bigger maybe. But as it turned out I saw Dana on there and sent her a message. Not sure she'll write back, but it would be cool to talk to her. We'll see if she gets in touch.

Needless to say I've had another good day. I have chilled out to "River Monsters" and watched "River Monsters Goes Tribal" which was awesome!! I'm glad I watched it. Jordan sat and watched at least half of it with me. And of course, we spent part of that time cuddling and talking with Karissa. She was doing a fair amount of talking too. 

Anyway, I can't really think of anything else to add. I'm charging my camera's battery so that I can take photos tomorrow at Jason and Susan's. 

My son is a goofball! As I'm writing this, he's being funny. "Are you done yet? Now? Now? How about now?" LOL! What a silly. 

Well, I guess that's it. Another great day. My GRAPES went well and I feel great! It's nice to say that! I feel great!! Yay! Let's see if tomorrow feels as good at today!         

Super Saturday!

Compared to yesterday today was a dream! I woke up around 1:00pm or so. When I got up there were pancakes on the stove. They were cold, but still so sweet and yummy!! I think my mom was irritated that I still slept in so late, but while I was eating, she came in and sat down to talk with me. At first I thought it would be more crap, but we ended up having a good coversation. We talked about my mental illnesses, the President, news in general, how we don't like people pushing their politics on us. It was cool! She also brought up an article she read in "National Geographic" and offered me the opportunity to read them myself. Knowing that she gets the magazine I asked her if she had the one with the Fox on it and she HAD IT!! She handed me about four to read and when she's done with the Fox one, I get to keep it!! :-D I have to admit that it was something that made my day a little bit. LOL!

Then my mom wanted me to take her to Walmart so I went and got dressed, when she changed her mind and wanted me to mail some letters for her and take her to Albertson's while I head to go pick up my last few prescriptions. Needless to say I took Jordan with me. So Jordan mailed the letters from the back seat of the car. My mom went to the store and we went to the Pharmacy where Jordan got my last three prescriptions. When we got back to the store my mom was still inside so I gave Jordan my food card to go inside and get me a bottle of water and let him get a candy. I had just enough. Well, the man punched in the card wrong, but Jordan got the impression he wasn't going to punch it in again - If I'd been there he sure would have! But anyway, two nice ladies behind him in line paid for it for him. I'm so glad because as soon as I got my big bottle of water I drank half of it almost immediately. It was a little while longer before my mom came out of the store, but it was great. She had gotten blueberries and strawberries and got some fried chicken pieces for us. It was so yummy to eat when we got home. But before we left the parking lot she gave me $20 for fuel!! Talk about a wonderful thing to do! I was almost out of fuel and I was wondering how I was going to get to class or to my therapy next week. So it was awesome! We went to the gas station because my mom heard the prices were going up and so I wanted it now. Now I'm up over 100 miles to empty now! It's awesome.

After we got home and I ate I went into my room and I did my stretches. In fact, I was all psyched up for it and added some new stretches. It's way better than yesterday where I blew off my stretches. Then I watched "Mythbusters" and I'm back to watching "River Monsters." I also wrote to my Aussie! :-) Turned out longer than I thought. LOL! He'll get to work tomorrow and have a huge email to read. LOL! I hope he has time to write back. It always makes my day. Then Jason called and invited me over for Memorial Day, which I think it cool! BBQ dinner sounds good to me. He said ribs and maybe he said chicken or maybe hamburgers and hot dogs. I don't care. It all sounds good to me! So that's something I can look forward to. 

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. The anti-histamine is starting to make me sleepy, not that I think I will sleep at the moment, but I have definitely relaxed. It's awesome. I just have to hope it doesn't cause restless legs. We'll see. I'm a little hungry too, but I don't know if I'll eat anything. We'll see!

Well, it was a great day for me! So it was DEFINITELY a SUPER SATURDAY!! Yay!!

Fucked Up Friday

Well, today sucked. I woke up about 12:30pm. I almost slept later, but my mom had to come in and wake me up - being a bitch, no less. All the derogatory comments about what kind of person am I and blah, blah, blah. All crap I've had to deal with before. I never get up. I never do anything. Actually, I was getting up and going to do things not more than a week ago. This week I haven't. But do you even think she'd remember that? Of course not! But on the brightside, she'd made me something to eat. So I got up nd ate. Had to listen to her blah, blah, blah more. Asking me again about Greg like I know anything. Then I find out that Diana isn't coming in June! She's coming June 23rd and staying through July! Ugh. Last person I want to see. Especially with the way I've been feeling today.

I did take Jordan to the pharmacy and they had one medication for me - NOT the right ones! But I couldn't get Jordan to wait for another 15 minutes. Apparently my wonderful medical doctor's office sent the prescriptions to the wrong pharmacy and I even gave them the phone number!! So it'll be another day before I get my meds, which also sucks. Then when we got home Jordan had to sweep the sidewalk and the gutter and, of course, he had to do a half-assed job. So another reason for my mother to come to me and bitch at me about that. She has basically bitched at me all day long. She has threatened me that she'll kick me out if Cassie doesn't come home. Cassie doesn't want to come home and I don't want her miserable around my mom. But I'm scared to get kicked out. I know sooner or later I'm going to have to find somewhere to go, but I don't know how. The government has cut my money again. All I feel like is that I have ruined her life. I guess she loves me. I kind of accept that, though I think it's more than she feels responsible for me. I guess I am a kid that never quite grew up. I thought I did, but I don't know. If I had money to live I would be on my own. But $516 isn't even enough to rent a studio apartment anywhere around here or anywhere decent for that matter. I will not move to drugs and gangs central. Not unless I really have no other choice. But then I doubt I'll have enough money for bills. It'll all go to rent.  Then were will that leave me? I'll have nothing and no where to go. This just makes me want to break down and just start crying. Tears are literallly burning in my eyes to fall. So now I have to be freaked out about my future. What am I going to do? It's got me so that I can barely function. I have been dragging all day and just tired. I think a lot of it is this added stress. Plus I have thought about cutting. The urge has gotten quite strong. So far I haven't acted on it. But I want to badly. Which means I've been thinking about going to the Emergency Room and see about being admitted, but then I worry about Karissa. I know, crazy. Not like they won't take care of her. I don't know. I just feel stressed out and I feel like I should go to the ER, but I don't want to. It means time in the hospital and then going to a crisis house. It might actually do me good, but I don't know. I just hate being so afraid.

I don't know what I'm going to do. All I know is that to try to relax I've laid down. I've cuddled and talked with Karissa. My sweet kitty groomed me several times today. I think she knows I'm not doing very well. Emotionally I'm in the pit. I thought maybe it was PMS, but I have all these extra stressors now. My mother is constantly bitching. My sister is coming. I have nowhere to go. My place to live is being threatened. I'm in the middle of my mom and Jordan. She gets mad when I don't say anything. I don't know. I can't make Cassie miserable. I can't do it. Because of that I might get kicked out. It's not enough that I struggled with whether or not I'm a good parent because I nitpic everything I do or don't do. I recount all the ways I've failed Jordan. I'm starting to wish I were dead again and I haven't felt that for awhile now. So between feeling like this, the strong desire to cut all the stress, I guess I am ready for the rubber room. But I don't know. I'll sleep tonight and see how I feel tomorrow.

I have tried to relax a bit watching "River Monters: The Lost Reels" which was pretty cool. Before that I watched "Criminal Minds." I can't remember anything else, but I basically laid down for awhile and just tried to nap. Anyway, Animal Planet is re-running "River Monsters: The Lost Reels" so maybe I'll try to sleep to it. Maybe tomorrow will be better. If not, I have to consider going to the hospital.

Throwback Thursday

Yes, this is a throwback day. I woke up to go to class, but I gave up on the idea. I could hardly keep my eyes open, so I shut off the alarm and went back to sleep. When I woke up I felt depressed. As much as I tried not to do it, I bashed myself for letting Cassie stay home from school yesterday. Like what kind of parent am I? And I am trying to tell myself I am a good parent. I guess it depends on what your definition is of good parent. But I just feel like I did a crap job with her and with Jordan. I don't know. I just feel like a failure and this is something I haven't felt for a couple of weeks at least. I was doing very well the last three weeks or so. Maybe it's because I'm PMSing. I have been having cramps. I've been irritable and of course, I'm very, tired - sleepy really.

Anyway, I heard from Greg that I might not be able to stay the month with him. His Aunt is coming out to take care of stuff, but he doesn't know what, but that they talked about selling the house . . . blah, blah, blah. But he knows less about what's going on in his life than I know what's going on in mine. That's sad. Plus, he doesn't stand up for himself. He lets people run all over him and take what's his! But anyway, I told my mom I might not have anywhere to go and she got upset. And she started getting nasty with me!!! Like I could do anything about it. She doesn't take into consideration that I don't want to be here either! As it is, I am having major anxiety because I am terrified her and Jordan will get into it and that she'll start shit with me and I just can't handle it. If I had 100 ativan, that might do it for the month to get me through it! LOL! I have a little extra at the moment, but not nearly enough! Especially since I'm going to have to take a couple to calm down enough to sleep well. Hopefully I won't get any nightmares. 

Jordan and I did go out earlier though. First it was to turn in my prescriptions. On the way home, we stopped and got crickets for Tubbie. What's funny is that I had Jordan go in. He came back with crickets that were too big so I sent him back in and they were like, "We know who your mother is now. She's the one with the fire belly!" LOL! I got a good laugh at that one. Then later we went back out.  I thought I'd be picking up five prescriptions. Well, I got four. Two of them I hadn't exptected so that still leaves me with three to get. The ones I had expected weren't ready! Ugh! They said come back at 6:00pm and we did. Oh well . . . just get them tomorrow. I did do something I shouldn't have. I let Jordan get us a couple of candy bars too. They had the 2 for 2 special still going and I told Jordan what to do. He got me a Milkyway and a 3 Musketeer. He got himself a Milkyway and a little bag of Wild Berry Skittles.

I wanted to go back out later, but Jordan didn't. It's cool though. Though I need the medication, it's not going to tell me not to have it. But boy am I going to need it for tomorrow.

Nothing else really went on. I cuddled with Karissa quite a bit. It makes me feel better when I do. She has a calming effect on me. I also watched "The First 48." Right now, I'm just chilling out to "River Monsters." It's been nice that it's been on all week in the evenings. It's awesome. 

Today wasn't a bad day except for how I am feeling about myself. Kimberly called and it was great to talk with her. She said I helped her and talking with her helps me too. I should make more of an effort to call her. Maybe over the weekend. I just hope I feel better by the weekend, though I won't hold my breath. I'm just going to continue to work my GRAPES and do what I can. I hate feeling like I'm back at the beginning, but it is what it is. Maybe it's just PMS and that it'll go away after it comes and goes. I can hope anyway.

    

Wacked Wednesday

I didn't sleep that well last night. Cassie arrived sometime between 2:00-3:00am. Once she got to bed, I went back to bed and I still had trouble sleeping. I did try to wake up her up for school, but I wasn't up for fighting with her and I knew she was tired from crying and being up so early to come over. At first I was going to just let her sleep until 9:30am. Then being half asleep she talked me into letting her stay home. I shouldn't have because I have no way of excusing it, but I just couldn't fight with her. Maybe that makes me a bad mom. But she would have had to walk home from school too because I had a doctor's appointment.

I finally woke up around noon, I guess, give or take. I got dressed, drank a little water and with Cassie headed to my medical doctor with me. I got into the back relatively quickly and I didn't have to wait too terribly long to see Dr. Jason. Yes, his name is Jason Yarborough or something like that. Everyone called him Dr. Jason. What's cool is I remembered everything that I wanted to talk to him about. Apparently I still don't have high blood pressure. They checked my pressure twice while I was there with two different sized cuffs and sure enough I was actually really good. I think the last one was 74/124 or are those numbers supposed to be reversed - which ever is the good way is the way it was for me. That was a load off my mind. Then we talked about me wanting to get a sleep study. He said that I really don't have the symptoms for it, but that it was a good idea to rule it out. My pdoc will be happy. I also talked about changing my muscle relaxant and last of all, my wonderful rashes!! Turned out that using that cream near my eyes wasn't such a good thing. Guess it can ruin my corneas. So that was bad. He said it was better to give me pills. So that's what I'm going to be taking. I hope it works. He's also sending out my blood work to do some regular panels and then to do allergy panels too, so we can find out what I'm allergic to. This should be interesting because they also test for food allergies. I'm interested in hearing the results. He also prescribed me a new muscle relaxant and then I had to talk to someone about the referral. THAT was the long part. Cassie and I were waiting for over an hour. Then the lady said she didn't know I was there. Ugh . . . But I got it done. Turned out I needed to give a urine sample anyway, so I did that too. But by the time we got out of there we were way ready to go. Cassie and I were both hungry and thirsty and though I didn't have the money really, we went to the Hostess Outlet Store. Turned out not to be too bad. We found a super deal and got five treats to share for $2.25. I also had us get water. They were $.69 cents each. So I didn't use up too much money.

But by the time we got home, Jason and Susan were ready to pick her up. What sucked is that I was still so tired. And I didn't really want to say good-bye. But I did. I still had panic attacks though all day long. I think they've eased up a bit. I'm not feeling the extreme tightness in my chest anymore. I barely made it through dinner which my mother was nice enough to cook. she'd cooked up these prepared ribs. They are so good! It was a nice treat. However, I could barely move and my mom wanted to yammer at me. She always asks me why I'm so negative about everything. To be honest, it's hard to be positive about anything when you grew up with an over-critical mother. It made me feel like I just couldn't do anything right. And making a mistake or failing one of my biggest fears that I have not been able to conquer and I have tried. But she finally let me go and I went to sleep for about an hour and a half or so. I was still tired when I got up, but I did feel better. I watched "The First 48" and then "Mythbusters." I did stretches and I still did my GRAPES. I didn't feel up to it at first, but I pushed myself to do it. I wanted to keep those stretches up and to be honest, I'm afraid if I start missing days that I'll start brushing it off and I don't want to do that. I want to keep the stretches up. And then if those pills work, I hope I can return to swimming. 

Now I'm just kicking back and watching "River Monsters - Unhooked" and plan to go back to sleep shortly. I need to also set my alarm to make sure I get up in time for classes. I missed today and I won't miss tomorrow. 

I have felt off today. It's probably just because I'm so tired and seeing Cassie, only to have her go and keeping her home from school. The anxiety didn't help. But I think if I sleep tonight tomorrow will be better.

      

Tired Tuesday

Well, today has been a good day. Tiring day though and I'm still feeling a bit off. But nothing bad happened today, but I noticed that I'm more irritable. I'll have to keep an eye on that, but it could just be that I'm PMSing. It's getting close to that time.

I woke up early after sleeping like crap last night. I managed to get up and get to my pdoc. I have a knew one now. I can't remember his name, but he isn't going to change anything and he's taking me off the extra paxil to get me through the PMS because I started to get side effects last time. I would have considered trying it again, but I didn't really need those side effects, that's for sure. My next appointment is two days before my birthday. LOL! Happy Birthday to me! :-P

When I got home, I ate some French toast and went to bed and took a nap. I woke up a few hours later, but still exhausted and I just couldn't shake it. However, I did do my stretches. I didn't feel up to it, but I wanted to do it so I did! I'm proud of myself for that. It also turned out that because I'd gotten upset over the old "friend" I looked up was rude to me, my daughter messaged her "I don't know what your mother taught you, but my mom taught me not to be rude." I thought it was funny and sweet. Unfortunately Jason wrote her and was rude to her. Just in case there was fall out, I blocked her. I don't want any games to be played. On the upside, I found my old friend Melanie and my old friend Lesley! So those went well.

I ended up cooking dinner. No veggies because Jordan wouldn't eat them so it was just sausage. Then when I was in my room, I decided to see what was on a VHS tape because my TV has a player. Well, it must not have been working because it wouldn't eject and because of it, the TV would shut itself off. It took me like 45 minutes to an hour, but I FINALLY got that damn tape out! It broke, but oh well! My TV is back working now. That's what matters.

Well, tomorrow is going to be another busy day. Cassie is coming over at 3:00am. Then I have to get her up for school. I also have class in the morning and then a doctor'ds appointment. I have to try to not eat anything from 1:00am to my appointment so that I can give blood for testing. I have put it off for so long. I have to remember to talk to him about a sleep study and I think I have High Blood Pressure. My reading was really high at my pdoc's. But it's always high when I'm there. Go figure.

I cuddled Karissa a lot today too. It always calms me and when she purrs, it calms me even further. I love her so much. Then I watched "Deadliest Catch" and "Extreme Couponing" or whatever it was called. It was an interest show on TLC. Now I think I might get myself a PB & J sandwich and go to sleep while I can. 

Hope I don't feel this tired tomorrow.

 

Manic Monday

Well, I woke up relatively early today and I had a hard time waking up. Hind-sight, I probably shouldn't have taken the 5-Hour Energy AND my huge iced coffee. I think it's left me feeling on edge all day. But it did get me moving. I got up, got dressed, got my coffee and headed out the door to class. And class was fantastic. Met up with Kimberly first and she gave me a card with what she felt about me falling her yesterday. It was so sweet. She said I inspired her because I left my comfort zone to call her. It is awesome and I'll call again. Maybe next time will be easier. But either way I inspired her! She's inspired me too, just in class with her wanting to get better and really working the programs and stuff. I think her and I can inspire each other.

Class was good. We had seven people there! I have never seen that many people there for the meeting before. It was cool, but I think I like the intimate feeling of smaller groups. Still what I get is always helpful and good!

After class I came home. I called my medical doctor and made an appointment. Jordan and I went to the store to see about getting apple boxes. Albertson's said they would save them for me tomorrow. I picked up some groceries there. Plus, I got a call from my Pdoc about changing my appointment to tomorrow at 10:00am. I said sure! Then we went to Vons and I was able to get two apple boxes. I have one packed up already. I will need about 4-5 more just for my DVDs . . . Ugh . . . I still don't want to move out for a month. But I will. I'm just going to have to deal with the stress. And I hope I can use the toilet. If not, I'm really screwed. But enough worrying about something I can't yet do anything about.

When we got home, I did my stretches and I typed up more of my book. I have just felt on edge and tired. But as I said before, I think that was just too much energy drink and coffee. And it's not like I have felt really down. Maybe a bit irritable or moody. However I got to see Cassie, Susan and Daniel. Susan brought them over to see Jordan - who was sleeping, of course. But they hung out a little, I gues. Susan and I talked a little Jason was being a butthead like he can get and I guess he punched another hole in the wall. What an idiot.

Then I got on Facebook and I found that my friend Melanie accepted the friend request. Alison, however, wrote me back a nasty gram and told me not to contact her again. I was blind-sided by that one. I don't remember us ending on bad terms. In fact, the last time I had seen her I was pregnant and we were out to dinner at the same place. But whatever. I guess she was just in a bad mood or she remembers something I don't. Either way, the upset has run its course and I'm over it. But it did sting considering I did nothing to her. Guess some people just aren't worth finding.

It did make me a bit nostalgic though for Denise. I went poking around. Didn't find anything knew that was in English anyway. But I did find out that she's on Ada's friend page. I don't really care, I guess. Ada doesn't really talk to me that much so I know she's not playing any games with me. Plus, I think Ada is tired of games. She has other things to worry about. I was surprised to see Denise and Heather on her list though. I will probably never say anything about it. What would be the point. I don't say much about anything, and I hardly think Denise thinks about me much, unless it's to say how terrible I am because I wouldn't write her book for her. Ugh . . . But I was thinking about Denise and how I could handle her as an email friend. However, I just don't think she'd be interested. But I created a yahoo and facebook account in order to reach her, should I chose to. I always think twice about it. Maybe I'll contact her for her birthday or something. That might be a way to think about it.

Anyway, I still feel off-balance. I think it's just the energy stuff and caffeine, but I don't like this feeling. I even took an ativan and I still feel off. Maybe after I get some sleep I'll feel better. I hope this isn't some kind of crash. If it is, I have to keep at it and push through it. I can't just give up like I have so often done. I need to keep doing those things that are good for me and maybe I'll have to rethink who I might want to contact. I need to sleep. That's what I really need. I think after I finish watching "Sanctuary" it's going to be bed time.

Tomorrow I'll feel more balanced and if not, I'll talk to my new pdoc and see what he or she has to say.

Proud as a Peacock!

Today was another quiet day. I woke up, got coffee and I did my stretches watching "Quigley Down Under." I felt really good about getting my stretches done. Jason called me too at Disney California and told me all that Cassie was doing. It's nice because it makes me feel like I'm part of it. I got to hear about how she rode the rollercoaster with the loops and she rode Tower of Terror. She even won a Dumbo from some game she played! I am so proud of her for the rides though. Those were the two she was really afraid of, but Jason's son Daniel talked her into them and now she LOVES them! LOL! I knew she would once she tried them. So that was very cool.

Anyway, I also did more typing up of "Crossfire." I made it through chapter 2! I am typing up better on here, though I still do get tripped up. I just get my fingers crossed, I guess. But all in all my typing is getting much faster on here with fewer mistakes and fewer issues with hitting the cursor pad on the laptop. I am really proud of myself! I think I'm going to try to type up a chapter a day and see how that goes. Some chapters are longer than others so we'll see. But that will be the goal.

I also did something else that I'm proud about. It took a lot of determination on my part. I called Kimberly!! I took a deep breath and did it! I got her answering machine, but she eventually called me back and we talked for awhile about a bunch of different things. I am just so proud of myself for reaching out. It's still going to take effort to do it again, but one success can lead to another! And I told Kim I would see her at class tomorrow.

Karissa has been loving. She likes to sleep on top of my crate. I have so much stuff in it, but since I put my shirt down for her she has hardly moved off it. I have also pet, hugged and kissed her all day long. It sure makes me feel good and she doesn't seem to mind since she purrs. I don't know what I'd do without her. Being without Cassie is difficult, but Karissa eases that pain a bit.

Tonight I just have been kicking back, playing on Facebook. I think I found a couple of old friends online, but I haven't found the one I really want to find - Troy. Wish I could find him, but I just can't seem to do it. It's frustrating, but I hope one day I'll catch up with him again.

I also watched some repeats of "River Monsters" followed by "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" followed by "In Plain Sight." Both great episodes. Right now, "Burn Notice" is on and at midnight I'm going to watch the new episode of "River Monsters." I do enjoy that show. The crazy thing is I'm hungry again so I think I'm going to go find a snack.  Eventually I'll sleep.

Writing and Typing - What I Do Best

Today has been a quiet day, but a good one. I haven't done a whole lot. I played online for awhile. I watched a few things on TV but nothing that really sticks out. I took a shower and played with Karissa for awhile. I took my mom to Rite Aid to get a couple of things. I also did my stretches. I think I'm almost ready to go to 20 reps per stetch. We'll see maybe tomorrow.

One of the great things about today is I finally finished reading through what I wrote of "Crossfire" so far. I haven't added to it yet, but what I have done is starting to type it up. It's awesome! I have typed up almost three pages so far. It doesn't seem like a lot, but I am a little slower when I have to look to the side and sometimes I do have a problem typing on the laptop because my thumb will hit the pad under the spacebar and suddenly the bar is somewhere else. Ugh! But the more I type the better I'll get. I can almost type without watching. Though I still have to check about every other line. I'm just so happy to be back to working on my original stories. Who knows, maybe tonight or tomorrow I'll write more on the story. At least I know it's back! And I think it's honestly back to stay! :-)

Another thing that was really cool about today is the fact I got to watch a new two episodes of "My Cat From Hell" and it is such a cool show! Totally Awesome! In fact, tonight's new episode made me cry. He helped this couple to work with a feral cat they'd taken in originally as a foster, but realized she was way wild. But with the work of the couple and the extra attention by Jackson Galaxy the cat behavioralist got her to finally let her momma owner pet her for the first time. I was just so happy for them and Minibar that I cried. 

Anyway, right now I'm just wrapping up the evening. I'm starting to get tired. I'm just watching the re-runs of "My Cat From Hell" and I'll probably check on my Facebook one more time. Then I'm going to settle down for the night. Maybe I'll even fall asleep earlier than usual! That would be nice!

As for tomorrow? More typing. Maybe some writing. Exercising for sure. After that, who knows! But it'll be a good day and that's what's important.

 

A Happy Friday!

Today was really a laid back day. One I have enjoyed quite a bit. I did sleep rather late. I think I woke up around 1:30pm - give or take 30 minutes. I was talking with Greg when Cassie came over after school. I quickly got off the phone and went to the door. Cassie had my Food Card and the money from Susan for food for cash. Then Cassie also had pictures she's drawn on cats and stuff. She did one I was really impressed with. She said it was Karissa and it looked like an animated Karissa. It was very cool!

After that, I waited a little bit, got dressed, watched an "Untamed and Uncut" about whales and then finally left to get a money order to pay my car insurance. I ended up having enough to get something to eat from McDonald's. I got my Extra Large Diet Dr. Pepper, a McChicken sandwich and I even got an ice cream cone. I made sure the drink was pushed into the drink holder all the way! I parked to eat the ice cream and the sandwich. Then I went to the post office and after all that, I still have $10 to put in my fuel tank! That was awesome! It gave me another 50 miles. That put me in a great mood. I'll probably have enough fuel to make it to all my classes next week.

After I came home I watched some TV, I think. Then I started dinner. It was left overs - Shepherd's Pie for Jordan and Lasagna for me. We started watching part of "Batman Forever" and then I went into the bedroom. I did some crocheting while watching TV. I watched some "River Monsters" which was cool. Then finally I got the computer.

Of course, I also did my stretches and played and pet Karissa. I was rewarded with a lot of purring. Then I wrote an email to my Aussie! :-D I won't hear from him for another day or two, but that's cool. I also got on Facebook and actually chatted with Steve and Ada for a bit. I taught Ada how to make the smiley faces on chat. :-) She said no one else would tell her. LOL! With Steve, we talk about the kids. The bad thing is it makes me think about the past and how much I failed the kids. I mean, I try not to think about it. But that's how it is. If I think about the past, it's hard to ignore the fact that I fucked up with them. I know it was a lot my illness, but I don't know. I just wish I had been better. More consistent. That I had gotten them to school every day instead of letting them stay home - because of them playing sick or me being tired. I wish I had been able to be a better person.

Anyway, I'm not going to let it get to me. I did what I could and my kids have never doubted once that I loved them when I grew up feeling unloved. So I did that right! Maybe that was the most important thing I did for them. I certainly hope so!



Busy Like a Bee

Again it seems I'm writing my blog after midnight. Ugh! Ah well. It is what it is and I had things to do.

Last night with my TV not working I was a little nervous about sleeping when it would be so dark. No, I'm not afraid of the dark. But I haven't slept in the dark in a long time. Anyway, my nose was also giving me problems so I couldn't sleep that way. Jordan also talked me into watching some play-through on different video/PC games. I do like this one guy that does Total War Samurai 2. Or maybe that's Shogun. Not positive. But the guy is funny to listen to as he talks about the battle he's in. So that was fun. I enjoyed it, but I was so tired. Then because of my nose spray not working I ended up tossing and turning. Eventually I went to sleep but not until it started getting light out. So needless to say, I didn't want to wake up. My mom finally got me up about 1:30pm. It didn't take me long to get dressed then I took her to go get copies of these papers she wanted. Directions to the Ameral family reunion. Nope, it's not something I'm invited to and to be honest, I wouldn't want to go. I don't know most of these people and I have no sense of kinship with any of them.  After that my mom wanted to go to vons. She wanted me to pick up some cube steak for Chicken Fried Steak. She also picked out a roast for me that we can cut up and make stew out of. Outside of that I picked up milk, a water and a little coffee cake. My mom bought some stuff of her own. Then we went home. I had Jordan take the stuff inside. Soon it was time I had to go get Jason from the Amaya trolley stop because Susan had Cassie at a dental appointment.

I stopped at McDonald's to grab a Dr. Pepper and for the first time in awhile I picked regular Dr. Pepper. Anyway, I'm leaving the parking lot and turning onto the street when suddenly the cup tips over and spills on my leg. I get so distracted and upset that I almost cause a one car accident. I almost ran right into an electrical box on the sidewalk. I slammed on my brakes just in time. I swear I have a guardian angel! Anyway, I had to wait while a couple of cars passed me because I had to back up before going forward. Then I went and picked up Jason. I told him about my little adventure. Now I know how easy it is to get distracted by a drink and almost have an accident!

Jason hung out with me for awhile. Between him and Jordan we got my old TV out and put in my dad's TV, only the screen was jumping a little - which I then remembered it was why I had stopped using it to begin with. And as if that wasn't enough, it didn't have the port for the DVD cords. I would have needed an adapter. Ugh! Anyway, we found out that Cassie has gingivitis (like that's a surprise) and she has six cavities. It's a lot but to be honest, it's not as bad as it could be.

My mom made the chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and country gravy and OMG it was good! I ate the whole thing. My mom had cooked enough for Jason, but he didn't eat. He stayed a little longer and then waited outside for Susan to arrive. When they did Cassie came in, told me about her teeth and then got my food card so Susan and do the Food for Cash. I need to take care of it tomorrow.

Anyway, after that, I rested for a little bit because I had to get to Greg. What scared me is that he was supposed to come up to me to put fuel in my car and then go back to his place and then go to the hospital so he could get his MRI on his knee. That didn't happen and I was like at 14 miles til empty. I was pretty freaked out about it. By the time I got to Greg's house I was down to 8 miles. Eventually he put fuel in my tank. We also went to Longhorn Cafe again. I couldn't resist getting another burger. My god they are so yummy. We also got the onion rings and fries. I also got one long island iced tea, but that was it. I had to drive. After that, we went to the hospital. He took his prescription in to the pharmacy and then we went to the MRI section of the hospital. He didn't want to do it. I know he didn't. He's claustophobic and he took a lot of sedatives and drank quite a bit so that he could go through with it. While he did that, I ended up doing some reading on my "Crossfire" book. There were a couple of errors I'm going to have to fix, but nothing too major. Then I was talking to this one lady who was waiting for her son to get done with an MRI or CT. Then we started hearing this lullaby play. The woman at the desk told us everytime we heard it, it meant a baby had been born! I thought that was very cool! The sad thing is, Greg got done over an hour before we could pick up his meds. Eventually we went out to the car to sit. Then at about 20 minutes til midnight he went in and picked up his prescription for pain meds. I feel so bad for him though. He is in such pain with that knee. It has to be replaced. Something had to be stapled and something else that I can't remember. I was definitely happy when it was all over though. I got him home. He gave me a couple of percocets to help with my sleep and then I came home. I haven't finished reading through "Crossfire" yet, but I wanted to get this written. Plus, I'm tired and ready for bed.

As for tomorrow Greg said maybe there would be a Taco Bell lunch. That would be nice. But I have nothing else going. No class. No other plans. If Susan comes back with my card and my money I'm going to go pay my car insurance. It has to be there by the 25th. But I'll make it. I just wish my $50 check had come in. I thought it should have. It sucks! Oh well, it still might show up. If it did it would make my month! That would be nice.

Feeling Like a Roley Poley

Not much really went on today. I didn't go to class like I should have. My nose was and is giving me trouble so I had a hard time sleeping. So I just decided I'd sleep today. Plus I wanted to make sure I had enough fuel to get to my therapist and back. I ended up not waking up until 2:30pm or so. I was still tired, but I got myself up. Once I woke up, I took my meds and did some stuff in my room. I did steal about .80 cents from my mom. I shouldn't steal anything, but I wanted to get a drink from McDonald's on my way to therapy. Turned out I had enough in change to get a drink or two and enough for crickets this week. So as I was dressed and it got to be that time, I went and got my drink and headed to see Dr. Tess.

In his waiting room, I heard my cell phone beep to let me know I had gotten a text only I couldn't find my phone. I started looking through my purse and around me when Dr. Tess called me back. I figured it was in there somewhere so I let it go at that. I ended up talking a lot about going to Greg's because of Diana and how her coming out and me having to leave has made me feel. I don't like how it makes me feel, but Dr. Tess did point out it could be worse. She could be MOVING BACK! That would really be bad. So that kind of puts things in perspective. Plus it's just a month. There's part of me that's afraid if I move out they won't let me back in, but I don't know. I think that's just irrational on my part. It's the fact I don't trust Diana. It's as simple as that. Other than that we laughed about how the world is going to end on Saturday. What a load of crap. LOL! I told him about when I was in junior high and there were two things that had gone around my school - different years. One was that Southern California was going to fall into the ocean on a certain day. I thought it was a load of crap then and I was young! The other one is funnier. The planets were going to align (like they'd never done it before) and that the Earth was going to explode! LOL! I was like, well, if it happens I don't have to go to next class! That's kind of been my attitude about it. Plus, if you're a Christian, it says in the Bible no man shall know the day. And to be honest, 2012 is a little scary for me, but then I think about it if the Maya were so smart and could predict the future how come they didn't predict their own demise? Then Dr. Tess told me that from what he knew, the only reason the Maya Calendar didn't go further was they ran out of room on whatever rock or wall or whatever it had been written on. That made me feel even better. But this crap about Saturday . . . what a crock! LOL! Then I look through my purse as I'm getting ready to leave and I don't see my phone. I look around where I was sitting and in the waiting room. Nothing. I go to my car and pull out EVERYTHING from my purse and it's not there. I was almost frantic, but I knew my phone wouldn't have walked away. So I went back to the waiting room and checked the cushions on the couch again then I decided to look under the couch and BOOM! There is was! So that was my excitement for the day!

After that, I went to Greg's and he took me out to dinner. OMG! We went to Lido's, which I'd never been to before - I think. My dad might have taken us YEARS ago, like when I was a kid. Maybe. But Greg got us meatball pizza, he had a full order of canneloni. I had a full order of Lasanga. They came with salad and garlic bread. YUM!! Also got a few long island iced teas. I didn't eat everything. In fact, I wanted to make sure I had room for a cannoli and the cannoli was awesome. Even Greg took a bite or two and enjoyed it. He also ordered a full order or lasagna for Jordan. By the time I was done I was FULL! I felt like a weeble wobble or a Roley Poley! I felt like if I laid down I ccould be rolled like a ball! LOL! We then went back to his place and I watched "When in Rome" which is a great movie! I want it for my collection one of these days. 

So all is fine and good. I leave feeling pretty good. I make it all the way home without an issue. Get home. Get to my room. Turn on my TV . . . there's sound . . . BUT NO PICTURE!! My TV gave me no warning it was going to do that, so now I have to figure out what I'm going to do. I have to put the old TV back in here because my TV is now busted and I don't know where my other TV is, so I can't do anything about using the other one I have. Ugh! I am irritated, but at least I do have another TV I can use. It's my dad's old TV. It was giving me trouble too, but I have to have something. I am a TV addict.

Anyway, I really am irritated by the TV. I hope I sleep tonight without the TV. I can run my DVD, but I'll just be listening. Not watching. We'll see if that works or not. It's been awhile since I have slept in total darkness. It'll be intereting if nothing else. It's just so very aggravating. Guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

    

Two For the Price of One

Looks like I get to write out two days for the price of one. I was so tired last night that writing a blog or email or anything was pretty much out of the question. There will always be those days every so often. I think I do need to go to the doctor though and see if I can't get a sleep study done. I am pretty sure I have sleep apnea because it doesn't matter. I am always tired. No matter how much sleep I get. I should make it a point to call the doctor tomorrow. Maybe I should write it on my hand or maybe my forehead so everyone around me can tell me - CALL YOUR DOCTOR! LOL! We'll see.

Tomorrow was a pretty good day. I was really tired though. More tired than I would have been. I got a call from Cassie at school to come pick her up. She was having jaw pain. I picked her up and found out that my phone wasn't working. Turned out neither was Cassie's, Susan's or Jason's. Turned out when they called to make arrangements on the bill, whoever it was, didn't put it down in the file so they shut off the phones. It eventually got resolved. Anyway, we got home and after a couple of phone calls with my mother's phone we went and had breakfast. Cassie actually made it for us. In fact, I hadn't asked her to make me anything. I just grabbed a yogurt. But she made me a grilled cheese sandwich. That was so sweet of her. But she likes to cook and especially anything with bread or tortillas and cheese. Simple and good. After that, we went into my room and listened to music and I started crocheting with Cassie's help. It started because Cassie found the little blue hook I had. I told her she could have a green skeen of yard and I asked her to pull out my projects. I found my hook in one project and the project I wanted was the next bag over. LOL! So we just talked and crocheted. It was awesome! I eventually had to leave so that I could make it to my RI class at Hearland. It was another awesome class. It's good to have that support and the example I gave was my anxiety over going to Greg's for a month. And though I have some anxiety about being with Greg at Greg's place a lot of it is the fact that I'm leaving my room, that I have to pack up my stuff and that basically I have to leave where I'm comfortable. Anyway, I would have been freaking out a lot more if I hadn't had the tools to tell myself to stop. That comfort is a want not a need. That fears are beliefs and beliefs can be changed. It really makes a difference.

Anyway, I thought for sure Cassie would be gone before I got home and I was so pleasantly surprised she was still there!! She was playing on the computer and we listened to music - hers and then mine. I went back to crocheting. We enjoyed each other until Susan came and picked her up. I loved spending that time with Cassie. It was awesome. After that I started re-heating chicken my mother had cooked the night before. I also fixed myself a salad, but Jordan didn't want one. Then while I was eating my salad I found out that the Exterminator had caught Big Momma. She'd also had little babies so he had to take them to Project Wildlife. Big Momma was relocated to Mission Trails Park. I don't think they caught Bandito though, so I'm sure there are still more racoons out there. However, with the traps gone Karissa can go outside now. 

After that, I chilled out to the TV. I watched "Chuck" and I believe it was the finale and it was AWESOME!! Morgan is going to be the new intersect! LOL! I can't wait for the next season. It's going to be the last, but at least they know that so they can wrap it up for everyone. I'm hoping at some point Sara gets pregnant. :-) Just so we can know she got the normal life she never thought she'd have. Then I just watched the end of something. Can't remember what. Then I watched "Sanctuary" which was also good. Nichola Tesla got re-vamped so to say. I have always loved the arrogant, yet funny and playful vampire. And I continued to love his character when he wasn't a vampire anymore. Now he's back! Can't wait to see what happens now!

I was so exhausted after that, but I was really craving sweets so Jordan and I went to Vons. Turned out they had a large sub sandwich and I decided to get it. I also got eclaires while Jordan got chocolate chip cookies. When we got home, we shared the sandwich. After we were done, I had thought about writing my journal and writing my Aussie - who wrote me a big, long email the other day! God, it's always so wonderful when I hear from him! But I was just too tired so I went to sleep. And it wasn't easy for me to go to sleep either. My mind just won't shut off. 

I ended up sleeping until about 11:30am. Greg was supposed to take me out to lunch as much as I wanted to, I didn't really think he would. To my surprise, he did!! I got dressed. Told him I was ready. He took me to this place called Longhorn Cafe. They serve 1/2 lb. burgers and boy are they good! And onion rings too! Big ones! But what was even better in some respects was the fact the place has a bar and the bartender really knows how to make a long island iced tea! It was so yummy! I hadn't had one done right in a very long time and Greg let me get four of them! Usually three would be enough for me. LOL! I was also really getting sleepy. I didn't think I could go to sleep, but as soon as I got home, I laid down in bed and went to sleep until my mom woke me up for dinner. Even at that point, I thought I might just eat and go back to sleep. But I stayed awake. I watched "The Chronicles of Riddick" on TV. It's one of my favorites. After that, I put on Discovery channel and watched repeats of "Deadliest Catch" until the new episode. They do go through greenhorns on deck.

But anyway, I am still keeping up with my stretches. I think I just watched something that will inspire me to keep it up. I don't want to get so heavy I can't leave my room or I can't get up and go shopping or see friends. But it's kind of why I don't use electric carts. If you stop walking for yourself your muscles will stop working so as much as I hate walking, I will walk around the store. I guess I have done some things right. I'm not as fat as I could be. But I am heavier than should be too. I'm just not ready to mess with my eating habits right now. It's one of my comforts and I'm just afraid I won't be able to eat what I want when I want. I think that will eventually stop and I'll get more serious. But for now, I'm going to do stretches everyday unless I really don't have ANY time or I'm seriously sick. I am committed to doing the stretches. Eventually everything else will fall into place.

Well, I wrote my Aussie again. I don't know when he'll get back to me, but I know he will and that's a good feeling. Anyway, I think it's time to wrap up. I'm tired and we'll see what tomorrow brings. I have class tomorrow though so that's something to look forward to.

Peace. Out! LOL!

A Sunday With My GOOD Family!

Today was another pretty good day, outside of being a bit sore from the stretches. But I have stretched for another day in a row. So far so good! It's because I "WANT" to do my stretches. Cool, huh?

Anyway, I woke up around noon, give or take 30 minutes. I then got coffee and did my stretches. I started doing my GRAPES, took my meds, went through some spirals looking for my hand-written version of "Crossfire" which I planned to finish reading and work on. After that, I headed over to Jason and Susan's because they invited me over for dinner. They did last night too, but I couldn't last night.

It was nice being over there. I got to spend time with Jason and Susan, but I really got to spend time with Cassie. Then I guess I was talking more than usual because Jason asked me if I was manic. LOL! I asked him if I were talking fast and he said after that, that he didn't think I was manic. I guess he's just not used to me talking that much anymore. Most of the time for the last year or so I haven't had much to say. But with the classes and working the tools everyday so far so good. But the real challenge will be when I have a really bad day. Hopefully I'll be able to really use the tools and cope. However, I hope I don't have to test it out anytime soon. But with Diana coming next month and me having to be elsewhere and out of my comfort zone . . . I don't know. I can see a lot of anxiety looming, but I'm hoping I keep it together. I mean, it's just one month right? Okay, well . . . we'll see what happens. But so far so good with the tools.

Anyway, Susan made chicken-fried steak with mashed potatoes and country gravy with corn on the cob. Then for dessert we had French Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. Then Jason and I watched part of this show called "Killing of Bin Laden" and it was interesting. I could have watched more, if there had been more. But shortly after that I took my leave. I said goodnight and goodbye. Gave Cassie hugs and kisses. On the way home I got fuel for the car. I needed it badly. Then once I was home I pulled apart my corner because I had the wrong spiral for "Crossfire". I had the original draft - what I'd written of it though. What I needed was the second draft - the one I was typing up before my desktop computer took a dump. It took awhile to get through my corner, but I have it better organized now. It could be better and eventually I'm going to have to pack it all up anyway. It just sucks. I hate that I have to uproot my life because Diana is coming. I know my mom wants to work on my room, but this is really going to play havoc with me emotionally. Oh well, I might as well not stress on it now.

So all I did tonight after going through my corner was watch "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" and then "In Plain Sight." They were both great episodes. It's interesting to see Goran in therapy. And then the love story of this guy and the woman he has always loved (Since he was 9), only to remain her best friend. But eventually he tells her how he feels. She tells him how she feels and they live happily in Witsec ever after! LOL! That and I think Marshal is still in love with Mary. I think he always will be. I wonder what Mary would do about that! LOL! He's her best friend. After that, I took Jordan to the store and we each got a piece of cake and a soda. I shouldn't have probably, but it sure tasted good! And I also wrote to my Aussie. I'm waiting to hear back from him, but he does get busy. Still . . . I wish I'd hear from him more.

Oh and it was so funny! Just for fun, I rubbed some catnip into the corner of my bed and I got a great laugh watching Karissa rub and roll all over it and eventually lay down and enjoy. It was so funny! It brought a smile to my face.

Anyway, tomorrow I have class - Recovery International Group. It's a great group. Then I'll be trying to work on "Crossfire." There's not much else on the agenda. We'll just take it as it comes.

  

An Awesome Saturday!

I slept late today. I don't think I got up until about 1:30pm. My mom wanted me to take her to Walmart, but first she had made some spaghetti for an EARLY dinner. I mean dinner is not generally at 2:30pm! But it didn't stop me from eating. I had a big plate and I ended up being quite full. I'm not used to eating a lot when I first get up, but I knew I needed to eat. After that, Jordan pulled out hangers from my closet so that I could put my clothes on them then have Jordan hang them up for me. It got them off my bed and that's a good thing. Then my mom took a nap before we could go to Walmart. That was okay. It just left me with time to putter around my room, write out my GRAPES. I haven't really finished with it today yet. I'm going to do some meditating. It really wasn't that long before my mom woke up ready to go.

Walmart is always good. My mom and I always split up and then meet at McDonald's. She tells me a couple of things to grab for her along the way. Well, this time after grabbing the things she wanted, I decided to look in the $5 DVD bin because I've been trying to find "Fool's Gold." There was this woman there that was seriously digging through the DVDs so I asked her if she'd seen a copy. Well, she hadn't and after a few more minutes I gave up, went to McDonald's and got a soda. Then awhile later the woman found me and said she'd found a copy of the movie. She told me she had put it on the side of the pole, but I wasn't sure what she meant. But after my mom came and she ate while I had an ice cream cone, I told her I wanted to check something out and went back to the bin to see if I could find the movie.

Well, I didn't find it . . . There was this guy there and I was bemoaning the back I just couldn't find this movie. He suggested I make a pile of the movies and go through them one at a time, but I just didn't have the time. I told him I couldn't because of my mother. Again, I gave up and went back to my mom. After that, we headed to the back registers where the car was parked. Just as I was getting ready to get my things scanned the guy tracked me down and handed me my movie!! He said, "Told you we could find it." I thought that was so incredibly awesome! How often do you find one kind stranger, but to find two? I think I was definitely meant to get that movie today. LOL! It was just a really neat experience and I walked away with the movie I wanted!

After we got home, Jordan brought the stuff in from the car. He was happy. I got him a candy bar. :-P Then I got myself to do stretches again. That's three days in a row of "WANTING" to do stretches and doing them! Then some time after that Jordan brought me my computer back, but I didn't really have very much energy to do anything other than check a couple of sites. Then Jordan wanted to go to the store. He wanted more candy and I remembered that Vons was having a buy 2 get 2 free on some of their candy. Then I figured if we were going there, why not get a sandwich and chips? Of course, when we got there, there were no large subs. We had to make due with little sandwiches of which I bought us two each. I got us each a bag of chips and a soda. We still got the candy and I also got Eclaires. OMG! I forgot how good those were! Basically, we sat in the parking lot and ate. We brought home the chips and my candy. He ate his. But Jordan is a bit of a bottomless pit. He eats and eats and eats. 

Anyway, I found a new show I like!! "My Cat From Hell" and it's awesome. This show I can really get into because I'm a cat person and I can really impliment anything new I learn - if I can being that I'm not in my own house. But Karissa doesn't have any bad behaviors. She is loving and she talked . . . she's wonderful and I love my baby so much! But it's awesome to watch this guy work with families and their fur babies to end bad behavior and make everyone happy. GREAT show!

Okay, guess that's it for now. I am exhausted and am going to try to go to sleep. I won't hold my breath though. I lay down and my head starts working. I hate it, but it is what it is. However, I'm so tired that maybe I will fall asleep easily. That will be my hope.

  

Gonna Get Big Momma and Bandito!

I made it to my classes today which was a good thing. I didn't really get a lot out of them today, but I have a hard time with "I" statements with all kinds of components to them - when you . . . I feel . . . Why . . . what I want . . . I think think most people think of that at the spur of the moment unless you are seriously emmersed in the tool. I do try to use "I" statements when I do discuss things with people that are uncomfortable, but I don't sit there and think of each one of those things. I might work on it though, if I know there's going to be a discussion one way or another. We'll see. I guess I got something out of the classes after all! LOL!

Then I come home and find a strange guy walking into our yard carrying what looks like a container of bird seed. Turns out it was dry cat food. LOL! There were also traps in the front yard. Turned out that the racoons I've been seeing around the house made three holes in the neighbors roof and they put a hole in our roof! They are cute suckers, but when they start causing damage, it's time to go. It's okay though. This guy has a capture and release policy. Hopefully they will like their new home. But anyway, he put out two traps. He showed me how to open the traps in case we catch cats instead of racoons. I think I can reset it. At least I hope so. But he doesn't seem to think it'll take that long to get them. So looks like Big Momma and Bandito have to go. In some respects it's too bad. I liked watching them, and they're cute, but they definitely need to be caught and moved. And yes, I do know they can be very, very vicious when cornered or feel threatened. I'm not stupid. But I've always liked racoon. I just wish they weren't so destructive. Anyway, we'll see if we catch them in the morning. It would be kind of cool to catch Christopher though. Since he ran away we've all missed him. I won't hold my breath though. And poor Karissa is going crazy. She can't go out until this ordeal is over. However my mom said she can roam the house when I'm surpervising her. LOL! Go figure.

This afternoon I also called and made Cassie an appointment for a physical. I double-checked her appointment for Friday and got the address. Took my mom to Henry's to get some fruit and veggies and some Cayenne juice or oil or whatever it is for her lemonade. She also wanted peppermint oil because it's supposed to keep pests away. I don't mean racoons, but maybe! LOL! I also stopped at Vons on the way home to get some pork chops for dinner. I also have been wanting to try Neopolitan Klondike Bars and they had them! After dinner I tried one and enjoyed it quite a lot. I also wrote my Aussie though I haven't heard from him in the last couple of days. But he gets busy with work and family. I just hope he writes me tonight. I love to hear from him. It always makes my day. 

Then after dinner, I watched the newest episode of "Hawaii 5-0" on Hulu. Puttered around on the net. Watched "River Monsters" which I really enjoy. Jordan wanted me to watch "The Patriot" with him tonight, but I am just too tired to enjoy it, so I promised him I'd watch it with him tomorrow afternoon. I even wrote it down on my schedule, so I'm serious. I also finally took a shower. I'm not furry anymore! LOL! My arms and pits are furless! My legs are another matter, but taking the shower and doing what I did took a lot out of me. 

I was rather aggravated though. I lost most of this post and had to rewrite it because "Blogger" had maintenance and I didn't know. But I think I'm still doing okay rewriting. I think I'm still getting the points I got. Anyway, as I waited for "Blogger" to come back on, I went to my Yahoo account and posted a status of aggravating. LOL! Then I decided to upload Easter pix. I figured something that would take some time would be a good thing. Turns out it was. I hope it doesn't take too much longer to load up all the phones though. I think some of the cutes - outside of the ones with my daughter - were the ones of Karissa playing with a Cadbury Egg. LOL!

Okay, well, tomorrow I plan to go to classes and we'll see what we catch in the traps. With luck it will be Big Momma and Bandito. I just hope we don't get a skunk! LOL!

  

And We're Back!!

Well, I was more than a little aggravated last night because I couldn't write my nightly blog. My goal is to write one every night. Guess it won't be my fault this time! LOL! I'm glad Blogger is back in working mode now. Thank god!

Yesterday I went to my classes at Heartland. They were good. WRAP is always a great group. I like working on my Wellness Recovery Action Plan. Then after that was processn group. I can't remember what I shared about exactly, but I know I got a lot of positive feedback. Oh yeah, I talked about being a little depressed after Mother's Day. I got to see Cassie, but the next day I just couldn't get out of bed. Anyway, I was reassured that I was a good parent. But what was really, really good is that we had time after everyone shared so the couselor that runs the group taught us a new tool. It's called GRAPES. Each letter stands for something. G - Gentle to Yourself. R - Relaxation. A - Accomplishments. P - Pleasure. E - Exercise. S - Social. It's a list. You can write things down that you CAN do, or I'm using it as a list I'm going to try to accomplish every day. That way each day I am doing good things for myself. I started yesterday. Today I continued. I also got a good suggestion about dealing with exercise. I do stretches and it's kind of like I should. Well, someone suggested I change it to "I WANT to do stretches." So far so good. I have done my stretches two days in a row. I'll tell you, I'm doing half of what I was doing last and boy do I feel it. It's not horrible, but there is a definite ache. I also meditated. It was awesome! I use this CD called "Spirit Dreams" and I was getting images of Indians and Painted Horses. Little Indian girls. Golden meadows. A creek. It was definitely cool to let my mind just go with the music. I also did some deep breathing during that too so I know I was pretty calm by the time I was done. Then I wrote down some personal affirmations to be gentle to myself like "I am a good person,""I am a good parent,""I am worthwhile,""I am a good friend." I just need to say it to myself and BELIEVE IT. I might need to write them down everyday though to make it sink it. Accomplishments is easy. I always manage to complete something in the day. Social is the one I have the most difficult doing. At least when it comes to calling people. But I called my best friend, Nicole. We talked for a bit and that was good. As far as pleasure goes, I pet Karissa. I had Ben & Jerry's. I worked on GRAPES which was pleasurable. I hit all the points today. I felt good about it.

I did have one thing that was not so good today. Cassie had an appointment with a psychiatrist - an intake appointment. They ended up not seeing her because Medi-Cal fucked things up! They had some secondary insurance in her file that hasn't been on there for 5-7 YEARS! And suddenly it just pops up! I even remember getting a letter from that company and giving it to welfare! So I call the HMO. They give me the number to the welfare line. They give me a number for med-cal. Then they give me yet another number where I have to get an email address and email my problem. Then I guess I have to pray they get to it. Until then, I can't get my daughter medical help, I guess! So I'm PISSED! I haven't sent an email yet. I need to get the email address. I was too upset earlier to listen clearly to the message. There should be someone there to handle this shit, but because of budget cuts there isn't anyone. So I'm fucked as far as getting help for my Cassie. Nice, huh? God, I hate the government. They can vote themselves pay raises, but they have to fuck over those that have next to nothing. So basically today I got to waste time, waste fuel AND picked up Cassie early from school for NO REASON! Ugh!

Okay, that was my rant. I was happy to see Cassie one way or another. Plus, she was excited. Her and her friends were going to a concert tonight - 933 concert. It's the first concert she's been to with just friends. I think I was 14 or 15 when I went to my first concert that wasn't at the Del Mar Fair. But Cassie is fine. She even sent me a clip from the concert. It was so cool that I could be a part of her day and her excitement.

Anyway, I guess that's about it. I am tired and I'm going to try to go to sleep. I hope I do get to sleep. But I have a bad habit of my head turning on when I want it to turn off. But I'll hope I sleep easily. I'm just thankful Blogger is back online and that whatever was wrong was fixed. Yay. Now time for bed! 

A Little Excitement!

Today was a pretty quiet day for the most part. I slept until around 11:00am. Took my mom to get her blood taken for some tests. I went to Trader Joe's and got something to eat - a chicken cesare wrap with baked onion rings and water. I also got some chocolate peanut butter eggs. But I haven't gotten into them yet. Then after my mother was done, we ended up going to Denny's. Rather than a grand slam I got the sampler platter - well, the half one anyway. It was great, but another part of my tooth broke and the hard stuff tore up my gums a little. When we got home, I took a nap.

After that, my mom asked me if I'd take her to the store. We went to Albertson's. She got some fish and a couple of other things. I got a family sized cheese enchiladas dinner. I also got water and some temptations for dessert. By the time we got out of there I was down $37. But as I went to stop at Kahoots to get some crickets for Tubbie, I realized I'd left my purse back in the cart, like an idiot!! So I race back and the cart boy has it on top of the carts he's pushing in. I let him know it was mine and he gave it back. Everything was in it, but I couldn't believe I'd done it. That's what happens when I feel off. And I did feel off.

From there we went home. Fixed dinner. Watched some TV - "Deadliest Catch." It was after that when I was in my own room watching whatever was on while I play on the computer (wanted to play Happy Pets) when my mom asked if I could hear that. Turned out we were both hearing noises from upstairs. Clumping noises and scratches that sounded like they were at the door. My mom ended up calling the police. It took them a bit to get here, while I stayed on the phone with the dispatcher until they arrived. They went upstairs and found . . . NOTHING! Except a BIG white cat on the upstairs patio, but that didn't explain the scatching I heard or the loud noises either, I don't think. But either way, there was nothing up there. 

Now, I am exhausted and I need to go see Greg so he can help me with fuel. Guess I will bite the bullet and go, though I feel really on edge. But I'll survive. I always do. But what a day! Definitely a little excitement involved.

And So Comes the Fall

Well, I couldn't wake up this morning. I didn't want to wake up. I just kept going back to sleep. I blew off class today. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep and sleep. I guess I'm depressed. I think it's more than just the after affects of Mother's Day because Cassie is gone again. I think it's just this time a year. I miss my Dad and I'll be struggling with this until July at least. But I'm going to try to be proactive for the rest of this week. I'm going to try to get up, go to classes and do some writing. I don't feel like my writing is being effected this time. That's a plus. Usually I'd feel it when I think about my projects, but there's nothing blocking, so maybe something is going to go my way.

I didn't wake up until 5:00pm. Managed to eat a little dinner. Then I just watched TV - "NCIS" followed by "Chuck" and "Stargate Universe." I also managed to write to my Aussie and tell him about my day as boring as it was. Also how I was feeling and why. Also what my plans were for tomorrow. As much as I feel on the downside now I'm going to just try to combat it. I'm usually not very good at it, but I don't want to feel down. I have other things to be doing and I guess if I concentrate enough on that and less on the crappy stuff then maybe I'll feel better. I definitely want to work on my writing. Maybe when I finish reading "Crossfire" I'll start typing it up. Though I don't type as fast here and I did on my old computer. I didn't hit something that would screw up my cursor and where I was in my typing. I think I accidently hit the scroll pad or something. I do it less than I used to though. But it's a way to go forward. Then in July or August I want to buy myself a new copier/scanner. I can get one around $100. But I definitely need to make hard copies of my writing. I'll just need to figure out where to put the darn thing when I get it. Maybe I'll finally clean my corner for good and put it there. Not that I will know where to put anything I have in the corner. LOL! But next month is Brakes. I don't have a choice on that one. Money is going to be tighter than I want, but that's how it goes. At least I won't be completely broke immediately.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm getting up to take my mother to get blood tests and then we're going to go to Henry's. She wants to get this cayenne juice or something. There's something else too, but I don't remember. When I get home, I guess I'll just try to do some reading and editing for "Crossfire" and then maybe start typing. Or maybe I'll start re-reading what I have handwritten and continue from there. I'm just glad I have the desire to do it again.

Well, I kind of watched "Sanctuary" which if I really wanted to see all of it I'd stay up and watch the replay. However, I watched enough to know what the show was about and it was a decent episode about a Mothman. LOL! It was cool! I am pissed about one thing. They canned the idea of doing a movie for "Stargate: Universe" that would shore up the storyline! I know it didn't get the greatest ratings, but I LOVE the show! And how fair is it to the people that do love the show? So as far as I can say Syfy for MGM - whichever was responsible - they can kiss my ass. I want to know the end of the storyline!!

Guess I'd better close this ramble. With luck my Aussie will write me shortly and my medication will kick in and I'll go back to sleep. One can hope! And also hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Happy Mother's Day - Kinda . . .

Even though it's Mother's Day, I wasn't really keen on getting up. I was tired. But as soon as Cassie arrived I was up and ready. I also put on make-up which I haven't done in so very long. Cassie said she'd lost her make-up, but I knew where it was since it was in one of my drawers. So she put on make-up too. I ended up running to the store with Cassie so that we could get ground beef. My mom made my Dad's chili. I suppose that kind of got me a little down a bit too. I ALWAYS miss my dad on Mother's Day. Anyway, Cassie and I went to Vons. I went there because I needed to pull out cash and it wasn't $20. There they let you pick an amount which is awesome. I pulled out $12 and it was the PERFECT amount. I have .49 cents left. LOL! Anyway, I got the ground beef - very little fat and I grabbed three large coffee creamers. Then I got Cassie and I each a soda. After that, we went to Tru-Value and I got my mom three Ring Tomato Cages. They were on sale and I guess they're good for tomatoes to grow. I'm just looking forward to the tomatoes that will come.

Cassie and I got home and believe it or not, we took a nap. My brother Tim came over and he worked on some wood under my window. It was a lot of noise, but I still managed to sleep. Cassie definitely did. Then I got up and went to KFC without Cassie and bought two buckets of chicken. That's also what my mom wanted for Mother's Day. When I got back, I got Cassie who was awake and we started eating chicken. But when we went to eat the chili turned out we were out of sour cream. Needless to say there was yet another trip to the store. This time to Albertson's. I got a bottle of water, a bottle of green tea by Golden Peak and what was awesome was that there was a sale on cereal. They were $1.99 a box which is a great price! I even bought Cassie a box to take home with her. When we got back, we had our chili and it was good.

When dinner was over, we went to my room and hung out on the computer, listened to music. First we listened to her playlist for awhile, then I talked her into listening to Weird Al which was fun. I love his music. They're so funny! Time went by pretty fast. We talked and I watched her playing on the computer. Then she was handing me over the computer when Jason and Susan texted that they were there. They brought Cassie's spring portraits and I gave Cassie the money for them so that she can give the money to her PE teacher - the teacher responsible for the photos.

I kinda feel emotional. I have all day. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I do feel a bit down. I felt like I was going to cry many times. Even now I feel that way. Sometimes I think it's even harder seeing her because then she leaves. And it's hard that as much as she loves me, which she said in her card to me (from Romeo too!). She said no one could replace me. I'd like to think so. But it's hard when I'm not with her. I love her so much. I don't know, I just miss her. I think that I wasn't a good mom, which still comes up for me. But I had to do something right. She loves me. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I just need some sleep.

What was really cool though, is I wrote my Aussie and he wrote me back! :-) I sent him a pic of me today and he like it. Said I was looking hot! Makes me feel great. He also shared with me about his weekend and it's the most he's ever said to me about his family. I love it! I love to know about him and what he does . . . what's going on in his life. He really knows how to make me feel special and that is a great feeling.

Anyway, all in all it was a good day. I guess I have to hold on to that. Think I'm going to go eat a piece of chicken and go to sleep.