Day 59 - Still Depressed But Starting To Get Back On Track

I am still very depressed about losing Linda. She was always so supportive. I would have liked her to be around for my surgery and to help me celebrate my successes. But oh well. There's nothing that can be done about it. I just have to realize that she'll be there in spirit. I did cry a little bit last night and talked with her. Though I doubt she's listening to me. She needs to be with Roger and John. But I miss her too.

Anyway, I slept until 12:30pm. I was worried I had missed the gardener because my mom had a doctor's appointment. I didn't which was nice. In fact, I was able to pick up Jason from the trolley so that he could come over and hang out for a bit. They let him go early from work so he said. I have this feeling he just took the time off, but I could be wrong. It's just this sense I have. But you know, it's not my problem. He's the one that missed out on the money.

When my mom got back and the gardener was there doing a good job, she decided that she wanted to go out for something to eat. We went to Denny's which was awesome. I got a build your own slam again. This time I got two eggs scrambled with onions, the chicken sausage patty, wheat pancakes and oatmeal. OMG! I was expecting a little bowl of oatmeal. Turned out the bowl was HUGE!! Needless to say, I didn't eat everything. I left half the oatmeal at least and I didn't finish the pancakes. So I took them home. I'm starting to get a little hungry again so I might be finishing those pancakes. Anyway, it was good.

When I got back I got on the computer for a bit. I got ready to go to the gym tonight. Then Cassie came home. Jason and Cassie were butting heads again and he sent her home, though I think she wanted to come home. I got a text from Jason saying he was going to send her home permanently. I ignored it and went to the gym with Susan and to water aerobics. The class was good, though I still went to the spa. I can't help it. I need to warm up. Then I took a shower and put lotion on. Susan helped me with my back and the back of my thighs. So far I'm not so itchy now. Maybe that's what I need to do.

But I'm going back tomorrow morning. I need to get back into the swing of things with the water aerobics. I need to lose weight. Only 17 more pounds to go before surgery. 

I also had to pick up my medication so Jordan and I went out. I also had to go to the store to pick up some brown sugar. I also grabbed tortillas for Jordan and caramel mousse tempations for me along with a life water for a dollar. I didn't get much, but I got my balance and I think Susan took more of my food money they she should have and isn't going to tell me about it. I'm not going to say anything, but next time I'm going to keep track of my balance so I know how much she uses. I mean I'm down to just over $100. That's just not right. THEN as if that wasn't bad enough Jason was upset about Cassie threatening to take everything away from her over her not apologiing to him. I understand, but he upset her big time and when she's upset there is no reasoning with her. But all she had to do was say "I'm sorry" without attitude!! Ugh!! What a pain in the ass. I was having a panic attack over it. Susan was crying. These guys don't understand what this crap does to us! UGH!!!

Anyway, I guess Jason finally settled down, but Cassie never did apologize to him. That sucked. I don't know what's going to happen now. All I know is I gave Cassie some ativan. I probably shouldn't do that, but she was so upset. She relaxed considerably and I'm hoping she got to sleep. Morning is going to suck. I have to get her up and get ready for school. She has to go tomorrow. It's been three days so that's enough. Time to go back to school. 

Okay, that's it for now. I need to get to sleep myself. I watched "Ghost Hunters" for the most part. Then I watched the new "Face/Off" which was really good. They had deadly animals and plants and had to incorporate them into something. Becky is a bitch though. I can't stand her. If she wins "Face/Off" I think I'll throw up. Now that's enough. Time for me to get to sleep - after the pancakes. I am exhausted and tomorrow is another day.

Day 20 - Happy New Year!!

Today wasn't a great day. It ended pretty good, but it didn't start that way. I just got depressed the night before. Maybe partly because I gave Cassie my computer so she could work on her homework and I couldn't do my usually playing online. But I also was itchy all night and scratching all night. I think that more than anything has depressed me. Basically, I need to do the water aerobics to help tone my muscles and lose weight. But the water in the pool breaks me out in a rash that doesn't go away. So there's nothing I can do about it because I have to do the swimming. I have to go into the pool and it'll continue after surgery as well. So I got into this funk about how are things really going to work out? Will I always have to be covered with rashes? Will that really be worth it? Anyway, I woke up depressed and went back to sleep until 1:00pm or so. Maybe later. I know I wanted to sleep later. I wasn't even hungry for a long time.

Eventually, I did get up and have a protein shake. I didn't grab my vitamins though. Guess I sort of slacked today all around. Then I actually broke down in front of my mom crying about the stupid rashes and I just don't cry. I hate crying, but I have been so upset.

Anyway, Jason wanted me to pick him up at Amaya and my mom wanted me to go to the store so I could get milk and two steaks. I also had medication to pick up from the pharmacy. So I picked up Jason. He went into the pharmacy for me and I went into Vons. I got the milk and then I found an AWESOME set of steaks that normally would have been $35 down to $14. Talk about a great deal!! And the two steaks were thick and just great! My mom was pretty surprised that I got such great steaks for such a good deal!

After that Jason and I let the car cool down a little then put water in the car and headed to his place. Cassie already had most of her friends already there. It was wild. I was glad to get there and I got my computer. I also got hugs from Katie Belle and Paige. It's always nice to see them! I spent a lot of time on the laptop going over Cafemom and Facebook. I did a survey on Bzoink that got posted to Facebook.

Susan made Chili Mac for everyone else and Teriyaki Tofu Stirfry for us. It was pretty good, but the veggies were just too hard for me to eat. I did, but it wasn't easy. Taste-wise, it was pretty awesome! I wouldn't mind having it again.

The girls all were having fun together, except this one girl. She was a bit over-sensitive anyway and that's never a good thing in a group of girls. No one was ever going to actually say anything to this girl, but she was really obsessive about "Transformers." And I don't get exactly what happened, but Katie Kelly told her two of the girls (Katie Belle and Lakaira) were going to tell her that they didn't like the movie or something stupid like that. She then got so upset she called her mom to come pick her up! It was nuts. I felt bad, but you know, I think it was best she went home. Then Susan and I watched most of the newest "Karate Kid" With Jayden Smith and Jackie Chan. It was pretty good! Then the original one came on and so we started watching that with Paige until it was time to let the girl go nuts outside. Even Jason woke up to watch the ball drop. It was funny because Susan and I were calling down seconds from 40 then 30 then 20 and the girls did the rest aloud on their own. They were a couple seconds fast, but that was okay. They yelled out and made a lot of racket we all had sparkling cider. It was really cool. And Paige was my picture taker. She did pretty good too!

Anyway, I left about 20-30 minutes after midnight. Traffic was lite and there weren't any cops around at least not on  my route. They're probably more toward Downtown. Well, I might be sleeping late today too, though I kind of want to watch the Rose Parade. I guess we'll see how I feel when I wake up first.

It's been a pretty good New Year's Eve. I might go find myself a little snack and then go to sleep. Of course, after I finish watching "America's Cutest Pets."

Tired But Shopped for Thanksgiving

I think I'm going to try to sleep here really soon. I might even bypass "Covert Affairs." I didn't sleep well last night and I did get up at 9:00am, though I rested until about 9:30am. But I did get up, get dressed, made my coffee and took my mom to Costco. I really didn't want to go, but I knew we needed to. I got a pretty good spot which was nice and it wasn't so crowded at first. I helped my mom get the stuff on her list and I really don't like shopping at Costco. It just takes a lot out of me. But I did it. While I waited on her, I got to sit down near the pharmacy and read a little bit of "The Mephisto Club." I got into it until my mom came. Then it turned out that I needed to go to the back of the store to get toilet paper because my mom didn't tell me I was supposed to get it.

Anyway, then we get through the line and I wanted help to get the stuff put away. It would have been so much easier and faster if the guy helping us would have walked with us to the car instead of making me drive over to it because I had to drive ALL the way AROUND the building. Deal with the chaos of cars that were there by the time we left. I was definitely irritated. I was never so happy to leave. Though we got a Pumpkin pie and an Apple pie, I really wanted a Pecan pie. So I ended up stopping at Vons before we went home. My mom waited in the car while I went in. I had to get milk and bread anyway. I didn't see pecan pie, but I decided I was going to ask. They said they had them, but they couldn't get them out for like an hour because of where they were and what had to be moved. She asked if I wanted them to reserve a pie for me and I gave a definitely yes, so she gave me an order slip and took my name. Going back to the car I was excited.

My mom made us lunch - chicken croissant sandwiches. Yum!! Then I just got online and I picked up my floor a little bit. Now I have clothes all over it again. But once I get the laundry finished then the floor will be mostly cleaned up. I have been so tired all day though. I've managed to stay awake. Playing on Cafemom helped. I eventually went back to get the Pecan Pie. I was so hungry I got two fruit pies for $1 - lemon and berry. I ate them in the parking lot.

Once home I had Jordan start laundry. I also had him bring me the clothes that were already done so I could put them on hangers, then I had him hang them in the closet. I'm running out of room though.

For dinner my mom fixed croissant chicken sandwiches again. I got an extra croissant out of the deal. They are so good! Then I took Jordan and Taylor out to McDonald's to get sodas. Taylor's going to be staying for a week which I think is cool!

Anyway, I watched a marathon of "Stargate: SG-1" which was cool to watch. I hadn't seen them in awhile even though I have them. Then I've been watching "Auction Kings" because that's a marathon too. But "Covert Affairs" is going to come on, but I am seriously considering watching it on Thursday night or maybe next Thursday. Whatever. I'm just tired and want to sleep.

I am kind of worried about Susan. Jason called me a little while ago and said that she's depressed. She says it's not him, but to be honest, I think the yelling and flipping out might be taking it's toll. I won't tell Jason that, but I think it's possible. Though she seemed fine when I saw her last. I don't know. I hope she is able to come out of it soon. I know how horrible depression is. I'm sure Cassie's attitude didn't help. But she's a teenager. She wants to hang with her friends, not her parents, not her godparents . . .  It's just how it goes. But I think Susan might feel it as rejection. 

Well, I guess that's it. "Covert Affairs" is on. Maybe I'll watch it after all. Maybe . . .

Is It PMS or a Mixed State?

I woke up feeling a little off, but okay. I went to my Doctor's appointment, but I was aggravated with drivers around me getting there because they were going too slow. I was aggravated with the receptionist desk because they took like seven minutes before checking me in - I had to stand and wait in line. Not easy on my back.

I didn't mind waiting for the doctor once I was called back though that took like 40 minutes. But while I waited for the doctor I did some reading of "The Mephisto Club." It's a REALLY good book so far. Then I talked to the doctor. Turns out I hate to go back tomorrow morning to get my blood work done. I also got prescriptions for Baclofen, Claritin and a saline spray for my nose. I even made an appointment for a Pap Smear and a breast exam which is next Monday.

From there, I went home. My mom wanted to go to the store so I took her to Vons. She got stuff for Thanksgiving and I got some mandarins and milk. Also my mom asked me to get ground black pepper and corn starch. I did more reading while I waited for her to get done. Once home, I got Jordan to bring in the groceries - including another turkey that my mom had Jordan put in her fridge - not freezer. Guess that's the one we're having for Thanksgiving.

I just started feeling worse emotionally. It wasn't terrible at first. It was manageable. I got on the computer and from there I played on Cafemom. I posted several things in "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and new word prompts for "The Writer's Workshop." I also edited "Love Me" my first James Bond fan fic. I reposted it on "FANtastic Writers" and in "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy." I had to change the forum a bit though. I had to make Creative Outlet private and marked as Adult Content. I also had to put a warning on my story that it was sexually explicit.

My mom cooked Pizza for dinner. I suppose I should have done it, but I just didn't feel up to it. She got aggravated at me because I just didn't want to do it. The pizza was pretty good, but I wished I'd had a pizza all to myself! LOL!

Then Jordan and I went to the pharmacy to get my new meds. It took half an hour. On the way there we got sodas at McDonald's and while I waited I did more reading. I can't believe how good this book is! I love Tess Gerritsen's work!! Then once I got home I got back online. I uploaded pix to Cafemom - Cassie and Katie Kelly carving pumpkins for Halloween. Then Jason started crap. I don't know if he was trying or what, but he starts with Jordan not being able to take his Xbox over tomorrow, even though he said he could. I told him he couldn't just change his mind and it seemed like he got upset with me. I asked him if he was or was I being paranoid and he told me he loved me so much and that I was being paranoid. Then my mother comes in and starts yelling at me, which considering the frame of mind I'm already in, it was horrible. I mean, I have been feeling irritated, aggravated, impatient, emotionally just feeling awful. My mind keeps going. My body inside feels like it's running at lightspeed, but my outside is moving normally. I just feel like something is so wrong and I just feel emotional.

So is it PMS or a Mixed State? I don't know. But I'm going to try to relax and finish watching "Mythbusters," then "Brad Meltzer's Decoded" and "Ghost Hunters." That's if I stay awake that long. I'm thinking of taking a Baclofen now and just chilling and maybe sleep. We'll see. I just hope this feeling goes away.

Good But Aggravating

I slept on the late side today. I actually woke up around noon, but then went back to sleep until my mom made sure I was awake at 1:30pm so I could go get Cassie. I got my coffee, ate three deviled eggs, my mom gave me money to get some foil at the grocery store and a list with coupons to use at Vons. I didn't find three of the things. Anyway, I went to pick up Cassie and while I waited I read more of "Passion." I really need to read it and get it done. It's a good book but for some reason I just keep putting it off.

Anyway, once I got Cassie we went to Vons. More than half the parking lot of blocked off for painting or whatever and we got lucky enough to get a spot. It was a pain though. Then we went inside. I got a sandwich for Cassie and I got one for me - though I ended up giving it to Jordan. I just wanted the liter of Dr. Pepper I got. But I got cake mixes, orange juice - Holday flavored creamers!!! Yum! It took longer than I wanted at the store. But it turned out that what took the longest was just trying to check out!! There were only two registers open! One being the express lane. Of course, I had too much to go there, but the line was huge there too!! It look probably 15 minutes or longer to get checked out.

As soon as we got back to the house Susan arrived to pick up Cassie and then drop Jason off. He wanted to hang out for a little bit. Also he flipped my mattress, thank God!!! I really needed that because I have gotten so scratched up by the broken springs. Then he asked me if I wanted to go over for dinner. I figured sure since I had $26 to put into my tank. So on the way over to his place we stopped at the gas station. Talk about another aggravation, there was this woman in a duley truck. The woman behind her finished pumping gas and left. I waited for her only to see her go into the store. I figured I'd be nice so the person behind us to could in too. But we finally gave up. In fact, this woman took so long that we had finished pumping gas before she'd even gotten into her truck! She like puttered around for 15-20 minutes. I just thought that was so rude. So did Jason.

Anyway, at Jason and Susan's Cassie was in the tub. She had also done her homework. Then after she got dressed she brought me Zippy and I got to cuddle with the little guy and listen to his chorttling. Sooooo sooooo sooooo cute!!! I love him. I'm a little nervous though because I'm taking care of him this weekend and I don't know how to take care of a guinea pig. But basically I just feed and play with him. :-) While we waited for Susan, we listened to some Christmas music. It might be a little early but why not get a head start on the Holiday Spirit. Once Susan got home she fixed dinner and it was delicious. She made a BBQ shake 'n bake chicken with mac 'n cheese and broccoli. But not long after dinner Cassie and I had to leave. She was going to do a load of laundry, but she ended up too tired. Jordan came into my room and spent time with me. We talked and I just hugged him for awhile. We talked about getting flavored vodka. I don't have the money, but maybe I will at some point. If he wants to do shots with me though, it'll have to be before the surgery. So we'll see what happens. But it was good we had that time together.

Now I'm just chilling out watching "Auction Kings Supersized" and I'm enjoying it a lot. They got a neat told TV that looked 50's futuristic and some stuff from President Carter for his humanitarian efforts. Anyway, I guess that's about it. I'm tired, so this is going to be the last thing I'm watching on TV, I think. Maybe tomorrow I'll get more reading done or maybe some writing. One thing is for sure, I have my therapy session. Can't miss that.

Just a Simple Day

Dare I say that I'm feeling optimistic today? After sleeping all day yesterday and on and off last night I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. When I first got up I didn't feel great. But soon I was dressed and heading out to go shopping. My mom wanted me to pick up some stuff from Walmart and Vons. I told her I could go to both places. And it all worked well. On the way to Walmart I got a soda from McDonald's which worked because I was able to get a refill at Walmart. But I basically got everything on my mom's list there - strawberries, frozen dinners, raisin bread, eggs, paper towels, bleach . . . I also got apple fritters for me and then a booklet for pumpkin carving. I hope we still have all the pumpkin carviing stuff. Then at Vons I got my mom's linguica and a book of stamps. I also got myself a bottle of green tea. 

By the time I got home I was more than ready to get Jordan to pull the bags inside. It wasn't that there was that much of it, but it was definitely too heavy for me. I did put the frozen dinners into the oven and then went to my room. I got to watch a little bit of "My Cat from Hell." It was an old one about Fifi and part of the one with Minibar. I didn't get to watch that one all the way through though. There's supposed to be a new season coming out of it and I'm looking forward to it! 

After dinner was ready we ate. My mom and I had turkey and stuffing. Jordan got fried chicken. I'm hungry again though! Ugh! But I have stuff I can snack on. Anyway, when I went out to eat I literally got dizzy when I hit the hallway. I really thought I might pass out! It was scary for a minute. Then my mom talked to me for awhile after dinner. But I eventually had to go back to my room. I laid down for awhile dealing with a heat rash under my breast. I also watched a few episodes of "Mythbusters" which was cool. Then when I saw my mom was in bed already, I got Jordan and we went to Albertson's. I got my mom some buttery spread made out of olive oil since she can't have dairy. Then I also got Jordan a bag of rollos. I got myself a couple of chocolate bars and peeps, but most importantly I got baby powder for my rash. I feel better already. Oh and I got a bottle of water which is what I really wanted anyway. Of course, when I got home my mom was up!! Ugh! I gave Jordan the spread to show her and headed to the bedroom with everything else. Not that I had tons for stuff. I then turned it back onto "Mythbusters," got the computer from Jordan, and then Cassie stopped by! She stopped to go to the bathroom and to pick up the Food card. Tomorrow will be nice when we go over to Jason and Susan's. 

Anyway, now I'm just finishing this up and watching "Penn and Teller Tell a Lie." It's a repeat from the one I saw Wednesday. I knew it was the tiger one that was the lie. I can read some animal body language and I KNEW the tiger wasn't attacking his keeper. She was a beautiful tiger too! Her name is Eden. 

Well, think I'm going to finish watching this, maybe eat a snack and take my meds. I also went through and read more on Black Velvet Seductions website and I feel more hopefully there too. I just hope to God they like my book AND that it doesn't need too much revision. I've got to stay hopeful. 

 

From Happy to Pain in 60 Seconds Or There Abouts

You know, I thought today was a good day. It felt like a pretty decent day for the most part. I woke up and got Cassie to school. I was exhausted though because I didn't sleep well last night so when I got home I went back to sleep - I didn't make Cassie's bed or anything. My mom got irritated though because I slept. But anyway, I woke up in time to get dressed and get Cassie. But my mom wanted me to go to the pharmacy and the store for her so I talk Jordan into going with me. He wanted to put his $20 down on his game for next month anyway and I told him we'd do that while we were out.

Well, we went and picked up Cassie. From there we went to the pharmacy and Vons. Jordan went into CVS while Cassie and I went into Vons to get what my mom wanted. I was able to get everything and have change. What was funny was Jordan came up behind us and scared the crap out of Cassie. Personally, I thought they were getting along okay. Guess not. Anyway, as soon as we get home, Susan was there to take Cassie. I said good bye and I didn't realize it was good-bye.

Going into the house my mom was upset about Cassie's clothes on the floor and the bed being unmade so I took care of that. Then I started prepping for hamburgers. My mom was going to cook them, but I prepped the pickles, onions, tomatoes and cheese. Dinner was good. Then I took Jordan and I to McDonald's. I got him a Rolo McFlurry and I got me a caramel sundae and Diet Dr. Pepper. It was good. When we got home, I was exhausted so I went to lay down for a bit. Then I get this message from Jason saying Cassie wants to stay with them. Well, I didn't want shit from my mom. But she said ask me and Cassie was so mean. She really hurt me. And she let me know she didn't want to be with me. She says she loves me, but if she did then why would she complain about the little time I had her here? It wasn't like she was spending tons of time here or anything. Anyway, first Jason was a fucking ass to me. Then I had to deal with Cassie. Then I was just crushed over this. She just doesn't want to be with me. It doesn't matter how she tries to say it's not that, but if she loved me and wanted to spend time with me she would take the time I had set up. She doesn't care. She doesn't. I should just accept that fact and move on. She doesn't want me to be her mother. She doesn't want me in her life except when SHE wants me. I feel discarded. Then Jason is like "We don't want you to feel like we're taking her from you." To be honest, I don't know how I feel about them where this is concerned. They could have tried to talk to her about being with me and I doubt they did. They just wanted her back and now they have her back and I'm left alone again. It just hurts. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to deal with it this time. I can't get past the pain. I hurt so bad I'm not sure I want to see them at all. But tomorrow I'm supposed to pick up Jason because Susan is taking Cassie to get her cavities fixed. I don't know. I just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I actually have thought about cutting. I mean, honestly who cares. Okay, that's not fair. Jordan cares. Maybe they care about it, but you know, I don't. I just hurt so bad, what am I supposed to do? I wish I could just disappear. Or numb out. Well, no, not numb out. That would take away the last thing that really matters to me. My Writing.

You know, I love Jordan so much too, but he's almost 20 years old. He's an adult. This is when he's supposed to go his own way. He doesn't and I love having him around, but Cassie was kind of like my best friend and she was definitely my baby girl. Maybe I am just a horrible parent and it serves me right to be going through this. I don't know anymore. I just hate it. These are the times I wish I were dead just so I wouldn't have to feel this and it feels like it's going to last forever.

I have to try not to think about it. I'm going to see about getting back to my writing tomorrow. I have to do something different. But if Jason thinks he's going to have someone that's great to be around tomorrow, I don't think it's going to happen. I need to start writing tomorrow. I need to do something with writing. Pour my heart and soul into that. At least that can't hurt me like this. I control the story. I control what happens. I can maybe loose myself in the story for awhile.

You know what really sucks? Yesterday I was so happy and excited and now I feel like I am in the depths of hell, crying my eyes out and in so much pain I can barely deal with it. Maybe I just need to take a handful of ativan and go to sleep. I am emotionally exhausted. I went from loving life to hating it in the matter of 24 hours or less. Great, huh? I hate things right now. I hate it! Hate it! Hate it. Part of me wishes I was were dead.

I Hate My Period!!

My anxiety level is so high. I'm tired but I probably couldn't sleep. I want to go to Vons and get a tiramisu bar cake again . . . And I just feel emotional. I HATE IT!!! Ugh! Then I'd go to Vons, but I think my mom is still awake and I wouldn't want to go until she's in bed.

I didn't do too much today except proof-read and re-post my James Bond Fantasy. But what really made my day was that she loved my story. It made her laugh, almost cry and she wanted more!! :-) That made me feel so good! I think I'm going to try to work on my "Michael" story. I just have to sort out my angle. But I have to figure out how he would react to a girl that comes out of nowhere. One who is clearly not from Atlantis, though I don't think he'd rule it out. Well, my mind will stew on it for a bit and see what I can come up with something because I would like to write something about Michael. I've always had a thing for him.

Anyway, my mom made me cook chicken. It was pretty good. I only ate two pieces though. My stomach had felt kinda weird, but I think that's from anxiety. I HATE PMS!!! The anxiety is bad and I hate that it's there and worse because of it.

I don't think I'm going to do much else tonight. If I get to Vons, that will be the best thing. I can get my sweet, creamy craving taken care of.

I did also watch "The Da Vinci Code" which is a really good movie. I hadn't watched it in awhile. Then after that was two episodes of "Leverage!" I was glad I finally remembered this week! I LOVE this show. Then I'll watch "The Glades" at some point. But I gotta get to Vons! LOL! CRAVINGS ARE KILLING ME!!!

It sucks having anxiety, being over emotional, being TIRED and the cravings. I hope all this eases up in a day or two. I can't handle this for long.

Okay, I guess I've rambled and ranted enough. I just hope my mom goes to bed soon!

I Finished My Fantasy Story!!

It took me almost all day and really, I was distracted on and off. But I set my mind to finish it today and tried to go easy on the sex, which I did. LOL! But it was so much fun to write! I could have kept going with it, but I just wanted it done and posted. Now I'll have to figure out another to  work on maybe. Well, I should do some editing and working on my own stories - I mean books. But it was so much fun to write my "007 - Love Me." Dumb Title but it works. I just loved writing it. And that's what my writing was missing for awhile - FUN! Maybe I can get that back now since I had so much fun with this story.

Anyway, I slept until 3:00pm or so. I slept like crap and I didn't sleep again until 7:00 - 8:00am. Then just bad sleep. My stomach has felt weird. I had that attack of Diahrreah yesterday. But I guess because I slept like crap I have been tired all day. I feel like I could lay down and go to sleep, but who knows if I would sleep. But I'm going to try here shortly. I am taking a muscle relaxer that Jordan picked up for me at the store.

Diana is starting to turn into a bitch again. I can feel it. She finds things. Acts like they were just done OR done just with the purpose of pissing her or my mother off AND she's mad at me because I didn't like her soup. She said I couldn't get enough of it last time. Well. she did something different then because it didn't taste the same. I don't know what to do, but she's upset about that. This is another reason why I sleep all day. I don't want to be around her very much. And it seems like she is just NOT going to leave!! I will kill myself if she's not gone by the time Cassie starts school.

Anyway, Jordan woke up at around 9:30pm. He wasn't going to eat soup so I told him I'd take him to the store though I have to stop doing that. Anyway, I had medication to pick up too - one of which was the muscle relaxer. We then went to Vons and I got him a couple of little sandwiches and I let him get a drink and ice cream. I got Gold Peak green tea and eclaires. I just wasn't in the mood for ice cream.

I have a lot of anxiety tonight too and I think that's directly because of Diana.

I guess the only thing that I did besides writing was watching "Beyond Scared Straight" which is a good show - troubled teens get a look what life is like behind bars. I watched a couple I hadn't seen, but then they started showing ones I had seen so I just went back to writing my story. Which was much better anyway.

I hope Angel my writer friend on FANtastic Writers likes it.

Writing is Fun

Today was another day I didn't do much except write and it was kind of nice to just write for fun. This fantasy story about James Bond and my character is going very well. I haven't had this much fun writing in a long time. And I've written my first sexual scene in even longer! LOL! No, not really, but it's been awhile. And thinking of my blond Bond with the blue eyes and great body . . . I hope I'm capturing his voice and essense. But either way, it does come down to fun.

I didn't wake up until about 3:00pm give or take. I remember my mom saying her and Diana were going somewhere with the neighbor, but I did finally get up. And started writing.

I didn't do much else. Jordan slept all day so I didn't go out and get sandwiches until he woke up. Then I went to Vons, got a sandwich for both of us (because my mom was really tired and didn't feel up for cooking). I also got us soda and because it was only $5 I got a Tiramisu bar cake. I can't bring it in until my mom and Diana go to bed.

Other than that I half watched the end of "Golden Eye" and "Die Another Day" - Yes James Bond movies, but not the right Bond. Though I'm considering putting one of the two movies on after "Haven" is over unless I actually go back to sleep. I'm pretty tired. But since I slept all day, I think I might be up all day. Plus my  nose is giving me trouble at the moment. I don't know if my nose will stay clear enough for me to sleep. That sucks. But I am tired.

I do really want to finish this bond story, but not sure how I'll do it. This story might have another 10-12 pages before it's done. I need to have them go to Dunn's falls at the very least and decide what will be going on at the end. And I have to decide just how much of my life to put into it. Either way Kitty Langford is me. :-) And boy would it be wonderful to have a vacation where I was thin and with blond James Bond!

Okay, guess that's it for now. I know, not very interesting, but it is what it is. Tomorrow will probably be more of the same. :-)

Working On My Fantasties

Pretty good day. Last night I actually got really into writing a FanFiction about the new James Bond. I'm to the sexy part now. I typed the rest up today. Turned out to be 7 pages long so far. Now if only I had a printer!! UGH! But that's really what I've done all day. That and I read Angel's story about her "Dream Guy." Apparently she has much more of it. For me, I want this mostly done before I post it. I'm calling it - with Jordan's help: 007 - Love me. I think after I wrap up this journal entry I'll go back to write and believe it or not, these scenes are tough to write. Making love through writing is beautiful, sexy and hot, but it can also get trashy and I don't do trashy. At least I try not to be trashy! LOL! But they are tough for me to write. I don't know why. I used to have no problem, but then I did and that's what I've been dealing with since.

Anyway I spent the day after waking up typing what I had written up. After that, I was still going at it when my mom called for dinner. Diana had cook trout on the grill in foil packets. I'd never had trout before and it was pretty good. There are too many bones though. Still, I enjoyed two fish. Jordan wouldn't eat it so he just stuck with the potatoes. He didn't even have any of the fried zucchini. I love fried zucchini. Anyway, I ended up going out to the store and getting Jordan a sub sandwich. I got myself a Green Tea and Cherry Cheesecake. It tasted great!

I really haven't watched anything. I was too busy on the phone. I got an email from Rick and he had lost my phone number so I called him and he has my number once again. We talked for awhile. We talked about a lot of things. But he's not a night owl. Where I hit my stride at night, he's a morning person. I suppose we'll figure out that one sooner or later and my little fantasy about having two men at the same time is just a step closer to being real and it's a little scary, but exciting.

Anyway, I may or may not watch "Burn Notice" re-air. I'm kinda watch "Suits" right now, but I think when I close this up I'll be working on a sex scene in my story to beat all others. ;-) Guess we'll see how the story goes!

Just a Little Note

Today feels like it's been a bit long, but it really hasn't. I'm just tired from not sleeping until 8:00am again and then when I did sleep, I had nightmares. I had this really bad nightmare where I let this woman watch my baby, but she wouldn't give me my baby back. There was something about hair and a woman from some government organization came and told me that the woman didn't have to give my baby back to me like I was some terrible person. That just stood out to me from all the dreams. I think it just stems from everything that has gone on with Cassie and John calling welfare on me . . . I hope I don't have anymore nightmares. Makes me sleep even worse, of course.

Anyway, I had Jordan clean out the car a little bit. Cassie came over to ask for money for the concert tomorrow - the Warped Tour. I didn't have it, but she wanted to ask Grandma. Grandma doesn't have it so she actually asked Diana. After talking to her for like 20 minutes Cassie was able to get the money to go - $46.50. That was really nice to Diana though there are always strings. However, nothing she can't do. I was just happy that she got the money to go. Of course, I can't believe she pierced her own lip! Ugh! I have the pic. She sent it to me. There's no use getting upset because it's done. I just can't believe she did it to herself! Guess she wanted one bad enough to do it herself. Ick . . . She's the one that has to live with it now.

When it reached 6:00pm Jordan and I left to go to the Drive-In to use our re-admission tickets. We went to go see "Cowboys vs. Aliens" and "Stupid, Crazy Love." On the way there we stopped at Vons and bought drinks and sandwiches and fruit pies. Then we stopped at the 99 cent store to get other goodies. The funny thing is, I couldn't eat that much after the sandwich. I mean the sub is HUGE. But it was dinner!

While waiting for the movie to started, I read more of "Passion." I'm getting more into it now. I just have this anxiety that I'm going to have to wait a year for the last book! LOL! I don't like to wait! :-P But so far it's good. I can't wait to see what happens in this book. And the movie "Cowboys vs. Aliens" was pretty good and Daniel Craig looked as handsome as ever! The storyline was really good. I wish the girl had lived, but oh well . . . she saved the world. Can't fault her for that! :-) "Stupid, Crazy Love" was kinda stupid, but the ending was good and had some humor, but it's not something I'll be putting in my collection unlike "Cowboys vs. Aliens" when it hits DVD.

On the way home we stopped at CVS pharmacy to grab my ativan!! Thank god for ATIVAN! I might actually get some sleep tonight! But I wanted to write this first. Now, I'm going to take my meds - my ativan - drink a little more soda and go to sleep. Tomorrow I have to wake up relatively early to take my mom to Costco. Diana might go. I don't know. Guess I'll find out in the morning.

Goodnight.

Enjoyed the Day

Last night was great! Rick came over. I introduced him to my mom before we went to my room. It was a really nice evening except for being interrupted three times - twice by my mother - actually all three times because Jordan knocked on the door to tell me Grandma was asking all kinds of questions about Rick, like Jordan would know. LOL! But he was great and I felt so good! Eventually my mom was like, he has to go! Ugh! Then this morning she's all freaked out about my having sex under her roof. I'm 41 years old! I'm not allowed to have a sex life?? Anyway, I guess that means we need to be over at his house from now on. I just need to get over my fear of driving over there. His street is tiny and my car is big.

Anyway, I didn't fall asleep until about 8:00am this morning. My mom woke me up at 1:15pm. It's not a lot of sleep, but I told myself to get up with the hope that I might fall asleep a little earlier. I certainly am tired enough. My mom made oatmeal and raisins so I had a good "breakfast." My mom wrote a list of groceries for me. Diana gave me money to get laundry detergent and dryer sheets. I also stopped and got myself a drink on the way. I went to Walmart and did shopping for most of the stuff. I didn't go crazy with the snacks for a change. I think having Rick in my life makes it so I don't need tons of stuff. Though I have to say I went overboard with the blueberry cream rolls. I don't know what it is about cakey stuff but I can't seem to stop eating them when I start. Actually last night I was good. I only had half of the box and saved the rest for Jordan.

After Walmart I went to Vons and bought only two or three items. I needed a chili brick and I got green tea. I love Gold Peak. It's good. At least I think that's what it's called. But I needed to get home, get the groceries put away and head over to Jason and Susan's. Susan needed to use my card to get some food for the house. I get paid back for the most part. But she got a late start because I got there about 45 minutes late. And it was great to see Cassie after not seeing her for two weeks. John was putting shit in her head, but apparently she didn't let him talk shit about me. I just wanted to keep hugging her and not let her go. And she looks more grown up - more like a teenager. She's growing up so fast and she's so beautiful.

Anyway, Susan came back and made Chicken Parmesan with Spaghetti and Texas Toast. It was so good. And we ate as we watched "Drew Carey's Improv-a-palooza" or something like that. It was funny! I loved it, though not as good as "Whose Line Is It Anyway." But after it was over, Jason was ready for us to leave. He gets tired early so I didn't take offense. Just hugged Cassie said thanks for the fantastic dinner and left with Jordan.

Once home, I got the computer from Jordan and I wrote to Ron, telling him about Rick and he enjoys hearing about my life - all of it. In fact, he wrote me back so fast! And it was so good to hear from my wonderful Aussie. I should have called Rick tonight, but I'm too tired and I need a shower. I'll shower tomorrow and call him. Maybe he and I can get together either tomorrow or Tuesday night after his son goes to sleep because I could certain use another good evening being a lover. :-)

Well, I watched the finale of "In Plain Sight" where Mary's sister ran away from her own wedding and Mary started having pain - labor? Of course, that was after her and Marshall and the rest of the gang almost get killed saving a witness going to testify. Now I'm going to finish watching "The Glades" take my med and trying to go to sleep early.

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. Tomorrow night is the Drive-In again - "Cowboys vs. Aliens!" Yay!

Running Tired

I don't think this one is going to be too long. I am way too tired to sit here and write tons of stuff. But I will give an outline of my day. I woke up at 6:15am. I so didn't want to get up, but I did and got coffee. Then I headed u to the Welfare office. I ended up taking care of the papers last night to ease my mind about what what I needed to do. Anyway, I got up there and the office wasn't even opened yet! So I waited in my car for a few minutes. I drank my coffee and then I ended up grabbing my folder with the paperwork. I was bummed out to find out I couldn't take my coffee in with me. Apparently there had been a couple of slobs the week before. Anyway I threw it away and went inside. I actually got seen pretty quickly. I also went in for orientation and talked to the woman about my issue with the medi-cal and the other insurance that's not supposed to be on there. She seems to think it might be resolved in a week. I hope to God it is. Oh, and there must really be a God because my mom and Diana ARE going to the reunion!! Yay!

On my way home I stopped by Vons, but a smaller one I don't usually go to. I got some raspberry lemonade, mini bear claws and these other treat stuff - cream puff in chocolate and chocolate truffle. Would have been better if I'd had a spoon instead of having to use my fingers. LOL! 

ANyway, after I got home, I laid down and went to sleep. My mom woke me around 1:30pm. She needed me to take her to the Grossmont pharmacy so she could get her tabs. We stopped at the post office so she could get stamps. We went to that pharmacy, then she wanted to go to Walmart. I went in with her. I got a few things, but then I took out my book at the McDonald's - getting more Soda (I had gotten a drink at another McDonald's). "Ice Cold" is really an awesome book. Anyway, from there, we went back home. I got online on Cafemom and posted some stuff and caught up. Then Diana wanted to go to AAA and Costco and I took her. She was pleasant enough. Turns out she's still sick. That's not a good thing. I think she needs to see a doctor, but she isn't going to - especially because they're leaving tomorrow for San Francisco and the reunion. 

After that, I was back on the computer until Jordan got up. I watched "Burn Notice" but after that Jordan and I went to Vons. He got two sandwiches and I got a sandwich and a chicken cesare salad. We each got a Sobe to drink and then these little creampuff things - like what I had that morning. After that, he picked up a prescription for me and we headed to Walmart. I picked up some treats. I upset Jordan though, when I didn't buy the "Addam's Family" movie pack. I still might get it, but not yet. Anyway, we came home and now Jordan is in his room, very awake. The treats I bought are in the car since my mom was still awake. I have the alarm set for 5:00am to wake my mom up. 

So that's it. I have nothing to do tomorrow, but I do have a commitment on Saturday to get the car fixed - that board that got recalled or whatever. Anyway, I think that's it. I'm exhausted. It's after 1:00am. Time for bed.

              

Over-Tired Quiet Day

I can feel myself sliding down just a little bit and I don't like it. Tomorrow I have got to get back to my GRAPES and my stretches which I haven't been doing the last few days. Think I have been spending too much time on Cafemom.

I had some strange dreams this morning. I can't really remember them, but Dirty Dancing kept coming to my mind. Go figure. I haven't watched that movie in years! I sort of watched it one too many times. Anyway, I could have kept sleeping, but when I woke up at noon to go to the bathroom, Jordan reminded me that we needed to pick up my medication - cream for my rashes. And he was getting ready to go to sleep because his sleep schedule is so off. Anyway, he wanted to know if I'd get him some gushers. Well, after picking up the cream we went next door to Vons and I let him get a box. I got a liter of Dr. Pepper and a bottle of water. Jordan made most of the gushers before we even got him. He shared a few pieces with me.

When we got back, he went to bed and I went on the computer. My mom heated up the tilapia that Jordan didn't eat for me with the salad he didn't eat either. It was a nice lunch. Then I went back to being online. I added a few forums to one of my groups and replied in other groups. And I have just been so drained today. Then my mom cooked chicken for dinner. We also had rice with peas in it. I just put BBQ sauce on it all and was it good!

After that, I went back onto the computer. Of course, Karissa hasn't been doing that good today. She keeps throwing up here and there. It's like she's trying to throw up a hairball. But this must be the worst hairball ever! Because it looks like she's breathing hard it worries me too. I can't lose her. I don't think I will. I think I'm just being paranoid. It's not like she's choking or anything. I mean, I'm crazy enough to make sure I can see her breathe when I get up a night to go to the bathroom, as if she's a baby. Paranoia . . . just being more paranoid more than usual.

Anyway, I have also been watching "Criminal Minds" for the last several hours. I really do love this show. It's great. What ticked me off though was that they showed a to be continued episode and then didn't show the second half!! They jumped to a different episode!! How annoying is that?? But it's such a good show, I got over it. I might eventually see it again. Who knows!

Well, I guess that's it. Maybe if I sleep now I'll wake up a bit earlier and then I will start my GRAPES again. I haven't even been checking off my schedule. Not good. So I need to get back to it. I need to get back to it for sure.

Now,  I think I will call it a night.       

Busy Like a Bee

Again it seems I'm writing my blog after midnight. Ugh! Ah well. It is what it is and I had things to do.

Last night with my TV not working I was a little nervous about sleeping when it would be so dark. No, I'm not afraid of the dark. But I haven't slept in the dark in a long time. Anyway, my nose was also giving me problems so I couldn't sleep that way. Jordan also talked me into watching some play-through on different video/PC games. I do like this one guy that does Total War Samurai 2. Or maybe that's Shogun. Not positive. But the guy is funny to listen to as he talks about the battle he's in. So that was fun. I enjoyed it, but I was so tired. Then because of my nose spray not working I ended up tossing and turning. Eventually I went to sleep but not until it started getting light out. So needless to say, I didn't want to wake up. My mom finally got me up about 1:30pm. It didn't take me long to get dressed then I took her to go get copies of these papers she wanted. Directions to the Ameral family reunion. Nope, it's not something I'm invited to and to be honest, I wouldn't want to go. I don't know most of these people and I have no sense of kinship with any of them.  After that my mom wanted to go to vons. She wanted me to pick up some cube steak for Chicken Fried Steak. She also picked out a roast for me that we can cut up and make stew out of. Outside of that I picked up milk, a water and a little coffee cake. My mom bought some stuff of her own. Then we went home. I had Jordan take the stuff inside. Soon it was time I had to go get Jason from the Amaya trolley stop because Susan had Cassie at a dental appointment.

I stopped at McDonald's to grab a Dr. Pepper and for the first time in awhile I picked regular Dr. Pepper. Anyway, I'm leaving the parking lot and turning onto the street when suddenly the cup tips over and spills on my leg. I get so distracted and upset that I almost cause a one car accident. I almost ran right into an electrical box on the sidewalk. I slammed on my brakes just in time. I swear I have a guardian angel! Anyway, I had to wait while a couple of cars passed me because I had to back up before going forward. Then I went and picked up Jason. I told him about my little adventure. Now I know how easy it is to get distracted by a drink and almost have an accident!

Jason hung out with me for awhile. Between him and Jordan we got my old TV out and put in my dad's TV, only the screen was jumping a little - which I then remembered it was why I had stopped using it to begin with. And as if that wasn't enough, it didn't have the port for the DVD cords. I would have needed an adapter. Ugh! Anyway, we found out that Cassie has gingivitis (like that's a surprise) and she has six cavities. It's a lot but to be honest, it's not as bad as it could be.

My mom made the chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and country gravy and OMG it was good! I ate the whole thing. My mom had cooked enough for Jason, but he didn't eat. He stayed a little longer and then waited outside for Susan to arrive. When they did Cassie came in, told me about her teeth and then got my food card so Susan and do the Food for Cash. I need to take care of it tomorrow.

Anyway, after that, I rested for a little bit because I had to get to Greg. What scared me is that he was supposed to come up to me to put fuel in my car and then go back to his place and then go to the hospital so he could get his MRI on his knee. That didn't happen and I was like at 14 miles til empty. I was pretty freaked out about it. By the time I got to Greg's house I was down to 8 miles. Eventually he put fuel in my tank. We also went to Longhorn Cafe again. I couldn't resist getting another burger. My god they are so yummy. We also got the onion rings and fries. I also got one long island iced tea, but that was it. I had to drive. After that, we went to the hospital. He took his prescription in to the pharmacy and then we went to the MRI section of the hospital. He didn't want to do it. I know he didn't. He's claustophobic and he took a lot of sedatives and drank quite a bit so that he could go through with it. While he did that, I ended up doing some reading on my "Crossfire" book. There were a couple of errors I'm going to have to fix, but nothing too major. Then I was talking to this one lady who was waiting for her son to get done with an MRI or CT. Then we started hearing this lullaby play. The woman at the desk told us everytime we heard it, it meant a baby had been born! I thought that was very cool! The sad thing is, Greg got done over an hour before we could pick up his meds. Eventually we went out to the car to sit. Then at about 20 minutes til midnight he went in and picked up his prescription for pain meds. I feel so bad for him though. He is in such pain with that knee. It has to be replaced. Something had to be stapled and something else that I can't remember. I was definitely happy when it was all over though. I got him home. He gave me a couple of percocets to help with my sleep and then I came home. I haven't finished reading through "Crossfire" yet, but I wanted to get this written. Plus, I'm tired and ready for bed.

As for tomorrow Greg said maybe there would be a Taco Bell lunch. That would be nice. But I have nothing else going. No class. No other plans. If Susan comes back with my card and my money I'm going to go pay my car insurance. It has to be there by the 25th. But I'll make it. I just wish my $50 check had come in. I thought it should have. It sucks! Oh well, it still might show up. If it did it would make my month! That would be nice.

Two For the Price of One

Looks like I get to write out two days for the price of one. I was so tired last night that writing a blog or email or anything was pretty much out of the question. There will always be those days every so often. I think I do need to go to the doctor though and see if I can't get a sleep study done. I am pretty sure I have sleep apnea because it doesn't matter. I am always tired. No matter how much sleep I get. I should make it a point to call the doctor tomorrow. Maybe I should write it on my hand or maybe my forehead so everyone around me can tell me - CALL YOUR DOCTOR! LOL! We'll see.

Tomorrow was a pretty good day. I was really tired though. More tired than I would have been. I got a call from Cassie at school to come pick her up. She was having jaw pain. I picked her up and found out that my phone wasn't working. Turned out neither was Cassie's, Susan's or Jason's. Turned out when they called to make arrangements on the bill, whoever it was, didn't put it down in the file so they shut off the phones. It eventually got resolved. Anyway, we got home and after a couple of phone calls with my mother's phone we went and had breakfast. Cassie actually made it for us. In fact, I hadn't asked her to make me anything. I just grabbed a yogurt. But she made me a grilled cheese sandwich. That was so sweet of her. But she likes to cook and especially anything with bread or tortillas and cheese. Simple and good. After that, we went into my room and listened to music and I started crocheting with Cassie's help. It started because Cassie found the little blue hook I had. I told her she could have a green skeen of yard and I asked her to pull out my projects. I found my hook in one project and the project I wanted was the next bag over. LOL! So we just talked and crocheted. It was awesome! I eventually had to leave so that I could make it to my RI class at Hearland. It was another awesome class. It's good to have that support and the example I gave was my anxiety over going to Greg's for a month. And though I have some anxiety about being with Greg at Greg's place a lot of it is the fact that I'm leaving my room, that I have to pack up my stuff and that basically I have to leave where I'm comfortable. Anyway, I would have been freaking out a lot more if I hadn't had the tools to tell myself to stop. That comfort is a want not a need. That fears are beliefs and beliefs can be changed. It really makes a difference.

Anyway, I thought for sure Cassie would be gone before I got home and I was so pleasantly surprised she was still there!! She was playing on the computer and we listened to music - hers and then mine. I went back to crocheting. We enjoyed each other until Susan came and picked her up. I loved spending that time with Cassie. It was awesome. After that I started re-heating chicken my mother had cooked the night before. I also fixed myself a salad, but Jordan didn't want one. Then while I was eating my salad I found out that the Exterminator had caught Big Momma. She'd also had little babies so he had to take them to Project Wildlife. Big Momma was relocated to Mission Trails Park. I don't think they caught Bandito though, so I'm sure there are still more racoons out there. However, with the traps gone Karissa can go outside now. 

After that, I chilled out to the TV. I watched "Chuck" and I believe it was the finale and it was AWESOME!! Morgan is going to be the new intersect! LOL! I can't wait for the next season. It's going to be the last, but at least they know that so they can wrap it up for everyone. I'm hoping at some point Sara gets pregnant. :-) Just so we can know she got the normal life she never thought she'd have. Then I just watched the end of something. Can't remember what. Then I watched "Sanctuary" which was also good. Nichola Tesla got re-vamped so to say. I have always loved the arrogant, yet funny and playful vampire. And I continued to love his character when he wasn't a vampire anymore. Now he's back! Can't wait to see what happens now!

I was so exhausted after that, but I was really craving sweets so Jordan and I went to Vons. Turned out they had a large sub sandwich and I decided to get it. I also got eclaires while Jordan got chocolate chip cookies. When we got home, we shared the sandwich. After we were done, I had thought about writing my journal and writing my Aussie - who wrote me a big, long email the other day! God, it's always so wonderful when I hear from him! But I was just too tired so I went to sleep. And it wasn't easy for me to go to sleep either. My mind just won't shut off. 

I ended up sleeping until about 11:30am. Greg was supposed to take me out to lunch as much as I wanted to, I didn't really think he would. To my surprise, he did!! I got dressed. Told him I was ready. He took me to this place called Longhorn Cafe. They serve 1/2 lb. burgers and boy are they good! And onion rings too! Big ones! But what was even better in some respects was the fact the place has a bar and the bartender really knows how to make a long island iced tea! It was so yummy! I hadn't had one done right in a very long time and Greg let me get four of them! Usually three would be enough for me. LOL! I was also really getting sleepy. I didn't think I could go to sleep, but as soon as I got home, I laid down in bed and went to sleep until my mom woke me up for dinner. Even at that point, I thought I might just eat and go back to sleep. But I stayed awake. I watched "The Chronicles of Riddick" on TV. It's one of my favorites. After that, I put on Discovery channel and watched repeats of "Deadliest Catch" until the new episode. They do go through greenhorns on deck.

But anyway, I am still keeping up with my stretches. I think I just watched something that will inspire me to keep it up. I don't want to get so heavy I can't leave my room or I can't get up and go shopping or see friends. But it's kind of why I don't use electric carts. If you stop walking for yourself your muscles will stop working so as much as I hate walking, I will walk around the store. I guess I have done some things right. I'm not as fat as I could be. But I am heavier than should be too. I'm just not ready to mess with my eating habits right now. It's one of my comforts and I'm just afraid I won't be able to eat what I want when I want. I think that will eventually stop and I'll get more serious. But for now, I'm going to do stretches everyday unless I really don't have ANY time or I'm seriously sick. I am committed to doing the stretches. Eventually everything else will fall into place.

Well, I wrote my Aussie again. I don't know when he'll get back to me, but I know he will and that's a good feeling. Anyway, I think it's time to wrap up. I'm tired and we'll see what tomorrow brings. I have class tomorrow though so that's something to look forward to.

Peace. Out! LOL!

A Sunday With My GOOD Family!

Today was another pretty good day, outside of being a bit sore from the stretches. But I have stretched for another day in a row. So far so good! It's because I "WANT" to do my stretches. Cool, huh?

Anyway, I woke up around noon, give or take 30 minutes. I then got coffee and did my stretches. I started doing my GRAPES, took my meds, went through some spirals looking for my hand-written version of "Crossfire" which I planned to finish reading and work on. After that, I headed over to Jason and Susan's because they invited me over for dinner. They did last night too, but I couldn't last night.

It was nice being over there. I got to spend time with Jason and Susan, but I really got to spend time with Cassie. Then I guess I was talking more than usual because Jason asked me if I was manic. LOL! I asked him if I were talking fast and he said after that, that he didn't think I was manic. I guess he's just not used to me talking that much anymore. Most of the time for the last year or so I haven't had much to say. But with the classes and working the tools everyday so far so good. But the real challenge will be when I have a really bad day. Hopefully I'll be able to really use the tools and cope. However, I hope I don't have to test it out anytime soon. But with Diana coming next month and me having to be elsewhere and out of my comfort zone . . . I don't know. I can see a lot of anxiety looming, but I'm hoping I keep it together. I mean, it's just one month right? Okay, well . . . we'll see what happens. But so far so good with the tools.

Anyway, Susan made chicken-fried steak with mashed potatoes and country gravy with corn on the cob. Then for dessert we had French Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. Then Jason and I watched part of this show called "Killing of Bin Laden" and it was interesting. I could have watched more, if there had been more. But shortly after that I took my leave. I said goodnight and goodbye. Gave Cassie hugs and kisses. On the way home I got fuel for the car. I needed it badly. Then once I was home I pulled apart my corner because I had the wrong spiral for "Crossfire". I had the original draft - what I'd written of it though. What I needed was the second draft - the one I was typing up before my desktop computer took a dump. It took awhile to get through my corner, but I have it better organized now. It could be better and eventually I'm going to have to pack it all up anyway. It just sucks. I hate that I have to uproot my life because Diana is coming. I know my mom wants to work on my room, but this is really going to play havoc with me emotionally. Oh well, I might as well not stress on it now.

So all I did tonight after going through my corner was watch "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" and then "In Plain Sight." They were both great episodes. It's interesting to see Goran in therapy. And then the love story of this guy and the woman he has always loved (Since he was 9), only to remain her best friend. But eventually he tells her how he feels. She tells him how she feels and they live happily in Witsec ever after! LOL! That and I think Marshal is still in love with Mary. I think he always will be. I wonder what Mary would do about that! LOL! He's her best friend. After that, I took Jordan to the store and we each got a piece of cake and a soda. I shouldn't have probably, but it sure tasted good! And I also wrote to my Aussie. I'm waiting to hear back from him, but he does get busy. Still . . . I wish I'd hear from him more.

Oh and it was so funny! Just for fun, I rubbed some catnip into the corner of my bed and I got a great laugh watching Karissa rub and roll all over it and eventually lay down and enjoy. It was so funny! It brought a smile to my face.

Anyway, tomorrow I have class - Recovery International Group. It's a great group. Then I'll be trying to work on "Crossfire." There's not much else on the agenda. We'll just take it as it comes.

  

An Awesome Saturday!

I slept late today. I don't think I got up until about 1:30pm. My mom wanted me to take her to Walmart, but first she had made some spaghetti for an EARLY dinner. I mean dinner is not generally at 2:30pm! But it didn't stop me from eating. I had a big plate and I ended up being quite full. I'm not used to eating a lot when I first get up, but I knew I needed to eat. After that, Jordan pulled out hangers from my closet so that I could put my clothes on them then have Jordan hang them up for me. It got them off my bed and that's a good thing. Then my mom took a nap before we could go to Walmart. That was okay. It just left me with time to putter around my room, write out my GRAPES. I haven't really finished with it today yet. I'm going to do some meditating. It really wasn't that long before my mom woke up ready to go.

Walmart is always good. My mom and I always split up and then meet at McDonald's. She tells me a couple of things to grab for her along the way. Well, this time after grabbing the things she wanted, I decided to look in the $5 DVD bin because I've been trying to find "Fool's Gold." There was this woman there that was seriously digging through the DVDs so I asked her if she'd seen a copy. Well, she hadn't and after a few more minutes I gave up, went to McDonald's and got a soda. Then awhile later the woman found me and said she'd found a copy of the movie. She told me she had put it on the side of the pole, but I wasn't sure what she meant. But after my mom came and she ate while I had an ice cream cone, I told her I wanted to check something out and went back to the bin to see if I could find the movie.

Well, I didn't find it . . . There was this guy there and I was bemoaning the back I just couldn't find this movie. He suggested I make a pile of the movies and go through them one at a time, but I just didn't have the time. I told him I couldn't because of my mother. Again, I gave up and went back to my mom. After that, we headed to the back registers where the car was parked. Just as I was getting ready to get my things scanned the guy tracked me down and handed me my movie!! He said, "Told you we could find it." I thought that was so incredibly awesome! How often do you find one kind stranger, but to find two? I think I was definitely meant to get that movie today. LOL! It was just a really neat experience and I walked away with the movie I wanted!

After we got home, Jordan brought the stuff in from the car. He was happy. I got him a candy bar. :-P Then I got myself to do stretches again. That's three days in a row of "WANTING" to do stretches and doing them! Then some time after that Jordan brought me my computer back, but I didn't really have very much energy to do anything other than check a couple of sites. Then Jordan wanted to go to the store. He wanted more candy and I remembered that Vons was having a buy 2 get 2 free on some of their candy. Then I figured if we were going there, why not get a sandwich and chips? Of course, when we got there, there were no large subs. We had to make due with little sandwiches of which I bought us two each. I got us each a bag of chips and a soda. We still got the candy and I also got Eclaires. OMG! I forgot how good those were! Basically, we sat in the parking lot and ate. We brought home the chips and my candy. He ate his. But Jordan is a bit of a bottomless pit. He eats and eats and eats. 

Anyway, I found a new show I like!! "My Cat From Hell" and it's awesome. This show I can really get into because I'm a cat person and I can really impliment anything new I learn - if I can being that I'm not in my own house. But Karissa doesn't have any bad behaviors. She is loving and she talked . . . she's wonderful and I love my baby so much! But it's awesome to watch this guy work with families and their fur babies to end bad behavior and make everyone happy. GREAT show!

Okay, guess that's it for now. I am exhausted and am going to try to go to sleep. I won't hold my breath though. I lay down and my head starts working. I hate it, but it is what it is. However, I'm so tired that maybe I will fall asleep easily. That will be my hope.

  

Gonna Get Big Momma and Bandito!

I made it to my classes today which was a good thing. I didn't really get a lot out of them today, but I have a hard time with "I" statements with all kinds of components to them - when you . . . I feel . . . Why . . . what I want . . . I think think most people think of that at the spur of the moment unless you are seriously emmersed in the tool. I do try to use "I" statements when I do discuss things with people that are uncomfortable, but I don't sit there and think of each one of those things. I might work on it though, if I know there's going to be a discussion one way or another. We'll see. I guess I got something out of the classes after all! LOL!

Then I come home and find a strange guy walking into our yard carrying what looks like a container of bird seed. Turns out it was dry cat food. LOL! There were also traps in the front yard. Turned out that the racoons I've been seeing around the house made three holes in the neighbors roof and they put a hole in our roof! They are cute suckers, but when they start causing damage, it's time to go. It's okay though. This guy has a capture and release policy. Hopefully they will like their new home. But anyway, he put out two traps. He showed me how to open the traps in case we catch cats instead of racoons. I think I can reset it. At least I hope so. But he doesn't seem to think it'll take that long to get them. So looks like Big Momma and Bandito have to go. In some respects it's too bad. I liked watching them, and they're cute, but they definitely need to be caught and moved. And yes, I do know they can be very, very vicious when cornered or feel threatened. I'm not stupid. But I've always liked racoon. I just wish they weren't so destructive. Anyway, we'll see if we catch them in the morning. It would be kind of cool to catch Christopher though. Since he ran away we've all missed him. I won't hold my breath though. And poor Karissa is going crazy. She can't go out until this ordeal is over. However my mom said she can roam the house when I'm surpervising her. LOL! Go figure.

This afternoon I also called and made Cassie an appointment for a physical. I double-checked her appointment for Friday and got the address. Took my mom to Henry's to get some fruit and veggies and some Cayenne juice or oil or whatever it is for her lemonade. She also wanted peppermint oil because it's supposed to keep pests away. I don't mean racoons, but maybe! LOL! I also stopped at Vons on the way home to get some pork chops for dinner. I also have been wanting to try Neopolitan Klondike Bars and they had them! After dinner I tried one and enjoyed it quite a lot. I also wrote my Aussie though I haven't heard from him in the last couple of days. But he gets busy with work and family. I just hope he writes me tonight. I love to hear from him. It always makes my day. 

Then after dinner, I watched the newest episode of "Hawaii 5-0" on Hulu. Puttered around on the net. Watched "River Monsters" which I really enjoy. Jordan wanted me to watch "The Patriot" with him tonight, but I am just too tired to enjoy it, so I promised him I'd watch it with him tomorrow afternoon. I even wrote it down on my schedule, so I'm serious. I also finally took a shower. I'm not furry anymore! LOL! My arms and pits are furless! My legs are another matter, but taking the shower and doing what I did took a lot out of me. 

I was rather aggravated though. I lost most of this post and had to rewrite it because "Blogger" had maintenance and I didn't know. But I think I'm still doing okay rewriting. I think I'm still getting the points I got. Anyway, as I waited for "Blogger" to come back on, I went to my Yahoo account and posted a status of aggravating. LOL! Then I decided to upload Easter pix. I figured something that would take some time would be a good thing. Turns out it was. I hope it doesn't take too much longer to load up all the phones though. I think some of the cutes - outside of the ones with my daughter - were the ones of Karissa playing with a Cadbury Egg. LOL!

Okay, well, tomorrow I plan to go to classes and we'll see what we catch in the traps. With luck it will be Big Momma and Bandito. I just hope we don't get a skunk! LOL!