Throwback Thursday

Yes, this is a throwback day. I woke up to go to class, but I gave up on the idea. I could hardly keep my eyes open, so I shut off the alarm and went back to sleep. When I woke up I felt depressed. As much as I tried not to do it, I bashed myself for letting Cassie stay home from school yesterday. Like what kind of parent am I? And I am trying to tell myself I am a good parent. I guess it depends on what your definition is of good parent. But I just feel like I did a crap job with her and with Jordan. I don't know. I just feel like a failure and this is something I haven't felt for a couple of weeks at least. I was doing very well the last three weeks or so. Maybe it's because I'm PMSing. I have been having cramps. I've been irritable and of course, I'm very, tired - sleepy really.

Anyway, I heard from Greg that I might not be able to stay the month with him. His Aunt is coming out to take care of stuff, but he doesn't know what, but that they talked about selling the house . . . blah, blah, blah. But he knows less about what's going on in his life than I know what's going on in mine. That's sad. Plus, he doesn't stand up for himself. He lets people run all over him and take what's his! But anyway, I told my mom I might not have anywhere to go and she got upset. And she started getting nasty with me!!! Like I could do anything about it. She doesn't take into consideration that I don't want to be here either! As it is, I am having major anxiety because I am terrified her and Jordan will get into it and that she'll start shit with me and I just can't handle it. If I had 100 ativan, that might do it for the month to get me through it! LOL! I have a little extra at the moment, but not nearly enough! Especially since I'm going to have to take a couple to calm down enough to sleep well. Hopefully I won't get any nightmares. 

Jordan and I did go out earlier though. First it was to turn in my prescriptions. On the way home, we stopped and got crickets for Tubbie. What's funny is that I had Jordan go in. He came back with crickets that were too big so I sent him back in and they were like, "We know who your mother is now. She's the one with the fire belly!" LOL! I got a good laugh at that one. Then later we went back out.  I thought I'd be picking up five prescriptions. Well, I got four. Two of them I hadn't exptected so that still leaves me with three to get. The ones I had expected weren't ready! Ugh! They said come back at 6:00pm and we did. Oh well . . . just get them tomorrow. I did do something I shouldn't have. I let Jordan get us a couple of candy bars too. They had the 2 for 2 special still going and I told Jordan what to do. He got me a Milkyway and a 3 Musketeer. He got himself a Milkyway and a little bag of Wild Berry Skittles.

I wanted to go back out later, but Jordan didn't. It's cool though. Though I need the medication, it's not going to tell me not to have it. But boy am I going to need it for tomorrow.

Nothing else really went on. I cuddled with Karissa quite a bit. It makes me feel better when I do. She has a calming effect on me. I also watched "The First 48." Right now, I'm just chilling out to "River Monsters." It's been nice that it's been on all week in the evenings. It's awesome. 

Today wasn't a bad day except for how I am feeling about myself. Kimberly called and it was great to talk with her. She said I helped her and talking with her helps me too. I should make more of an effort to call her. Maybe over the weekend. I just hope I feel better by the weekend, though I won't hold my breath. I'm just going to continue to work my GRAPES and do what I can. I hate feeling like I'm back at the beginning, but it is what it is. Maybe it's just PMS and that it'll go away after it comes and goes. I can hope anyway.