Well, today was kind of off-putting. Last night I didn't sleep the way I thought or had hoped. I even went and bought some benedryl, only to remember too late that it gives me restless legs. So in the end, I was soooooo tired, but I couldn't sleep because of my legs. I had to have Jordan pound on them. Ugh! Then because of the benedryl I was so tired I slept and slept. I woke up finally around 3pm and decided that I just need to stay up all night and all day tomorrow and hopefully sleep at a normal time and wake up relatively normal on Tuesday. We'll see. That was the first thing.
Then I am still missing Cassie. I will always miss her when she's not around. I just feel like I can't have my daughter here because of my mother. I worry that the woman will destroy my daughter the way she destroyed me. Maybe that's not entirely fair since I am an adult, but so much damage has been done since childhood that I just don't have the strength to keep fighting. Each day is hard enough dealing with what I deal with and it's not much.
Then, I decide to check Cafemom. I haven't been on there for awhile and to my surprise someone who was an aspiring author just set up an author fan page. She's an author now . . . her next book she's working on and it just depressed me. I'm happy for her but I'm jealous too. Why can't it be me, you know? I just don't believe in myself anymore. As if anything else could make me feel any worse it just dorve home to me how much I just don't trust myself anymore. I haven't done anymore writing since the other day. I don't know why. Maybe it's just that depression coming back way stronger than usual. I mean, I thought I was finally getting a handle on things.
Guess not . . .
And now I'm back to just being depresssed, wanting to cry . . . feeling alone and lonely. And really, my loneliness is due to missing Cassie. Guess I know who my best friend really was . . . or well . . . Cassie is just such a part of my heart and to not be near her is like having half my missing. It sucks.
So my writing is gone, I can't sleep when I want, and my daughter is gone . . . I'm doing great . . . yeah . . . just great . . . I guess I just really want to give up and die. Part of me really wishes I were dead. I don't want to be or I don't want to feel this way, but I do. It's hard to feel like this all the time. AND I might not get any money next month because I got my QR7 in late or something was missing. I have to call tomorrow. Or they might cut my money because of all the days Cassie has missed at school. I just won't know. It's just something else I don't want to have to deal with. I hate my life. I just kinda wish I'd never been born. If nothing else my kids deserved a lot better than their father and I.
Okay, I have to stop or I'm just going to keep crying as I type. As always I'm tired. But I won't sleep tonight. I'm starting to wonder if I need to go to the hospital thought. I'll give it another day or two maybe and see how I do. If this keeps up, I don't know . . .
