Down in the Dumps . . . But WHY??

Well, today was okay. I've been really depressed though. Not sure exactly why, but I am. I feel run down and kind of defeated. It sucks, but what do you do, right? I just have to ride through it, I guess. Maybe getting more sleep or finding purpose in my life again will help. I'm almost willing to take the extra paxil to boost my mood. It put me in a high the last time. I mean, not crazy high, but I was happy and doing very well for about three weeks or so. Then I started going down. Of course, with my sister here, it's hard for me to be happy at all. I mean, she hasn't started anything with me, but I don't want to be near her either incase she does go off. I'm sure she realizes I'm avoiding her. But as long as she doesn't turn into a bitch it's all good.

I think part of the depression is I also knowing Cassie is leaving town. I miss her anyway, but it's worse knowing she's leaving the city. She'll be in another state - Nevada visiting her Grandparents. She leaves on Saturday.

I don't know. I have this horrible pit in my stomach like something is just wrong or is going to go wrong. I hate feeling like this. I think I need my ativan tonight for sure. Maybe more than one. Maybe more like three! LOL! Though I have to settle down some how. And its not like I have had a bad day or anything. I woke up at 11:30am and I called the welfare office. I got some stuff taken care of and in fact, I think I have that secondary insurance off the medi-cal now. It was not good that Susan didn't get her check so I didn't get my money today. Hopefully tomorrow. If not, I'm screwed. I have to send in the insurance tomorrow or it'll be late. I just wish I felt better. But tomorrow I go over to Jason and Susan's for a BBQ to say good-bye to Cassie.

Anyway, I didn't do any reading today. I actually had the computer all day which is different for me. LOL! So it was nice to play on it all day for a change. But there wasn't much going in any of the groups I'm in. Then I've also watched soom TV. I watched several "Project Runway" episodes, then "Burn Notice" which was really good. But the ending was so creepy. The one setting Micheal up for murder can mimmic him perfectly! Then I watched "Suits" and now I'm going to chill out to "Covert Affairs."

Okay, time for meds - ATIVAN being the first on the list.