Trying To Write It Out

I HATE John. Okay, maybe I don't completely hate him, but I am pissed. He called me tonight and though I didn't raise my voice to him at all, I basically told him what I thought of him. He can't be trusted. That he was opportunistic. Just wanted to be an asshole. Not that I  said that. But I told him it was his fault that Cassie was going to come back home to be with me. He would love for me to get off Welfare, but fuck him. I think next week I'll be ready to call the IRS on his ass. I didn't want to do it, but maybe I need to show him just how he's not the only one that can be an asshole.

Anyway, it's tweaked me out again. I am shaking again. I want to cut. I want to sleep. but I can't between the wanting to cut and the shaking. I don't know what I'm going to do . . . I'm going to try not to tweak out too hard emotionally, but I am really wanting that razor. I just know if I can keep myself from not doing it. In fact, I want to right now. I hate life right now. I hate it. I hate him for having done this to me, the asshole as he is.

Guess I have said all I can really say. Not sure that I have made a difference, but at least I tried to write it out.

Between Sleeping and Suicidal Ideation I'm doing GREAT!

Well, I should have written an entry for yesterday, but instead, the last thing I wanted was to do anything that didn't involve sleeping. Welfare sent out an interviewer. Not that I didn't expect it, but not so soon. I talked to him. Showed him her bed and showed him her clothes. It all ended up going okay, but my mom freaked out. Now she wants Cassie home or else I'll be kicked out. I just couldn't deal with it and went to sleep and kept sleeping. I only woke up enough to eat dinner than went right back to sleep. Each time I woke up I tried to force myself back sleep. But around noon my mom woke me up today because she needed to go to the bank and wanted to go to Walmart, so I got up and took her. I felt like crap though. Shaking like crazy and just no energy. While she went to the bank I waited for her. I can't remember if I started reading or not. But she didn't take long. She then gave me $15 for fuel and $3 to get something to eat when we got to Walmart. She knew I wasn't feeling good. As soon as we got to Walmart it took me a little time to get a parking spot, but I ended up with a decent one. My mom got me a cart and then I headed inside and to Walmart. I found a place to sit and had two McChicken sandwiches and got a Diet Dr.Pepper. I was on my third refill when we left. I could bearly stand up and I tried talking to my mother about Cassie staying at Jason and Susan's and she said that if I didn't get her back that she would kick me out and she meant it because she doesn't want to lose her social security. But I don't know. Fucking John. He had to fuck everything up. Whatever. He's never getting custody of Cassie.

I was so depressed and so despondent. I just thought how Jason was going to hate me because Cassie was probably going to have to come home. I thought it would be better without me around. Of course, Jason did point out to me that Cassie would go to John and that got my thinking about some kind of legal paperwork where Jason and Susan would take custody of Cassie should I pass away. I had Jason pretty freaked out because I guess I told him things would be better without me. So when I asked for his address he said he wasn't going to give it to me, so I called Susan and explained to her that this is if ANYTHING happens to me. That way they get custody and there will be no problem there. Once I get it from Linda I'll get it Nortorized and then figure out where to keep it safe - give Jason and Susan a copy. That way should anything happen to me by accident or by my accord Cassie will go with them and NOT her father. It broke my heart to hear Jason almost cry to me about my being suicidal. I forget how much I matter to people. Actually after my dark half part of the day Jason and Susan invited me out to dinner. At that time I had also gotten an email from my Aussie. He loved hearing from me, but he was worried when I said I wanted to hurt myself. Then Rick, the guy I thought had blown me off didn't! So I wrote him back and we might get together once he's back in San Diego next month. He's looking for a lover and I wouldn't mind one. :-) We'll have to see how it goes. I'm up for something more casual than committed oriented.  Then Nicole called me and she read me some things that made me laugh. I needed that, so I got a lot of boosts when I needed them most. Oh and Jordan took his money and got us both Rolo McFlurries. Well, I kicked in a buck. But that was a nice treat too. 

Anyway, I took a shower then Jason and Susan arrived. We went to Cici's Pizza. That was such a nice treat. We also talked to Cassie on the way there and on the way back to my place. I was so full! LOL! Then I came home and took two shots of vodka - NOTHING! LOL! Of course I did just eat a bunch of pizza. I have to say that this evening has turned out pretty nice. I haven't posted anything on Cafemom in the last two days so I did do one post and said I'd be back to posting tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel myself going backwards a little. Think I'll close this up, finish watching "Wild Animal Repo" and then see about going back to sleep. I worry too much. And I know Cassie is going to hate me and her father when she has to come home. Jason won't be happy - okay enough. I can't get back into that thinking. Just watch TV and get ready for bed.

Keep calm.

Sometimes You're the Bug on the Windshield

This day has sucked. I am so full of anxiety and feel sick to my stomach. I wish I would have slept through the day. I got a call from Welfare. Someone gave them a tip that Cassie wasn't living at home for the last couple of months. I said that that wasn't the case. That right now she was visiting her grandparents and was going to be back in a week and a half. They said they might send out an investigator. :-( So I'm freaked out. I called Jason. I called Linda because the first person I thought of was John my wonderful Ex Husband. Even she thinks he might have done it. Nice huh? Plus, I called Greg and confronted him and he said he wouldn't do that to me. Sure he could lie, but I don't think he was.

Anyway, I haven't told my mom. I know she would totally freak out and demand I get Cassie back and make her live here, even though it's not in her best interest. I don't know what to do. I just feel sick to my stomach and that I'm totally screwing things up. I feel like a failure. That I have screwed up bad. It's probably not going to be that bad, but I don't know. I keep thinking of ways that they can prove I'm taking welfare without having Cassie under my roof. I know I shouldn't do it, but I don't have SSI yet and this is not a good place for Cassie. My mother isn't nice to her when she's living here. I definitely don't want her here when Diana's here. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I really want to go cut on myself. I am having suicidal ideation - a little. Cutting is the big thing. I might end up in the hospital. Then they couldn't say shit about her being somewhere else. Being in the hospital wouldn't be a bad thing for my SSI case either. I feel crazy enough. Part of me wants to end it all. But I just can't. Wish I could though. I haven't felt this bad and this hopeless in a long time.

I wrote to my Aussie Ron. But I haven't heard back from him. He might be sick. I know it's winter over there. Or he might have left early and I only just wrote him. It's also the weekend so I might not hear from him for days. I just wish I could hear from him. It would make me feel better. Just hearing from him always makes my day.

Anyway, I'm shutting up now. I have managed to watch "Burn Notice" which had Sam in a very deadly position, but Michael was able with Fiona and Jesse able to rescue him and get the weapon that was stolen. I watched "Suits" which rescued a girl put in jail for something she didn't do. They tracked down the bad guy. And I'm going to finish watching "Covert Affairs." This had a hostage situation in it.  So far so good.

Maybe I'll just drown myself with ativan. I also have vodka. I suppose I could take a couple of shots. I don't think it would hurt at this point. Anyway, that's it, I'm out of here.

Up and Down and Around

Well, I guess I'm not Richard's match because I haven't heard from him since my last email. I'm guessing he's a bit of a coward and rather then just say something to me, he'd rather just leave me alone. That's fine. It was giving me anxiety dealing with him anyway. Though I might write him tomorrow and just clairify things. I want closure. If you don't like me anymore, FINE. Just say something. Either way it will be a rejection for just get it over with, right? Anyway, I wasn't really invested in it so not that big of a deal. But it doesn't do anything for my self-esteem. That's for sure.

Other than that, I went to Walmart today. I had to pick up some milk, bread and salad dressing. I also got a box of the cherry cream cheese danishes. I gave Jordan two of them. I've eaten two, but I have a feeling I'll be eating the other two tonight. After that, I came home for awhile. I did more reading on "Bella and the Merciless Sheik," and it got hot! LOL! Then about 4:25pm, I headed out to go to therapy. I stopped and got a soda from McDonald's then headed to therapy. I sat down to read and I saw a National Geographic magazine that had a picture of a Spirit Bear. OMG! I didn't even know there was such a thing and it was BEAUTIFUL!! Then I read that they want to put a oil pipeline through it and it almost made me cry. Of course, I think I might be PMSing. Still, they are so beautiful and I don't want their habitat ruined!! After that, I read more of my book. I would have cried had I continued to read the other.

Therapy went well, but I keep going up and down. I think I might be rapid cycling. I feel like I'm going up, then down. I was down, then I felt up earlier and now I'm back down! Ugh!! It's maddening. I HATE it! So I'm going to hopefully work on cleaning my corner up and then do some editing. I want to edit. I want to get my book published. Before I can go anywhere though, it has to be edited. I need to focus on that.

Anyway, dinner was simple, but it was nice that my mom made salad and rice. I used BBQ sauce on the chicken and the rice. I guess my palate must be more sensitive now or something because the BBQ sauce made my nose run and my mouth burn. I was surprised by how much. I mean it was my favorite BBQ sauce - KC Masterpiece!

After dinner, I played on Cafemom and YouTube. I had to look up videos for "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" For the Music Videos Forum and the Humor Forum. I also spent time look up some of the Stargate: Atlantis - Michael vids. Some are songs I forgot that I jused to love like "Crashed" and "I'm Still Here." Anyway, I'm also watching "Ghost Hunters International" then after that I'm going to be watching "Legend Quest."

I don't feel really well at the moment. It sucks. It's just this underlying anxiety/depression. I have to pull myself together and just get myself going. I have to get passed the "I don't feel like it" and get to the "Just do it" stage. Hopefully tomorrow will prove to be a "Just Do IT" day. But I guess we'll see tomorrow.

Another Day at Home

Well, I didn't want to wake up. I would have loved to have just slept the day away. I mean, I pretty much did NOTHING. I slept until 3:30pm and even then I thought about going back to sleep then. But I didn't and I went and grabbed the computer from Jordan's room. From there I worked on Cafemom. I got stuff posted for "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" I posted three or four recipes, three music videos, one Weird Al video for Humor. I also did a poll, but not really anything else. Tomorrow I'll have more to do maybe.

I did write back to Rick and I also wrote another email to my wonderful Aussie. He wrote me back very quick and I was so happy to hear from him. I think he's getting tired of the long hours of work. Maybe it will eventually ease up. That would be nice. I would love to write out a fantasy with him, but I don't want to do it until he feels like he can. We'll see, I guess. As far as Rick goes . . . I don't know. I can tell you I get a lot of anxiety. I mean, I haven't really been involved with anyone in a very long time and this could turn into something. But I can find so much wrong with me. Who knows if he'd be interested in me once he finds out how much is wrong with me. And there is A LOT! From my being bipolar to missing teeth. Who knows if he'll even write me back. I let him know a little of how screwed up I am. Yeah, that's a good self-image. :-P We'll see what happens.

Anyway, not much else went on today. My mom made a Shepherd's Pie for Jordan and I. I could have gone to the store tonight, but I decided not to. After that, I basically was reading a Harlequin, "Bella and the Merciless Sheik" It's not the greatest book and I'm not sure I like Bella yet, but it's something to read before I get "Passion" because I don't want to read anything that's going to take long. After all, the 3rd isn't that far away. I'm only 40 pages into it. But I also watched "Cupcake Wars," "Deadliest Catch" and "Deadliest Catch Behind-the-Scenes." It was all good. The thing that gets me with "Cupcake Wars" is that inevitably I want the cupcakes! LOL!

Oh! I also heard from Cassie today! :-) She sent me a little video of Grandma and Grandpa's dogs. She seems to love them which makes me happy. She still said she's a little bit tired, but apparently it's better. I think she just needed to adjust. I hope she has the best time, but I miss her.

Well, I guess that's it. I'm actually getting a little hungry and that's after eating a ton of bottlecaps tonight. LOL! Peanut Butter and Jelly sounds like a good option for me. I just hope I sleep. I took a muscle relaxer and hope that will kick in in about an hour. I don't know if I'll sleep all day, but the point is to sleep. And I'm tired, but last  night I was tired and I just couldn't sleep. That sucks. So I'm going to try this tonight and see how well it works. Time will tell.

Back to Red!

I'm tired so I think this might be one of my shorter entries. I'm doing a bit better today. I slept until 2:00pm still, but then my mom woke me. It was a good thing. My mom wanted to go to Costco so I got up, got dressed. I got coffee when I saw there was some for me and then we went. I wanted to stay in the car, even as hot as it was, but my mom wrote out a list just for me to get. So I went in and got what I needed to. What was really nice is while I went to the car and had someone help me get stuff situated my mom got a pizza and brought me an iced tea. It was good.

I came home for a little bit, ate pizza and did some reading of "Torment." It was getting so good I could hardly put it down. But I did to go over to Jason and Susan's for dinner and Susan was going to color my hair. Just for the record, I am a red-head again! :-) Susie made spaghetti with her GREAT sauce. Then she colored my hair. I read more of "Torment" as I waited to the point I was very close to the end. When I got home, I just couldn't help myself. I picked up the book and started reading again. I had missed most of "The Closer" so there was no point in watching the last bit. Then "Rizzoli & Isles came on so I read through commericals. After that I turned the TV to "Eureka" and finished reading the book. OMG!! I can't wait to get "Passion!" I bet it's going to be a sensational book! It was awesome! So now I'm going to finish watching "Eureka" and then I'll probably go to sleep. Tomorrow I have to write to Rick. I was going to write tonight, but I'm just too tired.

Anyway, it was a better day, I guess. And I went back to my regular dose of Paxil so I guess that is that. No more extra paxil - ever.

Guess that's it this time around! :-)

From a Sucky Morning to Good Evening

Today has been an emotional day. I think my trying to up my dose of Paxil by 10mg is really back-firing. I think it's been making me emotional and giving me a lot of anxiety - as if I didn't have enough with Diana here. Though I have to say that Diana was pleasant today and that's when she's tired and still not feeling well. But I can't have the Paxil making me more anxious so it's time to go back to just my regular dose. I just so much wanted to go into a hypomanic state, I guess - a happy, happy state!! But oh well. I guess I just have to hope for one. The depression brought out a couple of poems for me though. But it sucks to feel that darkness. But then tonight, I'm feeling fine.

I spent much of the afternoon watching "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and playing on Cafemom and whatnot. I really need to go back to participating in my other forums. Then for dinner my mom pulled out chicken and potatoes that had been cooked yesterday and we reheated it with some baked beans. It was good. The BBQ sauce went a long way. Jordan was a good kid and did the dishes, changed the sheets on his bed and started laundry for me. I wiped down the table. It wasn't much, but at least it was something. Then we went back to my room and watched videos on YouTube. We watching everything from Weird Al and The Mean Kitty to this Anime that Jordan is getting me into called "Black Butler." Surprisingly I like it and I am really into the Butler/Demon or whatever he is. Plus as far as Anime goes he's hot. LOL! I'm very drawn to the personality of the character.

Now I'm going to check my email and see if Rick wrote me and then I'm going to watch "Iron Chef America" and "The Glades." I'm also tired so hopefully I'll be sleeping relatively early. For a sucky morning (Or rather, when I got up) to a good night. That's a good thing.

All On a Saturday . . .

Today seems like it's been a really long day. Not really, but I feel it. I didn't sleep great, but I did get to talk to Cassie around 7:00am give or take before she left to go to Nevada and Roger and Linda. I was kind of upset when Jason told me that Linda had called him and thanked him for taking care of her and that she could see a difference in Cassie. I was like What the fuck?? They haven't seen her in YEARS! And they are going to say something like that about me. And then of course Jason telling me, like bragging in my face. He said for me not to take it that way, but how else do you take something like that? She's doing so much better now that her mother doesn't have her! Ugh!

Anyway, I put that out of my mind. I called Linda myself, but didn't say anything about what she'd said to Jason. I just let it go and talked with her and then with Cassie. Cassie was happy to be there and had already made friends with the dogs. I knew she would. She's great with animals. She's learned how to approach them. I guess I taught her something in her life. Well, it was good to hear her voice yet again.

Then Jason invites me over for a girls night with Susan. Then no, then yes, then no again and yes and no . . . then come over. So I get over there, Susan's gone. Jason and her were fighting and it was continuing over texting and phone calls. Eventually they came home and Jason started being all weird and he took his shorts off and was walking around making funny comments. It's not like I haven't seen him in the buff before. But it made me crack up and made Susan laugh. But eventually after puttering around on the computer and the fact that they decided to go to Sea World - which I thought was crazy from what he'd said about the parking lot earlier. But I headed home.

From there, I told Jordan (and my mother) that the Girls Night had been cancelled. I told her it was because Susan ended up not feeling well. I  mean, why go into the whole story if I don't have to, you know? But Jordan was happy because it meant we could go to the drive-in. I have to admit I was looking forward to that option too. He had to take care of a couple of things before we left and in that time I wrote a couple of poems. Nothing major but a couple of things for the Poetry Garden. I just feel this deep darkness inside. It's not completely out, but its oozing out slowly. But I feel it like a well or pool. I'm sure more poetry will come out of it.

I don't think my mother was thrilled that we were going to go to the movies, but I hadn't been to one in so long!! So Jordan and I left. We stopped at the 99 cent store to get batteries for the boom box, candy and drinks. I spent more than I should, but I enjoyed it all. When we got to the Drive-In, I was bummed out though. They raised their prices from $6.50 to $8.00. I was like, HUH?? But I paid it and we went inside. Jordan was able to set the boom box to the right station easily. While we waited I read more of "Torment" which is still just as good as ever. Then we watched "Captain America" and "Transformers: Dark of the Moon." "Captain America" was okay. I enjoyed it, but some of it didn't hold my attention completely. But "Transformers?" WOW! It held my attention from beginning to end. I definitely enjoyed that one more. But it was just really nice to be able to go to the movies. I guess it's been about a year or so since I was able to go.

Anyway, on the way home we stopped at McDonald's with the last of the money. I got him a couple of McDoubles. I got myself one and a drink, of course. Though I probably won't finish it tonight unless I want to go pee constantly. I am tired now. It's coming up on 3:00am so I need to take my meds and go to sleep. I hope Karissa stops talking for the night! LOL! She talked a full half hour when we got home. I guess she missed us! :-)

Bon Voyage, Cassie!!

Here's something different. I have a guy who wants to know me. We started emailing yesterday. It's different for me for sure. Who knows, he might end up being a really nice guy! And wouldn't that be kind of cool? I am kind of anxious about it, but who even knows if it will go anywhere. Of course, could I actually trust anyone again. I can't believe Nicole got married again. I think this one will work, but I am so afraid. She's on her third marriage and I only had the one, but I was worried about going through that kind of pain again and not sure I wouldn't. I just read this guy's profile and not sure we're going to be a fit, but there's no reason not to meet.

Anyway, I didn't wake up until after 2:00pm. I think it's the muscle relaxant. I take it and I want to sleep FOREVER!! LOL! But Susan and Cassie came by so Cass could look for her iPod, but still didn't find it. And Susan to give me the rest of the money they had borrowed from me plus food for cash. Needless to say I barely made it to send off my car insurance. I just hope it gets there in time. I also got a drink from McDonald's and picked up 5 gold fish for Mr. Crabs. Then I got Jordan up. He took a shower and then we left to go to Jason and Susan's for Cassie's Bon Voyage party. I can't believe she's leaving for two weeks to go to Nevada to visit Roger and Linda. I'm glad she gets to go and she's flying on a plane to get there. She's excited about that for sure. It was Jason's idea to have a BBQ and I'm happy he did suggest it. I got to give her hugs and kisses. Lots of them.

Jason had a friend over tonight named Mikey. It was cool! And it was fun watching Jordan and Cassie wrestle each other. Cassie would punch Jordan and hurt her own hand! LOL! But she loved it and so did he. He would hold her in place so I could take her picture. It was really fun. Then she went to go clean her room and Jordan got in the computer and he showed Mikey stuff on NicePeter. He loved "Nom Nom Nom Nom Babies" plus all the epic rap battles of History. Those ate cool too.

Jason BBQ'd steak which had marinated overnight. OMG it was so good! It was served with potato and Broccoli. Then we had Berry Shortcake - Strawberries and Blackberries.

It was hard to leave because she's going to be literally gone. I mean it's one thing for her being in San Diego, but its something else to have her so far away. But I'll deal with it. And I'm supposed to go over to Jason and Susan's again on Wednesday. Susan will color my hair. I hope I don't look stupid with it.

Anyway, on the way home from Jason and Susan's, I decided to take Jordan over to Tim's to get his game back from George. Well, that was a pain in the ass. Eventually, George gave it up, but I had to push my way into the mobile home. He was complaining that Jordan was going through all this just for a game and I pointed out to him he was doing the same thing over a game. I think George just wanted to be a brat. Why, I don't know, but anyway, Jordan got his game back.

After that, we went to Walmart where I finally got "Eureka 4.0" on DVD. I'm glad. It's one more TV series I want on DVD. There's still four more to go and that's just for now. Ugh! I might not be able to get all of them, which would suck. It was nice though to go look through the books too. "Passion" is only $13, but I was bummed because I didn't see "The Silent Girl." It kind of pisses me off, but oh well. What am I going to do about it, you know? And I'll have to go to a real book store to get any of the other Tess Gerritsen books. Maybe I will. Depends on how much I think I can get away with.

Anyway, now we're home after stopping to get sodas at McDonald's again. I went to the same McDonald's three times today just for drinks. LOL! Isn't that funny? Well, I guess that's it for now. I might watch the rest of "Quantum of Solace" and then go to bed. Or not . . . *as she looks at the time* Well, time for meds either way.

Down in the Dumps . . . But WHY??

Well, today was okay. I've been really depressed though. Not sure exactly why, but I am. I feel run down and kind of defeated. It sucks, but what do you do, right? I just have to ride through it, I guess. Maybe getting more sleep or finding purpose in my life again will help. I'm almost willing to take the extra paxil to boost my mood. It put me in a high the last time. I mean, not crazy high, but I was happy and doing very well for about three weeks or so. Then I started going down. Of course, with my sister here, it's hard for me to be happy at all. I mean, she hasn't started anything with me, but I don't want to be near her either incase she does go off. I'm sure she realizes I'm avoiding her. But as long as she doesn't turn into a bitch it's all good.

I think part of the depression is I also knowing Cassie is leaving town. I miss her anyway, but it's worse knowing she's leaving the city. She'll be in another state - Nevada visiting her Grandparents. She leaves on Saturday.

I don't know. I have this horrible pit in my stomach like something is just wrong or is going to go wrong. I hate feeling like this. I think I need my ativan tonight for sure. Maybe more than one. Maybe more like three! LOL! Though I have to settle down some how. And its not like I have had a bad day or anything. I woke up at 11:30am and I called the welfare office. I got some stuff taken care of and in fact, I think I have that secondary insurance off the medi-cal now. It was not good that Susan didn't get her check so I didn't get my money today. Hopefully tomorrow. If not, I'm screwed. I have to send in the insurance tomorrow or it'll be late. I just wish I felt better. But tomorrow I go over to Jason and Susan's for a BBQ to say good-bye to Cassie.

Anyway, I didn't do any reading today. I actually had the computer all day which is different for me. LOL! So it was nice to play on it all day for a change. But there wasn't much going in any of the groups I'm in. Then I've also watched soom TV. I watched several "Project Runway" episodes, then "Burn Notice" which was really good. But the ending was so creepy. The one setting Micheal up for murder can mimmic him perfectly! Then I watched "Suits" and now I'm going to chill out to "Covert Affairs."

Okay, time for meds - ATIVAN being the first on the list.

Exhausted But Still Going

Well, today has been a pretty much uneventful day except for the fact that I have been very, very exhausted. I mean, I can hardly stand up straight. I feel like I have to lean over. I just don't have energy. And every little thing makes me feel even more exhausted.

I didn't sleep as late today as I normally do. I didn't really go into the other room. I just stayed in my room and did some reading. "Torment" is good, but I'm not reading it as fast. I guess it's hard for me because I can't buy the next book until next month. Ugh!! At least that's why I think I'm procrastinating. But I also feel something in my gut that is making me slow down. It's nothing to do with it being interesting because it's just as exciting. I don't know. But I'll have it read pretty soon, I'm sure. It is a good book. I can't wait to see what happens with Luce and Daniel.

My mom finally asked if I wanted dinner. I told Jordan dinner was ready. From there we had scrambled eggs, bacon, quesadillas and crepes. I was really full after eating, but I did the dishes that were there. Then I took a shower. I needed one badly. But with the full stomach and just being exhausted, taking the shower exhausted me more. But I was glad I'd taken the shower. My mom also told me some of the things we needed and she wrote out a list. Half an hour later I was ready to go. Well, as ready as I could be. I still couldn't stand up straight very well. But I managed to do it. We stopped at McDonald's on the way and got xtra large Dr. Pepper. Then went we got up there, I needed a cart immediately. Once inside Jordan and I did the shopping pretty quick. I got some extra stuff for Jordan and I. Not that I need it, mind you. In fact, I might be getting fatter because of the snacking. But I just can't help myself with Diana here. I heard her raise her voice earlier, but I didn't hear what it was about. Probably about me or Jordan. But I didn't hear, so I don't know.

Anyway, when we got home, I took the treats and he took in the rest of the groceries. I can't believe it's the 20th. I should have called Patty today - Today was Mason's Birthday. I forgot how old he was turning. He sounds so cute on the phone. :-) Today was also Denise's birthday. But oh well. I'm not feeling that whole desire to catch up with her like I was. Maybe I'm getting passed the nostalgia. 

Tonight since I've been back I have watched half of "Chopped," Ghost Hunters International," and "Legend Quest." "Legend Quest" was awesome. He might have found Excaliber!! I won't say it for sure, but it's cool! :-) If I can manage to stay awake for another hour, I am going to watch "Royal Pains." I haven't been following the show this season, but Boris' girl is having his son. Anyway, I just want to see it.

Tomorrow I should be getting my money from Jason and Susan - Food for cash AND the rest of the money they owe me. I am very happy with it. I might be able to get "Eureka" on DVD and even take Jordan to see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." I want to see it too. So maybe tomorrow . . .

Time to take my meds and maybe play on Cafemom some more.

Lazy Day

Well, it's another day of having slept most of the day. I guess I just don't want to wake up with Diana here. I have nothing to do. Jordan ends up with my computer for a good part of the day. Not that I have the energy to do a lot of what I'd want. Actually, I just don't do that much. Eventually I need to start writing again. I need to get back into "Assassin's Seduction" and then see if I can't get it sold. I really think I could. I want to see it in print. And someone has got to want it. I just hate getting turned down. It sucks and it hurts even when I don't want it to. I don't know how to steel myself from the sting. But I can't just give up either.

Anyway, I didn't get up until it was time for dinner. My mom made us Cheese Burgers (Grilled Onions!! Yummy!) and then homemade applesauce. I ate a bunch. I should have grabbed a ton of onions too. But the two burgers and applesauce filled me up. After that, I got Jordan to get me some water. I was dying of thirst. After I got back to my room, I laid back down, but I put on an old "Iron Chef America" followed by "Restaurant: Impossible" which was great. I do like that show a lot. Then I got to watch a "Cupcake Wars" that I hadn't seen before so that was cool.

Once 8:00pm, I got the computer from Jordan and I actually have a thread going in my group "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" It's great! So I also tried to ask more questions than post anything else. Maybe we'll get a couple more threads actually going. That was be so cool!! And it does prove that I have people that like the group and come to the group. They just haven't participated. I've also been watching "Deadliest Catch" and now I'm watching "Alaska Monster Hunting" with the Hilstrand brothers from the Time Bandit! They're going to go after a monster the looks like the Loch Ness monster so it should be interesting.

Anyway, I'm going to take my meds, check my groups one more time and then I'm just going to chill out until I can get back to sleep!

A Little Bit of Everything

Wow, I don't feel very good. I have had no energy today. I did wake up around 11:30am because my mom wanted to go to Costco. But then she changed her mind about when she wanted to go, so I went back to sleep. Not that I was particularly tired, but I was tired enough. Then my mom woke me up around 2:00pm or so and we took off to Costco. I wanted to stay in the car, but it was so hot and my mom said that she had so much to get, so I went in. I had no energy though. I knew it was bad when I had to sit down before even going into the store. I was bummed too because I found a book I wanted. Unfortunately it was a new hardcover - "The Silent Girl" by Tess Gerritsen. But it was $15. I might be able to find it at Walmart next month. I really found it hard to get through the list she gave me. Then I went to sit down and wait for her, so I got some reading in, but I had forgotten the lemon so I had to go all the way to the back of the store again to get them. I couldn't wait to get out of there. 

When we got home Jordan brought in the stuff from the store and Diana made Croissant sandwiches for us. Jordan and I were still kinda hungry so we got ice cream sandwiches. I also got the computer after that and checked my "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group. Someone had replied to someone else's post, which was a good thing. I could probably reply to that one too. Maybe we could get more people posting. At least I wish I could get people posting . . . ah well.

After awhile I had Jordan come with me to go to the pharmacy. Had to get my ativan!! Then we also went into Vons. Jordan and I were still kinda hungry and they had a large sub sandwich. I bought that, got drinks, I also got some of these cream cheese raspberry puff things and candy bars. I kinda went overboard, but it was good. As soon as we got home we went into my room and split the sandwich. We watched the end of "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" and then he watched part of "Eureka" with me. I got back online again and tried to catch up with some of my other groups. I also watched "The Closer" and it was again another good episode. However Pope is throwing Brenda under the bus to keep his new position as Chief. What an ass!! And I'm watching "Rizzoli & Isles." I love this show!! Two of my favorite characters!! 

Anyway, I am exhausted and think I'm going to crash right after the show is over. But for now, I'm going to finish watching the show, take my meds and just relax.

Day After the Beach

This is going to be kinda short I think. Yesterday was so much fun, but I'll tell you, it took a lot out of me. In fact, as much as we all tried to keep me from burning I still did anyway. It's been hurting me a bit. But I was also so tired. I finished reading "Fallen" which was great and I am glad I have "Torment." I started reading it today - at least the prologue. But what I did most of the day was sleep! I slept and slept until it was time for dinner around 6:30pm. I don't know if it's because I took a muscle relaxant or what, but I was exhausted. Even now, I'm getting close to wanting to sleep again. I feel it in my bones.

Dinner was good. My mom was nice enough to make dinner for Jordan and I. It was the left-over spaghetti from yesterday and yummy salad and then peas. It was good. Jordan and I stayed out there for awhile. He did a couple of things for my mom. He was supposed to do dishes, but he didn't. I can't really blame him because Diana was downstairs. We watched some of "Collateral Damage" but then it was time for "Leverage" and it was the first episode I have been able to watch. Then I was working on Cafemom and was half watching "Finding Bigfoot." They are wrapping up their short season, I guess. They will be back, but I guess they're done for now. I'll double check next week. Now I'm watching "The Glades." It's a good one then I'm going to sleep. My mom and Diana want to go to Costco tomorrow, so I have to make sure I get up relatively early. 

I guess that's really it. Most of today I was sleeping and I'm still tired. Go figure. But at least it wasn't a bad day. I do need medication either tomorrow or tonight. Depends on how I feel and how Jordan is. I am out of ativan, which isn't a good thing with Diana here. So we'll see what'll happens. Ativan take me away. LOL!

Life's a Beach - Really!!

Man, I'm tired. Not that I physically did that much, but I did go to the beach today with Jason and Susan!! And Cassie and Lauren too. I was so tired this morning too because I couldn't seem to sleep well last night. But I told Cassie I would go to the beach with her and so I did!! :-) My mother was kind of pissed at me at first because I had totally forgotten about it until Jason had reminded me last night. But after a bit she said maybe it was a good thing. I could do some walking and I planned to do some swimming, but DAMN that water was FREEZING!! It was really great! We stopped at the store and got some supplies like water and cookies we headed to the bay. There wasn't any waves in the bay, but it was cool. The girls immediately were in the water. :-) Well, I think we had lunch first - PB&J. It was pretty good and then the girls talked me into going into the water with them. OMG the water was COLD!!! But I inched my way out there and eventually I dunked under and THAT didn't make it any better. The girls wanted to go past the drop-off, but I won't go in water that I can't see and where I can't touch the ground. It frustrated Cassie, but I just figured I'd get some shells. Found several interesting colored ones. They eventually got Susan to go in, but not all the way either, I don't think. I noticed that when the grown-ups wouldn't go to the drop-off with them, they didn't do it themselves either, so I wasn't the only one afraid. They had fun though hanging in the relative shallows. I mean four-five feet deep is deep enough. They just went up and down the shoreline. Eventually, I went down in the water again, but not that deep. I wanted pix of the girls in the water. After that, I pulled out "Fallen" and started reading. Everyone tried to keep me from getting sunburned, but I got a little burned anyway. But all in all, I really had a fantastic time! The sun was warm, the breeze was cool . . . It was really great and I would love to do it again. Maybe they'll take me along again sometime. They tell me I'm too white. I could use more color. So we'll see.

After I got home, I finally went to the bathroom and changed. I also finished reading "Fallen." I'm going to wait until tomorrow or so before I start "Torment." It ought to be interesting. Nothing like being in love with an angel. :-) It's very cool. I'm not as drawn into as I was to "Twilight" but it's still good. Great characters and I hope to see more of them. I'm particularly interested in the relationship between Daniel and Cam.

Anyway, I went to Cafemom for a bit. I uploaded some pix of fireworks. I really didn't do much else. I think I might do a couple of book reviews since I finished reading two books in three days. But we'll see. I'm tired and I might leave it for tomorrow. Maybe. In fact, I think that's what I'm going to do. Take my meds and go to sleep.

A good end to a good day!

An Emotional Kind of Day

I'm not feeling very good. Not at all. I'm not sure exactly why, but I feel really just tired and depressed. I guess I should have equated the tiredness to depression and I doubt it's going to life until Diana is gone. It sucks. Of course, the other thing that has me down is that my mother again is trying to force me to take Cassie back. She threatened to kick me out. I won't take her away from where she's happy. I won't have Cassie hating me and fighting my mom all the time and making all of us miserable Just because she fucking wants it that way. Let her kick me out. I'll just cut my fucking wrists. At least then they'll put me in the hospital. I so feel like cutting now it's unreal. I've kind of wanted to all day and that shit with her didn't help any. But for the time being there is nothing I can do about how I'm feeling. I might just try to go to sleep early. Well, early for me, since I'm tired anyway. And tomorrow I have to wake up early. I'm going to the bay with Jason, Susan, Cassie and Lauren. I think it'll be fun, though I'm not sure I can break my fear of water I can't see into. We'll see. If we go where I think we are, I might see about swimming toward the little island. But I don't know. The thought scares me now, though I've done it before.

Anyway, I finally got that diagnostic something or other replaced on my car. And I started reading "Fallen" which turns out to be really go. I'm almost 300 pages into it. I could probably finish tomorrow. Maybe I'll ask Cassie to bring "Torment" tomorrow so I can go straight to the next book. It's a good book and I look forward to reading the other two. I wonder if this author will write even more than that. It would be cool.

Well, I spent a little time on Cafemom posting some stuff in my "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group. Some recipes and something on fat burning diets and on fat burning food. I also posted a poll question and a couple of music videos. No humor today though. I figure what I did post was enough for now.

Okay, I called Cassie to bring "Torment" tomorrow. I have the battery in the camera. I hope I have lots of space left. I'll have to see about having someone take some photos of Cassie and I. I still have to find my swimsuit, but it's on the bed somewhere. Last thing I have to do is take my pills and I'll do more reading. I kind of want to watch "Haven" tonight, but not sure I will. Maybe it will re-air on SyFy later in the week or on the website. Well, that's it, Swimsuit, meds and reading then sleep.

Mustard, Books and TV Shows

Well, last night I was too tired to write. To be honest, I'm pretty tired tonight too. Of course, it's coming up on midnight. But I've been tired all day. Of course, I've also slept most of the day though. I didn't want to wake up at all, knowing my mom and Diana are home. But once I finally got up, I decided to go to Walmart to get mustard. But my mom also wanted me to pick up her medicine and she gave me money to cover it. I asked her if we could get sodas and she said yes, so on the way we went to McDonald's. We each got a McDouble and then a drink. Gotta love those drinks. After that, I had Jordan run in and get my mom's medicine, then we went to Walmart and I couldn't help getting goodies. I really have to watch it though. I don't have that much money left. 

Anyway, When we got home, I laid down again. Jordan played on the computer for awhile. I then watched TV AND I finished reading my book. "Ice Cold" was awesome! It had an ending I didn't really expect which was very cool! Next book I start reading is "Fallen," and I suppose that will be tomorrow when I FINALLY take the car in to get fixed. I keep putting it off to sleep. Now I have to get my ass up around 11:30am or so. Cassie loves the book and it sounded good so we'll see.

"Burn Notice" was good tonight. Looks like there's another mystery to solve - someone's trying to frame Michael for killing his partner Max. So that will be interesting to watch next week and see where it will do. Then I also watched "Suits" which was great. I love the young kid that's never been to law school who is so good! Great show! Then I also got lucky and saw the "Covert Affairs" episode I missed this week.

Anyway, I guess that's about it. I am going to take my meds and go back to sleep. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Though I have to say I'm hating life at the moment. I am on edge just waiting for the next shoe to drop. So far Diana's been pleasant today. But that means nothing for tomorrow. But I guess we'll hope it stays good. 

So I guess that's that. The only thing on for tomorrow is getting the car fixed and "Haven" is going to be premiering tomorrow night. I hope everything stays even-keeled.

Last Day of Freedom . . .

I am so tired right now, but I can't go to sleep yet and it's midnight. I have to make sure Jordan does what he needs to do since my mom and sister are coming back from the reunion tomorrow. I'm dreading it because I just know they're going to find something wrong. I am really freaked that things will turn to shit again. And tomorrow morning I have to go to take care of the car. So I have to sleep at some point. Then tomorrow afternoon I have a therapy appointment. I could use one I think. I just hope it doesn't go downhill fast when they get home. I don't know I could deal with it and I have been trying to stay calm. I am still getting the thought intrusions about cutting myself. Even with them being gone, it hasn't gone away. But that's probably because they're coming back.

I had a good time having Cassie and Paige here. Not that we really spent a lot of time together, but just to have them here . . . Jason and Susan picked up Cassie and Paige wanted to watch a couple of movies so we watched "Eclipse" together along with "Overboard." I feel horrible that I didn't cook anything. My body has been sore and I've been tired. Way tired. I know it sucks. They didn't eat like they should have. I did go to the store with Paige and picked up some stuff - bread, milk, coffee creamers . . . LOL! I also got lunch meat and Cherry Preserves. But I forgot coffee. 

After the movies, I did a quick look at the house. Cassie had made the bed and it looked good, but she left stuff. Paige helped me quickly pick up most of it. The room looks okay now. But I still worry. Right now, Jordan and I got the watering taken care of. Then Jordan has dishes. He took out trash and I think he put a new bag in. I have heartburn from the cheese enchiladas Cassie baked earlier. I was glad I bought it. But I just have been getting heartburn so often lately. I just took an acid reducer. It means it's going to take time to work, but it'll work for the rest of the night.

I also spent time on Cafemom. I worked on "I'm not fat! I'm Fluffy!" and added a bunch of stuff. What made things easier and better was that the "Add Video" tab popped back up. That made it easier to post music videos rather than posting a link. I also posted a poll and a question and recipes and humor - The Kitty Cat Dance! That is such a good video. I used to get that song stuck in my head. LOL!

Anyway, I'd better go check on Jordan since I'm done watching "Deadliest Catch" and "After the Catch." But soon enough I want to go to sleep! My bed is calling to me!        

What a Sunday! LOL!

Well, I got up a little earlier than usual I guess. I woke up around 1:00pm. and I took my meds, got dressed and headed out the door to go to Jason and Susan's to spend time with Cassie and Paige. The girls and I spent time on the computer or reading or watching TV. Though most of it was us each doing our own thing. But I enjoy just being in their presence. Cassie was reaing one of her Warrior Cats books and I was reading more of "Ice Cold." 

For dinner we went to Alberston's. Paige got Oriental Noodle salad. Cassie got a sandwich, potato salad and chips. Then I got fried chicken. Mmmmmm! Then we each got a soda and I also got mini-cupcakes. 

Then went Jason and Susan came home, Cassie decided she wanted to come home with me. Jason, of course, didn't want her to. He'd like it if I never had time with her, though he says he wants her to have time with me other than a little time here and there. I guess I shouldn't say too much. But sometimes i feel like he thinks he's better than me.Of course, I might be projecting that with my low-self esteem.  Anyway, Cassie and Paige came home with me. I came in here and watched "Finding Bigfoot" and "The Glades" which I kind of half watched because I was working on "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" I added a new Forum for music videos. The sad thing is, I don't know how to embed them into a post, so I use a pic and link it.

Anyway, I gave Jordan the last two pieces of my fried chicken and then I had him water the yards. Apparently Cassie did the said yard. That's one less thing I have to worry about. What I do get to worry about is the fact that my mom is coming home with Diana on the 13th. Ugh!

I am glad I got stuff done on my groups. I'll probably check it one more time before I had this over to the girls for the night. As for how I'm feeling kind of okay. I also kind of felt depressed. I'm still just tired all the time. I hope I sleep tonight. I should. I need to get up relatively early for the girls. Well, maybe. Anyway, I guess that's it for now. The girls are being silly and distracting! LOL! And I'm enjoying it!

 

Not Much Doing

Well, I blew off my appointment to get that piece replaced on my car. I rescheduled the appointment for Wednesday morning. I'll be missing class that day, but it's just how it is.

I ended up sleeping almost all day. I didn't get up until 6:00pm. I just didn't want to get up. Then I've been snacking on crap all day. I'm going to gain another 10 pounds at this rate. That sucks, but I really am just wanting to eat and eat what I want. The Kettle Corn has been really good though and I still have some left.

But other than snacking, I haven't done much else. I just have been on Cafemom. I watched a special on HLN called "Justice for Caylee" which isn't even possible. It ticks me off. But I watched that. Then other than that, I watched something on T-rex on Discovery and then "Mythbusters" came on and I've been watching that since. OF course, it's to the point now where they are repeating. Ah well. I am feeling a bit tired so I might go back to sleep here shortly.

I did eat something of a dinner. I ate rice with sweet and sour sauce. I wanted BBQ sauce, but we didn't have any, which sucked. It tasted good enough. There's still a little rice left, but I think I'll leave that alone for now. Anyway, one more snack and then it's back to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and do more.             

Oh Happy Day!

Outside of the heatwave today, it's really been a good day. My mom and Diana left for the reunion today. I slept in til about 1:30pm. Jason kept calling like a pain in the butt. He wanted to come over and when he wants to he can be relentless! LOL! Anyway, I played on the computer for awhile, then I went and picked him up. I was so hot and sweaty. Then as he relaxed, I finally went and took a shower - a nice COOL show. It felt GREAT! I haven't had a shower feel that good in a long time! Anyway, Jason and I hung out for awhile, then Susan came and picked him up. I also got my $40. I then played more on Cafemom. I also watched some more stuff on Casey Anthony. I hope she never has another peaceful day of her life. She got away with murder. Poor little Caylee.

Eventually I woke up Jordan. We went to McDonald's for dinner. McDoubles, McChicken, rolo McFlurries and a soda for me. After that we went up to Walmart. I probably shouldn't have but I bought "Season of the Witch" and a 4th of July hair tie. I also bought tons more goodies. I guess I just can't help myself. I even got sparkling strawberry lemonade and rootbeer for Jordan. It's pretty good!

Anyway, we came home and watched the movie. I really enjoyed it, so it was a fantastic buy. Got into my kettle corn and ate about half of this HUGE bag. I'm glad I got it. I hadn't had kettle corn in ages. I forgot how good it was. I'm debating at the moment of having cookies, but I think I'll abstain for now. I need to be asleep soon since I have to wake up tomorrow and go to El Cajon Ford. Have to have that recalled piece replaced. I might check Cafemom one more time and then go to sleep watching "Rizzoli & Isles." I'm glad that it's cooled off tonignt. Thank god!

Okay, guess that's it for now.

                                           

Running Tired

I don't think this one is going to be too long. I am way too tired to sit here and write tons of stuff. But I will give an outline of my day. I woke up at 6:15am. I so didn't want to get up, but I did and got coffee. Then I headed u to the Welfare office. I ended up taking care of the papers last night to ease my mind about what what I needed to do. Anyway, I got up there and the office wasn't even opened yet! So I waited in my car for a few minutes. I drank my coffee and then I ended up grabbing my folder with the paperwork. I was bummed out to find out I couldn't take my coffee in with me. Apparently there had been a couple of slobs the week before. Anyway I threw it away and went inside. I actually got seen pretty quickly. I also went in for orientation and talked to the woman about my issue with the medi-cal and the other insurance that's not supposed to be on there. She seems to think it might be resolved in a week. I hope to God it is. Oh, and there must really be a God because my mom and Diana ARE going to the reunion!! Yay!

On my way home I stopped by Vons, but a smaller one I don't usually go to. I got some raspberry lemonade, mini bear claws and these other treat stuff - cream puff in chocolate and chocolate truffle. Would have been better if I'd had a spoon instead of having to use my fingers. LOL! 

ANyway, after I got home, I laid down and went to sleep. My mom woke me around 1:30pm. She needed me to take her to the Grossmont pharmacy so she could get her tabs. We stopped at the post office so she could get stamps. We went to that pharmacy, then she wanted to go to Walmart. I went in with her. I got a few things, but then I took out my book at the McDonald's - getting more Soda (I had gotten a drink at another McDonald's). "Ice Cold" is really an awesome book. Anyway, from there, we went back home. I got online on Cafemom and posted some stuff and caught up. Then Diana wanted to go to AAA and Costco and I took her. She was pleasant enough. Turns out she's still sick. That's not a good thing. I think she needs to see a doctor, but she isn't going to - especially because they're leaving tomorrow for San Francisco and the reunion. 

After that, I was back on the computer until Jordan got up. I watched "Burn Notice" but after that Jordan and I went to Vons. He got two sandwiches and I got a sandwich and a chicken cesare salad. We each got a Sobe to drink and then these little creampuff things - like what I had that morning. After that, he picked up a prescription for me and we headed to Walmart. I picked up some treats. I upset Jordan though, when I didn't buy the "Addam's Family" movie pack. I still might get it, but not yet. Anyway, we came home and now Jordan is in his room, very awake. The treats I bought are in the car since my mom was still awake. I have the alarm set for 5:00am to wake my mom up. 

So that's it. I have nothing to do tomorrow, but I do have a commitment on Saturday to get the car fixed - that board that got recalled or whatever. Anyway, I think that's it. I'm exhausted. It's after 1:00am. Time for bed.

              

Another Day Another Time For the Bitch!

I don't have much to say today. I slept almost the whole day. I wanted to. I have to wake up so early tomorrow it sucks. But I have to go to Welfare. I need to fill out the paperwork too. I just wish I didn't have to do it. Especially because I have hardly any fuel left and I just hate it. But we have to do what we have to do. 

My mom had a cow with the fact that I was sleeping so late and that Jordan did too. He slept longer than I did. I finally got up and watched some TV and got online. My mom or Diana had made dinner and I got Jordan up to eat and do dishes while Diana was on a walk. Of course, when she got home, she started yelling at mom. Whatever. It will come back to me sooner or later. As it is my mother has still been a bitch to me. She has been so verbally abusive. It's hard to be back in this position. It really is. I'm having heartburn every night. I am always anxious. I'm always tired. Emotionally this crap is just draining. And I can't say anything because I'm always wrong. Doesn't matter if I were right. I would be wrong no matter what. I fricken hate it. I just wish Diana would just go back to Dave or drop dead. I hate her. And now my mom says that they might not go to the family reunion! OMG!! Kill me now! I need a break from them! I need that week break!! Ugh! IF there really is a God, He will make them go to it and get them out of my life for a week so I don't flip out. I'll tell you, I don't know how much I can take if Diana is here. I have wanted to cut almost every day several times a day. What can I do? And if I leave they will do what they want with my room. I would be leaving Jordan alone here to fend for himself . . . I don't know. I don't know what to do. 

I'm going to hope that my food money is in tonight. I want to do some food shopping. Nothing major. Just want to get some snacks and stuff. My mom and Diana will have a cow, but you know, whatever. Then stop stressing me out! They have the attitude that I should do what they want if I want them to stop. Well, I want the same thing. I want them to stop before I give up my treats. Well, nothing is going to change though. I know it for a fact. That's how it goes here. My stress level isn't going to go down, so my stress eating isn't going to go down. I won't even try to stop it right now. I should, but I don't want to. I guess I just stuff with food. It will make me feel a little better at the moment. It may not later, but it will work for now.

Well, since I'm going to go out to Walmart in a bit and go shopping, I think I should get dressed. :-P I just hope my food money is in so I don't look like an idiot in line. I might have to take my heartburn medicine now. I hate that it's happening everynight. Anyway, I suppose that's it for now. I am hating life at the moment, but there's nothing I can do about it. So there you have it. Crap on crap. I just need to get dressed and finish watching "Haunted Collector" season finale. Almost can't wait to get to the store.

                  

The Paxil Upset

Well, it's been a long day. But it was nice to wake up to Cassie. I wanted to go back to sleep for a little bit, but I got moving. I didn't realize Susan was bringing the girls over so early. Though I told her the appointment was at 10:00am. But that was okay. We left early enough to stop at the store for donettes and for me to get a diet Dr. Pepper from McDonald's. I knew approximately where I was going, but I wasn't sure where exactly. Anyway, we headed down there and I drove around another 15-20 minutes just trying to find this place. If Kate wouldn't have called, I might have figured it out eventually, but she told me where they were and boom. We made it there. First Kate talked to Cassie alone while I figured out paperwork. Then she took me back to talk with her. She thinks Cassie would benefit from a low dose of paxil. I think so too, especially when school starts. But OMG! When Jason found out he was an asshole telling me that he wasn't going to make her take them. I told him I was the mom and I had to make the decision and he flipped out. Tried to tell me that because he lived with her it should be his decision. I corrected him on that. He said take her then. I told him I'd pick her up tonight, but he'd have to explain it. I knew he couldn't handle it. He was apologizing and everything. I also talked to Susan who was trying to say medication is bad too, but this is what was recommended by a professional - a competent professional. Not like those quacks they have at El Cajon County Mental Health. Anyway, it eventually all worked out. He apologized. He's not thrilled with the idea but it will be a low dose. I'm sure it won't be over 20mg. I'm hoping it will help her out when it comes to school. Of course, she has a full Physical on the 11th. I need to talk to her doctor about it. Because Cass is on a waiting list for therapy and psychiatry. It's going to take time. So Kate suggested going to the doctor and asking her for the paxil. So that's the plan.

Something cool happened with my groups. There was a woman who had just started a movie group and I told her I'd join hers if she'd join mine and she did!! It's cool! I have someone that will actually POST!! Then I decided I'd invite her to "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy" and she joined!! She also posted a couple of things. FINALLY!! So I'm happy about that.

I also finished reading "State if Fear" and now I'm reading "Ice Cold" by Tess Gerritsen. So far I'm over 100 pages into it. It's just that good! I think I'll finish it pretty quickly. Then I'm going to read the book Cassie left called "Fallen." I'm glad I am reading. I just wish I had more stories by Tess Gerritsen. I really love her work. 

Anyway, Jordan and I had raviolies for dinner. That was good. But we're both hungry again. But I have to finish this and then maybe wait until Diana's upstairs. Though I think we're just going to go eat. Diana was pleasant enough earlier. She invited us to have some of her corn. But still. I don't trust her farther than I could throw her, but I'm going to go with this calm for now. I just don't want shit from her. I don't want her attitude. We'll see, I guess. 

Well, I'm skipping class tomorrow so that I have the fuel to make it to Welfare on Thursday. I have to be re-evaluated for benfits. I don't have a note from my therapist, but I hope they don't give me issues about it. I can get them and they usually give me a stupid form to take to him anyway. Ugh! I hate this crap, but I got to do what I got to do.

Okay, this was probably pretty disjointed. My brain is sort of scattered, but all in all I'm okay. I watched "Deadliest Catch" and "After the Catch" and now it's time to maybe get that cereal and head to bed.

Later!

                           

Happy 4th of July Everyone!!!

The day started like shit. My mother was a total bitch to me. She berated me, put me down. She did all she could to tear me down! Reduced me to tears and she fucking abused me over that too. And her excuse as always - then do what I want and I won't abuse you. Then she had the nerve to say to me that Diana was walking in the heat to the store because she felt I didn't like her and didn't want to ask me for the ride. Well fine with me!! The less time I spend with that bitch the better. But OMG! She thinks I don't like her?? I wonder why?? It couldn't have anything to do with the fact she treats my friends like shit and talks shit to my face about my kids. Whatever. She needs to go back to Florida and stay there. And she told me she wasn't going to be nice anymore. So if she's not going to be nice anymore, I don't have to be either. Not that I would tell her no if she wanted a ride. I'm a bigger person than that bitch. Probably scared my mom to death when I drove her to the post office and pharmacy. But whatever. With the way she treated me, she deserved it. I was so upset, I almost wanted to stay home and cut on my arms and wrists. But you know, I wanted to spend the 4th with people who actually love and care about me and who would never abuse me like that. 

So anyway, I got on the computer for a little bit before we left. I made sure I got my swim suit on and that I have my 4th of July shirt on. Well, more like patriotic shirt, but it works. Then I picked Jason up from work. From there we went up to the pool over near Susan's mom's. I actually parallel parked. It went okay. I'm not great at it though. Swimming was awesome and so much fun. I have all kinds of pix though they aren't as good as last year. It's still good. And I loved swimming with the kids. We found a pool toredo or something and it goes through the water like a bullet. We all played with it and with a pink noodle. I just had so much fun in general and I really needed that. 

After that, we changed and went and got our parking spots for the Fireworks! From there, I got a shopping cart and used that to walk to  Hometown. That was good. I hadn't been there in forever. It's changed, but it was still pretty good. The New Orlean's Burbon chicken was awesome! I went back for more. The sad thing is I just didn't have enough room to try everything I wanted. LOL! Ah well. I was so full after that. LOL! But we went back to the cars and hunkered down for the two hour wait. I was distracted for awhile but ultimately I started reading. Then  my light went out! Ugh! But that's okay. The Fireworks were fantastic!! The booms kept setting off  car alarms which I thought was hysterical. Some people were annoyed by it. But it was funny! Well, to me anyway. I also got better pix this year. Unfortunately, I have trees in my way, but I think I got some nice shots. Maybe I can crop them or something. Either way, they're good. 

Jordan and I finally got home. Grandma is sleeping on the couch, because I was going to have Jordan tell her we were home. Diana is nowhere to be seen - which means she's probably upstairs - where she needs to stay.  So for the most part the day was good. Just the first hour or so sucked. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow though. There will probably be more shit instore either from Diana or my mom or both. They are making me miserable and it makes them happy, I think. At least it gives Diana the jollies and she gets jollies getting my mother to go against me too. Ugh! Bitch! 

Anyway, focus on the good today. Focus on the good! It was really great to spend another 4th of July with Jason and Susan. It's awesome. I hope we do this every year! I have an early morning too. Ick. Ah well. Got to get this done. Gotta take Cassie to her AB2726 intake appointment. I just hope I can get down there and back.

                             

Dinner and a Movie

Well, I'm writing this kind of late, but at least it will be written. As it is, I'm pretty tired. Not that its been a long day, but I have just been dragging lately. Of course, the stress couldn't have anything to do with it. No! Not at all! :-P

I don't remember how late I slept. I know it was probably on the lines of 1:00pm-2:00pm. I didn't want to have any interaction with Diana at all today and I did a pretty good job of avoiding her. My mom, however, is another story. She's starting to turn into a bitch because Diana is in her fucking ear telling her what shits we are and everything else. I really just want to start cutting on myself. Even now thinking about it I want to cut. I hate Diana. I hate her with a passion and I just wish she'd go back to Florida with Dave and never come back again. I thought maybe things would be okay, but no. Diana has to be her own ugly self. She just can't help herself. It's just how she is and she HATES me and my kids. She'll say she doesn't, but she does. Otherwise she could be a decent person and not condescending all the time.

Anyway, once I was up, I got online and onto Cafemom. It was neat. I had a new member! I guess the 40 invites I sent out generated some interest! Which was really cool! I went to go get something to eat and that's when my mom fucking ambushed me. Ugh! So I just went back to my room. What's funny is I slammed my door a bit to see if Diana would come running and though I'm not positive, I think she did! Whatever. Bitch. 

After that, Jason told us to get sodas and go over. We never drank the soda either. But we had dinner there. Susan made Chili Mac and it was neat to have Jordan there too. It's been awhile since he came over with me. It's more food but it's good to have him. I also got lots of hugs from Cassie. I talked a little bit with Jason about the wanting to cut, but I don't think he gets it. It's not what he deals with so he doesn't understand it well. Duana also came over for dinner. She got the lapband procedure done and she's lost like 40lb. I asked a few questions and we talked about it. I think it's cool that she can eat just a little bit and get full. Made me curious about checking into the surgery again. But I can't under this stressful environment. All I want to do is eat cakey sweets. That's what I crave during these times.

After dinner and Duana left. I stuck around a little more. We watched some stuff together and then we got kicked out. LOL! Nicely kicked out. Jason has work tomorrow. It might be the 4th of July, but he's working and getting double-time. Nice! On the way home Jordan and I both wanted dessert so we got sundaes from McDonald's. I got hot fudge and Jordan got Caramel. We seemed to have switched flavors tonight. We usually get the opposite. But I also had to go to the store to get milk and I still wanted more so we found bags of Donettes. Jordan got chocolate and I got powdered sugar. They were 2 for $5. I also got some water. I love to get good, cold water. 

Once we finally got home Jordan and I went into my room and we put on "Red Riding Hood" and it was such a good movie!!! It kept you wondering until the very end who the wolf was! And it was someone that made sense, but not someone you would have thought of! It was cool!! I am glad I got it!

Then I went back on Cafemom again for a bit and turned out I have another member to my "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group! It's so awesome! And this woman actually took a poll and left a comment!! Yay!! She has 9 kids though. That's insane! LOL!

And tomorrow is Independence Day! I'm supposed to pick Jason up from work and then we're going to meet Susan, Cassie and Katie Kelly at the pool. My mother is going to kill me, but I'm going to Hometown tomorrow night for dinner and then we're going to watch fireworks! Should be fun, but I feel sick to my stomach. I know it's just nerves because of the stress and I don't like driving where I don't know where I'm going. Not that I won't do it. It's just something else for me to stress about. But if I can relax I think I'll be okay.

So now, I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep. But I almost wish I wouldn't wake up to have to face another day.   

The Bitch is Definitely Back

Okay, I am more than ready for Diana to leave now. She is a bitch, getting in everyone's face looking for a fight . . . I can't handle her. I was so upset last night that I had a massive panic attack. It was bad enough my chest started hurting. So I took a lot of stuff to help me sleep. Well, it worked. I slept for 13 or 14 hours. Even now I feel bad I did it. It was time I missed with Cassie. Just makes me feel like a failure. It doesn't take much, does it?

Then Diana was being a bitch. Basically, Jason and Susan came over again. My mom came over us and she was talking to us about how many days it took to clean Jordan's room. Anyway, after a few minutes she goes outside. Then suddenly, the bitch Diana comes down from her lofty tower where she holds her nose in the air. Immediately she goes, "What's going on?" I said "Nothing" she then saw Jason and Susan and said "What are YOU doing here?" You know if was fine they were there last night when Jason was helping her scrawy ass haul stuff out of the backyard. "They're visiting" Duh . . . "Well, what was mom upset over?" I said nothing. She was talking to us about Jordan's room. "Then she was upset." "No, she wasn't," I said. "Well, I heard a door slam." Jason, Susan and I all looked at one another. "We didn't hear a door slam." I don't remember anything after that, except her going outside with my mom and making SURE she CLOSED the door so we couldn't hear her. Fucking bitch. Like I give a shit. I just want to cut myself. I really do. I want to cut my arms and wrists. I just want the pain to stop. Basically I just can't stand to be in this position again. I don't deserve it!! Then she comes to me after Jason and Susan leave saying "I don't mean to be nasty. But your kids . . . Cassie's black walls and Jordan's attitude . . ." I don't remember the rest of the bashing. But tell me, how does Cassie's fucking black walls of her room AT JASON AND SUSAN'S effect her sorry ass?? And how is it any of her business?? Jason got ticked when I told him. He said, "It's my house and it's none of her business." Duh! But Diana always has to put her nose in every fucking thing. But what was nice was Jason took my EBT card and checked the balance and then brought me the money.  So I planned to go to Walmart. But Diana came to me and was saying "I don't mean to be nasty (or whatever word she used), but you need to take a shower. It's affecting everything." I didn't care the fact that she wanted me to take a shower, but effecting everything?? Can we be anymore dramatic?? Anyway, I asked her how it effects everyone. And of course, the smell follows me making the house smell. The fucking house, the fucking house! Then she also asked if I would take care of the cans and bottles today. I said sure and left to do that first. Once Jordan and I left, we took care of the cans and bottles and glass, we got $11.10. Before I went into Albertson's to collect it, I swung by McDonald's. I NEEDED something to drink, so I bought Jordan and I each a drink and bought him a burger because he hadn't had anything to eat. I almost didn't go to Walmart, but Jordan talked me into it. And part of me was like - yeah, lets go! I don't care if I smell. I'll go anyway. Oh, and another thing. My daughter chose NOT to stay with me for the couple of days she wanted to because of my bitch sister. She ran off my daughter! Fuck her.

Anyway, we found a good spot at Walmart and there was a cart right there. Once inside, we went to the pet section. Got some treats and a couple of toys for Karissa. I shouldn't have bothered with the laser pointer. She has no interest and I have yet to have a good test of the treat dispenser. My mother called and I asked her if she wanted me to get dinner out. Told her we were at Walmart. I also told her I got my money. Maybe I shouldn't have. I loaned $60 to Jason and Susan, but they needed it. And with everything they're done for me. But I have to somehow get flea stuff for Karissa too. Anyway, after I hung up, I went and got nose spray an acid reducer. Can't imagine WHY I have heartburn! Then I also had Jordan grab us refills at McDonald's.

From there we went upstairs. I kinda got more than I should, but I found two movies for $5 - "Blazing Saddles" and "V for Vedetta" - both widescreen. Then I also picked up the first season of "Rizzoli and Isles" which it was awesome. I also grabbed a book and a skeen of yarn for one of my blankets I'm crocheting. And I grabbed a Woman's World too. Once we left we had to decide where to go and we both settled on Taco Bell because I hadn't been there for so long. I got one of the new XXL grilled burritos. It was really good! And big!!! I also got a strawberry ice drink. Then Jordan got two 5-layer burritos and a regular bean and cheese burritos. Unfortunately, I seem to have come down with diahreah. Good thing we got back home relatively quickly. So far no accidents, which is excellent. I think it was just I haven't had Taco Bell in so long.

Being home, I finally brushed out my hair and took a shower. I also talked to Nicole for awhile. She's having some issues in her relationship, but I'm sure it'll get worked out. Then we talked about Tim and I vented about Diana. I was worried she'd hear me. I don't know if she did, but after I hung up, I saw her come in through the gate with a bag so maybe she was walking to the store. I just don't want anymore fucking drama!

Then as if that's not enough, my mom wants me to give her the full amount of money!! Welfare cut my money by $50!! I am so upset. That's triggering me too - badly. I just want to cut myself. Maybe go to the hospital. But then not . . . I'm afraid to go and leave my room unattended. I am afraid because I'm addicted to nose spray, but I really, really, really, want to cut all over my arms.

Anyway, I guess that's it. So far Diana has not gotten back into my face. So that's a good thing. Of course, the night isn't over yet. But it is late. WHY did she have to come back? Why?? She needs to go back to Dave and leave us alone! And damn am I tired. I wanted to watch Rizzoli and Isles, but I think I might end up going to sleep. We'll see. Guess that's it.

The Fucking Drama Starts Again!

I am so sick to my stomach. I knew the other shoe would drop and, surprise, surprise, it has! I picked up Jordan last night and that's what happened. Her and Jordan. Get this, he wasn't doing the dishes right and she comes and bitches at me and she wanted me to tell him how to do dishes HER way when I don't even do them HER way! Ugh! So she got into a huff with me. I just let her talk and I didn't fight with her. And believe it or not, Jordan didn't cuss at her though she said he did, I think. Actually, I am so upset I can't remember. My mind goes fuzzy with this crap sometimes and I guess it's one of those times. I just can't believe she had to do that. But what I think is interesting neither Jordan or I would engage her in an argument. So that might have her in a tizzy too. She wants fights and I think she was itching for one. Guess I won't be leaving my room a lot tomorrow, if at all. I mean, not that I did before, but I don't want anymore shit from her. Even now my chest hurts, I'm light-headed and generally feel like crap.

The thing was today started off kind of bad. Well, not bad. I was just so tired. I was going to try to wake up early, but I couldn't. I just couldn't wake up. Of course that might have something to do with the fact I was up until almost 3:30am. I was exhausted too, but I ended up listening to music and stuff. Then this morning I didn't do much. But my mom wanted me to take her and Diana to the bank. So I did that without complaint. I sat out in the hot fucking heat for half an hour. Did I bitch and complain? NO! Of course, when I got home, Cassie was here. It's been good to have her here. And it's been good to have Jordan home too. It's just Diana. It's like a flashback to the horrible, nightmarish past. 

Cassie and I basically listened to music and played with the computer. I didn't spend that much time on it. But after dinner tonight - well before dinner too - I have been sending out greets from my group "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" because even though I have 7 members NO ONE is active except me! It's a little disheartening. So I'm going to try to get a few more members and maybe eventually I'll get someone who will play with me on there.

My chest is still hurting. I am going to have to take some ativan for sure. Probably two of them. This sucks! I shouldn't have to walk around my own fucking house like this because of HER. THIS isn't her home anymore! She doesn't have a fucking right to act the way she does. Not that it will stop her. After all, this is about mom. That's the excuse she'll use. I'm back to wishing she'd drop dead again. Well, maybe not. But I want her GONE! Let her go back to her Dave and make his life happy or whatever. She needs to be anywhere other than HERE. She is a very hard person to get along with. She doesn't see it, but she is. She says I am, but then why do I have friends and have had the same friends for years? Whatever . . . I'll just have to take my medicine, try not to cry and hope I can get some sleep. I just feel so sick and I HATE her FUCKING DRAMA! She always has to bring it in somewhere. I just have to stop talking about her and thinking about her. She just needs to disappear.

Anyway, I guess that's it. I don't have anything nice to say about Diana today except that she made lunch. Whatever. She says she's done being nice. Whatever I didn't do anything to her, but I guess if that's the case, I don't have to take her anywhere either. Okay, I'm done. I'm done . . . though I am still upset and still sick to my stomach and angry too. I guess I still do hate her. I can't forget the shit she's done because she keeps doing it. Whatever. I might be lazy, but she is a bitch. Can't fix that. And I have a reason for being lazy. She has no reason for being a bitch. She just is one. Fuck her! I can't stop bitching. Ugh!! I have to go. I hate her!

                          

Am I a Sea Urchin?

Well, today has been different. But I guess not in a bad way. I just hope it doesn't turn into something bad.

I managed to wake up early this morning and I went to class. It was great. First class was mostly Kim venting about stuff, but it was important to get it out. We also covered symtoms before crisis and what's a crisis. I was amazed and how much her and I and Lynne had in common with our symptoms! It was actually kind of nice to know it wasn't just me. Kim said it was good to hear too for the same reason. Guess we have a tendency to think we're the only ones, or it doesn't register that other people experience. I suppose the way to say that is we know it, but we don't KNOW it until we hear it from someone else.

The next class was group process. I forget the guy's name that shared first. Kim didn't because she did last class. Then it was me and I really just let it out about all the anxiety I feel with Diana here. I got to express how I felt like I was a sea urchin with all the prickly spines. I am so stressed about her being here and with her not feeling well and doing all she does, I just don't know if and when she'll go off. She hasn't yet and that's a very good thing. But if she goes off she might end up taking me up and over the edge and I could end up in the hospital. Not that that would be a horrible thing, but that isn't something I want. I just wish I wasn't so on edge. I really have tried being nice and telling her when I appreciate stuff. I don't know if it matters to her. But really, even if she doesn't, that's fine as long as she doesn't go off on me.

After class, I came home. I got on Cafemom for awhile, but eventually I laid down and I crashed out. I had a weird dream I can only remember bits and pieces of. I can't put a lot of it together. It's like I get a hint of what I was dreaming and then is just fizzles away. But the weird thing with this dream, but that I was known. I can't remember for what. And I was taking my shirt off to give it to someone in a crowd like it was a prize or something. LOL! And I didn't think anything about being topless. Go figure. In fact, I felt like I still had something on, but I didn't - on the top that is. 

Eventually my mom woke me up so that I could take her to go get her medication then she wanted to go to Vons to pick up a couple of things. It's nice that it's in the same parking lot as the pharmacy. My mom also gave me enough money to get some cold water. Thank goodness. I also got to read a little more of "State of Fear." I'm getting close to the end. I think I surprised my mom on the way home. She was bringing up the Casey Anthony trial and I think I surprised her with how much I knew about it. I was saying did you hear this? Did you hear that? And she hadn't. But I watch it all day long for the most part.

When we got back Diana had chicken done - BBQ chicken from the oven. Yum! I ended up getting three pieces! I also turned on the Trail Coverage. As soon as I was done, I went to my room. Jason called and we talked a bit about how I was feeling. He says I've been different today and well, between being tired and Diana, I guess that's enough to throw me off. I worry so much. I guess I shouldn't but I do. 

I did play more on Cafemom and almost forgot "Burn Notice" was on because I was doing that AND I was watching some of the trail coverage I'd missed. But I eventually remembered and it was a GOOD episode. I eventually got to watch the first half. Then I watched about half of "Suits" before I got a phone call. First I was kind of surprised because it was my brother Tim's phone. Turned out to be Jordan which I thought it might be, but I wasn't sure why. Ended up that he'd had enough with Tim and wanted to come home. So I went out and got him. I didn't tell anyone because no one was around so he'll be a surprise in the morning. I'll tell you, I am really freaked out about him  being back, but on the other hand I don't feel so alone now. I don't hang out with Jordan all the time, but knowing he's there is enough sometimes. And secondary thing is that it's good to have his help around here again. I just hope he doesn't get into it with Diana at any point. I laid some ground rules down, but with Jordan that doesn't always mean anything. He has a tendency to do what he wants to do regardless. But I was serious with him that I might end up in the hospital and I really didn't want to do that. It would probably help my case for the SSI! So it wouldn't be a bad thing necessarily. LOL! But still, I would rather not. Of course, that's because I'm addicted to that damn nose spray. 

Anyway, I just hope things go smoothly. I told him what I wanted him to do and what I didn't want him to do. But none of it means anything really. It will play out how it plays out. But at least he'll be participating on  the 4th of July with us! :-D I am looking forward to that. 

Well, it's after 1:00am and I didn't mean to stay up this late so I'm going to head to bed. I was going to go to the gym tomorrow, but I don't know. I'll have to see how I feel in the morning. But I don't want to sleep all day. Plus I want Jordan not to sleep all day either. But we'll see. And that's it!