You know, the day started pretty well. I got up even though I didn't want to. I had a hard time getting to sleep so I was really tired, but since I'd already used a 5-hour energy yesterday I didn't want to use one today. I have to stagger them or they just don't work as effectively. So I got up, got dressed, took my morning medication, got my coffee and got ready to go. Before I left my mother was nice enough to give me $20 for fuel. I can't believe how expensive it's getting. I don't know what's going to happen when I can't afford fuel. That's going to be a very bad day. Anyway, I stopped to get fuel on the way to my Heartland classes. Today was Coping Skills followed by CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I always participate and I got to share something that had happened to me the other night. I don't know what triggered it, other than a bad few days, but my mind started telling me how horrible I was and it wouldn't stop - You're ugly. You're fat. You're a failure. You're a bad mother . . . I had to create positive statements to counter those - I am a good person. I am a loving mother. I am a good parent. I am beautiful inside . . . I didn't feel a whole lot better after doing it, but at least it got out of me, if that makes sense. I felt better in that way - less pressure in my chest.
After class I returned home and Cassie was leaving. I told her I loved her. Gave her a hug and kiss and then she left. Then I remembered Food for Cash. I needed the money for my insurance. I have to get the money order tomorrow and get it out in the mail and pray it gets there on time. But anyway I asked Susan if she could do it. She said yes. Then the next thing I know Jason is starting to have a fit. Cassie said she wanted to come back over. I was like okay. Then everything blew up. Jason started being an asshole and DELIBERATELY hurt me over and over today. And I know what his malfunction is. Cassie wasn't to come to me so he feels threatened. He wants to control her, but you know what? I'm her mother and I have final say! Put he kept putting me down. I tried to explain he was upsetting me to the point I had to take an ativan and made a comment about me turning to drugs really outright mean. At that point Cassie called him and told him off for insinuating that I was a drug abuser and for him talking to me like that period. I kept telling him to leave me alone. He wouldn't. At one point I must have said something like I was tired or I have really been worn down or whatever and he texts me back "Poor, poor me." It's his way of telling me I'm playing a victim - like he doesn't. So I wrote him back and said "Fuck, fuck you, asshole." Then he threated to take the phone away and just kept trying to destroy me emotionally. I didn't do ANYTHING to warrant even one BIT of THIS! I wanted to cry. I wanted to cut on myself. I wanted to slash my wrists - not to kill myself. I just don't cope with overwhelming emotional pain well. But I haven't given in yet. I'm hanging tight or trying. He's not worth it. But it's not really about him. It's about how I'm feeling. However, now it's the "I'm sorry," phase where he is going to apologize. He said "It was just a bad day and I lashed out. I'm sorry." Guess what? I don't care what kind of fucking day he had. I am tired of his shit. I am still so upset that he needs to leave me alone for a long time. I'm thinking at least a week - even if and when Cassie goes back. I am tired of him pulling shit like this and then him just thinking because he says sorry that it makes it okay. This time I KNOW I didn't do shit and he emotionally battered me for hours. I didn't deserve that. I don't give a shit what was going on with him. Right now, I HATE him and I don't say that lightly. I don't think I will ever emotionally trust him again. I may never want to text him again or anything. I loved him like a brother, but I don't think I can just get over this. He's done it once too often and so I am DONE! He'll get angry because I won't forgive him, but oh well. Then he shouldn't have acted like an asshole just because he was having a "Really bad day." Asshole. Fucker. Emotional Abuser . . .
It was probably a good thing I had my therapy session today. At least I didn't have a lack of subject matter. Not that I ever really do, but still. I guess it was good to talk a lot of it out, but there isn't forgiveness in my heart yet and there may not be. But my therapist listened and acknowledged that Jason has come up a lot more in recent months as a problem for me in one way or another and usually his FUCKING ATTITUDE! I am so tired of it and of him. I don't think I'll talk to him. I'll talk to Susan, but I won't talk to him and if he calls on Susan's phone I think I'll just hang up on him. I don't want to talk to him after what he did. And I don't think I should have to.
Anyway, while I was gone Greg took Cassie to Guitar Center and bought himself a brand new guitar. An awesome one apparently. He bought what he needed for Cassie's acoustic guitar. Then he called and said he was going to get rid of a lot of his guitars and it turns out Cassie might get one if she pulls weeds for him from the hill. But she HAS to take care of them. He's going to teach her to play. She's already thinking about what songs she wants to learn. I think it's cool. I want her to play an instrument. Violin didn't suit her.
I also took my mom to get her nails done. I took Cassie to Gamestop to turn in some of her old games. She got something like $46 in store credit so she bought two games for her DS that she'd been wanting and she still has about $7 left. I think that's cool too.
After we got home from therapy my mother had spaghetti for us with sausage links. It was yummy. Cassie cleared and wiped down the table. Jordan did dishes - I think. Cassie and I also ended up going to the store to get milk, cereal and then soda. Jordan gave me $4 to get Dad's Cream Soda. I ended up getting one for him. One for his friend George. One for Cassie and one for me! It was 4 for $5. It worked. And then I found out I still have $16 left on my food card so I can get Easter stuff for the kids!! Yeah! Cassie wants fruit which I think is AWESOME!! So that's something I'll have to do this week - shop for Easter.
Anyway, I am still hurt. I'm still upset. Jason tried to call me twice and I didn't pick up, of course. He'll get the hint eventually if he hasn't figured it out yet. But now I'm going to finish watching "Ghost Hunters" which I believe is the mid season finale. Then if I'm still alive I'll take my night meds with an extra ativan or two and watch "Fact or Faked," but we'll see. Either way, I got to set the alarm. If I sleep I just hope tomorrow is a better day.
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