I don't know if I should cry, scream or just go to sleep. It seems like I have been on edge anyway. Nothing was going right for awhile, after everything had been right for awhile. It's strange how the other shoe always has to drop. I can feel all these stupid emotions swirling all around me and yet it doesn't matter. I can't control them. I can control what others see, but I can't control what I feel inside and it's been everything from irritation to anger, to emotional and physical pain.
The only real bright spot in my life is a man I love and who loves me who is married and lives half way around the world. Okay, not the best of relationships, but it's not exactly like we're going to meet - at least not any time soon.
But the events have played out a bit like this - Jason texted me Saturday morning with some crap about Cassie. When I fired back at him with a couple of things - not being nasty, just being hurt - he shoots off at me with some nasty things that hit me hard. It just brought up a lot of past trauma that has been happening since I was a kid where I was just a worthless human being. I still struggle with my self-worth, though I no longer think of myself as a bad person. I just still don't have a lot of worth in my eyes. And of course, because he was already angry (before he texted me) he lashed out and hit way below the belt. I wouldn't talk to him for Susan for the whole day and spent it crying on and off. It's difficult for a woman that hates to cry, to actually do that. It makes one feel vulnerable and out of control and feeling a lot of pain. Anyway, then I let my friend Greg over to spend the night. I thought maybe I'd be able to get some sleep eventually, but he shook, talked and woke up so much that I COULDN'T sleep until he was gone. Then I got a few hours. Even the next day, though I was talking to Jason again, I still spent a lot of time crying and I'm even feeling it now, though only because I'm thinking of the event. That's how bad it got to him . . .
If that had just been it, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But then Sunday night when Cassie gets home from spending the night with Jennifer and then going fishing that day - where she caught a 4.2 lb Bass that she had to release which was a major Highlight for her, she managed to slam her wrist in the bedroom door. Still not sure how it happens, but I've had things like that happen to me too on very rare occasions. Well, she was in pain. I tried helping her ice the area. My mother let her borrow a splint for the night and a nightgown since my daughter only really has PJs. I also gave her some advil. She practically cried herself to sleep. When it was still hurting the next morning, I knew it needed to be X-rayed to make sure it wasn't fractured. I knew it wasn't broke, but I thought a fracture might be possible, though I had hoped not. So off to the ER. Well, good news, there was no fracture at all. She had just managed to traumatize the tissue so they gave her a split, which is already falling apart - how cheap - and they also gave her tylenol with Codine. She's had two of them and I'm not sure I like them because they make her very emotional and last night it brought up some very bad feelings. She still has a lot of pain and anger revolving about her repeated molestation. Therapy apparently didn't help much so I'm going to talk to my therapist about what I can do to help her. I really just don't know. I'm a bit close to the events too. I have a lot of my own anger issues to work through, though certainly not nearly the same as my daughters.
But with the hospital, Greg was supposed to pick us up as soon as we discharged before he saw his mother. That's was fine and dandy, only he took 45 minutes to get there and it should have only taken him 20 at the most. So we sat down on concrete all that time waiting for him. She had been given tylenol with codine in the hospital already and was tired and grouchy. Well, Greg FINALLY got there. He parked and went to go see his mom. No big deal and I knew he was going to be awhile. But OMG!! That van was so uncomfortable since I was tired too. Cassie had no problem crashing in the backseat, but I just couldn't get comfortable at all and did a lot of stretching and moving around. By the time he got there, we had to get Cassie's medicine. I had to stop home for something, I ended not being able to find and then went to walmart. I was on my feet for hours there. It was fun up until the point that my back and body really started aching.
Between last night and today, I can't remember the last time my body hurt this much. Then today I was invited over to dinner at Jason and Susan's. As I said - weekend over. Greg took us there. Was supposed to come back to pick us up since he couldn't be there for dinner . . . But as it got later and I couldn't reach him Susan was going to take us home. However, what pushed us into going home the most was Cassie's "friend" Katie and I use that term loosely. I don't know exactly what happened. The story is incomplete on both sides, but either way, it doesn't matter. Katie doesn't have a mark on her and Cassie has a HUGE scratch mark down her face! I am HORRIFIED and PISSED over there. I told Cassie, I don't care if you want to make up with her later, it's not happening this time. I'm putting my foot down. PERIOD. Plus, Katie has stolen toys from Cassie and on occasion just helps herself to candy and things that belong to other people. Anyway, it's been nothing but drama when it comes to this girl and for the most part, I thought she was a sweet kid, but there has been more than this one instance when things have gone very wrong. And regardless of ANYTHING else, those two bring out the WORST in each other and need to stay away from each other anyway.
It just seems like things just keep getting worse.
It sucks, but I guess that's life.
