Writing, Writing, Writing . . .

Okay, I'm trying this new version of Blogger and so far I guess it's good. It's just a matter of getting used to it. But it goes look kinda cool.

Anyway, today was an okay day. I took too much ativan last night and I just couldn't wake up today. I was tired and every time I went to wake up, I slipped right back to sleep. Finally about 3:30pm I woke up. It took me a bit, but I did and I got coffee and I had some of these beans my mom fixed. They were good! SO good that I had more for dinner!

I really haven't gone much today either. I worked on my "Jason Bourne" story and I actually FINISHED it! I'm not sure how good it was since I was just sort of trying to write it and get it done, but I think it came out good. I won't really know until someone comments about it. But I think that's going to be my last short story for awhile. Now I'm going to focus back on my book. I really need to get to the edits. I think I'm going to try to put down a time I need to work on it. I'm just trying to decide if I should just put a time limit on how much I'm going to do or if I should just state how many chapters at a time to edit. I suppose I'll let that soak in for awhile and see how that goes. But I need to get serious. I keep saying it and now it's time for me to actually do it. Tomorrow I start doing some editing. I also joined another Cafemom group today. This one is for writing. It's called "The Aspiring Authors Society." I think it will be good because I can be accountable for my work. Even if I don't share it I can still get help and encouragement for sticking on track. I think once I'm done with the editing, I'm going to see about getting help writing a query letter. I also need to find out what kind of style I need to use to send. Do I use tabs? Do I make the spaces bigger between paragraphs? I just want to move forward and I really, really, really hope that these guys can help me stay motivated and optimistic even when I get rejections. I KNOW I can get published. It's just a matter of time.

Anyway, needless to say I've been online most of the day. I haven't even gotten dressed! LOL! But since I finished that one story of mine, I'm pretty happy. I also talked to Cassie tonight briefly. I told her I'd get her her backpack for school. I think she would have been more excited had she not been distracted. She was texting someone else. LOL! I just hope her transition home is an easy one. I really do kind of dread it. I just want her to be happy, but I will try to do what I can to help her. That means I have to get off my ass more often to do things with her. Maybe I'll be fixing dinner. Maybe I could do a stir fry? Of course, I don't think Jordan would care for it much. But I'm trying to get ideas. As it is, I'm going to have to buy LOTS of Yoplait yogurt. If she wants to eat healthy I will try to do my best. I even worked out a shopping list and I think I got everything on it. It will go down to the wire and I won't be able to eat out at all. I might not even have enough for any sodas. I suppose I'll have to deal with it myself after that - buy 2 lt. of Diet Dr. Pepper, keep my McDonald's cups, fill with ice and soda and voila! I have my drink. It's going to suck to be broke again. 

Karissa has been really cute. She's been meowing all day. I gave her treats, but she was a little hungry. I needed Jordan to get her bag of food from the car. As soon as she ate a bit, she just slept in the window for awhile. Now she's sleeping in a kitty ball almost behind me now. I even saw her paws twitching. It was so cute and awesome. I love my kitty! I'm also watching "Ghost Hunters" who are investigating this manor that was a hospital. So far it's been kind of interesting. I have been half watching, but it's been cool! The doggie reacted to a few places. They heard banging on this huge metal door that they couldn't replicate. Flash lights going on and off! It's definitely cool. If I were thinner it's something I'd like to do! Hunting for ghosts would be interesting.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Tomorrow I go back to my book. I'll figure out if I want to edit for so long or get through so many chapters. I just don't know which will work best. I guess it'll be trail and error. But either way I'll be moving forward and THAT is what's important!

Shopping and Writing And Billy the Exterminator!

Well, my mom was going to wake me up at 10:00am but instead she let me sleep until 1:00pm. She said I was snoring and she didn't want to wake me. I was tired because I didn't fall asleep until about 5:00am. But either way, I got enough sleep and though it took me a few to actually get up and get going, I did. I got up, took my meds, picked some clothes from the closet and then made my coffee. My mom wanted me to take her a couple of places so I was ready. I just made sure I had my books and schedule. I need to keep it up to date and I haven't done that really. And it's good to keep a schedule book! I have appointments that I need to add to my book anyway.

Anyway, first I took my mom to the bank. Then we came back to get the handicap placard in case we needed it. But it turned out we didn't. We went to CVS Pharmacy for medications and got a decent spot and then we went to Walmart and found a good spot. I helped my mom grab some stuff that she wanted, including hair coloring for me, which was cool. They didn't have my usual color though and not sure how this one will look. I just hope it looks good too. I think it will. I also was supposed to get some bologna and there wasn't ANY!! I mean, the whole shelf was just EMPTY! I was kind of ticked. I think if I do food shopping next month I'll go to Santee. Hopefully they'll be stocked with everything I'll need.

But anyway, my mom gave me some money to go to McDonald's. I saw the 2 Big Macs for $4. But I didn't just want to order two unless my mom said yes. The coffee I had kind of stunted my appetite anyway so I wasn't starving. I settled for my Diet Dr. Pepper. Then I took a seat and read some of "The Sheik and the Christmas Bride." It's a good book! Though I think after I read it I'm going to go back to "Passion." I just hate that the next book won't come out until next year. It makes it hard to want to read it all at once. But I will.

I do get to start thinking about school supplies and I'm really dreading when Cassie has to come home - more because of Jason than Cassie. Either way, school is starting in a week. It's hard to believe summer's over or just about over. Cassie will be in 8th grade. Her last year in middle school. I just hope it goes relatively smoothly. I know Cassie won't be happy, but maybe we can all get back to a happy medium though I'm not going to hold my breath.

Karissa has been a bit of a pain tonight. LOL! She keeps jumping on the dresser and knocking stuff off because she smells her treats there. Even when she doesn't smell them there, she thinks they're there! LOL! What a twit-cat. :-D I love my baby.

I also worked more on my "Jason Bourne" story.I wrote about three pages today, give or take and it was all about making love. I just need to figure out the next part of the story. I know part of where it's going, but I just haven't figured out the next part. Maybe have Jason try to talk her out of going after Paul and let someone else handle it. It could spark an argument. Could cause her to go after Paul. Well, we'll see. 

Anyway, I guess that's it. I watched "Billy the Exterminator" which was awesome. They had this woman from "Good Morning America" came to catch gators with them. They caught three! Releasing them was fun! :-P Then they went to a waterpark and caught a racoon and caught/saved a possum that had run into the lazy river and couldn't get out. Billy just jumped in and scooped him up with a trap. It was awesome!!

Okay, I am going to take my meds, plot more of my story and go to sleep. Time for Jordan to take the computer. :-D

  

Stories and Poetry

Today was a bit better. I have been having anxiety and I think I still am having depression, but I don't feel too terrible. I was able to write some poetry. All three were dark. I wrote more on my "Jason Bourne" story. I'm on page 6 and I have a ways to go. It's been good to write everyday and really enjoy it for the most part. I pushed too much today. I stopped at a place I should be able to pick up easily enough tomorrow. It's at one of the love making scenes. :-D

Anyway, I spent most of the day writing. Between the "Jason Bourne" story and the poetry it kept me busy. I also posted the poems on Cafemom on "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" "The Poetry Garden," AND "FANtastic Writers."

My mom was nice and got us McDonald's for dinner. I had two McChicken sandwiches and a soda. Oh and Jordan and I shared a large fries. I drank my soda pretty fast, but it was a HOT day today. It was so hot that my mom actually turned on the air conditioning. When my mom breaks down and put on the A/C then you KNOW it's hot.

I have also been watching TV. There was some great episodes on tonight. "Eureka" was awesome. The relationship auditor came back to listen to the appeal. He got zapped by some device that had Jack's memories in it and started acting out past events Jack had done. Zane, Fargo and his new girlfriend (can't remember her name) are going to Titan. Grace and Alison were able to wipe the auditor's short term memory, but as a happy side effect, he said that Jack and Alison were perfect together. I LOVED this episode!

"The Closer" was good too. It dealt with a cartel, the money man for the cartel, an attempt on the life of a DA and and of course, Brenda Lee's lawyer comes and interviews her team. No one has found the leak, but who knows. Next week's episode should be interesting.

"Rizzoli and Isles" was also great. The best thing about the episode is that we got to see the love of Maura's life. The murder mystery ended up involving heroin and a kidnapping. It all worked out.

Now I'm going to run to the store for a snack before taking my meds and go to sleep. Tomorrow should be a better day, I hope. What I do hate is my anxiety level though. It's still high and that sucks. There might be more poetry to come. We'll see.

My Concentration is Waning

I slept and slept again. I slept through yesterday, I guess. I just didn't want to wake up. Jason and his crap . . . but all in all, I guess I'm over it. I'm glad that my "Michael" story went over so well! I also started another story today, but I'm still trying to sort some stuff out. It has Jason Bourne in it. I thought I would bring in some serious drama with my Kira Storm character. So far I have him stopping her from killing her target Paul whittaker. I figured I'd bring in the rape as a girl. The scars all over her body and the initials carved into her back. I just figured I'd get more dramatic. It's been awhile since I wrote one of my assassin characters. So that's my next story.

Anyway, I didn't do much today at all. I slept and it was so hot it was horrible. I re-read over my story for "Michael" again and just enjoyed the praise. Then I read the rest of the story that Angel's been writing. I hate to say it, but it's kinda like something I would have written as a teenager. But it's just a fantasy so who cares. But I haven't had so much fun just writing in a long time. Though I think after this one I'll take a little bit of a break. Go back to more of my serious works.

Well, whatelse can I say? It was hot and miserable today. I watched TV today, but I can't tell you exactly what I watched except for "Tanked" and "THe Glades." My mom heated up spaghetti for Jordan and I. She even gave us ice cream. That was nice, considering she was upset about Jordan not raking or sweeping or anything. He should rake, but he's a pain in the ass about it. However, it was way too hot to do anything today really.

I'm actually a little hungry at the moment. I might see what's in the fridge.Tomorrow I have got to pull myself together, take care of Karissa and move forward with the story. 

I swear this is like pulling teeth tonight. It's like my mind just doesn't want to work. It's annoying considering how well I was writing everything else today. LOL! Guess I should think about going back to sleep anyway. I am still yawning.

"The Glades" was great tonight. It was about moonshine - legal and illegal - and the hospital where Callie works is going to be closing. She's been offered another job, but in Atlanta, Georgia. I don't know if she'll take it. It looks like she's going to, but I don't know. The season finale is next week. Should be very interesting.

Guess I'm going to close this out. Time to say goodnight.



Happy Birthday to Me . . .

Well, for the most part it was a good day. I got up early after not really sleeping last night. I just couldn't sleep. No matter how I tried. Then around 6:00am I started nodding on and off, but I had to be up by 9:15am. So as soon as the alarm went off I drank down a 5-hour energy, got dressed, tried to wake up Jordan. LOL! Took off for my appointment with my Pdoc at 10:00am or rather my new Pdoc. I can't remember his name. Anyway, on the way I stopped at McDonald's and got a Diet Dr. Pepper.

My new Pdoc is pretty nice and he has a kind face. In fact, he's kinda cute! LOL! :-) Anyway, we talked a little. I told him a bit of what was going on - about the situation I'm in and all that fun stuff. He seemed to like that I had a realistic view on my meds - that they can't fix everything. That situations can over-ride the medication. That's where I'm at.

After I got home, I made myself an iced coffee and ate some cottage cheese and my mom had me pick out a couple of things from Woman Within for my birthday - a PJ set and a pair of pants. Works for me! She then gave me money to get a bday card for myself from her. LOL! Go figure that one!

Nicole called me for my birthday and we talked for awhile. It was cool. The sad thing is she's in a bit of a depression. Wish I could help her out of it, but of course, I'm not much good at that since I'm struggling emotionally myself. But it was good talking with her.

I also worked on my "Michael" story and I FINISHED IT!! I don't think it's as good as my 007 story, but I think it worked. I need to decide what I'll write next. Of course, I didn't have time to edit because Jordan and I were going to go to Jason and Susan's for dinner. That might have been a mistake.

It was great to see Cassie and hug her. I have missed her so much. You know, Jason is so focused on what HE'S losing he never stopped to think what this whole situation has done to me from beginning to end. Anyway, dinner seemed easy enough, but I just had this feeling . . . after dinner I could see in Jason's attitude that he was going to start. I was trying to leave before he could, but I didn't leave fast enough. He started coming down on me about how I just want Cassie for the welfare. That I don't care about her happiness. All this bullshit that he pulled on me earlier in the week! And it was a slap in the face from the card he and Susan gave me with the note where they apologized for what happened and that they just hope things work out for everyone to be happy again. Well, that didn't work, did it? He couldn't keep his mouth shut. Jordan wanted to kick his teeth in. Jordan is very protective of me. I don't want him doing something like that, but it feels good that he cares that much about me. Jason has called and apologized on voicemail. He called my mom a couple of times, I guess. But I don't want to talk to him. He wants me to talk to him before they leave on their trip to San Francisco, but I don't know if I want to talk to him at all for a few days or maybe longer. 

Anyway, after we left Jason and Susan's, we went to Walmart where I went and got "The Mechanic" and "The Delta Force,""The Delta Force 2," and "Code of Silence" which are all in the same box. I thought it was a cool trilogy so I grabbed it. I also grabbed a card. After that, I went to McDonald's to get drinks for Jordan and I. We then went to the gas station so I could put $20 in the tank. From there we went to Jack-in-the-Box. I got Jordan a burger and curly fries. I got myself a funnel cake. From there we went to Vons. I got myself a Gold Peak green tea and a strawberry Boston Cream Pie. I didn't really want it, but I bought it anyway. I'm sure I'll want it tomorrow. I was just so wound up over what Jason pulled that my stomach was upset. The Sprite I had helped a bit. 

Well, once we got home, I got on here and I edited my "Michael" story. In fact, I called it "Destiny" which is kind of funny since in "Stargate: Universe" the ship was called Destiny. LOL! But it fit the story! I also posted it to the group. I added the note that I didn't think it was as good, but I think it's decent. I might be writing the next story about Captin Malcom Reynolds (Firefly). I'm going to run out of people at this rate! LOL!

Anyway, I had a pretty good day. I'm finishing it by watching "Haven" on SyFy then hopefully going to sleep. Sleep would be a good thing. So outside of Jason things were good. I even got a card from Cassie. :-) 

Guess that's it. I am exhausted. All the caffine is wearing off. :-P So time for meds and bed.

  

Feeling a Bit Better

I don't want to jinx things so I almost hate putting anything positive up there for the title. I've had some pretty hard slams when I thought things were okay at a given time. But I don't feel as totally helpless as I did two days ago. I think hearing Jason say he understood that I was in a no-win situation helped me a bit, but he could turn around tomorrow and tell me I don't care about Cassie again because he feels like it. I hope he doesn't, but I can't rely on his apology to last longer than a day or two. I just hope and pray he doesn't fuck up my birthday tomorrow. As it was, after I got back to going to the ER I slept. I slept through yesterday and didn't wake up until 2:30pm give or take.

Anyway, I talked to him today. He apologized again. We're going over there for dinner tomorrow night for my birthday. I don't know how Cassie will feel about seeing me, but I guess I'll find out.

Jordan actually gave me the computer for most of the day which was nice. I got to work more on my Michael story. I think it's actually going along okay. I'm hoping I can finish it. The next scene or so I'm going to have my character kiss him. Or something like that. I want a good story, but I want to finish it already! LOL! After I finish it I'll have to read it over for mistakes. Even reading over my 007 story I found MORE mistakes! Ugh! I can't win sometimes. After Michael, I might write another story for 007 and Kitty. I can always write in the evil family this time. LOL!

Anyway, my mom made chicken wings with new potatoes and green beens. It was good, but a couple of hours later Jordan and I were hungry again. Actually, I was more thirsty at first so I took us to McDonald's we got sodas and ice cream then went back through for sandwiches and fries! LOL! Jordan got a McDouble. I got a McChicken. I could have actually used another soda! I think tomorrow I'll get another soda maybe. Or maybe not. I guess it depends on how I feel and what time we get going. Plus, I think my mom wants to go to the 99 Cent store tomorrow. It'll have to be after my Pdoc appointment at 10:00am. I have to remember to set the alarm or I'm going to sleep through it.

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about "The Pretender" tv series. In fact, something I find funny is last week on "Burn Notice" was Jarod's father figure Sydney - Patrick Bauchau. This week on "Burn Notice" had Michael T. Weiss - Jarod - as a bad guy. And then on "Suits" after it was Miss Parker - Andrea Parker. Now all we need is Broots and we'd have everyone! LOL! I thought that was cool! I wish they had done more "Pretender" episodes, but it is what it is. I miss Jarod. :-)

Wow, I'm tired. I wouldn't have thought so with all the sleep I got yesterday. In fact, Cassie came in, hugged me and told me she loved me. At least I think she did. I knew she came in and I told her I loved her. I couldn't keep my eyes open though. I was so emotionally and physically drained. It's a bitch carrying my computer and stuff I thought I'd need if I got admitted. I had to walk all the way to the ER. Once at the ER I had to walk all the way back to D-ward. From there I had to walk around to get back to the front of the ER again and get to the car. Ugh . . . And of course, my emotions had gone through the wringer. I hope that doesn't happen to me again for awhile, though all bets are off when Cassie comes home.

I finally took a shower tonight and it felt pretty good. It still took a lot out of me, but I got to wash the rashes which I needed to. What's sad at the moment is I'm hungry again! LOL! Ugh!! But being as tired as I am sleep might win out.

I'm really glad my Michael story is really starting to go well. It was really hard to write at first and it might not sit well with my readers, but I think it'll come out good.

Anyway, think I'll close this up for now. I have to remember to go to Vons tomorrow and see what their $5 Friday treat is. I hope it's something really good! :-) I'm packing on way too much weight. I thought most of it was Diana being here, but now I know a lot of it is this whole mess with Cassie. I don't know if I can keep myself from gaining 100 lbs more. Ugh! I did talk with Dr. Tess for awhile. He could tell just how worn out I was. But I don't think talking to him will help with my eating either. I just can't stop wanting sweets. Especially cakey sweets. I am already as big as a house, but how do you stop when you feel like you need it! Guess it's an addiction. I have more than I think I guess.

Okay, time to go. It's almost midnight and I have to take my meds. Hopefully I'll sleep well.

Rough Day

You know, the started nice enough. Of course, I slept until 2:00pm. I could have slept longer, but I decided not to. I went to check on Jordan and he was sleeping. That made it easy to get the computer. I wanted to use it to actually do some writing. Which I did. My story about Michael from SGA was actually going on VERY well when Cassie and Jason start hated shit with me. And Jason - one moment he's saying he understands and that Cassie has to come home and the next he's yelling at me because Cassie has to come back home. I understand that he's stressed that she's crying all the time and I hate it too, but he has NO RIGHT to tell me that I don't care about her. What an asshole. He eventually called and said he was sorry, but the whole message sounded like an empty apology. I don't think I can accept it. I love him like family, but I'm not sure I can forgive him for that. I certainly won't tell him how I'm really feeling. It's not worth it. I just don't need him making me feel MORE unstable than I have been. But he really just went off on me. I went off on him and then he accuses me of not caring about Cassie. That was a low blow. A VERY low blow. Considering I let them have her when I didn't even want to let her go, but I thought it would be better for her and he has the nerve to say THAT to ME?? What an asshole. I don't want to talk to him for awhile.

Anyway, I freaked out, kind of. Started crying. I cried for like an hour. All I could think of was killing myself. It's all I wanted and the only way I could see myself getting out of this position. I have just been so stressed out. People just don't seem to get the fact that I'm in the middle and dealing with stress from all sides. I mean, how much am I supposed to handle before I break? I even tried to start writing a suicide note. A lot of times it will calm me down and I'll be okay, but in this case I just started crying more. I finally just decided I needed extra help. I packed up my stuff and told my mom and Jordan that I was going to the ER. My mom asked why - so did Jordan - and my ability not to tell was not working. I spilled how upset I was and that Cassie hates me and Jason told me I didn't care about her. She tried to tell me that Cassie loves me and that I'm the mom the same old bullshit. Same stuff that's stressing me out. And Jordan is pretty upset with Jason too. He's talking about giving Jason and Cassie a piece of his mind. That they shouldn't treat someone like me like that. I mean, I guess he sees me as fragile and sometimes I think I am VERY fragile. But it's nice to know that he loves me so much that he stands up for me the way he does. However, I don't want even more trouble.

So I went to the ER. My chest started hurting too and I had trouble breathing a little. Turned out it was a panic attack, but I got a lot of tests to test my heart. But I told them I was suicidal. And I was at the time, but as time went on, I began to relax. When I saw the Mental Health or Psych Liasion we talked and turned out that I would have been sent to another hospital because there were no beds available. That it would really be up to me, but that I should think about whether I wanted to be admitted somewhere. Well, the longer I was there, the more calm I got. I also checked my phone finally and I got that message from Jason about being sorry without really meaning it, I don't personally think. But it did help to know there weren't going to be anymore nasty-grams or anything.

Anyway, on the way home I stopped and got something to eat at Jack-in-the-Box. Usually I would have gone to McDonald's, but I wanted a big cheese burger and an egg roll. I also ended up getting a funnel cake for a buck. After I ate, I finally came home. I had to run to the bathroom! LOL! I'd been holding it for awhile. I tried to tell my mom that I was home, but her door was locked. I did tell Jordan. He was glad I was home. Especially because I brought the computer back home! LOL! Though he hasn't had it yet. I needed to write this first.

Well, I guess that's it. I am feeling better, though I can still feel that anxiety going on in my chest. I am still not feeling great. I am still upset over what Jason said and the position I'm in, but I can live with it for now. Now I think I'm going to take Jordan to McDonald's to get a soda and to get us ice cream. Yum. Then I'll take my meds and go to sleep.

Emotional Swinging

Today started off okay and most of the day was okay but this evening has been a bit of a downer. My mom is still not happy with me, but she gave me the money to get the car smog checked - which ended up being $35.95 which is the best, most awesome price!! She also wrote a check to pay for my car registration. She still wants me to pay the extra $10 a month, but I guess I can deal with it. I have to be careful, but somehow I think I can make it and still get DVDs. I just have to be very careful with the money and I have to make sure I can still get things for the kids. I don't know what I'm going to do about their birthdays and Christmas. I'm going to TRY to get Jordan that video game he wants - Skyrim or Sky Rim. It comes out in November. If I can I'll try to pay some in October and the rest in November or try to pay some in September and October and November. That could work. I just have to see what I have left after I get everything that Cassie needs for school and stuff. I want to try to get "Dexter - Season 5" too. Somehow I'll make it work. 

The Smog check didn't take that long. In fact,  I had about four or five pages read when he finished. "The Sheik and the Christmas Bride" is pretty good though it's just at the beginning of the book. I skimmed it a long time ago, but it's good to be reading it through. I still have to finish "Passion" too but I'm taking my time with it, I guess. It's a good book and I get sucked in when I start reading it. I'm just not pushing to finish it quick. It's going to be a year for the last book anyway. Speaking of books I do still need to get back to mine, but I feel emotionally so drained all the time - tired and drained. I feel like I wouldn't do justice with the edits to the story. But eventually I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and just do it, you know? And I want to write more fantasy stories. The one with Michael is so hard though! I kind of want to write another 007 story! LOL! I could make it more interesting. But we'll see.

Jason and Susan brought over their kitties. Jordan and I had gone to Walmart to get a couple of litter boxes because we couldn't find the ones they had left here last time. Apparently they found one litter box. I didn't take my phone with me because I didn't have pockets in my pants. I wish I would have grabbed it. I could have told them I was getting the litter boxes and that they could get litter. Ugh . . . Ah well. Got Jordan and I out of the house and away from my mom for awhile.

On the way there we grabbed sodas from McDonald's, got refills at Walmart, got some goodies and walked around for a bit. Even went upstairs to Electronics to look in the $5 DVD bin. But there wasn't anything I wanted. I did find a movie I wanted, but I decided to hold onto the $20. I had said that if I still had it on my birthday I would go back and get "The Mechanic." Of course, that depends on Jason and Susan. I don't know if they got $40 or $60 worth of groceries. Because if it was only $40 then this $20 has to got for fuel. If it's the other then they should be giving me another $20. I just don't know and don't feel like asking. But I would REALLY like to get "The Mechanic."

Anyway, I found out after I got home that my mom had made Cassie cry. Of course, Susan tried pulling a mom move and that didn't go over so well with Grandma. My mom got pissed. Flat out told them that Cassie was never living over there again. Cassie is devistated and angry. I knew she was. But then Jason just has to RUB IT IN! First he started shit about how basically it's my fault because I'm on Welfare. The HE can't have her because I'm not independent. Like she is HIS. I mean, he IS the closest thing she's had to a real father, but still!! That was NOT superceed ME! I was trying to do what was best for her. But I can't go to jail! If it hadn't been for her fucking father things would be fine. But I can't STAND the fact that Jason just RUBS IT IN  MY FACE HOW UPSET CASSIE IS - Like I DON'T KNOW THIS?? He claims to not want me on the fucking streets, but I'm sure he wouldn't really mind as long as he got Cassie. I am just angry and really hurt. He always says he's sorry or he didn't mean it or didn't mean it that way, but that's him back-tracking from what his original thought was. He just realized it might have hurt me and THEN he's sorry. Was there any real thought about how hard it was for me to give Cassie up? Was there ever any caring there? Really?? And now my daughter is going to treat me like she hates me because of all of this. I hate John. I fucking hate him and I HATE how Jason treats me sometimes. He can be so thoughtless with his words. Then he tells me they don't feel like they can talk to me because I can't cope with it. Well, what GOOD could they want to talk to me about. The only things they could possibly say to me is how awful I am and that I should sacrifice the roof over my head or my ability to live so THEY can have her. How is that productive?? They just want to make me feel awful. They say they don't want me to kill myself, but once I get that Will written and notorized then maybe they'll get what they want. It's not like I don't have a plan. I have ALWAYS had a plan and it's changed only a little over the years. Part of me wants to live long enough to see Cassie get married and to have kids - same with Jordan, but there's part of me that just doesn't want to keep going on with my loser life.

Anyway, I got depressed tonight all over again. I guess I was more angry than I thought too. I don't feel completely suicidal or anything, but it hurts and I would rather not have to live with the pain of now or what's going to happen in a couple of weeks. I suppose part of me wonders if I'll make it to Christmas.

I know one moment I'm planning for the future and the next I'm planning the end. It's all about pain and mood swings, which go hand in hand. It sucks but that's it.

I did distract myself for awhile. I watched episodes of "Eureka" that I missed and the new one that was tonight. I also watched "The Closer" which was a great episode. This detective from Arizona asking for Major Crimes to look into her daughter's death. It was made to look like an overdose, but it was murder. It was a good story. Then I watched "Rizzoli & Isles" which was great too! Someone was killing Witches just like they were killed in Salem back in the 1600's. It's sad. It was a girl with Schizophrenia. I do like my shows.

Anyway, I need to take my meds. I am tired. Don't know if I'll sleep soon, but I can hope. I can cuddle with Karissa and if I'm lucky I will relax enough to sleep. I didn't take to Jason again tonight. I guess I'll talk to him tomorrow. I should call Rick too. I haven't talked to him in several days. Of course, he might be with his other lover. LOL! Ah well! He will also have his son this week so I don't know as if we'll get together, but you never know. But now it's time to try to go to sleep.

Doing a Bit Better

It's still been kind of a rough day, but the kind I can pretty much handle. No big emotional stressors. I was tired though, not sleeping well last night and Jason woke me up at noon. It was probably a good thing. I didn't sleep until 4:00pm. And it was nice of Jason to come over and try to cheer me up. It did help. I did end up taking a little nap though. Of course, my mom is pissed with me because I have my car registration due. I didn't tell her earlier when it would have been about $30 cheaper. Plus I didn't realize that it also needs to be smogged. Ugh!! So she bitched me out well. Not like I don't understand. It's like $150 that neither of us really have. It sucks. So there's more pressure. She's going to make me sign a promisary note. Like that's going to get her paid back. Well, if I sold a book I could pay her back maybe. But not with the way things are. I barely get enough to give her freaken $300 a month. It's not much but when you're only getting $500 its a lot of money. I wish I had money. I have thought about trying to get a job, but I just can't. I can't get past the panic and anxiety. I do hate being broke. I need to get my ass moving and try to do something with my book. Just edit it and get it going. I just wish I emotionally felt better. It would probably help me.

Anyway, I made dinner tonight. I should have asked my mom if she wanted me to make her something, but I didn't. I was still tired from the nap I'd taken and all I wanted to do was cook and eat. I hadn't eaten at all at that point. I suppose she was upset about that too considering how often she cooks for us. I guess I've just been so self-involved because of the depression and stuff.

Jason saw the cuts on my arm today too. I did a good job of hiding them until I went outside to fill out the money order. They were nice enough to send off my car insurance for me today. But I had to turn my left arm toward them . . . he asked if I was cutting myself and I just told him I wasn't answering that. I mean, it was plainly visible anyway. He texted me a bit later and said "No more cutting" but I can't say yes or no. The feeling is less now. It was still bad last night, but I didn't cut. And I feel better today so maybe that's a good thing. I also got back on Cafemom and posted a bunch of stuff on "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" which was a good thing. I lost another member, but oh well. Not like anyone participates other than me usually. Maybe tomorrow I'll start checking in with my other groups again. And I should go back to writing one way or another. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel even better.

During dinner Jordan and I watched this show called "Deadliest Warrior" but this episode was about dictatorships - Suddam Houssein or however it was spelled versus Camron Rouge (Cambodian wacko leader Pod pat or whatever the hell his name was and whatever his people called themselves). In the end Houssein won. 

Awhile later I took Jordan to McDonald's and we got ice cream and sodas. I told my mom that we were going to pick up medication. At least it got me out of the house for awhile. When we came back the watched the end of "River Monsters" about eels in New Zealand. I'd seen it before. Good episode. I also got to see "Leverage" which was great. They helped get back a stolen heart at an airport with just about no equipment. They took down a bad guy and saved a 15 year old boy. After that I watched "The Glades" and Jim had to track down the killer where there was a bikini clad bartender and an easy going bar owner. A surfer boyfriend too . . . turned out the killer was one of them, but had previously been a jewel theif and had killed the guy because he'd gotten suspicious. Oh, and Callie finally filed for divorce. Good episode! Now I'm watching "Criminal Minds" which are about The Reaper - C. Thomas Howell. 

Anyway, I am getting tired. I need to take my medication. I'm kinda hungry too. But I think I might sleep earlier than I have been lately.

I'm just glad I'm feeling a bit better today. Of course, I have still been having massive panic attacks which really sucks, but it's better than being self-destructive.

  

Depressed and Tired

I'm tired. I'm very tired, but I doubt I'll sleep and as soon as I lay down my head will start in anyway about how I am a screw up. Reminding me of all the ways I have managed to fuck up. I didn't wake up today until 4:00pm and I just felt so rundown. Last night I cut up my forearm. I got one deep enough to bleed down my arm a bit. Strangely comforting. I wasn't thinking much about them tonight and Jordan and I went to the store, but he saw them as we were leaving. He got upset. I guess he worries about me. Told me I needed to talk to someone when I feel that way, but I just couldn't even verbalize it last night or even today. Jason tried reaching me most of the day. Grant you, I had been sleeping, but I ignored a couple of his calls because I just didn't know what to say because I am just so upset.

Eventually he called my mom who told me to call him. I waited a few minutes, but I finally called. I didn't say much. He just said he was over yesterday and that even Cassie wasn't mad. That things were going to be okay, but they're not. They're not ever going to be okay again. And I thought with her coming home maybe I could correct some of the things I had done wrong before, but I don't think she's even going to let me try. Even if she doesn't hate me, she will. Even though I'm trying to do what's right it won't ever be right and it will never be enough.

I want to go back to sleep. I do. I watched hours of "Cupcake Wars" which distracted me for awhile. My mom made dinner. I got salmon which was great. But the depression is taking me over. I feel like crap.

My mom went to bed early so I decided I was going to go get cakes. Or rather a cake. I got Jordan and we went to Vons.  I was right about the Boston Cream pies being $5 yesterday.  But I got one today anyway. Two dollars more. I've already eaten almost all of it all by myself. I guess I'm stuffing my feelings with food. I mean, whatelse do I do, right? I really do hate myself and my life. I can't honestly say, that I wouldn't kill myself if I had that Will written out. I need to make sure Cassie doesn't end up with her father. That's the only thing I care about. But the pain is so strong. Yesterday was one of the worst days. Today wasn't horrible, but the feelings haven't changed much.

I'm tired. I want to sleep. I don't know if I can, but I want to. I want to forget about everything for awhile. Though I was thinking about killing myself so much last night that I dreamed that I was going to die - that someone was going to put me to death. Not like I was a criminal. I didn't feel persecuted or anything in the dream. I was just ready to die, I guess. But I don't think I've ever dreamed about being put to death - It was going to be lethal injection or something that it wasn't even going to hurt. I'd just go to sleep and that would be it. Doesn't sound half bad.

Anyway, that's it. All the rambling I want to do. I kind of want to cut more and I kind of don't. I guess I'll decide once I lay down. I just hope to God I sleep.

Totally Screwed Up In the Head

Right now I feel like crap. I am definitely in a depression made worse by Jason and then talking to Cassie. I hate my life. I hate that I said yes to her going over there to begin with now that I need her to come home - my home. She doesn't consider here home. I suppose with my mom that's true. I didn't feel connected here either. Her only equation for love is to DO things like clean house. God, if you clean house you're the most wonderful, perfect person in the world. Me, I'm scum and so are my kids. I don't want to rip Cassie away from Jason and Susan, but I just don't have a choice. I am not going to get kicked out. I'd rather kill myself first.

I don't know. I just hate my life. I hate how I feel. I did take a shower today which was the first time in a week and a half, I think. I just have been depressed for awhile, I guess, with Diana here. But then Jason just had to start today about Cassie coming back to live with me and how she didn't want to and stuff. I literally told her that I loved her and hung up. There was nothing I could say to make it better. 

I just wish I could die. I mean, I don't want to, but I do want to. I mean, is my life really worth living? I suppose I have fucked up all the way around. As much as I didn't want it, my kids are as screwed up as I am. Under-acheivers because of me. I just wanted a better life for Cassie and now I'm forced to make her give it up and come back with me. She's promised to make my life hell which I don't think I can handle. She says she doesn't hate me, but I don't believe it. She hates Grandma, but she must hate me too. 

I want to go to the hospital, but I don't want to go. I have that addiction to nose spray. I don't as I want to go to a Crisis House, not that it's not warranted and not that it's not a good thing. I don't know if I'd be out before school started. Why should it matter, I guess. I was actually kind of looking forward to her coming back for awhile - a chance to correct some of the things I'd done wrong the first time around. But she's not open to it. I should have realized though she seemed okay with it before her concert. I guess it was okay when it didn't seem real. And if she wants to be pissed off let her be pissed off with her father. If he hadn't called trying to get my ass thrown in jail then she would still be able to stay with Jason and Susan. This isn't my fault. But I feel like it's my fault. 

I am so tired too. I slept like crap last night and this morning. I had a hard time breathing. My nose wanted to stay closed up. It was awful. I just can't be without my nose spray. That's sad, isn't it? I won't get help because of nose spray. I should just get the help. It's more important that mentally I'm stable, but I'm not going to unless I feel worse tomorrow. Then maybe I'll go to the ER. I've already cut up my left forearm a bit. I still want to cut more. I want to keep cutting . . . It's like a toothache. That's the best that I can explain it. 

I have Karissa I have to think about too. I know my mom and Jordan will take care of her. But I'll miss her if I have to go.

I'm tired. Think I'll take my meds and try to get some sleep. Or else I'll cut more. Or I'll try to chill out to "Haven." I think I'll take my meds and chill out and watch "Haven" and then go to sleep.

  

Nothing Much Going On

Not much went on today. My mom was sure to wake me up around 1:00pm. I wanted to keep sleeping, but she convinced me to get up to eat some breakfast. Well, breakfast for me anyway. It was left-overs from when they had gone out to breakfast.

Of course, she wanted me to get up to mail her letters. They were bills so it was important that they got out today. So I threw on clothes, got Jordan to come with me and then we went to go do that, go to the store to pick up some stuff - including crushed tomatoes for Grandpa's (Dad's) Chili. I also had just enough money to get drinks for Jordan and I. Plus, I had brought Jordan with me because I needed him to run into the pharmacy for me and pick up a prescription. That took maybe an hour tops.

After that, I just watched TV. Had Jordan start laundry - but didn't finish it. Jordan had the Laptop and because he was staying up for awhile I let him have it. It kind of worked out. I got to watch a couple of episodes of "Project Runway" from this season which I haven't been able to watch. Then I watched "Burn Notice" which was great! They helped this one guy take down his partner who had framed him in South America for drugs. Then he not only stole the company but the guy's wife too! I mean how much of a slimeball can you get?? Anyway, it was awesome to see this man get his dues. LOL! Michael Weston was great as the psycho! :-) Then I watched "Suits" which was another good episode. I like the play between Mike and Harvey. It's awesome. I also watched "Chopped" tonight, but it was one I'd seen before.

Anyway, after I got the computer back I posted some recipes on "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" on Cafemom and I re-read my James Bond fan fiction fantasy. I want to work on my Michael story, but it's too late. It's after 1:00am and I am getting tired. But tomorrow I might have to take my computer back early just so I can work on stuff. I really want to finish this other story with Michael. It's a real tough story though. But I think it'll be worth it. At least I hope!

Well, I'm going to take my night meds and try to get some sleep. I need to get writing definitely!

 

My Next Story Isn't So Easy . . .

I wanted to get farther on my Michael story today and I got 2-3 pages into it, but it's not moving fast enough for me. It's actually really, really hard. I think if I wasn't trying to put myself into a SciFi theme it would be easier. But I like the fact that I'm taking my character out of here and now and placed into her TV show. But it's SOOOOO hard to write! Ugh! This is going to take me more time than I want, but hopefully the product will be good. Though I don't think it could be better than my 007 story. I should also come up with a list of characters I want to write stories about. Writing first person really is different and I catch myself going into third person all the time. Of course, after Michael I have NO idea who to write about. Maybe Col. Cameron Mitchell from SG-1 or even Teal'c. I would go with Jacob, but he has Renesme. Seth was very young, but if he was older . . . possibility. I might have to expand who I am though in these stories. But we'll see. One story at a time . . .

Oh man, I had the weirdest dream too! It had penguins in it. And my dad. Blankets, Cassie . . . It's crazy! I don't remember a lot of details, but the last thing I remember was being hugged by my dad and him reassuring me about money because I didn't have any. God I loved the hug . . .

I really haven't done much else today. I added stuff to "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" on Cafemom. I want to post more, but I just don't have anyone's help. Ugh!!

My mom made dinner, but he only made me tortillas, but I shared with Jordan. She was kind of irritated with him because he didn't know what he wanted. Whatever. But dinner was okay. I'm hungry again, but I don't know if I'm going to eat anything else. I still taste toothpaste - yes, I brushed my teeth and I'm considering eating. I am a strange person. What's really crazy is I drank some diet rootbeer after brushing my teeth and it didn't taste weird!! What does that mean for Diet Rootbeer?? LOL!

Cassie had an interesting time today. Her and Susan went to the super walmart over near them and they stopped at the McDonald's to eat and some guy sat at the next table across from Cassie and had his junk hanging out! When Susan got up to tell something, he left quickly. Personally I would have laughed at him. Then filed a Police Report, but they didn't. Ugh! They should have because now he can do it to someone else who it might actually effected. Cassie I doubt was effected at all. I remember when I was ten years old and at Summer Camp. We were hiking and hiked too far onto a nude beach. Well, this guy comes jogging by in all his glory and all I could do was giggle. I'd seen a penis before so big woop! I think several of the girls started giggling. The counselor was mortified, I think. LOL!

Anyway, other than that I watched most of "Restaurant: Impossible," "Ghost Hunters International" which apparently was the mid-season finale. And then I watched the finale of "Legend Quest." I hope that one gets renewed. It was pretty cool. The last thing they had was crappy. I forgot what it was called, but it sucked. In fact, they didn't even run all the episodes I don't think though I could be wrong.

Well, I'm kinda tired so I might try to go to sleep early. Though that hasn't worked too well lately. I just know I can't read because it will keep me awake. I guess I'll chill out to the TV for a little longer then put on my night-night movie and see if I can't sleep.

Tried to Sleep All Day But . . .

My actual goal was to try to sleep all day, but my body wouldn't let me. Of course, I was shaking pretty bad by the time I woke up. I just kind of wanted to sleep through the day, but I guess it's a good thing I didn't do that because of my Aunt Flo being here. Ugh. I do hate being a girl sometimes.

I haven't done much today. I had dinner - my mom made huge kosher hotdogs, hashbrowns and stuffed mushrooms. Not that Jordan was going to have any of those. LOL! After that, I just went back to my room. I was watching a marathon of "Billy the Exterminator." I love that show! I watched the new ones tonight too. They battled Geese in North Carolina and then they help Danger Dave catch a bobcat.

Anyway, I also called Rick briefly. Just to touch base. Unfortunately he has his son on my birthday, so I guess I won't be able to see him then. But that's okay. I'll live, I guess. But it would have been nice to have my brains screwed out. Oh well . . . eventually! I would have liked to have done something for  my birthday though. Maybe Nicole and I can get together or something.

Poor Jordan was so tired but he had a headache and couldn't sleep so I asked him to go to the store with me. My mom wanted suppositories and Diana wanted me to get a USB cable and gave me $20 for both. Turned out the USB cable was $20 by itself so we ended up not getting it. I did get other things we needed like milk, bread, cheese . . . I also got some snacks for Jordan and I. I shouldn't have, but I have wanted stuff. I don't know what I'm going to do because the money I have left has to go for necessities now. I have no more food money to screw around with.

Anyway, nothing else has really gone on. I'm still tired, but I doubt I'll sleep. I don't feel like I'll be doing any writing tonight, but I could be wrong. I'm just not as inspired now. Then again, who knows. Something might come to mind that will inspire me again. I would like to write that story with Michael. Well, we'll see . . .

I Hate My Period!!

My anxiety level is so high. I'm tired but I probably couldn't sleep. I want to go to Vons and get a tiramisu bar cake again . . . And I just feel emotional. I HATE IT!!! Ugh! Then I'd go to Vons, but I think my mom is still awake and I wouldn't want to go until she's in bed.

I didn't do too much today except proof-read and re-post my James Bond Fantasy. But what really made my day was that she loved my story. It made her laugh, almost cry and she wanted more!! :-) That made me feel so good! I think I'm going to try to work on my "Michael" story. I just have to sort out my angle. But I have to figure out how he would react to a girl that comes out of nowhere. One who is clearly not from Atlantis, though I don't think he'd rule it out. Well, my mind will stew on it for a bit and see what I can come up with something because I would like to write something about Michael. I've always had a thing for him.

Anyway, my mom made me cook chicken. It was pretty good. I only ate two pieces though. My stomach had felt kinda weird, but I think that's from anxiety. I HATE PMS!!! The anxiety is bad and I hate that it's there and worse because of it.

I don't think I'm going to do much else tonight. If I get to Vons, that will be the best thing. I can get my sweet, creamy craving taken care of.

I did also watch "The Da Vinci Code" which is a really good movie. I hadn't watched it in awhile. Then after that was two episodes of "Leverage!" I was glad I finally remembered this week! I LOVE this show. Then I'll watch "The Glades" at some point. But I gotta get to Vons! LOL! CRAVINGS ARE KILLING ME!!!

It sucks having anxiety, being over emotional, being TIRED and the cravings. I hope all this eases up in a day or two. I can't handle this for long.

Okay, I guess I've rambled and ranted enough. I just hope my mom goes to bed soon!

I Finished My Fantasy Story!!

It took me almost all day and really, I was distracted on and off. But I set my mind to finish it today and tried to go easy on the sex, which I did. LOL! But it was so much fun to write! I could have kept going with it, but I just wanted it done and posted. Now I'll have to figure out another to  work on maybe. Well, I should do some editing and working on my own stories - I mean books. But it was so much fun to write my "007 - Love Me." Dumb Title but it works. I just loved writing it. And that's what my writing was missing for awhile - FUN! Maybe I can get that back now since I had so much fun with this story.

Anyway, I slept until 3:00pm or so. I slept like crap and I didn't sleep again until 7:00 - 8:00am. Then just bad sleep. My stomach has felt weird. I had that attack of Diahrreah yesterday. But I guess because I slept like crap I have been tired all day. I feel like I could lay down and go to sleep, but who knows if I would sleep. But I'm going to try here shortly. I am taking a muscle relaxer that Jordan picked up for me at the store.

Diana is starting to turn into a bitch again. I can feel it. She finds things. Acts like they were just done OR done just with the purpose of pissing her or my mother off AND she's mad at me because I didn't like her soup. She said I couldn't get enough of it last time. Well. she did something different then because it didn't taste the same. I don't know what to do, but she's upset about that. This is another reason why I sleep all day. I don't want to be around her very much. And it seems like she is just NOT going to leave!! I will kill myself if she's not gone by the time Cassie starts school.

Anyway, Jordan woke up at around 9:30pm. He wasn't going to eat soup so I told him I'd take him to the store though I have to stop doing that. Anyway, I had medication to pick up too - one of which was the muscle relaxer. We then went to Vons and I got him a couple of little sandwiches and I let him get a drink and ice cream. I got Gold Peak green tea and eclaires. I just wasn't in the mood for ice cream.

I have a lot of anxiety tonight too and I think that's directly because of Diana.

I guess the only thing that I did besides writing was watching "Beyond Scared Straight" which is a good show - troubled teens get a look what life is like behind bars. I watched a couple I hadn't seen, but then they started showing ones I had seen so I just went back to writing my story. Which was much better anyway.

I hope Angel my writer friend on FANtastic Writers likes it.

Writing is Fun

Today was another day I didn't do much except write and it was kind of nice to just write for fun. This fantasy story about James Bond and my character is going very well. I haven't had this much fun writing in a long time. And I've written my first sexual scene in even longer! LOL! No, not really, but it's been awhile. And thinking of my blond Bond with the blue eyes and great body . . . I hope I'm capturing his voice and essense. But either way, it does come down to fun.

I didn't wake up until about 3:00pm give or take. I remember my mom saying her and Diana were going somewhere with the neighbor, but I did finally get up. And started writing.

I didn't do much else. Jordan slept all day so I didn't go out and get sandwiches until he woke up. Then I went to Vons, got a sandwich for both of us (because my mom was really tired and didn't feel up for cooking). I also got us soda and because it was only $5 I got a Tiramisu bar cake. I can't bring it in until my mom and Diana go to bed.

Other than that I half watched the end of "Golden Eye" and "Die Another Day" - Yes James Bond movies, but not the right Bond. Though I'm considering putting one of the two movies on after "Haven" is over unless I actually go back to sleep. I'm pretty tired. But since I slept all day, I think I might be up all day. Plus my  nose is giving me trouble at the moment. I don't know if my nose will stay clear enough for me to sleep. That sucks. But I am tired.

I do really want to finish this bond story, but not sure how I'll do it. This story might have another 10-12 pages before it's done. I need to have them go to Dunn's falls at the very least and decide what will be going on at the end. And I have to decide just how much of my life to put into it. Either way Kitty Langford is me. :-) And boy would it be wonderful to have a vacation where I was thin and with blond James Bond!

Okay, guess that's it for now. I know, not very interesting, but it is what it is. Tomorrow will probably be more of the same. :-)

Working On My Fantasties

Pretty good day. Last night I actually got really into writing a FanFiction about the new James Bond. I'm to the sexy part now. I typed the rest up today. Turned out to be 7 pages long so far. Now if only I had a printer!! UGH! But that's really what I've done all day. That and I read Angel's story about her "Dream Guy." Apparently she has much more of it. For me, I want this mostly done before I post it. I'm calling it - with Jordan's help: 007 - Love me. I think after I wrap up this journal entry I'll go back to write and believe it or not, these scenes are tough to write. Making love through writing is beautiful, sexy and hot, but it can also get trashy and I don't do trashy. At least I try not to be trashy! LOL! But they are tough for me to write. I don't know why. I used to have no problem, but then I did and that's what I've been dealing with since.

Anyway I spent the day after waking up typing what I had written up. After that, I was still going at it when my mom called for dinner. Diana had cook trout on the grill in foil packets. I'd never had trout before and it was pretty good. There are too many bones though. Still, I enjoyed two fish. Jordan wouldn't eat it so he just stuck with the potatoes. He didn't even have any of the fried zucchini. I love fried zucchini. Anyway, I ended up going out to the store and getting Jordan a sub sandwich. I got myself a Green Tea and Cherry Cheesecake. It tasted great!

I really haven't watched anything. I was too busy on the phone. I got an email from Rick and he had lost my phone number so I called him and he has my number once again. We talked for awhile. We talked about a lot of things. But he's not a night owl. Where I hit my stride at night, he's a morning person. I suppose we'll figure out that one sooner or later and my little fantasy about having two men at the same time is just a step closer to being real and it's a little scary, but exciting.

Anyway, I may or may not watch "Burn Notice" re-air. I'm kinda watch "Suits" right now, but I think when I close this up I'll be working on a sex scene in my story to beat all others. ;-) Guess we'll see how the story goes!

Therapy, Reading and Writing

I woke up in the afternoon again and that didn't bother me. I think I just like sleeping through the mornings though I really do need to change that so that I can go back to the gym and go back to classes at Heartland. I was going to get my computer, but Jordan had just woken up and wanted to keep it. Since it wasn't imperative that I have it, I let him keep it. As for me, I was going through papers and my writing. I actually got inspired to finish a scene in "Crossfire" which I did and though I'm kind of stuck as for the next scene which I might just write off, I'm going to get them to the desert where she'll finally give herself to him. I've been working up to this point in the story. Then, of course, Rachel protecting Leila along with Johara. I'm wanting to actually work more on this story and I think today was a good start to that.

On the other hand, I just read a fantasy story about this girl meeting her dream guy - Bret Michael's or whatever his name is. Not someone I was interested in for sure, but it's made me think of the beginning of a story to write for myself. I don't know as I'd write it first person though. I don't write first person well. But it might be the only way to make the story work as a fantasy. I have the guy picked though - Daniel Craig. Or James Bond. Not sure which because this would have to be an off-time for him to come across my character. Also Oded Fehr. He's gorgeous too, but not as many people know him. But I like to stick with characters because there are no wives and girlfriends to deal with. Like I know Daniel Craig just married Rachel Weisz so I wouldn't feel right about writing about HIM. But Bond . . . that I could do! I think I'll see what I can do with that one.

Anyway, today was really just a quiet day. I did some writing as I mentioned and then I went to therapy. I talked about a lot of different things - and how I think my inspiration lately have been having someone new in my life. I'll either write an email or call tomorrow. I hope Rick is still interested in me. I hate feeling unsure, but I guess that's how it goes. And it's not like we're more than friends and lovers. Actually we need to work more on the friends part. Still, his son just got home and I don't want to interrupt that time.

After therapy, I came home, only to realize that I hadn't gotten any fish for Mr. Crabbs and so headed back out to Kahoots, bought five goldfish and these were stupid ones and got eaten up almost immediately and what a piggy Mr. Crabbs is!

Once I got home, my mom had dinner ready which was great! I managed to spill katchup on my shirt like an idiot so I actually took time to wash it out. I usually don't, but I guess I just didn't want this particular shirt mucked up. After that, I put on TV and watched two episodes of "Restaurant: Impossible" then I watched "Ghost Hunters International," and "Legend Quest" though I was kind of distracted by working on Cafemom posting on "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and reading my friend's story on FANtastic Writers. But that's inspired me as well.

The only other thing I have done tonight is go to the store with Jordan. I really wanted ice cream. We went to Vons and we each got a flavor of Ben & Jerry's. I got a limited batch flavor called Fair Goodness Cake! It was German Chocolate cake, caramel, coconut . . . Jordan got his usual Fudge Brownie Chunk or whatever it's called. I also got two eclairs and Jordan a bag of chips. I am so full!!! Ah well. I want to be good, but there's part of me that's just so bad . . .

Anyway, that's all I really have for the time being. Tomorrow is yet another day and hopefully I'll get some writing done all around. Here's hopings!

Just a Quiet Day

Wow I'm still tired. I finally got some sleep I still didn't sleep until like 4:00am, but the good news is that my mom and Diana had the neighbor take them to Costco. For me that meant I got to sleep and I slept until 3:00pm. I'm still tired now and hopefully I'll be going to sleep again soon. That would be ideal. I'm not even sure what's on tonight as far as TV goes. Can't remember.

Anyway, I've been on the computer since I've been awake. I finally got stuff posted on "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" on Cafemom. I posted a couple more stories on "FANtastic Writers." I also watched a few episodes of "Haven" which were good. I got to see most of one I had missed.

My mom made a simple dinner and it was good. We had chicken, beans and salad. It was awesome and I enjoyed it, but I was glad to get back to my room and get back to playing on Cafemom. That and watch a couple of "Cupcake Wars." Also watching an episode of "Chopped" and I think I'll be watching the mid-season finale of "Covert Affairs" at least I think unless I have the times mixed up. Either way, it's okay. If I don't catch that tonight I'll see it on Thursday. I'm glad USA re-airs things.

Well, I don't foresee anything else happening so I'm going to close this up. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting. At least I have therapy tomorrow.



Just a Little Note

Today feels like it's been a bit long, but it really hasn't. I'm just tired from not sleeping until 8:00am again and then when I did sleep, I had nightmares. I had this really bad nightmare where I let this woman watch my baby, but she wouldn't give me my baby back. There was something about hair and a woman from some government organization came and told me that the woman didn't have to give my baby back to me like I was some terrible person. That just stood out to me from all the dreams. I think it just stems from everything that has gone on with Cassie and John calling welfare on me . . . I hope I don't have anymore nightmares. Makes me sleep even worse, of course.

Anyway, I had Jordan clean out the car a little bit. Cassie came over to ask for money for the concert tomorrow - the Warped Tour. I didn't have it, but she wanted to ask Grandma. Grandma doesn't have it so she actually asked Diana. After talking to her for like 20 minutes Cassie was able to get the money to go - $46.50. That was really nice to Diana though there are always strings. However, nothing she can't do. I was just happy that she got the money to go. Of course, I can't believe she pierced her own lip! Ugh! I have the pic. She sent it to me. There's no use getting upset because it's done. I just can't believe she did it to herself! Guess she wanted one bad enough to do it herself. Ick . . . She's the one that has to live with it now.

When it reached 6:00pm Jordan and I left to go to the Drive-In to use our re-admission tickets. We went to go see "Cowboys vs. Aliens" and "Stupid, Crazy Love." On the way there we stopped at Vons and bought drinks and sandwiches and fruit pies. Then we stopped at the 99 cent store to get other goodies. The funny thing is, I couldn't eat that much after the sandwich. I mean the sub is HUGE. But it was dinner!

While waiting for the movie to started, I read more of "Passion." I'm getting more into it now. I just have this anxiety that I'm going to have to wait a year for the last book! LOL! I don't like to wait! :-P But so far it's good. I can't wait to see what happens in this book. And the movie "Cowboys vs. Aliens" was pretty good and Daniel Craig looked as handsome as ever! The storyline was really good. I wish the girl had lived, but oh well . . . she saved the world. Can't fault her for that! :-) "Stupid, Crazy Love" was kinda stupid, but the ending was good and had some humor, but it's not something I'll be putting in my collection unlike "Cowboys vs. Aliens" when it hits DVD.

On the way home we stopped at CVS pharmacy to grab my ativan!! Thank god for ATIVAN! I might actually get some sleep tonight! But I wanted to write this first. Now, I'm going to take my meds - my ativan - drink a little more soda and go to sleep. Tomorrow I have to wake up relatively early to take my mom to Costco. Diana might go. I don't know. Guess I'll find out in the morning.

Goodnight.

Enjoyed the Day

Last night was great! Rick came over. I introduced him to my mom before we went to my room. It was a really nice evening except for being interrupted three times - twice by my mother - actually all three times because Jordan knocked on the door to tell me Grandma was asking all kinds of questions about Rick, like Jordan would know. LOL! But he was great and I felt so good! Eventually my mom was like, he has to go! Ugh! Then this morning she's all freaked out about my having sex under her roof. I'm 41 years old! I'm not allowed to have a sex life?? Anyway, I guess that means we need to be over at his house from now on. I just need to get over my fear of driving over there. His street is tiny and my car is big.

Anyway, I didn't fall asleep until about 8:00am this morning. My mom woke me up at 1:15pm. It's not a lot of sleep, but I told myself to get up with the hope that I might fall asleep a little earlier. I certainly am tired enough. My mom made oatmeal and raisins so I had a good "breakfast." My mom wrote a list of groceries for me. Diana gave me money to get laundry detergent and dryer sheets. I also stopped and got myself a drink on the way. I went to Walmart and did shopping for most of the stuff. I didn't go crazy with the snacks for a change. I think having Rick in my life makes it so I don't need tons of stuff. Though I have to say I went overboard with the blueberry cream rolls. I don't know what it is about cakey stuff but I can't seem to stop eating them when I start. Actually last night I was good. I only had half of the box and saved the rest for Jordan.

After Walmart I went to Vons and bought only two or three items. I needed a chili brick and I got green tea. I love Gold Peak. It's good. At least I think that's what it's called. But I needed to get home, get the groceries put away and head over to Jason and Susan's. Susan needed to use my card to get some food for the house. I get paid back for the most part. But she got a late start because I got there about 45 minutes late. And it was great to see Cassie after not seeing her for two weeks. John was putting shit in her head, but apparently she didn't let him talk shit about me. I just wanted to keep hugging her and not let her go. And she looks more grown up - more like a teenager. She's growing up so fast and she's so beautiful.

Anyway, Susan came back and made Chicken Parmesan with Spaghetti and Texas Toast. It was so good. And we ate as we watched "Drew Carey's Improv-a-palooza" or something like that. It was funny! I loved it, though not as good as "Whose Line Is It Anyway." But after it was over, Jason was ready for us to leave. He gets tired early so I didn't take offense. Just hugged Cassie said thanks for the fantastic dinner and left with Jordan.

Once home, I got the computer from Jordan and I wrote to Ron, telling him about Rick and he enjoys hearing about my life - all of it. In fact, he wrote me back so fast! And it was so good to hear from my wonderful Aussie. I should have called Rick tonight, but I'm too tired and I need a shower. I'll shower tomorrow and call him. Maybe he and I can get together either tomorrow or Tuesday night after his son goes to sleep because I could certain use another good evening being a lover. :-)

Well, I watched the finale of "In Plain Sight" where Mary's sister ran away from her own wedding and Mary started having pain - labor? Of course, that was after her and Marshall and the rest of the gang almost get killed saving a witness going to testify. Now I'm going to finish watching "The Glades" take my med and trying to go to sleep early.

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. Tomorrow night is the Drive-In again - "Cowboys vs. Aliens!" Yay!

Tired to Terrific!

My brain just doesn't want to work!! And it's frustrating the crap out of me! I want to write, but it's been a struggle today. Even just writing posts for the Cafemom groups. I don't even feel like posting to "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" I don't know. I tried to start another fanfiction that has me as the main person, but I think that might be too personal so I might rewrite it with a different me in place. That way I can write third person, which is what I'm more comfortable writing anyway. But as I've tried to focus and do more writing or gather ideas for more stories, NOTHING comes to me. If this is writer's block I'm screwed. I don't know how to get passed it. I'm also tired. That might have something to do with it. I didn't fall asleep until after 5:00am. Of course, I also slept until 2:00pm so it's not like I didn't get enough sleep, but I wanted to sleep a lot longer. I'm so tired now, but I doubt I'll sleep yet. It kinda sucks. Wish I could sleep when I wanted to, but it never works that way for me. But I just want to sleep and I want to write. Guess they don't go together too well. LOL!

This new group I joined on Cafemom is called something like "FANtastic Writers" or something like that. So I figured I'm going to post some of my older stuff and maybe get inspired to write something new. I'll have to really just relax, try to wake up without being tired.

Tonight I took Jordan to McDonald's and we got ice cream and fruit pies. After that, we went to Albertson's and got drinks plus cupcakes and a woman's world. When we got home, I had a call from Jason. Then I called Rick because he'd left me a message. I am actually trying to wrap this up because he's coming over and we're going to have some fun. I don't know what my mother will think of this, but oh well! LOL! I am all hot and bothered and I'm ready for the company!

I can't put on make-up though because of the rash around my eyes, but I did put up my hair that looks good on me. Now I just need to run to the bathroom, give Jordan the computer and all will be well. Maybe I will sleep tonight after all, though last time it energized me! LOL! We'll see!

Oh and Cassie came back from Nevada today! Yay!

Another Ho-Hum Day

I didn't do much today. I woke up around 1:30pm. I wanted the computer, but as it turned out Jordan had it and he hadn't slept yet. Rather than him going to sleep and sleeping all day, I let him keep the computer so he'd stay up for the rest of the day. It did kind of leave me with not much to do. Or nothing I felt up to doing. I put on reruns of "Ghost Hunters International" and then Shark Week on Discovery. That was cool because I got to see my favorite special. It was about this guy that formed a bond with a tiger shark. He could actually grab her dorsal fin and ride with her. He thought she'd died and then when he went back to their spot there she was!!! It always makes me cry.

Anyway, Jason came over for a little bit. It was nice seeing him. Then I got a call from Rick. He wanted to see me, but after I took a shower and got ready for him and called, he wasn't feeling well . . . I hope he calls when he's feeling better, but I'll probably call tomorrow to check on him and see how he is. It was funny. When he called me earlier he was like "What do you miss more? My smile or my . . ." I'll leave out that particular word. LOL! But I replied that I missed both equally.

My mom made a great dinner. Mac N Cheese, Quesadillas, hamburger patties and green beans. Of course, I'm hungry again, so I'll have to go foraging and hope I find something.

Anyway, I am not sure how to feel about Rick. I have never worried so much about whether someone likes me or not. Of course, its been how long since I've been in a relationship? Of course, right now, a lot of what I'm thinking about is how good he felt within me. It's been a long time since I've really felt like that. I just want to be with him again. I know it sounds crazy.

Well, I had to go get medication. Of course, Jordan came with me to pick them up and we stopped at McDonald's for ice cream. It was good. I love McDonald's vanilla soft serve ice cream!!

Then when I came home I got on the computer. I posted on cafemom for my "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy" group. I think I posted 4 recipes, 3 music videos, humor video, Poll question . . . I could do more, but I think I'll do that tomorrow. I also watched "Haven" tonight. It was pretty good.

Dang I'm hungry! Think I have to get something to eat!

Ho-Hum

Not sure what to write about today. I slept late. I didn't do much today at all. I called Rick, but got his voice mail. I'll try again tomorrow and see what happens.

Diana and my mom made a great dinner. Hamburgers and stuffed mushrooms!! Oh the stuffed mushrooms were so good!

When I went back to my room, I watched some TV - "Monster Quest" but I suddenly got so tired I had to rest. I was semi-asleep through "Burn Notice," which I'm going to watch in about half an air. Good thing it re-airs. I watched "Suits" which was good. And I'm watching "Covert Affairs" now.

I also got the computer from Jordan around 10:00pm. Played on Cafemom. I had to post some stuff. One of my moms on there actually posted a recipe which was GREAT!! Someone else posted! So I was happy about that. I seem to be slowing down at the moment. I also feel a little down and I don't know why. Go figure. Is it because I didn't talk to Rick? That would be weird. But I suppose anything is possible. I also think I want to get into bed with him again! :-) The memories haven't faded.

Anyway, I guess there isn't really much else to day. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting.

What a Cool Night!

Today was a pretty good day except for Diana going off on mom. According to Jordan she called mom an ingrate! What a bitch, you know? Then she came at Jordan and I will something around my chair that we must have seen and just left. Whatever. He and I didn't even know what she was talking about!! But I guess Jordan found out what it was. I don't even remember. That's how much I care. Then my mom says she's going to be here a couple more WEEKS?? Ugh! Why can't she go home now!! I want her gone by my birthday. The question is, will I get that lucky? Who knows. But I plan on staying away from her as always. That incident just confirmed to me that she is ready to go off on anyone around her. Though I'm sure my mother won't be happy with me either though. I paid rent today and only gave her $250. She wants $300, but I just can't do it! I know she's going to get on my case tomorrow. I can only hope that it's not in front of Diana. If it is, I might just walk away or barricade myself in my room. And of course, it all caused so much anxiety in me, it was terrible.

Of course, that was after I woke up around 1:30pm, got coffee and took my mom to get her toe nails done. While I waited for her, I started cleaning up my room a bit. Got clothes together for laundry . . . I really have felt energized and I do have to say I keep thinking about my evening fun with Rick. It felt so good! Anyway, I also talked to Nicole for like an hour. I told Nicole about Rick and how I was feeling and she says she hasn't heard me like this since Ron. And of course, I'm still like that with my Aussie! In fact, I heard from him tonight and that made my day too! Love hearing from him and he liked the photos of me I sent him. I think I'm going to work more on my room and the laundry tomorrow. I really want to get my bed cleaned up. Maybe flip the mattress if I can - with Jordan's help. Then I can get sheets on it and who knows. Maybe Rick will come visit here. Perferably after Diana leaves, though his bed is much better! :-D Oh and he called me tonight! When I hadn't heard from him, I wondered if maybe things were just over. Maybe he'd gotten what he wanted - anxiety of course - but he called and told me he was recording "The Bourne Identity" because of me! I thought that was cool! I can't wait to see what he thinks about it.

The last thing to report this evening is that Jordan and I went to the Drive-In. I know my mother is pissed with that too, but oh well. Jordan and I went to go see "Captain America" again because it was playing with "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." We stopped at Taco Bell on the way. Neither one of us really wanted to see "Captain America" again, but I actually enjoyed it more the second time around. Go figure! LOL! But then, through "Harry Potter" we kept getting a bleed through from the movie at the other side of the Drive-In. I finally had to talk to someone after the movie was over because it was annoying. I waited, but did talk to the owner. He wasn't sure how it happened, but it was so cool! He gave us tickets to come back!!! So Jordan and I are going back on Sunday to see "Cowboys Vs. Aliens" which I REALLY want to see. Part of it is because Daniel Craig is in it, but it looks good too!

Though I'm afraid what my mother will say tomorrow to me I can say tonight's been pretty good. I need to take my meds and go to sleep. But a good night for sure.

Special Days!!

Well, I have a good reason for not posting last night. I met Rick!! I think it was the start of a good thing. He was looking for a lover and I was looking for something or something to bring me back to life and he's done that. At least by this first meeting. He's not that greatest kisser, but he is good in bed. And he's caring. I'm not too into dirty talk, but he's not overly verbal and in I'm not very verbal at all. Well, some . . . Anyway, we didn't get together until around 11 or Midnight and I didn't get home until about 2:30am. We both talked too. He loves my laugh. He was exhausted though by the time we were done because he had flown back to San Diego from Toronto. I don't know whatelse he did that day, but I know the time difference must have been hitting hard. 3 Hours ahead of here. Plus he had a meeting this morning and for me last night I was pretty wound up and had a hard time sleeping. Rather than wear me down it perked me up! LOL! Then I had trouble with my legs which sometimes happens. I don't think I fell asleep until about 5:00am. Of course, I had to wake up at 9:15am to take my mother to a doctor's appointment.

I waited for her at Walmart at the McDonald's. I grabbed a Sausage Biscuit with an Xtra large Diet Dr. Pepper. I know, what a combo! :-) I was so tired when I started reading "King Arthur" by Norma Lorre Goodrich. I have read it five or six times. I didn't want to start anything else when I was going to get "Passion" by Lauren Kate. Anyway, I was also bad and bought razor blades. Call it a strange security blanket. I also bought some bologna. My mom gave me the money for it, but I used the last of the money on my food card and used the money for the razors. 

I picked up my mom and she wanted to go to the 99 cent store. She wanted lemons. When we got there, I didn't see any so I asked this guy who worked there if there were lemons and he was nice enough to go into the back and bring out two boxs of bags of lemons. My mom grabbed 5 of them, I think. Plus some limes and some other stuff like zucchini. I was glad to get home at first. Then my mom had said something about my money coming in. So I checked the recipt and sure enough my money had come in!! So I got Jordan. We went to Taco Bell for lunch. Then headed to Walmart - I got "Passion" and my own copy of "Fallen" plus "Burn Notice: Season 4" and I also got Jordan two books to read - "Assassin's Creed: The Secret Crusade" and then a "Star Wars" book. I'm just glad he wanted books to read!! I also got a DVD called "The Warrior's Way" and I got a new memory card for the camera for when I run out of room with the other. Also got some 5-hour Energy. I also picked up some stuff for Diana - Non-fat yogurt, low fat cottage cheese, milk 2% . . . They didn't have the Truvia she wanted though.

After Walmart we stopped at the Vet to get Flea Killer for Karissa. I forgot what it was called, but it's like SafeGuard or something. It was supposed to work within 30 minutes. Since we put it on here, I haven't seen her scratching which is WONDERFUL!! She was starting to get pretty scabbed up again. Then we took then dairy items home. From there we went to Albertson's to get the Truvia. I got water and soda. It was $1 for a 2 lt. From there we went to Kahoots for goldfish for Mr. Crabbs and then put gas in the fuel tank of the car. When we got home I was definitely ready to be there. Jordan and I snacked on some powdered donettes I'd gotten too while we watched "The Warrior's Way." It was actually pretty good and not a totally unhappy ending. It was stylized and it was definitely enjoyable.

I was just getting on the computer after that when my mom said that they had dinner for us. Something I was not expecting!! We got lamb, fried zucchini and rose potatoes. It was so good!! It was a really nice treat and Diana had cooked the lamb. Lately she hasn't done anything for us because of her attitude. But I guess me not hesitating to get her stuff changed her tune a little bit.

Then I got on the laptop, posted on my "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group on Cafemom. Called Nicole and called Rick . . . I am so tired!! LOL! Anyway, I watched "Billy the Exterminator" - In fact I'm watching the new one now. I also watched something on Killer Shark Attacks! Something called Black December from Durbin, South Africa back in the 50's. It was really striking to watch. I mean, it was re-enactments, but still.

Anyway, it has been a good day. I feel good. It's going to suck tomorrow when I'm broke again, but at least I emotionally feel better. Hopefully it lasts. Now I need to finish watching Billy, taking my meds and going to sleep! LOL! I definitely need it!