My Writing Passion Returns!

Well, what can I say about today? I slept like crap last night though I took a flexeril and that seemed to help me some what. It didn't give me restless legs either, which I thought was fantastic! So I might dare to take another tonight. 

Cassie walked over here from Saturday school. I found out Susan fell down the steps from their apartment and twisted her ankle good. But she can walk on it now and she can drive, but she couldn't at the time. Cassie really didn't seem concerned which kind of bothered me. But then, she heard from me that Susie was not going to the doctor. That she was okay. And to be honest, Cassie I think has fallen down those steps and probably didn't hurt her too much. Of course, she's a kid. And also she's a teenager which means she's a bit self absorbed so she was more concerned about how she was going to get to Katie Kelly's. Eventually my mom just told me to take her, because I wasn't going to. I don't have that much gas left. But at least my mother gave me her blessing so I went ahead and took her over there. When I got home I laid back down and went back to sleep. I was tired. I woke up twice, but eventually got up around 4:30-5:00pm for dinner - Cheeseburgers and baked beans! YUM!! I wanted more burgers. But next time I want cheeseburgers on onion rolls. Now that would be delish!

While we ate Jordan and I started watching the "Underworld" trilogy. After dinner I went to my room and put it on. I was originally going to try to go back to sleep. I'm tired. But I just couldn't seem to. So then I got online. I actually went to one of my old yahoo accounts where the crap with Denise and I went down and it didn't bother me. Not that I read the emails. I wouldn't because it would upset and work me up for no good reason. But just the fact that I had no animosity going there said a lot of me. I think maybe I'm ready to start going forward again instead of backwards with my writing.

Anyway, like yesterday I've been thinking about going back to my original stories. I think it's time I go back to "Crossfire" and I think I'll edit some of "Assassin's Seduction" tomorrow. I want to start moving forward again with my writing. I need to find my voice again and go back to what I love. I think it'll bring back my passion as well. Right now my writing has reflected interest, but nothing great when my previous work was great. It needs editing, but what doesn't? I just want to get back to myself and I think this will work.

I'm not sure what started this desire to go back to my previous work except that I read a few pages from my last project that totally pulled me in. So I think that was it. I knew what I was best at. Not that I won't work on my other stories I've created. In fact, it wouldn't take much to turn them into these kinds of stories so I think that's where they'll go eventually. But right now, I think things are going to get good again.

Guess that's it. Oh, Karissa was so cute. I laid my head on her and she groomed my forehead! LOL! I love her so much! :-) In fact, she's sleeping right next to me at the moment. Sleepy cat . . . Now I think I'm done for the day.

Okay I Lied . . .

I said I wasn't going to stay up for the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Well, guess what? I couldn't help myself. I did . . . LOL! I just HAD to see the dress and I had to see the first kiss. I didn't get to sleep until 6:00am or so. But it was kinda worth it, I guess. How often do we get to see the future King's wedding? It's too bad that the crown can't passed from the Queen straight to William, but apparently it has to go to Charles first which really sucks. I have never really liked him. He's aloof and I think he seems to be a bit of a snob and to be honest I never got over the fact that he kept on with Camilla while he was with Diana. What's sad is that he wasn't even decreet about it when it came to his wife. He didn't care about her feelings. I doubt he truly cared about her at all. I am so glad William was able to fall in love. He is so much more like his mother. He's personable. He'll approach the people and is just a nice guy. The same can't be said for his father. Even Camilla went out and talked to the people waiting, but I don't think Charles did. I could be wrong though.

Anyway, I ended up sleeping until about 4:00pm. When I got up I talked to Greg who sounded drugged and he was out and about, which is bad news as far as I'm concerned. I think as long as he has the percocet I'd best stay away from him. He wants me to spend the night and stuff, but I can't use the bathroom there. I don't know. But I think he needs to get off the percocet before I start hanging out with him again. Then after that Nicole called and her and I talked for awhile. We talked about a lot of things - including Denise. And the only reason I brought her up, is I had checked out her Yahoo and it said "I'm tired of being stabbed in the back." It's just more drama for the drama queen, I'm sure. If she wasn't the way she was it wouldn't be like that. But she can't really help it, I guess. She's got bipolar disorder AND Histrionic Personality Disorder and she's not the brightest tool in the shed. But it's her family I really don't want anything to do with anymore. Plus I'm sure Denise still hates me. After all, I didn't write her book for her! She's been trying to show me up since. Go figure.

Anyway, my moim heard Nicole's voice and got all pissy with me. She wouldn't say it, but I knew damn well why she was upset. She can be such a bitch sometimes. I guess she just thought I dropped Nicole as a friend. Whatever. She can hate her all she wants, but that's never going to happen with me. Nicole has emotionally been family to me since we were teens. She was family when mine wasn't. I don't care that she divorced my brother. He deserved it! He's an alcoholic and wouldn't get help. Not to mention he was emotionally abusive. Then deny he was because he couldn't remember what he'd done the next day when he sobered up. To my mom, he can do no wrong. That it was all Nicole's fault. She expected me to drop my BEST FRIEND for a brother that I don't trust and who has never been really family to me. Who would throw me under a bus if it came to that, I think. I want to think better of him. He's actually the nice brother, but I just can't get over my distrust of him. Guess that's something I'll just have to deal with. But that ticked me off abvout my mom. However, I thought about it later and realized that my belief is an opinion not shared and so it was irrelevent to get upset over it. So it helped me let it go easier. But still, what a pain in the ass. LOL!

Then Jason called. Something was wrong with their car and they're having to pay over $300 to fix the problem. It also means they can't pay for Cassie's photos. I want them so I'll pay the money. It just means less DVD money, or for whatever. I love pix of my girl. And these ones are great!! It will be worth it to me.

Outside of that I've just worked on my schedule. I'm up to halfway through November. Soon I'll have to get another two year calendar to continue. I also watched "Death Wish IV" and "Death Wish V" and I really love the character of Paul Kersey. Of course, I love assassins and by definition Vigilantes too! LOL! Who knows, maybe I'll write a fanfic about Kersey. I'm sure I could. :-P And I've been thinking about going back to my original writing - my Tajahar stories. I was happiest when I was working on them. So though I haven't yet, I think I will go back. I have to just get back to where I was emotionally in my head and heart. I think my writing will come back. At least I hope so.

Anyway, that's it this time around. For not having been awake that long I had a lot to say! LOL!

  

Some Highlights

Well, I didn't wake up early and I didn't go to class again. It's sad because today was one of my favorite classes - WRAP group (wellness Recovery Action Plan). But I think I'll be going next week. I also got great news. My welfare to work worker called me back today. I was trying to find out about my status and sure enough my exemption went through and I am OUT of the work program. It's good because of my panic attacks. I kind of wish I were different and maybe one day I will be, but I can't see dealing with my anxiety on a daily basis again. It was just too hard on me. 

I didn't wake up until 1:00pm and to be honest I could have kept sleeping, but my mom had made something to eat - oatmeal with raisins! Yum! Then I quickly got dressed because my mom wanted to go to See's Candy to pick up a 2 lb. box for my sister for Easter. They don't have a See's candy near her or in Florida I guess. And See's candy is the BEST! Their chocolate is my favorite. My mom brought me out a couple of pieces which was such a nice treat!

After that, we went to Walmart. My mom needed to get some dish soap and stuff. Since she didn't have a lot to get, I went straight to McDonald's to get a drink, only their fountain wasn't working. They got it working in about 10 minutes so I eventually got my drink. I just drank my Diet Dr. Pepper and worked on my schedule. I wanted to make it passed Halloween. But at one point there was an elderly couple that came over and the wife asked if I minded if her husband sat with me while she went to take care of something. Of course, I didn't mind. In fact, rather than go back to my writing, I saw cat food in their cat and asked about their cats, so we talked about cats until his wife came back. It was cool. I think he appreciated someone talking to him and his wife thanked me as they were leaving. They were a nice couple. When my mom finally came over she got us a couple of McDoubles (the new and smaller double cheeseburger). 

By the time I got home I was ready to watch some TV. I put on Fox News and started on my schedule again. I got passed Halloween and into November!! But I stopped part way through to make dinner. My mom was tired. So I made ham and eggs. It was simple and good. Then I went back to Fox News where they started covering the Prince William and Kate Middleton wedding. It's cool to get into the excitement, though I don't think I'm going to stay up for the wedding. Though I am still awake right now and watching people enter Westminster Abbey. It's interesting!

Anyway, Jordan reminded me I had medication to get. Plus he wanted something to eat. We each had a dollar and decided to go to Walmart because I had gotten chocolate covered marshmallow eggs for 50 cents a carton. So we figured we'd get more. So after we picked up my meds we went up to Walmart and got the candies. We also got soda which I got with my food money. But as we went to pay for the eggs the guy told us there was no charge. I was like, huh? We'll take them free. He gave some kind of explanation that didn't make sense to me but said they were free. I think he didn't know what he was doing, but who am I to disagree?? LOL! So we walked out with four cartons of eggs. It also meant we had enough money to get a big cheese burger from Jack in the Box and split it. It was nice to have something other than sugar. 

Well, that was my day. Totally enthralling, I know! LOL! But at least there were some definite highlights.

  

Mission Accomplished

I actually got up today. I didn't want to, but I did. And my mom made me raisin toast for breakfast. I made my coffee. I also swung by Cassie's school to get an attendence form. Denise M. the attendence secretary is such a wonderful person. We've talked so often I recognize her voice on the phone most tiimes and she knows that I have a hard time getting up the steps so she brought the forms to me. After thanking her I took off toward the freeway. It didn't really seem to take me that long to get there. Then I got the new QR7, filled it out and turned it in to the special window just for people turning in paperword. There were four of us in line. Some I thought were taking forever, but they had lots of papers to put in. As for me, I was done in five minutes or less. I asked if it would be processed that day and she said it should be, which means I should get my money when I'm supposed to. Unless someone there screws up again. But we're going to stay on the positive side.

When I got back, I was just exhausted, but I got online and puttered around for awhile. I added some music to my playlist. In fact, I had to create another playlist to get more songs on. I don't know if I'll listen to that new playlist. I suppose it depends on what song I want to hear. Eventually, I was so tired, I just played the music and laid down. I don't think I feel asleep at all, but I was sure tired. It was nice to just lay there. I didn't get up until it was time for dinner. My mom made Quesadillas, salad, deviled eggs and hotdogs. Guess I was really hungry because I scarfed it down. Jordan and I watched "Stargate: SG-1" while we ate.

After that I went to my room and watched "Death Wish II" and I started watching "Death Wish III" but I didn't get far into it. Instead I was busy downloading and editing photos from the digital camera now that I figured out I can made the sideway ones upright. :-P So I went through over 1000 images. I also got twitpic attached to Twitter so now I can upload photos there if I want. I uploaded two pix so far. I can't see myself uploading a lot, but you never know. It depends on my mood. Also Nicole called and her and I talked which was a nice distraction as I was going through the photos. We talked about getting together for lunch one of these days. That would be nice, I think. We'll have to decide when and where.

Now I'm going to finish watching "Fact or Faked" and then go to sleep - after I write to my Aussie too! In fact, he wrote me last night and it was wonderful! He has no idea how much his emails mean to me! :-) Anyway, so I guess that's it for this episode of my insane life.

Didn't Want To Get Up

I was supposed to get up at 8:00am this morning so Greg to pick me up at 8:30am and we could head up to the welfare office so I could fill out my QR7. Well, I asked if he could give me until 9:00am. He said sure. Then at 9:00am I called him and I couldn't reach him. I called a couple of times and just decided that I could wait one more day. My mom said she'd give me gas money so I could take myself. She doesn't think he's reliable either. Of course, at the moment I can't really hold that against him. He's back on Percocet, but it's for the pain in his knee. He broke something. Don't remember what, but he was in a cast and he took it off like a dork. Then as if that's not enough he's gotten a cold. So he slept today. Of course, so did I. I just didn't want to get up. I think it's depression. Just being tired all the time and just not wanting to do anything. I don't know. But my writing has been stopped for awhile now again. Wish I was doing better. But I stayed in bed to 3:00pm. I could have gotten up hours before, but I just didn't want to. I just laid in bed and wanted to sleep or just stay there.

Finally I got up. My mom had made me food earlier so I ate it. It didn't matter to me if it was cold. Cold eggs and Portugese sausage is great. Then I threw on some clothes and took my mom to Albertson's to make copies of a letter she's sending to AT&T. She has told them repeatedly she doesn't want their service and they keep calling to come out and see her. I wanted to call for her, but she won't let me. :-P Guess she doesn't think I can get through politely. LOL! Whatever. I would have settled it. However, she gave me a dollar so I could get a drink at McDonald's. Then I came back and we both went back into Albertson's. I needed to get milk for us on the last bit of money I have on there. I also found onion rolls on sale for 99 cents. Can't beat that! So my mom had me get some ground beef and she made hamburgers for dinner. Having the burgers on the rolls was great. Add pickles, tomatoes and ketchup and it's perfect.

Ouside of that, I had Jordan start a load of laundry. We got that done. I actually called my birthmom for her birthday and we started talking. Unfortunately something happened on her end because we got disconnected and all I could get was a busy signal after that. I tried for about 10-15 minutes to call her back. But still, it was good to talk to her. I don't do that nearly enough. I think she liked the fact I called her for her birthday. We talked about Easter and I told her about the Egg Hunt and what we had. She told me about going to her sister's and how the family got together. I know she doesn't want to tell her boys about me. But you know, I never thought she'd tell her husband either and she did! So you never know what might happen. I just have to be more regular in contacting her. And maybe eventually get her to meet Cassie and Jordan. Or at least Cassie.  We'll see what happens.

Anyway, I've just been chilling out since dinner and laundry. I watched "Only in America" with Larry the Cable Guy. That was fun to watch. Did you know when you kill a frog it's heart will continue to beat. It's eyes will still blink even the head is severed from the body! It was a trip. And there is a town in Nebraska that has a single resident. Talk about small!! It's an interesting show! Then I also watched "Deadliest Catch." I watched the one I missed last week and the new one. Now I'm watching "Marcel's Quantum Kitchen" which is it's season finale. After that, "Destination Truth" is a repeat, but I don't mind watching it or going to sleep to it. We'll see which it will be.

So tomorrow it's early day going up to the welare office. I might actually go to Cassie's school first thing in the morning and get a copy of her attendence so that the welfare office can't tag me for not having that. I need to get my money. I will be screwed otherwise. I'm kind of glad I didn't go today though because now I can go in the morning and I have fuel to take myself because of my mom. I just hope I can get it done and over rather quickly. I hate dealing with Welfare, but when you're on it . . .  

Tired But Still Made It Through the Day

Man, I did not want to wake up this morning. It took me awhile or long for me. But that's how it's been for awhile now. I did force myself to get up though I really, really wanted to just keep sleeping. Anyway, I made it to my R.I. class. There was just three of us. The funny thing is, I managed not to worry about my stupid QR7 over the weekend, but today it started getting to me. I knew I had to call Welfare to find out what happened. It took me hours to find out. Turns out some stupid idiot didn't scan in my whole QR7 form so I'm held responsible for it. They are going to stop my benefits if I don't get up there and put in another QR7. I don't have the fuel to go, but Greg said he'd take me in the morning. God knows I need to do this. I just hope I'm not stuck in a long line.

After I made the call I laid down. I was so tired. In fact, I'm still tired. I think I might have actually nodded off for a little while, but not for long. My mom fixed dinner - Tilapia, carrots, mashed potatoes and Strawberry shortcake again. Mmmmmm! Jordan and I also started watching "Rambo: First Blood Part II" which I hadn't seen in years! I remember how much I used to LOVE that movie. I don't know how many times I went to see it at the movie theater. But I finished watching it in my room. I just couldn't keep sitting up. After that I watched half of "Death Wish" - another movie I really, really like. I would have finished it, but "Stargate: Universe" came on and I didn't want to miss it and now I'm watching "Sanctuary." I am so tired though I think I'm going to go to bed as soon as this is over, unless I go for crackers and dip befor I go to sleep. We'll see. 

Hopping Down the Bunny Trail - Happy Easter!

Well, this is Easter Sunday and it has been a pretty good day. The only bad thing is that I just couldn't wake up today and when I did I was just tired and rundown all day. But still, it was a nice day.

Cassie tried waking me up at one point. She was sitting beside me on the edge of the bed. Apparently I kicked her a couple of times in my sleep. LOL! She said I was running in my sleep. I think I was getting back at her for all the times she hit and kicked me in her sleep! LOL!

When I finally got up, my mom had me help her wash and cut up strawberries. I did a lot of them, then I went to go finish Cassie's Ramen noodles - she left me some to be nice. So Cassie went in and finished the strawberries. Before that she'd set the table for my mom! And she did all of it without complaining! It was bonding time for them, which was good because they never bond. They're usually angry with each other.

My mom had dinner already by the time Jason and Susan arrived. Then Greg showed up a little late, but he showed up and not an hour late. Just like 15 minutes late. No biggie. We all enjoyed ham, double-stuffed potatoes, pineapple rings, ranch dip with crackers and veggies and salad with avacado and tomatoes. My mom also had rolls and fresh lemonade! I ate so much I was stuffed. Of course, then I turned around and had Strawberry shortcake. Greg didn't have any, but everyone else did! It was so good! Talk about a great Easter dinner!

After dinner we got Jordan and had him hide the Easter Eggs for Cassie to find. They both still enjoy this because Jordan really likes the idea of hiding the eggs and making it difficult for his sister to find the eggs. She eventually does find them, but it's so much fun for her. I took all kinds of photos. But my favorite thing Jordan did was taking one of Cassie's eggs that were the same color as a Kumquat from the tree and put it against one that was on the ground. It really just looked like two kumquats together on the ground. She walked by it several times! It was great! LOL! Once that was done we hung out a little bit more, but Greg eventually left - after he came with me to give Karissa a little ham for Easter. She loved it, of course. So he left, then Cassie got her stuff together, gave me a hug and kiss and left with Jason and Susan.

I didn't have anything else to do and I was so tired so I ended up laying down for a bit. I think I actually napped for a few minutes. Then Jordan came in bringing my computer since he'd had it and I've been on it since. Well, that and watching "88 Minutes." It's an awesome movie. Al Pacino is still one of the best actors out there. But I think I'm going to watch "River Monsters" in a bit unless there's a new "Iron Chef America."

However, I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I have to call welfare because my told me they are cutting my benefits because I wasn't truthful about something on my QR7 and I have no idea what they're talking about. I think it's going to be about Cassie's attendence record. But that's the only thing I can think of, but either way, I'm pissed. I'm upset. I'm worried. It's been in the back of my mind, even though I've been able to be calm today, but this kind of thing ramps up at night. I just hope I sleep tonight and that tomorrow I can get everything taken care of an not worry about my money.

Anyway, I'm so tired . . . I guess we'll see what happens.

Little Bunny Hollypaw

Cassie arrived this morning before Saturday school and dropped off a shoebox and inside was a wild baby bunny. It was so cute, but I didn't look at it at that time. Cassie had to get to school. I had Karissa in my room so we took the box to Jordan's room and placed it on his dresser. She then went to school and I went back to bed. I was tired. I have been tired for awhile now. I woke up in time to go pick up Cassie. Once we got home she showed me the little baby that she called Hollypaw. I fell in love and I tried to help her get Jason to tell her she could keep the little thing, but that didn't work. However, I did know that the baby needed water, which meant we needed a dropper because it wouldn't drink out of a bowl. I don't know. Maybe it would have in time. But basically, Cassie came into possession of this little bunny because she had taken it away from Bootsie her friend Katie Kelly's cat who had caught it. We all thought the little bunny was fine. It acted fine.

After Cassie and I had Peanut Butter sandwiches, Cassie colored the Easter Eggs. I had a hard time taking any pictures because I was so tired. But I managed. Then my mother gave us some money to go to Walmart, get the battery for her blood sugar meter and to get a dropper for the bunny. Cassie decided to bring it with us and it was really calm. I thought maybe it was just getting used to being held. I think anyone would have thought the same thing. And who knows, maybe it was fine at the time. A lot of people got a kick out of seeing the bunny and I was able to get the batters and the droppers. After we bought that (and some chocolate covered flavored marshmallow eggs) we went to McDonald's and got a cup of water. The bunny drank water so I thought all was well. But when we got home, something happened. I don't know if this had anything to do with what happened with the bunny, but Jordan pushed Cassie when she was holding the bunny in the box. The box hit the wall pretty hard. The baby still seemed fine and we gave her water and tried to give her some food.

My mom then wanted me to go to Albertson's and pick up a few more things for tomorrow. She gave me her card and though I didn't have the energy I went anyway. Cassie came with me and held the bunny. She stayed in the car though. It didn't take me that long to get everything I don't think, but when I got out to the car I could see something was wrong with Hollypaw. She was really limp, like she couldn't hold her head up. Then she just kept getting loose and limp. By the time we got home, I was pretty sure the little thing was going to die. When it stopped breathing Cassie even tried CPR. We then laid the baby in the grass in the backyard. If nothing else at least she was outside for the last of it. 

Cassie then dug a grave. It was really sad. I almost cried. She said a little prayer after she had Hollypaw settled and covered. She put rocks around the grave and a headstone. She was such a good little bunny for the short period of time we had her. I just wish I knew if she died of internal injuries from Bootsie or if hitting the wall inside the box did the damage. I guess in the end it doesn't matter since the baby is still dead. It can't be undone. But if it were Jordan's fault I'd be pissed with him and his piss-poor attitude. After all, he was the one that pushed her and the box into the wall and not lightly.

After that we had dinner - French Bread Pizza. It was good. I ended up having three pieces which is more than I usually have. I'm actually still kind of hungry. Of course, I ate hours ago. After eating only one of hers, Cassie went to go play with the computer. I stayed out there for awhile finishing my water and watching a part of "Tombstone" which is an awesome movie. I was so tired then though so I went to my room. I had to make room on the bed for me. LOL! But I did. I half watched "Tombstone" and half watched what she was doing online. Then after that I started watching "Jurassic Park." Eventually Cassie gave up the computer and is now going to bed. I feel bad for her though. Not just for losing the bunny but because she's sick. She has a sore throat and is coughing. I wish she felt better. :-(

Anyway, I got a Happy Easter from my Aussie. It sucks that I didn't get an email, but you know it being a holiday and his family it was nice he got to send anything! Now I think I'm going to take my night meds and head to bed. I hate being so tired, but I suppose at the moment it's a good thing. It's just been a day with some low points. Some good points too, but definitely a low point or two. But tomorrow is Easter and I'm going to try to think of it as a good day. Jason and Susan are coming over for dinner. I need to find out if Greg is coming over. Guess we'll see. Anyway, time for bed. 

Better But Not Great

Well, today was a fail for getting Cassie to school. I was so exhausted - just emotionally drained - that I just didn't have the energy to argue with her. I just turned around and headed back to bed. I just couldn't fight her. Then I feel back into a deep sleep for another hour. But I must have been having a very anxiety provoking dream because everytime I tried to think about what I had been dreaming I would feel like I got gut-kicked.

Now I did get up and I did make it to class today, but just barely. I had such a hard time waking up and all I really wanted to do was go back to sleep. I took a 5-hour energy to help, but it didn't help immediately. I got my coffee and headed out with very little time to spare. I felt like crap though. But once I got to class I felt better. Class was good, but by the time I left (with a plate of Starbuck Pastries) I was having problems with my stomach. It was definitely an anxiety thing and it didn't go away either.

When I got home I picked up my mother and took her to Trader Joe's. She needed to get her special maple syrup. She also got eggs and I got orange sparkling mineral water. It didn't taste great, but it helped ease my stomach a little. Then after that we went to Walmart. I picked up a little bit more Easter candy. My mom needed to pick up other things, but she was nice enough to buy me a "Woman's World" magazine and even got me a spring green nightgown. We also grabbed lunch at McDonald's. Just McDoubles, but they were good. The sick feeling came back to me though.

Then when we got home I had Jordan grab the stuff out of the back of the car. Cassie was strumming her guitar, but then she came in to me and the computer. I let her stay on the computer. She was coming up with a Warriors cat character lists for some story she's writing with someone. She created The Death Clan and Blood Clan. Then Lauren called her. All her friends were over there and so Cassie wanted to go. I told her she could go and that she should probably spend the night with Jason and Susan. Jason asked me if it was okay, because he didn't want to cause any more trouble. I told him it was my idea. So Cassie got some of her things together and I hand-wrote out all the names she'd come up with for her clans and that of her friend's clans. Then as soon as they arrived she was out the door. I think my depression increased a bit by that. Then Jason had to call and mildly interrogate me about her going to school - which if he hadn't gotten me all emotionally fucked up, I probably could have gotten her to school today. That tweaked me out a bit. Felt a little angry and then just tired. I am still just so drained. I did put on my new nightgown. It was a little shorter than I like, but I rooted around in my corner and not only did I straighten up a couple of things, but I found an old pair of underwear. Now I feel much better about wearing the nightgown which is good because I really, really like it.

Anyway, my mom made fried chicken for dinner with beans and green beans. It was really good! Not that I doubt it at all. My mother is a fantastic cook! Everything she makes is yummy. But I was still so emotionally sick with anxiety I ended up taking an ativan. I swear I am not going to have enough to make it through the month. I have really gone through a lot so far. Just the other night I had to take a total of four just to calm down and get some sleep. I might end up having to go to the ER at some point to get more. But that's at least a week or so away.

Karissa is so weird too. She LOVES to mess with the grocery bags in my corner. I don't know if she just loves the sound it makes when she bats at it or what, but it can be maddening when she goes over there and pulls out bags I have just put back. LOL! Right now she's laying down beside me and being her precious self, but later she'll knock over her treats container and will start messing with the plastic bags. I love my little twit. :-P

Now, my day is done. I am watching "Sanctuary" and before that I was watching "Criminal Minds." That's actually a really good show and when they show a bunch at once I do like to watch them. As long as it doesn't conflict with something else I want to watch. But now, I think I'm going to finish watching "Sanctuary" and then take my meds and go to sleep. I hope I get to sleep. I feel like I could so I am going to take that as a good sign.    

The Fire is Dying Down Now

Well, I finally got my chance to be heard by Jason. First I talked to Susan and she had me on speaker, which was fine with me. I let loose about how I was attacked. Than he had been out to destroy me yesterday. That emotionally I wasn't sure I could ever trust him again. He got upset with me but didn't start. But he texted me and I texted him that what I wanted was for him to admit that he'd hurt me on purpose and that he was genuinely sorry. It went back and forth, but eventually I think I got it all out of me because I feel a lot lighter and I'm not as angry. I guess I just needed the pain he'd caused acknowledged and that he was honestly, truly sorry. I guess I got my grovelling after all.

I'm just glad to be rid of so much anger. Thank god . . .

Emotional Abuser Still At Large

Well,  I didn't make it to class this morning. In fact, after I got Cassie to school I came back home and went back to sleep. I am just so depressed. I didn't want to wake up and face the day. But eventually I did wake up - after Greg picked up Cassie from school - it was a halfday and I was supposed to  be at class. He also brought her over the electric guitar. It's black and she loves it. He just needs to teach her some cords.

I really didn't want to get up today. I really didn't. I wanted to curl up and just stay in bed and hide from the world. I am still so upset and hurt. Jason has tried calling me at least once today. He texted me as if nothing were wrong - "Guess what?" like I would remotely give a crap about whatever it is. He emotionally abused me. He had the nerve to say it was a self-defense mechanism!! If your defense mechanism is to abuse people just because you're having a really bad day then you have some major issues and shouldn't be around people. Especially if you supposedly love them. But what I really think it comes down to is that he is jealous of ANYONE that has a spot in Cassie's life - including me!! Because she may want to come home and stay. I think that's what the real issue was. So he decided that he was going to try to destroy me emotionally. He can call it whatever he fucking wants, but it was emotional abuse and he did it to hurt me as much as he could. So just why should I forgive his ass? In fact, I don't think he's really sorry. I think he does look down at me and I don't need people like him in my life. Cassie does want to go back so I'll have to figure out how to work around this, but I can't see just forgiving him. And as much as I would be aggravated with him texting me sorry all day, I honestly think he should be doing just that. I think he should fucking grovel and BEG for forgiveness from what he did to me. I didn't do ANYTHING to him. I didn't SAY anything to him to warrant ANY of it.

And he just proved my point about not being sorry. He posted on Facebook and basically it showed he has no regret. And I couldn't help myself. I fired off an angry letter. Usually I wouldn't but I am still so angry and for him to just be an asshole after yesterday was just too much for me to take. Anyway, I finally talked to Nicole to help get it off my chest AND I wrote an angry letter to him on Facebook. But I handled it privately. Still I will probably catch hell for it. But I felt a hell of a lot better after having written it.

He's still starting shit but he's doing it to Cassie now because I won't talk to him. Guess he has to have someone to abuse. I don't know what went up his fucking ass, but I am very, very tired of it.

Anyway, when I got up I managed to take my mom to Albertson's. She got stamps. I got a money order for my car insurance. Then we went to the post office and mailed stuff out and then went shopping at Vons. My mom also picked up our prescriptions at CVS.

I really hate Jason right now. I hate what he's doing. I hate how he is when he's like this. I think I'm going to just go to sleep early after I get Cassie settled down - if I can. He needs to apologize to her. Whether or not he meant it would be another matter. But his ass should be grovelling. That's what I think. Period.

Anyway, I have nothing else to say. I'm just going to close this up until the next fiasco. Which something tells me won't be that long.

Some Days Just Aren't Worth It

You know, the day started pretty well. I got up even though I didn't want to. I had a hard time getting to sleep so I was really tired, but since I'd already used a 5-hour energy yesterday I didn't want to use one today. I have to stagger them or they just don't work as effectively. So I got up, got dressed, took my morning medication, got my coffee and got ready to go. Before I left my mother was nice enough to give me $20 for fuel. I can't believe how expensive it's getting. I don't know what's going to happen when I can't afford fuel. That's going to be a very bad day. Anyway, I stopped to get fuel on the way to my Heartland classes. Today was Coping Skills followed by CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I always participate and I got to share something that had happened to me the other night. I don't know what triggered it, other than a bad few days, but my mind started telling me how horrible I was and it wouldn't stop - You're ugly. You're fat. You're a failure. You're a bad mother . . . I had to create positive statements to counter those - I am a good person. I am a loving mother. I am a good parent. I am beautiful inside . . . I didn't feel a whole lot better after doing it, but at least it got out of me, if that makes sense. I felt better in that way - less pressure in my chest.

After class I returned home and Cassie was leaving. I told her I loved her. Gave her a hug and kiss and then she left. Then I remembered Food for Cash. I needed the money for my insurance. I have to get the money order tomorrow and get it out in the mail and pray it gets there on time. But anyway I asked Susan if she could do it. She said yes. Then the next thing I know Jason is starting to have a fit. Cassie said she wanted to come back over. I was like okay. Then everything blew up. Jason started being an asshole and DELIBERATELY hurt me over and over today. And I know what his malfunction is. Cassie wasn't to come to me so he feels threatened. He wants to control her, but you know what? I'm her mother and I have final say! Put he kept putting me down. I tried to explain he was upsetting me to the point I had to take an ativan and made a comment about me turning to drugs really outright mean. At that point Cassie called him and told him off for insinuating that I was a drug abuser and for him talking to me like that period. I kept telling him to leave me alone. He wouldn't. At one point I must have said something like I was tired or I have really been worn down or whatever and he texts me back "Poor, poor me." It's his way of telling me I'm playing a victim - like he doesn't. So I wrote him back and said "Fuck, fuck you, asshole." Then he threated to take the phone away and just kept trying to destroy me emotionally. I didn't do ANYTHING to warrant even one BIT of THIS! I wanted to cry. I wanted to cut on myself. I wanted to slash my wrists - not to kill myself. I just don't cope with overwhelming emotional pain well. But I haven't given in yet. I'm hanging tight or trying. He's not worth it. But it's not really about him. It's about how I'm feeling. However, now it's the "I'm sorry," phase where he is going to apologize. He said "It was just a bad day and I lashed out. I'm sorry." Guess what? I don't care what kind of fucking day he had. I am tired of his shit. I am still so upset that he needs to leave me alone for a long time. I'm thinking at least a week - even if and when Cassie goes back. I am tired of him pulling shit like this and then him just thinking because he says sorry that it makes it okay. This time I KNOW I didn't do shit and he emotionally battered me for hours. I didn't deserve that. I don't give a shit what was going on with him. Right now, I HATE him and I don't say that lightly. I don't think I will ever emotionally trust him again. I  may never want to text him again or anything. I loved him like a brother, but I don't think I can just get over this. He's done it once too often and so I am DONE! He'll get angry because I won't forgive him, but oh well. Then he shouldn't have acted like an asshole just because he was having a "Really bad day." Asshole. Fucker. Emotional Abuser . . .

It was probably a good thing I had my therapy session today. At least I didn't have a lack of subject matter. Not that I ever really do, but still. I guess it was good to talk a lot of it out, but there isn't forgiveness in my heart yet and there may not be. But my therapist listened and acknowledged that Jason has come up a lot more in recent months as a problem for me in one way or another and usually his FUCKING ATTITUDE! I am so tired of it and of him. I don't think I'll talk to him. I'll talk to Susan, but I won't talk to him and if he calls on Susan's phone I think I'll just hang up on him. I don't want to talk to him after what he did. And I don't think I should have to.

Anyway, while I was gone Greg took Cassie to Guitar Center and bought himself a brand new guitar. An awesome one apparently. He bought what he needed for Cassie's acoustic guitar. Then he called and said he was going to get rid of a lot of his guitars and it turns out Cassie might get one if she pulls weeds for him from the hill. But she HAS to take care of them. He's going to teach her to play. She's already thinking about what songs she wants to learn. I think it's cool. I want her to play an instrument. Violin didn't suit her.

I also took my mom to get her nails done. I took Cassie to Gamestop to turn in some of her old games. She got something like $46 in store credit so she bought two games for her DS that she'd been wanting and she still has about $7 left. I think that's cool too.

After we got home from therapy my mother had spaghetti for us with sausage links. It was yummy. Cassie cleared and wiped down the table. Jordan did dishes - I think. Cassie and I also ended up going to the store to get milk, cereal and then soda. Jordan gave me $4 to get Dad's Cream Soda. I ended up getting one for him. One for his friend George. One for Cassie and one for me! It was 4 for $5. It worked. And then I found out I still have $16 left on my food card so I can get Easter stuff for the kids!! Yeah! Cassie wants fruit which I think is AWESOME!! So that's something I'll have to do this week - shop for Easter.

Anyway, I am still hurt. I'm still upset. Jason tried to call me twice and I didn't pick up, of course. He'll get the hint eventually if he hasn't figured it out yet. But now I'm going to finish watching "Ghost Hunters" which I believe is the mid season finale. Then if I'm still alive I'll take my night meds with an extra ativan or two and watch "Fact or Faked," but we'll see. Either way, I got to set the alarm. If I sleep I just hope tomorrow is a better day.

When You Least Expect It . . .

Well, I got up this morning and I so didn't want to. But I got up, took a 5-hour energy, got my coffee, got dressed and went out the door to get to class. The class was anger and stress management. We all talked and started working on the worksheet, but we ran out of time before I could share. No biggie. Virginia said that the conversation would kind of continue into the next class. But guess what?? I missed a call from Cassie's school and then I got a call from Jason. I call him back to find out Cassie's in the school office. Her lower abdomen on her right side is hurting. Her PE teacher had expressed come concern that it might be appedicitis! So needless to say, I said good-bye to the next class. Cassie takes presidence. So I pick Cass up from school and we head up to Grossmont Hospital. We got there before the place started getting busy and as soon as she went in to Triage, they already had a bed for her. Of course, it had to be in "D" ward which is a pain in the ass to walk to. But we did. We got her settled in and then they started the tests and talk to the doctor. They took urine and blood. They put in an IV and gave her some medication - Tordal, Pepcid and something else that was an anti-nausea medication that I can't remember the name of. They also did a CT-Scan of her. What was really, really sad was the woman next to us miscarried. Cassie and I felt so bad for her. She was 2 1/2 months pregnant. That is something I am thankful I never had to go through. I think it would have devistated me beyond belief. And Cassie was like "I don't know her, but I wish I could go over there and give her a hug." How sweet is that? Cassie has such a wonderful heart.

Then she was so hungry when we finally got out of there. Another good sign that she was fine!! She had some food that was from lunch. She couldn't eat much of it, but she had Hawaiian sweet rolls and she knew I was hungry too and she gave me a bite! She didn't have to. She is just such a sweet kid.

Then as if it wasn't bad enough we were at the ER, Susan had to be seen too. She had a huge abcessed tooth. It was so swollen that it was going down her neck!! But she got there later than we did so she had to wait longer. When she did get back to a room, we were just down the corridor from each other. Jason came back and forth several times. It took a long time, but they FINALLY gave Susan some Tordal and IV antibiotics. They also prescribed more antibiotics and Vicodin for her. She was still there when we left so we stopped by to say goodbye. Cassie gave her a hug and kiss. At least Susan wasn't in pain at that point. Anyway, it was decided that Cassie would spend the night with me tonight and when Susan felt better tomorrow she'd come get Cassie. And Cassie doesn't even have to go to school. We got her a doctor's note.  

Anyway, we came home, ate dinner and then both of us came into the bedroom. I was tired and she wanted on the computer, so I let her have the computer for about two hours while I kinda watched re-runs of "Destination Truth." She worked on her Gaia profile. She has all kinds of pix of wolves and she was rearranging them. Since I'm so tired, I decided to opt for watching the new "Destination Truth" at 9:00pm instead of "Deadliest Catch" but I can watch that episode next week at 8:00pm. I had planned to be laying my head down by now, but that's okay. I'll be asleep soon enough, I think. I also watched "Marcel's Quantum Kitchen" and that man is a genius! I want to try most of the stuff he comes up with! LOL! And it looks so good! Tonight the apple ribs sounded delicious and so did the carrot cake. Than man can cook with his team!

Well, I guess that's it. I have loved being with Cassie though my butt is rather sore. Those chairs suck. But I love having her here even if it's just a little bit. AND I don't have to worry about waking up for school. But I still have school tomorrow. LOL! However I like my school and classes! :-)

I ended up sleeping like crap last night even though I was tired. I'm hoping I sleep tonight. I'm going to cross my fingers or take 2 ativan! LOL! Goodnight!

Not So Bad a Day . . .

Today wasn't so bad. I got to sleep until about 10:00am before I got up. I then took a shower and I seriously needed one. I also got dressed, got my coffee and I took off to Heartland for the only Class they had today - RI Discovery. It helps to retrain your brain on how we think things through. I actually was able to give an example - when Jason acted like a putz when I was at Greg's and though I was upset I didn't let it turn into a texting war (that term got a few laughs). All the tools were a good thing like "Calm Begets Calm, Temper begets temper," or "Feelings are not facts" and "Be Self-led, not symptom-led." After class David said he might be able to take Kim and I to the RI-Discovery group on Rosecrans on Friday. We'll see though. David and I exchanged phone numbers. Kim has my phone number, but I don't have hers yet. Maybe I'll ask her for it tomorrow. My depression eased up a bit as the class went on.

When I got home I ate a steak sandwich. Jordan must not have had his steak or George didn't eat his. Either way, it became my lunch. LOL! I then got online and checked my Facebook and stuff. What was really great was that I got to watch "Burn Notice: The Fall of Sam Axe" which I'd missed on Sunday. After that, I got to watch the one episode of "Fairly Legal" I'd missed. Then I got to watch the most recent "Hawaii 5-0" - interrupted half way through with some fish and salad. But had I known what was going to come, I wouldn't have bothered eating.

Greg called me and invited me out to dinner! And not just any dinner - Pinnacle Peak!! One of the best Steak Places ever!! But instead of steak I got ribs - full rack! I only got through half because I wanted dessert. And Greg also got me a couple of drinks - Long Island Iced Tea and a Mai Tai. And I felt it after just two drinks and that was after eating bread too! The thing is, I kissed Greg and I enjoyed it. I don't remember the last time I enjoyed a kiss. And I told him I might spend the night with him tomorrow night. I don't know. I feel anxiety now, but we'll see. I meant it when I said it.

Anyway, I got home in enough time to watch the second half of "Stargate: Universe." I missed "Chuck" but it was definitely worth it and I can watch it at NBC.com at some point. But I told Greg that tonight was the first night I didn't feel worried about something. At least I didn't while I was out. I'm having anxiety now, but we'll see what happens.

I still haven't heard from My Aussie yet. I hope he's okay. I should write him an email, but I don't know if I feel up to it. I definitely want to get to sleep. I'm tired now and maybe now that I had those two drinks it'll help me sleep easier. At least I can hope to. :-)

Two Days and Life Still Sucks

Can't believe I skipped writing in here last night, but I wasn't home. I spent the night at Greg's house. I didn't feel like connecting up to the internet while I was there. He doesn't have a wireless router so I'd have to plug into an ethernet. But that's okay. I can say that over the last two days I have struggled with depression.

Cassie and her friend Katie spent Friday night here. Saturday morning Cassie was supposed to get up but she wouldn't. She just argued with me and we yelled at each other for about 20 minutes. Finally Susan decided that Cassie could miss this Saturday. I was pretty upset. I felt like I had no authority over her anymore. She told me to leave her alone and I was so upset and hurt I told her to leave me alone too. I went back to my room and went to sleep. By the time I got up and went out to the kitchen she came to me, giving me a hug and telling me she was sorry and that she loved me. I still wasn't feeling so great. Then Greg called and wanted to know if we wanted to come over and spend the night. I wasn't sure I was going to spend the night, but I did plan for it. It was nice. I finally  got to meet Skippy his doggie. He's so cute and the girls LOVED playing with him. Together all three of them also gave him a bath outside. LOL! That was funny. Then we went to watch "Get Smart" the movie and the TV in the living room took a dump. So Greg set up the DVD player in the extra room where I slept. Got it hooked up to the TV. Then the girls didn't want to watch it so they went out to the living room - after moving the futons out there and I guess they spent time reading. I however took my night meds and went to sleep after I finished watching the movie. I just replayed it to help me sleep.

I was actually having some anxiety because we were there. It probably wasn't the smartest thing. But in the morning the girls got something to eat and played more with Skippy. I told Jason where we were and he flipped out. He got over it, but I was upset for awhile. Eventually I told the girls we had to leave so they had to put the futons away. I then took Katie Kelly to her Grandma's and my timing was perfect. Her father was there to pick up her and her sister. So we said good-bye and then I headed off to take Cassie back to Jason and Susan. They were going to go pick up Katie Belle and take the girls to Sea World. By the time I got over there he was fine. Reassured me he wasn't upset. I teased him a little about his jealousy streak. After that I just came home. I haven't done much of anything except watch Food Network most of the day. Now I'm watching "River Monsters" and then I'm going to watch the new "Iron Chef America."

I just feel down still. I started taking the extra paxil, but I haven't felt much of a difference. But maybe this isn't PMS. Maybe this is a cycle starting. But I don't want to think that's the case.

I also haven't heard from my Aussie. I usually don't over the weekend, but I kinda hoped I would. I might still hear from him. I just could really use a email from him to brighten my day a little.

I think Karissa missed me. When I first got home all she did was meow at me. Then she laid down beside me in front of the window. She's been there most of the day. In fact, I was laying down most of the day once I got home. I would have napped, but I don't think I completely went to sleep at any point. Hope I sleep tonight. I think I will. I'm tired, but then again, I'm always tired lately. The good news is that I don't have to wake up early. My only class tomorrow is at 11:00am. I thought about not going at all, but I need to go.

I just wish I didn't feel so depressed!! It sucks!! But for now, I think I'm going to close this up and chill out.

Some Days Just Suck

I woke up early to get Jordan ready for the ticket buy he was going on with Susan. I got Cassie and let her go back to sleep for another hour - I did too. Then I found out that she didn't have shoes for PE. So I told her she could miss her first two periods and then she had to go to school. I had to take off to go to classes at Heartland. Today's classes were Cognitive Therapy Self Care. We worked on a work sheet on the different kinds of wellness - physical, social, spiritual . . . Then the next one was Dual Recovery and it was kind of like Group Therapy except that you talk about the issues you have around your addiction. Mine, of course, is food. I think maybe if I had support I might actually be able to get beyond it. But I don't know. All I know is that I have been feeling down all day. It's just gotten worse and worse. 

By the time I got home from classes I ate a chicken leg and a sausage link. Then I got online for awhile but I was so tired. I so just wanted to go to sleep. But I went and picked up Cassie. Then we went to pick up Katie Kelly from her grandma's. Katie really smelled of BO. I don't just say that and it has to be bad for me to smell it. Anyway, as soon as we got home I had Katie take a shower and change clothes. That worked. Then my mom wanted to go make copies of something and I wanted to get tortillas so we went to Albertson's. I also picked up cookies on sale which I probably shouldn't have done, but did and also got black olive slices and a bottle of water. My mom also gave me money to get a "Woman's World" magazine. 

Making dinner wasn't easy. I have been so tired and achy to boot. My mom cooked stuff. I made the burritos and Cassie and Katie Kelly fried the burritos. I just had no energy. And then Cassie got upset because she feels Jason and Susan talk about me behind my back and I'm sure they do. But it still hurt to hear about it. I thought about saying something to them, but I don't want them getting upset with Cassie so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. But I'm sure that's adding to my depression. I even had a desire to cut on my arm for about an hour, but I think I'm passed that now. It's been awhile since I've felt that and I wanted to give in. The only reason I didn't was because I don't want to fall into that trap. It's a crappy coping skill. I had to admit I really, really wanted to cut though. I guess that feeling is still with me, but not as strong as it was earlier.

I did write My Aussie tonight and I did get an email from him this morning, I believe. I love hearing from him. Wish I could hear from him right now because it would make me feel a little better. What would be even better is getting a hug from him. He's like a big teddy bear and he's such a sweet, caring person. If I close my eyes and concentrate I can feel him hold me. But it's hard to concentrate. I HATE feeling like this. I did take an extra paxil this morning, so that could be making me more tired than usual too. But I was this tired yesterday and I didn't take the extra paxil then. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm watching the season opener of "Sanctuary" at the moment and then I think I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep. I just wish I wasn't feeling depressed. Maybe tomorrow will be better. But today kinda sucked.

  

Short But Sweet

I am way too tired to write very much today. I got up early. I didn't want to, but I got up, got dressed - my mom gave me an apple strudel and then half of hers for breakfast. I also took my morning meds, got my coffee and headed out the door. I'm glad I didn't miss class because the first class was WRAP (wellness Recovery Action Planning). We talked about how to respond to triggers and we made lists of what we could do - like write in journal, meditate, deep breathing . . .

Second class was Process Group or a fancy way of saying Group Therapy. I wasn't sure I was going to share, but I decided to share about Cassie. I just felt down a little and I talked about how I let Cassie stay with her godparents and that she has her own room now and I guess I wish I could have been the one to give that to her. But they told me several times over that I was a good mom because I wanted what was best for my daughter. I know that's the case, but I guess I can't hear it enough.

After that, I came home. Ate a chicken sandwich, put on Fox News and crashed out. I slept for awhile until I had to get up and take my mom to pick up her medication. She was completely out so it was totally necessary. Then we came back. I got online and puttered around until dinner - which was chicken sandwiches, salad, asparagas and strawberries. Now I've written an email to my Aussie. I've written here and now I'm ready to take night meds and maybe go to sleep earlier than usual. It might help me for tomorrow. I definitely need more sleep.

An Easy-Going Day

Okay, another long day. It's been a decent day except for some pain. And boy am I TiRED!! I woke up this morning about 8:20am. Maybe a little later than that. And I did not want to get up. But I forced myself up. I got dressed, grabbed my coffee and headed out the door. I got to class in time for the first class - Coping Skills. We talked about hope. Having hope. Feeling hopeless, but mostly about being hopeful. Then the second class was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. We did a thought chart or whatever it's called. There were three of us in the group and Virginia used Kevin's and the other girl's examples. I wish I could remember her name but my mind has gone blank. Anyway, I was told mine would be first next week. Is that a good thing?? LOL! 

Anyway, after class Virginia had me come to paperwork. We talked too. It was a nice time. I enjoy Virginia's company. She's got such a sunny personality that it makes me feel good being around her. And I've come to the decision that even after the Welfare to Work crap is taken care of, that I want to keep going to classes at least two days a week. 

My mom called just as I was finishing up and she told me she wondered if I could take her to Costco. I really, honestly didn't feel up to it, but I said yes, of course. In fact, my mom was so sweet. She put $25 of fuel in my tank. But walking around the store killed my back. I was in such pain that once I got everything up at the register that I told him to get her some help and that I was going out to the car. My back just couldn't take it anymore. And Jason contacted me to see if I was still coming over to see Cassie's room and stay for dinner. At first I wasn't going to and then I just decided I would. I really, really wanted to see Cassie's room. My back still hurt so I took some tylenol - after taking the naproxen I couldn't take advil. It eased it only a little bit but when I got over there Cassie showed me her room and it is totally awesome!! Black walls. New carpet on the floor. Her bed is in there her lamp, side table, octagon table, TV . . . Her room is just so cool. I didn't do much while there except kick back and watch "The Abyss" as Jason puttered around. Susan and Cassie went to pick up Katie and Lauren and go get their nails done. When the girls got back they all went into Cassie's room and started giggling like girls do. And Susan made killer Spaghetti with marinara sauce and texas toast. OMG! That toast was so good!! I could have eaten a loaf of it all by myself! LOL! 

Anyway, Cassie's neck began hurting and I encouraged her to take a bath - well we all did and eventually I decided it was time to go home. I kissed her goodbye and said good-bye to Jason, Susan and the cats. My back wasn't hurting as bad as it had, but it was still sore - even now it is.

My mom was thrilled though. She got the rugs cleaned today. But she needed Jordan's help and the butthead was ignoring her until she called him a few names. She was just so frustrated so I completely understand. I guess he eventually helped her . . . What a putz. Ugh!

Well, nothing else is going on. I'm probably going to help myself to a Cadbury Egg, finish watching "Ghost Hunters" and then "Fact or Faked" and then going to sleep. I am very tired and am even wondering if I will watch all of "Fact or Faked." Probably because I'll get interested, but I am exhausted. 

I haven't heard from my Aussie yet today either. But he can't write everyday unlike me. :-P I can't wait to hear from him though. I'll be dreaming about it anyway. 

My Aussie and Other Good Things . . .

I am so happy! I heard from My Aussie!! ;-D I wasn't sure I was going to hear from him today, but sure enough, I checked this last time and I had an email! And not only was it an email, but it was a good sized one! Which makes me even happier. He feels closer to me when I tell him about my day and I feel closer to him when I share with him so it works out so well. I just love him and feel so special. He makes me feel good about who I am and that says a lot. Just wish I could just lay on the bed with him and let him hold me. That's what I think about most. Just how comforted I feel just thinking of him holding me. That's always been part of it since the first time we started talking to each other. Our interest was more than sexual fun (in the written word, that is). It was more than just flirtation. We grew close. Friends. More than friends. I remember he told me that he'd never leave his wife and my response - a completely honest one from me - I'd never ask you too. I think that really just made him realize that I was there for him. That I would never press things. And I would NEVER ask anyone to leave their family for me. Plus he is on the otherside of the world! But even if he were next door, I would be the same way. I would never try to force someone to leave their family. That's just not right to do. 

Anyway, other than that, I tried getting up early this morning and I just couldn't. Last night I was tired, but I couldn't sleep. I made the mistake of taking some nyquil, but then I called the pharmacy and found out my ativan was in. I had Jordan go with me to pick them up. But the damage to my legs was already done. All night my legs twitched and kept me awake for the most part even after the two ativan I took. Tonight I might take two as well, but no nyquil. I was so tired I took a nap this afternoon so I'm thinking maybe sleep won't be so hard to get to tonight. I just have this annoying habit of my mind kicking in as soon as I lay down. Fun, huh? 

I missed my first class, but I was too tired to get up. But I did make it to the second class - Dialetic Behavioral Therapy. We get to learn different words to represent different basic emotions. Like we covered Joy. There were a lot of good words to express different levels of joy. After all, you can't get a handle of my emotions if you can't recognize them. It was probably the largest class I've seen since being back there. I had to admit I like the smaller sized groups, but that's okay. I can deal with larger groups too. It's just not my preference. I was getting spoiled with the little groups though. LOL! They had also brought in Starbuck's day old pasteries and I had to admit I grabbed a bunch before I left. That ended up being my lunch.

Coming home, I'd checked my email and some things online, but I was so tired that I ended up napping on and off. I didn't actually wake up until around 5:00pm I guess. I woke up about every hour or so. But even now I feel tired. But it was Jason that finally woke me up. Cassie is now in her bedroom! They movied her bed, the lamp, the dresser, the table she wanted and they have her TV in there too all hooked up. It's awesome for her. She's really just needed to own space I think. I'm going over there tomorrow to see the room. I can't wait to see it. 

Anyway, my mom didn't feel like making dinner. I didn't feel like it either - no energy still being tired. But my mom gave me money to pick up some burgers and a soda for me. She wanted me to pick up some hotdogs on sale at the store too, but they weren't on sale anymore. But I did end up getting cheese slices that were on sale and a bottle of water. I drank some of it, but the rest is just sitting in the car. I didn't want my mom to know I bought it. It was with my food money, but she'd say it was stupid. But the water tastes so much better than tap or the filtered fridge water. 

After dinner I haven't done much of anything. I just watched some older episodes of "Destination Truth." I'm watching the new episode at 11:00pm because "Deadliest Catch" has Premiered tonight. The first season without Phil Harris. I miss him. He was a very real person. But I also didn't know that it was going to be two hours!! So I'm also missing "Marcel's Quantum Kitchen" but if I don't go to sleep right away after "Destination Truth" I can watch it because it'll show after it. I love the fact that SyFy reairs their 9:00pm and 10:00pm shows right after their first play through.

Anyway, I am hoping I'm gonna sleep tonight and that I don't have a problem getting up in the morning. See, coffee has so effect on me. I had my huge cup of iced coffee this morning like I do most mornings and that afternoon I'm napping. LOL! Go figure.

Now I'm going to go write an email to my Aussie and finish watching my shows. Sounds like a good night to me!

What a Day, What a Day . . .

Today has been a long day and I am exhausted. I woke up at 8:05am and I did not want to wake up. I think I set the alarm for another twenty minutes, but it certainly didn't help much. The 5-hour energy perked me up along with the coffee. I then went down to take the classes at Heartland Center only to find out that there's only one class and it wasn't until 11:00am, so I ended up going home for about an hour and a half. I couldn't really afford the fuel, but I didn't want to hang around the club house.  Not that it would have been a big deal, but I don't know. I just didn't want to.

Anyway, I returned to the class and it was really good. I enjoyed it and I think I got a lot out of it. When I left I stopped by Trader Joe's. I grabbed some treats - Baklava, Orange Sticks, some cookies . . . I went a little nuts, I guess. Then I also got a ceaser chicken wrap. That became my lunch and oh was it good!! After that, I stopped by Walmart. I finally got the three bags of chicken thighs. It was the last thing on my mother's shopping list than I needed to get done. I also picked up a couple of goodies there. Yeah, I am going a little too crazy, I guess.

When I got home, I got online and began chatting with Patty B and also I was editing "The Black Cat" as much as I have written anyway. I know how to use the flash drive now. Now I may be able to continue the story. Then Patty B and I started a new story and it's a good one!! The last one just fizzled. It happens. Usually not often to Patty and I, but it can. And the last one didn't really interest either of us. This one has taken a cool direction and it started from a usual place I've started before - my character on the edge of her ending her life and gets saved from herself. It also turned out that the man that saved her was her teenage love of her life. Father of the baby she thought had been stillborn (Or so she'd been told) but was alive and well 10 years later. Then she's in a position to marry the man she loves for the sake of her son and his adopted daughter and he dies or so they think. When he's actually gone undercover to get proof of her brothers' wrong doing. They also heard that she's alive and they want her dead. So I think it's pretty interesting. We both look forward to writing more tomorrow.

I also got an email from My Aussie. It was really, really short, but at least I heard from him and that makes me smile. I just hope next time the note can be a little longer. But I do love sharing my day with him. It makes me feel closer to him and apparently hearing about my day makes him feel closer to me so it works out! :-D

Then I got steak for dinner tonight!! YUMMY! I bought so much steak that I think we have enough left to make another 3 meals. Maybe more. But I'm glad they had a sale. My mom cooked the steak with mashed potatoes, peas and salad. I think I'll have strawberries or oranges in a little bit.

Cassie came over for a little bit. She tried to vacuum for grandma but the vacuum is apparently busted. Grandma gave her $10 for trying. Then Jason hits me up with something about Cassie. The good news is they are done painting Cassie's bedroom. The bad is that Jason saw something on Cassie's phone that he shouldn't have - her telling someone to lick a certain part of her anatomy. She's only 13 years old so I need to speak to her about it in some around about way. I mean, she could have just been talking, but you never know. She knows more about sex than most girls her age and because of what happened to her back when she was 7 years old (that had gone on since she was 4) I knew she'd have a higher chance of becoming promiscuous or totally backing off of boys. Well, she doesn't back off of boys . . . but she also rough-houses with them. She's a tomboy! So I don't know. Her and her friends are pretty weird with each other so it could be something or nothing. But I won't know until I talk with her. So we'll see.

Anyway, not doing much else. I watched a new episode of "Chuck" tonight with Volkoff. He thought his daughter was helping him get out and that they'd run the company together. But she twisted him and left him with Chuck, Sara and Casey. He stopped the bombs from going off. He's such and interesting character and Timothy Dalton is an awesome actor! Then I watched the finale of "Being Human." Sally's door disappeared. Aiden almost died. Josh was going to help Aiden with Bishop, but Sally - now able to manipulate matter easily closed him in a room. But Nora found him. He was able to shut the door, but she could see him from the window. She finally knows the truth, but she lost the baby. And then he doesn't know yet, but he scratched her.There had better be a second season or someone is going to die! LOL!

Now I'm watching "Stargate: Universe." They've stopped on a planet and Greer is dealing with having almost died. The group is ambushed. An animal attacks, hurts many of the group, but takes two people for later - TJ and a soldier. The Eluscian Alliance (totally spelled wrong) people come to help find the lair. More people go missing and are hurt. I don't know what happens yet but it's coming up. Anyway, it's a good episode.

After this I'm going to take my meds and try to go to sleep. Hopefully I'll go to sleep easily, but I won't hold my breath. Still, I have a good shot maybe.

Shopping and Shaking

Boy did I feel off earlier today. I think I just slept too long. Plus I was snoring or am pretty sure I was snoring because I woke up with a headache and it wouldn't go away. Even after I took naproxen it still ached. I can even feel it a little now. I got up and got my iced coffee. My mom had made French Toast, but we didn't have any syrup. That was kind of sad because it really needed that sweetness. Oh well. Then I was trying to get Cassie to come over today to make her bed and vacuum for Grandma, but Jason was like "today is my day off and I just want to spend it with her and susan. Can she do it tomorrow." I said fine, but boy did I get yelled at by my mom. She was pissed. Then I was going to have Jordan grab my clothes off my chair when he got up, but no, my mother can't wait and she brings them to me bitching the entire time. 

There are some things I understand why she gets upset over, but the "IT has to be done NOW!!!" gets old. But she eventually calmed down. I just finished watching an X Files movie while I was writing bits and pieces of stuff with Patty B. But the story wasn't interesting and I decided to go ahead and go shopping. I felt like crap and I was shaking, but I still went. I went up to Walmart and got everything on my mom's list of stuff. I got a couple of other things too, and I got a Green Tea to drink. I drank the whole thing. Then I went to Albertson's to get the rest of the stuff my mom wanted that were on sale. I also grabbed a water. I needed it. I'm still thirsty even now. Anyway, I was also able to get some butter cookies for $.99 and potato rolls for that price too. I do enjoy looking in that reduced for sale rack.

I also managed to pick up crickets for Tubbie. But by the time I got home I really, really felt bad. Tim was here when I got home too. He brought over oranges!!! Yay!! And he also brought over beautiful strawberries. I stood and talked for a bit, but as soon as I could get away, I went to my room and sat down. I pulled up the computer too, but what I really needed was my medication. I forgot to take my morning meds, so I took them. Then I also took my last ativan. Of course, while this is happening, I'm getting texts from Cassie and Jason. Apparently Jason was acting like a jerk. I got told the story, but I still didn't understand all of it. I just know that Cassie was upset too. She wanted to come see me for awhile. They got on her case, but she came over anyway. But Jason had sent me this text "You do a good job of letting her run sis. We try to teach her compassion and that you can't run from all your problems." I was like, "EXCUSE ME??" I asked him if he was starting shit with me. Then I told him that if he was the problem Cassie had the right to leave and that I didn't know what the fuck was going on! I was still pissed the more I read that over and finally wrote him "So much for not judging my parenting. I always knew you thought you were better than me. Nice."

That got a reaction. He was telling me sorry and that he never felt that way. He was just upset and that he never thought he was better than me. As far as I'm concerned he deserved that kick in the gut for the one he gave me. I'm for the most part over it, but I hate when he pulls this kind of shit. 

Anyway, Cassie did come over and stayed for about an hour and a half or so. It was good to see her. She stayed for dinner and we watched some YouTube together. But when she first got here she vented and cried and then she was okay. I think that's just what she needs sometimes. Maybe she needs me as her therapist because I don't judge her. I let her speak her mind and feel what she feels, though I hate when she's hurting. It really makes me upset when she's so upset. But that's part of being a mother. Jordan was really sweet with her too when he heard she was upset with Jason. He offered her the chance to watch him kill Nazis in his video game and to pretend they were Jason. LOL! Obviously that's not really the case, but it was good. He used to hate it when Cassie wanted to go in and watch him so that was so sweet of him. 

My mom was tired so she made a simple dinner of hotdogs, baked beans and tomatoes. It was good, but I have a feeling Cassie might have still been hungry because when Jason and Susan came to get her, she told me not to tell them she'd eaten. :-P Go figure. But by the time they came to get her everyone was okay. Apologies were given and accepted and all was right in the world again.

As for me, I have been puttering around online, waiting for My Aussie to write me and watching "River Monsters." It's the premiere tonight. Then I'm going to take my night medication and hopefully I'll go to sleep. I have an early day. I have classes at Heartland tomorrow morning. But I still need to bring in some stuff from the car. Since it's treats I have to wait for my mom to go to bed, but I don't know if I want to wait that long.

Anyway, today was a bit of a challenge, but there was good too and I am tired. Got to sleep soon.

   

Sleeping Beauty Syndrome! LOL!

Man I was tired! I was so tired that I slept most of yesterday! The only things I really did were to watch "Tron Legacy" with Jordan, take Jordan to Gamestop. He was sweet enough to help me with fuel for the car and he bought lunch. Well, I helped a little. But then when we got back home, I passed out. I was still so tired from the week that I didn't sleep well. It must have taken a lot out of me - more than I realized.

Anyway, I slept through most of the afternoon, most of the evening and most of the early morning. My body was going to demand sleep! LOL!

Well, I'll write another entry later, but I had to record the sleeping. 

My Day - The Ramble

Guess what?? I finally got some good sleep last night! Bad news is that I didn't get enough sleep. I still had trouble getting to sleep but it was nice to get some good sleep finally. However, I had to wake up early this morning too. I mean, I would have had to wake up to go to class at Heartland, but instead I had to get up earlier to go to a ticket buy. I'm so tired right now, it seems like it happened a day or two ago. LOL!

Anyway, Jordan ended up waking me up because I had accidentally set the clock to 7:00pm instead of am. So I woke up late. Rushed out the door. Didn't take my morning meds, didn't grab my jacket . . . and it was cold!! But I got there and we met up with Susan and the girls. The time actually seemed to pass pretty fast, but what sucked was even though I got a good space in line I didn't get tickets. The lady at the window got me confused about the seating and so I didn't buy the tickets because I was afraid they were upper terrace and that was not tickets that were wanted. As it turned out no one got to buy tickets except Susan and she got killer tickets to Taylor Swift - floor seats!

After that and getting paid Jordan and I went to Jack in the Box for lunch and then Jordan gave me the rest of his $20 just so I could get Karissa her Frontline Flea stuff. Isn't that so sweet?? So we went to the vet and got it.

Once we got home we had about an hour until I had to take Jordan over to Susan's so that Susan could take him down to Humpfries with Alicia and Amy. During that hour I checked stuff online and I don't remember anything else. Then on the way to Susan's we had to go to Albertson's to get stamps for my mother, mail letters for her, get gas for the car and then get over there. Then after they left Cassie and I hung out for about 45 minutes before I took her over to Katie Kelly's. After that, I headed home for about an hour and then had to go to Amaya Station to pick up Jason from work and take him home. So then we hung out and listened to music, but he contacted Cassie to see if maybe she wanted to come home. Turned out that instead of going to Katie Kelly's aunt's house, they ended up at her grandma's and Cassie doesn't like the grandma. So we ended up picking her up, going to get Domino's pizza and going back to Jason and Susan's.

We hung out there and when Cassie went to take a bath, Jason went to get on his Facebook, and Cassie's was still up, so he saw something her friend had sent her - a male friend - and well . . . it was kind of an adult thing to say and so he got upset. Cassie then got upset when she found out he'd read it. The guy said he was gay and I thought it was one of her friends that was, but turned out it was her boyfriend. It kind of worries me, but she's not a dumb kid and we went through the don't meet anyone alone again.

Jason was upset that Cassie wanted to come home with me, but he got over it. He just feels like she never wants to spend time with him, but he was going to go to sleep anyway. But she was upset with him and then he got upset and she doesn't want to be around him when he gets grumpy. He can get mean.

Anyway, on the way home we stopped at Walmart. Cassie had the $20 from the ticket buy and got some clothes. I was originally going to get a shirt, but I saw that "Tron Legacy" was $15 so I grabbed it. I also got Naproxen. I had to. The Ibuprofen doesn't work as well. I also got Cassie a pair of skinny jeans for $5 and "All Dogs Go To Heaven" Double Feature for Cassie for the same price. She loves that movie and I can see why because it's cute. Of course, the only reason I was able to get anything was I got a $72 check. Of course, Cassie borrowed $12 and I hope I get it back. I need it for fuel badly.

Well, I am exhausted now. I hope I sleep. I know it seems like this entry is more a rambling of what I did today and not much else, but it's just because I'm so tired. Anyway, I'm off to write an email and then go to bed! Goodnight!

Another Day of Little Sleep - Ick!

Surprise, surprise, I didn't sleep well again. Of course, my mom had to start with Jordan at almost midnight. I was pretty wound up so I decided to go to Walmart after all. I told my mom I was going. She didn't understand why I would, but she wanted me to get deviled ham if I found it. I also had Jordan come with me, but some of that was so we could get snacks. By the time I got home, I was really, really tired, but I still had trouble sleeping. I just couldn't sleep AGAIN and it's getting old. Then I had to get up this morning. I believe I took a 5-hour energy or was that yesterday? The days are starting to blur together. LOL!

My mother had breakfast for me this morning which was nice. It was a breakfast taco. Actually, she made me two, but I could only get down one. I just wasn't that hungry. Then on the way to class I stopped at McDonald's and got a Diet Dr. Pepper. The price of the drinks has gone down which is cool!

The classes today at Heartland was WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) and Group Therapy. I wasn't wild about having Group Therapy, but there was only three of us so that actually made it nice! Then we had a little activity. It was cool. But by the time I left and got home I was so exhausted. I tried laying down for awhile, but as tired as I was I just couldn't sleep. It sucks because even now I'm exhausted, but not sure I can sleep. And tomorrow is going to be an early day again. I have a ticket buy so I'm skipping classes. I just wish I could sleep.

I did have a nice dinner. Greg texted me and invited me to dinner. He took me to the BBQ Pit! OMG! The Beef Plate was so good! Tender cuts of beef with BBQ sauce, french fries and baked beans. Yum! It was so nice to him to take me out. We talked about a lot of stuff and what I found out is that he never took me serious about getting a tattoo. I told him I was serious and so I might actually get one next week!! I'll get my tiger! It would be so awesome! It might hurt, but I would love to be marked by a tiger! But we'll see what happens. It would be so cool though. I think it's funny that he never took me seriously. I was serious the whole time and I told him that. LOL! Anyway, with luck I'll be getting a tattoo!

After I got back I was trying to decide if I wanted to go shopping or not. I really didn't feel up to it because I'm just so tired. But then I realized I needed to pick up my Lamictal so I decided to go to Vons while Jordan picked up my medication at CVS. My mom gave me a list of stuff specifically for Vons. They had streak on sale. There was OJ on sale. Vine tomatoes were on sale, so I got all those things. Then I also got my Coffee creamers - three big ones for the month. Then as a treat I got Jordan and I Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Jordan picked out Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I got one of the new ones. I can't remember what it's called though. But it had coffee and Malt ice cream, a caramel whiskey swirl and BIG chunks of chocolate covered tofee. It was pretty good, but I don't think I'll get it again. There are other flavors I like much better.

Anyway, one of the great things about today too, is I heard from my Aussie!! I wrote him an email last night and it was mostly just about my day. But also I talked about us being more than friends, but that the core of our relationship was friendship. He wrote me back and told me he loved hearing how I described our relationship! :-) It made me smile so much. I do totally adore him! I love hearing from him. It just brightens my day!

Okay, now I'm just kicking back. Karissa is sleeping next to me and I'm kinda watching "On the Record" on Fox news. Even Jordan watched Fox News with me for awhile. That was cool. But now I'm going to close this up, write an email to my Aussie and then hopefully I'll sleep. I have to sleep at some point, you know? If I don't I'm going to lose it.

So if God's willing I will sleep tonight . . .