Well, I should have written an entry for yesterday, but instead, the last thing I wanted was to do anything that didn't involve sleeping. Welfare sent out an interviewer. Not that I didn't expect it, but not so soon. I talked to him. Showed him her bed and showed him her clothes. It all ended up going okay, but my mom freaked out. Now she wants Cassie home or else I'll be kicked out. I just couldn't deal with it and went to sleep and kept sleeping. I only woke up enough to eat dinner than went right back to sleep. Each time I woke up I tried to force myself back sleep. But around noon my mom woke me up today because she needed to go to the bank and wanted to go to Walmart, so I got up and took her. I felt like crap though. Shaking like crazy and just no energy. While she went to the bank I waited for her. I can't remember if I started reading or not. But she didn't take long. She then gave me $15 for fuel and $3 to get something to eat when we got to Walmart. She knew I wasn't feeling good. As soon as we got to Walmart it took me a little time to get a parking spot, but I ended up with a decent one. My mom got me a cart and then I headed inside and to Walmart. I found a place to sit and had two McChicken sandwiches and got a Diet Dr.Pepper. I was on my third refill when we left. I could bearly stand up and I tried talking to my mother about Cassie staying at Jason and Susan's and she said that if I didn't get her back that she would kick me out and she meant it because she doesn't want to lose her social security. But I don't know. Fucking John. He had to fuck everything up. Whatever. He's never getting custody of Cassie.
I was so depressed and so despondent. I just thought how Jason was going to hate me because Cassie was probably going to have to come home. I thought it would be better without me around. Of course, Jason did point out to me that Cassie would go to John and that got my thinking about some kind of legal paperwork where Jason and Susan would take custody of Cassie should I pass away. I had Jason pretty freaked out because I guess I told him things would be better without me. So when I asked for his address he said he wasn't going to give it to me, so I called Susan and explained to her that this is if ANYTHING happens to me. That way they get custody and there will be no problem there. Once I get it from Linda I'll get it Nortorized and then figure out where to keep it safe - give Jason and Susan a copy. That way should anything happen to me by accident or by my accord Cassie will go with them and NOT her father. It broke my heart to hear Jason almost cry to me about my being suicidal. I forget how much I matter to people. Actually after my dark half part of the day Jason and Susan invited me out to dinner. At that time I had also gotten an email from my Aussie. He loved hearing from me, but he was worried when I said I wanted to hurt myself. Then Rick, the guy I thought had blown me off didn't! So I wrote him back and we might get together once he's back in San Diego next month. He's looking for a lover and I wouldn't mind one. :-) We'll have to see how it goes. I'm up for something more casual than committed oriented. Then Nicole called me and she read me some things that made me laugh. I needed that, so I got a lot of boosts when I needed them most. Oh and Jordan took his money and got us both Rolo McFlurries. Well, I kicked in a buck. But that was a nice treat too.
Anyway, I took a shower then Jason and Susan arrived. We went to Cici's Pizza. That was such a nice treat. We also talked to Cassie on the way there and on the way back to my place. I was so full! LOL! Then I came home and took two shots of vodka - NOTHING! LOL! Of course I did just eat a bunch of pizza. I have to say that this evening has turned out pretty nice. I haven't posted anything on Cafemom in the last two days so I did do one post and said I'd be back to posting tomorrow.
I'm starting to feel myself going backwards a little. Think I'll close this up, finish watching "Wild Animal Repo" and then see about going back to sleep. I worry too much. And I know Cassie is going to hate me and her father when she has to come home. Jason won't be happy - okay enough. I can't get back into that thinking. Just watch TV and get ready for bed.
Keep calm.
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