I'm Better When I See Her

Today's actually been pretty good. I still didn't want to wake up. My mom let me sleep until 11am before getting me up. I finally took a shower and that got me going. Gort my coffee, too my mom to get her blood drawn. She asked me to go to Trader Joe's to get this special maple syrup she uses for her elixir she makes for her health. Guess it must work well. She's 93 and looks like a young 70's. After I picked her up she treated me to brunch at Denny's. Their pancakes are SOOOOOO GOOOD! Then it was a trip to the bank and Albertson's. By the time we got home Cassie had come and gone with Susan and Jason was there. We hung out for a few and then we went to his place.

It was so good to see Cassie! She didn't really stay long because she wanted to go see her boyfriend and I let her. I mean, why not let her see him. Because of him she looks forward to the next day. That means a lot to me and just having him in her life will get her grades up. I remember when I was first in love. He and I were never boyfriend/girlfriend but I was so in love with him. His name was Jayson. He was African American and Samoan. My parents had an issue with his color. I loved his voice, the legends of his people and how kind and sweet he was. Because of him I went to school. Just knowing I might see him and have a chance to talk with him was enough to get me to go. And in English my grade picked up from a "D" to a "B" in one quarter. So her having a boyfriend is a good thing as far as I'm concerned. And I got to see her when she came back for a few too.

Dinner was great. It's always nice to be with Jason and Susan. Watched TV, played on my laptop and just enjoyed being with them. It was nice. When when Cassie came back she gave me another hug and kiss, played on the computer and gave me another hug and kiss before I left. As she got back on the computer and I told her good-bye she waved and gave me a sad face. She said that she missed me . . . but she didn't want to come home. LOL! I don't blame her there. Knowing my mom I wouldn't want to be here either. But it made me feel good that she misses me. It reassures me that I'm loved very much. It's probably hit me stronger then anything else that's been said or done. Not that I want her to be unhappy, but it's nice to know she misses me too.

Other than that, my son drove me insane today. I go to wake him up for school this morning to find out he didn't have school and wouldn't have school for the next week or two. He missed the counselor and paperwork he needed to sign I guess. He says he can see the counselor in a week or two (which I don't remember. I need to ask him again.) and he can go back to school, but none of us were happy about this. I have to wonder if it's because he's missed so much school. I hope that's not the case, but I don't know. And he lies so who knows what's the truth anymore. But I'm hoping for the best otherwise he might have to go live somewhere else. I don't want to see that happen. I want him to do well and succeed. I hope he will finally put forth effort for his future. I can only try to guide him and so far I guess I haven't been so hot at that. I have beat myself up over that too. But there's only so much I can do. He's 19 years old now and I did what I could. I might have sucked with structure, but I did try. Anyway, I'm going to try not to let it get to me.

Guess that's about it. I just watched "Being Human" and now "Hawaii 5-0" is on, so I'm going to run and finish watching it. I am glad I do feel better today. Maybe part of the issue is that I just need to get out of the house more. I bet that would help.

Mood Swings SUCK!

Sleep is going to continue to be an on-going issue. I slept and slept and slept today. I didn't want to get it. In fact, Karissa cuddled right up against me and feeling her warmth and her purr really made me want to stay just how I was. And I had some strange dreams. In one I was driving and my best friend was next to me and had something she wanted me to look at and somehow it ended up in front of my face, but I couldn't look at it and I had to tell her I'd have to look at it later. Go figure. Weird. Then I had another dream that I can't quite remember. Just random stuff like a strange piece of furniture.

Then I was okay for awhile. Jordan and I had dinner. We watched some TV together - "Pawn Stars". But then I got some texts from Jason. It started as "Hi, how you doing" kind of stuff, but when he told me what he was doing it was he was with Susan and Cassie just watching TV and that they missed me. I don't know. I just felt like I should be with Cassie. She's my daughter. My girl . . . but I don't want her in this toxic environment. I know I say over and over that I'm doing the right thing. I know I am. But maybe I just have to say it so much so that I remind myself constantly. Missing her really isn't getting better though.

Anyway, the only other thing I've been doing is playing on Facebook. I had to force myself to go onto my games. I don't like feeling like that and I think it's just the mood swings between being okay and then depressed and sad. But I played Happy Island, Happy Aquarium and Happy Pets. I actually checked almost all my accounts on there because I needed blessings for a trapped pet in my Happy Pets room #1. Turned out to be a Glacier Dog. It's cool. I have Glacier cats and a butterfly too, so I was happy with that. I'm glad I did it and I enjoyed it when I got started. I guess I'm just depressed and it just depends on the level of depression I'm on.

Tomorrow I have to wake up early no matter if I want to or not. My mom needs to get blood taken for labs and then she wants to go to Walmart. I just hope that I feel better tomorrow. I don't want to keep feeling like this.  I try to look at the positives like I spend more time with Jordan. I don't HAVE to wake up early. I don't have to worry about Cassie's homework or getting her to school. But it just doesn't hold a candle to my missing her.

Well, I think I'm going to see if there's anything I can get as a snack then finish watching "Iron Chef American" and then hopefully go back to sleep. I'm actually still tired so it might work. Of course, my sinuses are giving me nothing but trouble so we'll see. And tomorrow I have to set aside some time to write, but not tonight. Concentrating is hard. Even writing this I've had to stop and start a couple of times. It's all signs of depression . . . Ugh! IT SUCKS!!

Movie, Reading, TV and Cookies

Today hasn't been real exciting. I really wanted to just sleep all day. Guess that's the depression still hanging around. I've also been tired all day, but that's because of the muscle relaxer. Jason told me he and Susan got Cassie a bed. It's a good thing, but it still hurts I'm doing the right thing, but it still hurts and probably will continue forever or until things change in some way. But things are the way they are. They need to stay that way for now and probably for a long time. 

Outside of that, the day was okay. Jordan and I watched "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" which was pretty good, though I prefer happy endings. Then I watched some TV but mostly I was reading today. It was nice to just read. I really haven't done enough of that over the last year. "Next" has really drawn me in. Some things I want to look up that were mentioned in the book like a glowing bunny. I think that's real. I remember something about it on the news or a show I watched on Discovery or Animal Planet or something. It really makes you think about genes and genetics.

Anyway, after dinner I watched "House" and read during commercials. LOL! Then after my mother went to sleep Jordan and I went to the store and got Daddy's Cream Sodas and chocolate chip cookies. I know, so healthy, but we both wanted something sweet. When we got back we ate cookies and watched more "House" together. At least the one thing I can say is Jordan and I are spending more time together. Even at 19 I think he still needs time with his mom. At least I hope so. When it comes to a completely empty nest I am really going to be in a bad way. It's so sad to say but it's true. I don't think Empty Nest Syndrome will hit anyone worse then me. Maybe as bad as me, but not worse. 

Well, I'm tired. Karissa is sleeping. Jordan's watching TV and I'm reading to take my medication and go to bed. Sleeping is a good thing though I wonder if I'll have the will to wake up early. Guess we'll find out in the morning.

 

Medication Knocked My Ass OUT!

Today I woke up around 11:30am. Earlier than usual. I needed to Cassie's school and pick up a record of her attendance. Then I had to go up to the welfare office and drop it off. Turned out I didn't need to wait in a long line. They have a new system that seems to work good. At least at around noon! LOL! I got to walk right up to the window I needed and was done in less th an 5 minutes. It was great! Getting home, even my mother couldn't believe how quickly I had gotten back. 

The bad thing was that I had taken a muscle relaxer before I left and by the time I got home I was getting really tired. I tried to spend some time reading, but I was having a hard time keeping awake. Instead of fighting it, I put on Destination Truth and took a nap. I didn't wake up until dinner. 

During dinner Jordan put on "High Plains Drifter" not knowing anything about it except that it was a Clint Eastwood movie. I got very interested in it and continued watching it after dinner. Turned out to be a great revenge flick so I was pretty impressed with it. I might try to get it on DVD one of these days. I really enjoy revenge flicks! LOL! Then I watched "True Grit" with John Wayne. It was good though not as good as the other movie. I want to see the new one with Jeff Bridges. THAT looks good too. 

Anyway, I'm still tired. Took another muscle relaxer and the anti-inflamatory. I'm sure it will kick in and I'll get more sleep. I might not take as much tomorrow though I only took what was prescribed. But I don't want to end up sleeping my life away. 

The bad thing is I got depressed again. At the moment I'm not so bad, but I hate the fact that it comes back to easily. It was set off by a simple statement. Jason didn't mean anything by it, but he said Cassie doesn't miss school when she's with them. She doesn't fight about getting up and she doesn't complain of being sick. Just makes me feel like crap like I was a fuck-up mom. So yeah, I'm sort of back to that, though not as bad. I guess that's a good thing.

Anyway, guess I'll close this up and finish watching "Being Human." Yeah, my life has a lot to do with TV and movies. LOL! Oh well. It is what it is.  

Rundown . . .

I'm going to whine again. I'm TIRED!!! And that hoping last night I would actually get some sleep at a reasonable time because I was tired then? Well, that was a dream that didn't come to fruition. It wouldn't have been so bad except that I had to wake up about two hours after I'd gotten to sleep to get Jordan up for school. He was already up, BUT he wouldn't go to school! UGH!! Then he tells me that he isn't keeping his word because Jason wasn't keeping his about the video game that he was supposed to get for his bday and then for Christmas. I personally think he might resent Cassie and how she gets everything and gets away with stuff. I don't know. But I had HORRIBLE anxiety and when I say horrible I MEAN horrible. So I call Susan. She decides to stop by. I take an ativan and then another before she gets there. She talks to Jordan and I guess they get it straightened out. Anyway, I start feeling better. Susan heads home and I am able to drop back to sleep. Then I sleep and sleep until after 3pm. Since then I have just been feeling off.

Nothing really went wrong today. I actually got to talk to Laura - Cassie's therapist and was talking to her a little about what I'd been going through. Maybe that set something off. But I talked to Cassie today! But I still haven't gotten the form from Welfare so I guess I just go to the school tomorrow, get her attendence and then take it up there to them. I'm not looking forward to it. Not that it's a bad place or anything. It just eats up so much time. Not to mention I might get stuck in line and my back will NOT like that.

Anyway, I finally had Jordan go in and pick up my medications that the doctor had just prescribed. I also let him go into Vons and gets us a couple sodas. Then we went to Kahoots and he went in and got the crickets for Tubby - our fire-belly.

Coming home we had dinner and since then I have been tired tired tired . . . But I did get to watch "Royal Pains" which is such a good show and I also saw "Fairly Legal" which is so new. It's great too. If I could stay up later I'd watch Brad MEltzer's Decoded. I also did some reading today. But no writing. Too off today, but there's always tomorrow. Anyway, hopefully tonight I sleep, though I don't have high hopes. Guess we'll see.

Getting to Know You Questions

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Nope! In fact, I named myself!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?  2 days ago

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not really. In fact, it's rather sloppy. You should see my signature!!

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Honey Ham

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yep! A boy and a girl!

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I'd like to think so. I'm intelligent and compassionate.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?  Do you think?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope. Got them out when I was 6 years old.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? The simple answer - NO!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I don't eat it much but Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I don't wear tie shoes. I like slip-ons.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Not physically, but I'm told I am emotionally though it doesn't feel that way.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Moose Tracks, Pumpkin pie and several from Ben & Jerry's!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Someone's face shape, eyes and smile.

15. RED OR PINK? Pink

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My weight mostly, and being depressed so much.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Dad. He died back in 2003.

18. ARE YOU AN OPTIMIST OR A PESSIMIST? Depends on the day though mostly I think I'm a realist.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Invisible ones!  I'm barefoot.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Steak, green beans and garlic potatoes. YUM!

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Ghost Hunters International

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Gardenias, honeysuckles, jasmine, baking cookies and bread, air after rain.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My brother (friend) Jason.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE? Mountain Hideaway for sure.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Football, Ice Skating and I actually enjoyed Basketball when I watched it with Jason.

27. HAIR COLOR? Brown, but auburn when I want it! ;-)

28. EYE COLOR? Green-Brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, though I want green ones.

30. FAVORITE FOOD? Steak, Cream Cheese Pie, Mexican food and much, much more!

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings, baby!

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Doom - DUMB movie.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? I'm wearing a pink nightgown with flowers.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Fall and Winter.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both!

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cream Cheese Pie, Eclaires, Fruit Tart, Baklava . . .

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO? Stretches and Swimming.

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? Got to have BOTH!!!

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? "Next" by Michael Crichton.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Nothing. I'm on a laptop.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? Cat purring and snoring. My cat talking to me. Baby's laugh. Rain. Babbling brook.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Do I have to choose?

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? England. It's a long way for a Califoirnia girl!

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Yep! I'm a writer and from what I've been told, I'm pretty good at it.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? La Mesa, CA

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? San Diego, CA

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? Off-White and Brown.

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? Metalic Sand

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?  I love these things!

A Good Busy Bee Day!

Okay, I wasn't as busy as I could be, but it was a bit of a busy day - especially the afternoon and early evening. However the best part about the day was seeing my Cassie and feeling pretty good. The feeling good part is good for my mental health. LOL! It sucks being bipolar. Makes staying sane just that much harder and that's before you add stressors! But today was good.

Cassie woke me up by phone call at around 11:00am. She had been falling asleep in class and wanted me to pick her up early. I have to say that I did. But it gave me three hours to be with her too. We talked, played on the computer. Basically I watched her play some games and we listened to her music. She was sweet enough to clean out the cat though she wanted the reluctant Jordan to carry it to the trash can! LOL! Then Jason and Susan picked her up around 2:20pm. Jason was having a hissy fit because I lied to him about Cassie being home. But he flips out and I told him that. He also got upset with Susan for not telling him too. Of course with me Cassie asked me not to tell.  No big thing for me. 

After that I had half an hour before I had to leave for my doctor's appointment - medical Dr. Jason. That's what the receptionist called him. Basically I played on Facebook for that 40 minutes. Jason called and told me about something hysterical. On Facebook if you go to the bottom of the homepage and press your language link it brings up all the languages that I guess you can use and not only do they have English (US) and English (UK) they have English (Pirate)!!! LOL! I set mine to pirate and I LOVE it! It makes me smile and laugh so that was something else good today. Then I headed to the doctor where I told him about my back, hip and knee pain. He prescribed an anti-inflammatory and a muscle relaxer. Jordan will be sweet to take it in and pick it up for me tomorrow. All I have to do is take him there. It's something I don't like to do so it's nice he does that for me. Then I also got my Flu shot! Nothing like procrastinating! LOL! But Dr. Jason told me it's never too late. 

After that I had plenty of time to swing by MacDonald's to get a drink and head to my other appointment. I got to my therapy appointment 30 minutes early so I took the time to read more of "Next" by Michael Crichton. It's a good book so far. Then I went in for my appointment and got to talk about everything that was going on and how I was feeling. It always helps to talk about it. He also reassures me which is nice. He also encourages me with things and gives me ideas though today was mostly just me talking and him encouraging. Made me feel better.

Getting home was nice. My mother had cooked dinner - steak. I LOVE steak. I'd bought some when it was on sale. So I had a good dinner too. Spent some time with Karissa and she'll probably come in later to be with me while I sleep and now I'm just chilling out, writing this entry and watching "Ghost Hunters". Next is "Ghost Hunters International". I'm also tired. I was tired last night and still ended up not sleeping, but I think tonight I'll finally sleep or at least it feels like it! I'm just so glad I had a good day! I didn't get any writing in, but there's always tomorrow! It's nice to feel a little positive too!

A Star in the Dark

After being so depressed I finally had a good night. Today was kind of dull. Then I got invited over to Jason and Susan's for dinner. At first I wasn't sure I could go. I have two doctor appointments tomorrow - medical and psychological. When you don't have money fuel is always an issue. Anyway, i talked to my mother about getting some fuel money from her. I don't like to ask her, but I usually have to once a month. I had to listen to her for about 30 minutes, but she gave me $20 which was nice. Then she wanted me to run to the store and get eggs and vanilla ice cream. Then she gave me $4 to get burgers for her and Jordan for dinner. So quickly I went to Albertson's. I usually get my eggs at Vons, but Albertson's is closer. They moved the eggs so I had trouble finding them. Grabbed the ice cream no problem. I grabbed a water too. Nothing is better than cold water! After I was done with that, I went to Wendy's and got the burgers. I used some change and got myself a burger too. All I'd had was coffee until that point today. Once I did that, I headed home, called to have Jordan come out and grabbed the stuff and I took off to Jason and Susan's.

Being over at Jason and Susan's is always nice. When I got there it was just Jason. Susan was taking Cassie to see her friend (and her boyfriend). I talked a bit to Jason telling him about the depression and he's worried I feel like they are taking her away from me which I don't feel at all. I told him I just felt like a failure as a mother. He assured me that I wasn't. That I was a very good mother because I wanted to do what was right for my daughter. And I do know what I'm doing is right. When Susan got back Jason told her what I said and she assured me too. Guess I just need constant reassurance as sad as that is to say. Then Susan started dinner. picked up Cassie and came back. As soon as Cassie was in the door she came and hugged me leaning against me. She'd missed me. :-) I was glad she was happy to see me. She leaned against me for awhile as we chatted. Then it was time for dinner - spaghetti and raviolies. We watched a little TV though talked most of the time. I got to hold and watch and talk to my little girl. Jason eventually got grumpy, but he's a morning person now and it was getting late and Cassie was getting sassy. LOL! But as 9:30pm rolled around I figured it was time to go and let Cassie get ready for bed. She walked me to the car (to look for something in the car she might want) and then we hugged each other lots of times before she went back inside and I came home.

At least I can say I'm happy at the moment and I'm tired so maybe I'll sleep early and wake up relatively early tomorrow. I just hope this good feeling lasts into tomorrow. But if nothing else I've had a bright spot in a dark time.



Slept the Day Away

Okay, maybe I didn't sleep the whole day away. I didn't sleep last night and I had planned to be up all day, but it didn't really work out that way. I did manage to have my coffee and I checked Facebook. Reading Cassie's status posts made me depressed. It was stuff she used to talk to me about and now that she's never here . . .

Anyway, I didn't do much else and then went to sleep around 2-3pm. I slept until 10-10:30pm. I watched the episode of Pawn Stars that I wanted to. Then when Jordan woke up, I just HAD to get out of the house. I don't often get that feeling like I just need to get out, but I did. So Jordan and I went to Walmart. I bought all kinds of things I shouldn't have food-wise. :-P But I got Jordan a few things too that he didn't need! LOL!

Coming home we watched two movies together - Max Payne and Doom. I hadn't seen Doom before and to be honest I was underwhelmed. It seemed like it was missing a lot. Maybe they should have done more character development or did more to the story, but it definitely was a slow moving movie and it didn't get that interesting until the end. Anyway, I'm just glad Jordan and I had that time. We don't often do things together anymore and I think it was good for us.

I'm still depressed but not as much as I was earlier, which is a good thing. I have Dominique coming over tomorrow at 1:30pm and I'm looking forward to that. I hope I feel creative enough to do a little writing tomorrow. But we'll see. I need my writing.

Guess that's my boring entry for tonight (Today for other people). I'm going to try to get a little more sleep. We'll see if it happens. I'm a bit tired so I'm hoping.

Who Would Have Thought Cafemom Could Be Depression Inducing?

 Well, today was kind of off-putting. Last night I didn't sleep the way I thought or had hoped. I even went and bought some benedryl, only to remember too late that it gives me restless legs. So in the end, I was soooooo tired, but I couldn't sleep because of my legs. I had to have Jordan pound on them. Ugh! Then because of the benedryl I was so tired I slept and slept. I woke up finally around 3pm and decided that I just need to stay up all night and all day tomorrow and hopefully sleep at a normal time and wake up relatively normal on Tuesday. We'll see. That was the first thing.

Then I am still missing Cassie. I will always miss her when she's not around. I just feel like I can't have my daughter here because of my mother. I worry that the woman will destroy my daughter the way she destroyed me. Maybe that's not entirely fair since I am an adult, but so much damage has been done since childhood that I just don't have the strength to keep fighting. Each day is hard enough dealing with what I deal with and it's not much.

Then, I decide to check Cafemom. I haven't been on there for awhile and to my surprise someone who was an aspiring author just set up an author fan page. She's an author now . . . her next book she's working on and it just depressed me. I'm happy for her but I'm jealous too. Why can't it be me, you know? I just don't believe in myself anymore. As if anything else could make me feel any worse it just dorve home to me how much I just don't trust myself anymore. I haven't done anymore writing since the other day. I don't know why. Maybe it's just that depression coming back way stronger than usual. I mean, I thought I was finally getting a handle on things.

Guess not . . .

And now I'm back to just being depresssed, wanting to cry . . . feeling alone and lonely. And really, my loneliness is due to missing Cassie. Guess I know who my best friend really was . . . or well . . . Cassie is just such a part of my heart and to not be near her is like having half my missing. It sucks.

So my writing is gone, I can't sleep when I want, and my daughter is gone . . . I'm doing great . . . yeah . . . just great . . . I guess I just really want to give up and die. Part of me really wishes I were dead. I don't want to be or I don't want to feel this way, but I do. It's hard to feel like this all the time. AND I might not get any money next month because I got my QR7 in late or something was missing. I have to call tomorrow. Or they might cut my money because of all the days Cassie has missed at school. I just won't know. It's just something else I don't want to have to deal with. I hate my life. I just kinda wish I'd never been born. If nothing else my kids deserved a lot better than their father and I.

Okay, I have to stop or I'm just going to keep crying as I type. As always I'm tired. But I won't sleep tonight. I'm starting to wonder if I need to go to the hospital thought. I'll give it another day or two maybe and see how I do. If this keeps up, I don't know . . .

A Little Up a Little Down

Well, today hasn't been a bad day, but it hasn't been a good day either. I woke up tired even though I needed to get up - just so that I didn't sleep the entire day away. I even had some breakfast which I usually skip most days. Didn't eat anything else until dinner. Oatmeal is very willing.

I did get to see Cassie briefly when she came home to get shorts to wear at the hotel pool tonight. Jason and Susan are taking her to Disneyland tomorrow and they went up tonight. I also told Jason a little of what goes on in my mind today. That kind of helped for a little bit. I miss Cassie as always.

The good thing today was that I read Nicole what I wrote on my story. The bad thing is I did no writing today. I just didn't feel like it. I hope it doesn't mean that my mind has stopped working again so soon! I have the story in my head so I don't know. Guess I'll have to try to write tomorrow and see what comes out. I need my writing. Especially now.

I also started a new group on Facebook. Not that I think anyone is going to care! LOL! It's for Burn Notice and I'm just going to put up one Michael Weston words of wisdom each day. I might as well do something will all the ones I've written down. Maybe I'll start writing them down again as a side project.

I'm just tired right now. I'm watching "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" after watching most of "Transformers" on TNT. I'm enjoying it, but it seems the later I get the more depression is starting to set in again. Maybe if I just kick back, watch my movie and go to sleep I'll wake up feeling better. At least that's the hope I'll hold onto.

So Far So Good!

Today was okay. I slept late because I didn't fall asleep until 6:30am. So it's no wonder that I slept until after 2:00pm. I still feel tired, but maybe that's not such a bad thing. It would be nice to be tired enough to sleep early. I can always forget watching Merlin, though it's a good show.

I haven't spent too much time feeling depressed today. It's still there, but it's not dragging me down like it was. Maybe I'm adjusting to the decision I made about Cassie. She is better off at Jason and Susan's. Even today my mom was asking me if Cassie were going to come back - to do stuff of course. I told her I didn't know when Cassie was going to get back. I know my mother is never going to change. In a lot of respects she destroyed me in my teens and I just can't let it happen to Cassie. I want better for her. I don't want Cassie to be run by anxiety and a sense of failure all the time because of constant put-downs where you're made to feel like the worst person in the world. My mother is emotionally toxic. It's just how she is and in some respects it's gotten worse with age. I deal with her better now than I did as a kid, but it's not always easy. She's still great and making me feel like an utter failure (as if I didn't feel that way enough). I think I just stopped trying to make her happy long ago because nothing pleases her and especially not me. I am a slob. I would rather do just about anything other than housework and she is TOTALLY OBSESSED with housework. Her and I have never seen eye to eye on anything and I think she deliberately doesn't see eye to eye with me on anything because I am such a slob. Therefore I am not worthy of her. But what it comes down to is that I don't want Cassie to go through that anymore.

But I miss her. I do. And I turn to my beautiful calico kitty Karissa for comfort. What's great is that when she's ready to sleep with me, she loves to be almost right next to me. I do find myself worrying about her a lot more now. I think it would really turn my world upside down. She's been breathing a little strange, but that could also just be me paying closer attention to her now. It's just she's not young. She'll be 10 years old in April. She's lived longer than most outdoor cats. Now she's mostly indoor which is great. IF I'm lucky she could live to be 16 which would be wonderful. I can hope. All I know is that I have her and she is my baby too.

My writing is going pretty well. I have written another page on the story. It's not much yet. It's just showing a normal day, but it won't end normally. I'm almost to the point where she's going to be abducted. It be long until she gets away and saved by a "wolf". I really am excited to get there. I'm not sure exactly what direction I'm going in right after that, but I have a couple of ideas. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. :-)

Anyway, Jordan has managed to sleep through the entire day. I'm going to let him keep sleeping until she naturally wakes up. It's just too hard wake him now because then he WILL be up all night and sleep in the morning. I'd like to at least have him stay awake until noon or later. He has things he needs to do too. Like raking leaves and sweeping the gutter . . . He hates doing it, but it's not like he's asked to do a lot.

I'm going to try to go back to my writing because there is NOTHING on TV. Then again, I haven't watched "Inception" yet. Maybe I'll put that on. OR I'll just try to drift to sleep. Well, we'll see.

But either way, I can say that today has been okay. It's much better than being depressed, crying, feeling sorry for myself and all that fun stuff. I'm going to hope this will continue into the weekend. :-)

Sometimes Getting Out of the House is a GOOD Thing!

I'm feeling better. I'm glad I'm feeling better. I was pretty tear-eyes for awhile, but I went to the grocery store and I picked up small crickets for Tubby our Fire Belly Toad - he was very hungry. When I got home, Karissa was there to meet me with her meowing as she followed me to the door and into the house. After putting stuff away I came into my room, Karissa picked her spot on the bed and went to sleep and I checked Facebook and browsed some blogs. I suppose I just need that space; the time to get my mind off of my pain. It's still there but I don't necessarily think I should consider myself a failure. IF I were truly a failure as a parent I wouldn't care so much. I wouldn't be trying to do what's best for my Cassie. I would wash my hands and just let her go without a second thought OR force her to stay here in this House of Doom.

Anyway, I'm thinking that getting out for the little time I did and having the pets to come back to has helped a great deal. Who knows, maybe I'll even work more on my story tonight. Things are starting to look up again, though I'm sure I'll have more times of doubt, depression and pain. But for now I need to appreciate this time I have that's free from those thoughts and feelings. It's going to take time, but I think I'll be okay.

I Was Okay For a Few Hours

Well, I started off okay today. Was woken up around 10:30am and I stayed up. Played with Karissa for awhile and even did some writing on a story idea I came up with last night and I think it's an interesting one. In fact, my mind turned over different possibilities for about an hour or so last night. I don't have it all worked out yet, but at least I feel like my mind might be working again. At least I did . . . well, where the story is concerned yes. But my mind has settled on Cassie again and all I do is want to cry. I know I'm doing what's in her best interest by letting her stay with Jason and Susan as much as I do, but I miss her and I can't shake the feeling that I failed. That I'm having to let her go and that I'm alone without her. I guess part of me feels like I lost my best friend. Maybe that's not how you're supposed to be with your kids, but her and I were always close. Now I just feel I have no one. Jordan doesn't need me and as much as we love each other Cassie is way more like me and we spent so much time together. I don't know. Maybe I just failed them both. I hate who I am. The failure I am. Maybe I'll eventually succeed as an author. I know that's my nitch as far as professions go, but I feel like such a failure in everything else. And now, I am just emotionally exhausted again. All I want to do is cry and sleep. I doubt I'll sleep but I want to. I have no energy for anything else. I don't even feel like writing. Well, part of me does, but it's not as strong as the part that is just too emotionally wrought to deal with it. But maybe in a few hours I'll feel better. And if not then maybe tomorrow. I'm going to try to go to the gym again. But we'll see. I doubt it will emotionally help.

Guess that's it for now. Time for me to curl up, cry some and tried to forget for a little while.

There Can Be a Darkness in the Heart That even the Sun Can't Warm

Since last night the depression has really set it. It sucks. I guess I'm adjusting or trying to adjust to letting her go. If it weren't for Karissa I don't think I could deal with it at all. Karissa comes in and out all the time though. She sort of drives me a little crazy that she wants in and out so much. But she sleeps a lot with me. And she likes to cuddle up next to me. It comforts me a lot. But I miss Cassie. I still feel like a failure. I guess being a parent wasn't my thing even as much as I wanted it. I love my kids so much and I feel like I failed both of them.

I don't know. I just feel like crying. And I have cried. But it doesn't change anything. I'm stuck in this house - The House of Doom. There was never a better name given to it. I remember calling it that as a teenager and it is even more so. It has driven my daughter away. Of course, maybe I did that too and she just doesn't want to tell me that. But she does start crying when she hears me say that I think she doesn't want to be with me. I shouldn't say anything. It's not fair to her. But sometimes she says something and the words will come out of my mouth before I realize it. That doesn't happen to me that often. I just wish things were different and we know about wishes . . . they're full of shit. Wishing doesn't do any good and I just don't have the confidence or the ability to change things. I guess I am destined to be a failure and a loser.

Life sucks . . .

What a Day and Not in a Good Way

It's not the worst day I've ever had and it's not ending horribly, but it has not been a good day. It started off bad and it just kept going.

It started with me not sleeping well last night. Then waking up at 6:30am to wake Jordan up for school to only have him just about cry because he was so tired - his sleep schedule has been off - so I let him go back to sleep even though it aggravated me. Then less than an hour later I get a call from Cassie wanting permission to go to school late because SHE was tired and I was too tired to argue. Then when she got home, I let her miss another period though I knew I shouldn't have. Finally I got her to school. When I came home I went back to sleep for a bit. In fact, I slept until about 1pm. Then when I got up, I got Jordan up. That actually wasn't too bad. But it was picking up Cassie from school when it all started going South. I can't even begin to relate everything she talked to me about but she has a lot more issues than I thought. She has cut on her hand before. I'm worried that she might do it again or more often or other places. Since I had and I know what emotions have to come up to do that I am very worried. Then she is so upset over school - especially math. She hates her teacher. Gets Anxiety when she's called on - bad enough to make her feel like she wants to throw up. Then here - she wishes her brother would love her. That Grandma wasn't such a bitch and that she had her own room. She's so unhappy and it rips me apart. And even over at Jason and Susan's it's not all peachy, but it's better than here. I just wish I didn't feel so alone without her, but I'm starting to see how it might be better for her over there. I wish it weren't true and it really makes me feel that I am a horrible parent that I have put her in this position. The conversation started because she wants to go to Spring Valley middle - well wishes. She knows she can't. There are a lot of reasons why. I just wish that I were different. That I had somehow been the parent she should have had. Instead of the failure I am. I'm just depressed and I think resigned to the fact that Cassie is far better off outside this house. It kills me and I miss her, but I have to think about what's better for her. I just wish I were what was best for her. Maybe in another life where I had money and a place of my own where she could have had a room of her own and we weren't always struggling with money . . . But that's not going to happen. Things are the way they are and it's how they'll always be.

Anyway, I think the more she's away the more reclusive I get. I have no reason to do much of anything. Living life is a challenge. Okay, I've managed to talk my depression into getting a little worse. Well, maybe this is how it was and I'm just feeling the whole effect now. It sucks feeling like a failure as a parent, as a writer and a person. I suppose I'll have to work on this. Find a way to cope. Maybe I'll be able to lose myself in my writing again at some point. One can hope.

I took Cassie back over to Jason and Susan's. Had dinner there. It was really good and we got MacDonald's sundaes for dessert. It was nice to hang out even though I didn't say too much. What am I going to say, you know? And I did get to spend the evening with Cassie. I hugged and kissed her good-bye and came home. As I said, the evening was okay. It's ending okay, but I am definitely depressed and sad and maybe a little lonely without my girl. I love my son too, but it's different with him. He's like me. A loner. We watch movies together and stuff . . . He's also an adult. So it's not the same. I don't know. I guess I have to do what I always do. Wake up, get through the day, go to sleep and do it all over again. If it weren't for Karissa I think I would totally lose it. Petting her helps.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I don't know what my depression will be like tomorrow, but I'll find out whether I want to or not. Think I'll take some medication and hope I go to sleep easily.

Today's Deals

Well, so much for getting up a 11am. I ended up sleeping until 2pm again. I did take my mom to Walmart. She was nice enough to buy me some advil. I am so low on it. I also picked up a Christmas cat stocking for $1. Karissa loves some of the toys - especially the catnip ones, of course. LOL! I also got cream drops for 50 cents. I got a bag for Jordan and one for me. Other than that I got splenda for my coffee in the mornings and a couple of things we needed like cereal. By the time I got home my body was aching. Oh, I also got the money order off for the car insurance - one other important thing. I still need to send out the appeals paperwork. That will be tomorrow. But I can't even begin telling you how bad my back and hips were hurting - especially after I got on the computer for awhile and check my Facebook games. I did take advil and the pain has eased up a bit. I also watched Chuck tonight. That is such a cute show. Chuck is so sweet and Sarah is beautiful and caring. Actually, I love Casey and Morgan too. Great cast. Great stories . . . Then I'm watching the premiere of Being Human. So far it's pretty good. After that I might see if Hawaii 5-0 is new. I'm still tired but I don't know if I'll sleep. I'm going to try. I don't really remember my dreams anymore, but I do know I was dreaming about Cassie last night. I think part of me just misses her so much. However, I just want her to be happy and that's not really with me unfortunately. She has no friends over here. I have no money to get her things or take her places . . . We don't spend a lot of time with each other. I don't know. She's my baby and I just want her to be happy. I just wish I was the one that could make her happy, but I'm not.

Anyway, things are the way they are. I just have to deal with it and try not to beat myself up over that. Cassie still loves me and I know that. I also need to set the alarm for Jordan so he can go to school in the morning. I don't feel depressed, but I don't feel happy. I have had happy moments today though so that's a good thing. Guess we just try to make tomorrow a little better.

Okay, Let's Try This Again . . .

Okay, I did write something and somehow I managed to lose it. Ugh . . . My luck, of course! LOL! It's just how it goes, I guess.

Today has been okay. I woke up at around 1pm. Still later than I wanted and I'm still tired. It's annoying. At least I didn't wake up depressed! I think tomorrow I might set the alarm for 11am and see how that works out. If I wake up fine then earlier shouldn't be a problem. I am just sick and tired of being tired, you know? If it gets worse I might have to see the doctor and I really don't want to. It's not that I'm afraid of the doctor, it's just I don't want to take the time. I know it sounds horrible and it would probably help my SSI case, but I just don't want to. But I might if I have to. After all, I'm a big woman and have big woman problems. My hips and knees and legs and back are always hurting. It sucks being fat, but I probably always will be.

I tried getting a money order today after I took my mom to get her meds (and for me to do a little shopping) only to find out that Albertson's doesn't do money orders on Sundays . . . Ugh . . . So that means I go back tomorrow. At least it will get done. That's the important thing. I was also supposed to get the SSI appeal paperwork done and I haven't do that yet either. Guess that's something I'll do tonight before I go to sleep.

Other than that not much else went on today. I just played on Facebook and am now watching Worst Cooks in America to be followed by Iron Chef America. I did try to do some writinig today. I started a Fantasy piece. I haven't even gotten through a whole page, but I have started so I guess that's something and I have a little bit of a story. There's just no passion for it, but maybe that will come with time. I just have to hit on the right element and once I do that things will fall into place. At least I hope so. It would be nice to have that part of my life back. I'm a writer. It's in my blood. I just need to find that trigger again.

Well, I guess that's about it. I'm going to do some reading too. I did a little reading of The Apprentice and it is GREAT! I'm about half way through. I'm going to keep reading after this book too. That might help get my creative juices going again too.

Anyway, I'm going to finish watching my shows so until tomorrow . . .

Maybe I've Turned a Corner Finally!

Today has actually been a pretty good day! I didn't wake up until 2pm, but I was able to clean out the frog tank and after Jordan got the spring water in from the trunk I cleaned out the fish bowl. I know the fish were very happy to be in clean water. I was just happy to feel up to getting stuff done. I really didn't do much else. I have been IMing with Greg today and Nicole called me earlier so I have had some contact with the outside world! LOL! Other than that, I played on Facebook. I have tossed some ideas around for a story. Nothing concrete yet, but at least I am trying to get the juices flowing. They're just not cooperating. I also made an easy dinner of Ham and Cheese sandwiches for Jordan and I. We're out of bread now. :-P Guess I'll need to go to the store tomorrow.

The funny thing is I'm tired and I'm wondering if I can manage to sleep early. I haven't exactly been successful lately and I'm concerned that I'm just going to have to wake up early and deal with being tired all day. I hate the thought, but if it's what I have to do then I guess I'll have to do that.

What's funny too is that I have been watching Destination Truth all day and I think I'll keep watching it. It's just Saturday and usually TV is a desert. I don't mind watching this over and over again. But it makes me want the next season - if they ever release it!! I'll be waiting with baited breath. I also finally watched the episiode that Josh Gates did a commentary on that I hadn't watched with it on before. It was pretty neat!

Now if I could just get my creative mind working again . . . There is just no real inspiration anymore and I don't know why. But I'm going to see about developing the story with the dragon. I had some ideas and maybe if I hit on the right ideas I'll have something new to work on. I just WANT to want to write. The desire is there but inspiration isn't. The passion isn't. I need to find that passion again and I don't know where to find it. That's probably the one thing that has me down today. But maybe that will change. I just have to hope it will. If I could just get that back everything else would fall into place I think. That's what I believe. But all in all it's been a good day!

A Better Day

Well, I still slept late today. Of course, I didn't fall asleep until 7am or somewhere around there. I got up about 1:30pm. Not that bad. I've slept longer than that before. What was better was that I wasn't shaking either. I think yesterday I slept too long. Sometimes it throws off my nervous system or something. Then I had Jordan help me clean up my room a bit and get clothes washed and put away. There are still a few items, but all in all my room looks a little better and I can get to the closet now. We also found a bunch of Cassie's pants. It was just nice to get some stuff done I guess. Doing nothing just feeds the depression I guess and I really need to try to force myself to do what I don't feel up to doing.

I also finally took a shower. I think my clothes could have almost walked away on their own. I was very ripe. I just didn't want to take a shower and I kept putting it off and putting it off. But finally I did it. I feel better physically and a little bit better mentally. Now if I could just get my inspiration back so that I could write again that would be perfect. But I can't think about that right now. One step at a time. It's good that I have taken the shower and gotten stuff done. Maybe tomorrow I'll take a few more steps in the right direction.

Watching Merlin tonight and I do love the Dragon. Wish I could write fantasy. Who knows. Maybe I can and I just haven't come up with the right story yet. I'll think on it and see if any inspiration comes to me.

I can say I feel more hopeful tonight. Maybe watching Star Trek today helped too. How Star Trek changed the world was great to watch again along with The Next Generation and Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Coountry again. I really do like that movie a lot. Star Trek always leaned toward a bright future. Hope is what I need, I guess. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

This Depression is Really Getting Old

This depression is really getting old. I have trouble getting to sleep but then when I do I don't want to wake up. I just don't want to get up. I know I should start forcing myself to wake up and do stuff or at least just wake up, but it's hard to do. Then I woke up this afternoon shaking. In fact, I'm still shaking now. It's not as bad, but it's still there. I wonder if it's the vicodin I took last night to help me sleep. It didn't work either and I'm out of ativan again. The anxiety is still bad. To make matters worse CVS has been calling the wrong number. I gave them the right number yesterday, but I still don't have my ativan. If I don't get it tomorrow I'm going to go nuts.

Today has been somewhat productive. My mom gave me money to get Jordan a couple pair of jeans. We went to Good Will in Santee and found two pairs. I also found The Chronicles of Riddick book. It was only 75 cents and it looks like it's never been read. I also saw they had some good CDs and DVDs. It might be worth me checking out in a couple of months for anything good. With what was left of the money Jordan and I got MacDonald's. I also stopped at the Hostess store. It was probably the wrong thing to do, but I couldn't help it. LOL! I wanted to see if they still had Fruitcake and I was rewarded for it! They had a bunch still so I grabbed a couple. Then after going home my mom gave me money to get dinner at Wendy's. As for being productive Jordan has also been helping me with laundry. Tomorrow he'll help me finish the rest and help me with my room so that way I can get to the closet. Maybe once the room looks better I'll start feeling a little better. That and probably a shower would help. I'm going to take a shower tomorrow. It's way over-due.

I did have a nice escape tonight though. Syfy has been running Star Trek: The Next Generation and two Star Trek movies - The Voyage Home and The Undiscovered Country. I forgot how much I loved these movies because it's been so long since I've seen them. Anyway, the movies are farther up my want list again. Eventually I'll get them. After all, I got all four Indiana Jones movies. It will just take time and opportunity . . . and money, of course.

I just hope I sleep tonight and that tomorrow I feel better. I suppose I just need to believe it for it to happen. Think I'll finish losing myself in The Undiscovered Country for now.

All's Well That Ends Well

The day started off rough. Cassie had trouble sleeping last night. It didn't help that her father decided to be an ass. He got his panties in a twist because Cassie has her friends listed as brothers and sisters on her Facebook. She got mad at him the other night for it and he apologized and then last night he tried to get Jason to push her to take them off as siblings! Cassie was up and hit the roof. I noticed that John didn't bother contacting me because he knew I'd tell him he was wrong and that he was being an ass. When we were married he tried to get me to dump my friends and I flat out told him that I would kick him to the curb before I would give up my friends for him. My friends have always been my family. Cassie told him that he hadn't been there for her and he had the nerve to say that I hadn't wanted him to see her! He could have seen her if he wanted to get his ass down here to visit. THen he also had the nerve to try to tell her that he was just looking out for her because you don't know who predators are online. She knows the kids on her list or they are friends of friends. And he's one to talk. He couldn't protect her from the child molester in his own house because he didn't believe her when she finally told.

Okay, I wasn't so upset last night about it but I am now I guess. Especially him trying to put me in the seat of me keeping him away from her. Ugh! He's really not worth my aggravation though. Honestly. He buries himself with everyone so is it even a surprise that he buried himself with his daughter - again?

Then this morning Cassie was upset with me because I don't let her sleep until 7am. She told me "Susie lets me sleep until 7! I want to live there, but NO!!!" I have to say that hurt me a lot. I could tell her she can't go to Jason and Susan's, but it would just backfire and draw us apart. Plus, I want her to be happy. Anyway, she got over it and went to school. I did shopping for my mom and then went back to sleep. I slept and slept. Jason came over about 2pm and that FINALLY woke me up. We hung out until Susan came back with Cassie from school. Then I took my mom to get her tabs and meds - I also went to vons for her. I grabbed lamb, but I guess I didn't get what she wanted. They didn't have what she wanted. After that, we came home for a bit and then I took off to therapy. On the way I stopped at MacDonald's to get a drink and fruit pies. Can't beat that 2 for a buck.

It was a good thing I had therapy though. I needed to talk about John and my writing and just all the things worrying me. My depression. How tired I am all the time. I can't seem to write anymore. I haven't even cleaned up my room, taken a shower or done laundry. But he thinks I should just take things slow. See if maybe I can start dealing with my writing little by little. I don't know. I get so much anxiety . . . In fact, my anxiety started coming back today. I am out of ativan again. The pharmacy idiots were calling the WRONG number for me to get a refill . . . I've also been getting aggavated very easily today. I just wish I could go back to when my writing came easily to me. Where I had no problems coming up with the next story. I want to feel better and I don't. Depression sucks, but it is what it is. Guess I can only take things one day at a time.

But the day has ended on a good note. Jason and Susan invited me over for dinner - Jason's BBQ chicken! I sat with Jason and watched the Aztec Basketball game. It was pretty cool. Dinner was yummy and I got a lot of hugs from Cassie and I needed those very badly. So all in all I'm feeling a little better than how the day started. That's always a good thing. Maybe tomorrow something good will happen too. One can hope.

What A Day

Okay, I woke up so tired I went back to sleep this morning after getting Jordan up. It took until 11am before I got up to get Cassie to the ER. I didn't sleep well last night after being so tired. Guess I was over tired. It sucked because I did wanted to sleep.

I did finally get Cassie to the ER. We had to wait a little bit, but it wasn't that bad. She got put in ward D which is kinda the Fast Track, but we were still there for six hours so it wasn't that fast. But the good news is that they took blood, tested her urine, did an ultrasound and an x-ray of her abdomen. Nothing was wrong with her stomach, but it turns out she has a urinary tract infection. So now she has antibiotics and so does Jordan. LOL! I have to keep track of them both. That's going to be fun! LOL! I'm just glad that the nauseousness and vomiting wasn't something worse. I'll tell you Cassie and I were starving when we got out. Cassie had only had applesauce and all I'd had was my iced coffee. So ravenous is a good description of it.

Not being able to wait I stopped at Trader Joe's and we got cesare chicken wraps. While I was there I also picked up some baklava and s'more candies. Also picked up some sauce they were having a tasting of and it was soooooo good! It'll be great on rice and stirfry veggies! I was still hungry after that. LOL! We also had to stop at Albertson's to pick up stamps for my mom. While there I got some soda, orange blossom honey and nutella. Yeah, never go shopping when you're hungry. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I had Jordan take Cassie's prescription into the pharmacy and I went into Vons because I had promised him a 2 lt. of Pepsi the other day. He also asked for chips so I thought why not! Then while there, I saw a slice of cherry cheesecake . . . Yeah, I bought it and ate it. LOL! I think I'm finally full! But wow did I feel like I ate a lot. Jordan was happy with the chips too. He thought I'd get him a small drink because of them, but I said 2 lt. and in fact, the 2 lt. was cheaper!

Anyway, I have just played my games on Facebook, kinda watched Dirty Jobs and the kids have headed to bed. And I'm tired. Hope I sleep better tonight. There is some things off my mind like why Cassie was sick. But I'm also having her go to Saturday school to make up her absences. I will sign her up tomorrow. She isn't happy about it, but it's for the best. That and she needs to start staying after school for tutoring. She had a lot of schooling to make up for. I just want her to do well. I think she will. We just need to get her on the right path and I think Saturday school is a step in the right direction.

Also, the depression hasn't been so bad today either. I got some reading done. The Apprentice is a good book and I'm glad I have it. I think I'm getting more into my reading again. I just wish my writing would really come back. I just have to believe it will, I guess.

Okay, that's it. Time to take meds, watch the rest of Auction Kings and go to sleep.

Exhausted

Well, what can I say? I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up early to get Cassie to school. I went to the store to get some coffee creamer and while there Cassie calls from school to be picked up. Apparently she threw up again. I talked to the nurse, finished shopping and then picked up Cassie.

When we got home this guy was walking by and then came up to us to ask about Tim's car in the driveway. I was supposed to call Tim anyway to take him back up to UTC so I tell him about this guy and let him talk to him. Basically he wants to buy the car and he hung out until Tim got there. After that I took Tim up to UTC to his jeep and left. I came home for a bit. Went to Trader Joe's - wanted to try sunflower seed butter. Then I just came home, watched Shutter Island with Cassie and ate dinner. Nothing really much was going on today really. But I am so tired. I don't have the energy to do much of anything. I am thinking of taking Cassie to the ER in the morning so that they can run tests on her. She says she's feeling bad all over again. She had times today when she was feeling okay I think. But I guess it just doesn't last. It's time for someone to run tests since it's been over a week now. She has to get back to school.

I am so worried about Cassie's schooling. Not only that, her attendence is going to cause me to get less money from Welfare and that is going to be hard. I don't get enough money as it is! I don't know what I'll do. But it also seems like she just doesn't want to apply herself. I know I've been there too, but still. I still got decent grades. Cassie is failing most of her classes. I just kn0w I'm failing her. I don't want to. I know somehow I'll get this fixed but I just don't see how. At least Jordan is going to school and I hope his life is back on track.

Okay, I'm tired and I'm rambling. It's time to stop for now. I know I'll continue worrying, but it is just how I am. I just hope that I can keep it under control and not eventually flip out. Guess we'll see.

Trying for Everyday

Well, I am suppose to try to write in a journal every day. I don't always feel like I have much to say. Like now. Today was okay. I didn't want to wake up as usual. I didn't want to take my brother Tim up to the mall where his car was. Not for any particular reason. I was just having anxiety and I just didn't feel like going anyway. Ultimately I did and had Tim drive which worked out well actually. And listening to him talk actually was kind of relaxing in a weird way. But my brain felt like it was in a fog several times as I seemed to lose track of a comment here and there.

Another plus was being able to read. Last night I finished The Atlantis Code and today I'm reading The Apprentice. It's not as engaging as the other book, but it's good and I like the characters. Guess I'm getting back into reading again, which is something I have needed to do. I still feel frustrated that I can't write the way I used to, but I keep thinking it'll get better. I don't know. The one thing Tim did say about anxiety was that positive thinking would help it. At least, in his experience and he's right. But sometimes I just don't know how to be positive sometimes. I know another saying if fake it until you make it, but I'm not good hiding anxiety. It effects everything I do. It just sucks. The only thing that might help ease my anxiety a bit is that my period started. It's possible the hormones were making things worse. Guess we'll see what happens.

Other than that, there isn't much else. I spent time with Cassie on Facebook. Love my Happy Pets. Cassie let me adopt her hamster. I know it's funny to love this stuff so much, particular for a person that doesn't like games, but it's not really a game to me. It's just fun. That's my enjoyment, that and Cassie. Even spending time with Jordan. I feel like my depression and everything robs me of so much. But at least I have those moments. And I have to admit I miss Cassie a lot when she spends so much time with Jason and Susan, but I also know that she needs to be away from this house a part of the time to stay sane. This house with my mother will destroy the most hearty of spirits. LOL! Unfortunate, but true. And then it's not like Cassie and I do a lot together. The internet and Facebook seems to be what connects us the most these days. I love her and Jordan so much. A lot of times I think they deserve better than me, but I'm who they got.

Anyway, I think I am going to go take some advil for these god-awful cramps and see about heading to bed.

For someone who thought they didn't have a lot to say, I said a lot. :-P

It's been awhile

Well, what can I say? I have had a lot of ups and downs last year. Too many. Some things I'm still struggling with. I've also been blessed in some ways - like finally getting a laptop. Christmas was good. Had gifts for the kids when I thought I might not have anything. Then we had dinner with Jason and Susan at Susan's mom's place (Her mom was on vacation). It was a nice time, but I kept getting light-headed. Turned out the next day I found myself sick with a chest cold. It lasted all week and into the New Year. In fact, I still have a cough. It kind of sucks, but I think the cough is going to hang around for awhile. A bummer thing that happened was I got a denial letter from SSI. Thanks to Jason I now have a lawyer. They have a 95 percent success rate. But the bad news is it can take up to a year and a half. Of course, I'll get retro-active money, which will be nice. I'll have a little money. But that's off in the future.

New Year's was fun. Had Cassie, Paige and Katie Belle at Jason and Susan's apartment where I was house/cat sitting. The girls did my make-up as each other's. They dressed up nice. At midnight they went outside with silly string and made lots of noise. It was great. Then we had sparkling cider. Yum! I got some nice pix and Cassie did too, only we can't find her camera now, which is very bad.

My biggest problem at the moment is the fact I'm having massive anxiety. At first I wasn't sure what was causing it. I still don't know exactly why it started, but I know why it's getting worse at the moment. My mom from welfare is going to be cut because of all the school Cassie missed. I haven't sent the paperwork in, but that's what they said would happen. I can't exactly claim ignorance, though I should be able to, but you know how the government is. It's no excuse. Blah, blah, blah. But the anxiety is reaching fever pitch. I don't know what I'm going to do if it continues. As it is, I went to the ER once because I was out of ativan and can't get anymore for a few more days, but even those aren't helping much and tonight the anxiety is bad enough to make me want to cut. I haven't and I'm fighting the urge, but it's there. I haven't told anyone but I find the older I get the less I share. I don't know why. Maybe I just don't want to burden everyone or maybe I'm just ashamed to be that way. What people don't understand is the momentary relief the cutting gives. It's hard to explain. But I actually have thought about going back to the ER for this. I suppose it depends on how bad the urge gets. I just hope it doesn't get much worse.

As for the money, there isn't much I can do about it. What happens happens, but I can't help worrying. How will I pay rent? How will I afford the things I need? And it doesn't help that my mind tells me what a loser I am. How I'm a horrible parent. How I have failed as a parent. That I'm a waste of space . . . And as if that's not bad enough, I'm still not writing much. My passion continues to wither more than it appears and it feels as if it's gone for good. I don't want to believe that, but it's like my mind is constantly in a cloud or fog and I just can't concentrate anymore. I used to still be able to write when I was depressed, but no longer. What happened to me? I keep hoping this year will be better, but I can't say it's started off that way. Not that anything devistating has happened, but to feel the way I feel sucks and I hope it's not a precedence to what's to come.