Gearing Up for the Holidays

Well, what can I say? Monday night I took a bath to do some reading - yes the tub is my reading place! LOL! I was reading "I, Alex Cross" by James Patterson. I was about half way through it when I picked up. My mistake was not putting it down. The farther I got the most I had to know how it was going to end! Do that ever happen to you? Anyway, I ended up reading the rest of the book! I was in the tub for something like 4.5 hours. And in a lot of ways it was worth it, but it took a lot out of me the next day. I was up until about 1:00am and then I woke up around 9:00am give or take. I used to be able to go on the littlest amount of sleep and still function properly. But now? Nope. Yesterday, I crashed at 4:30pm. Was woken up around 7:00pm to have some dinner, then I went back to sleep and though I woke up a lot I didn't want to wake today at 8:30am. But I did!! And I perked up as the day went on though I am getting amazingly tired.

Yesterday was good too. Marissa came over with a woman that works with Cassi at school and we talked. It was good to find out what was going on in school with her, which she has been doing good for the most part until last week. I'll sit Cassi down and speak with her and see if there is something I can do for her or set a new rule for her to get her bus pass. I also found out about an assignment she has to do for English and it should be a snap for her. Five paragraphs about what she would like to change about herself. 

Marissa and I also talked about my own mental health. I have had some rocky days on and off for a bit and I told her I was thinking about going back to the CBT classes at Heartland (CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). She thought that was a good idea and we made that as my goal this week. She was happy to hear that I went. Marissa is such an awesome person and really encourages me. She also says that she gets a lot out of working with me too. In fact, I'm going to be helping her with more mental health stuff because as I go to the groups at Heartland I can share more and more with her - papers, exercises and stuff like that! We are also going to discuss more about my budget not so much next month but January. We also talked a bit about the coming new year and things I might want to work on achieving  - one of which is getting back on my protein shakes and get back to working on myself again. That's the main one! :-) There are a couple more, but that's the top one on my mind. But she set me in a good mood. 

After that, I took my mom to Walmart so she could do some shopping. I had to go slow. LOL! But I didn't mind. My mom was nice enough to buy me a steno pad that I can use for my budgeting. The one I was using disappeared. Literally. I checked everywhere and it was just gone. It sucked because now I am thinking I have left something off on my list of things to pay. But I'm sure I have everything. There's still that doubt though. She also got me some fabreeze which I have been using in my car. I need to get another one for my room. My mom also got me my Christmas present! Yeah, it kind of sucks in some ways, but you know, at least I get something I want and it fits. Not that it wouldn't 4X fits me perfect.

When I got home though, I was exhausted! I came in, grabbed a cup of coffee to perk me up . . . nope. I fell asleep! So I was basically asleep by 5:00pm. Was woken up at 7:00pm for some dinner - which was good! Then I went back to sleep after that. I woke up several times last night, but I slept until 8:30am. I did start perking up though! I got dressed, got water, gave Karissa treats, feed the fish . . . Then I went to my CBT group - which it's CBT/Coping skills together followed by Social Skills. I really don't need social skills, but I enjoy being social in that class. I still remembered most of the CBT, though the Arrow Technique I definitely needed a refresher. My happy level on a scale of 1 - 10 my first level was about a 7, which is pretty good. After the first group, I was up to an 8. 

When I came home after class I had a WONDERFUL surprise! My $50 check came in!! I needed that check earlier in the week, but since I had some fuel help I was able to take the money and use it toward Christmas! Yay! SO I went to the bank to cash the check, went to McDonald's to get a large Caramel Iced Coffee and somewhere between there I lost $10. I didn't know though, until I checked out and had to put more back than I wanted to. It turned into a very nice moment though. The woman behind me gave me a couple of bucks to at least get the hot chocolates I wanted. I got Peppermint Hot Cocoa mixes for gifts and the box of hot chocolate as gifts too. I still have a lot of get for Christmas, but I think I can do it this year and I LOVE giving to my friends and my mom.

But it was so nice to start on my Christmas shopping!! Totally awesome! I can't say much, but I got some big mugs that come with a spoon. I did also grab a $5 Christmas movie for myself - Eloise at Christmastime. It is such a cute movie! I can't wait to do the rest of my shopping! I love Christmastime! It's the best time of the year! For me anyway! It makes me even happier to actually be able to give gifts. There were so many years I just couldn't. So far a good opening for the Holidays! Yay!!

Now tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'll be going to my mother's. On Friday Jason, Susan, myself, the kids and a couple other friends are getting together for another Thanksgiving. THAT is the one I REALLY look forward too! Now I just have to remember to take pix!!! :-)

Sunshine On Me!

Well, I feel kind of tired today. I was up LATE last night. I was up to 1:00am or a little longer than that! Originally I stayed up last night because I thought I had to pick Cassi and her friends up from a concert at Soma. In fact, one of the moms gave me fuel money. I don't think the kids told her they got a ride home from someone else. But it must have been God because I was expecting $50 and it didn't show up this month. I didn't know how I was going to make it to December 1st with as little fuel I had left. But now, I have fuel and it will last me! God knew and He provided! Anyway, I was still awake when they came home. I just wanted to make sure they got home okay. Once they did, I stopped working on Facebook and FINALLY try to sleep.

When I did fall asleep I had different dreams. But the one that stands out the most for me is one where I was finding ants on me in bed and as I got up I saw rows of ants not just on the bed, but on the floor on the carpet. That freaked me out! LOL! I still have a HUGE paranoia of ants! It didn't help that I did find one crawling on me yesterday. But it was just one and there was no rows of ants! But I guess the paranoia stuck with me into dreamland. 

Yesterday was awesome! I woke up feeling great! I got things done! I also got almost every Facebook page updated. Some require more work than others. My holidays one takes the most! But I celebrate the seasons and traditional holidays. Of course, anything else I find I do add - like Friday the 13th is coming up next month and I have pix saved on my computer to post for fun! Right now though, I am celebrating autumn, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Soon it will be Christmas and New Years! I do a countdown too! It ends on January 1st. After that it will go to Valentine's Day, maybe President Birthdays and definitely St. Patty's Day! We'll go from there! One of my pages I'm actually an admin of, but everyone loves what I post! So I try to post as many good pix of what fits the page each day!

I also took care of the cats and the fish. I was going to do some reading, but it was really too late by the time I thought about it. That's where I do my reading! LOL! And I am into a great book by James Patterson, "I, Alex Cross" and it is so good! I get sucked into the Alex Cross books! So far, there is nothing better! I can't wait to read them all! Next month I would really like to get "Merry Christmas, Alex Cross." I figure it's fitting! :-D I also found out what kind of books Susan really likes so it's giving me more ideas! I guess my Christmas list isn't set it stone yet! Anything could change!

Today I woke up tired. I was up before 9:00am though I was up so late. I wanted to go back to sleep, but after getting a little put off by Jason raising his voice - not to me. He was just frustrated over something - and then Cassi needing things I just went ahead and got up. Goodness knows I needed coffee! LOL! OMG! White Chocolate Raspberry is one of the BEST creamers ever! I think I have a new fav and it kinda sucks because this one is one out at one time of year! Ah well . . . There's always Almond Joy!

I was a little stressed about Cassi today, but you know, she's going to be dating and she's on a date today - her and her new beau went to the movies! He took her to see "Catching Fire." I hope they enjoy it. It made me feel better that it's someone several of her friends know and are friends with. I hope she hangs onto this one for awhile - give her a taste of a real relationship, but she does go through boys like tissue paper. But it would be nice! 

Then Susan and I had a nice chat. We really don't talk that often like that even though we live in the same place, but we are usually doing other things and sometimes aren't that chatty. But today we had a nice talk! We talked about all kinds of stuff! Books, movies, stories and games and history . . . Awesome! It was nice! I don't often talk to people in RL anymore! I know, I'm weird. I chat on the phone a little, write letters a little and write emails a little. I don't do a lot of any of them. Guess I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts a lot of the times!

Another really good thing is I'm going to try to reserve enough fuel to go to Heartland once a week, if I can, to participate in a couple of their classes again. I want to go to Cognitive Therapy and maybe Coping Skills. It depends what class is before Cog therapy or after. But I think it would be a positive step for me to get me out of the house a bit and get back to taking care of me! So I'm hoping maybe Wednesday to go to Heartland. I think they're open until the day before Thanksgiving. I will call tomorrow morning and find out.

Oh and last night was great! Jordan got his favorite dinner by Susan for his Birthday - Chicken Parmesan. I have to say it was delicious! But I ate too much and was sick for a couple of hours. I was thinking about making myself throw up to relieve the pain. But I distracted myself with something - I think the internet. Then by the time I pulled away, I was better. I was finally able to take my meds and drink some water. Had I tried earlier I really would have thrown up! But it was great to have Jordan here and have dinner with him. Jason let him order a movie for his birthday so he rented "Inglorious Bastards." I hadn't actually seen the whole thing before - though I recently bought it for $5. It was good and a bit gory. Of course, it being a Quinten Terentino (sp?) movie  it's expected. Jason went into the back room and Susan put her ear buds in. Neither liked the movie for it's gore! LOL! Some of it was pretty brutal like the scalping scenes! But considering it was being done on the Nazis (in the movie) it seemed appropriate to me! LOL! Okay, maybe that's creepy! What can I say? They were BAD guys!

Well, I have had a ton of coffee today. I still feel exhausted, but I still need to work on the Facebook pages. I will get to them, though it will be a question of when, because I am thinking about taking a bath and doing some reading. I don't want to wait until it's too late. Hopefully I will sleep tonight! Anyway, I guess that's it for now!

Catch Ya Later!

Back On the Horse

FINALLY I can write and FINALLY I feel better! For a couple of weeks there, I wasn't feeling like myself. In fact, my depression got a hold of me. That's never fun. The meds help most times, but other times the feelings over-rule the meds. Medication is never 100% and who would really want that? I don't want to be a robot, but I sure could do without the bouts of depression! In fact, a little happy happy would be welcomed for a few days! :-) Of course, going up and down is not exactly what we want, but still . . . some energy and feeling great is a wonderful!

My sister came back to town and I thought she might stay through the Holidays, but as a fantastic surprise me, she LEFT!!! Thank God! I mean, wow! I think that's why my mom didn't want the kids and I there. She didn't want to take any chances with a fight. But the thing is, I'm not the one that starts crap! Tim is coming though and he, alone, causes arguments. For 4th of July when I went to pick up Jordan from my mom's (his Grandma) and apparently before I got there Tim got into an argument with Nancy - who stays with Grandma now to watch out for her and help her around the house.There is always the chance he could start something with her. He usually don't start crap with me because I don't like debates. I won't engage in them. Of course, now that I have said this, he's going to start crap with me this time! But now that Diana is gone the kids and I are invited to Thanksgiving dinner after all!

This week has been pretty good except for a couple of days where I was just so down. One day, in fact, I literally slept on and off all day! Then I had no energy. I couldn't get myself motivated to do much of anything. When I talked to my therapist I unloaded a bunch of stuff that was hanging out inside me. In fact, I was bottling it up and that doesn't usually happen to me. But I felt like I couldn't say anything to anyone. It sucked! But once I unloaded it, I started feeling much better. I need to do a better job of not holding crap in. It was just so personal that I couldn't write it on here in case the friends involved read this. It would effect them negatively and that's something I won't do. There are some things that ARE better left unsaid. But it didn't benefit me any! LOL! But it was better to save the feelings of such good friends. 

One of the best things from Cassi's school was getting help through the Parent Advocate. Her name is Marissa and she is AWESOME! She has been helping me move forward in my life. She is trying to help me find other housing. I'm almost ready to move out on my own though it scares me to death! But I can't stay with Jason and Susan forever. Cassi and I need a place we can call our own. And if Jordan could get a job he could move in with us and it would help out all the way around! :-) I am so worried about bills though. Not sure how I would afford them. But somehow I have to make it work relatively soon. My goal is to move out sometime next year. I am crossing my fingers! LOL! Pray for me!! Please!!! :-P

I also have Christmas gift ideas for everyone this year! I am hoping I have enough money for it all. It's not tons of stuff and it's not completely expensive, but I like being able to give family and friends gifts! It means a lot of me because for so long I couldn't do it. If I have planned it right I should be able to get gifts for everyone this year! :-) I so hope so! Next year might be too tight so I want this year to show how much I love and appreciate everyone. I want to post what I'm going to try to get, but again, should any one come across it . . . Well anyway, I want to make Christmas special for as many of my friends as possible. Though it's going to be limited to local friends. That's the unfortunate part because I couldn't afford shipping on top of gifts. :-( But I do have Christmas Cards already and I've been making notes for my Christmas newsletter. My memory is so bad sometimes that I actually had to go through my camera and look at the pix so that I could remember the things that went on. Bad, right? LOL! But I as able to pull a lot of stuff out that I can share. But I want to get through Thanksgiving before I actually start writing the newsletter so I can include as much as I can into this one. It should be great! Of course, it's only for friends. Family . . . not so much!

What else can I say? Tonight is Jordan's birthday dinner. Jason and Susan do this for Jordan every year. This time his girlfriend is coming and I know he's going to LOVE that! Susan is also making his request and favorite - Parmesan Chicken. Yum!!! Her's is delicious! So needless to say I am looking forward to dinner tonight. Jordan already got his present - Ice Cream (Great Value version of Extreme Moose Tracks). He loved each and every bite! Yep! He ate the whole thing! When Susan and I took his ice cream to him I just didn't want to let go of him when I hugged him. I actually felt like crying as we left.  was so emotional that day. Not that I don't love him with all my heart, but I usually don't cry when I leave. It's not like he's moving away or anything. We live in the same county and only about 7 miles apart. I just wanted to hold him like he was little all over again. Time flies . . . I can't believe he's 22 years old now and that Cassi is 16  years old! They are so growing up on me!

Well, I think I am going to close this up. There are things I still need to do around here before it gets too much later. Hopefully I'll be able to write another Note from my Insane Mind tomorrow and yack all about Jordan's Birthday dinner! 

Until next time . . .

A Nasty Suprise

Yeah, I got a very nasty surprise yesterday. I was still a little down, but today I feel great! I am thinking it's because no one is hear with me today. I don't have to worry about Jason's moods or Susan snapping at Cassi or with Jason and Susan arguing with each other and worrying if it's going to spill over to me. Yesterday Jason was a putz again. I just left him alone, but I thought it was rude of him to just sit out there in the living room and just tell me he needed to be alone. I understand why he needed to do that - it was because he had to make an important call and he needed to be able to hear, but he didn't tell me when it was over and when I asked he said he just wanted to be alone because he never got time alone in the house. He said I could come out, but I just told him, next time tell me. But it did irritate me. Not that I was going to stay out there for long, but I just wanted to talk to him. So shutting me out didn't go over well with me.

I just feel like I can't talk to him anymore. I can't keep walking on egg shells around him. I  mean, I did enough of that when I lived with my mom and my sister. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to an extreme. I always felt like I was waiting for the next explosion and I'm starting to feel that way with him. It might get better, but I don't know. It doesn't seem likely with the stress of the holidays. The holidays are great! But I also know it comes with stress and he doesn't deal well with stress. But it has cemented my desire to move. My goal is to try to move out sometime next year. I'm not going to spend a minute more than I have to with someone that triggers me as often as he has been lately.

But here's the REALLY nasty surprise. I just mentioned my sister, right? And how abusive she was. Well, she's in town and staying with our mom. She is going to be here through Thanksgiving at least and possibly to Christmas. When my son, Jordan, told me I just about threw up with anxiety and I had massive panic attacks. I tried to deep breathe to calm me down and I eventually got a hold of my therapist, but I had NEVER had a reaction this bad to an abuser before. That just says how badly she abused me, I guess. I was freaking out because I wasn't sure I could deal with her, my mother and my brother Tim. God only knows if Wes is going to show up. After all, mom doesn't have very many Holidays left. I want to be there, but now I know why my mom was hoping I had somewhere else to go. I think I'm going to be there, but I'll talk to my mom. If she really doesn't want me there because it will stress her out, I'll just pick up Jordan and we'll come back to the apartment and spend the day together. Cassi might go to a friend's house if she can because she won't go near Diana. She says if she does bad things might happen and she doesn't want to stress out Grandma. I was telling myself I'm going to go and just deal with it, but it really does depend on what my mom wants me to do.

At least I feel better today. I felt much better after talking with my therapist. He helped me through it. And I wrote about it a little bit. Once I was able to calm down, I was ready to realizing that things will probably be okay. But it still comes down to my mom.

I woke up in a good mood! That's always a good thing. I didn't have nightmares, at least none I remember - the night before I had a couple bad ones! It threw me off then with Jason . . . But today I woke up feeling good! I got dressed, gave Karissa treats and fed our Bettas - Tucker and King Sushi II. I was running late, but I got to Cassi's 30 day review. Though I was 5 minutes late they weren't ready so I guess I was still technically early! LOL! But it went well, though some teachers weren't able to make it. There were a lot of teachers being gone for training purposes this week. All in all, Cassi has been doing much better, except in Math. She doesn't do well with math online. She needs book and paper and some extra help. Her attendance has been great! But her moods are still shifting a lot. Either the prozac isn't really working that well or it needs to be upped. If nothing else the doctor will try her on Lamictal, which I am all for. It is an awesome mood stabilizer! Well, for those who can take it. Some people are allergic. But I since it works for me, it might work on Cassi! But I am just glad she is definitely moving in a positive way forward. I have great hope for her.

And my positive note for myself today is that I am Grateful for the Country I live in! Go USA! LOL! :-) I just feel good, though I'm tired and now my cramps are acting up! Ugh! Time for Ibuprofen, so I guess I should wrap this us! I just hope tomorrow is just as good as today. Oh and my mom bought me a turkey!! Now Susan, Jason, the kids and I can have our 2nd Thanksgiving! Yay! Well, I think I'm getting over the nasty surprise. And who knows, maybe Diana will be nice to me now that I don't live with mom. Anything is possible!

To Trust or Not to Trust

Okay, so it's taken me awhile to write another blog entry. I've had some up and down times and I wasn't sure I wanted to post about it or not. Plus, I kept forgetting to write in the mornings because I'm not used to it, but also when I forgot I ended up too tired at night as I've mentioned before. I need to get back to this being about my life. I haven't wanted to post anything about the not so great times lately because I don't want to hurt my friends' feelings should they come across this, but the thing is, this is how I get my emotions out. At least I don't give out full names like other people I have known, but I need to do what's good for my emotional well being.

Not that things have been terrible, but there have been some pretty difficult days. I love Jason, but when he's angry he doesn't care about what he says or who he hurts. Because he's angry he seems to believe he can say whatever he wants. No one else matters, until he realizes that he screwed up. Then he apologizes. The thing is, even if you apologize, which for the most part I accept usually without issue, he's done it enough times that I have felt emotionally drained. I pick up on his moods to try to avoid him when he's in those moods. But it doesn't always work. Then I start having responses that I used to have at my mother's when she was constantly verbally abusing me and having my siblings doing the same thing. I keep to myself. I won't go around him as much as I used to. I get a REALLY strong startle reflex like any big sudden noise I will flinch and a lot of times I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. I mean, I think about what I say before I say it most of the time, because I don't WANT to hurt anyone, but he doesn't and he always apologizes after and then expects to be forgiven as soon as he apologizes. That doesn't happen with me. Sometimes it takes a couple of days. But over this last incident, he really verbally abused me. He started yelling at me because I raised my voice so he could hear me from my room. He literally went off on me. I won't go into the whole details of what he said, but he put me down as a mother and a person, hitting  me in my weak points. Not like everyone doesn't have some, right? But he was brutal about it. I had to take him up with Cassi and her friend Alyssa to Susan's work. I barely spoke to him though he apologized. He's made me cry and that's hard to do and I don't get over stuff like that easily. That seriously eroded my trust in him and he doesn't know that. But you can't just abuse people and expect things to go back to normal. I have forgiven him for the most part, but things won't be the way they were. There is a part of me that will always see him as a threat. Because if he can do that to me once, he can do it to me again. And I will say this isn't the first time. But it had best be the last or I don't know if I can forgive him again. He just acted way too much like my emotionally abusive family.  I guess I might still have some lingering PTSD. It triggered me big time. So many people just don't understand that words can hurt so deeply. Sometimes worse than physical pain, Physical pain can eventually heal - most times. But the emotional and mental abuse will never completely go away.

Then I have been keeping an eye on Cassi. Jason went after her about a week ago too. It had causes a different argument between all of us - Cassi and I against Jason and Susan. I was pissed. Nothing I could really do. I took her out of the house and I was going to take her to a friend's place to stay the night, but she changed her mind and we went back to the apartment. She eventually apologized to them and talked to both of them. But then he started shit again after that week! This last week I have just been so tired of his crap! I mean, Cassi and I aren't perfect, but it always comes down to something hurt him, he's angry about something, he feels slighted . . . But no one else is really allowed to feel that way and if we do he argues it! And God forbid we should act out like he does! Okay, I guess I still have some anger issues to resolve. 

The good thing was that Cassi did get to go up to Knott's Berry Farm for her sweet 16 this last weekend. Jason and Susan were nice enough to take her and Alyssa there. She seemed happy and then yesterday was her actually birthday. She's a Veterans Day baby. She hung out with her friend AJ most of the day. She ha actually wanted to take him and go down to OB. But I didn't have $5 to give them so that AJ could go with her and Jason and Susan don't feel like they should pay for AJ, which I totally understand, but it was Cassi's birthday. But it seemed she had a good day. Jason made Shake N Bake BBQ Chicken with mashed potatoes and broccoli. Then I had bakes her a cake and Susan had picked out some ice cream from the store. But by the time we had the cake and ice cream she was seriously depressed which worried me. Jason and Susan both noticed and were as concerned as I was. I talked to Cass a bit, but she didn't know why she was feeling that way. She went to bed shortly after that. I had forgotten to give her the card I had bought for her, so I got it ready and went out to her to see if she was awake. She was so he read the card and I think it made a little difference. I usually get funny cards, but this was one of the sweet cards and I just told her how much she meant to me. She loved the card and that made me happy. I am going to ask her how she's doing when she gets back this afternoon t gauge how she's feeling today. I am hoping she feels better. I did take a couple of photos, not as many was I would have liked, but when I saw how depressed she was, I just couldn't take that many.

Also, here's something. Within three days, I fell down twice! The first time was in the hall. I think I tripped over my pajama bottoms. They're a size to big for me. But I tried to recover only to la my shouldn't into the wall of my room. I was more shaken up than anything else. I was a bit sore the next day, but I recovered. Then a day after that, I was cleaning out Karissa's litter box, went to get up and one of my legs buckled under me. I slammed my ring finger toe into something and boy did it quickly swell and turn an icky shade of purple. At least my toe nail was fine! It hurt so much that day though. I could barely put pressure on it. I was worried that it was broken, but I realized that the most the doctor could do was tape it to another toe and I thought, what's the point? The next day it was tender, but I would walk on it okay and today, it's back to normal, though not to color! :-) Soon though, I hope!

As for my mood, it's been a bit down myself after this past week of crap. I am doing what I can to stay positive and I believe I am moving forward. I have a parent advocate from Cassi's school that's going to try to see  me once a week to help me manage my emotions and to get more organized. Plus help me find a place to eventually move to. I mean, I make the calls, but she finds me the resources to try. I just wish I could get Section 8 like now, but I could still be waiting for a few years before I get it. Ugh! I do want to move out in the new year. That's one of my goals, but places I've called recently have no open waiting lists or they are no longer low income housing. It sucks and I can only move to certain areas because I can't move away from my resources like Therapy and my Psychiatrist. People tell me to get a new one, but I have been with these people for YEARS!!! At least a decade! I can't just go somewhere else. These people know me. I know them. They listen to me. I have a say in my treatment. I have had some bad Pdocs and Therapists too. I don't want to try to find new people that might end up not as good! I can't afford that with my bipolar II and my anxiety and panic attack disorders. So I am looking at Santee, El Cajon, Spring Valley and La Mesa. That's it. I can get to El Cajon from any of those places without using up a ton of fuel.

As far as today goes I'm a little on the downside. Not too terrible, but enough here I don't feel great. However, I did read my positive statement for the day. Today was that I was grateful for coffee! :-) I am grateful for it! In fact, I drank a bunch of coffee today! Pumpkin Pie Spiced creamer in it! Delish! I was also able to get this done and I think I am going to feel better once I finish and post it. I am extraordinarily tired. I was yesterday morning too. Marissa, the Parent Advocate, was supposed to come over, but she couldn't get into her office so we had to reschedule for Friday. I look forward to her visits. We both get a lot out of them, I think. She had gone through a lot and where she is with her kids is where I am been - kinda. But I think in a lot of ways we support each other. When she comes over we talk for an hour! It is just a bright spot in my day because she really helps me. I have a formula for phone calls now so I can keep track of her I have spoken with and about what and when. It's awesome! She helped me with the idea for the positive statements every day. I want to make more, but sometimes it's not easy to come up with things you like about yourself. I came up with about 20 though and at least 20 things I was grateful for. I think it's important to know what you are blessed with, so you don't forget to be grateful and not just the usual kids, family, friends . . . I'm grateful for good days! I'm grateful to learn. I am grateful for coffee! I am grateful for being able to see the positive even in bad situations. I am grateful for my internal strength. I don't always succeed with the positive statements, but I try and that was Marissa's idea. I had thought about it before, but she inspired me to do it! In fact, I might re-due the cards. Not sure I liked how I did them.

Anyway, I haven't lost my positivity even when I am feeling a little down. I remember that things change. It's the nature of life. Nothing will stay good forever, but it won't stay bad forever either. 

Okay, I think I am done for today. If you made it this far in your reading, thank you for your interest and patience! :-) I hope everyone has a good day and if not, remember things change all the time!