Happily Exhausted

Wow am I exhausted!! I don't even know if I'll make it through my shows tonight! And I really want to watch "Chuck," "Being Human" because we get to meet Josh's parents and "Hawaii 5-0." I just love the show and the actors. But you know, I got a really good work-out. I slept like crap last night like I do most nights, but I still woke up at 6:30am. I tried to get Jordan up to go get his bus pass, but he was a general pain in the ass and now I might be stuck buying his pass. Ugh!! Anyway, I took my 5-hour energy, got my coffee. I asked my mom if she wanted to come to the gym with me, but she didn't feel up to it so I grabbed water and took off on my own. Actually she told me I needed to get cereal and stamps for her, so that got put on the agenda too.

Well, I got to the gym about 15-20 minutes before class so I swam some laps. Then the water aerobics class was awesome! Lots of cardio. My biggest problem with some of the moves is that I'm just so boyant! LOL! Anyway, after the class I still did my 30 minutes of laps, went into the spa then took a shower. I wasn't too tired then so I didn't spend too much time in the spa this time. Then on the way home I stopped at Albertson's to get the cereal and stamps. I also picked up a water - I needed more. I was so thirsty. Of course, being hungry too meant I was looking for something to eat that I could get with the little bit of money I had left on my card. Turns out I was in the mood for cottage cheese. I came home and ate some with the peaches. A couple hours later I had more with just salt and pepper. Growing up I HATED cottage cheese, but my birth-grandfather had it with salt and pepper and that's the only way I'd eat it for the longest time.

After that I started editing "Assassin's Seduction." I promised myself I would start today. I was hoping to make a real dent in it, but I only got through to page 21. It was kind of sad that I couldn't go further, but I'm not sure my edits were any good anyway because of how tired I was. Concentration has been an issue. But I think I'm going to try to shoot for about 20 pages a day until I get it done. So that means the other story is going to be on the back burner for now. I also did some looking into ePublishers and at least two or three would be good choices for me. In fact, one wants submissions between 30,000 to 50,000 words and that's where my stories lie!! I am so excited because I really thought it would be harder to find someplace for my novellas, but I feel good about the ePublishers. With luck in a couple of weeks I'll have something I can start sending out! It would blow my mind if I got accepted! I mean how awesome would that be?? To finally get published!! Here's hoping!!

My mother also wanted to get her hair permed today, so I called the place for her, asked her questions and then took her up. She was there for like 2-3 hours. Then I picked her up. What was really nice too is that she offered to get KFC for us. OMG!! It was sooooooo good! We got a 12 piece bucket of original recipe chicken with potatoe wedges and biscuits - coleslaw for my mother (Shudder - ICK!). I am STILL full from dinner. Better than being hungry, that's for sure!

Jordan helped me with some laundry, getting laundry put away and others started. He also got water for Karissa for me. I get to clean the litter box tomorrow. LOL! No biggie though. I can sit down on the bed and do it now. So it'll be a lot easier and it will get done. All I need is the scooper in here because I have plenty of bags for disposal. Oh and it was so cute. Jordan went to pet Karissa and she literally turned her head, insisting that she smell his fingers before he could pet her and then when she was satisfied she literally tilted her neck giving him PERMISSION to scratch her neck and pet her. LOL! Oh she is definitely a princess! At the moment she's lying next to me just being pretty.

Can't think of anything else to say except that I'm going to try to go to the water aerobics class tomorrow too and my goal is more editing. I will get this published. I am willing to work with an editor and get it right so it can be published. I am excited! Good luck is coming. It's got to be! Anyway, the power of positive thought in action. Too bad it doesn't work for sleeping! LOL!

I'm Patting Myself on the Back

I am so proud of myself! I didn't procrastinate on getting the prologue for my newest story done!! I am so happy about that. And I think it came out pretty well. I need to tweak the News Article, but that should be easily solved. I'm just a writer and not a journalist so it will take me a try or two to get that just right. Either that or I might ask Nicole to give me ideas or write a little blurb for me. Anyway, I'm just so thrilled that I got it done. Now tomorrow comes the real fun part - editing my first book. I have procrastinating for too long and I told myself I would work on it on the 28th and tomorrow is the 28th. I have to be strong and not procrastinate. Maybe I won't finish the whole thing tomorrow, but I'm going to try. Then on the third I need to get a black ink cartridge for the printer and maybe more paper. I need to get serious about getting the novella out.

Jordan helped me with my room today too. My mom is letting me keep Karissa's litter box, water and food in my room, but to do that I had to straighten out my room. I also wanted to clean off my bed and get some real sheets on. I still sleep on the blanket, but that's because if I didn't I'd get poked and scratched by a broken spring in the mattress. It's not fun. I've been scratched before. It sucks actually.

Anyway, he helped get laundry going. We got a hamper in the hallway and threw my old, broken hamper away. Where my old hamper was I put the little box. The water is next to it and the food is over near the closet. We even brought her bed in and placed it on a corner of the bed, though I doubt she'll sleep in it unless she gets cold. But since my mom keeps the house at about 70 degrees we're all good. But the room looks so much better and I told my mom that this will at least make me keep the floor clean! :-)

Jordan and I did pause for a bit. After dinner we went to Albertson's. I was almost out of Splenda for my coffee and god knows I can't have that happen! LOL! So I told him I'd get him a soda too. And when we got there, that's what we got. Then Jordan was nice enough to buy us each an ice cream cone from McDonald's. That leaves me $1 to get crickets for Tubbie. My mom was always super nice to me and gave me $20 for fuel. With gas being $3.69 a gallon, I needed every penny of it going to fuel. It sucks that the gas is going up again. It's so hard for me to get things done. My mother can't help me all the time, so I'm worried about that. I want to be able to see Cassie at Jason and Susan's. I need to be able to get to therapy and doctors. I need to be able to take my mother places . . . and stupid gas has to be so expensive. The gas conglomerates or whatever they are sucks badly. If those people had my income I bet you things would change real quick! Jerks.

Anyway, tonight I've had a good old time watching "Iron Chef America" kind of. They weren't new ones. :-( But I was also listening to music on Project Playlist (yes I could do both at once!). I also decided to open a MySpace. LOL! I just thought it was fun. I have a jungle background, a tiger for my profile pic and I have uploaded a bunch of pix of Karissa. Her album is called "My Little Tiger" and she is! Right now she's sleeping behind me on the bed. I love having had her in almost all day. She hasn't quite figured out that she doesn't need to go out of the room yet, but that's okay. I'm letting her out tomorrow morning so she can enjoy the outside.

Well, guess it's time for me to take my medication and think about sleep. I have to wake up at 6:30am so I can wake up Jordan and then I need to go to the gym and do water aerobics. My mom wants to join me so we'll see if she feels up to it. Then I have all that editing to do. I can do it. I will do it and it will be great!!

Writing Procrastination Writing future

Another good day for the books! I didn't go to the gym, but I won't go on the weekends. Too busy. I don't want to be in the crowd. I did sleep until 10:30am though. But in all honesty I didn't really do very much today. Just played online, watched TV and wrote.

I still haven't written the prologue. I don't know if I'm procrastinating or I just don't have a clear enough image of what I want in my mind. I suppose I can try to write down notes for what I want. I do worry that my story isn't that good. But I'm not that far into it yet. I've only written maybe 10 pages. Still, I worry. I want the story to be good and interesting. I don't like feeling like I'm procrastinating on this either. The write still isn't flowing as well as I'd like, but at least I'm writing. I just hope it doesn't sound like shit. I guess either way, I just need to get myself back together. Maybe if I finish another project I'll be back to how I was. I think I'm taking tippie toe steps toward going back to my other stories. I want to finish my Princes of the Desert set. I guess eventually I will. Who knows . . . maybe it will happen sooner than I think.

I was reading my Tarot cards for March and April. It really seems that things are going to go well. At least I'm going to keep believing that. Positive thoughts and all. Maybe if I keep to my editing on the 28th and have something workable to send out in March maybe I'll get good news in March or April. It would be so nice . . . Vindication that my work is good! :-) I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Move forward and with luck I'll have good news in my future!

Anyway, I'm feeling tired. Karissa is sleeping on the bed beside me. Oh and my mother said that I can bring her into my room! I mean, the litterbox, the food and water!! Everything!! I am so excited. I've been trying to clean up the room a little. Tomorrow Jordan has to help me with laundry and getting some of this stuff in here put elsewhere. Then I can move everything in and Karissa can officially be a house cat, except when she wants to go outside. :-) Which as the weather eventually warms up I'm sure she'll want to. She is so loved! Jordan loves her so much too. He comes in and can't help but pet her and give her kisses. And talk to her. We all love to talk and meow. I am very happy to have Karissa with me. Thank god for kitties!

Guess that's it. Tomorrow there is nothing on the agenda. Monday it's time for the editing so maybe tomorrow I'll make sure I have everything ready to get to work. Other than that, nothing. I'll just do more writing. Maybe I'll FINALLY write the prologue! LOL! I'll put it on the list. At least there will be a couple of things there.

Okay, time for bed! 

Itchy Scratchy

Today has been pretty good! I got up around 8:30am, took my last 5-hour energy, grabbed a water and headed to the gym. I got there just in time for the water aerobics. It was a great class and I was remembered by the other members which was nice. I missed the usual instructor, but this woman was great too. She's just not as funny. LOL!

After class I did my 30 minutes of laps. I think I'm getting faster. I then went into the spa and I stayed too long. Ended up sitting down almost the whole time I took a shower. All my energy was completely zapped. Walking out to the car to go home was like hiking cross country! :-P I was very glad when I got to sit down behind the wheel.

Then when I got home I had to turn around and leave again. I totally forgot my mom needed to go pick up her tabs. I really didn't want to because of how drained I was, but I knew she needed them back. Plus she wanted to go to the store, so I  offered to take her to Walmart since it was right across the street.

It took her almost no time to get the tabs and once we got to Walmart she gave me money to go to McDonald's to get something to eat and drink. Love Big Macs and they had two for $3.50. Can't beat a deal like that! Then after I ate, I realized that I wanted to get a woman's world and I wanted to check how much more 5-hour energy bottles were. Well, they were on sale! 2 for under $4. So I went in search of my mom. I almost walked by her, but she found me! Since the 5-hour energy was on sale, she got them for me and my magazine. Woman's World is the only magazine I get on a regular basis. I love them.

When I got home I just got online. Puttered around for a bit. I uploaded some pix onto yahoo. They weren't the best. I'll probably upload other pix tomorrow - maybe. I also got into my writing. It's still slow going, but it's coming along. I finally got to an interesting part where Laura was grabbed by someone in black and she was saved by this guy. His name is going to be Mathias, of course. I'm in the process of describing him. He has to have black hair and green eyes, of course. I just have to draw out more freaky stuff. I know I'm going to have her house broken into, but only a couple of things out of place. Maybe it starts getting more and more until she realized someone's been getting inside. I think the shop will be broken into as well and maybe even Angela's place. Maybe have her car's breaks were cut . . . Just stuff I'm thinking about. I still have yet to work on the prologue. I should probably start working on that tonight or tomorrow. I have never written stuff out of order before, but I think it's going to work. I'm still not sure how good the story is, but I'm enjoying writing it.

You know, the bad thing about the swimming at the gym though is that there's something in the water that makes me break out. At the moment I have several rashes and it sucks. I am going to keep using my ointment for rashes that the doctor gave me but I'm running out. I just hate itching all over. Why do I have to be the one with the sensitive skin?? Ugh!!

Anyway, nothing else has gone on. I am tired. I shouldn't say that I should sleep easily because I never do. Getting to sleep is a pain in the ass. I wish I could sleep easily, but it just doesn't come easy. I hope Karissa stays in most of the night with me though because tonight is supposed to drop down to 30 degrees F. Right now she's sleeping over by the window. I love having her with me. It really does make me feel better having her around. I love her so much. Thank god for her really.

Guess that's all there is. Emotionally I'm doing pretty good today. No real ups and downs. Just tired, but that's okay. I have had a good and busy day. Nothing to complain about except the stupid rashes! LOL! UGH!! :-P

Truly Sleeping Beauty

This will probably be one of my shortest entries ever. I literally spent almost all day sleeping. I stayed awake for a couple of hours today, but I was so tired I laid down and zonked out. I only woke up long enough for dinner and went to sleep again. I'm only awake now because I woke up in time to see most of "Royal Pains" and am going to finish "Fairly Legal". Hopefully I'll go back to sleep after that. But basically, I did no writing. No reading. Nothing of import. I was just freaken tired. Guess that's a good reason not to take so much stuff to help me sleep. I think I over did it and so the consequence was playing Sleeping Beauty today.

Well, tomorrow will be another day. An early day. Hopely my mind will feel fresh and alert unlike at the moment. LOL! Guess the only thing left is to take my night meds and go back to sleep. Just go easy on some of the meds.

Time to go back to playing Sleeping Beauty for now.

Put a Fork in Me! I'm Done!!

I have had a very long day. It's been a pretty good day, but a long one none the less. Though I didn't fall asleep until after 1:00am, I was awake at 6:30am like I said I'd do. I got Jordan up for school, took my 5-hour energy, got coffee and then waited for Cassie. She was supposed to go to school, but she wasn't feeling well. In fact, it was her stomach again. However, Jason and Susan took Cassie to Children's Urgent Care for me because I had a therapy appointment anyway, it turns out Cassie has Sinusitis and an ear infection. All the crap dripping down her throat into her stomach was causing the stomach trouble. Originally I was going to call her doctor and make an appointment and take her in myself. I was going to shoot for an afternoon appointment. The office was supposed to open at 8:30am. But I called for 10 minutes an NO ONE answered. I didn't get a person, voice mail or anything! And because of the time, I had to put it off so I could make it to my water aerobics class. It was very frustrating and pissed me off big time.

Anyway, I did make it to the gym and to my class. This time the class was definitely more of a work-out. In fact, I'm starting to feel it a bit. But I also did my extra 30 minutes of laps too. Then I hit the spa and then the shower. It was after that I finally called the doctor's office again only to find out that they were now booked up. All that left me was Children's Urgent Care.

On the way home I stopped at the store. I was famished!! I hadn't had anything other than coffee so not only did I get milk and cereal that we needed but I also got a cheesy pizza lunchable. It was the first one I've had in at least two years, I think. Maybe more. It was pretty good considering how hungry I was. I scarfed it down rather quickly. I also got water which I needed too since I forgot to take water with me to the gym. 

When I got home I got to spend time with Cassie. I let her play on the computer for awhile why I watched. Then my mom made some ramen noodles for Cassie and I. Then I got onto the computer for awhile. Originally Cassie was going to stay with me well into the evening because Jason and Susan were supposed to go to Disneyland, but they didn't and that's when they took her to Urgent Care for me.

I left about 4:15pm to head to my therapist. I went to get a diet Dr. Pepper from McDonald's and then I was supposed to get fuel, but when I drove by the gas station it was completely packed. Though I was down to 27 miles to empty, I pushed it. I made it there and found a gas station that was cheaper. I went there after my therapy appointment. At least I got a little more fuel than I would have gotten otherwise.

Therapy was good. I did a lot of talking about everything. I've actually been okay emotionally for the most part. I don't think I'm ever completely out of depression, but honestly I have been feeling pretty good. I'm just wondering if I should go to the gym tomorrow too. I might depending on how sore I am. I really like the class in the mornings and it would be something for my ass to get up for. Plus it's good for me. And anything that can help boost my mood . . . in fact, I think one of the reasons the 5-hour energy works so well and lifts my mood is because of all the B vitamins in it. I remember reading somewhere that B vitamins were a mood booster for people with depression. I can say it's worked for me! I just need to get more of those.

Well, other than that, not a lot else going on. I did a little writing today. Not much, but I got about half a page. It's better than none. My mind is working through some of the things that aren't quite as clear as they could be yet. But it's coming along. That's all I can say. My goal is at least half a page a day so at the moment I'm right on track.

Dinner was hot dogs. I know, how fantastic! LOL! But it got the job done. Plus my mother made pineapple upside-down cakes. OMG!! They are so good! I ate two pieces and in all honesty I could eat a whole cake by myself! But I'm going to be good and not get anymore tonight. Now I'm watching the premiere of "Ghost Hunters" and then I think I'm crashing. I am sooooooo tired. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight without too much difficulty. I think I might get lucky this time. LOL!

Tomorrow is sure to be a pretty good day too, I think. Maybe I'll get more writing done. I am not sure it's very good, but as long as I'm writing . . . I mean, that's the point at the moment. Just to keep writing. It's still not coming as easy as it used to, but at least it's coming. It's better than being stuck in the mud.

Okay, that's it. Time for bed . . . goodnight!

Good But Strangely Edgy

I woke up Jordan at 6:30am to go to school and I tried to go back to sleep. My idea was to sleep until 8:00am, but I was too tired to get up and I ended up awake at 10:30am and I still could have slept later. I've come to the decision that Monday thru Thursday I'll have to get up at 6:30am and just stay awake. The other days I'll try for 8:00am.

I didn't go to the gym today either. I figured that I might want to go every other day this week so I'm not so sore. I'm really not sore today, so I don't know what I would have felt like, but either way, this is the way it's going to be for this week. I'll figure out next week when I get there.

I also did a lot of writing today. My mind is starting to tell me it's not a good story. That it won't go anywhere. It's not worth my time. Failure, failure, failure, but I'm doing my best not to listen. I'm still going to keep plugging away and just ignoring that little annoying voice. Either way, I have my first book too. Last day of February I'm going to do something with it. I have decided that's the day. If I don't put down a day I'll keep putting it off and that story is too good to just let it rot and do nothing with it. It's not going to be easy. I'm not sure why, except that I did lose a lot of my confidence when I got all the rejection letters from the Agents. Of course, they hadn't even read my work, but I guess it really just affected me. That sort of anxiety and fear of failure comes up now when I look at the manuscript. I'll just have to fight it and do what I know I can do and then go back to pursuing publishing. I think we'll bypass agents this time around and go straight to publishers.

I don't know what the deal is though, but I have felt very edgy today too. I've been a little tired, though more at the moment. But I've been shaking a little bit on and off. It can't be the 5-hour energy because I didn't take one today and I doubt it was the coffee because it doesn't do that to me usually. I did have a bit of an anxiety attack today too and actually had to take an ativan. It eased things a bit, but I find I've been clenching my jaw too. I don't know. All I can do is take note and see what happens after that. Well, and see about staying as calm and relaxed as possible. Ha ha.

I did decide to asked another psychic my question. I don't know what will happen, of course. It could take a day or it could take 5 weeks to get an answer, but my gut says it's going to be a different answer than the previous one and even if it's not, I'm still going to do what I can do. The future isn't written in stone. What I think is funny is the site is like Psychic Bitch. LOL! And again, it's a site a found looking up Denise. :-P I saw her question and well . . . she didn't even spell her question right. I can't say too much myself. The reason I probably got a no with the other psychic was I had a typo that I didn't catch until it was too late. But with Denise, I know it's not a typo. She really doesn't spell that great. They were pretty mean to her about her spelling, but they are called Psychic Bitches for a reason. She was asking the same thing as I am, but she couldn't spell successful. She asked if she was going to be a successful writer and the response was "Not unless you learn how to spell." I don't know what they'll say to me, but at least I checked for typos before I sent it.

.

I went over to Jason and Susan's for dinner tonight. We had sloppy joes. They are definitely not my favorite food, but it wasn't as bad as I remembered them being. Cassie actually came home from school today because she was nauseous. It was good to see her and I got to hug and hold her for awhile. I think she didn't want me to go, so I guess she does miss me. She just doesn't miss this stupid house. I also got to hold Silky the snake again, which was very cool. Cassie seemed to feel and look a little better before I left, but I could tell she wasn't feeling good when I first showed up. I get to pick her up from school tomorrow. She's going to have to stay with me though. She's not going to like it, but it's how it is. I will be happy to have her with me though.

Anyway, I still feel edgy and I am feeling even more edgy because I'm tired. I watched "Dirty Jobs" and this new show after it, but I can't remember what it's called. "American Treasure" or something. I can say I've had a good day. I really have with all the writing I've gotten done and being able to see Cassie and all that. But it does suck to be edgy. Guess I'm just going to take my meds and go to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day.

Alive and Kicking Today

I got up early today! I got up at 8:00am, took my 5-hour energy and went to the gym! Not only did I do the water aerobics, but I also swam laps for another 30 minutes after that. I stayed too long in the spa though. It drained me too much and when I took my shower, I had to sit for a bit. After that, I stopped at the store and grabbed a water. I grabbed blueberries too, which I need to put into the fridge yet. Coming home, I pulled out the computer, puttered around for a bit and did some writing. I wrote a good page or two. I'm not sure the story is really interesting yet, but I'm hoping it's going to get interesting. I've already started having her feel like she's being watched. I think the feeling is going to continue into the Rehearsal dinner and it'll be the first time she meets the human Mathias. I also need to consider if I want to do something from the killer's point of view. I'm still working out a few things there.

Anyway, so I have had my writing going. I'm tired, but not overly tired. I'm watching "Chuck," then "Being Human" and "Hawaii 5-0" then I'm going to go to sleep.

I did try a free psychic reading today asking when I would get published and if it would be successful, but she said that she was picking up a lot about finances whether I was using too much money for this or losing money on it or something and that basically the answer was no. As for me, there is no finances involved with the writing. Plus, I've had other psychics tell me yes and my cards seem to tell me yes. I also asked the same question to another psychic and we'll see if she says the same thing or not. Either way I'm going to keep writing. But I just wish I knew the future. I suppose everyone wants that. I just want to be published. I want to know that I've done it and I want it to be read and enjoyed. Of course, making a little money would be good too. I don't know. I would just like to be successful. I guess we'll see what happens.

Anyway, today has been good. Tomorrow I'm going to try the same thing again! We'll see how it works out.

Odds 'N Ends

What can I say? The last two days have sucked. I was so depressed and tired yesterday that I didn't even make an entry here at all. I just laid down and went to sleep. Then even today I just didn't want to get up because of being tired and depressed so I didn't crawl out of bed until 2pm or later. Even then, I didn't leave the room. I ended up watching "Confessions of Animal Hording" or something like that on Animal Planet. My mom had made spaghetti so I did go out eventually and eat, but after that I went back to my room and watched more about the Animal Hording until I switched to the Food Network. I finally got to see almost an entire episode of "Restaurant: Impossible" which was great! I had wanted to see it, but it comes on when I have other things to watch so being able to see it today was nice. 

Jordan came into the room around then and wanted me to take him to go get something to eat. I also wanted something more, but I waited until the show was over and I talked him into getting me a shake with his money. So I took him to Beef and Bun. He got himself a big meal with a shake and got me a shake. Yum!! Then I went up to Walmart. I really wanted a new book since I finished "The Bone Garden" and just my luck I found "The Surgeon" by Tess Gerritsen, the same author. I also picked up some goodies that I probably shouldn't have, but oh well at this point.

Now I'm home. I am watching the finale of "Worst Cooks in America" followed by "Iron Chef America." My mother just came in yelling at me about Jordan. He's supposed to have done a few things today - including taking a shower and he didn't so she freaked out and yelled at me about it. There is only so much I can do about him. But tomorrow I'll try to get on his case and get him to do more of what he's supposed to do. That's the best I can do.

I do think tomorrow is going to be a better day. I have to set my alarm, but I'm going to get up around 8:00am and take the 5-hour energy then hopefully head to the gym. I have to get myself back together again. In fact, I'm also going to work on the writing tomorrow. I want myself heading back in the right direction again. I have had two days for "Oh poor me" now it's time to get going again.

Besides, I can't stay angry with Jason forever. I just can't! He's my brother!! At least that's how I look at him and that's how it's always going to be, I think. He just has to learn to keep his mouth shut or his texting fingers silent when he's angry so he doesn't lash out. Thank god this doesn't happen often, but he really did hurt me bad. But he loves me and I love him and that happens sometimes, right?

Anyway, the is ending on a relatively good note. Karissa has been with me almost all day. It was so funny. She liked to sleep on the clothes that were on my bed, but I folded them today. So what did she do? She went to my laundry hamper, knocked it over, crawled inside and went to sleep! LOL! That's a good memory I can keep to make me smile.

Well, time to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is going to be a better day! Maybe even one of the best!

Not Ready to Forgive

I am still tired. I have been tired all day. It's the depression that this whole thing with Jason has caused. All I want to do is sleep. What's funny is last night I was so upset I didn't get to sleep until 4:00am or so. The only things that have really made me smiled was having Karissa beside me. My kitty always makes me feel a little better. And then last night I got to see one of our racoons. I think it was Bandito because when he saw me looking right at him he came right up to the window to look at me. When Bandito was little he did the same thing. So that was nice. I love watching the racoons outside. I hope he has a place relatively warm to sleep tonight. It's pouring rain.

Anyway, I slept until around 1:00pm. I tried to putting around the computer today, but there was nothing I wanted to do. Forget about writing today. I can barely think straight as it is. Depression like this can do that to me. It sucks. I laid down for most of the afternoon drifting in and out of sleep. I woke up to have dinner though. My mom cooked steak. I wasn't about to pass that up. But now I'm awake. I don't want to be. I want to be asleep. So I think I might take my night meds and try to go back to sleep.

I did hear from Jason today. A texted that said "This world would be better off without me because I always hurt the ones I love." I wouldn't say it would be better off without him. That would be mean and this is just a momentary thing, BUT this is what he does. He does hurt those around him because he doesn't get his way or he's told he's wrong or he's tired . . . then all he can do is say sorry I was grumpy . . . whatever. Right now I am not in the mood to deal with it. In the morning I'm still doing a ticket buy with Susan. Jordan is coming and I think Alicia is too. I know they want to see each other. I don't mind seeing Susan. None of this is her fault. I just want to feel better and right now as long as I am upset and hurt I don't want to deal with Jason.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be in a more forgiving mood, but as it stands now I'm no.



Pissed On - Pissed Off

Oh my god, I am so upset. It's gone down from pissed off. I was having a good day until I went to Jason and Susan's! My mom and I had gone to Walmart. I even found clothes there in my size which has NEVER happened before. I was able to get a "Woman's World" magazine and some 5-hour energy bottles. I was really feeling great! Had Big Mac's for lunch. My mother and I weren't fighting. Then we came home and Jason called inviting me over for dinner. I almost declined because I didn't want to upset my mother, but she told me to go ahead and go so I did.

Well, I get a call on the way over there (which I should have just turned around and gone home if I'd been smart, except I wanted to see Cassie) that he wanted me to take Cassie home for a few days because she'd been mouthing off to him. Part of it is her being a teenager and the rest is just her. But I agreed that it shouldn't be constant. Still, I thought it was a bit much. Plus he was complaining that he didn't want her room to be painted black! And this after he already said yes!! I tried explaining to him that you can't say yes then turn around and say no just because you've changed your mind.

This continued once I got there. I eventually said that I didn't see the big deal and that he can't just change his mind. That's what gets people upset. If you don't know say let me think about it before saying yes then changing your mind! He basically got mad at me saying he doesn't have a say in his house. Whatever. He went into the bedroom and I just let him go. But then when Susan comes back and starts dinner he starts texting me telling me to take Cassie and go. Or just telling me to leave. As the night progressed he got very nasty about how I was eating his food. He fucking invited me over. He also said that when I pay for something I can have a say?? My fucking daughter! She's only over there because I thought it was the best place for here to be and usually it is, but this shit was too much. I don't need to be told to, "Get out after you've eaten my food and laughed it up!" And if that wasn't bad enough he does all this through texting. He texts and says Cassie can stay if she'll apologize to him. She didn't want to because she had earlier and she was ticked with him too. But she went in and as soon as she was in there, he told her to go home. So I was like FINE! Told Cassie to pack up her stuff that I'd be waiting in the car. It took a little time, but she came out with her stuff. And get this, no sooner had I started pulling away he was texting her to come back!!!! I was like, "Fuck you." And kept going home. Cassie wasn't happy with him either. But they kept at her and she wasn't home long before Susan talked her into going back. So Susan picked her up. But I am still very upset. I don't care that he apologized. He thinks he can lash out at whoever he wants for whatever fucking reason and that as long as he says he's sorry it's all okay. I'm just too pissed to accept it. Maybe I will tomorrow, but not now. I am too hurt and too upset.

I kind of feel like crying. I did do some writing, but it was really hard for me tonight - no doubt because of this shit. God knows I won't be writing anything else tonight. I have to sort out the next scene in the story anyway and if I want to bring in the man Mathias now or later. Maybe later. I'll have to see what seems to work. I just want to throw myself into my writing tomorrow. I'd like to get more than a page done at a time. Guess we'll find out. I just hope the story isn't too boring so far.

Anyway, it'll be a miracle if I can sleep tonight with how worked up I am. I'm going to try because I want to wake up earlier than usual tomorrow. I have my 5-hour energy and I'm going to use it three mornings in a row and see if I can't change my sleeping habits. I doubt I'm going to want to wake up tomorrow either, but I need to get myself up in the mornings. I need to go back to the gym. I just feel so crappy now. I feel like crying. He doesn't deserve to have my little girl, but she wants to be there and I trust Susan. Right now I am just so upset with Jason. You don't treat friends that way - especially friends you consider family! Sometimes life just sucks, I guess.

Getting Out of the Blues!

Well, today has been quite an emotional day for me. I slept late again. Looks like I'm not making any progress about waking up early. It's hit and miss, but it just comes down to the fact that when I'm sleeping I just don't want to wake up. I guess that part of me is just damaged for good. I am not a morning person. I need to be though so that I can start going back to the gym and swim again. I could use the exercise and it would be in my best interests. Maybe I'll make more of an effort after Aunt Flo leaves for the month, which should be in a day or two. Then I'll be myself again.

Cassie walked home from school today. Guess she was supposed to stay for tutoring, but Mrs. Barrick wasn't there and she won't stay for Mrs. Manns. The woman really is lacking as a teacher. I don't know if this is true, but Cassie said the the woman said everyone was failing her class except one girl. If that was true, what does that say about her being a teacher?? I was temped to call the school, but I haven't. I am, however, keeping it open as a possibility. Ugh! I never liked school. It's a necessary evil, but there will always be those people, be them teachers, students or staff that get pleasure messing up people's lives. When Cassie was in grade school, it was the school Counselor. God that woman was a BITCH! I think I got her into trouble with the school too, though. I wasn't quiet about my dislike of her. The staff of the school seemed to agree with me. That's sad.

Anyway, Cassie had an opportunity to stay with me until 8:00pm tonight and instead of taking it, she wanted to get picked up early. That kind of put me into a funk for awhile. I mean, I know it's not me. It's the house. It's my mother. But how do you not take something like that personal, you know? So I felt sorry for myself for a bit. I had to go to Albertson's to pick up some milk and stuff, so they picked her up in the parking lot. But a good thing inside the store was they had Valentine's candy 50% off! And they had a good selection so I got Reese's hearts, Conversation Heart - because those are a must and I hadn't gotten any yet, and then I got I<3U peeps. Of course, the heart was the right way, not sideways. LOL! I love peeps!! In fact, I'm snacking on those right now. Anyway, other than that and the milk and other stuff I also picked up chocolate raspberry coffee creamer! It sounded too.

I was still depressed when I got home and I ended up blogging on another site about it. Just enough to get my emotions out a bit. Then I also put on Project Playlist and started listening to my music and each song made me feeling better and better. Also, when I was writing on the other blog, I came up with something I needed to do for my story - characters. So I took the time to write out my character. Her family. Her friends . . . occupations. Approximately what some of them looked like . . . I spent a good hour or two on it and got some ideas for the story as well. And the music really lifted my spirits! Probably the one song I knew I was feeling better on was "Play the funky music, white boy." That's just a great song to get someone feeling better. Anyway, so as glum as I was I really perked up between the music and my writing. And to think I wasn't so sure I was going to write anything today at all because of how I was feeling. LOL! Tomorrow I go back to the story because I know exactly where I'm going to pick up from. Though I think I might change her background just a little bit. In fact, I just did and I think what I have will work out even better now. Because of her daughter and injury to herself, the guy was put on Death Row. He might not be able to escape prison and come after her, but if he has a brother . . .

Okay, guess that's about it. I feel much better than I did. My writing has been productive. I have had Karissa with me almost all day, which has been fantastic. If I can't have Cassie at least I have Karissa with me. Now I'm just going to sit back, relax. Maybe write down a few more notes for the story and watch the finale of "Ghost Hunters International" and "Face/Off". Tomorrow will be a better day. :-)

 

Something's Just Off

I'm writing this blog earlier than usually because I don't feel so great. I was fantastic this morning. Even after not getting enough sleep. I took a 5hour Energy and it was great! Perked me up. Kept me steady. But I also drank coffee and I'm wondering if the combination wasn't a good one. It didn't happen until after the second coffee though so maybe next time I take a 5hour energy I'll go easy on the coffee and see what happens. But also I've been more emotional today - more this afternoon. I had to cancel going over to Jason and Susan's for dinner. My mom had made a Sheppherd's pie and if I'd gone she would have been upset with me. But then I was worried that Jason was mad at me. I think he is, but he won't say it and I felt HORRIBLE that I missed a chance to see Cassie. Especially because last night I was kind of depressed after she left. Between feeling a little anxious, a little depressed and my stomach hurting I just feel really off. But I can't say I'm seriously depressed or anxious. It's just annoying enough for me to know it's there.

Of course, even Jordan felt off. I woke him at 6:30am and because he didn't feel very good, he went to bed at like 5:30pm. I just hope he's not getting sick.

I did get some good stuff done today. I cleaned up a lot of my room - at least where the biggest mess was. I just have a bag and a box that I need to figure out what to do with, but I was just happy that I have gotten most of the trash out. That my room looks more like a room now, rather than a dump. Tomorrow I'll tackle the bed, I think. Maybe I'll get to my corner. Though I have to say my corner really isn't too terrible actually. I can get to everything and it doesn't look too bad.  So we'll see . . .

Another good thing about today is I got some writing done! I also did research about being a wedding planner for my character. I talked to a very nice woman named Laura who was kind enough to answer all my questions. I think now I can get a handle on what my character's going to go through, though I don't think she'll be as busy as Laura! LOL! So that's gone well and I might even get another calendar for my character to set out her schedule as a reference so it's realistic. Soon I'll need to bring in some creepy stuff - stalkerish stuff. I'll have to think on what to do. Just has to be stuff that's unsettling. Maybe like someone's been in her house. Nothing's been taken. Just a couple of things moved. Maybe . . .

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better at the moment. I am exhausted, but I only got about four-five hours of broken sleep. I guess that would make anyone feel off just that. But it's different for me since I have stayed up 36-48 hours straight and not get like this. But being on my period and having PMS well, guess that just makes for a feeling off day. 

Other than that, the only other thing I did today was take my mom to a dental appointment. She ended up needing as filling and they called me to tell me. I asked how long it was going to take and I was thining an hour and a half for everything or something. Nope, they tell me 30-40 minutes. Man, I had my book "The Bone Garden" and just read. In fact, she could have stayed longer and I wouldn't have minded with how much I was into the book. I might do a little more reading before "Dirty Jobs" though I'm wondering if I'll make it through the new one. I am so exhausted. I hope sleep won't be a problem tonight, though I don't have a good track record with it. All I can do is take my night meds, try to relax and hopefully drift to sleep. 

Okay, that's enough for now. Tomorrow will be another day and hopefully this feeling will be gone.

  

Valentine with a Black Veil

Today on this special day of days I don't have a boyfriend. You know, I'm okay with that! I don't need a guy in my life to make me feel important. It is kinda sad that I don't have any romance in my life, but I'm okay with that too. I live vicaraiously through movies and TV. LOL! And besides, I had the best Valentine of all today - my daughter!! :-) I picked her up from school. We did a couple of errands. I had to get a money order for my car insurance and crickets for Tubbie. After that Jordan showed us some youtube vids that were really creepy. I think the account was intotheark. It's pretty good for creeping one out. The kids want to think it's completely real. Like in the vain of Paranormal activity or Blairwitch Project. It's interesting. But there is no way in the world I'm buying what they're selling! LOL! The Slender Man might be real for some people, but I'm not one of them. Then my mother was too tired to fix dinner and being Valentine's Day anyway, she gave me the money to go to McDonald's. I got burgers and fries for all of us. Cassie came with me. We had to mail a few things anyway. 

I do miss her already. Sometimes I wonder if it's harder seeing her. Not that I would EVER NOT see her. She's my baby. But I do feel the under-current back. Maybe it's a little PMS, but it's also hard to have my girl gone. I'd like a day like this once a week and I don't think she does. She doesn't like this house. I know it's not me. It used to feel that way, but she always wants me to go over there. This stupid freakin house . . . Well . . . the old woman in the house anyway. I just have to get passed this and then I'll be fine. But this one might take a day or two. I hate feeling this way. It feels like the darkness is just coming and even though I think I can get through it, it still feels like it's going to swallow me. I even wrote a poem.

The Darkness comes

In a whisper

Slipping silently by

Engulfing all in it's path

Leaving nothing untouched . . .

I just keep telling myself I'll be okay. I just need to remember that things are the way they are for a reason. It's what's best.

You know, I thought I'd be happier today because I spent time with her, but I don't know. I guess it just reminds me how much I miss her and how much she hates to be here. Okay, I don't want to cry. Maybe I'll go out to Vons for a minute or two and get a Woman's World. That might make me feel a little better. Maybe get some water too. Hope tomorrow is better.

Mother, May I Have Some Aggravation??

So much for waking up early. I tried but I couldn't stay awake. I ended up going back to sleep. Ugh! Jordan woke me up at 2:00pm which was better than letting me keep sleeping. Of course, what he wanted was to go to Wendy's. We actually went into the place rather than going through the Drive-Thru. I don't like going in though. There were all kinds of teeny-boppers were there. Though I didn't hear anything derogatory I did hear laughing. It would be nice if I weren't being paranoid, but in all likelihood they were laughing about me and how fat I am. Ah well . . . It's just something I have to deal with. It's not exactly like I'm devoted to losing weight. I should, but I'm not. I ended up getting Spicy Asian Chicken with a large drink and a strawberry shake. Jordan got a hamburger combo. After that, I wanted to send him into the store to get my Woman's World, but he wouldn't. So instead I went to get fuel for the car. He went in to pay for the fuel and I had him get me a U-NO bar. I love those things!

Then when we get home and my mom finds out we went to Wendy's she becomes a bitch!! I don't understand why . . . She needed to get her medication from the pharmacy so I grabbed my book and took her. She wouldn't talk to me the whole time I drove her there and barely said anything to me on the way back. Then she blew up because Jordan was sleep and he hadn't waited to water. I told my mom I could water the front yard and she still slipped out! I offered! So she rants and raves for several more minutes and finally she came back and I told her that when she was gone it was MY JOB to water the front yard. Jordan took care of the side and the back. Finally she wanted me to go do it. And I did without a problem. It's just annoying how she deals with things. I mean, she's very passive/aggressive. She doesn't know HOW to be assertive. Talking normal about something that upsets her is impossible. She'd rather have her bitching and moaning and nothing getting done rather than talk about it and work with people. Then she wonders why Cassie doesn't want to come home! Gee, Mom, you don't think it might be you and your attitude, do you?? UGH!!! Just so aggrivated with her!!!

After that though, I got online. I checked all my sites and then I did my search for Denise. It really is obsessive. I even found Heather and Kenneth. I looked up Kenneth and found this place http://www.myyearbook.com/. It's a fun site and it's fun to put your profile together and all. But on the other hand, it runs really, really slowly. Something about it makes my computer run slow and I have a centrino Duo processor. Anyway, I wouldn't have found it had it not been for that search! I tell you, I find the most interesting sites doing these searches! LOL! I guess even Ex-Friends can be useful. 

I do have to admit that since reading Denise's last statement on Yahoo where she was giving up on everything, as much as part of me was going HA! There was part of me that just felt bad for her. So much so that I actually dreamed about her last night and that we were friends again. But the feel was different. Like she was more of a kid. It was an interesting dream. Wish I remembered more of it. I mean, I don't want her to succeed in writing because of how she's treated Nicole and I. But I don't want to see her suffer either. She doesn't have the gift of writing. If she had, she would have gotten somewhere by now. She's put a lot of effort into trying to get published. I haven't put forth that much effort yet. But the time is coming. I just have to ready myself.

Anyway, I started reading "The Bone Garden" by Tess Gerritsen. It's good. I also watched "Worst Cooks in America" and "Iron Chef America." I didn't, however, do any writing today. I think I'm going to make sure I set aside time tomorrow to work on my story and also I want to set a date for editing "Assassin's Seduction." I'm leaning toward doing it February 28th. That's not that far away, but it's not tomorrow either. So I think that will work. I just need to move forward. That's the only way I'll really get my confidence back and I know I can do it. 

I guess emotionally I'm okay. I'm a bit more emotional and more ready to argue, but I'm hoping that will settle down over the next couple of days. I'm also hoping that I won't get bad cramps either. Yep! Aunt Flo is here. At least the PMS hasn't been terrible yet. Maybe this month I'll be okay.

Well, I think it's time for me to wrap up a bit and go to sleep. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I get to pick up my baby girl from school and spend the day with her! :-) Yay! I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I also want to wake up early. I'm NOT giving up! LOL! So we try again!

Ticket Buying Fun!

Today is the beginning of my more early rising. In fact, I'm going to set the alarm and be up by 9:00am. I had to get up early for the Ticket Buy. I got Jordan to take a shower last night and this morning I got dressed, grabbed coffee and Jordan and got going. It had been so long since I'd gone on a ticket buy! But it was fun. We met up with Susan, Cassie, Paige and Alicia which was perfect. Cassie had brought her snake though it was really too cold for him. He spent time curled up in people's sleeves and stuff. LOL! He's a beautiful snake and so little!! He's so cute!! I hated sitting in the cold and it took forever for them to give out number wristbands. Usually they do it early, then everyone breaks up and then comes back to hear what number is first and then line up. But not this time. Then they had someone new also who had everyone line up when you don't line up without wristbands! That eventually was corrected. I felt sorry for Cassie and Paige. They got farther back in the line. But we all bought tickets and we all got money. I got $25 for just a few hours. It's not too bad and it was extra money I needed. I ended taking Paige home while Susan took Alicia back home - along with Jordan and Cassie. I was glad to get home though. I had another huge iced coffee, but it didn't perk me up at all! LOL!

When Jordan came home, he had my money for me. He'd already spent his money on a game for his Xbox 360. He says he still has money left so, that's good. I was too tired to go out for any reason. In fact, I thought I'd take a nap, but instead I ended up reading the rest of "The Chronicles of Riddick." I finally will start a new book either tonight or tomorrow - "The Bone Garden" by Tess Gerritsen.

Anyway, I thought I'd be too tired to write today, but instead I managed almost another full page. It's really coming along nicely! I'm not sure how interesting the book is yet, but we'll see. I still have to write that prologue! It's just nice to be writing and enjoying it, having that sense that the story will continue to bloom as I write. It helps that one of the characters is a cat and since I love cats it's easy for me to write them. Plus, my kitty Karissa has been by my side all day - at least since I've been back. Her presence calms me and makes me smile. I don't feel alone when she's with me.

Well, not sure whatelse I'm going to do. I have no shows tonight and I'm really, really tired. I'm about ready to take my night meds and just go to sleep. Who cares if it's just 7:40pm. It will make tomorrow morning easier too. I can say that today has been a good day! I don't feel the under-current at the moment, which is AWESOME! Don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I'm going to think positive. Either way, I'm thinking tomorrow I get a woman's world and maybe a Dr. Pepper from McDonald's. LOL! But that's for tomorrow. Tonight it's time for sleep. And it's a good, well-deserved sleep tonight I think. Good, huh? Maybe I'll write a couple of notes before I go to sleep, but either way, it's nite nite.

Goodnight!!

See's Candy, A Snake and Writing . . .

I'm tired yet again. Ugh! And again I have slept all day. Tomorrow morning I'm waking up early. I have a ticket buy. I can use the money and maybe it will be the start of me getting up a little earlier. The thing is I didn't want to get up and that's the thing I have to keep fighting. That need to just want to stay in bed. I suppose it's still part of the depression manifesting itself. I have been okay, but I still am feeling it. The damn depression is just under the surface and that makes me tired too.

Things haven't been bad today at all. I finally got up and got dressed. I had to eat so I finally tried my cranberry apple butter on Hawaiian bread. OMG! That was really yummy. Then I just had a couple of yogurts and a banana. From there I took my mom up to Grossmont Center because my mom wanted to go to See's candy and pick up a couple of boxes. I know she's sending them to Diana. Wish I had a box! I love See's candy. She did bring me a couple of sample pieces they were handing out. Yum! So at least I got a taste. It's better than nothing. After that, my mom wanted to go to the 99cent store. I went in long enough to get something to drink and a penguin calendar. Then I just went back to the car and read some more of "The Chronicles of Riddick" which I've gotten through about 240 pages, give or take.

We'd had to wake up Jordan before we left in the gardener finally came, though I have to say I didn't think he was going to show. I did have a fleeting thought as we were leave that he would show up because I was so sure he wasn't. LOL! So when Jordan called and told me the Gardener was there I kinda laughed. Personally I didn't think the guy was ever showing up again! He still didn't do everything my mom wanted him to. He better get his act together next month or my mom might get upset enough to fire him.

Anyway, dinner was good; a salad with tuna and two quesadillas. I also did some writing on my new story. So far so good. I need to come up with the next thing though. But I have faith it will come to me. After all, the premise came to me easy enough. I'm still working on developing the characters. I have Mathias the cat down pretty well. Now I have to work on the human part. The woman Laura is easy. She's one of the many versions of me. I can identify with her. I guess I'll think on the next section for awhile and I know something will come to me. I think I like this story idea better than the other one I had and that one is great too! I guess I've just been blessed with creativity lately. For awhile, I thought it was gone and now it's come back full force. I need to pick a date to do the edits on my first book. I think if I don't I will keep putting it off. Of course, now I'm going to put that off until tomorrow. LOL! But I have to get back to that. I want to stop being afraid. I know it's a good story. It will be even better when I do the edits. Time to work on my confidence. 

Well, there isn't much else going on tonight. I might try to write a little more though it's more likely that I'm going to finish watching "Ocean's Thirteen" and maybe "Merlin." I have to stay awake long enough to have Jordan take a shower since he'll be coming to the ticket buy with me. And his girlfriend wants to see him! 

Of course, on a sad note, Cassie's boyfriend broke up with her today. It sucked. She's doing okay. She was upset at first, but she's okay with it now. It just sucks that it had to happen right before Valentine's Day. Then again, she also got her corn snake today! It's black and gray. She's in love with it. :-) I knew she would be. She loves snakes. I'm sure having that distraction helped her a lot.

Anyway, it's been an eventful day. All's well at the moment. Now I'm going to go eat a Reese's Big Cup and take my medication. Oh and set my alarm! :-P So that's it for now.   

Contemplation of the Past and Future

Not sure what to say about today really. I woke up LATE again. My mother was supposed to wake me around noon if I wasn't awake. She didn't so I just kept sleeping and sleeping. I might as well have been Sleeping Beauty. It was 3:00pm before I finally opened my eyes and were able to keep them open. I did try to wake up earlier, but for whatever reason I just couldn't keep my eyes open. In fact, I did a lot of dreaming again. Maybe that had something to do with it. I haven't dreamed so much in a long time so guess that means my mind is working overtime.

Anyway, I just got online and played for awhile. In fact, I was just feeding my virtual pets in Happy Pets when my mother told me dinner was ready. She had ribs going tonight! MMMMM! They were rather yummy. Then I went back online. I added a couple of songs to my Project Playlist and then I decided to work on another idea for a story I had. This one is still formulating, but the first part to come to me is a cat that can change into a man. As cat he's a bit of a comforter for her and a bit of a protector where as the man falls in love with her. The other part of the story is a man killed her daughter - a man they knew and she testified against him sending him to jail. He escapes and comes after her. I have to have several ideas to drag this out, but I haven't formulated everything yet. I am already on page three. But I have to write a prologue. It's going to be like a newspaper article about the daughter's death and the man convicted of the crime. I did also find online a quick little article about telling versus showing in writing. I'm trying to take it to heart and try to do both. Though showing is MUCH better than telling, only I do a lot of telling in my writing. I'd like to ease up on that a bit and do more showing, now that I understand exactly what that means. I'm not ready for strangers to critique any of my work, but I'm open to learning better ways to work my craft.

You know, I have to be slightly obsessed with my Ex-Friend Denise. I do too many searches on her. The cool thing is that I learn about new sites by doing it. Like I wouldn't have found Spiritual Networks without her and I wouldn't have found Free Psychic Network and their Ask it. I asked a question and am interested in knowing what the answer will be. I hope I get an answer though Denise didn't get any. I have to say I do get nostalgic sometimes and think about writing her. Then reality sets in and I remember all the drama and the crap she put me and Nicole through, and she used her kids to create drama too. I NEVER want that in my life again. But keeping track of her gives me a certain amount of satisfaction. I'm a twisted individual and finding out when she's not doing well with her writing, I get this feeling of being justified. Especially after I found out she told John I had tried to steal her story ideas . . . yeah . . . They're not that good, honey! She was just pissed because I didn't want to write her story for her! But it wasn't mine to write. Plain and simple and she was so obsessive with it. Called me every day about that stupid story. Most of her ideas so childish . . . Well, let her think she's going to get anywhere. She won't unless she finds someone else to write for her. Either you have the skill or you don't. At least that's how I look at it. I won't say I'm the greatest writer because I'm not, but I love writing. I have a passion for it and my stories are pretty good. I've been told by teachers over the years and by other people. I know I'm good.

Anyway, I need to just relax and work on my own writing. I still haven't gone back to my first book and done the edits, but I'm getting closer to it. I know out of everything I've written it's the one thing I can get published. Even if it's just in a collection. Either way, to get published would be the pinnacle of my existence. Getting paid would be the wonderful icing on the cake. I just have to stop being afraid. After all the rejections I guess I got scared. Felt rejected. I need to get passed that, especially if I'm going to get anywhere with my writing. Guess I'll just have to set a date and say to myself "THAT is when I'm going to get to editing!" I'll look at the calendar and make up my mind. Then I'll stick to it! That's the important thing.

I did get a chance to watch "Royal Pains" and "Fairly Legal." Both shows were great! I even watched most of "White Collar" - another good show. But really, Jordan and I were waiting for my mother to go to sleep so we could slip out. We went to Walmart and got snacks - of course. I got chips, dip, cookies . . . More than I should have gotten. Jordan got twizzlers, airheads and pringles. Since being home I tried a little of everything of mine. The salsa cheese dip is so good, but wow the spice burned my mouth. I'm very sensitive. LOL! Anyway, now I am winding this up as I watch "House". Karissa is comfortably sleeping behind me cuddled in the blankets and I'm starting to yawn. I think I might go to sleep soon. My mom IS waking me up early tomorrow. Well . . . noon. Gotta sleep. Nite.

Fighting the Under-Current

Today hasn't been a bad day, but it hasn't exactly been a great day either. I woke up to phone calls. Greg's Dad died this morning at 5:44am. Greg said he was doing okay. He had already cried so much he just couldn't cry anymore. I felt really bad for him. I let him talk and I tried to distract him with part of a crazy dream I had. It was really kind of scary. I was by a lake or something with a group of people. The leader was saying how it was important NOT to go into the water. At that point a person or two fell in and were immediately attacked. Suddenly I was under the water with a boy - maybe teen/young adult - and we were at the bottom of the lake (almost like the bottom of a pool) and he was thrashing around. I kept telling him to stay still as we watched the sharks. Then they started coming toward us. I told him to stay still again and finally he stopped thrashing his legs around, but the sharks were alrady coming toward us and I was just praying that they couldn't see us once we went still. I woke up before I could find out. Then there was another strange little dream where I was able to do magic. I took a rock and changed something on it. The magic was new to me. Then I moved my hand over it and created a flower on the rock. It looked like a frosting flower. Then after I got off the phone with Greg, I ended up going back to sleep and had another dream. I was making out with some guy and we were in a room that looked into a classroom. We were only separated by a bit of wall and a sheer red curtain. We're just about to have sex when it dawns on me where we are and I was like, "We can't. Not here." And I started getting dressed again. I suppose it's no wonder I woke up tired. Too much dreaming.

Once I woke up I got some coffee, chatted with my mom for awhile and then watched some TV while creating a profile on Spiritual Networks. Not sure why I did, except that Denise has a site there and it looked interesting enough, though not very busy. It did keep me busy before I headed out to take a shower. I had Therapy today and definitely needed the shower and a change of clean clothes. On the way to therapy I stopped at McDonald's for a diet Dr. Pepper. I knew I needed this therapy appointment because even though I have been okay and mostly even-keeled, there was this feeling of deep unrest inside me. Like there was some darkness coming. No matter how I try to keep from being negative or depressing I can't seem to stay positive for long. So even though I really am okay at the moment and the day has been okay, I feel like this darkness is just under the surface. I've also been acutely aware of changes in mood of those around me. It's unsettling. Before my appointment with my therapist there was a couple there talking about who I assume was their daughter. They were talking about her grades and if she didn't pull them up something or other she wanted was going to be a no. For some reason it set off a panic attack. It didn't last long, but it was enough to get my heart going good and for me to feel a little breathless. I'm not even sure what it was about the conversation that set me off.

I talked to my therapist about things going on and about this darkness. I also talked about how some things were a little stressing just because I was nuts. I did a tarot reading for the year for myself and the Tower came up in May with Wheel of Fortune and 3 of Wands. I don't usually put much stock in stuff like this, because I always feel strange doing readings for myself. But I did predict when I was going to get pregnant with my daughter so . . . Of course, on the flip side of that October is supposed to be stellar!! Anyway, I just keep thinking what could go wrong. Then my mother has still been on my ass to get Cassie home for a couple of days, like that's going to make any kind of difference. I know she's worried about me possibly getting in trouble with Welfare, but I'm doing what's in her best interest and since I have the bipolar disorder that would have to be taken into consideration. But even my therapist thinks in all honesty that it won't come to that. I mean, no one is going to get me into trouble. No one would want to. But I don't go around telling people. Neither does Jason and Susan.

The other thing that I have worried about a great deal is my mother passing away. I don't know what to do if that happens. I won't have a place to live. I'll have to move somewhere and hope to god that I have the money to do that. I have thought about moving in with Greg, but honestly that would be a last resort. He looks good - much better than he has in a very long time, but he still isn't someone I look at as a partner for life. My therapist did try to reassure me that my siblings couldn't just kick me out. That they HAVE to follow what the Trust says. They can't just take things. I mean, I don't really care about anything here, but I don't want Wes to show up and make my life hell because he can. He is such an asshole. I hate the fact that he's my brother. This is why I have my family of friends. THEY are my real family. I have all kinds of brothers and sisters that matter to me.

All in all, I guess he did a good job of easing my mind, but I'm still feeling the under-current. I'm probably also PMSing, which could account for it too. I don't respond well to the hormonal shifts. It can make me want to cry, feel like I'm losing my mind, irritable or so emotionally unstable I want to go to the hospital. My PMS or PMDD is just WONDERFUL! I LOVE having it . . .  NOT!!!

Anyway, after therapy I went over to Jason and Susan's for dinner. Susan made Beef Noodles. It was good and I got to see Cassie. LOL! She wanted to play on my laptop so me being the mom I am, I let her! :-P My kids love my laptop! Anyway, Paige was over and we watched American Idol tonight - Last city looking for hopefuls. Some stories were incredible. I don't watch American Idol, but I don't mind watching it at their house. I just don't watch it on my own. Eventually I had to say good night. Got lots of hugs and kisses then left. On the way home, I stopped at got fuel - which I desperatly needed. Picked up a U-No chocolate bar (they remind me of my dad) and then stopped at McDonald's again for another Diet Dr. Pepper. Yeah, it's been a Diet Dr. Pepper day for me. I have enough money to get two more of them over the next day or two.

Well, now I'm home. Watched "Ghost Hunters Internation" and "Face/Off". I need to take my medication and see about going to sleep. I still didn't get any writing done, but on the other hand I came up with another idea that I might try to develope too as another story, but it has to have more of a storyline than what I have. I've got a lot to think about. I also thought about writing out things maybe about my life and then try to assemble it in a book or something. I don't know. That was just another thought. I am also going to try to get back into my poetry writing. It used to be a stellar way for me to work through some feelings, but I haven't written consistently in years. Guess we'll see what happens.

Okay, time for medication. Maybe I'll write out some notes or something before I go to sleep. That will count as writing for me.

Smiling!

Not that the day started bad or anything, but tonight has made me smile and laugh a lot. Then again, between watching repeat "Pawn Stars", "Dirty Jobs" and "Auction Kings" it would be hard not to smile! I think "Dirty Jobs" probably has had the best impact. Watching Mike Rowe make stinky boot jelly bellies and making blueberry pies, wearing the pie hat definitely had me smiling. LOL! Also I heard from Jason tonight. He told me how much Cassie misses me. I told him it was nice that she missed me. Apparently he told her and her response was "When do I not miss her?" So THAT was a big reason for me to smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm going over there tomorrow night for dinner and to spend time with her.

Other than that, the day was relatively normal. My mom woke me up at about a quarter to noon. But I wanted to sleep a little longer. I did nap for about 20 minutes and then I got up, got dressed, got my coffee and took my mom to Costco. I didn't really want to go, but she needed to. So we split the list she had in half. I took one, she took the other. We set a meeting place and headed out. I was responsible for fruits and veggies, tuna, salmon . . . She took care of the paper products and stuff. I was done sooner than her so I took a seat at our meeting up place and pulled out my book, "Chronicles of Riddick" and read awhile. The book has gotten much better and I'm definitely more into it now. Guess it just started off slow.

Anyway, before we left we got a pizza. It was nice to have as a late lunch. Then while we ate it, Jordan and I watched the History Channel special "Jesse James Treasure." He was actually into it! It was awesome. We got to talk a little about how Jesse James hadn't been killed. That he faked his death and lived on. His great-great grandson looks almost exactly like him!! I mean, come on, right? So that kind of made the afternoon real special.

I still didn't do any writing today. I'm putting it off one more day. I just need to wake up not tired. I actually want to get another 5-hour energy. That worked so well when I used it that one time. Makes me want to get more. Next month I might get a box of them. I was going to see if my mom would get me a box of them at Costco, that was until I saw how much they wanted. They wanted almost $40! That's too much to ask her for so I didn't. She also said that I should be able to find them at Walmart for around $20. I doubt the box is that cheap, but it's definitely worth looking into.

Anyway, it's been a decent day and a good night. I do have to admit that I miss Cassie myself. I always do - every minute of every day. But knowing she misses me helps me through the tough moments. I'm going to think positive again and that tomorrow is going to be another good day - positive, positive day!

Exhausted

Well, I can say I didn't sleep the day awake which I guess is a significant improvement. However, I didn't sleep last night. I think I might have gotten a few minutes here and there, but I basically didn't really sleep. In fact, I tried to sleep this morning. That didn't work either so I ended up getting up, getting dressed and getting me my coffee. I have missed my coffee since I won't drink it when I sleep late.

Anyway, I needed to do shopping so I got the list my mother made and headed to Walmart. I got a couple other things that weren't on the list, but figured we'd need; like tortillas. Then I swung by Trader Joe's. I picked up some hummus and my favorite chicken cesar wrap. That was my lunch. After that I went to Vons. Had to get a Pork Shoulder. I also grabbed some oranges and fruit juice I could drink fast. So I pretty much spent the morning shopping.

When I got home I really didn't do much. Watched TV - there was a mini-marathon of "Law and Order: Criminal Intent." I am way too tired to do any writing tonight so it's put off until tomorrow. I still want my confidence back. I know I'm a good writer, but some part of me refuses to believe it now. It sucks. All I've wanted to be since I was a teen was a writer. I thought I had a shot and I still think I do, but I just can't get over this feeling that I'm just not good enough. Story of my life, I guess. Never feeling good enough, always feeling like I've somehow failed or I'm just inherently bad. Don't get me wrong. I'm not depressed at the moment. In fact, I've been good with a few moments of being down here and there, but no monumental depression. In fact I even saw Cassie today. Her arm/shoulder was hurting again. Apparently she got dog piled on at her boyfriend's house on Superbowl Sunday. The doctor sent her to get X-rays, but as they were going up to Childrens they had to stop by and get her insurance cards. I need to write out a note though that gives Jason and Susan the authorization to get medical care for Cassie. It will just make things like this easier instead of them calling me to get authorization. I do worry it's going to raise too many questions, but I figure it will work out in the end.

Patty F. called me today, which was a nice surprise. I hadn't talked to her since last month or two. Her father died and I think life just overcame here. I mean, he died suddenly and I know how that can hurt and destroy your life for awhile. When my dad died, we watched him decline so when he passed none of us were surprised. But when my niece died, it was right out of nowhere. Of course, it made it worse that I looked at her like one of my children. It KILLED me. For years I couldn't even talk about her without crying. Anyway, Patty was doing better. She told me how she's taken Mason skating at his friend's party and she tried skating with him because he really wanted her too. But she fell three times! After that she called it quits. I don't blame here! LOL! Once you're over-weight your center of gravity changes (kinda like being pregnant). I tried ice skating once when I was heavier than I had been when I'd first learned and fell three times. Not sure what it is with three's. I guess we're programmed to try something three times before giving up. One, two, three - you're out! :-P But it was just good to hear from her.

I also cleaned out Tubbie's tank today and got him some crickets. I was worried. He looked like he was getting a little sick. My fault for not doing this sooner. But now it's done and he looks tons better. I have it written on my schedule when to take care of him now so that way it gets done and I don't forget when I did it last. Sometimes I can't remember anything to save my life. The nickname Dory didn't come to me for no reason! LOL!

I made a quick dinner tonight. My mom didn't feel up to cooking. Jordan was hungry and exhausted. He hadn't slept all night too. He stayed up to right his sleeping schedule. Anyway, I made hot dogs. I bought hot dog buns and hot dogs today so no big deal. It was a good and simple dinner.

Well, I think I'm about to call it a night. I just about lost this post so I guess I'd better save as post as quickly as possible. I think I'm going to sleep tonight FINALLY! I am so exhausted. And hopefully my Karissa won't wake me up either. I apparently have a mouse in my room because she went nuts a little bit ago and I could have sworn I saw something small and dark running away from her. So long as it's not a rat and hopefully if she catches it she won't bring it on the bed for me to play with.

Okay, officially I am outta here. I'm too tired for words and I've made it through my shows - "Chuck," "Being Human" (which is a great new show on Syfy) and "Hawaii 5-0." I'd say it's been a pretty good day. Tomorrow will be good too. Positive thinking. . . positive thinking . . . it will work.

It's Just Another Day in the Life of a Nut

Today has been a strange day, I guess. I woke up late once again. I have to break myself of that though I'll be sleeping a little late tomorrow, or I guess I should say today since it's well after midnight. But it's been a relatively decent day.

I woke up. Had an early dinner. Talked with my mom for awhile. My mother made a cake with some killer icing. It was sooooooo good! I could have eaten the whole cake all by myself! LOL! My mom has been more than a little irritated and Jordan and I have been sleeping a lot, but Jordan is going to try to stay awake until at least 5:00pm. That way his schedule will start to normalize for when he goes back to school. As for me, sooner or later I'm just going to have to force myself to wake up early and just deal with how tired I get. It's the only way to change a bad sleeping pattern, at least for me.

After dinner, I just watched some TV. I also played on Facebook and uploaded some pix there. I even uploaded pix to Picasa which I hadn't done in ages. In fact, I was so productive I worked on my story!! I told myself I was going to spend some time writing and I did. I got maybe about 3/4 of a page written. I'm still trying to work out a few bumps in my idea, but we'll see what happens as the story progresses. I'm just glad I was able to get some done. It reminds me that I still have my gift for writing, even though I lack the confidence I used to have. I'm hoping that will come back in time. After all, I have ideas and what I might be able to do. I don't know though. I just don't have that belief in myself like I used to. 

One of the shows I watched was "Worst Cooks in America" and then "Cupcake Wars". Sunday night is my Food Network night. Usually I watch "Iron Chef American," but today it wasn't on. Then at midnight Jordan and I went to Walmart. I just wanted snacks. I know I shouldn't, but I was looking forward to it. Also I wanted to get a b-day card for Greg which I got. I'm over last night and his cruel joke. He was sorry he'd done it and didn't even know why he had. Of course, he'd been drinking so maybe that caused his lack of judgment. But one of the things I got was a DVD. I am so addicted to getting DVDs - and I have so many I want to get!! Plus having Jordan with me pushed me to get it. It was a movie we both have been wanting to see - "The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day." Then on the way home we stopped at Jack in the Box. We were both starving. Burger and tacos for me. He got a burger and a chocolate shake. And of course, as soon as we got home we put on the movie.

The movie rocked! Both of us thought so and they set it up for a third installment. I think I heard somewhere that they were doing a third one. I hope they do. It was sad that they killed off two of the characters, but it fit with the course of the story so they were reasonable within the story.

I can say that there is one positive thing that's really come from Cassie not being here all the time. Jordan and I have spent more  time together. He's come with me to Walmart and we've watched movies together. Just spending time together and that's probably something we've both needed. So I guess there are good things. Doesn't mean I don't miss her like crazy though.

Well, it's almost 4:00am so I need to try to sleep. Tomorrow will be another day and hopefully a good one. Keep a positive attitude, right? :-) 

Almost Gave Sleeping Beauty a Run for Her Money

I was totally exhausted last night and even though I had high hopes of sleeping well once again, once again I didn't. I think I fell asleep around 3:00am. But here's the thing. I slept until 3:00pm! Ugh! And then I still wanted to go back to sleep. In fact, after I had dinner I almost laid down. Not like I had anything to do anyway. I just don't know why I was and am so tired.

Jordan came in my room with me. I let him play on the laptop with my show on and I laid down with Karissa beside me. That was nice this afternoon when I woke up. Karissa was right in front of my face when I woke and that was awesome! :-) I love when she cuddles up to me like that. So at least I had that little sunshine moment. Also at one point Cassie and her boyfriend came over with Jason and Susan who wanted a restaurant coupon and I was the only one that could print it out. It was good to see Cassie. I also got to see the photos she took of the Seal tour they took today. It was awesome. There were so many Sea Lions. I would like to do that one of these days, but I'm not going to hold my breath. My chances are very slim.

Then I get a call from Jason that says he got a text from someone saying that Greg had died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound! I don't believe it. I haven't heard from him and I have called and texted, but Jason called the Kaiser info line and he wasn't listed on it so . . . I don't believe it. I mean, they can't text that crap anyway. It's shit and to be honest I'm pissed that he would do that. It's not remotely funny and is just another reason for him to be put in the looney bin for a few days. I've been in the bin myself, but right now he seriously needs it and when I do hear from him he's going to get it from me. I already texted him and told him it wasn't funny and that he should not have done that. I mean, how sick can you be to do that to your friends? Guess I'm just going to be ticked off for awhile over this.

I do have to admit that I am a little worried. I am almost 100% sure that was just a sick joke, but on the other hand, I haven't heard from him and I've tried calling and texting. But then, he probably knows just how upset I am. I don't know. But there is that bit of worry there. I just don't understand why.

Anyway, other than that, Jordan and I were waiting for my mom to go to bed, but by 11pm she was STILL AWAKE!! Ugh!! We were going to Beef 'n Bun to get burgers and shakes. I just had to get another one. So finally I just told her I was awake so I was going to go to the pharmacy and pick up some meds that I needed to get instead of tomorrow. It was great to get out of the house, but I would have rather her have been asleep instead. Ah well . . . It was also incredibly foggy. It was so bad I could barely see in front of me! But we got there, got our food and shakes and went to the Vons parking lot to eat. I couldn't exactly bring it home. Jordan doesn't like onion rings, but he was sure impressed by the size of mine. He got a chocolate shake, but regretted not getting a peanut butter chocolate shake after he tasted mine. LOL! Those are the best!!

Okay, I'm still tired and I'm hoping I'll sleep. Maybe I need to just stop saying that. Maybe I'm just jinxing myself. LOL! Maybe I should say I'm NOT going to sleep no matter how much I want. :-P Who knows. But either way, tomorrow is coming. Tomorrow I will work on my writing. Hopefully I won't sleep all day. It just seems to put me in a darker mood. I have actually felt okay and right now I feel fine, but there were a couple of times today I felt depressed. Sleeping all day just throws me off I think. So hopefully tomorrow I will wake up a little earlier.

I just hope everything works out and that I hear from Greg. Though I might kill him myself. I'll just keep watching "Billy the Exterminator" until I go to sleep. Love that show. Okay, enough. I'm rambling. Time to try to go to sleep.