Anxiety Galore

You know, I KNOW I made the right decision. But yesterday Greg kept trying to change my mind. He is DESPERATE! I just can't deal with it, but it has gotten to the point where I shut off the cell phone because I just don't want to talk to him. I don't want to get texts from him. It's not that I hate him. I just don't want to be pushed into trying to be with him again and being just friends isn't going to work for either of us because I know he's always going to want more and I will never be able to meet his needs. But my anxiety is getting to the point where I look at the phone and I get an anxiety attack. I hear loud music and a car pull up, I think it's him and it has NOTHING to do with him hurting me. I just don't want to deal with him anymore. I don't hate him. I just want it over and I don't want to hurt him anymore and I don't want him to trying to push me into being with him. I have already said no I don't know how many times and given how many reason and done it over and over again . . . It just doesn't sink in. He is so afraid of being alone and without me. It's no wonder he had psycho . . . He is so needy. To be honest, he needs someone needy . . . like he is . . . just not as psychotic. I just don't need him the way he needs me. He has NO other friends and I can't deal with that. It's like I am all he has and he needs to be able to make new friends. I have told him this before . . . He has to get and make new friends. I can't be the center of his universe - especially when I'm the only one in it!!

But this anxiety is getting bad. It's actually creeping into my dreams. Last night I had nothing but anxiety dreams over and over again. I don't remember much except that there was a lot of anxiety. It faded as I woke up with gritty eyes. Its to the point where I feel sick to my stomach . . . Not like nauseous, but like someone socked me in the stomach, you know?

Anyway, time to start getting ready for therapy and heading to Jason and Susan's . . . Hopefully the anxiety will ease . . . but who knows . . .

Thanksgiving Day!

Well, it was a pretty good Thanksgiving. The food was excellent! Everyone got along! LOL! Trust me, that's a miracle! It's usually like mixing oil and water . . . or fire and gasoline! LOL! That might be a better term for it some times! But all in all it was a really nice day! I haven't even had pie yet and I am sooooo full! The turkey was nice and moist. Sometimes when my mother cooks turky it dries out - or at least the breast meat does. Then she made extra stuffing, mashed potatoes, her great gravy! Diana made green beans - fresh ones with onions and bacon. Not sure the kids liked it too much! LOL! Then she also make sweet potatoes and OMG!! They were so good! That and the homemade cranberry sauce! I could have eaten all of it myself, but my brother Tim got to it before I could and took it home! LOL! That's okay. Apparently Diana will make more and that works for me!

Anyway, I guess it's true what they say about turkey day. I am exhausted! Poor Cassie, though . . . she got up long enough to eat and then she went back to sleep. She's not feeling very good, but it could be from the flu shot she got. Mine's been hurting too. But she got hers way before I got mine . . . Maybe it's just a mild virus or she's just overtired. We'll find out tomorrow for sure.But Diana also wasn't feeling that good today, so she went up to her room to lay down early. Maybe that's what made things a little more peaceful! LOL!

But it was a good holiday! Gives me hope for Christmas with the same family! I REALLY REALLY hope THAT holiday comes out good too.

Finally Over

I finally told Greg we were over. I know he was upset and hurt. He didn't see it coming at all. Personally, I don't know how he couldn't see it. Anyway, I explained over and over again the same thing and it doesn't really make a difference. He is willing to beg and manipulate to try to get me to stay with him . . . Trying to threaten suicide (without saying those exact words; ie "If ia make it through this" "If I'm not dead."). And you know, some of it isn't even him. I just don't think I am good at relationships. I think that being married to an abusive ass for 10 years has really just left me so apart from being able to feel true love for a man that it's just not worth it to potentially hurt someone else and it will save myself the aggravation. Maybe that's mean and selfish to say, but I need more stability than he can provide me and maybe no one can give that to me other than myself. And he needed more affection than I could give him given my circumstances. Personally, I told him before that I couldn't be his end all, be all; that he needed to get some more friends and yet I am still his only friend. This is after like a year! Maybe more! He wants me to be his everything and I just can't. No one should be placed in that position. Anyway, he was a sweet guy. This isn't for him being an asshole or anything. I just am done. I need quiet and less stress. I am finally thinking seriously about my writing again and to help me start sending my manuscript out Jason and Susan are getting me "Writers Market 2009" and it will give me all the addresses of publishers, what they publish and how to submit! And I am READY to do that! I can't wait anymore. If I am going to become an author and be serious about it, I have to take the next step. The first step was finishing my first book. I've finished three now and am halfway done with the fourth. So it's time to see if I can't get published. It's what I want . . . what I need for me. And maybe I will feel like the person I should have been . . . It will certainly be the fulfillment of a dream. The crazy thing is, right now I feel completely numb. My mind is just working on what I need to do. There is no real thought to how I will feel. There is just nothing and I HATE to feel this way. Of course, other times this week I have felt so much that I wanted to start cutting on myself . . . I haven't obviously . . . but it's the extra stress and he doesn't understand why . . .

Okay, I am talking in circles and it's time for me to stop for now. But I will say that it's finally over. It's honestly for the best and I need my space. I am just sorry he had to be hurt . . .

Jordan's 17th Birthday Party Pix

On a Brighter Note - Pix from My Daughter's 11th Birthday Party