Feeling About the Same

Well, I'm still sick, but not completely sick. I'm about as good as I was last night. I'm just tired and get sore a lot easier. My poor mom is REALLY sick. I had to take her to the doctor. Since she figured she was going to be awhile she gave me a little money. So I went to McDonald's at Walmart. I got a good place to park. It wasn't even a handicapped spot. All I got was a McDouble and an Extra Large Diet Dr. Pepper. Plus, as I waited I decided to try to whittle down my synopsis. I got through almost the whole thing when my mom called. I'm just relieved that as soon as I opened up the spiral my mind was going. I was really worried that being sick was going to throw me way off. But it hasn't!! :-) I am back on track!

Anyway, I got to see Cassie for a few minutes today. They kicked her out of Prime Time because she wasn't actually registered! LOL! That's my girl! But I filled out the paperwork for her to go. She just needs to go for the homework assistance. I'm hoping that the Vice Principal calls me tomorrow and works with me on this. She doesn't need to be there for the whole Prime Time thing so I'm hoping they won't give me trouble. She wants to stay after school because of a boy! :-) It's so cute. Her friend finally introduced them. Cassie's on cloud nine! It was good to see her even if it was only for a few minutes. I've missed her this week, but I'm certainly glad to keep her away from the sickness.

My mom is really, really sick though and that bothers me. The doctor had called in a prescription for her and I went to go get it. She gave me her credit card and told me to get her some sherbet. Actually, she wanted ice cream. The worst thing you can have with a nasty, congestive cold. I talked her into sherbet instead. I also asked if I could get some bread. But what ticked me off was my mom called the pharmacy. They made it sound like the medicine was ready for pick up. It WASN'T!! I was so aggravated. My back was hurting. There was no place to sit, not that their chairs are fitting for someone my size. Eventually I did try sitting down, but I was starting to really feel crappy again. As soon as they had it ready, I was GONE! I came home, gave my mom her meds, served sherbet for both of us and then HAD to sit down. My back is killing me.

After my mom went to bed, I helped Jim - the contractor putting the new roof on who is staying with us for now. He was having a hard time with his gmail. I got a little bit of it sorted out for him, but his laptop is a pain in the ass. I told him if he needed more help that I would help him. :-) He seems nice enough.

Going back to my room, I finished posting stuff on my Cafemom groups, especially "The Writer's Workshop" and "I'm not fat! I'm fluffy!" and I finished my second draft of my synopsis for "Assassin's Seduction." I also typed it up and tried getting it into the right format. But I don't know how good it is. I don't know if it shows my passion or not. Plus I'm not sure I used the right tense all the way through. Think I'll see if someone can look it over for me tomorrow. I'd like to say I have it done because I don't think I can pull anything else out of this synopsis. I just can't do it. Ugh!! I wish I could have gotten it down to one page, but I don't know. Maybe I'll try to find a few online to look over. We'll see.

Anyway, I have been half-watching "Chopped." I actually saw the finale to "Chopped Champions!" and this one girl I thought had been eliminated, turned out I had her confused with another girl. LOL! Anyway, it was nice to see the end of it since I had watched the other episodes. Now "Sweet Genius" is on and I have never seen it before so it should be interesting.

I don't know if I'll sleep anytime soon, but I am tired. I think I might take one more turn about my Cafemom groups, but then take my meds and try to go to sleep. I won't see  Cassie until Monday afternoon . . . But at least I should be completely well by then!

Guess that's it!

Better But Not 100% Yet

I can't believe it! I'm starting to feel better! Yesterday I felt so horrible I was sure today was going to be just as bad or worse. But instead, I started feeling better in the early afternoon. In fact, I haven't really napped that much today. I have felt more energetic, but not a lot. Not like I ever am, but it's better than yesterday, but not as good as my normal either. I'm just happy that I'm feeling better. When I feel so bad it just seems like it's going to go on forever. Now maybe tomorrow I can work on my synopsis again and get back on track. I want to be back on track. It's important for me to get my ducks in a row and to set aside time to write or work on my writing endevors. I still want to have a finished synopsis of "Assassin's Seduction" by the 4th of October at the latest.

I can't believe how fast time is going by. In a handful of days we'll be in October! Soon it'll be Halloween, the kids birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas! It's all going to come fast and furious very soon.

I guess what I worry the most about when it comes to being on my schedule is just sitting back again and letting things go. I can't say I have my complete inspiration for writing back, but right now I'm still sick. I just want to be able to go forward. Writing is my field. It's what I was always meant to do. I just worry about being unproductive again. I don't want to be in that place. I want to keep going and moving forward and not going backward. I have been afraid that I'll go back to being stagnant and I just don't want that to happen again. I think I'm just going to try to do something pertaining to my writing everyday - that I'm not sick!! I do hope tomorrow I feel even better. That would make me feel really better!

Anyway, I basically have chilled out watching "River Monsters" today and "Hillbilly Hand Fishing." In about twenty minutes I'm going to be watching "Ghost Hunters" and after that hopefully I'll go back to sleep. I still need some rest. At least I'm getting better and not getting worse. Now I'm going to take my meds and chill out watching TV.

Oh and thank god Cassie could be somewhere else while I'm sick. It's so much better for her and keep her healthier!

Still Sick . . . :-(

Well, I have a feeling this is going to be a very short entry. I am sick. I've been sick. I slept through most of yesterday. I woke up long enough to see MOST of the premiere of "Terra Nova" which is actually kinda interesting. Then I watched "Hawaii 5-0" and went back to sleep. Today I have been dozing on and off. There was a lot of racket going on though because my mom is getting new roof. I hate feeling like this. Ugh! Being sick definitely sucks! Anyway, I spent the day resting. I did talk to Patty F. which was nice since I haven't talked with her in forever. She's apparently in a manic episode or hypomania anyway. She's getting stuff done. She wants me to read over something she writes in a month or two. That ought to be interesting since I haven't proof read for anyone really.

I'm kinda hungry. I ate dinner. My mom fixed Shepherds Pie. It's awesome. I tried to eat a salad, but it was hard for me. I got through most of it. Then I just came back to my room and put on the TV and just chilled out. I watched an old episode of "Dirty Jobs." I hope there are new episodes of it soon. Then I put on "19 kids and counting" and even watched "The Little Couple." Watching TV is about the only thing I am up for. I really hate this. I don't remember the last time I felt this bad. I hope to god this doesn't last much longer. I just want to get back to my writing and until I can get this cold to go away I don't think I will be doing much of it at all.

Anyway, that's about it. I'm going to maybe get something else to eat, take my medication, and try to go back to sleep. As it is, Cassie's been over at Jason and Susan's because I've been so sick. I really hate this. I want this to be OVER! Ugh!!!

I'm Sick!!

I had so hoped I wasn't going to get sick. I really hoped I had missed getting what my mom and my daughter got, but did I? Nope . . . I had a headache last night and I just thought it had to do with all the typing and reading I'd been doing this last week or so with the editing, formatting, query letter and now synopsis. But then today, I wake up with a scratchy throat. It got worse and worse. By the time it was 3:00pm I was ready to ask my mom for money to get some nyquil equivalent. She did and also had me get milk. Also, I got a soda with the last of my change. Then I was hungry because all I'd had was coffee which had been about 11:00am. That was the earliest I've woken up lately. I think that's because of being sick.

Anyway, my mom was nice enough to heat up some rice we had in the fridge and then made cheese burgers. It was definitely good. I'd also taken my nyquil. It's made me a little tired, but then I perked up a bit. I did a lot of resting though. Watched most of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," an episode of "Criminal Minds" and then a few episodes of "River Monsters." But I finally typed up my second draft of my synopsis. It's 6 pages long! I have to trim it down to a page. I'm going to just have to write the best I can. See what's the MOST important and chuck everything else. I want to have it done already. Oh and I spent a little time looking at Literary Agents for when I'm ready to send out my queries and I had a panic attack. When I went to look up how to write a proposal for a literary agent I had another massive panic attack. I'm leaving that alone for now, but I do plan to send out the queries around October 4th. I want the synopsis done before then. That's the goal anyway.

Well, I can't take any more medication until 10:00pm. I am also starting to get tired again and starting to cough. It sucks. But I'm going to watch "Tanked" in about 15 minutes and then I'm going to watch "IRT Deadliest Roads" and then hopefully I'll go to sleep. I definitely need the rest.

A Short Little Entry

I think this might be a short entry. Nothing much happened today.

My mom woke me up at about 12:30pm to eat. She made dinner for lunch (Or my breakfast). Jordan wouldn't wake up so that irritated the shit out of my mom. It was good though - chicken, rice, veggies and roasted or fried potatoes. It was yummy!

After that, I got the computer from Jordan and I have been playing online and working on my second draft of the Synopsis. However, I think there will probably be a third draft or final draft. Finale draft, I hope! I also have posted on Yahoo (so it goes to Facebook & Twitter) about how my head is hurting. I really think I might be pushing myself too hard, but I don't want to stop. I'm taking a break for the rest of the night though. I'll get back to the last half of the second draft tomorrow.

Anyway, I also got on Blogger with my Krystina Grant account. I figured it was about time I started on my writer's journey once again and wrote the first post I'd written in a very long time. I'm going to try to write a little something every morning or afternoon. The nighttime is for this one since it's basically my journal.

I'm a little hungry again since it's about 7:18pm, but I'm not so hungry that I'm going out into the other room to eat. I think I'm going to take my meds and lay down for awhile. I'm just happy that I am moving forward. I hate being tired . . . and I have a craving for chocolate milk. That sucks. Actually what I want to do is sleep. I am just so tired as always.

Well, I think I'm going to take my meds and chill out with the light off to "IRT Deadliest Roads." It's last season in Nepal and India. The new one starts tomorrow night at 10:00pm. I want to watch it. The big thing will be if I remember or not. Anyway, I'm outta here.

Headache be gone!



First Draft of the Synopsis DONE!

I did it!! I finished the first draft of my synopsis! It was difficult. I had to stop a lot of times, but I did it! I think some of it is actually kinda good, but I think a lot of it needs to be worked on, so tomorrow I'm going to work on the next draft. Maybe try typing it this time and see what comes out. At least I went through the book and took the best parts of it, I think.

Anyway, I got up this morning and I didn't want to get up. It does seem like I spend most of the day exhausted. It sucks. Cassie was awake again and almost ready for school. I got my coffee and she drank about a third of it. LOL! Then I took her to school. When I got home though, I went back to sleep after making her bed. Apparently I did a crap job of it because my mother complained. I was very tired. She wants me to remake it, but I don't think I will.

When I was sleeping I had some of the weirdest dreams. I had a dream that my mom was sleeping in the bed with me and that Karissa wanted out so I pushed open the window screen down making it fall. Then I woke up in the dream! I can't remember a lot of whatelse happened, but I remember yelling at some girl. Then some woman confronts me about people not wanting to deal with me or something and I said something about the store working like a regular store. Then I was at a store that seemed to have stuff - I think books, video games and what not. Then I was at this funky machine trying to get it to work when my mom actually woke me up. It was weird because it took me a moment to realize that I hadn't been awake. That I'd just got woken up! Weird, huh?

Anyway, my mom wanted to go to the 99 cent store so I took her. I went in long enough to get water. Then out in the car I worked on the synopsis. Almost as soon as we got home, I had to leave again to go get Cassie from school. I worked on the synopsis again as I waited. Then as soon as I got home with her Susan was there to pick her up. :-) Susan, Jason and Cassie all got their hair cut. Cassie got all kinds of layers. It looks great! Now she wants it colored! Fuscha and green streaks. :-) 

My mom gave me money to get burgers tonight for dinner. She was in a crappy mood today though. But I guess she's just getting disgusted with Jordan and I. Whatelse is new, right? My room is a disaster. Jordan is a mess and sleeps all the time too . . . he gives her attitude. I went to McDonald's and got the burgers. I got myself a drink too. I paid for that though. When I came back, Jordan still didn't want to wake up so my mom and I just ate. Then I went back to my room and kept working on the synopsis, stopping here and there for breaks. I went online to Cafemom and Yahoo. But really just briefly here and there.

Anyway, now I am thoroughly exhausted. I've been watching "Criminal Minds" on and off as I worked as well. Now I'm going to finish watching this one, then I'm watching "Haven" and hopefully going to sleep, but I never seem to be able to. But we'll keep trying.

I Started My Synopsis and Made a Doctor's Appointment

I am exhausted. Again. I really hate this, but it is what it is. As long as Cassie is in school I'll be getting up early. I was so tired this morning though, that as soon as I had Cassie at school, I finished drinking my coffee and I still couldn't keep my eyes open. I ended up sleeping for another couple of hours. I got up in time to take my mother to the post office and bank - and Albertson's and for me, McDonald's for a drink. When we got home, I finally started my synopsis and I tell you, this is going to be a very long process I think. I'm going to try to get it done by October 1st, but I don't know if I can. I'm giving it my best effort though, because I'm going to start sending out query letters on the 3rd or 4th. I also made an appointment to see my doctor - Dr. Jason isn't there anymore. But I'll see one of the doctors. I'm going to try to get a referral to see someone for a gastric bypass. I think I'm finally ready to go forward with it. Like with my writing. I need to move forward.

Anyway, I waited to pick up Cass from school only to get a text from her saying that she was staying after school for an hour. So I went to McDonald's - since I had enough money - and got another soda and a McChicken sandwich. I hadn't eaten anything. Then I just parked, called my mom to let her know and then worked on my synopsis. I'm not past the 4th chapter, but at least I'm making progress to get the main points in first. Then I'll whittle it down.

While I was waiting Jason was also texting me. He wanted to come over and spend some time with me. I wasn't really feeling up for company, but he talked me into it. So when they came to get Cassie, he stayed with me. We hung out for awhile - he helped me make my mother's bed because it's a two-person job - and then I took him home. I wan invited over for dinner which worked out great. Susan made spaghetti and  it was delicious. Then we had Cassie take a shower, but before that Jason dared Cassie to eat a spoonful of peanut butter with kechup. She did it for $5! ICK!! You couldn't pay me enough! LOL! But she did it so she'll get $5 on Tuesday!

After she took her shower, she got clothes together, we said good-bye and then left. It was great to go over and have no tention. I wasn't worried about Jason flipping out. In fact, he was tired, but there was no attitude! And I think that's because all this stress has been taken out of the equation. I like the schedule, Jason likes the schedule, Cassie can't dislike it too much because she had been doing so good! She has been happy in the mornings and happy at night. She jokes around and she confided in me tonight that she hasn't cut in like a month - me too! And her friend Nikki hasn't cut in two weeks which is a big deal. I think we're all just doing so good!

Anyway, I am exhausted. I thought maybe I would have trouble getting tired tonight because of the extra sleep this morning, but nope, I am still just as exhausted as ever. We'll see if sleep though. That's the big question. I was so tired last night and the night before and I still didn't fall asleep until late. I think Tuesday night was something like 4am-5am and then last night it was at least 1am or 2am. I just want to be able to sleep when I'm tired like this. I hope I do. I'll try to think positively.

Well, tomorrow it's going to be more on the synopsis and who knows whatelse. But for now, I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep.

Life and Other Exhaustive Things

You know I really hate being exhausted all the time. It's getting old and it's giving me depression. On the other hand, I am still managing to do stuff. I woke up this morning - Cassie was already awake - grabbed coffee, took Cassie to school, came back, chilled out for a bit and then I went to the store. I knew I wanted to get something sweet and cakey like I always do - but shouldn't have! LOL! I ended up with water, Cottage cheese with strawberry and two boxes of dounuts. I also had to get stamps for my mom. Then after that, I went to get a money order so I could mail off my car insurance only to be told they couldn't do it until 10:00am. It was frustrating. But I just went out to the car, ate the cottage cheese with strawberry and wrote in my schedule book. One or two and time was done.

When I went back into Albertson's to get the money order, they had trouble getting the machine working. LOL! It's one of those days. I said the wrong amount of money the first time, but we got it right eventually. I was never so happy as when I got the money order filled out, in the envelope and mailed!! Going home, I tried to stay up for a bit, but I was getting so tired. By 11:00am I start crashing. Maybe I'll have to try more coffee around that time and see if that helps, because usually I lay down and try to take a nap. Today I actually did sleep for a bit. It was hard to wake up a bit, but I did and went to go get Cassie. Rather than work on the schedule I did some reading instead. I got a chapter or so farther into "Cowboys & Aliens."

When Cassie got out of school we went home and started working on her homework. I couldn't really help her with her math. I have forgotten how to do fractions. Then there was a history paper she needed to finish. She did that. Then there was another history paper that said right on it to do in class and she was adamant that he sent it home for homework! Guess she'll find out tomorrow. But she took what she couldn't do to Jason and Susan's and for the most part did the rest of her homework there. Susan came and picked her up early - 3:30pm, but that was fine with me. It gave me time to run off my manuscript - not the formatted one, but I just need the story for the synopsis. I haven't really worked on it. I wrote a couple of things down, but not sure I'm going to use any of it. Tomorrow I'll started working on it in the morning. I just get so tired in the evenings now, even though I still don't go to sleep early. It SUCKS! I toss and turn for hours!! Ugh!

Not only did I run off the book, I watched a few episodes of "Fact or Faked" and then I also headed out to therapy. I spent time talking about Cassie and the schedule and how she seems to be thriving despite not being as happy about circumstances as I am. I talked about being tired, depressed yet still getting things done. And I talked about my writing. I need to maybe look over a couple of things again for the synopsis, but tomorrow I really need to get to it. I really want to move forward with my writing. If I could just get one person to read it and like it I would be happy! I just want to see my writing in print that people can buy. I want to be able to say "I DID IT!" Of course, getting a little money would be nice too. 

Anyway, I came home, ate dinner and went to my room, getting on the computer, but I am so tired!! So instead I just kind of farted around with different websites and different searches. I do still think of Denise and I know it's kind of cruel, though part of me really would just want to share this, not to rub her nose in it, that I got published. I would post it somewhere real obvious or literally send it to her. She would take it bad though. But I still think about her and there are times I still miss her. But you know, things are the way they are. And I'm looking forward, not backward.

Okay, well, I'm going to take my meds, watch the rest of "Ghost Hunters" and then TRY to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be a fresh day!

Damn Tired But Strangely Optimistic!

Damn I'm tired. I've been tired all day. I tried to take a nap, but I really didn't. I didn't work on my synopsis, but I'm determined to work on it tomorrow. I guess I just had to let the idea kick around in my head for a bit and also to hear from other people. I might do the synopsis for my other books as well. Well . . . maybe not. I should be on a finale edit before I do one. That way I have the story correct. But I think I know what I need to do. One of the things I'm going to do is go through my chapters and write the important parts down. Then I'm going to try to write it in a good emotionally capturing way in present tense. THAT will suck, but I'm not as afraid as I was before. Now I'm at the place where I think I can and that's where I need to be. So tomorrow will be the say and I'll spend what time I have to.

Anyway, I really didn't do much. I got Cassie up for school. She didn't seem happy, but it's the morning and we're not morning people. I asked if she wanted something to eat, but she was all ready to get to school and meet up with her friends. When I got home, I had my coffee then Jordan gave me the computer. I puttered around for a bit, but I really didn't do much since I wasn't going to write the synopsis today. I had thought about it, but I was so tired. So then I tried to take a nap. Got interupted three times so it wasn't good. Then it was time for me to pick up Cassie. That's when I decided to fill out the school packet. It took me awhile to get it done, but I did it! And just in time for Cassie to get there. She was having issues of her own though as she was late because she was trying to get something back from Nikki! LOL! On the way home, we went to McDonald's and got soda. Not that I should have, but what can I say? I like to get soda. It's like a little treat!

When we finally got back home I helped her with her math. Then I helped her with her English by encouraging her to get her work done - an Events paper. She's going to write a story and she had to write down the events in the story. Kind of like an outline, I guess. She needs a first draft of the story by Friday. But she's all geared up to get it done, which I think is awesome! Now I just need to keep encouraging her. She's going to do awesome this year!! I just know it!

My mom made a great dinner tonight - pork roast. I think Cassie is pretty much scared of pork now because she learned about worms in them. I tried to tell her that's why you cook pork through. She still thinks its gross. LOL! Personally, if they're dead and I can't see them, who cares! But the roast was really good and she had a loose gravy with veggies - celery, carrots, potatoes and I think there was an onion in there too. Love it! Jordan slept all day. Then when he got up he wasn't hungry, but I still wanted him to do the dishes so I told him I'd get the stuff put up, then he could do dishes and I would water the front yard for him. That worked out well, though I got myself kinda wet! LOL! But after that we watched an episode of "Criminal Minds." It was one I'd seen before, but I think Jordan watched all of it too. Then I wanted to get soda at McDonald's again this time with Jordan and to finally put what's left of my money in the take. :-P It wasn't much, but at least it was something.

Well, I have to say for as tired as I am and kinda on the depressed side, I'm actually excited because of the progress I've been making with getting ready for publishers and agents. I just hope this time I'm doing a good job. I don't feel helpless with it now and that's awesome! But I still feel that darkness inside me. Maybe that's just who I am. Maybe that darkness is going to be with me forever. But at least I can go forward and maybe make a name for myself.

Now I'm going to finish watching "Dirty Jobs" and maybe some "Billy the Exterminator" though I don't think it's going to be new tonight. :-( But I could be wrong! That would be awesome! And I HOPE I sleep well tonight. I suppose I shouldn't be drinking a huge soda, huh? LOL!

Feeling Off

I have felt tired and off all day long. Well since I woke up. I'm going to do my best to go to sleep early because I just want to sleep. Last night it took me hours to fall asleep. Plus, I think I'm fighting off a head cold. Cassie has been fighting a cold and so is my mom and I have been using more nose spray than usual which usually means I'm fighting off a head cold. I'm not coughing though. I can't keep my nose clear though. It interferes with my ability to sleep.

Anyway, it's not like I've done much today. I really haven't. My goal really was to write a synopsis, but I just couldn't. Doing the research for one, I literally got a panic attack. Not sure what that's about, but I might give myself another day or two before working on it. Maybe I'll hand write a little of it. I can try anyway. Ugh! It seems like such a project, but I don't want to not have it in case I'm asked for one.

Maybe I just need a little bit of a break from working on the writing project. Just a day or two. Then I have to throw myself back into it. But I have to get this anxiety under control. Plus, the depression I know I'm fighting. I have been excited and stuff, but depression is right under it. And I'm really depressed tonight because I had to fight with Cassie about her coming home. I eventually had to call Susan to reinforce that she had to come home. They worry I am blaming them for how Cassie's acting and what's funny is I feel like they're blaming me. I guess there's enough to go all around. I hate it though. I feel like she would be happy to not have me in her life at all. I know that's probably the depression, but it seems true. She would be perfectly happy being over at Jason and Susan's and never see me again.

Anyway, I was able to watch MOST of the "Eureka" finale. It was a cliffhanger, of course. Ugh! It'll come back for a Christmas Episode, but then it won't be back until next summer! :-( Ah well. I have no other shows on tonight, but I think I might just wrap this up early, take my ativan - that Jordan picked up for me tonight. I kinda bribed him with a soda and an ice cream cone from McDonald's. Not like he wouldn't do it if I asked, but it's always nice to have a perk. But that $20 for my tank is down to $10 now.

Well, I feel like crying. Maybe I am PMSing a little still. Maybe I'll try Cassie's pamprin and see what happens even though I'm over my period, I think. Or not.

Time to take meds and veg. I think that's all I'm capable of right now.

Going Forward - Formatting and Query Letter Done!

I can't believe I didn't write here last night. But by the time I realized I hadn't all I wanted to do was sleep. I guess it's bound to happen.

Yesterday was a pretty good day! I got the rest of "Assassin's Seduction" formatted! I am so happy with myself! I have kind of been letting my Cafemom groups go by the wayside - well, not "The Writer's Workshop." I've been making daily goals and then reporting on whether I've met that goal or not and basically I've been meeting my goals or then some. Yesterday the goal was to format three chapters. I did that. Then I rested for awhile and then went back to formatting a few more chapters. I rested a little while again and finished it! I hadn't expected to push myself, but I'm glad I did! It made me feel like I really had accomplished something! I mean, of course I had! Just makes me feel all excited. I was pretty excited that as tired as I was it was a little hard to sleep. But once I did get to sleep boy did I sleep!

I was so tired that I just didn't want to get up. I didn't wake up until about 2:30pm give or take an hour. My mom wasn't happy with me, but what was she going to do? She could have woken me up, but she didn't. I pulled out my laptop and started checking my sites. There was nothing in any of groups that are mine. But I did post another set of word promps for the week. I think I was the only one to do the word prompt last week. I think I need to do a couple of those and then tackle the Monthly Writing Prompt.

Anyway, my goal was to write a query letter. My mom called me out for dinner before I got to it and I almost didn't write one. But I just told myself that it was my goal just to get a draft done of it. That I just had to get something on paper. So after dinner I went back to the computer. I pulled up the website for queries and I just sat my butt down and worked on it! I tried to make it interesting and giving a good part of the story without giving it away. I just don't know how good it is, but I read it to Nicole and I read it to Linda. They both said it sounded good. Of course, until an agent looks at it I won't really know. I am excited that it's another step done, though I am worried it's not good enough. Of course, I'm sure that's how I'm always going to feel. Tomorrow my goal is to work on a synopsis. I need to read more about them and then if I can just get a draft done of it I'll be happy. I plan to start sending out letters either when I get $50 check or at the beginning of October. I'm going to have to make sure that I have money to take care of mailing stuff out. I just want to move forward.

I am really nervous about not succeeding, but on the other hand, if I don't try I'll NEVER succeed. Period. So I just have to keep moving forward. 

Well, I got to watch "Billy the Exterminator" today which was cool. Got to see the one where he saved the kitten in the wall and he caught the dirty rat at the bank! LOL! I also have been watching "River Monsters." I'll probably watch "Tanked" and "Hillbilly Hand Fishing." I'm pretty tired so we'll see if I make it that far. I was bad though and went to Albertson's and got a cheese coffee cake and I ate the whole thing. I think the nerves from going forward with the writing is making me crave stuff like that too. I suppose if it's not one thing it's another.  I also called Cassie tonight. She was dozing watching TV. That cough medicine is really kicking her butt. Her stomach wasn't hurting at the moment either, which was good. I wonder how she'll be tomorrow.

Okay, I guess that's it for now. I'm going to take meds and veg to the TV. Maybe even go to sleep soon. That would be nice.

  

Aunt Flo Makes Everything Worse

Well, I let Cassie stay home today. Poor thing just felt awful. I did try to get her to go, but I didn't have the heart to force the issue. Plus, she was seeing the doctor anyway. The doctor seems to think the stomach ache is due to stress and gave her some antacid pills. Then for her cold the doctor prescribed some cough medicine. But after I let her go back to sleep I went back to sleep. FINALLY. I had to tell Jordan to take a shower last night. Then make sure to get him out the door when Jason and Susan got there. He was doing a ticket buy with Susan after they dropped Jason at his work. When Susan brought Jordan back, she took Cassie . . . No one told me! LOL! Of course, it makes sense, but it would have been nice if Cassie had said good-bye.

Anyway, I didn't get up until 1:00pm. I was so tired I could have slept longer! But I knew I needed to get up. I had to pick up Jason because Susan was taking Cassie to the doctor for me. I got coffee and then ate something. I took a shower. Also found out Aunt Flo had arrived. The PMS was making me all emotional. While I was out in the family room Jordan brought out the computer and had to show me the newest "Epic Rap Battles of History." This one was Mr. T vs. Mr. Rogers! LOL! I personally think Mr. Rogers won! :-D It was great. Then Jordan gave me the computer, but I really didn't have much time to use it.

On my way to pick Jason up I decided to break my twenty and get a soda from McDonald's. I almost got a burger, but decided not to. While I was waiting to get to the window Jason texted me to tell me he'd be there more like 3:45pm and I was like, sure! I didn't feel panicked being stuck in the line anymore. I got to the Amaya station with 15 minutes to spare. While I waited though, my PMS was getting the better of me - last night with Cassie still getting to me. I just want her to be happy, and I was hoping she was happy with the arrangement. Guess it was just me. Anyway, Jason arrived and we went back to my place. As we waited for Susan to come pick him up I talked to him about how I was feeling. I don't often do that. But I told him how I felt like Cassie didn't want to spend any time with me at all. That if she had her way, she'd never see me. He tried to assure me that she loves me, but it just hurt me. I HATE BEING EMOTIONAL!! Ugh!

When Susan got here Jason left and they took Jordan to take him to Tim's house. Tomorrow is Taylor's 18th birthday and Jordan was going to help get things ready. But I wasn't going to stay around either. After I ate dinner I asked my mom if she had $5 so I could get some tampons. I was almost out. She instead gave me a $10. She also wanted me to pick up some milk, orange juice, bread and apple juice. I also picked up some jelly buns. What I wanted was my cherry cheese danishes, but I didn't see any! Not even regular cheese danishes. That kind of bummed me out. Then I got a Woman's World too. Once I left I started worrying about how I was going to get everything inside. I stopped to get another soda with my change then when I got home, I left that, my purse and my jelly buns in the car and literally dragged everything else to the door. I heard a young man's voice to see Taylor open the door for me. He also grabbed the bags and carried them into the kitchen. Thank god! Then with his help I got stuff put away and was able to go out and grab my other stuff. I did tell him I might not go to the party tomorrow and he seemed okay with it.

When I got back to my room I set up the computer and though I wasn't sure I was up for Formatting, I decided that I needed to do it whether I felt like it or not. So I formatted two chapters. Tomorrow my goal is three. Anyway, then my mom made hot chocolate for us. I put some of my Italian sweet cream creamer in it and oh wow! Yum!! Then I went back to the formatting. I also put on "Tanked." I really do enjoy that show and I posted a bunch of stuff on "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluff! and "The Writer's Workshop." Then I'm watching "Haven." I'm pretty tired so I hope if I take my meds I'll be able to sleep. I need to take some advil too. To ward off the cramps AND the headache I have. I also get so tired with my period so hopefully sleep will find me easily. If not, I won't be too happy.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. If nothing else, I committed to formatting three chapters and I will do that. I have to make commitments to myself so that I can keep moving forward.

Well, seems Audry just killed the Rev in "Haven" protecting a girl who's a wendigo that he was going to kill. This should be interesting next season. And with that, I'm closing this up.

From High to Low

What a day. It was going so well for most of it. I got up, got Cassie up, made my coffee, took her to school, came home and decided that I was going to start editing my book again. I was on Chapter 10 anyway. Well, there wasn't much else that needed editing so it didn't take me very long. I was thrilled when I was finished, but then I realized that I needed to format the manuscript. I wasn't sure of what an editor wanted so I googled it. It didn't take me long to find a site that outlined what I needed to do - and it was by an editor. I also knew I was going to need help with a query letter so I googled that too. I found another site that broke down what to do and THAT was by an editor too. I hope this really is what makes things work for me. I know it's going to take time and a lot of letters, but at least I'm getting back to where I was. Moving forward, not backwards.

At first I could only edit two chapters. It's really tedious and mind numbing. Plus, I was just so tired. I am not doing well with trying to stay awake all day. By afternoon I'm wiped out.

Anyway, today was a half day at Cassie's school so I picked her up at 11:30am. When we got home, I made us tuna sandwiches for lunch. I needed food. I had two huge McDonald's soda cup sized iced coffees. Anyway, I thought things were fine. Cassie seemed happy enough. Jason called and I told him it was a half day for Cassie and he asked if they could pick her up. I said, sure, of course. Cassie took off with my food card so that Susan could do the food for Cash thing for me. $60 is going to come in handy - car insurance and fuel. Well, and maybe a soda. LOL!

After she left with them I laid down for awhile. I was just so tired. I didn't really sleep, but I snuggled with Karissa. She didn't run off when my arm was around her. I thought that was cool. I did feel a bit more awake when my mom called me and Jordan for dinner. I ate too much though. LOL! I was oiver full! Jordan went back to sleep. Unfortunately before he could do the dishes. My mom was too tired to do them. I'm too tired to do them, so Jordan has to do them when he wakes up. Plus, he is going on a ticket buy tomorrow morning. Which means I have to get him up around 5:45am. Earlier if he doesn't take a shower when he wakes up. I don't want to do it, but I will. It's $20 that he can put toward his game. That will leave me only $40 to pay.

Anyway, after dinner, I went back to my room and decided to do more formatting. I checked Cafemom and there was nothing there I was interested in reading. I checked Twitter and all that fun stuff. But when I write an update, I do it on Yahoo. Then it gets posted on Twitter and Facebook.  Oh, and for fun, I checked out Denise's Facebook - I can see part of her wall now and what I discovered is that she still spells as crappy as ever. I had to re-read several words more than once. I know at least one was probably a typo, but it really was every other word. Then she keeps asking psychics if she's going to be a successful writer. She can't even spell successful right. Not that I spell perfectly all the time because I don't, but I don't mess up THAT much. Anyway, I just find it's interesting to keep track of her.

After that, I put on music - the playlist on my cafemom homepage and started formatting again. I got through three more chapters, so that brings the grand total to five chapters today. I have been so excited today that I even called Nicole AND Linda (I was returning her call). Then Cassie came home . . . I know she wasn't feeling good. She hasn't. Not only has she had stomach aches, but now she has a sore throat, larygitis and is coughing. But I thought she might have been liking the new situation and turns out she's not. She was kind of mean about it too. It did hurt me. I like being able to spend time with her, but I guess she doesn't care about spending time with me. She just wants to be with them. Of course, a lot of that is my mom, but my mom hasn't said two words to Cassie really since she's been back. That just took my good mood and crashed it down. I hate to admit it, but I am hurt. I feel a little rejected and I honestly thought she was getting into the routine. But NO, she doesn't want to get used to the routine. She wants nothing to do with this place and apparently that means me too. Unless I'm over there. Like I could afford to see her everyday at their house. :-( It just really ruined my good mood. Kind of feel a little weepy now, actually. But tomorrow I'll just throw myself back into the formatting, try to get as much of it done as possible and then work on a Query Letter. Or at least start the Query letter by Saturday. I still need to focus on the future, no matter what. This is just a bump. I'll get through this and life will be good. I know it will be. I have to believe that. My writing will bear fruit eventually and I guess I just need to focus on that for now. Not that I can send anything out until later this month - that's IF I get a $50 check or next month. But I need to start sending out stuff as soon as possible.

Okay, I'm trying to refocus. I am tired. I'm going to take my meds, see if Jordan's awake then maybe I'll finally sleep. Just wish I could get Cassie to like the routine. I honestly thought she was . . . It sucks.

Naps Don't Help. LOL!

It doesn't seem to matter if I get a nap or not. By 8:00pm I am wiped out. Even if I don't sleep, I am so tired I just veg. Right now, I am yawning and just sort of hunching as I type. I barely had energy to take cough drops to Cassie.

Anyway, I got up, got Cassie up, got her to school. She was a little grumpy this morning, but her stomach is still hurting her. It just has me concerned even though I just think it's nerves and stress. But it seems like things are actually going pretty well! I mean, I see her every day during the week. She gets to visit Jason and Susan every day - that also means she can spend time with her friends. I really think it's working out very well. She smiles and jokes with me. Talks to her friends with me right there. I'll tell you, even now, when I get a call, I don't like ANYONE to be around when I talk and when I was her age - Hell no did I want my mother listening to me! LOL! It's just further evidence that she trusts me. :-)

When I got back from dropping off Cassie at school I finished my coffee and got to editing. In "Assassin's Seduction" I edited two more chapters. I was going to do more, but I just got so tired. In fact, I was going to try to do more editing tonight, but again, I'm just too tired. Anyway, I laid down and took a nap for about two maybe three hours. I got up in time to get to Cassie's school relatively early. It worked out well because it gave me plenty of time to make a doctor's appointment for Cassie on Friday and then time to call Susan and asking her if she would take her. I mean, it's Friday. They take her for the weekend anyway. But I'm going to have to pick up Jason from Amaya. No biggie. He's probably going to crash and sleep for awhile until Susan comes to get him.

Cassie had a dollar and she wanted to get a soda from McDonald's so I parked and checked my own change. Turned out I had enough to get one also. Yay! So we got sodas and went home. She didn't have any homework except for a paper that I needed to sign. Which I did. Then I let Cassie play online for awhile. She was talking with one of her friends and then spamming their webpage basically posting a bunch of videos from Facebook. She also put up one of her own videos so I was able to subscribe to her channel finally since she was on my account. It's cool. Now I can watch the goofy stuff she posts.

Jordan finished the laundry today. I have so many clothes to put away now. But at least we got it done. I have everything folded though so that's good. Tomorrow I'll see about hanging them up. My mom was so tired though that she gave us money to go get burgers and drinks. I figured we'd go to Wendy's for the burgers only to find out they are now charging $1.50 for their little ass burger. I told them forget it and went to McDonald's where we were going to get our drinks anyway. I hope they don't jack up their prices at some point.

Folding clothes is what I did mostly and I watched some TV. I watched something on the History Channel about Ghengis Khan. Then I got to see part of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" but they cut half of it out. I don't know what happened. It was probably one of their longer episodes and they had to cut it. It doesn't make sense when they do that though. Ugh! But it did give me the time to watch "Restaurant: Impossible." It was one I'd seen before, but it was awesome. After that, I just put on SyFy because I was waiting for the new episode of "Ghost Hunters."

Cassie came home and she had a sore throat. Plus her stomach hurt. Susan and I think that maybe her stomach ache is really due to her stressing about Grandma or coming here because of Grandma. I don't know. It's possible. I always used to get headaches when I had to come home. But she's been smiling. Oh, and I took some of her clean clothes to her and one of it was her green sweater and she just lit up! She was so happy to see it! It's her favorite jacket. She hugged it like a favorite stuffy or blanket or something. It was cool to see. I also gave her some cough drops hoping they would kind of sooth her throat in the process, but it hasn't worked. Ugh . . . She might be getting seen for a cold too! :-P Hope she's not getting sick though.

Jordan has really been helping me a lot. Grant you, I kind of have to bribe him, but so what, you know? And at least he does it. The laundry was a big help! Then we watched "Deadliest Warrior" during dinner together. And later he came and talked to me more about it. Though I don't often watch the show it's kind of cool we can connect on it.

Anyway, Cassie is tired of her name. She doesn't like anymore. Sounds too prissy for her! LOL! But you know, as much as I like the name Cassandra, I told her that if it hadn't been for her father, her name would have been Adrianna. Guess what name she likes? And the nickname to go with it is one of her favorite names - Anna. Guess I win all the way around! I don't mind her wanting to change her name. I wanted to at her age too. Mine was Laurel-Ann Whitney. She wants Adrianna Owens. LOL! Why not? I'm using Grant! So she opened another Facebook using that name. I think it's cool!. It just means she's more like me than I realized. :-) It could be that I might be calling her Anna at some point. She used to love her name Cassandra, so I won there and then with the name I was going to give her!

Well, I am exhausted. I want to finish watching "Ghost Hunters." It's kind of cool that they kind of got a full body apparition at the last location. Anyway, I'm going to take my meds, give the computer back to Jordan, finish the show and try to sleep. Hope I'm not over-tired. That would seriously suck! I need to sleep. Cassie wants to get up at 6:00am because she needs to take a bath or shower. It's going to be a long day again if I don't get some sleep tonight. Here's hoping I do . . . and this was so disjointed! LOL! That's what happens when you're as tired as me.

Just Trucking Along

I'm still tired. I just can't win. I can't sleep when I want and then I had to wake up early this morning to get Cassie to school. I have to say this school year has been very good so far! There isn't any kind of fighting with her in the morning. It's awesome! She gets up, gets ready and goes to school. It used to be such a struggle! I think this is going to be a really good year.

Anyway, this morning I made my coffee and she wanted some too so I made her a glass. She drank hers pretty quick. I drank mine pretty quick too. When I got home from dropping off Cassie, I hopped online. I can't really remember all I did online except try to get into one of my twitter accounts, but can't access it. It sucks! Kept tell me Java needed to be enabled and it was!!! I tweeted for help, but I haven't heard anything back. And I worked a long time to try to get it to work. But I went to Cafemom only there wasn't much going on there. But the BIG news is that I edited Chapter 7 of "Assassin's Seduction." I think that's the chapter with the most editing so everything else should be much easier. I wanted to do more, but I was so tired that I just had to take a nap, so after I watched an episode of "Criminal Minds" I put the alarm on for 1:40pm and laid down. Jordan disturbed me to get the computer but when I woke up I did feel better. I got up, got some stuff together - my schedule book - and headed out to go pick up Cassie.

I got the good parking spot again. I settled back and just started write on the schedule. I only got about two days done before the bell rang, but that's cool. When I got home Cassie and I hung out a little bit. We watched a little "Dog the Bounty Hunter" and she was texting. She went to go look up the yoplait yogurt diet plan on the compter. Then Jason and Susan were there to pick her up. After that i started trying to clean up my room. I picked up trash and recycleables. Got all kinds of clothes put into piles. I washed Cassie's Jack and when she got home she flipped out. I guess using the dryer ruins the fleece, so next time I wash it, I'll just hang it up to dry. She wants me to do the same to her black skinnies. I just hope I remember. I definitely DO NOT want to ruin her clothes. So I have to remember and pay attention.

Dinner was good. My mom made fried chicken and it had a really nice crust on it. Then she served it with mashed potatoes, gravy and veggies. The gravy was so good!! Jordan doesn't like gravy. He said the potatoes tasted horrible. Too bad he doesn't like the gravy because it was fantastic on them! Then Jordan did dishes and I went back to my room. I didn't do much except kind of clean up a little bit more. Then I just chilled out - watched "Cash Cab," "Dirty Jobs," and "Auction Kings." But the show I'm waiting for is the new "Billy the Exterminator." I'm looking forward to seeing this mother of all gators. LOL!

Anyway, Cassie's stomach is still hurting. She doesn't want me to take her to the doctor. Nothing works. She's had the upper GI checked and that's where the pain in and nothing was wrong. Frankly, I'm out of ideas. Tums don't work. Pepcid doesn't work. Just don't know whatelse to do. Guess I'll just keep an eye on it and see what happens. It does have me worried though. I just don't have any answers.

Oh, and a good thing! Jordan took a shower and yes that's a big enough deal to comment on! LOL! I'm going to try to make it a more regular thing for him. And while that went on, I wrote a few things in "The Writer's Workshop."

But now I'm exhausted. I'm going to take some meds and relax. "Billy the Exterminator" comes on in 45 minutes. :-) I need to hopefully sleep well tonight. Wish me luck!

I Can't Escape Being TIRED!

I've been tired all freaken day! I hate it! I just haven't been sleeping well at all. My nose has been giving me nothing but trouble which makes it worse. I want to wake up early - which I will be doing tomorrow morning. But I don't want to feel like I'm dragging.

Anyway, I slept until around 1:00pm. I knew I needed to get up so I did. I got online and checked my Cafemom groups, but nothing was really done today. Guess everyone's busy on Mondays or this Monday. I was so into what I was doing though that I almost forgot what time it was. My mom had to remind me to get Cassie because it was almost 2:00pm. But I was able to get my regular spot, which is cool. I guess people don't like to park out in the sun if they can avoid it where I will if I have to. I took my book "Cowboys and Indians" and read until she got out of school and got to the car. After that, Cassie and I went to Albertson's to get something to drink. I got water and Cassie got a Squirt. Her stomach was upset more of today though and I think Sprite would have been better, but I guess it worked.

When we got home, I helped Cassie with an essay she wrote. It had to be typed up and I typed it up for her. I suppose I should have let her do it, but I figured she did the hard part - writing it. There was something else she had for homework, but she didn't have her colored pencils so she had to do it at Jason and Susan's. Susan picked her up and took her. This schedule really is cool and even Jason likes it. Of course he'd still like her to live over there, but I think this is cool! We all get to spend time with her this way.

Anyway, my mom made dinner - hot dogs and baked beans. It was good. Then I did some searching/stalking on Denise. LOL! I found a couple more places she's gone. I just think it's funny because it's not like I'm going to contact her. But I get to keep track of her. I guess part of me still cares about her. But oh well. Things are the way they are. Maybe things will change if and when I get published. I'll make it a point to let her know about it. Well, maybe . . . I'm not a cruel person by nature so maybe not. Of course, I want to be published and I want what I get published to be very good! I just have to stay strong and not stop doing what I need to do. That means tomorrow no matter how I feel I need to get my ass moving on editing my book! If I don't finish it then there will be no going forward. I have to have a product to be able to sell. But the big pay off would just see my book in print! God that would be so awesome! Not that it wouldn't be nice to be able to make a living at it.

Well, Jordan and I ended up going to Albertson's to get drinks. I got an Arizona Green Tea this time and Jordan got a Sobe Raspberry Lemonade. Of course, we also got brownie bites and 2 boxes of vanilla Zingers. It was 2 for $4, which is a good deal. We ate the Brownie Bites together, but I gave Jordan one of the boxes. Probably shouldn't have, but did anyway. He just better keep that room of his clean! I don't want to see any wrappers on his floor or under his bed. Personally, I'm too full to eat any of mine tonight - for now anyway.

Cassie came home and she was nice and showered. She wants me to get her up tomorrow at 6:30am so she can do her make-up. :-) She also got skinny jeans from Hot Topic and she wants to start working there when she turns 14 years old. We'll see if they're hiring since they do hire people that young. And she LOVES Hot Topic. She also got a pin that says "I'm not Antisocial! I just hate you!" LOL! Funny little thing, she is!

Anyway, that's really been my day. Now I'm going to take my meds, finish watching the summer finale of "The Closer" and of "Rizzoli & Isles." Tomorrow I have got to force myself to edit. It has to get done! So I guess that's it. 

Making It Through the Day

Well I'm writing my journal entry early tonight. I'm really tired and I might try to go to sleep early. In fact, I think that's the best idea for me. It feel almost like I didn't get sleep last night when I did. But it feels like it wasn't enough.

I didn't do much today. I posted some stuff on my Cafemom groups. For "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" I posted a documentary that had aired on HBO about 9/11. I'd already watched it the night before last at Jason and Susan's. I also posted the "What were you doing when" in "The Writer's Workshop." It was cool though because Angel wrote from a word prompt! Grant you, she put it under mine, but that's okay. At least she wrote something! :-) And that I think is Awesome.

While I was playing on my groups I was also watching repeats of "Tanked" which also is mice. Then I watch a repeat of "Hillbilly Hand Fishing" which is pretty fun and now "River Monsters Unhooked" which is definitely a good show! At the moment, it's about the electric eels.

Anyway, my mom fixed dinner - hamburger patties, new potatoes and salad. I used BBQ sauce. The little kick makes my nose run, but it tastes so good! KC Masterpiece rocks! 

After that, my mom wanted us to go to the pharmacy for her. I had meds to pick up too. So Jordan and I went. I just had enough change to cover a soda and two ice cream cones. What's funny is I didn't even know what medication I needed to pick up. Only that there was one there for me. Turned out that it was my paxil. :-) So I have it now, yay!

But my mother . . . She is not nice. Today she is very stressed out and frustrated as all hell - especially with Jordan. But though she gets upset, it just gets him angry when she picks on him. There is a dispute about his room. He won't clean it up. He won't take his dirty clothes out - though there isn't a lot of them I don't think. And he didn't do dishes tonight either. I guess I have to make sure I tell him every night. For the last day or two my mom was doing them because she had to boil the water, but the warning isrmac over and everything's fine. I do wish he was more helpful, but he does help a lot when he's in a good mood. Basically when he's not being bitched at.

Anyway, I'm ready to veg out and go to sleep. I just need to run to the bathroom and take my meds first. Hopefully I will sleep early and then wake up kind of early. We'll see what happens.

Cafemom Mom

Man I'm tired. I slept until 1:30pm or maybe a bit later, but I'm tired. I just am. I did get the computer all day though which was awesome. I didn't feel up to editing, but I wrote a poem about the black out and posted it in several of my groups on Cafemom. I then got a new member in "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" She actually replies to things! And she was very active today so I tried to reply to most of what she put out there so that way she'd know how excited I was she was there and to encourage her to respond more! I am just so happy I have someone who really seems like they want to be involved! Then for "The Writer's Workshop" I wrote another little thing with a prompt word. I wrote what I call "Karissa's Lazy Day." LOL! Yeah, the word was Cat! :-) And then one of the women in the group wrote another prompt for the word leaves. It was awesome. She's shy she says so I made sure to compliment her - it WAS really, really good! I'm just glad that the groups are going so well!

Then my mom made banana-strawberry smoothies for Jordan and I. Then she made breakfast for dinner which was great. The bacon was almost perfect! Actually most of it was perfect for me because I can't eat it when it's crisp. We also had scrambled eggs and seasoned fries. It was yummy!

I was done with the computer and I gave it to Jordan, but I also wanted to go to the store to get coffee creamers. I got three coffeemates - cinnamon vanilla, vanilla caramel and Italian sweet cream. I haven't tried that last one yet, but now I will! Of course, at the store I also bought myself a Gold Peak green tea, a strawberry cheesecake. I also got Jordan two chicken tender sandwiches, some gummi frogs and gummi colas. I can't believe I ate all of the cheesecake. It was good, but I don't think I'll watch cheesecake for awhile. 

Anyway, when I got home I started watching stuff on 9/11. But it's just so sad. I have been okay with watching stuff for the last year. But I guess I watched too much because it started having a negative effect on me. I did write a poem about 9/11 and I plan to post it on my groups tomorrow. Not sure if I'll watch more 9/11 stuff, but I probably will watch something. After all, tomorrow is the ten anniversary. All I can say is thank god we finally killed Osama bin Laden. It didn't kill his organization, but we did finally get the mastermind behind the 9/11 tragedy. 

Jordan came in and he was bored and said that what I was watching was too depressing and we needed to watch something better. So turning the channel we got to Animal Planet and found this show on called "Bad Dog" and it's hilarious!! I love it! So since watching this silly show I have a smile on my face and it's pretty good! They showcase mostly dogs, but they show other animals as well. In fact, the last one they showed was about a raccoon!

Anyway, not much else is going on. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully more fun in my Cafemom groups and if I'm really lucky I'll be in the right mood to do some editing. But for now, I'm going to take my meds and try to go to sleep.

The Black Out and Beyond!

Man am I tired, but I have to say I had two very eventful days! One of the BIG reasons I didn't write a journal entry last night was because of the San Diego Black Out! Or I guess Southern California. It went into Orange County too. But wow. Cassie had just left with Susan and I thought Jordan and I would go to Walmart. Well, the power just went out. I was like, okay. Maybe this is just local. So I take Jordan and we go up to Walmart in La Mesa. Nope. They were hit. Decided to go to Santee. They were hit. Went to El Cajon. THEY were hit. It was around this time I got a text from Cassie telling me the black out is all of San Diego and up into Orange County. Also a little in Arizona too. Anyway, we just went home. But driving in it was crazy too! Most of the lights were out. Some of them were blinking. There were even a couple actually working! But very few. Not being able to get dinner out my mom, Jordan and I settled on salami sandwiches. After that, I could have done some reading, but I really didn't want to. I was on the tired side so I just laid down and went to sleep. I woke up around 10:30pm and then was dozing on and off in the dark. It was so hot I had to open my bedroom door to get a breeze through the window. But my mom had her door open too. I don't know how people put up with my snoring, but my mother, though not loud, kept me awake. I was never so happy, though it started me bad, as when the power came back. My fan just suddenly started up! The Printer clicked on. The hall light came on! I was never so happy! I was able to turn on my light, the TV my DVD player . . . I finally went to sleep again and then I didn't want to wake up. Must have been having an interesting dream that I now don't remember. :-P In fact, I didn't get up until about 1:30pm.

Anyway, my mom had lunch ready which was nice. It what was going to be dinner the night before - burgers! Yum! Then Jordan and I went to Walmart. I needed to get Cassie glue sticks. I also got tape, though that's more for me, though I'm not sure what I'll end up using it for. But I always seem to need tape and not have it. Now it will be I have it and won't need it! LOL! We also needed to look at microwaves for my mom. I also looked at the $5 DVD bin and I found the movie I wanted "The Last House on the Left." It looks scary, but since it's bad guys that are going to get their ass kicked, I guess I can sit through it. And Cassie is excited to watch it with me, which is even more awesome! I also got a romance book, though I shouldn't have. It's called "Maharaja's Mistress." It's not a sheik book, but I think this one might be just as interesting! I also ran into a woman who asked if I was a 5X. Turns out she was that size once before she got a lap sleeve or whatever. So she wanted to sell her clothes to someone who needs them for $1 a piece. I need to talk to my mother about it. But she was nice and so was her husband. They noticed I was a cutter and her husband prayed for me. It's the thought that counts, right?

After that, Jason said he wanted to come over and I was in no mood. I'll tell you, I had heat rashes under my boobs. I needed a shower BADLY!! But he talked me into letting him come over. LOL! I turned out to be a good thing. He arrived, I took my shower. He actually moved my matress for me which was driving me crazy lately because I just couldn't seem to push it back far enough. Anyway, he got me smiling and I felt better after my shower. He then invited me over to his place for dinner. Jordan didn't want to go. I had us go to Vons to see if there was any $5 Friday deals for desserts, but there really weren't. Plus we needed to get two ham steaks and they only had one. We ended up going to Albertson's. This time I gave Jason my card. I told him to get my tea too. While he was in there, I started reading "Cowboys and Aliens." So far so good! Not that I'm a huge way into it. It's still the opening, but I like it!

Anyway, I went over there and we watched some TV. We ended up watching something on 9/11. It's still so sad. It was definitely a dark day in history. But we all came together then. There is a high alert for NYC this weekend and the cops are stopping all trucks to make there's nothing funny in them. They are worried about a truck with three men and explosives, I guess. I can see the terrorists trying something it being 9/11. But I hope that if there are they get found out and get their asses KICKED! Of course, a bullet in the head wouldn't be bad, but then they become martyrs. I hate religious fanatics of any faith. It just seems the real crazy ones are Islamic. Go figure. I'm sure that as a whole the faith is probably a good one! But there has to be the zealots that ruin it for the rest of their faith.

Well, we had dinner and ice cream. I said bye to Cassie. Oh and even Jason likes this new routine with Cassie!! That made me feel so much better too! I mean, EVERYONE gets to spend time with her! I really love it. :-) I get to see my baby everyday for the most part! LOL! Yeah, school was called off today because of the black out. Susan had her and asked if she could keep her last night and I said yes, because it would be too dangerous to bring her back anyway. There would be no lights on the street. The signals would be out most of the way . . . too dangerous. So it was nice I saw her today. Now they have her for the weekend. They'll take her to school on Monday and I'll pick her up! :-) It really works out so well! I LOVE IT!

Anyway, I came home. Jordan came and brought me the computer and he came to talk to me a bit. It's nice spending time with both of them now. But anyway I watched "Haven" and then I've watched a couple of episodes of "Tanked" which is really a cool show. "Haven" is getting more creepy. The Rev is a nasty piece of work and I'm not sure exactly what he's up to, but definitely to no good. Duke's wife got shot and died. And it turned out that the troubled person this time was an abused woman. She accidentally poisoned people with her touch until she finally turned it on her abuser - her husband. Then he died and everyone else effected was healed. Then with "Tanked" they build a live coral reef tank which was totally awesome!!! And then they built a special take that this little boy could recover under when he gets open heart surgery. That was TRULY AWESOME! When the little boy saw the tank and was under where they had a porthole for him to look up into it, everyone was in tears. It was wonderful.

Well, I took my meds. I need to take some ibuprofen for my headache that's starting up again and then I'm going to try to go to sleep. Oh, I have to reset my clock . . . ugh . . . Well, it's a little thing to do. So it's time to go to sleep. I do hope there isn't another black out for a very, very long time!

So Far So Good

Well, so far things have been good. I woke Cassie up at 6:00am which was too early for both of us, so I reset the alarm for 6:35am. She got up easily for me. I made coffee while she started getting her clothes together to get on. She didn't want to eat anything but I had her take a granola bar with her - she ended not eating it until after school. LOL! But it was nice. There was no fighting, no arguing. She just got up and got ready. I gave her some of my coffee too. Then I figured I wasn't going to take her to school until 7:10am, but she wanted to go before 7:00am. She was meeting her friends. I thought that was cool. She told me she loved me when she got out of the car. It was awesome!

After that, I went home long enough to change. Then I grabbed the shopping list and made the decision to go to the Santee Walmart. Which was a really good decision. The only thing they didn't have that I wanted was my cherry cheese danishes. But I got cheese danishes instead. But they're not as good. So I want to go up to the La Mesa Walmart and get them, though I shouldn't. They're really not good for me, but I want them so bad. I am so compulsive! But I'm not as stressed which hopefully means I won't eat TONS of stuff at a time.

It was great though. I got chicken, a box of beef patties, cheese . . . they even had some fruits and veggies there, but I didn't get any of that. I almost bought a pineapple though. Maybe if I go back I'll get one. I thought that was pretty cool!

When I got home I didn't have much to do. I helped put away stuff until my back just couldn't handle it anymore. I then laid down to watch TV. There wasn't much on except something on the history channel about comic book super heros and how comics have changed over the years. It was interesting enough, but I was so tired I fell asleep. My mom woke me up, then Jordan came in when the alarm started going off. It was HARD to wake up. I must have been sleeping deep. I have been exhausted since. Hopefully I'll stay awake for "Ghost Hunters" but I don't know. I am so tired!

Anyway, I picked up Cassie from school. She seemed happy enough. She was back with Zeke again. I was nice enough to take him home again. Then when we got home I had Cassie do her homework. It was a fun project where she had a puzzle piece looking paper and she had to put a pic of herself, a few sentences about herself, a science quesstion and her name. I let her put on music while she did it. But I had the computer, so I surfed my websites and just kept an eye on her. Soon enough Jason and Susan were there to get her.

I have to admit that I really LOVE this time with her again. I have missed being with her every day. I love her so much.

Anyway, I went to therapy, which was a good thing. Found out I still have A LOT of unresolved anger at John. But I am optimistic about having Cassie and her getting used to this in time. But I am worried that she's going to come home crying again. It kills me to see her cry. And she should be home anytime within the next half hour.

I was going to go to the Hostess Outlet Store - which would have been a bad thing too, I think. LOL! So it was a good thing they were closed! But I had to check. When I got home my mom had dinner ready. I didn't see the salad, but there were fish sticks and quesadillas! Yum! I enjoyed the combo. I have been drinking water and soda. Soda probably isn't that great, but I do love my Diet Dr. Pepper. In fact, I had grabbed a bottle at Walmart this morning. I was so thirsty I drank like a third of the bottle without stopping and usually I can't do that with soda. Guess it goes to show you what you can do when you're thirsty!

Well, with luck Cassie will be okay when she comes home tonight, but I guess I'll have to prepare for the worst case. Then when she's settled, I'm going to go to sleep!

Challenging Day

I didn't have to wake up early this morning since Cassie was at Jason and Susan's this morning. I didn't actually wake up until around 1:00pm, but I wasn't sleeping well. It was too hot and I was worried about Cassie going to school and coming home or here rather. I also called my, lawyer to find out that my lawyer had retired and that I had a new lawyer. I left a message for him. I'm a little uncomfortable because I don't know him. I did get a refund from either my car insurance or the DMV. I don't know which. But either way I got $21. Of course, my mother opened the letter and was the one to find it. So she had me sign the check and she gave me the money. It's good because I got into one of my $20s for fuel to get sodas at McDonald's.

Anyway, I grabbed a soda from McDonald's and parked at Cassie's school to pick her up. I actually got to work a little on my story "Crossfire." Then before long the school bell rang. I was kind of anxious because I wasn't sure what to expect when she got to me. But she seemed happy enough. She was with one of her friends who I was nice enough to take home. I think she said his name was Zeke. I believe he was her friend last year too. After that, we went to get fuel in the car and get more sodas - one more for me, then Cassie and Jordan. Cassie had to call AT&T because the internet on her phone wasn't working. I was impressed. She handled it like a professional! Then once at home things were okay. My mother and Cassie got into it a bit. But it settled down. I helped Cassie print off a pic of herself for her science class. I don't know what they're going to do with it, but I guess she was told to bring in a recent pic. Then Susan and Jason came to get Cassie. That worked out for me. I got online and was able to work on a couple of things for my groups. I posted a bunch of stuff for "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and then I also worked on my Word Prompt on The Writer's Workshop. I also posted my James Bond Fan Fiction. Angel said she looks forward to reading it many more times and I thought that was cool! :-) I posted that I was thinking about writing a follow-up and she wants me to! I'll have to think of something fun. Or maybe I can write a holiday story. That's something to think about!

Anyway, Cassie was hysterical when she had to come back home from Jason and Susan's. She was beyond mean. Yelled, screamed, said some real mean things. I finally had had enough and told her to go take a bath that I thought we needed a break. She didn't go take a bath. She actually went out to the old computer room and talked to her friends - and Jason. When my mom said she wasn't in the bathroom, I went to check on her. She was more calm. I asked what she was doing. She told me and I was okay, but I'd like you to take a bath. After that, she did and when she got out she came to me and cried a little bit telling me she was so sorry for what she'd said. I'm glad she apologized, but I told her to try to think before speaking because once you say something, it's out there and it can't be taken back. I mean, I can handle it. I deal with Jason often enough - not easy, but do-able. Then she just sat on the bed next to me. We went through her backpack. She wanted me to write on her spirals - subject, her name and the period. That made me feel special. I know it's a dumb little thing, but it did make me feel good. Her and I hung out for a bit more. I got her to get into her night clothes (I had her use one of my shirts and then she had shorts). She then showed me a couple of songs on YouTube and changed something on her Facebook. She went to bed at 10:00pm. Glad she didn't argue about that. My mother got upset though when Cassie told her she hated her. But you know, it's just how it goes. I told her to expect Cassie to act the same way for awhile.

Well, after she went to bed, I watched the new episodes of "Billy the Exterminator" which were great! Rat Killing, Fire Ant Killing, Roach Killing, Baby Allagator saving . . . All good stuff! Now I need to take my meds, set the alarm for 6:00am (I am DEFINITELY having coffee tomorrow morning!) and then try to sleep. I think my anxiety is finally easing up. Tomorrow I have to go to therapy and I hope I don't forget. I've been forgetting a lot of stuff lately and I need this appointment. I still feel off, but at least my chest isn't hurting.

I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day - at least when Cassie comes back from Jason and Susan's tomorrow night since they're picking up Casssie every day around 4:00pm. And damn my head is hurting again. Ugh!! Time to take meds - definitely some advil! Time to go!

Quite an Up and Down Day

Well, today was Labor Day. I actually had a hard time waking up but Cassie came over and got the money for a backpack. I slept a little longer but when I finally got up it was cool. We were invited over to Jason and Susan's for a steak and shrimp dinner for Susie's bday. Jordan took a shower. I should have, but didn't. Instead I took like an hour to create the new group on Cafemom. It's called The Writer's Workshop. It was really fun to make. I made the forums and have 9 of them. I have weekly word prompts and monthly story prompts. I have other forums for poetry, fan fiction, chapters for those writing books and a place to vent about writer's block or any frustration about writing. I have to say I'm rather proud of myself.

Anyway, before I could post my prompts and stuff Jordan and I left for Jason and Susan's. My mom gave me money to buy Susan a cake - we ended up with cupcakes, but these cupcakes from Vons ROCK! They are so good!! We also stopped at McDonald's and got sodas. And I remembered Susan's bday card and Cassie's school supplies. She was happy that I got her mechanical pencils. She got an awesome backpack. It's rainbow colored in a checker print. I felt so bad though because she started crying. It just broke my heart. She cried and cried in her room. Jason talked with her. Susan talked with her and she wanted to talk to me. I stayed with her for 20-30 minutes and let her cry it out. I let her cry until she was calm. She took a bath after that and ate a little dinner, but emotionally she was wrung through the wringer and so was I. I wanted to cry with her and take her pain away. If I could just make everything go back to the way they were . . . I don't know. I think she'll be okay. It's just going to take time. And she is definitely going to give my mother hell. I don't think that's going to help, but who knows. I'm picking her up from school tomorrow and then Susan is going to pick her up around 4pm. She'll take her to get her nails done and then she'll go over for dinner. Then come home around 8-8:30pm. This is so killing me though. Cassie talked about wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. That she wanted to die before coming back here. I have felt that way many times. Just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. I feel so helpless. I can't get her help because she won't take it. I mean, you have to be open for the help to make it work and she's just not willing. I wish she was. I just want to help her. I guess all I can do is try to make things go easier for her and just keep an eye on her so if she ends up needing real help I can get it for her.

Anyway, dinner was great. The steak was so tender and Susan made regular fried shrimp and she made coconut shrimp too! It was wonderful! Jason kind of passed out cupcakes and rushed us out the door. Not sure if it was because he wanted Susan to himself OR he just wanted us out. I suppose that's better than being an asshole about it like he was on my birthday. But I didn't like the feeling. However, I'm willing to deal with it. I just hope things get easier. He got mad several times, but he was quick to tell me he didn't blame me. But I still think part of him does. I don't think things are going to be the same for any of us.

On the way home I stopped at McDonald's again and got more soda for Jordan and I. That's about all I can afford. I think. Though I will want to get one on Wednesday on my way to therapy. I have to remember I have therapy and make sure I go. I don't know what happened last time. But I'll tell you, it's been a sucky month. I am way overdue for a session.

Jordan went to sleep when we got home. It was later than usual for him. I got online and invited a couple of people to the writing group and they joined!! I also put up the word prompts, the story prompts and a poem. I'll probably add more, of course. I'd like to have something in every category. I'll work on that tomorrow, I think.

Anyway, I watched the new "The Closer" and then "Rizzoli & Isles." In "The Closer" Brenda Lee's mess with the law suit her lawyer saves her from signing it away and being seriouosly sued. Then a young pop star's dad is found in the hills dead and Brenda's team figures out it was murder and not an accident. On "Rizzoli & Isles" Jane's brother from jail is out and is playing chess with Maura. Jane also is trying to duck out of a sensitivity class and Maura's birth father comes back. I actually like him though he runs a mob. He doesn't kill women and children or people that don't deserve it. In fact, at the end, it was cool. This dock worker who was a real stand-up guy, he made sure his family got money. So as he said, he's one of the good guys in his world. I'm still watching "The Glades." This guy tries to escape custody with his brother's help. In the process they screw up and get trapped in the hospital taking hostages. Callie ends up as one of the hostages so that she can help save a man's life. So far, the brothers used Callie as a decoy along with a couple other hostages that were forced to pretend to act like them. Now Jim is on a manhunt for them - which is what he wanted to begin with. So he's gone off to find the money the brothers are after and the brothers, I'm sure. This is a finale so who knows what's going to happen.

Well, I think after "The Glades" is over I'm going to take my meds and try to sleep. At least I hope so. Oh, and "The Glades" had an awesome ending! I am SOOOOO glad it wasn't a cliffhanger. I HATE cliffhangers! Jim and Callie so belong together! :-)

Anxiety SUCKS!

Well, today I've been up and down a lot. Or really just anxiety from morning to night. My anxiety has been so bad that my chest has hurt for hours. I woke up at 10:00am and then I went back to sleep until around 1:30pm. It was kind of cool because "Dirty Jobs" was on. I have missed watching that. I swear though. I'm going to have a heart attack before Cassie gets home. I feel like I have to watch what I say and how I say it, which I try to do anyway, but now even more. I don't want Jason to be upset, hurt, angry or whatever. Not just because I don't want the flack, but I don't want to see him unhappy either. Same with Susan. I don't want to see them hurt and I know me taking Cassie back is hurting them a lot. But I just don't have a choice if I want to keep a place to live and have medical insurance.

I also watched "Mythbusters" and I finished reading "The Sheik and the Christmas Bride." That was such a good book! I loved it! I'm debating whether or not to go back to "Passion" or start reading "Cowboys & Aliens." I think the book is going to be better than the movie. At least I hope it is. Then my mom made a great dinner - had lamb with corn, cucumber and cheese covered zucchini. I like fried zucchini better. After that I watched some "Criminal Minds," some of "Dinosaur Revolution" and "The Glades." I posted some things on cafemom. I finally vented out a lot of my anxiety in a post in "Bipolar Diaries," and I'm actually thinking about starting another group - A Writing group. I have some ideas, but nothing firm. I'd really like to get a group going for writing. And not something to showcase my writing. But like writing exercises and poetry and maybe a few other things. Call it "Writer's Workshop" or something. Well, we'll see.

Anyway, Jason has been fine and that kind of has me more at ease, but it still worries me keep my anxiety going. You know, it would be okay if it didn't feel like my chest was going to explode.

Tomorrow is Susan's bday. She's taking Cassie to get her backpack tomorrow. After that, we might be having dinner or not. Who knows. Anyway, they want to take Cassie to school on Tuesday and I would pick her up. My mom is probably not going to be happy, but she can deal with that. After all, I can say Monday - tomorrow - is Susan's Bday. It's also Labor Day. Anyway, I think THAT will work out. At least I hope so.

Guess that's it for now. I'll be thinking about my writing group. I am really leaning toward it. :-)