So much for a Christmas without Depression

Here it is. It sucks but here it is. It was going so well too . . . Got a real tree. Decorated it. Put lights up. Put lights in our window. I even wrote a Christmas newsletter to send out to friends in Christmas cards. Was able to track down an address for my birthfather . . . I thought I had everything under control and everything was going to be fine. Even Greg and I are friends - and that's it. I can't do the relationship thing. I can't. I don't want to. It's not my thing and I don't want it to be ever again.

But then, this weekend, I finally got sleep I needed, but it also turned out that night I was sick. I was throwing up and had the diahreah thing . . . Cassie was at her friend Katie's - who lives just a complex up from Jason and Susan. I was thinking everything was fine . . . Until the next day. I actually ended up being tired, but all right. However, when Jason and Susan got home, I found out that no only did Cassie and Katie go into Jason and Susan's to see the kitties, but they spent the night. They ate there, dragged cat crap through the house (without realizing it it of course), but money was missing - which Cassie didn't take. I mean, I would be totally pissed too. But when they called me and I know they were venting. I do understand. In their place I might be the same way. But I didn't know anything either and I felt as if I were being reprimanded then I wasn't even there. I was home sick in bed, throwing up! I didn't know anything until after the fact too.

Anyway, I gave Cassie a talk. She won't talk to Jason and Susan. She doesn't want to go over there ever again. She never wants to see Katie again and she's put herself on 2 month grounding - how many kids do that? Jason said that they don't blame her anymore. Or maybe more accurately - they don't blame just her like they were last night. I know it comes down to the fact that Cassie got in and let Katie in, but after she was inside and then not listening to Cassie . . . Anyway, Cassie already got the talk to by me that it came back to her for letting Katie in to begin with . . . for letting them both in when Jason and Susan were out of town!

But then jason today tries handing me crap that he and susan could have gone to jail . . . WHAT?? They could not have gone to jail considering they weren't home and Cassie basically could have been charged with breaking and entering! Which means I probably would have ended up in jail, not them! Anyway, it's done. I can't fix it. I've already lectured her. She doesn't want to go over for Christmas Eve, which puts me in a difficult position because if she doesn't go, that means I either leave her here as prey for my other family, or I stay home too. Either way, Christmas feels completely ruined and I feel like I am in the middle of everyone I love and I don't think I can handle too much more of that. I count on my real family and kids to make this holidays great - and it usually ends up that way. And I had so high hopes for this holiday . . . and to see them dashed really sucks. Makes me just want Christmas over. It's hard to appreciate it when you feel like your world is coming down around you.

I don't blame them for being angry. I would have been furious too. But being Cassie's mom, I feel totally in the middle. I have already lectured her. She's already grounded . . . And they still want her to come over for Christmas eve and she doesn't want to go. She actually told me to tell them to take her presents back. She didn't want them now. I think she's afraid of getting lectured and/or yelled at now. So I just don't know what to do. And I have been holding the tears back since last night and I don't think I can anymore. I feel like I am in the middle of everyone I love and there is no way out. Everything is just falling apart around me . . . and all I can do it cry.

So here I sit, completely depressed when this season was actually going so well for awhile . . . Everything ruined. Even my mother can't help but do her bitch, bitch, bitch routine just a little more than usual. Well, when shit hits the fan, it hits the fan, right? I am trying so hard not to cry and I just can't stop it. I really do detest crying. I hate how I feel. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate all of this right now . . . Like Cassie, I'm sure, I wish that I could just disappear. What worries me is that if one more thing happens, I might not have to be worried about me hurting myself, but maybe Cassie trying to hurt herself. She hasn't done anything to make me think that, but it's like a vibration I feel. I don't think she could handle another thing and I think I'm right about her being bipolar too. I'd like to think I'm wrong, but everything is an over the top drama . . . Worse than any teenage years I remember . . . I don't know.

I just wish things would have stayed nice and happy and that for once I would have had a really good holiday season where I didn't have a lot of stress . . . no depression . . . that I was mostly happy . . . and now that's all gone . . .

Depression sucks and Depression at Christmas is even worse.

O Christmas Tree

This week has really been one heck of a week. I have had so many mood swings . . . it's really driving me nuts. I have received a total of 2 Christmas cards. I haven't sent any out. Plus some require a letter and to be honest, I don't have a whole lot of positive things to share about this year. In fact, I'm looking forward to the new year with the hope that it will be much better! So I have been stuck on what to write.

Then my mother tries to tell me that I can't set up my little tree in the bedroom and that she doesn't want me to hang lights in their either . . . HUH?! She's afraid I'm going to set the house on fire with little, itty, bitty led lights because they're against the wall . . . Uh, they don't get that hot!! But then she was telling me I could set it up in the family room . . . yeah, like I want to spend time out there? The kids and I do NOT open presents out there! Why? Because we get to listen to how I shouldn't get them games and toys . . . I should only get them clothes . . . Yeah. She would LOVE to ruin my kids' lives.

Anyway, Cassie and I hung up lights anyway. In fact, we have some beautiful stars shining in our window in different colors. Then we have a regular strained of lights up around some of the room. We have the stockings up . . . and what my mother doesn't know is that not only will I be putting a tree up in our room . . . it's going to be a REAL tree for a change. We're just going to hide it around the side of the house until everyone goes to sleep, then we'll smuggle it in and set it up. Isn't it stupid to have to do that? It's not like I don't pay something for rent every month. But the woman is a control freak. It's one of the reasons I have such crappy self-esteem. But over time I have learned to be assertive except where it comes to a working environment. I get so panicked in those situations . . .

I have managed to get everything for Christmas - unless I get stuff for Jason and Susan. It's so sweet. Jason and Susan are getting me an MP3 player for christmas!! Yay! They are getting Cassie a digital camera that she wanted and getting Jordan one of the computer games he wanted and a CD that he wanted. But Jason was so sweet and found my Elmo and Patsy Christmas CD! I will finally have my other favorite Christmas album. My first is Merry Christmas from the Beach Boys.

But as another foul note, there was another incident with that bitch counselor at Cassie's grade school - Sherry Muldanado. I have finally had enough. I made many called today and either she gets transferred or fired or I want my daughter transferred to another school. And if it's not done, I am seriously thinking about getting a lawyer and sueing the school district for not doing anything about this woman and for all the crap she has put me and my daughter through. How the principal won't do anything about her . . . They know how I feel. I have made myself perfectly clear that I do not want my daughter sent to this woman under any circumstances. It's not like I haven't said something before and I was told that wouldn't happen . . . well, guess what happened yesterday??? So I am done sitting back and just letting things go. I know it's Christmas, but this woman has no business being a counselor. She's MEAN to kids (not just my daughter. I've witnessed her with other kids) and this is Elementary School! It's not Middle School. It's not High School . . . These are young kids!! So I am done playing games. I want her fired. It's as simple as that. At the very least, I'm lodging a formal complaint. One woman had the nerve to tell me that it would make it harder for the counselor to get another job . . . With what she's put me and my daughter though, I would care WHY??? She needs to find another job too. Something NOT involving kids. So we'll see what happens there.

But it brighter news, Jason and Susan are getting their tree tonight so the kids and I are going over to help decorate like we do every year! It's something the kids and I look forward to. And it will smell so good!! Nothing is like having a real tree . . . It's been hard having fakes ones for so long. I can't wait to have the real one in the bedroom. The room is going to smell like Christmas finally!! So at least in the Christmas tree news things are good! LOL! Now if everything else will fall into place.

'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Have to schedule another therapy session

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Have to up my anti-depressant

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Forget trying to wrap the Christmas presents

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Okay, I made that one up a couple of years ago. But the sentiment is kind of true. As much as I absolutely LOVE Christmas, I get very depressed this time of year. Unfortunately, I can't take anti-depressants to help because of my bipolar. Even with a mood stabilizer, I don't respond well to anti-depressants. They completely and totally wig me out. But it's hard to cope with the depression. It's like, I love Christmas movies, but they make me cry and I get depressed. I think maybe because my family has never had one of those "perfect" Christmases. Of course, you have to have a loving family first.

Don't get me wrong. My kids and I make one hell of a stellar family as far as I'm concerned. And with my other friends, we're a great family. We all love each other. But my friends have their own families and mine . . . I am the outsider looking in. I always was. We've never been close, but I don't think they're close with each other either. I used to think that maybe it was because they had grown up together - my mother being a single mother to my much-older siblings. You know, it gave them a special bond and for whatever reason I didn't measure up to that. It didn't help that even though they're all 20+ years old than me that they were jealous of me. My dad spoiled me. Their dad didn't. Not my fault. Then I heard rumors where I was my father's kid from one of his affairs. So I thought this was it. That they didn't love me because of that. Particularly my mother who I could never please (I still can't please her, but she isn't pleased by anyone except maybe her own children). So I thought that was my answer. But then when I was 28 I found out I was really adopted. 8 months after finding my birthmother, I found my birthfather. Turns out I was from an affair, but not my dad's affair.

But basically, we have never been this loving family where everyone cares and wants to make everyone else happy at Christmas. You know, I actually had to tell my mother a couple of years ago to stop giving me perfume and make-up. I never wore either. You'd think she'd notice since I live with her . . . I finally told her that if she really wanted to get me something I'd like to ask me what I wanted . . . I'd tell her a million different DVDs or books . . . music . . . So for the last couple of years I have picked out my own gift. But she's not really cared about what I might actually want since I was a teenager. Before that, it's pretty easy to pick out for kids. But even with my 17 year old son, I tell him to tell me what he wants or I tell them to write a list I can pick from. I mean, geez . . . I WANT them to have a good Christmas.

The funny thing is, this is the first Christmas in a long time that I am not completely stressing over yet. Usually my stress starts at the End of September and doesn't end until January. But I'm calm . . . just seriously depressed. Even now I just feel like crying and today I'm supposed to go out and do shopping. I have to do a lot of shopping - food, meds, Christmas . . . So much in so little time. And I do kind of look forward to it, but kind of dread it too. My money will be going very, very quickly. I just wish that I could have a Christmas where I was stressing out. Where I wasn't depressed. Where I just felt loved and happy . . . that my kids and I belonged somewhere. I keep telling myself that my kids and I have each other and that should be enough . . . but it's hard. I guess I always just wanted a real family . . . Something completely unattainable, of course. I wasn't raised in a real family. The closest thing I have to a real family are my friends, but they have families . . . Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if my dad were still alive. In fact, as much as I dreaded Christmas with the family, I always had my dad and he loved me. Sometimes I wondered, but he did. He loved me more than anyone else. He'd been the one that wanted to adopt me. My mother just adopted me because he wanted a baby. They got me at 2 days old.

I just feel alone. And having a boyfriend or husband doesn't help. I've pretty much always been alone. It's hard and I guess I feel it now more than any other time of the year.

But I will do the Christmas shopping, decorate our tree, maybe even bake some cookies . . . sing some carols, watch more Christmas movies, wrap gifts, fill stockings and in the end, I'll feel fine. I really do love Christmas. I love the lights, the smells . . . the cooler weather . . . I just feel so alone.

Getting to Know You - Again! LOL!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yeah, after myself!
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Today, really. I hate crying.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not particularly
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Honey-baked Ham!!! Yes!
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yep! Jordan and Cassandra
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I'd like to think so! We'd both be pretty quirky!
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? LOL! Nope NEVER! :-P
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope! They are long gone!
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Uh, no . . .
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Depends on the day! Lately I have been into Rice Crispies.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I don't remember the last time I owned tie shoes . . . but even then I think the answer would have been no, if I could get away with that.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I don't think so, but people keep telling me I am emotionally strong.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Phish Food and Moose Tracks
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Body Language. Smile. Eyes.
15. RED OR PINK? Pink
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My body, I guess.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I think I miss my dad the most. And my niece coley. I would have liked another chance to try to help her.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Sure! But I don't hold my breath!
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Gray and fuzzy!
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A piece of celery
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Some game my son is playing.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Pumkin pie spice, baked goods, strawberries, vanilla, honeysuckle, gardenia, jasmine, pineapple, steak
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Jason
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Of course! She's my sister!
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? I really don't watch sports except on rare occasions or when someone else is watching them. Even then I'm usually doing something else. LOL!
27. HAIR COLOR? Dark brown with gray highlights.
28. EYE COLOR? Olive Green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope, but I might one day!
30. FAVORITE FOOD? Steak, Mexican Food
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Bourne Ultimatum
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Pink Nightgown
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both from my kids
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? It varies with my mood. Chocolate and Berries is a good combo. So is Chocolate and Peanut butter . . . Eclairs? LOL! So many choices!
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND I won't even hazzard a guess now . . .
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Nicole since she sent it to me!
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Just finished "Gateway to Atlantis"
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Nothing. My mouse pad is invisible.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? The First 48
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Outside of music? Hmmm . . . cat purring, rain . . .
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME??? England! And it still wasn't far enough! LOL!
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I don't know how special it is, but I write. That's my passion and I'm told I'm good at it!
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? La Mesa, CA
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING? Whoever actually replies!
48. WHO MADE THIS UP ANYWAY?!?!?!?!? Someone with a lot of time on their hands! LOL!

Holiday Cheer?

Well, I was kind of hoping that December was going to be a bit of a turn-around month. I think for me I might be okay - I hope. But now it seems that Jason and Susan are in a tight jam which upsets me for them. They are the best people in the world. They do so much for the kids and I . . . and now Jason lost his job. It was a stupid mistake that he made, but it was enough to get him fired. Just weeks before Christmas . . . Nice . . . I am hoping he can get another PBX operator position quickly. He's good at what he does and he was told they would give him a good reference. But as much as they've helped me, all I can think is, "This is how the universe repays them for all the good they do?" I don't know . . . Now it seems they're going to struggle with Christmas. Maybe I can help them a little . . . to make all of our Christmases better. Greg is apparently going to give me my $100 back and IF I get my usual $50 from Child Support that will be $150 more that I didn't have before. Maybe I can help with a tree if they can't get one. Or at least help with something . . . maybe our Christmas Eve. We'll work soemthing out. I know we will. And the kids will be understanding after all they've done for us. I just know how hard it's going to be for them. They have worked so hard to get where they were . . . But as Patty B. pointed out, maybe the universe has something better instore for them. I really, really hope so! They deserve all good things . . . I just wish I were in a better position. Maybe I will be. WIth their help - because they got me Writers Market 2009 - maybe I will be. Maybe the universe will grant me one wish and that I'll get my book published . . . I have to. It won't solve all problems, but it'll be a start for me and it will get me a little money and that maybe I can help them and help myself too. I just wish I could do so much more . . .

Anyway, I was planning what I was going to do for Christmas and when I got Greg's email about sending a $100 check to me . . . I thought . . . well, if I get it before Christmas it's all the more money I can use to get gifts and stuff. Of course, that depends if I get it before Christmas. I hope so . . . because now I really need it . . . to help Jason and Susan.

I guess I just have to pray for a miracle . . . and I am not much on praying to God. It's hard for me to believe to be honest. Not sure what I believe, but I think we all need a miracle for this season and this season is supposed to be the season of miracles, right?

Well, I have to pull myself together . . . Make plans . . . do what I can . . . This WILL be a good Christmas somehow! Jason will get a new job . . . I'll start sending out my book . . . Susan will get that promotion . . . It will be okay . . . It has to be.

Sometimes when you hear rain you get hail

I am just drained so this is really going to be a very, very short entry. I wanted to talk about yesterday's Thanksgiving with Jason and Susan . . . and I had other things happen today - issues with my Ex boyfriend, a teacher at jordan's school, and everyone at Cassie's school. It didn't help that I didn't even get 4 hours of sleep. So I need to run off to bed as soon as I can. But I am just having a bad night - emotionally. My "Aunt Flo" is trying to figure out if she's staying for going which always adds to that. But being tired, faced with a lot of challenges and some of them total bullshit ones . . . I guess I just need sleep. Maybe tomorrow will seem brighter if I could just get more sleep. We'll, see . . .