Well, today sucked. I woke up about 12:30pm. I almost slept later, but my mom had to come in and wake me up - being a bitch, no less. All the derogatory comments about what kind of person am I and blah, blah, blah. All crap I've had to deal with before. I never get up. I never do anything. Actually, I was getting up and going to do things not more than a week ago. This week I haven't. But do you even think she'd remember that? Of course not! But on the brightside, she'd made me something to eat. So I got up nd ate. Had to listen to her blah, blah, blah more. Asking me again about Greg like I know anything. Then I find out that Diana isn't coming in June! She's coming June 23rd and staying through July! Ugh. Last person I want to see. Especially with the way I've been feeling today.
I did take Jordan to the pharmacy and they had one medication for me - NOT the right ones! But I couldn't get Jordan to wait for another 15 minutes. Apparently my wonderful medical doctor's office sent the prescriptions to the wrong pharmacy and I even gave them the phone number!! So it'll be another day before I get my meds, which also sucks. Then when we got home Jordan had to sweep the sidewalk and the gutter and, of course, he had to do a half-assed job. So another reason for my mother to come to me and bitch at me about that. She has basically bitched at me all day long. She has threatened me that she'll kick me out if Cassie doesn't come home. Cassie doesn't want to come home and I don't want her miserable around my mom. But I'm scared to get kicked out. I know sooner or later I'm going to have to find somewhere to go, but I don't know how. The government has cut my money again. All I feel like is that I have ruined her life. I guess she loves me. I kind of accept that, though I think it's more than she feels responsible for me. I guess I am a kid that never quite grew up. I thought I did, but I don't know. If I had money to live I would be on my own. But $516 isn't even enough to rent a studio apartment anywhere around here or anywhere decent for that matter. I will not move to drugs and gangs central. Not unless I really have no other choice. But then I doubt I'll have enough money for bills. It'll all go to rent. Then were will that leave me? I'll have nothing and no where to go. This just makes me want to break down and just start crying. Tears are literallly burning in my eyes to fall. So now I have to be freaked out about my future. What am I going to do? It's got me so that I can barely function. I have been dragging all day and just tired. I think a lot of it is this added stress. Plus I have thought about cutting. The urge has gotten quite strong. So far I haven't acted on it. But I want to badly. Which means I've been thinking about going to the Emergency Room and see about being admitted, but then I worry about Karissa. I know, crazy. Not like they won't take care of her. I don't know. I just feel stressed out and I feel like I should go to the ER, but I don't want to. It means time in the hospital and then going to a crisis house. It might actually do me good, but I don't know. I just hate being so afraid.
I don't know what I'm going to do. All I know is that to try to relax I've laid down. I've cuddled and talked with Karissa. My sweet kitty groomed me several times today. I think she knows I'm not doing very well. Emotionally I'm in the pit. I thought maybe it was PMS, but I have all these extra stressors now. My mother is constantly bitching. My sister is coming. I have nowhere to go. My place to live is being threatened. I'm in the middle of my mom and Jordan. She gets mad when I don't say anything. I don't know. I can't make Cassie miserable. I can't do it. Because of that I might get kicked out. It's not enough that I struggled with whether or not I'm a good parent because I nitpic everything I do or don't do. I recount all the ways I've failed Jordan. I'm starting to wish I were dead again and I haven't felt that for awhile now. So between feeling like this, the strong desire to cut all the stress, I guess I am ready for the rubber room. But I don't know. I'll sleep tonight and see how I feel tomorrow.
I have tried to relax a bit watching "River Monters: The Lost Reels" which was pretty cool. Before that I watched "Criminal Minds." I can't remember anything else, but I basically laid down for awhile and just tried to nap. Anyway, Animal Planet is re-running "River Monsters: The Lost Reels" so maybe I'll try to sleep to it. Maybe tomorrow will be better. If not, I have to consider going to the hospital.
No comments:
Post a Comment