A Nasty Suprise

Yeah, I got a very nasty surprise yesterday. I was still a little down, but today I feel great! I am thinking it's because no one is hear with me today. I don't have to worry about Jason's moods or Susan snapping at Cassi or with Jason and Susan arguing with each other and worrying if it's going to spill over to me. Yesterday Jason was a putz again. I just left him alone, but I thought it was rude of him to just sit out there in the living room and just tell me he needed to be alone. I understand why he needed to do that - it was because he had to make an important call and he needed to be able to hear, but he didn't tell me when it was over and when I asked he said he just wanted to be alone because he never got time alone in the house. He said I could come out, but I just told him, next time tell me. But it did irritate me. Not that I was going to stay out there for long, but I just wanted to talk to him. So shutting me out didn't go over well with me.

I just feel like I can't talk to him anymore. I can't keep walking on egg shells around him. I  mean, I did enough of that when I lived with my mom and my sister. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to an extreme. I always felt like I was waiting for the next explosion and I'm starting to feel that way with him. It might get better, but I don't know. It doesn't seem likely with the stress of the holidays. The holidays are great! But I also know it comes with stress and he doesn't deal well with stress. But it has cemented my desire to move. My goal is to try to move out sometime next year. I'm not going to spend a minute more than I have to with someone that triggers me as often as he has been lately.

But here's the REALLY nasty surprise. I just mentioned my sister, right? And how abusive she was. Well, she's in town and staying with our mom. She is going to be here through Thanksgiving at least and possibly to Christmas. When my son, Jordan, told me I just about threw up with anxiety and I had massive panic attacks. I tried to deep breathe to calm me down and I eventually got a hold of my therapist, but I had NEVER had a reaction this bad to an abuser before. That just says how badly she abused me, I guess. I was freaking out because I wasn't sure I could deal with her, my mother and my brother Tim. God only knows if Wes is going to show up. After all, mom doesn't have very many Holidays left. I want to be there, but now I know why my mom was hoping I had somewhere else to go. I think I'm going to be there, but I'll talk to my mom. If she really doesn't want me there because it will stress her out, I'll just pick up Jordan and we'll come back to the apartment and spend the day together. Cassi might go to a friend's house if she can because she won't go near Diana. She says if she does bad things might happen and she doesn't want to stress out Grandma. I was telling myself I'm going to go and just deal with it, but it really does depend on what my mom wants me to do.

At least I feel better today. I felt much better after talking with my therapist. He helped me through it. And I wrote about it a little bit. Once I was able to calm down, I was ready to realizing that things will probably be okay. But it still comes down to my mom.

I woke up in a good mood! That's always a good thing. I didn't have nightmares, at least none I remember - the night before I had a couple bad ones! It threw me off then with Jason . . . But today I woke up feeling good! I got dressed, gave Karissa treats and fed our Bettas - Tucker and King Sushi II. I was running late, but I got to Cassi's 30 day review. Though I was 5 minutes late they weren't ready so I guess I was still technically early! LOL! But it went well, though some teachers weren't able to make it. There were a lot of teachers being gone for training purposes this week. All in all, Cassi has been doing much better, except in Math. She doesn't do well with math online. She needs book and paper and some extra help. Her attendance has been great! But her moods are still shifting a lot. Either the prozac isn't really working that well or it needs to be upped. If nothing else the doctor will try her on Lamictal, which I am all for. It is an awesome mood stabilizer! Well, for those who can take it. Some people are allergic. But I since it works for me, it might work on Cassi! But I am just glad she is definitely moving in a positive way forward. I have great hope for her.

And my positive note for myself today is that I am Grateful for the Country I live in! Go USA! LOL! :-) I just feel good, though I'm tired and now my cramps are acting up! Ugh! Time for Ibuprofen, so I guess I should wrap this us! I just hope tomorrow is just as good as today. Oh and my mom bought me a turkey!! Now Susan, Jason, the kids and I can have our 2nd Thanksgiving! Yay! Well, I think I'm getting over the nasty surprise. And who knows, maybe Diana will be nice to me now that I don't live with mom. Anything is possible!

Happy Happy!!

In this case it is a Happy Happy day! I woke up today and I really feel back to my old self, which is a wonderful thing! Yesterday I was okay, but super, super tired. Today, I'm great! I guess whatever was going on with me has finally run its course. At least I hope so! I could barely function yesterday and get things done. Today, I did a lot baking (raspberry muffins and corn bread), I also took care of the kitties! I managed to work on almost all my Facebook pages and a few groups. I have managed to get a bit done so I am happy with myself!

My mind isn't functioning completely. My writing is kind of at a stand still at the moment, but that will change as it always does. All I know is today was definitely a good one! I also called my mom and checked in with her to see how she was doing. She's so tired and it so worries me. I know things are going to come to an end sooner rather than later, but I want her to be okay. I do get a little sad that I'm the one that says, "I love you." She never says it to me first, like it's an after thought to say it because I did. I try not to take it personally. I don't think my mom has the empathy to feel for other people. It's just how she is. I have accepted the fact that she will never love me the way I need to be loved. In fact, she has her own dysfunctions of her own. She won't admit it, but I know it. I lived with her most of my life.

Anyway, other than that, I called Jordan too. I checked in with him and made sure he had taken his medication. Cass took hers before school. I think it might b working. Even Jason said she seemed to be in a better mood lately. At least it doesn't seem to be making her worse! That's always what you worry about with teens and anti-depressants. But so far so good!

Cassi's therapist from her school called me to check in and see how I was doing. That was nice of her. She also wants to set up another family session which is great! For Cassi and I it draws us closer together. I'm supposed to work on a few things to get us to move on, but it's really difficult. I have no extra money, which means no money for a deposit anyway. I don't make enough to live anywhere yet and pay bills too. I'm waiting for Section 8, but that could be another year to three years. That sucks. But we'll see. I also need to have a talk with Jason and Susan about their attempts to parent her, which backfires for them and for me. I end up  having to run interference and try not to upset anyone. I feel like I'm back where I was with my mom. I had to give my mom more respect because she was my mom, but I felt so caught n the middle and that's how I feel now. Maybe I'll talk to Teela and see f she can help me with some pointers on how to approach the subject. I never know how Jason or Susan will react and I don't want any crap. I mean, there are things that have to be rules they put in place like no one spending the night during the week and such as that, but it's up to me to decide what I think is okay for my daughter to do, not them. I mean, sometimes they help me, but a lot of times I feel in the middle and it really just upsets me and makes me feel like I have to placate everyone. I need it to just be me dealing with things with Cassi unless it effects them. Guess we'll see what happens.

Anyway, I suppose that's it for now! Surprisingly enough I managed to get this written tonight! I wasn't too tired! LOL! Yay!! But think I'm going to get more water, maybe check out a couple more things, take my night meds and hit the hay. I have to wake up around 6:20am. Goodnight!

It's Good to be Me! :-D

I am so happy to feel more like myself today. Being without my Invega was very hard and messed me up for awhile, but I feel back to normal which is a GREAT thing! :-) I woke up really early this morning, but I think it was because I wanted to make sure Cassi got off to school. She fought me a little bit, but I held firm and she went! :-) I just want her to go and learn, catch up . . . She can do it, she just needs to apply herself. And with the new medication she's supposed to start on Monday, things should start getting better for her. Prozac worked for Jordan and works for me too (in a low dose), so chances it will work for her too. I started feeling better within a week and I noticed a difference in Jordan in a week of taking it, so even though it takes 6 weeks to reach full effectiveness, I hope to see some improvement within the first week. That's what I hope for with her. Anything to pull her out of the depression she's been in for so long. 

Anyway, after Cass went to school, I stayed awake. I made myself some cold pumpkin spiced coffee. Actually half caff. LOL! I brewed the pots with both decaf and regular coffee and the pumpkin pie spice yesterday. It always tastes so much better the next day. I guess it gives the spices enough time to seep into the coffee. 

After that, I got onto the computer for awhile. I posted on my FB pages - "Overcoming Abuse," "Traditional Holidays Through the Year," and my Writings page. I even looked up articles on how to boost self-esteem and stuff on mindfullness. I want my "Overcoming Abuse" page to really be about not just learning that it wasn't your fault you went through abuse, but also ways to cope with the aftermath. I might share my story at some point, but there is so much to tell. Plus my memory isn't the greatest, especially about the abuses. Don't get me wrong, I remember them, but there's a lot I don't remember like exactly when things happened. I can just tell you they did happen. I had to deal with low self-esteem most of my life. I had to learn to be assertive and it took a LONG time before I thought of myself as a good parent or even just a good person. I can honestly say that now I'm away from my abusers I feel so much better. I have become a person that I enjoy waking up to! I like me now! :-)

I also got some time in with Jason before I had to take him to the trolley. I like when we having times in the morning. We get to talk. We get each other since we both struggle with some off the same things and knowing and understanding how someone feels is key to a close relationship. We are close. We've know each other and been close friends for 18 years! :-)

I came back from dropping him at the trolley and made myself more coffee. I started cleaning the stove. It was in serious need of a cleaning. LOL! I also decided to scrub the sinks, but they didn't get as clean as I wanted them to. Guess the only other thing I can do is try lots of bleach and let it sit for a few hours! I also baked some muffins - triple berry chocolate chip. They turned out pretty well! I'm glad I made them!

I also did my other chores. I cleaned out the cats, washed Karissa's dish out, I did more on the computer posting in my groups on FB. I also decided I was going to write a Flash Fiction only I made it a Flash Non-Fiction. I wrote about the last physical fight John and I got into. I made it quick because it was a Flash story (between 100-300 words long). But it was what it was - a blurry remembrance of the traumatic event. It actually started a discussion on a writing group I'm in. 

I have to say one of the best ways to put myself in a better mood is to smile at myself in the mirror in the morning. Adding a silly face after makes me smile more. It can help for sure! Something to try when you feel down. Just don't back down and convince yourself you can't do anything, because when you force yourself and get something done you feel better about yourself. I know it works for me.

I also talked to my therapist. We had a phone session. It ended early because I said everything I needed and he offered his take. I touched on an event that's OVER. I talked to him about Cassi and just life in general - how it had been without the Invega and how better I feel on it. I love talking with him because a lot of times it gives me clarity of thought. That's always a good thing. 

What's funny is I never thought I would be a Betty Domestic. I am still a slob, but I like to take care of things. I like a clean kitchen. I love to bake and cook! I am serious about taking care of my pets - family. I am happy and I feel loved and appreciated here. I am not judged or criticized. Who would have thought that just being happy and feeling needed and wanted could turn me into  one - or as much of one as I can be and still be me! :-)

I made dinner tonight too. I made a Chicken Buffalo Rice dinner - two packages Buffalo Chicken flavored rice, a can of chunk chicken breast and steamed carrots mixed together and served with ranch dressing on top. :-) It as so good!! Jason didn't want any, but he's not big into spices. Not that it's very hot. LOL! He's had it before and liked it. Guess tonight he wasn't in the mood. But I ended my meal with some of the cherry chocolate cobbler I made the other day. It is still so good! Yum! Next time I should heat it a little bit. Mmmmmmmm! 

Well, I guess that's it for this day! On to the Next!! 

Day 40 - Emotional Me

For most of the day I've actually been feeling okay. In fact, I felt pretty good. But as the night has worn on my mood has shifted to something darker. It's like an under current of anxiety. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm tired. I hate being tired all the time. And I am. But today was good. That's what I don't get.

I woke up Cassie to get her to school, but she was so tired from being upset last night that I let her sleep another hour. Then I took her to school. I also got myself a protein shake for breakfast. After that, I went back to sleep and slept until about 1:00pm. I could have slept later if I'd let myself. But I got up, got my protein shake for lunch and waited to get the computer from Jordan. 

Karissa went outside and then came back in 5 minutes later. LOL! She did that twice. The second time she stayed out a bit longer but not by much. I did take a few pix of her inside and I tried to get a pic of her outside but that didn't work out so well. She wouldn't sit still!

Anyway, I got my money from Jason and Susan. They owe me another $20 and I'll get that Tuesday. I think I'm going to use that for either getting "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2" or get "Vanish" by Tess Gerritsen. Later they brought Cassie over so that she could make her bed. What sucked was that she had a dental appointment for today only to find out that she can't see the dentist until April. So it was a waste of time and of gas for Jason and Susan. Oh, good news, seems they might be keeping Rena after all. I hope so. But poor Susan and Jason. They had so much running around to do. Jason estimates that they drove 80 miles today.

Once I had the computer back from Jordan, and did a couple of things, but I knew I had to get the money order for my car insurance. I also needed to get milk and bread. I didn't get cereal though. Turns out we're out. Jordan just lives off it, it seems. While I went to Albertson's I was starving too. Not a good combo. I grabbed a vitamin water and started looking at different snacks. EVERYTHING was so outrageous when it came to calories. Twinkies were like 300 calories! Needless to say I did NOT get Twinkies. Eventually I found Special K Fruit Crisps. They are 100 calorie packs! As I got the milk and bread I also grabbed a Woman's World before I checked out. Once out in the car I had to eat something so I tried the blueberry fruit crisps and they were pretty good. It kept me filled until dinner. In fact, I'm only now starting to get hungry again. I'll have a snack then go to sleep.

My mom gave me some of her salmon tonight for dinner with tilapia. It was good. Of course, I love salmon. After that, I got back online. I posted in Cafemom in "Holiday Dreaming" and of course, "I'm not fat! I'm Fluffy!" I was going to post elsewhere, but I was pretty drained after doing everything I needed to do. I also posted pix of Karissa on Facebook on her account and page. Through doing all of that, I also watched "River Monsters," "Chuck," which probably caused my anxiety to go up a little. Then I watched "Brad Meltzer's Decoded," where they were researching the Alaska Devil's triangle. It was pretty creepy. After that was "Merlin." That one made me very sad. Not just because Uther died, but because of how he died. As I finish this I'm watching "Being Human." It was this past Monday's premiere. It was good. Sally goes to her High School Reunion, though it makes her sad at the end when the most shallow girl at the school who just died gets her door. Aiden ends up being placed as Second in Command of Boston and he's supposed to ensure that Mother's daughter succeeds in bringing Boston under control. Only Mother wants Josh dead. And Nora . . . well, Josh isn't the only one who is wolfing out this time. I think she saves Josh's life. Good episode.

Anyway, I think I'm done. I want to sleep. Definitely take some ativan.

  

I'm On a Roll!

Well, another good day! What can I say, I'm on a roll! :-) I woke up early and though I was tired I got up, got dressed, grabbed coffee and headed out the door to classes at Heartland. Today was WRAP and Process Group. I got farther on my Wellness Recovery Action Plan. It's a good thing to have. Process Group was good. We all got a chance to talk, though all I had to say was positive stuff and let's face it - it feels good to feel good!!! Especial for someone who's spent most of their life depressed. It's awesome to feel this good!

When I got home, I ate lunch since they didn't bring any Starbuck's Goodies today. Of course, I just had English muffins with peanut butter and strawberry jam. After that, I took my mom to the store. I stayed in the car and worked on my schedule and also try to make an appointment to see my doctor again. This was a bit aggravating because they obviously had something wrong with their phone system. I was on hold for almost 20 minutes and then again for another five or ten with my second call. My third call, I plugged in the number for the nurse and surprise, it was picked up on the third ring! I was floored! Anyway, I asked her a couple of questions that she didn't really have answers for, but I was able to make that doctor's appointment, thank god! So I get to see Dr. Jason next week at 11:45am. It means I can attend most of my classes. Hopefully I'll also get the results from my blood tests. I'll find out what I'm allergic to. I'm very interested in finding out.

After I got home, I pretty much turned on "The First 48" and started checking my sites. I ended up on Cafemom and worked on my profile. I joined a few groups. I posted. I uploaded pix. I even created a group of my own "Moms Without Their Children" and I have a couple of members already. It's good to know there are people like me out there. I mean, whether it's because of custody issues or willingly letting your kids go to have a better life, it's not easy and we could all use support. 

The I was adding widgets. I have one for pets though I only have pix of Karissa. I guess I need to see if I can't get a good pic of Tubbie my fire belly frog. Then I don't even know how I'm going to take a pic of Tiny and Slim my two minnows. LOL! I guess I'll have to see what I can do about that. But I also have to find my card reader. I saw it the other day on the bed, but I don't know if I moved it so I have to search my bed and maybe my corner *groan*. I also have a ton of new pix of Karissa! :-D

My mom made cheeseburgers for dinner. I was too full to eat the corn on the cob. Then I came back and it took me forever how to put my blog feed up on my Cafemom. I'm okay posting it there because no one knows me on Cafemom. At least no one that would care about what I write. I can't believe it took me so long. :-P But at least I figured it out! I'm pretty smart even if it takes me awhile. 

After that, I wrote an email to my Aussie. It's the first since Monday. I usually write more than that a week, but I was so tired I just didn't have the energy. So I corrected that. I love writing to him and I love hearing from him even more. So I'm hoping I get a reply tonight. Though I might not read it until tomorrow because I want to get some sleep. Part of me wants to stay awake though, because I get my money on the 3rd, but I might have it already. I need to pull money out - Greg needs to do my breaks. I owe him $40 and he needs it. I need to pay my mom $30 for my gym membership not to mention all the normal things I have to buy. Then the Frontline I bought for Karissa sucks. I wish her vet still carried Advantage. I would by one at a time. Now she's all scabbed up and the only way for me to get her Advantage is to spend almost $50, but I would get four treatments. We'll see what happens I guess. I just don't know how I'm going to pay for everything. Having money is still NOT having money. It goes too fast. But I'm not going to get down because of it. I have had too good an attitude lately and it's not going to break the roll I'm on!

Well, I suppose that's about it. I'm going to finish watching "The First 48 - Missing Persons." I'm going to check a couple more things and then I'm crashing - unless I do decide to go to the bank. :-P

          

So Far So Good!

Well, my positive streak is continuing! Though it was hard, I woke up early - 8:30am. I drank a 5-hour energy, grabbed a water and headed out to class. First class was Coping Skills which was awesome. We started talking about what's been helpful to cope with things and my response, of course, was GRAPES! I got to say and explain what it was. It was awsome!! Kimberly was there. It was great to see her. Russell was awesome too. He went to the community meeting and made sure to mention to them they had to keep one of the old chairs because I couldn't fit into the new chairs. That was really cool. I couldn't be without a chair. The second group was Cognitive Therapy. It wasn't as good as the first group this time. They were doing Thought Distortions and Antidotes for them. It was okay, but not that useful for me. I guess because I try to say positive things to myself. I know it won't always be easy, but for now I'm doing well. I also ate 3 1/2 starbuck's goodies that were brought in. It was so good though I probably shouldn't have had so much. They're hard to resist though, not that I was trying to! LOL! Before I left Kimberly gave me a hug. She's so cool! And I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person except with my kids, but when I see her, I want to give her a hug! It's cool. I think her and I are becoming friends!

Anyway, I came home and played on the computer for a bit. We had a very early dinner or late lunch. I also did my stretches. Then I went to therapy. My mom was nice enough to give me a $1.00 so I could get a drink at McDonald's on my way. Of course, they were out of Diet Dr. Pepper. They asked if I wanted Diet Coke . . . Ick! So I went ahead and got a regular Dr. Pepper. 

Therapy went well. I did talk a little about how I feel as a parent and how I try not to think about it. It does have a tendency to bring me down. But I also know I did what I could. We touched on the fact that I had a bad episode with the bipolar when I didn't know what was happening to me. I was traumatized by it. I know I was. Also talked about faith and how I just don't know if I believe in God anymore. I believe in life after death though. I believe maybe there could be a Higher Power. I just don't know. But all in all, I am doing well even with the fact my sister is coming. RI tool - To Know Is Not To Know. I don't know how things will be when she's here. It could go well. I just need Jordan to be out of the house. 

After that I came home, I went and watched TV. My mom was nice enough to make another dinner - meat and beans quesadillas. It was good! After that I went back to watching TV. Jordan had the computer and I got him to take a shower. I told him he could keep the computer until 10:30pm. I continued watching TV; a special episode of "Ghost Hunters" at 8:00pm. Josh Gates was a guest investigator. It was awesome. They were at some museum. I can't remember if it was aerospace or just planes. Can't remember what it was called, but it was great! Then I watched "Haunted Collector." It's a new show and seems pretty interesting. It's kind of like Ghost Hunters, but he tries to find a haunted object. Then after that was "Hollywood Treasure" back for it's second season. It's a great show. It's so cool to see what he is able to find and put up for auction. Not that I could ever buy anything, though I have seen some stuff I would love to have, of course. I think I'll watch those last two episodes next week.

I also decided to rejoin Cafemom. I haven't done much. I haven't joined any groups yet. I'm going slow because I don't want to be overwhelmed again like I was last time. Needless to say, I probably won't make any groups. Not that I can say for sure I won't, but I know I felt so overwhelmed by all the groups I was involved with and how many I had by myself. It was crazy how my other account was. I'll play more with it tomorrow as I finish up my Favorite things. 

Anyway, I think that's it for this entry. I am very tired and still need to set the alarm. I'm happy with my day. I completed my GRAPES and I just met some goals like the stretches and getting Jordan to take a shower. And on that note it's time for bed.

      

The Last Good Day of May!

Today was yet another good day! I didn't do too much, but just the fact that I am happy and feeling good is a great thing! Especially for this time of year! So many times I get depressed around this time and so far so good. I'm going to try to keep a positive attitude and see where it takes me! 

I still slept late. I didn't really want to get up. I kept having interesting dreams. Not that I remember much about them, but they were interesting enough that I wanted to stay in them. Go figure. LOL! But my sleep was also interrupted a bit. Cassie called me. I was to make an appointment for another IEP for Cassie, but Mrs. Barick never got back to me. Guess I have to try to remember to call her tomorrow. 

When I finally got up I took my meds. I even took a shower which is a good thing. LOL! I even got some coffee! Then my mom told me that she needed to pick up some medication so I told her I was picking up Jason from the trolley near us and did she want to come. We could hit the pharmacy on the way home. Well, turned out that she just wanted to give a check. She also said she'd call and tell them to expect Jason. 

I was a little late picking Jason up, but he didn't mind and he liked going into the pharmacy for my mom. He ran into Dennis who remembered my dad and they talked about him for awhile - about how my dad was always telling him stories. 

Then Jason and I hung out for a bit. Talked and stuff. He didn't stay for too long though. It seemed like he didn't stay long at all, but it was still nice to hang out with him. 

After that, I had dinner - bbq pork and chicken with hashbrowns. Yummy! There was also a lemon meringue pie, but it wasn't ready yet so I went into the bedroom and started crocheting. I also called my friend Kimberly. It wasn't difficult to make that call at all which is awesome! I guess because I knew I could ask about her weekend. I think sometimes I fear that I'll go blank and not have anything to say. Anyway, after talking for awhile my mom said the pie was ready. I talked a little longer and then got pie. I was bad, I had two delicious pieces. Then I went back to crocheting. I did a total of three rows. It doesn't sound like much, but with as wide as this blanket is, that's a lot. It's relaxing though. I watched "Underworld: Evolution" while I crocheted. It was cool. Then I watched "Deadlist Catch" - Last week's and the new one this week. I also got the computer back from Jordan. From there I checked my Facebook, though I haven't played Happy Aquarium yet. I also checked my email and whatnot. I heard from my Aussie last's night too and that really brightened my night. Another reason I woke up in a good mood! ;-)

Anyway, I'm ending the evening by writing this, playing Happy Aqaurium and having watched "Deception."  It's a new show on Discovery Channel with this guy (Can't think of his name) who's a mentalist. It's pretty awesome. But I have always been interested in hypnosis. Not sure I can be hypnotized, though. It would be interesting to see if someone somewhere could do it to me. This guy was able to do so much with hypnosis. He even created a sleeper agent! It was unreal! :-P Wonder what that would be like. Pretty creepy if and when you learn the truth. 

But that's it for now. Another good day for the books!

    

Super Saturday!

Compared to yesterday today was a dream! I woke up around 1:00pm or so. When I got up there were pancakes on the stove. They were cold, but still so sweet and yummy!! I think my mom was irritated that I still slept in so late, but while I was eating, she came in and sat down to talk with me. At first I thought it would be more crap, but we ended up having a good coversation. We talked about my mental illnesses, the President, news in general, how we don't like people pushing their politics on us. It was cool! She also brought up an article she read in "National Geographic" and offered me the opportunity to read them myself. Knowing that she gets the magazine I asked her if she had the one with the Fox on it and she HAD IT!! She handed me about four to read and when she's done with the Fox one, I get to keep it!! :-D I have to admit that it was something that made my day a little bit. LOL!

Then my mom wanted me to take her to Walmart so I went and got dressed, when she changed her mind and wanted me to mail some letters for her and take her to Albertson's while I head to go pick up my last few prescriptions. Needless to say I took Jordan with me. So Jordan mailed the letters from the back seat of the car. My mom went to the store and we went to the Pharmacy where Jordan got my last three prescriptions. When we got back to the store my mom was still inside so I gave Jordan my food card to go inside and get me a bottle of water and let him get a candy. I had just enough. Well, the man punched in the card wrong, but Jordan got the impression he wasn't going to punch it in again - If I'd been there he sure would have! But anyway, two nice ladies behind him in line paid for it for him. I'm so glad because as soon as I got my big bottle of water I drank half of it almost immediately. It was a little while longer before my mom came out of the store, but it was great. She had gotten blueberries and strawberries and got some fried chicken pieces for us. It was so yummy to eat when we got home. But before we left the parking lot she gave me $20 for fuel!! Talk about a wonderful thing to do! I was almost out of fuel and I was wondering how I was going to get to class or to my therapy next week. So it was awesome! We went to the gas station because my mom heard the prices were going up and so I wanted it now. Now I'm up over 100 miles to empty now! It's awesome.

After we got home and I ate I went into my room and I did my stretches. In fact, I was all psyched up for it and added some new stretches. It's way better than yesterday where I blew off my stretches. Then I watched "Mythbusters" and I'm back to watching "River Monsters." I also wrote to my Aussie! :-) Turned out longer than I thought. LOL! He'll get to work tomorrow and have a huge email to read. LOL! I hope he has time to write back. It always makes my day. Then Jason called and invited me over for Memorial Day, which I think it cool! BBQ dinner sounds good to me. He said ribs and maybe he said chicken or maybe hamburgers and hot dogs. I don't care. It all sounds good to me! So that's something I can look forward to. 

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. The anti-histamine is starting to make me sleepy, not that I think I will sleep at the moment, but I have definitely relaxed. It's awesome. I just have to hope it doesn't cause restless legs. We'll see. I'm a little hungry too, but I don't know if I'll eat anything. We'll see!

Well, it was a great day for me! So it was DEFINITELY a SUPER SATURDAY!! Yay!!

Lazy Day

Today was a decent day. I am pretty convinced that I was in a hypomanic state the last few days. However I'm not depressed so things are good! In fact, after I got up and had some raisin toast and iced coffee I read over and edited "Crossfire" some more which I wouldn't have been able to do if things had completely reversed. So I think things are still going in a good direction. :-) Maybe at a calmer rate! LOL! It really must have taken a lot out of me though because today I have slept and slept. I got up around 10:00am because I didn't want to sleep all day, but by noon or 1:00pm I was out. Then I got up for a little bit. Had dinner. Crashed  out again! I did wake up in time to do dishes for my mom and I've been awake since then, but I'm still tired even now. I've also been really, really thirsty. But that's not really unusual. The only thing I can think of is that the not sleeping well that I was attributing to just being stressed out about my money was really a mini episode and a few days of that pace took a lot out of me. Who knows, maybe I'll go back to sleep shortly.

Anyway, other than that I've had a good time listening to the music CDs Denise made me a long time ago. They have a great mix of 80s and older music. So many of the songs take me back. It's cool! Makes me think of Ada, Nicky, Nicole, Denise, Margo . . . Things were never 100% easy between all of us all the time. Usually someone was upset with someone, but for the most part there were a lot of good times and this music was a backdrop for it.

Well, I decided I was going to go to Walmart tonight. I shouldn't have, but I did. :-P I needed to get vitamins, but I also ended up getting a 25 cent bag of sour peach marshmallows, cherry cheese danishes, two candy bars, a 2 lt. bottle of grape crush and then something for Jordan. I told him if I ever found "The Patriot" for him I'd buy it. Well, it was his lucky day. I found it in the $5 bin. I shouldn't have bought it. I really don't have the money now that I went on my spending spree, but I did promise him and I doubt I would have found it again. It was the only one I saw. I think he'll be happy when I give it to him.

Anyway, it's almost midnight. I'm going to take time to write My Aussie, though I haven't heard from him. But it's Saturday where he is and he's with his family. He'll write me when he gets back to work, I think. But he likes it when I share my day with him. And I love that fact. It makes me feel closer to him too. And I'm going to listen to music for a bit and then maybe I'll go to sleep again. Outside of feeling like sleeping beauty it really was a pretty decent day! :-)

Another GREAT Day!! :-D

What can I say? I'm STILL feeling fantastic and I LOVE it!! I hope I stay like this for a long time! I just hope I'm not hypomanic because then there will be a crash. But I'm just going to take it one day at a time and hope it lasts and lasts! I think if I keep going to classes at Heartland, continue my writing and stay in touch with friends I think I'll be good! I hope so anyway! I'm going to think positive!

I woke up today very tired, but I got myself up, got dressed, took my morning meds, of course, and then got my coffee and headed to class. Today was WRAP group (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) which is one of my favorite groups. It helps you understand your triggers and symptoms so that you can try to get yourself from sliding down into a crisis, BUT it also helps you come up with a plan for when you do start going into crisis, should it happen. It's just an awesome group! Then after that was Process Group - essentially Group Therapy. It's okay. I don't get that much out of that class, but to be with Kimberly and David was nice - Susan (from class) too, though we haven't really talked, but I like her. After that I went home because my mom needed to mail some stuff off to my sister - See's Candy and some magazines I guess. I don't really know and don't really care. After that, I took my mom home, picked up Jordan and then went to the bank. MY money was FINALLY THERE!!! Yay!! So I pulled out $200. $120 I set aside for my mother. I set aside $48 for Cassie's school spring portraits. The rest I used to get Jordan some lunch, got me a drink, got dinner for my mom, me and Jordan and put some fuel in the tank.

Anyway, we went to Walmart and I had my list with me so I'd remember everything like laundry detergent, dish soap, dryer sheets, blue toilet tabs, toilet paper, reynolds wrap. Then I had to get razors, nose sprays, a folder, two year mini planner, mother's Day cards (one for my mom and one for Susan). I also got the duct tape I've been needing and I FINALLY got new make-up!! I also got body spray - cotton candy scented. Love it!! I did spend a lot on myself today, but the make-up I need for occasions. Then I also got a boom box. My mother wasn't upset over it which I thought she would be. But instead she just wants me to make sure I have plenty of batteries for an emergency. So later this month I'll spend $6 and get 12 batteries. Then, of course, I had to get DVDs. I got "Assassins" for $5. "Angels & Demons" for $10. Got "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1" for $15 and the Original "Tron" for $20. That's a lot for movies, but I think I spent about the same amount last month. Oh, and I got Karissa a scratching pad, treats and a special rememdy for fur balls. I need to give it to her like twice a week and it's supposed to help with furballs. She's had a couple lately so it's a good thing. I know I got a couple more things, I think, but that was the jist of it. Oh yeah, a tub of Redvines for Jordan (though he's sharing) and some Easter candy that's now 75% off and Hershey's cookies and milk chocolate! Just had to try it because I'm not a huge fan of white chocolate, but to have cookies in chocolate . . . Well, I haven't had it yet, but I will.

Anyway, I know I'm feeling good and I'm a little worried that it might be hypomania because I'm actually cleaning up my room! LOL! I have been throwing things away, putting some things away. I packed up CDs I don't listen to. And I've been listening to these CDs my ex-friend Denise made for me years ago. If I say nothing else good about her, I have this - she had good taste in music! So much of it has been a blast from the past too! LOL! It's like stepping back into my teens hanging out with my friends and stuff. It's awesome! So I can say that for her. Anyway, back to my room. I took out this big vase thing that had glass flowers in it. It was pretty and all, but all it was doing was taking up space on my dresser and I'd never cared about it either way. So I cleared off the stuff on it and took it out to my mom. It was hers anyway. Then I arranged my photos over there and they look pretty good and if I wanted I could probably add maybe a pic or two.

Man I'm getting a little tired now. But it's a good tired, I think. My room still looks a mess, but it is looking better. I need to find a place to put a couple more items I don't want getting lost - like Cassie's Kindergarten Memories book that she made way back when. I'm sure I'll find a place. Then Jordan and I watched "Angels & Demons" and it was pretty good. It's not as good as "The Da Vinci Code" but it was good! Then I also got Jordan a Metallica CD which Jason thought was awesome. He's going to try to get Jordan some of the other CDs the group put out. I think that's cool. I just feel like I've gotten a lot done today and it's great! I feel like I really accomplished something, you know?

Now I'm going to see if I can pick up my meds and then come home and go to sleep. I am really starting to feel just how tired I am! LOL! Hopefully I sleep well tonight.

Sleepy But Great!!!

Today is another happy day for me which is awesome!! I was disappointed because my money still hasn't come in. I checked at midnight. I checked at 1:30am and then this afternoon. Nothing, nothing, nothing . . . I finally called to find out what the hold up was. Apparently my case was still frozen!! Ugh! But the woman I spoke with (her name was Laura) was very nice and helpful and authorized my money. I won't get it until tomorrow, but I'll FINALLY have it! I'm looking forward to shopping. I'm not going to go crazy - I have a list. But I am excited - especially about getting make-up! LOL! I know, go figure. It's not like I wear make-up often. But I want the option!! 

Anyway, I got up at 9:00am. Thought class was at 9:30am for some reason. I almost didn't go, but I finally got up and went. Of course, I was half an hour late! :-P But they didn't mind. The only time they do mind is in process group. But that's group therapy. You don't want people walking in and out with that kind of group. 

I was going to stay for Cognitive Therapy, but I got a call from the school nurse. She said Cassie was tired and not feeling well and she was going to send her home. So I went and picked her up. Her and I were both exhausted so we laid down for a little bit. Neither of us slept, but we just relaxed. Then after awhile she got my laptop from Jordan so I could show her a picture of Kate Middleton's wedding dress and then the pic of Osama bin Laden with the red x on his forehead with "Hide and Seek Champion 2001-2011" and she thought it was funny. Then she shared some funny stuff people were posting about Osama bin Laden. Most if them making fun of the fact that he was buried at sea like "Guest Star on Little Mermaid - Osama bin Laden!" I don't think that was quite right, but something like that. Wish I could remember them because they made me laugh. Cassie didn't stay too terribly long, but I enjoyed the time we had. Then I called Susan to make sure she wasn't angry with Cassie and we got to talking and even she said that she was happy to see me like my old self again! It's awesome people notice. I really feel so great! 

After that I took a little nap and woke up in time to get money from my mom (I'm paying her back tomorrow). That way I could go to McDonald's and get a Diet Dr. Pepper. I also got two pies for a dollar. It was a nice treat. But also I needed to get Borax for my mom on the way home from therapy.

Therapy was great! I got to gush about how I was feeling and what I was doing. Also the stuff that was a bummer, but I wasn't that unhappy about anything. The most I can say is stressed and just tired. Even now I'm very exhausted and plan to go to sleep by 9:00pm, I think. Maybe . . . I am just so tired! But so happy and it's so good to say that!! I love this feeling and I haven't truly had it in so long!! I haven't worked on my stories today, but when I'm this tired my brain doesn't function well for writing. But I got to tell him my ideas and how thrilled I was to go back to my original writing. It's really like a door was opened and I had access to that passionate part of my mind again! It really is awesome!

I went to Walmart for the Borax. Turned out it wasn't there. They didn't have any. However, they did have chocolate covered marshmallow Easter candy on sale for 50 cents and 25 cents per container! I couldn't resist getting some! So after that I went to Albertson's. I got a bottle of water and found the Borax. I had to pee and didn't want to use the bathroom there. Not for any particular reason. I just get weird about it sometimes and today was one of those days. So I paid for my stuff and got the hell outta there and go home. I was REALLY happy when I got into the house and to the bathroom. LOL! When I got out of there I was treated to a Steak Dinner!!! YUM!!! It was so good! And the steak was huge! I definitely enjoyed it. Afterwards I put my plate in the sink, putting away clean dishes and put the last steak and corn on the cob away.

The last things on my list were writing to my Aussie! Which I did! In fact, he wrote me back last night and it was awesome! I love to hear from him. Even if it's just a hello, he makes me smile and last night was a little longer than that, but not a full on email. He just didn't have the time. But God I love to hear from him!! My heart beats just a little faster and my smile gets a little brighter when I see his name in my inbox! Then I wanted to write this. After that, I'm just going to take my night meds and watch the "Fact or Faked" marathon. But mostly I want to sleep. Tomorrow I'll have my money. I'll be able to go shopping. Hopefully I'll hear from my beloved Aussie and maybe I'll get more writing done.

Anyway, that's the story and I'm sticking to it! LOL!

Feeling Pretty Good!

Today has been a pretty good day! I woke up not really wanting to get up, but my mom encouraged me to go to class, so I did. I got up, got dressed, got my coffee and headed to the car. I got there right on time. Though everyone else was on the late side. That was cool. I didn't mind. But then we spent half the time filling out a survey, which kind of sucked. But other than that it was a great class. We ran over time, but I think that's because we had to do those surveys so everyone had a chance to talk. I talked about a thought intrusion I had the other night where I just suddenly wanted to cut on my arms. I'm not sure what had triggered it, but it intruded on me while I was trying to sleep. That's when the thought intrusions come out the most. Anyway, we talked about tools to use to deal with them when they come. I was supposed to call Kimberly tonight, but I forgot like an idiot so I'm going to try to remember tomorrow.

After that I came home and got online for awhile. I took care of my Happy Aquarium and then took some quizzes. But I also put on music for a bit too.

I also started reading and editing "Crossfire" again and I'm about half way through what I typed up. Soon I'll have to find my handwritten copy, read that and continue it. My passion for continuing hasn't died down and no anxiety so I think so far so good with my return to my original stories - my true passion. I love how I created Rachel and Kamal, though I might have to change a couple of things. I need Rachel to be a little stronger I think. Or maybe what I have on her will work since I have an idea of her protecting Leila. She's courageous when it comes to protecting other people. She's just not so good at sticking up for herself. She's actually kind of timid in some respects - especially out of her element. Anyway, it's good to be back, you know?

Outside of that I just puttered on the computer more. Had dinner - interesting mix of things. There was ramen, Ravioli and hotdogs, but it all tasted good. Then I came back to my room and started working on my schedule. I'm almost to December of this year. I'll have to get a new pocket calendar. One more thing for a very growing list. I'm not sure I'm going to have the money for everything I want and need. That will suck if I run out of money. I tried to do some figuring, but it's not always easy. Plus, I don't have any firm prices to go by. Hope I over estimated a few things. But I want to get some make-up, only I don't know if I have enough to get everything I need. Guess we'll see.

Then tonight as I was working on my schedule again, I watched "Chuck" which was awesome. Chuck finally told Ellie he was still a spy AND that he was the intersect. After that I watched "Stargate: Universe" which was interesting - they had to go to a blue giant star to avoid the drones only because of the temperature the ship was have they had to have everyone gate to a nearby world. Well, turns out they had people on it and the drones had destroyed the place. It was very interesting, indeed! The last show I watched was "Sanctuary" and that had Will morphing into some kind of lizard-like creature. Of course, Magnus saved the day! Still love the show! I'm starting to enjoy Mondays, though the Series Finale of "Stargate: Universe" is next week. THAT sucks.

Well, it's just about 25 minutes to midnight. I'm seriously considering getting dressed and going to Walmart to do my shopping. I could do it tomorrow, but I like shopping late. It's a little less crowded, but sometimes the lines are longer when they only have one register up. But usually it's not that bad. Guess I still have time to decide.

I'm just happy I'm feeling better and more positive. That my writing really does seem to be back for real this time. I just hope this lasts. It would be wonderful if it does. :-) 

It's Good to Feel Good!

Woke up today feeling pretty good. I got my coffee and got online. I chatted with Patty B and we started writing on our story again. It's coming along nicely and I've really enjoyed writing it. But then I got a call from Jason. They had gone to the store. They were taking Cassie and Katie out of town for Nascar and they were taking Cassie's snake Silky, well, they put Silky's container in a place in the car that wasn't very good for him and he died. Cassie was devistated. But when Jason called to tell me, I didn't believe him. Susan didn't at first when he'd called her in the store. They came over to bury him in the front yard. I cried myself because I loved the little guy too. That and there's just something about baby animals dying that really, really gets to me. It's almost as if somewhere I'm blaming myself even though I had nothing to do with it. I know it doesn't make sense, but a lot of times my feelings don't make sense. I was kind of depressed for quite awhile after that. Poor Cassie wasn't crying when she got to the house, but her eyes were so red. They'll eventually get her another snake, but only when she's ready and they need to do a little more research I think. Or at least not put the container in a position for it to become an oven. And to be honest, it wasn't Cassie's idea to put him where they did. It just sucks. I know how much she's hurting.

After I said goodbye and they left my mom and I had ribs. George had brought them over and the boys had already eaten what they wanted so my mom and I got the rest. They were so tender and yummy! It was a nice treat.

I wrote with Patty B until 8:00pm and I was also talking to my friend Shaunn and boy did our conversation get HOT!! But earlier he actually read my "The Black Cat" and thought it was pretty good, so maybe it's not as boring as I thought. But he shared with me soom of his writing which is very sexually graphic and well . . . our converation got more personal. He shared that some of what he wrote was based off real incidents and just what he wants. I asked him to write something for me about him and I and oh, he did NOT disappoint! LOL! It was hot and I could just feel it as I read it. I can't remember the last time I had a conversation or even read anything like that. We talked about what it would be like to meet in person. I think one of these days it'll happen. And he thinks I'm beautiful at my weight. Or rather my weight isn't even an issue! That's always nice too.

I also wrote to My Aussie, but it's the weekend so I probably won't hear from him until sometime tomorrow which is his Monday. But I'm going to try to make it part of my routine to write to him. I think it's good for me to stay in touch with him because when he does write me back I am happy all day and into the next day. I guess it's just that much of a thing for him. Plus, he's a good friend. He cares and that's what matters.

Anyway, I finally had to say goodnight to Shaunn. I'm getting a bit tired. I needed to write my entry and I want to read through my story. I already fixed a bunch of errors in the prologue. Who knows, maybe I won't and leave it for tomorrow, but I guess I needed a cool down too! LOL!

Needless to say most of today was very good. I am still sad about Silky and probably will be for awhile. But at least I have so many other good things going on. Writing again with Patty B and getting back in touch with my online male friends has made a big difference too. Plus Aunt Flo is GONE for now. Next month I start extra Paxil a week before my period and during my period. It had better work! LOL!

Tomorrow is going to be more of the same I think. A lot of writing and just enjoying the day.  It's good to feel good!

Scatter-Brained Good Day

Today was a pretty good day and surprise, surprise my period is OVER!!! I was really starting to get concerned that the depression was going to keep hanging on, but I woke up today and was in a pretty decent mood! I got up, got my coffee, put on the TV and then got online. I turned on my Aim and MSN and sure enough Patty B was there. So we picked up where we left off.

During that time I also wrote to My Aussie, Nicole called and so I talked to her for a bit. I also asked if she'd write that mini article that needs to go into "The Black Cat" (I know, sucky title. That's why it's just a working title until I can come up with something better). I pulled up the story and started reading it again, but didn't get very far. I was distracted and also writing with Patty B. I also was able to play on Facebook. I took care of my virtual fish tanks and virtual pets. I do enjoy Happy Pets and Happy Aquarium. It's nice to have something to do between pauses when replies are being written or when the other is on a phone call. After all, real like intrudes. And we wrote for quite awhile together.

I did have to stop at one point and yell at Jordan. He and George were supposed to clean the bathroom. I told them as much when I picked up him and George from George's place. So when Jordan flat out told me he wasn't going to do it, I ended up using the leverage I had - George. I told them both that if it wasn't done George was going to have to leave. Guess what? It got done! I hate to be the mean mom, but I guess sometimes I have to be. Then I went back to writing.

I stopped long enough to have dinner. My mom cooked corned beef again. Yummy!! I ate two helpings! Then I went back to writing with Patty B until I got a phone call from Jason inviting me over. I'd been wanting to see my Cassie - especially with the new hair style so I told Patty B that I'd be on tomorrow and skiddadled to Jason and Susan's.

Cassie's hair looks fantastic!! I love it. It's definitely retro farah Faucet hair and it looks so good on her! Katie Belle was also spending the night or rather the weekend. Tomorrow they leave to go up to Fontana. Nascar race. Though I think it's just Jason going to that. I think the girls are going to go to the mall.  LOL! Or they'll swim in the pool at the hotel. Either way I know they're going to have a good time. So this was the last chance I'd get to see my baby girl until next week.

Wow I'm tired. I also feel really scatterbrained right now. All this week I have been forgetting things like my therapy appointment. I have been forgetting my phone more often than not. Just really scattered. In fact, I bet this sounds completely choppy. Anyway, I think I am going to finish watching "Merlin." I want to see what happens to this kid with magic going up against King Uther. I mean, you know nothing is going to happen to the King really. Just want to see how it'll play out for the kid. Then I'm taking my meds and I think I'll go to sleep. After all, tomorrow will be another day and with luck I'll actually be enjoying that one as well!

Okay, goodnight! LOL!

Writing Procrastination Writing future

Another good day for the books! I didn't go to the gym, but I won't go on the weekends. Too busy. I don't want to be in the crowd. I did sleep until 10:30am though. But in all honesty I didn't really do very much today. Just played online, watched TV and wrote.

I still haven't written the prologue. I don't know if I'm procrastinating or I just don't have a clear enough image of what I want in my mind. I suppose I can try to write down notes for what I want. I do worry that my story isn't that good. But I'm not that far into it yet. I've only written maybe 10 pages. Still, I worry. I want the story to be good and interesting. I don't like feeling like I'm procrastinating on this either. The write still isn't flowing as well as I'd like, but at least I'm writing. I just hope it doesn't sound like shit. I guess either way, I just need to get myself back together. Maybe if I finish another project I'll be back to how I was. I think I'm taking tippie toe steps toward going back to my other stories. I want to finish my Princes of the Desert set. I guess eventually I will. Who knows . . . maybe it will happen sooner than I think.

I was reading my Tarot cards for March and April. It really seems that things are going to go well. At least I'm going to keep believing that. Positive thoughts and all. Maybe if I keep to my editing on the 28th and have something workable to send out in March maybe I'll get good news in March or April. It would be so nice . . . Vindication that my work is good! :-) I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Move forward and with luck I'll have good news in my future!

Anyway, I'm feeling tired. Karissa is sleeping on the bed beside me. Oh and my mother said that I can bring her into my room! I mean, the litterbox, the food and water!! Everything!! I am so excited. I've been trying to clean up the room a little. Tomorrow Jordan has to help me with laundry and getting some of this stuff in here put elsewhere. Then I can move everything in and Karissa can officially be a house cat, except when she wants to go outside. :-) Which as the weather eventually warms up I'm sure she'll want to. She is so loved! Jordan loves her so much too. He comes in and can't help but pet her and give her kisses. And talk to her. We all love to talk and meow. I am very happy to have Karissa with me. Thank god for kitties!

Guess that's it. Tomorrow there is nothing on the agenda. Monday it's time for the editing so maybe tomorrow I'll make sure I have everything ready to get to work. Other than that, nothing. I'll just do more writing. Maybe I'll FINALLY write the prologue! LOL! I'll put it on the list. At least there will be a couple of things there.

Okay, time for bed! 

Itchy Scratchy

Today has been pretty good! I got up around 8:30am, took my last 5-hour energy, grabbed a water and headed to the gym. I got there just in time for the water aerobics. It was a great class and I was remembered by the other members which was nice. I missed the usual instructor, but this woman was great too. She's just not as funny. LOL!

After class I did my 30 minutes of laps. I think I'm getting faster. I then went into the spa and I stayed too long. Ended up sitting down almost the whole time I took a shower. All my energy was completely zapped. Walking out to the car to go home was like hiking cross country! :-P I was very glad when I got to sit down behind the wheel.

Then when I got home I had to turn around and leave again. I totally forgot my mom needed to go pick up her tabs. I really didn't want to because of how drained I was, but I knew she needed them back. Plus she wanted to go to the store, so I  offered to take her to Walmart since it was right across the street.

It took her almost no time to get the tabs and once we got to Walmart she gave me money to go to McDonald's to get something to eat and drink. Love Big Macs and they had two for $3.50. Can't beat a deal like that! Then after I ate, I realized that I wanted to get a woman's world and I wanted to check how much more 5-hour energy bottles were. Well, they were on sale! 2 for under $4. So I went in search of my mom. I almost walked by her, but she found me! Since the 5-hour energy was on sale, she got them for me and my magazine. Woman's World is the only magazine I get on a regular basis. I love them.

When I got home I just got online. Puttered around for a bit. I uploaded some pix onto yahoo. They weren't the best. I'll probably upload other pix tomorrow - maybe. I also got into my writing. It's still slow going, but it's coming along. I finally got to an interesting part where Laura was grabbed by someone in black and she was saved by this guy. His name is going to be Mathias, of course. I'm in the process of describing him. He has to have black hair and green eyes, of course. I just have to draw out more freaky stuff. I know I'm going to have her house broken into, but only a couple of things out of place. Maybe it starts getting more and more until she realized someone's been getting inside. I think the shop will be broken into as well and maybe even Angela's place. Maybe have her car's breaks were cut . . . Just stuff I'm thinking about. I still have yet to work on the prologue. I should probably start working on that tonight or tomorrow. I have never written stuff out of order before, but I think it's going to work. I'm still not sure how good the story is, but I'm enjoying writing it.

You know, the bad thing about the swimming at the gym though is that there's something in the water that makes me break out. At the moment I have several rashes and it sucks. I am going to keep using my ointment for rashes that the doctor gave me but I'm running out. I just hate itching all over. Why do I have to be the one with the sensitive skin?? Ugh!!

Anyway, nothing else has gone on. I am tired. I shouldn't say that I should sleep easily because I never do. Getting to sleep is a pain in the ass. I wish I could sleep easily, but it just doesn't come easy. I hope Karissa stays in most of the night with me though because tonight is supposed to drop down to 30 degrees F. Right now she's sleeping over by the window. I love having her with me. It really does make me feel better having her around. I love her so much. Thank god for her really.

Guess that's all there is. Emotionally I'm doing pretty good today. No real ups and downs. Just tired, but that's okay. I have had a good and busy day. Nothing to complain about except the stupid rashes! LOL! UGH!! :-P