You know what? I HATE men!

I am on the verge of breaking up with my boyfriend and to be honest, if I had a car, we might have broken up awhile ago. Maybe that means I'm using him, but it seems the only way he feels appreciated for anything is through sex and since I share a room with my daughter and am not inclined to go hop into the back of the minivan like an over hormoned teenager he's acting like an ass. Actually, I think this is really because I didn't invite him over Saturday night when Cassie was spending the night with friends. You know, he upset me the night before and then that day he flaked out on taking me, Cassie, Jordan and some of his friends to Jordan's birthday party at Jason and Susan's. God knows I couldn't have it here. Between my mother and Diana they would have ruined it. But Susan . . . sweetheart that she is, did two trips to get us all there. Then Greg Texts me with his usual, "I'm sorry. I fell asleep." Okay fine . . . but this induces me to WANT to invite him over for sex? He almost ruined my son's 17th birthday party and he wants sex?? OMG! Anyway, so that was really what started this, though it's been brewing for awhile. He basically was complaining about driving me around. Everytime telling me about how it was his last tank of gas and once it was out . . . But he always managed to have enough. Plus, between Jason and I, we had given him $140 for fuel for the month! I mean, maybe that wasn't enough with everywhere I had to go this month, but jeez!! Then not showing up at least three times??? How does that work out?

Anyway, he wants to be just kissy friends, which really would have been cool with me, except the fact that he doesn't fit into my friend category. My friends are there for me. They don't leave me high and dry. In fact, instead of having to worry about getting Cassie and I to therapy Jason and Susan said they would make sure I get there, at least this week. We'll see what we can do after that. But I am just done. I am done wondering if he's actually going to show up when he says. I am tired of the bullshit about the fuel when I actually paid him for it this month. I am tired of the unknown and the bullshit about how he can't go without sex for so long. Maybe he can't, but you know, it's not like we live together and I'm denying him. I share a bed with my daughter in my mother's house! He doesn't get it. He never will. And I'm am tired of it. And to be honest, as good as he is in bed, I don't need it. I don't need it from any man. I can do fine on my own.

So now, outside of Jason and my son, I basically hate men, I think. I know for a fact I will NEVER have another relationship again. I think I am happier and better off on my own. All I need is a car and I will be good to go. Jason and Susan are going to help me try to find one by some miracle that I can afford. It might mean no Christmas for my kids, but a car will take precidence. They're not happy, but they understand. I will be so depressed though . . . It'd going to hit me hard . . . No presents for them at all . . . except what Jason and Susan can give them and gifts from Susan's mom. I am just done with men . . . They are only good for sex maybe . . . and you know, I don't even need that anymore. I just want Greg to be gone. He will probably crying and boo-hoo and threaten to kill himself, but you know what? I want him gone! I don't need the extra stress. I will end up with a heart attack, a stroke, and ucler or back in the looney bin with him in my life.

So the only thing have to say to him is good-bye!

Aggravation Already This Morning

The aggravation has already started . . . I can't reach Greg. He knows that Jordan's party is today. The boys are all waiting for him to come. I have texted him. Called him. And NOTHING! I HATE it when this happens. It raises my anxiety and stress levels through the roof. I mean, I know he doesn't sleep normal. Neither do I. But commitments are commitments . . . And he expects me to marry him at some point? He said last night that I didn't trust him and you know, I guess I don't. I don't trust him to pick me up when he says he is. I don't trust him to be here when I need him. Not that he hasn't been there to take Cassie to urgent care, but it seems like appointments and stuff are hit and miss and since this is my son's birthday party and he's flaking I am not very happy at all.

Of course, I just talked to Jason who is hosting the party with Susan and he's going to have Susan pick us up. And pick up the boys too. She's got a little car, but maybe it will work out in a couple of trips. Guess Greg will just have to live with the fact that he let us down. I just get so sick of hearing, "I'm sorry." I mean, I understand a lot of it, but you know, I hear it so often and this is my son's birthday party!!! Then he expects me to be in the mood more often than I am for adult time . . . Yeah . . . with the stress he puts me through??

Anyway, I am just angry. I will get over it, but I hate it.

Okay - moving on! LOL!

Well, the exchanging to emails with the gruesome twosome finally stopped after Nicole got one final email that threatened there would be pix posted on the net. Even if there weren't any pix to post, that's a threat and against the law. It's the same threats I was getting for her in the emails I was getting (Oh Kenny is so mad he's threatening to post the pictures of her kissing his dad . . .) Well, she didn't even kiss him, but the emails were also getting aggrivating I guess. Anyway, she called the sheriff and the sheriff calls Comatos Dean's phone - Denise answered!! She hung up on the officer too saying they had the wrong number. But he called back and had a chat with her. She apparently said we had been harassing her. Well . . . I kept every email so . . . But anyway, I haven't heard from her since and it's probably for the best - though I still have my MySpace fake blog and it's been interesting. I'm having loads of fun with that!

Anyway, Cassie had her party last week at Embassy Suites and for the most part it was a wonderful party! There were, however, two little girls that were acting up and I ended up sending them home. In 17 years I have NEVER had to send a kid home from a party. Anyway, because the boys were getting a ride back from one of the mothers the boys had to go too. They were rowdy, but not really that bad. They could have stayed a little longer.

Well, after those kids left and we only had Katie, Melissa, Samantha and Alicia, the party was fantastic! The girls spent most of the time swimming and then Elevator tag was great. Cassie got mostly Littlest Pet Shop so the girls all played that for awhile. So late that when they finally went to watch Wall-E that Cassie fell asleep shortly after it started! LOL! The next day was breakfast and more swimming! I tell you, I was so exhausted that I was asleep before 8pm and slept for a good 17 hours. Both Cassie and I woke up with sore throats so I let her stay home. After 17 hours of sleep though, we both felt better! LOL! I got a great photo of Cassie blowing out the candles on her cake. As soon as I can get the pix on a DVD-Rom, I'll be posting it. In fact, I'll just post the party pix!

Then on Wednesday was my son Jordan's official 17th birthday! He didn't really care about me fixing any big dinner, but I did make him a cake! I made him a chocolate cherry cake with chocolate frosting. Greg came over so that he could take Jordan to cash his check from his grandparents, use the Gamestop gift card that I got him and a little money Greg was willing to kick in to get the video game he wanted - Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. Anyway, Greg took this incredible pic of Jordan blowing out the candles and the candles are almost all the way out. It was awesome. But he has to give me that photo yet. It is a good one though. so it's just another I want to post and can't at the moment. LOL!

Cassie went in for a flu shot yesterday and ended up getting three other shots - booster for menegitis, Tetnus and gardisil. She still needs a booster for chicken pox which I might remember the doctor when she goes in for a physical. As it is, I need to take Jordan in for a physical and he's going to need a whole series of shots too. And I have an appointment for a physical on Monday - finally. I kept putting it off, so I finally decided to bite the bullet and just do it or I wasn't going to. So we'll see what the doctor has to say.

And lastly, tomorrow is Jordan's birthday party! It's not going to be anything big. He didn't want anything big. He wanted just some friends over. But NOT here. Can't blame him with my mother and Diana being even worse some days. So we're having it over at Jason and Susan's. What's so nice is that they're getting him some pizzas and a cake! Yay! Or I would be making one. And other than that, the kids are just going play video/pc games. Boys are not hard to please really. LOL!

Tonight though, it looks like we might have to take Cassie in to urgent care to get a stupid Doctor's note. I can't wait for tomorrow and the doctor never called me back - or rather the nurse. Having to get a doctor's note each time is a real pain in the ass. They just want her in that seat no matter how horrible she feels. At least the good thing tonight is that I get to see Atlantis tonight. It sucks though, because they're not going to renew the series. They're going to send it to movies like they did SG-1. Well, they only did 2 movies for SG-1! That wasn't enough. Who knows what they'll do for Atlantis . . . Hopefully at least 2. But we'll see.

Anyway, just a lot of ups and downs. Life gets crazy! All we can do is keep going - NEXT! Moving On!!

More From the Junior High Side of Life!

As you know, I wrote Kenny after him having written to me. I also tried to contact him on his myspace and I also sent Denise an email. I figured my chain was getting yanked around and now I KNOW I am being yanked around, but I'm gonna play it out anyway.

I sent Denise a very simple email. I was trying to flush out the truth. In fact, I figured I wouldn't hear from her again. Actually, I wrote her twice. I was doing it to try to get a response, but I didn't expect one. These are the emails I wrote-

The first one:

Kenny wrote me an email and I thought I would drop you a line. He said that you would be open to patching things up. If you are, I would be open to it. We might have to sort a couple of things out. But you can reach me at this addy if it's true and you want to.

I never did stop loving you like a sister.

Lilly

This was the second one:

I heard that Dean tried to kill himself and that he's on a ventilator. I just wanted to tell you that even if you hate me now, I'll be here for you.

Lilly

I never figured I'd hear back from here. But I was still writing on the MySpace page that I made just for this yanking of my chain. Here's what I posted there:

Well, I had a falling out with a friend. I figured it was done and over. Then, here is it, a couple of months later, I hear from her son. I mean, I'm glad I did. It would be nice if he were serious and not yanking my chain about her wanting to be friends again, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Still, if it's the truth, I'd be open to it. There are just things that I couldn't do and trust might be an issue.

I guess we'll see!

Life is full of surprises . . . good and bad ones.

Yeah, this is a set up of mine, but when you know you're getting played, don't you ever just want to play back? I set this account up just to mess with her. Anyway, to my surprise today, I had an email from her. The only thing is - SHE didn't write it. I KNOW she didn't because I know her writing. I have it posted in this blog actually and there is no way she wrote this. However, I replied to it like I bought it, hook, line and sinker . . . I mean I want to see how this will eventually play out.

Maybe it seems crazy that I'm posting all of this on here, but for me, it's a way to help me remember. That I can keep track of things and that there is some kind of record other than those on my email. I don't know. To me it just seems to help.

Anyway, this is what I got back from her:

Krystina

Hi there. I just wanted to write you and address all your email to kenny and i. Sorry for the delay but Deans parents were down for a week and it was pure hell. They absolutely hate me and want nothing to do with me. The kids are just fine and i should have full custody by december. I just signed off on our divorce and should br final within a few months. Deans parents made it difficult to try and do anything. Sunday was Deans birthday and sheila deans mom was on a witch hunt with me all day. As you allready know Dean tried to take his life and his chances of recovery are slim. Kenny has Deans journals that he was keeping and will not share them with me. He has threatened me if i try and pry them out of him. So with that all being said i really don't know why dean made this attempt other then it has something to do with nicole. I will leave it at this because i dont know. But what i do know is deans mom wants her head on a block. (His mother was actually telling him to take it slow with her because she was just out of a relationship . . . so that's one BIG strike right there for this)

Kenny is a bit confused about your email and then what you posted on your blog about trust. To be honest with you i think i will stear clear and leave that between you two. He just wondered about the yanking your chain thing. (I thought it was rather clear . . .)

I have been going through a lot of therapy over the past month. I have to attend mandatory groups and check in with the safe house three times a day. If i miss one time i go back so i am under the gun as far as my time during the day.

While i am thinking about it i don't know which hospital dean is at they refuse to tell me. I do know that he is scheduled to be transfered to oregon sometime this month. I also know the good part of Dean that we all knew is dead. Even if he comes out of it chances are he will be severly crippled. I am not sure what happened other then he ingested something very posinous. (Okay, but his mother, his father, her son . . . I bet they would know where he's at! And Kenny never said a word so I have have a hard time believing this)

I am going through some very sad times and i do not expect anything from anyone. right at this moment i really dont know how to feel other then i just need and try to move on. I am sorry that you and your family got cought up in my manic moment. But furthurmore my compulsive disorder behavior. This is what i need to keep in check and somedays it is easier then others. The book is just thrown away for a long time and even though the doctors say its good for therapy this is one time i will strongly disagree. (I don't believe for a moment she put the book down and with as obessive as she got, there is no way in the world a doctor would tell her it's good therapy! She worked on that book to the exclusion of her family! Emotionally abusing them and even physically, if Dean is to be believed at this point, though she did end up in the hospital, obviously.)

If i dont write to you much its because i am dealing with trying to get my kids back then Dean close to dying. I can't turn back and i have to try and make everyday a little better then the previous. If you hear from Nicole please pass on that i will try and write her but i need a little time. I love her to death but kenny wrote her a email and when she didnt respond that really hurt him. Maybe she has her reasons. I am so happy she could make dean happy. I have spoken to neighbors and they told me he was a completely different person. I need to close for now so i can cry for awhile I am just so sorry for all the pain i have caused.

Take care

Denise

If she is really sorry, than I am glad because it shows that she's grown some. But all this about Dean killing himself and all that . . . I don't know. Plus, Kenny's mood on his MySpace page is Excited and he's on it every day. I don't know about you, but for me, I don't think my mood would be excited if my dad were about dead . . . Even Heather's says that she Very Happy. Hmmmm . . . Unless they want wanted their dad dead there is something very wrong with this picture.

Anyway, I did reply back. I don't expect to hear anything more now. If I do I will be totally shocked! But here's what I wrote:

Hey Denise,

I will keep this short because I know your time is precious and that you have so much to contend with. I just wanted to address a couple of things. First off, with my blog, you can take a look at it yourself. I was simply concerned that this might be a joke on me - like the kind we used to do in Junior High. I am sorry if he was hurt. It was never my intention. In fact, I said that I hoped it was honest and true.

The other thing is the trust. That wasn't directed at Kenny and if he read my emails to him he would know that the issues that I speak of dealing with trust are the ones related to John. I have my concerns that you are still on contact with him and I would really rather that he didn't know my business; even just day to day stuff. I am happy with not having contact with him and not hearing about him, so I would rather he not hear about me. It's as simple as that.

Also, Nicole never meant to hurt Kenny. Dean was writing to her using the kids' accounts and so she felt she needed to block them. Having read the emails he sent to her, I don't blame her in the least. I am sorry it came down to this on his part. She never even meant to hurt Dean. To her knowledge she didn't do anything. If you've read the emails then you know I was speaking with her every day. I have a better idea of the truth.

Anyway, I am glad you're getting help. Are you on medication? What medication is it and is it working for you? That's probably the more important of the two. Cassie misses you and the kids. Jordan too. You are always welcome to call. You have my number. It's on one of the emails to Kenny if you no longer have it.

I never stopped caring about you. Take care. Write when you can.

Lilly

I would feel bad if Dean were really hurt, but part of me wishes this wasn't just some stupid joke. However, I know it is and I'm going to keep creating my own part in this because I can . . . It's like writing a book, knowing you have a captive audience. I already started with my second blog entry for MySpace and in a week I'll add a bit more, though tomorrow I'll write something that's true! It's what I did yesterday. If you mix enough truth in with a single little lie, it sounds very, very believable. Not that I make a habit of lying, but I do make a habit of writing stories and so I know how these things can go.

Anyway, as much as I am amused by all of this, I am struggling with some wicked depression. It could be partly because of this, but there are a lot of other factors. At least this gives me something to think about and more stuff to plot out and maybe it might even inspire a new story for me to write! Anything is possible. Gotta try to pull the positive out of this as much as possible - that and the humor.

Junior High All Over Again?

Okay, I'm almost 40 and the last thing I should be doing is playing around like I'm in Junior High. You might be thinking, "Well, it's good to stay young!" NOT like this! LOL! Basically the friend I had a falling out with is out of the hospital - halfway house or whatever. Turns out some of it might have been a lie anyone - Her soon-to-be Ex turned out to be quite the freak actually.

Anyway, last Friday or Saturday, I get an email, from their son:

Hi Lilly,

I was wondering if your still mad at my mom? The reason I'm asking is because right now she really needs your friendship. But I know that your not intrested into ever speaking to her.

I thought you should know that aunt Nicole started dating our dad after everything happened to mom Aunt Nicole played with oiur dad's heart and he tried to take his life because of Aunt Nicole. He is on a ventilator and the father i knew is dead and the Dean you used to know is gone.

Nicole promised me if things ever went bad no matter what she would take me in. I emailed her a few days ago and she has not responded so she has shown me her true colors.

I do have a question for you And I want you to think about something, I have a feeling that someone set out to distory your long term friendship by telling you lies about each other and getting you to stop writing the book with mom I'm not saying names but that person really wanted you both to be hurt and then she could make you both beleve that she really cared.

You know how to reach mom if you ever want to try and patch things up. I think the way i feel about you all is blown way out of proportion. We have been home from the safe house for a few days now. The house seems very empty without my dad.

One more thing in closing I have learned that my family seemed safe and secure and I think Nicole destroyed that because of her own family failure not once but twice. I cannot believe the way she manipulated my dad and your friendship with my mom.

Love Kenneth

Here was my Response:

Hey Kenny,

To be honest, it's good to hear from you. I've been worried sick about you and your sister. I have never wanted anything but the best for both of you. Somewhere along the way, I think it was forgotten by what was said about me. Still, I have NEVER stopped caring about either of you.

Also Jordan and Cassie have missed you both - even if Heather thought Cassie was a bit spoiled. But the best kids sometimes are.

Anyway, I really don't have any trouble being friends with your mother against except for two things. Well, maybe three things. 1) I don't know if I can trust that things I tell her or write her won't get back to John - my Ex husband - since she is in contact with him now. 2) I will NOT work on the book with her under any circumstances. Personally, no one made me stop writing with her. I do not have the same passion about the book that she does. It's her book. I tried, but to be honest, I have so much more going on in my life that I just can't put my heart into someone else's project. I tried to explain that to her (and yes, I didn't like the way she was treating you or your sister). Yes, I might have been told one thing, but that one thing wasn't the deciding factor for me. It was merely the last straw. The rest I had seen and heard myself. I am not so easily lead. If you think so, then you still have more to learn about your aunt. :-) But the thing is, if your mom had been a friend, she would have understood. Of course, I also recognize the fact that she was in an obsessive state with the bipolar and histrionic personality disorder which is why I would be open to being friends. Sometimes these things can't be helped. I understand being bipolar myself. :-P I just will not work on that book ever again. 3) And this one is something that I guess I will have to explain a little to you as well. I won't deal with any attempts to poison my mind about other friends. And yes, I do mean Nicole.

Kenny, I need to explain something to you. While your dad was getting together with Nicole I was hearing about it every day. She made it clear to him that friendship was all she could handle. It was your father that made way more out of it than what was there. I won't debate it, but having heard every day about it I have a good idea of the truth of the matter. I also know Nicole a lot better than you do. Anyway, I don't know what else I can say. I know you will believe your parents as any good kid should. But it's the truth as I know it. If I had been hearing from Nicole once a week or something, I could maybe say that she was lying - though I know better. But every day? Why would anyone call me and lie every day? Not even someone really diabolical would go out of their way to lie. It's too easy to get caught that way.

I am sorry to hear about your father. He should have sought some real help. When someone takes their life, it is because their coping skills were not able to compensate for the stress and pain in their life. But when someone has kids they have a duty to seek help before it gets that far. It's why I always end up at the hospital or a crisis house. I have to think of where Cassie and Jordan would end up otherwise.

But tell me, are you and your sister okay? Where are you guys now? Who are you staying with? If you want to stay here, I might be able to do something about that. It would take a lot of convincing, but maybe. I do want to be there for you. That's what I've wanted since the beginning was just to help - at least where it came to you guys. Other than that, I needed my space from that book. But make no mistake that it was your mother that ended our friendship because of the book. It wasn't because of anything else. If it wasn't, then how could I know she was going to react the way she did to me? Anyway, that's really here nor there now. And it doesn't involve you. Guess I'm just writing out my thoughts.

If you want, please keep in touch. Let me know how you are doing and let me know if you want to come visit. I wish I could say that I could pick you up. Unfortunately, I no longer have a car. But I'm still here at my mother's.

Jordan would love to talk with you. I'd love to hear from you too. If you want, you can call: XXX-XXX-XXXX. It's the same number as always.

You know, if I thought I could trust your mom and that she was really open to being friends I would reach out. But I think maybe the ball has to be in her court and I have to know that I can trust her not to chat with John. I don't know if I can. But if she wants to reach me, she can do it the same way you did, or she can email one of my other accounts. I just think it needs to be her that reaches out. However, I'm open to the idea, but she'd have to convince me about John.
Anyway, I think I have said my peace. I love you, kid. I always have. That has never changed once through all of this. I hope you contact me back. Btw, what hospital is your dad at? I am not being morbid, but how did he attempt it? Only because I'm curious what the doctor said about his prognosis . . . Will he recover? And maybe Greg can take me up there to visit . . . I don't know. But I understand what he was feeling. Still, I wish he would have thought about you kids first.

Okay, well . . . with the holidays coming things are crazy. Would you want to come over for Jordan's birthday? We're having his party on November 22nd here at the house. It's not going to be much. Just some friends, cake, sleep over . . . video games. LOL! That's what you boys do all night, right?

Cassie's bday party is on the 15th. It's going to be at the Embassy Suites again and if Heather wants to come, she would be more than welcome.

Well, guess I've rambled on long enough now. You know how to reach me if you want. I'm here for you.

Love you,

Aunt Lilly

Okay, I suspicious from the moment the email was sent. I wanted to believe it, but there was something in my gut that told me my chain was being yanked. So I was also going fishing, if you noticed. As I said, I was talking to Nicole almost every day. Dean spun his own version of the truth all the time apparantly - more than either of us realized and we started to wonder if HE doesn't have some kind of mental illness too! Not sure what though. It doesn't seem like bipolar. Though I could be wrong. I'm only really aware of my own symptoms and such. But I think it's more or different than that.

Anyway, I got a response from Kenny:

Hi Lilly,

I got your message. As far as mom talking to john she never spoke to him but one time then she wound up in jail. The last two months she has had no way to get to a computer. She does not even have a my space account anymore and thats been awhile.

My dads parents are here and it's more then i can handle. They have got him dead before he is. Last i had heard he was showing signs of improvement. They have partial custody of us untill my mom is fully released from the doctor. they want us to finish growing up in oregon.

Looks like we might come out on the loosing end because my dads parents hate My mom with a passion.

Just between you and i. i have my dads journals that explain a lot of different things that happened with nicole. It was all good before the end and i want to share them with you both someday. Pray my dad does not wake up because he may share them with tim and the photos. I don't want to sound mean but that is why i am keeping my mouth shut. Deans mom has been looking for them. They are safely tucked away.

Take care Lilly,

Kenneth

Now, there were a few signs in this email that immediately got my attention. 1) he avoided my question about where his father was and instead jumped into Nicole. By the way, there are no photos. There never were. If there was a journal, it was about Dean's fantasies about them, which he admitted to her anyway and 2) he refers to his grandmother as Dean's mother . . . Uh . . . Okay? Would you call your grandmother your father's name's mother? It was just really, really strange and so I ended up not completely buying it and so went on another fishing expedition.

Hey Kenny,

Why don't you give me a call and we can talk. I would love to talk to you. I would also like to go see your father. Maybe take some flowers to him or something. What happened anyway? Do the doctors think he'll recover? Plus, I think I'd like to see those photos and his journal. As you said, it might explain a lot.

My offer still stands if you want to come visit Jordan for his bday. Or really if you just want to visit too. All you have to do is call and I'll see what I can do, though you might have to catch a bus to me since I can't drive at the moment. But I would to see you and I know Jordan would too; very much.Anyway, sorry about your grandparents. You and your sister should have had a say and wouldn't your mother have to agree that they can take you out of the state? As long as they don't have full custody of you, that should be the case. I could be wrong.

Well, you can let you mom know she can contact me. I won't jump on her. It will be like nothing happened, except that I won't work on the book every again. As far as Nicole . . . I have to see this stuff you have before I can make a determination. It's just how I am. Did your mom delete her myspace account? Not that I can't check. I just don't have one anymore and would rather not. I just need to know that she won't talk to John. Period.

Anyway, please call and let me know how you're doing and if you want to come visit. We'd love to see you.Please stay in touch.

Take care.

Love you kid,

Aunt Lilly

Well, just because I always check what I can when something seems suspicious, I decided to check out Kenny's MySpace page! Guess what?? His mood said he was Excited and his sister's said she was Happy!! LOL! Now, if my father were in the hospital, almost dead and on a ventilator, I don't think I would be happy or excitied! Also, I decided to check his friends page and guess who DOES have a MySpace page?? Yep, his mom . . . Anyway, of course, I had to reply to that.

Hey Kenny,

Just thought I'd write you another quick message and hope you have time to respond. I decided to check out your myspace page and I found your mother's page. I would just ask that you don't lie to me again. Now I really can't trust that she won't tell what I say to her to John. I want to be able to trust her. I would have actually liked to have patched things us, but I have to wonder just what is really going on. I would really like to know the truth. Because if this is just some game, I would be so sad. I have never stopped loving you or your sister. In fact, I never stopped loving your mom like a sister. But I can't play games.

If you're serious and not playing games with me, please don't lie to me again. Just be straight. It hurts to think that you would lie and play games with me. I have never done that to you. I have NEVER done that with your mother, regardless of what she might think.

I still wish you the best and if you still want to call or come for a visit, you're welcome to. Just be honest with me. No games. Okay?

Love you,

Aunt Lilly

Well, surprise surprise I have NEVER heard back again! LOL! I even wrote to him on his MySpace and asked how he was and if his dad was still on the ventilator. LOL! I even wrote to Denise and I told her that I heard Dean was on a Ventilator and that I still cared about here (which I really do) and that I would be there for her if she needed me! LOL! NOTHING!

Anyway, I went one step further and created a MySpace page again - it's how I wrote to Kenny on MySpace, but it's really just a dummy page. I mean, some of the blog will be real and some of it will just be totally fake. I mean, I had my chain yanked and even though this is so Junior High, I am yanking theirs. In fact, I wrote to Kenny in the hopes he'd show his mom, so she'd visit the blog and maybe even get my Ex to visit the blog! Either way, I'm going to keep it up. I have a WHOLE storyline plotted for it! And who knows, they might never read it, but I have a feeling I'll have an avid audience! LOL!

Okay, that's my ramble about being thrown back into Junior High. I think it's hilarious for the most part, but I do have to admit that dealing with these people do raise my anxiety level. Still . . . I'm not willing to just walk away after having my leg pulled like that. They deserve a bit of what was dished out!

On the dark side of life

I would love to say that my life is happy and wonderful all the time. Or that my problems are few and fleeting and I can manage to get past them with the forced smile, having it end up only a little bump in the road. But that's not my lot in life. It never was. I was born from an affair, and though my birthmother had the best intentions for my life, she chose a couple where the woman was an obesseve-compulsive bitch that didn't want me to begin with and only did it because her husband (my dad) wanted a baby. Maybe in the beginning she thought she could mold me into a mini version of herself like she had done with her other daughter. I grew up hearing just how perfect she was compared to me (and she's at least 22 years older than me). I also heard what a slob I was. How I never listened. That I was a brat . . . that I was fat. Yeah, that was a big one. Always another diet . . . No wonder I was suicidal when I was just 9-10 years old. During my teens, she made my life hell. When I'd told her I'd been molested - about 10 years after the fact, her words to me were, "I told you not to let anyone touch you!" And to this day, she STILL sees nothing wrong in that statement.

But this goes way beyond teenage stuff. I am bipolar. She has never accepted it. Never tried to understand it. She has never tried to help me keep the symptoms under control . . . Instead, her house, her house, her house . . . Her house is more important that anyone or anything living in it. It's always been about her HOUSE. Who cares about anyone! The HOUSE has to look like a museum!

And so, today is my daughter's 11th birthday. You'd think she'd actually be NICE . . . Well, not my mother . . . She starts in on my AND my daughter about everything she can. Just today, she's caused Cassie to cry at least three separate times . . . threated to kick us out. Told me that I was a liar and a thief! When I confronted her about the thief part, you know what she had to say? That I'm a thief of her time!!! WHAT?! So I told her if I was, she was just as bad! I mean, don't you think, if I could I would be GONE! If I had the money I would be so out of here. She would NEVER hear from me again. No her, not my siblings . . . no one in her fricken little family! I HATE THEM ALL! If I had any alternative other than a shelter, I would take it. But all I have is my kids and my things - some of which I've had since I was a kid. To lose those would be losing that last bit of me that still exists.

And besides trying not to cry myself, all I can think of . . . all I can dream of when I close my eyes is cutting myself . . . Just cutting on myself to see the blood come out. Believe it or not, it calms me down. It's twisted, but true. I've only resorted to that once and I put MYSELF in the hospital. But I feel so close to that line right now. Do you think she cares? No . . . In fact, I think she would love to see me go over the edge . . . lose the kids . . . be on the streets or at least come begging her for whatever she wants . . . I guess to give her my soul for whatever acceptance she'll dole out, which is NOTHING. This might be all personal and sound like I'm just whining and feeling sorry for myself . . . but you have no idea what I go through. I try so hard to hang on. It takes so much out of me just to get through a single day . . . and I get no help in staying stable. In fact, I am only continually destabilized here.

As it is, I am considering going to the ER and if nothing else having them give me something to calm me down. My lower back is killing me too. This has just been a shitty day all around. I don't know how much worse it could have gotten for Cassie and I . . . except having my mother die and being left at my sister's bidding. I hate them so much . . . I would leave and go away and never come back. I am not staying because I want anything from her when she dies. I have what I want from her actually. I just want to go away and leave these people far behind before I hurt myself or god-forbid someone else.

Drama and Mind Games

How is it that I get drawn into the games. I guess I just care so much and part of me won't let the past be the past. That I still care about Denise. That I will always love her kids. When Kenny emailed me, I thought, "Wow! Maybe he needs help and wants to stay in touch." I have been writing him since last night.

He was telling me how his dad is on a respirator because he tried to kill himself over Nicole. That his grandparents had partial custody of them until their mother was released from the doctor's care. He said his mother needed my friendship and I said I'd be open to it except for a few hurdles. The typical that I wouldn't write on that book ever again and that I won't deal with negatism about Nicole, but the BIGGEST thing for me is that I don't know if I can trust her not to go running to John - my ex husband - with anything I might say or write to her.

Well, try to try convince me, he told me that she doesn't even have a MySpace anymore . . . I decided I'd test that theory. I went to HIS page. Guess who I found? Anyway, now I feel jerked around. That this is some kind of game. I've written him. Told him that I still love and care about him and his sister. That if they still want to come visit I'm open to it. They just need to call, but I can't deal with game playing. That I don't want to be lied to and that he needs to be straight up with me. I'm here for them, but I won't do the gameplaying.

I mean, if he'll lie about that, what's to say he's lying about his dad. I have asked him twice what happened to him and I've asked once what hospital is he in and I don't get an answer for either. He just gets vague. I don't know. I think after this last email, I probably won't hear from him again because I've called his bluff. This crap is Junior High and High School stuff. At least it's a kid doing it this time . . . I think. The other thought is that this is one of Denise's friends. I wanted it to be Kenny and that it was an honest email with no games attached so I'm really sad and disappointed. I'm more than willing to be friends. To be there for him. To even be there for Denise, but I will not be able to trust any of them if they continue to lie.

I bet what will happen now is that Kenny will set his MySpace to private too. But the thing is, if you have nothing to hide, then why set it to private? Anyway, it's more drama than I don't need. So I am guessing this was a bunch of bullshit and that it's over now. At least I'm not so invested that this is more than a slight bite of pain . . . like a flea bite that might itch for a bit. But I'm not in serious pain. It just makes me really sad . . . He and his sister will never know how much I really love them.

My Fairy and Gangster 2008

Finally posting photos of the kids on Halloween. Unfortunately the pix weren't that good. I didn't take them! LOL! But at least I have photos! They look pretty good, I think!



Cassie my beautiful fairy princess!




Jordan my beloved gangster! LOL!

Our Halloween Jack-O-Lanterns for 2008

Jordan didn't carve one, but he brought another pumpkin home. My boyfriend tried to carve one and it kind of didn't last. The design he picked kind of . . . wilted . . . for lack of a better word! LOL! But mine and Cassie's came out pretty good! She did a bat on a pumpkin and a creepy moon. I did a jolly roger and wolves howling. One of my wolves did break off, but I was able to just set it back on and it stayed! Guess I balanced it pretty good when I carved it. I just didn't make it strong enough! LOL!

I will post the day photos of the pumpkins followed by the night photos of them glowing!






















I think they came out pretty good! Wish some of the photos were better though! Ah well . . .

An Amazing Election Night

I can say amazing because, personally . . . I have never been very much into politics. I mean, I care about the prositions and I do my best to vote every year on things I think matter, though I admit that I probably need to do more research to ensure I DO make the right decisions. But what I can say is? Life gets busy and sometimes all I have is what I've seen, what I've heard and the information in the booklet. But as far as the candidates goes, I usually don't even vote or if I do, I pick someone I know won't win. I am an American Independant, but for me that means independant in thought and not really Independant, I guess. And for the most part I vote Democrat. That's who I am mostly. I will tell you that for me it was a difficult decision. Not because I had a problem with Obama being black. In fact, I thought that was great, but that's not why you vote for someone. McCain wasn't really looking toward a future I could see and that could help me and the future of my kids. I saw McCain and someone very likely to raise taxes more in the middle class people rather than the rich . . . And one of the things that really did touch me about Obama was that he reached out, not JUST to voters, but to ALL ages! I mean, he appeared on Nickalodean! He is reaching out to the little kids! Yeah, they're going to be voters some day, but maybe not when he's in office! It's like he's trying to inspire the young kids to start thinking about politic and the future of our country and to learn to take that responsibility early. Even tonight, my daughter was more interested in the elections than she was about almost anything else (except playing with her friend for awhile, of course! LOL!). It was great!

And the thing that impressed me most about BOTH candidtates were their speeches. I wrote for a living so words are so very important to me. Personally, I have been moved by very few speeches in my time by politicians. I never feel there's very much truth in them. But when McCain consceded defeat, his speech was one of the BEST I have ever heard. He said he was happy for Obama which is pretty standard, but wanted to help him in any way he could. His words were sincere and even with politicians you can usually tell if you watch them, if it's the truth or not and the man spoke from his heart. He really wants everyone to work toward the goal of unity and to work to heal what's ailing the country.

For Obama, his speech was so inspiring . . . heartfelt . . . heart lifting! At the same time, he too thanked McCain. He is looking forward to working with him in the future, even if they might differ. His promises to listen to the people and be was HONEST in the fact that what was wrong was not going to be fixed over night. FINALLY SOMEONE THAT TELLS THE TRUTH! Because it will be a long hard road to fix what's wrong. We need to all understand that it will take time and the way he said it was just one that made you think that it could happen. As he said, "Yes, we can!" The story of the woman who went to votw who was 106 years old was incredible and he went through what she'd lived through. And how he spoke about those who helped him and his wife and kids. I LOVED the comment to the girls about earning the puppy that was coming with them to the white house. Being a mother, that just made me smile.

For Obama's tone and presence, I got the feel he was inline with JFK. Could we be looking at a JFK that can inspire the country and make things move forward in unpresidented ways? I never thought we'd see another JFK, but after tonight I think we might. I look forward to the coming term as a ride that will not be forgotten and I can only wonder where it will take us. But either way, it's going to be just that . . . a ride . . . one that will bring growth and hopefully unity. As one man said tonight, if you look at it as a victory for black Americans then you're looking at it wrong. It's a victory for EVERYONE! In the civil rights movement it wasn't just rights for black people. They wanted rights for EVERYONE who were not being treated fairly. Having Obama elected was because he was the best man for the job . . . If anyone can pull this country together, I believe it's him.

I hate discussing politics, but I was just so moved . . . what a night!

My Kitty Karissa

I created this slide awhile ago and I still have more photos to add. But this is my baby. She's going on 8 years old and is still beautiful!

Vote Cassie for Fire Marshal!

VOTE CASSIE FOR FIRE MARSHAL!!



I am so proud of her! I can't even begin to tell you! When I was her age I NEVER ran for anything. I was so afraid of being ridiculed that it kept me from doing a lot of things. I was shy though I was beginning to break free of it a little. If you knew me now, you'd never believe I was a painfully shy kid. I am still afraid for ridicule, but I guess some things just don't go away. When you live in a house where you're always being put down and there is no one cheering you on, it's hard to think of anything about how you're going to screw up, get criticised and ridiculed . . . even laughed at.

But here Cassie is! She is going for Fire Marshal! She didn't think she could win. I think the posters came out great! I ended up doing most of the work, but she told me totally what she wanted and what colors. I mean, that's what the real politicians do, right? LOL! And the stickers too. We both worked on those. I did most of the work and I came up with the idea for the stars, but the colors were all her and everything!

She was a little afraid of giving the speech, but I helped her reword the speech she had because she didn't like it and then I wrote it out big enough for her that she could read it easily. Though I didn't get to see her, she told me that at first she was scared and then she did it and did it without a problem! And she said that all her classmates and other kids were telling her they were going to vote for her. The voting was right after, but she won't find out the results until Monday. I can't wait to find out! But even if she doesn't win it was such a GREAT experience for us both! It was awesome to do something like this with her. It was a fantastic mom and daughter time!

Go Cassie for Fire Marshal!! YAY!!!

Crazy Life of Mine

Well, for me it's the end of the year rush and it's becoming busier that usual with appointments. I have an eye exam appointment on Tuesday. I already know I need glasses. I have been needing them for years. I guess taking Cassie in finally pushed me to make an appointment for myself.

Then on the 6th I have a pdoc appointment. Cassie has a pdoc appointment for assessment on the 10th and then I have a parent-teacher conference for Cassie on the 17th. Nothing like being busy!

Plus Jason and Susan are going out of town for 10 days and we are watching the cats. Somehow Greg needs to get his van fixed since his stupid father has hit it twice with his car . . . Idiot. He REALLY shouldn't be driving. I mean, once could be an accident, you know? But TWICE??? Yeah . . . He shouldn't be driving PERIOD! Because of that the passenger side door won't open so I have to sit in the back. It makes Greg feel like a chauffer and I can't blame him! It's nuts to have to do that.

Oh and Cassie is running for Fire Marshal at her school! We made posters Sunday night - two of them. Then Tuesday night we made badges for her to hand out. It was a lot of work, but she got to hand them out today. It's a good thing because tomorrow she won't be at school. She has a field trip to the Science Center. Then on Friday she gives her speech!

Then, of course, we have the kids bdays coming up. Cassie's is going to be at the Embassy Suites again. The guy Jason works for is going to do the same thing for her again this year that he did last year; free movies for the night and send up free food! Is that not sweet?? Jordan will just have some friends over to spend the night. Not many . . . maybe two or three. They will stay in Jordan's room mostly playing his video games! Like who didn't know that?? LOL! I can't believe it's almost Thanksgiving . . . Soon it will be Christmas and a whole new year . . . Frightening. LOL! Ah well . . . Busy, busy, busy!!

Thought I'm tired, guess there's no real rest in sight! LOL! No rest for the wicked I guess! ;-P

You will not believe this Dog - INCREDIBLE!!

Seriously! this Dog will floor you with it's performance. And if that doesn't get you, how about Simon (from American Idol) giving a huge smile!! This dog Jin, really is fantastic and something to see!

http://www.familytiez.com/video/gin.htm

But really, everyone should watch this!

Halloween Carnival at Cassie's School

Cassie had a blast at the School Halloween Carnival. She opted not to wear the wings for her costume because she didn't want to get them ruined before Halloween. So instead of being a fairy, she called herself the Ghost of Christmas Past . . . I have no idea why. LOL! But I guess it worked!

We got there early because she was working the haunted house for the first half hour. I didn't see, because it was designed for kids and I will tell you . . . I am not even CLOSE to being kid-sized! LOL! But she told me that at first, she was just doing the tours through the haunted house, but then the teacher running is had to be one of the ghouls and she started telling the other kids how to do their job! LOL! Not meanly, but giving direction bascially. It was so funny because the teacher said she was a good actress and good at giving direction and asked if she wanted to be the Director. She said, "Okay!" and so then she did that! The teacher said she did a great job and now she wants to run her own Haunted House one of these Halloweens! Plus, she had 15 tickets and then had another $20 to spend (which went toward, sodas, snow cones and nachos and more tickets). I thought for sure she would play games and stuff, but all she really wanted to do was go through the haunted house over and over again with her friends! LOL! So for halloween, she wants to go into this even scarier haunted house that her cousin works at called the Monster Manor. If she does, it'll be the first year of her doing it. She has never liked that kind of stuff before. To be honest, I don't really like it myself. But if she does, that is FANTASTIC! She has been far to timid of stuff that might seem scary for far too long. It's great to see her enjoying it.

As for me, I did the cake walk a few times. That's about the extent of my fun! LOL! I didn't really win anything, but before I left the woman whispered to me, "Go ahead and take something." That was cool. I got a plate that had two cupcakes and two cookies. Cassie and I devoured those when we got home . . . well after dinner. We had gone to McDonald's to grab dollar food and they screwed up the order. Well, this wasn't just a screw up on sauces or something. They shorted us a sandwich!! So I called and railed into them. I mean, it's wasted time, especially wasted fuel! Then the girl that made the mistake to begin with tried to tell me that I was only charged for 3 sandwhiches and I just about blew a gasket. I was LOOKING at the recipt and told her so. Told her not to tell me what I ordered. Anyway, they replaced the sandwich and gave us fries and 2 hot apple pies as compensation. Normally, I wouldn't make too big of a deal, but to forget a whole sandwich?? And then to try to tell me that they only charged me for three when the recipt clearly says four?? I realize they don't hire rocket scientists, but this girl was the same one that took our order and she had this attitude of knowing it all? You can tell those types from a mile away. They give off the vibe. LOL!

But anyway, we enjoyed our dinner, Cassie told me all about the school's haunted house and what she did in it and then we got some reading it. She crashed relatively early for a Saturday night, but I guess she got worn out! LOL!

I am very glad she had so much fun!

My TV shows of the Evening

Okay, my life is generally not that exciting. I was able to work on my book and I was able to write with a friend today. Got most everything done on the "To Do" list, including getting my daughter to read, which even though she's good at is sometimes like pulling teeth! After all, there is so much else to be doing. But night time is kind of my time. At least when one of my shows is on! Tonight has been a favorite for a long time. It used to just be SciFi Friday, though there is now a cop show . . . however that's being changed and it goes up against one of my favorite shows . . . it sucks, but I guess I have to shuffle things around. I know, how exciting!! LOL!


Anyway, the TV schedule for tonight (or last night really since it's after midnight) was as follows:


Stargate: Atlantis - I am a SciFi Geek and I'm proud to admit it!






Next was my quirky cop show - Life







Followed lastly by The Sanctuary - another SciFi show!






Yes . . . my life is one of so many interests! LOL! Anyway, time for bed. I think I am very ready for sleep.

A Cat in the Flower Basket

My cat Karissa has taken to sleeping in the flower basket. It's pretty funny since she has a nice warm bed . . . LOL! I wish the quality of the photo was better, but here is what I saw yesterday morning!

Cassandra's 2008 School Portrait

OMG! She looks so beautiful! It's hard to believe she's just 10 going on 11. She is growing up so fast . . . but she's always going to be my baby!

Easiest Turnovers in the World!

These are the easist Turnovers in the world! I started making them the day before yesterday when I was frying up my daughter and I some quesadillas for lunch. I thought, "I want something sweet too." So I pulled out another flour tortilla and this time I put some pineapple jam in it, sprinkled with a little pumpkin pie spice, I folded it like a burrito and fried it up like I do the quesadillas! It was delicious!! SO yesterday I used strawberry jam inside (no spices) and fried those up, dusting them with powdered sugar. They weren't as good as the pineapple one in my opinion, but they were pretty good and so easy!!

Next month, I plan to make sweetened cream cheese and get a can of blueberry pie filling! I know THAT is going to be awesome!!

The Next Chapter of the Saga . . .

Well, the SARB thing actually went okay. I think I threw everyone off by giving everyone at the meeting that letter. I just walked in and said, "Before we get started, I'd like to hand these out." Most everyone at the table started reading it immediately. I couldn't believe that Sherry Maldonado was at that meeting! I was so ticked off! Though I am a calm and rational person, I did have the urge to beat her. Good thing my calm and rational side always wins out! LOL! Greg was however very proud of how I handled it, and the few people that read the letter, before I'd taken it to the meeting, thought it was very good. I think because of it, the woman that's supposed to do the "these are the rules and consequences" cut it short and went straight to the "what can we do to help . . ." That gave me a lot of confidence and I actually felt that I was being listened to. And the doctor they had there was VERY, VERY nice. He's a very cool guy. Basically, I told them how I had her in therapy now and that I had also made an appointment for her to be evaluated with a psychiatrist and this was BEFORE the meeting. So I think that was in my favor too, because a lot of her stomach aches, I'm pretty sure were stress. Anyway, they'll make conscessions for her in regards to her health yet try to keep her at school. That's fine with me, but I stressed over and over again that they had to have the teacher remind her to use her hand sanitizer several times a day. I mean, that alone should keep her from getting as sick as she has. All I know is that at least one thing was pointed out to Sherry Maldonado in my letter by the School Police officer that was there. I would LOVE to know what that was. LOL! Since I really laid into her. She deserved it! Plus, since she's made my life miserable, I'm going to do what I planned to do at the end of the school year last year. The only reason I didn't was because I was told that she was going to be fired. Not just her personally, but all the counselors. Anyway, I am going to write a formal complaint and give it to the school. I'm also going to make copies and see who I can sent it to at the School District Offices because I want her questioned and under a microscope and see how she likes it! I swear to you, that woman has no business being a school counselor, especially at an elementary school!! It makes me think of my sister Diana trying to be a School Counselor. *shudder*

Oh, looks like I'm going to get a pretty good Digital camera!! I am so excited! Jason won a new one from work at some kind of event and they're going to give me their old one! I have been wanting a real digital camera for a long time. And the cards for this one are relatively cheap and they hold tons of photos! So I'm VERY happy!

This week Cassie got to kind of go to Horse Camp. It was a special thing for 5th graders through the school. It's awesome! They got to ride horses, but also, they got to take care of their horse! Cassie had a beautiful American Paint Horse (so I was told . . . I wish I could see it but they won't allow anyone to take a camera . . . bummer . . .). She brushed it, washed it, cleaned out the stall . . . learned to saddle the horse even and she loves every minute of it. It almost makes me wish I could get her a horse . . . if she'd keep taking care of it. LOL! Not like that's going to happen. Or I wish the program lasted all year. But unfortunately today is the last day.

Then her school Halloween Carnival is this saturday. Though she earned a lot of tickets with turning in box tops to them, Jason and Susan are giving her $20 to use too! I thought that was fantastic! She's going to have a great time, I think. As for Jordan, his grades are starting to slip again. Not sure what I'm going to do about him. The prom doesn't seem to be enough to motivate him anymore nor this trip to Disneyland that Susan's mom wants to take the kids on, but ONLY if he has good grades! I don't have to worry about Cassie. She always gets good grades. It's a 5 day trip too. But we'll see what happens. Maybe he'll pull it together. I'm going to have to start calling his teachers and see what can be done to help him though. It just discourages me. He's 17 . . . I thought maybe he was finally taking his schooling seriously since he got over a 2.0 last semester . . . but whatever motivated him seems to have slipped into the mists . . .

On another note too, I managed to get a new Doctor for Jordan. I couldn't see sending him to see a woman. Thought that might be embarrassing for a 17 year old boy. I also managed to get an appointment for Cassie to see an optomitrist. She's been needing glasses for years. I did a lot in a short period of time yesterday. I even worked a little on my book! I was beginning to wonder if I'd even be able to work on it again! Unfortunately, I still haven't heard from the nurse about my sleeping medication. The insurance is being difficult, but being bipolar and not sleeping isn't a very good thing . . . I need something to help me sleep normally, or as normally as I can. I don't want to go into an episode just because I couldn't sleep and have been under undue amounts of stress. That would be a bad thing!

Anyway, that's the rant for the day!