This day has sucked. I am so full of anxiety and feel sick to my stomach. I wish I would have slept through the day. I got a call from Welfare. Someone gave them a tip that Cassie wasn't living at home for the last couple of months. I said that that wasn't the case. That right now she was visiting her grandparents and was going to be back in a week and a half. They said they might send out an investigator. :-( So I'm freaked out. I called Jason. I called Linda because the first person I thought of was John my wonderful Ex Husband. Even she thinks he might have done it. Nice huh? Plus, I called Greg and confronted him and he said he wouldn't do that to me. Sure he could lie, but I don't think he was.
Anyway, I haven't told my mom. I know she would totally freak out and demand I get Cassie back and make her live here, even though it's not in her best interest. I don't know what to do. I just feel sick to my stomach and that I'm totally screwing things up. I feel like a failure. That I have screwed up bad. It's probably not going to be that bad, but I don't know. I keep thinking of ways that they can prove I'm taking welfare without having Cassie under my roof. I know I shouldn't do it, but I don't have SSI yet and this is not a good place for Cassie. My mother isn't nice to her when she's living here. I definitely don't want her here when Diana's here. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I really want to go cut on myself. I am having suicidal ideation - a little. Cutting is the big thing. I might end up in the hospital. Then they couldn't say shit about her being somewhere else. Being in the hospital wouldn't be a bad thing for my SSI case either. I feel crazy enough. Part of me wants to end it all. But I just can't. Wish I could though. I haven't felt this bad and this hopeless in a long time.
I wrote to my Aussie Ron. But I haven't heard back from him. He might be sick. I know it's winter over there. Or he might have left early and I only just wrote him. It's also the weekend so I might not hear from him for days. I just wish I could hear from him. It would make me feel better. Just hearing from him always makes my day.
Anyway, I'm shutting up now. I have managed to watch "Burn Notice" which had Sam in a very deadly position, but Michael was able with Fiona and Jesse able to rescue him and get the weapon that was stolen. I watched "Suits" which rescued a girl put in jail for something she didn't do. They tracked down the bad guy. And I'm going to finish watching "Covert Affairs." This had a hostage situation in it. So far so good.
Maybe I'll just drown myself with ativan. I also have vodka. I suppose I could take a couple of shots. I don't think it would hurt at this point. Anyway, that's it, I'm out of here.
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