Adventures of the Week

What can I say? This has been a long week. But I can say it's been productive in one way or another. I still feel the blahs and I hate it. I don't know if it's the medication or what, but I HATE it. I remember when Jason used to say to me that he just didn't feel like himself and that he just wanted to be himself again while he was in his depression. Well, I'm just the same now. Only difference is I'm actively trying to do something about it. The problem is, I think what I'm doing isn't helping. In fact, it might be keeping me this way and I'm about ready to just stop the medication I think it is and see if that doesn't fix the problem (no I am not going off my mood stabilizer - I would NEVER do that purposely). But I don't know. I'll play it by ear at the moment. After all, I see my pdoc on Oct. 16th again. I just don't know if I'm willing to wait that long.

Anyway, Jordan got his wisdom teeth removed this week too. I knew he had a lot going on with his teeth, but the one thing that we could get done now was the wisdom teeth. I can say that he has coped much better than I did. It's maybe three days later and he's eating. He's still swollen - he has the chipmunk look - but he's doing good. I'm very glad.

I kind of worried myself sick before hand. It wasn't like I tried to do this, but my mind came up with all kinds of worst case senarios on what might happen. I was never more relieved than when they told me they were done. Because of the medication they gave him he has gaps in his memory (after he woke up that is). He came in that night to get some medication from me and asked me how he'd gotten home!! LOL! He also didn't remember writing questions for me, since he wasn't supposed to talk right after the extraction. I showed him the notes later and he got a kick out of it. Either way, I'm just glad he's okay and recouping well!

This weekend should be an interesting one. Katie is coming over to spend the weekend with Cassie. Of course, Cassie has chores and Katie being the sweetie she is, will help Cassie with them.

The one thing I have done this week is start a schedule again. I mean not a totally ridged schedule, but one with a list of things that should be accomplished every day. So far so good. Most of it is getting done, but there are a couple of things that haven't gotten done. Still, most is good. I have been writing out schedules though for the last two days or so and so far so good. I'm almost a the month mark and I'll just keep going to get ahead. Still, it gets a bit monotonous after awhile, but it'll be worth it in the end when I have the schedule out and not have to worry about it.

Well, guess that's it for now - until the next exciting adventures of my life occur! LOL!

Reversal of Fortune

I suppose I should have expected it. It's how life is for someone like me. Actually for people who are bipolar. You can be up and then you can be down and I am majorly down and it's just getting worse. I'm to the point where I really want to cut on myself again. I haven't but I want to. I want to hurt myself bad and I can't tell anyone. Not too many people understand that I know because they haven't experienced it. But this pull, especially when I'm made to feel like the most horrible of people.

I am the first to admit that I'm not perfect. I'm not. In fact, I'm way off the mark, but I was starting to believe I was at least a good person and that trying meant something. But it doesn't. Guess I am still a horrible parent. I haven't taken Jordan to the dentist yet and I know that he needs to go. He has a bad cavity, but not only do I not know where to call - which I planned to call around Monday, but I have trouble with transportation. IF I had a car and could drive myself I could have had him there already. However, I'm reliant on other people or more or less one person for day appointments and he's going through his own stuff. I had already asked him to take me two places last week and couldn't ask another and on top of that, Jordan wasn't in horrible pain. Apparently today he's in tons of pain - the first time in a week. I TRY to be a good parent. It's just me. I have no money, no transportation and I try to do what I can, but apparently it's not good enough for some of the people who are "friends". They think they would be so much better at raising my kids. Maybe they would be. Maybe I should just kill myself, leave them the kids and see what they can do. I am just tired of being made to feel like crap when I do what I can. I am NOT the model mother. I never claimed to be, but I am judged with every fucking thing I do or don't do even by the people I call friends. How right is that? I haven't judged them! They don't have kids to raise! They live by themselves! And even if they did have my kids, there are TWO of them! ONE OF ME!

Maybe this is just a pity party. I don't know. I don't care. But I do know I feel like shit. That I wish I could cut up my arms and I could if I wanted. I keep my razor nearby even if I haven't cut in a year and a half. I just want the pain to stop. I want to stop being made to feel like a horrible, terrible person. I want people to understand I do what I can and I want people to fucking stop judging me! Maybe I will give in and cut on myself. Maybe it's just not worth fighting anymore. I don't know. I hate me, I hate everyone . . . except my kids. The rest of the world can go to hell in a handbasket for all I care right now. I just want the pain to END!!

So much for when I was actually happy. It seems that time has come and gone and who knows if it'll be back again.

A Cause for Hope

Well, today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist or what I refer to as my pdoc. I think a lot of what's turned my world gray was the Abilify. I haven't taken it for the last two days and already life seems like it has a little bit more color so it comes down to getting off the Abilify and trying something else. In this case, it's a medication called Invega. I haven't heard of it before and will probably do some research, but all in all, I am hopefully. The only thing I worry about is it keeping my world gray. I really need to have that stop. I need my life back - most stable, but more colorful. I need my imagination and creativity. AND if all goes well and I'm still depressed, my pdoc might be adding a smidge of an anti-depressant and see if that helps the rest of the way - either Paxil or Lexapro. I haven't tried the later. I tried the Paxil, but I don't remember if it did anything for me or gave me adverse effects or what. But with luck, it will all work and I will be a better me and be able to get back to my writing. I'm just not me if I can't write.

Anyway, that's the game plan for now - stop the Ability, start the Invega and maybe add Paxil or Lexapro in a month. We'll see what happens!

You Reap What You Sow

(My Ex Friend on the Left me on the Right)

It's karmic really. What you put out to the universe will come back to you three-fold. I have always believed in what comes around goes around and have tried to live in a way that I won't have stuff come back to me.

Anyway, I was just looking up the status of this woman who'd been a friend of mine. We'd known each other a long time - since I was 12 years old. But the friendship was always rocky. Friends, then not friends and then friends again. As we got older, we lost touch and then I found her and we started being friends again. Well, that was fine and dandy. It went well for a long time until her book. I'm a writer as everyone knows, and most people know this story anyway, but I'll go through it again. She wanted me to write her book for her. At first I had taken it on as a side project. After all, I have my own books to write and really I wasn't supposed to have to write it for her, but her writing is like a junior high kid or less so it really came down to writing the book for her and it was just a project. She called me constantly. Got jealous when I finished my projects and worked on another. But it wasn't my book. It was hers. She was the one with a passion for it and I told her that it wasn't my top priority. But she pushed and pushed and burnt me out on it so much that I just had to drop the project. I tried to be nice about it (though I also found out she was abusing her kids over the computer), but that wasn't acceptable. I became the devil spawn because I decided not to work on her book anymore and she turned on me in a BIG way. She likes to say it wasn't because of the book, but when it comes down to it, that's exactly what it was about.

Anyway, now that I've gone through the story, it's time to get back to the status I found for her. She says she feels like everyone has turned their backs on her again. After so long, wouldn't a normal person ask themselves why?? I mean, this has happened for years on and off with different friends. Not just me. She just managed to upset other people in her lives and they've turned their backs on her. The sad thing is, I didn't turn my back on her. She turned her back on me. Even now, if she called me, I'd take her call. There are some things that haven't passed under the bridge yet, but I don't just turn my back, as she puts it. Still, it comes down again to what you put out to the universe will come back to you. You will reap what you sow . . . If people have turned their backs on you again, maybe there is a reason to be found in yourself.

Cassie's First School Project for 6th Grade

Just a short little entry. Cassie got her first homework assignment last Thursday. It was simply a poster about herself - her likes, family, friends, dislikes, pets . . . It turned out pretty good, I think, though trying to run off the pix was a nightmare. It should have taken maybe half an hour at the most, but because of the issues of getting the pix it was more like two hours. But it got done, turned out pretty good and the teacher liked it! Surprisingly enough, it was the Math teacher that wanted this project and not the English teacher. He just wanted to get to know his students better! Anyway, I think she did good!

Labor Day was REALLY Labor Day!

The kids and I went to Jason and Susan's on Labor Day for a BBQ - Susan's birthday was on the 5th so we were getting together for that too. The BBQ was great! Teriyaki chicken and steak this time! Mmmmm! Though I think I like Jason's regular BBQ better for his chicken, but this was still fabulous. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water! LOL!

Anyway, I gave Susan her gift - it was a candle and I know she loves candles. It was the best smelling one of its kind that I could find at the time. I'm just glad she liked it - apple spice.

Then, pour Lilly - one of their cats. She seemed as if she had been pregnant forever and she was huge!! We kept waiting for her to have her babies, but it just seemed like it wasn't ever going to happen and we started to wonder if she was past her due date or something. She just couldn't get much bigger, we thought.

Well, Lilly started acting a little funny, panting hard, grooming herself . . . she was in labor!! But the weirdo that she is, she didn't find a place to nest and like the first time, had one of the kittens and then left it. I immediately got a towel and held it, keeping it warm. She then didn't have another before we went home, but when we were pretty sure she was calm, we gave her the baby back and immediately she took it and found a place to have the rest of her kittens. She is such a strange cat! LOL! But at least they were born. She had a total of five and are all totally cute. What's funny too, is Lilly decided that it was a good idea to take the kittens and hide them behind the TV! LOL! Not sure if she moved them again, but I wouldn't be surprised. She couldn't even settle on a place to have the babies! At least all of them!

I'm just glad she finally had them!

Summer Frustration

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) as one of the many things wrong with me, only like the usual, I don't follow the norm. Most people get this during the winter when the sunlight gets less and all that fun stuff. For me, it's the opposite. The heat of summer is enough to send me into a depression. I hate summer. I hate heat. I think the only reason I loved summer as a kid was because there was no school and we had a pool in the backyard which is no longer there. Not sure I could have gotten in and out of it anyway now. But still . . . that and I think kids just tolerate heat better than adults. It's like how kids can handle fevers and adults just can't. I don't know.

Anyway, for the last month at least, I've had depression symptoms and it's blown up into full on depression. I am having trouble concentrating. I don't want to really talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. It's shutting me down and I HATE it. I can't even write!! My brain won't work for that either and I want to work on my fourth book and finish it. Then I worry that this will last forever, even though I know things change all the time. Nothing stays the same. But it's the "what if's" that paralyze me. What if my writing skills and desire or imagination don't come back? What if my book gets accepted by an agent only they want me to make edits and I can't. What if I get kicked out of my home because my mother dies? What if, what if, what if . . . It's holding me back as well, which is all part of the depression. I haven't even wanted to write to Ron, my Aussie! ;-) But I finally did that today and explained a little of what was going on - the good, the bad and the ugly! LOL! I don't know how to force myself to write. If I do force myself, it comes out like crap anyway. I just feel like my hands are tied and I am stuck in mud . . . really thick, icky mud.

I can say that I watched the rest of Season 3 of Dexter and enjoyed that and just got the first season of Leverage and watched the first disc and enjoyed that too.

Of course, now I get bad news. Jason is in a crap mood so I'm not going to be able to go over. Makes me want to cry. I was so looking forward to it, you know? Ah well . . . Now I just have to figure out what to have for dinner. I have no idea. And today was supposed to be for Susan, not for him. But whatever, it is what it is.

At least on a brighter note, I got to chat with my Aussie and boy did I need that. Even with as sad as I am about Jason, at least I have him to lean on. I love him. Even when I feel the way I do and seem to be numb to so much, I love him. I know I do. He has been there for me. He knows I'm struggling with depression and he's there for me. He lets me know how special I am and won't let me forget it when we chat. I am going to meet him one day in person. It's going to happen. I know it will. But for now, I just have to hold on and ride out this depression. Not like I have a choice, but it makes it better knowing he's there for me.

Maybe every dark cloud does have a silver lining.

And this is the beginning of the month??

Well, what can I say? The heat is still here hovering around 100 and making everyone miserable. We can't run central air because it costs too much, so we just die from heat. Fun, huh??

That's been the big bummer, but I do have other things on my mind that are also a bit more pressing. My kids' paternal grandmother - Linda - is NOT well. She broke her leg in three places a couple of months ago and has been in the hospital. That's bad enough, but she's a heafty girl, like me! Well, that doesn't work well. She can't get up, can't use the bathroom by herself. On top of that, she has pneumonia and some kind of virus so she's in isolation. Before that she was in the ICU because her kidneys shut down. Guess they were able to put that in remission somehow. Anyway, she just sounds so tired. Roger is in Nevada because that's where they were moving. He comes back to see her, I guess, but no one else really can or has. I can't. Not only is she too far away, but I don't have a car of I'd arrange a day trip!! But everytime I talk to her I get this horrible feeling that she's not going to make it . . . that just because of this stupid broken leg that she won't make it out of the hospital alive. I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do. Maybe it just reminds me too much of my dad when he was sliding downhill fast. I just wish I could do something . . . see her . . . something! I can't even afford to send flowers! Not that I know what hospital she's in. I just hate to think of her there alone.

Then as if THAT'S not enough to contend with, Greg's mother just had a major stroke today. The next 24 hours they'll know how bad. She'll either live or die. He's already a wreck. I can't even imagine what he's going to be like in and when she passes. I hope she doesn't pass away. I don't think he could handle it. I mean, it's bad enough she had a stroke. But I don't know . . . All I can do is be there and be a friend.

Some good stuff though! Cassie got her hair cut!! She got it cut short! :-) I was kind of worried, but she looks cute with the style she got. Then I got her school supplies - or most of them. I still have things to pick up yet and was going to do that shopping today until Greg's mom . . . But he said he might take us because he'll want something to get his mind off his mom for awhile. It would work, you know? His mind would be occupied by my stuff and I'd be able to get the last minute shopping done that I need to do. Then Sunday Cassie is going to get her hair colored again to this beautiful golden blonde. It's so pretty. Everyone loved the color, but her roots are showing now so it's time to redo!

Cassie also went to her school orientation Yesterday. She got her PE clothes, a lock and school planner. Plus the list of what she'd need. We got just about everything! Yay! But I think her going was a great thing. She's not afraid of going to middle school now and I think at first she was. But she met up with her friends and they had fun running all over the school - which gets her to know where what class room is where! So I think by the time Tuesday rolls around, she'll be ready! I can't believe my baby is going into Middle School! Wow . . .

Well, guess that's an update. I need to get out of this room soon or I might die of the heat. It's not as high as it was, but it's high enough. All I can say is, what a start to the month!