Another Day Another Time For the Bitch!

I don't have much to say today. I slept almost the whole day. I wanted to. I have to wake up so early tomorrow it sucks. But I have to go to Welfare. I need to fill out the paperwork too. I just wish I didn't have to do it. Especially because I have hardly any fuel left and I just hate it. But we have to do what we have to do. 

My mom had a cow with the fact that I was sleeping so late and that Jordan did too. He slept longer than I did. I finally got up and watched some TV and got online. My mom or Diana had made dinner and I got Jordan up to eat and do dishes while Diana was on a walk. Of course, when she got home, she started yelling at mom. Whatever. It will come back to me sooner or later. As it is my mother has still been a bitch to me. She has been so verbally abusive. It's hard to be back in this position. It really is. I'm having heartburn every night. I am always anxious. I'm always tired. Emotionally this crap is just draining. And I can't say anything because I'm always wrong. Doesn't matter if I were right. I would be wrong no matter what. I fricken hate it. I just wish Diana would just go back to Dave or drop dead. I hate her. And now my mom says that they might not go to the family reunion! OMG!! Kill me now! I need a break from them! I need that week break!! Ugh! IF there really is a God, He will make them go to it and get them out of my life for a week so I don't flip out. I'll tell you, I don't know how much I can take if Diana is here. I have wanted to cut almost every day several times a day. What can I do? And if I leave they will do what they want with my room. I would be leaving Jordan alone here to fend for himself . . . I don't know. I don't know what to do. 

I'm going to hope that my food money is in tonight. I want to do some food shopping. Nothing major. Just want to get some snacks and stuff. My mom and Diana will have a cow, but you know, whatever. Then stop stressing me out! They have the attitude that I should do what they want if I want them to stop. Well, I want the same thing. I want them to stop before I give up my treats. Well, nothing is going to change though. I know it for a fact. That's how it goes here. My stress level isn't going to go down, so my stress eating isn't going to go down. I won't even try to stop it right now. I should, but I don't want to. I guess I just stuff with food. It will make me feel a little better at the moment. It may not later, but it will work for now.

Well, since I'm going to go out to Walmart in a bit and go shopping, I think I should get dressed. :-P I just hope my food money is in so I don't look like an idiot in line. I might have to take my heartburn medicine now. I hate that it's happening everynight. Anyway, I suppose that's it for now. I am hating life at the moment, but there's nothing I can do about it. So there you have it. Crap on crap. I just need to get dressed and finish watching "Haunted Collector" season finale. Almost can't wait to get to the store.

                  

Had a Good Productive Day!

Well, my day started early. I only got about 3 or mayber 4 hours of sleep last night. I think I was just too wound up to sleep. I knew I had to wake up early to get the brakes taken care of.

It was hard waking up. I downed a 5-hour energy AND I fixed my coffee before I left. When I got the car there, I was glad. I think I was there for at least three hours. I read for a good portion of it. "State of Fear" is getting really good!! But I also watched one of the Navy Aircraft Carriers come into port after being gone for 6 months. I can't remember the name if the ship though, which sucks. But it was awesome to watch the families waiting and to see the soldiers finally leave the ship. See the first hugs and first kisses . . . Awesome! It also turned out that it wasn't the front brakes I needed to take care of, but the rear brakes! :-P At least it was the same price. I walked out of there having spent only $112! Cool, huh?

After that, I was starving so I stopped at Sombrero's where I got a Chili Relleno Burrito. It wasn't as good as Cotija's. Plus they put sauce all over it and I didn't taste any sour cream in it. That sucks. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't what I wanted. I just didn't want to drive down to Santee. I suppose next time I'll have to.

When I got home Jordan wanted to go out and get a couple of burgers. I needed to put fuel in the car so we headed out again. We went to the gas station and I almost forgot what side of the car my gas tank was on. No, I'm not tired at all! :-P But we got fuel and it was a great price. I think it was $3.77 per gallon. Or something close to that. Then we swung around to McDonald's. I got him a couple of McDoubles and I got myself a Diet Dr. Pepper. After that, we headed over to Kahoots to get crickets and fish. While I was there, I asked if they'd take a red-eared slider if I brought one in. When I told her it was the size of my hand, she said it was big enough to sell. I also asked what Crayfish eat . . . well, it turns out they eat goldfish!!! :-P So basically I'm buying fish now, for the crayfish that Cassie named Mr. Crabs. I have to keep him! Anyway, we went home long enough to have Jordan dump the water out of the little tank for the turtle and then brought the turtle back to Kahoots. As soon as he was in the tank with the other turtles he was digging it! That was just awesome to watch. I know he's much happier. And as it turns out, it is a HE!! Not a She! I was pretty happy getting that done, knowing that Waterclaw was going to be much happier!

Coming home, I played on Cafemom for awhile and then I took off to go to therapy. My therapist is moving offices and will be at the new office by the time of my next appointment. What's cool, is the place is closer to me! Yay! But I had a good session. Talked about Cassie. Talked about the kids in general. Talked about my dad and how depressed I was on the 13th, but how I feel better now. AND I told him about finally dropping Greg. EVERYONE has told me to dump him and this isn't the first time. Dr. Tess felt it was definitely a significant event. I think it was time. It needed to be time.

When I got home I heated up some spaghetti. I watched news about Tot Mom - Casey whatever her last name is. I HATE her. I think she's a lying, murderous BITCH. She should have killed herself. And since she didn't, I hope the state does! My mom also made some lemon meringe pies - little ones. They were so good! I would have liked it a tad bit sweeter, but it's still delicious. And after that I went back to Cafemom and watching about Tot Mom. Even now, I finished watching "Haunted Collector" and I think I'm going to check back in with Cafemom, but then I'm going to shut things down, do some reading and go to sleep a little earlier than I have been.        

Just One Of Those Days

Actually for the most part the day part was fine and the negative part of it was actually kind of a small part.

I woke up with Cassie coming over for the shot record for the school to prove that she had her Tdap or whatever that shot was. She had it, now she's shown it to them so they ought to re-enroll her for next year. But I didn't get the shot record back. I need to talk to Cassie about it because I forgot to ask her today after school.

Anyway, I got up, got coffee, got dressed. In time I left for class. They weren't as useful as usual, but there was some good stuff. And we laughed a lot. Plus it's always good to see Kimberly. Ooops, I was supposed to call her tonight . . . Well, I'll see her tomorrow. It was good to get out of the house for class though. I always enjoy myself. And I also finally called Greg, told him I'd blocked him on Facebook and didn't want him to contact me again. Gee, I heard from him after that! He was in the hospital. Apparently there were no phones! Yeah, right. Whatever. I'm done with him. I have had other people confirm to me that he's just not worth my time anymore. And I know that he couldn't have been at the hospital all that time. He was back with Linda. Not that it mattered to me. But don't freakin' lie to me! He blew me off because of her after he told me he'd take care of my brakes on a certain day at a certain time. I am just done.

When I got back, my mom needed to go to the bank. My mom and I first ate a sandwich each for lunch and then we went to the bank and then I took her to Albertson's to get stamps. She also picked up some lettuce. Then after that, I got a chance to rest a little and check in on Cafemom before I had to leave and pick Cassie up from school. It was good to see her. Jason and Susan went up to their sons' graduation - Chris and Nick. Cassie couldn't go because of school - plus Susan's mom wouldn't want her there. Ugh . . . a story in itself that I have probably written about before. That woman is an old, bitter, unforgiving bitch. But enough of that! I picked up Cassie and we went back home. I played on the computer for awhile why she went through the pix on my camera. Then I let her on. She put on her playlist which I like a good portion of the music. Just not so into the rap. :-P At around 5:00pm we went out and had dinner. I made small salads for us and heated up my dad's chili. My mom made it, though I think she does something different because hers is more soupy than his was. After that, I let her back on the computer and I laid down a bit. I am so tired, even now. But I didn't sleep. I also got to check on Cafemom  on and off. 

Eventually, we headed over to Jason and Susan's. I stopped at McDonald's for drinks on our way. Then there, I was trying to watch "Haunted Collector" and the cable box froze twice! 

But here's what got to me. They got home close to 10:00pm and Cassie was still awake. They were surprised but didn't say too much except that Cassie was going to be grouchy in the morning. But I don't think she would have slept anyway with me there. But I had this feeling like when I left they were going to talk behind my back about the fact that I wasn't a good mom. Don't get me wrong, logically I know that's probably not happening. I think it's a paranoid thought. But it's hard to deal with those thoughts though. I feel like I have failed. There are so many things I would change if I could, but you can't go back in time. I can only go forward and I know I didn't screw up everything. I am not a total failure. I might not be the best parent in the world, but my kids know I love them. Plus, I realized that I was really placing my own paranoia onto Jason and Susan. That I was mind reading and jumping to conclusions - both thought disorders. And I just tried to rephrase for myself.

Anyway, I wrote a bit about how I was feeling on my group on Cafemom. I think that helped me feel better too. Some place to vent and get support. Now I'm watching the re-run of "Haunted Collector" and hopefully going to finish what I missed earlier. It really is an interesting show. The first half was about this woman's home. She'd lost her mother 6 years ago and the mother's spirit was attached to a music box. They got an EVP with the mother saying "Purple Flowers" which made the daughter cry. But she let him take the music box to see if it would help. The second half is about this man's house. His 11 year old son is being scared to death at night every night. I haven't finished watching it yet, but so far so good. But I am so tired, so I'm going to hopefully sleep as soon as this is over.

At least I didn't fall into the pit. I could have too. So I must be doing something right!

             

So Far So Good!

Well, my positive streak is continuing! Though it was hard, I woke up early - 8:30am. I drank a 5-hour energy, grabbed a water and headed out to class. First class was Coping Skills which was awesome. We started talking about what's been helpful to cope with things and my response, of course, was GRAPES! I got to say and explain what it was. It was awsome!! Kimberly was there. It was great to see her. Russell was awesome too. He went to the community meeting and made sure to mention to them they had to keep one of the old chairs because I couldn't fit into the new chairs. That was really cool. I couldn't be without a chair. The second group was Cognitive Therapy. It wasn't as good as the first group this time. They were doing Thought Distortions and Antidotes for them. It was okay, but not that useful for me. I guess because I try to say positive things to myself. I know it won't always be easy, but for now I'm doing well. I also ate 3 1/2 starbuck's goodies that were brought in. It was so good though I probably shouldn't have had so much. They're hard to resist though, not that I was trying to! LOL! Before I left Kimberly gave me a hug. She's so cool! And I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person except with my kids, but when I see her, I want to give her a hug! It's cool. I think her and I are becoming friends!

Anyway, I came home and played on the computer for a bit. We had a very early dinner or late lunch. I also did my stretches. Then I went to therapy. My mom was nice enough to give me a $1.00 so I could get a drink at McDonald's on my way. Of course, they were out of Diet Dr. Pepper. They asked if I wanted Diet Coke . . . Ick! So I went ahead and got a regular Dr. Pepper. 

Therapy went well. I did talk a little about how I feel as a parent and how I try not to think about it. It does have a tendency to bring me down. But I also know I did what I could. We touched on the fact that I had a bad episode with the bipolar when I didn't know what was happening to me. I was traumatized by it. I know I was. Also talked about faith and how I just don't know if I believe in God anymore. I believe in life after death though. I believe maybe there could be a Higher Power. I just don't know. But all in all, I am doing well even with the fact my sister is coming. RI tool - To Know Is Not To Know. I don't know how things will be when she's here. It could go well. I just need Jordan to be out of the house. 

After that I came home, I went and watched TV. My mom was nice enough to make another dinner - meat and beans quesadillas. It was good! After that I went back to watching TV. Jordan had the computer and I got him to take a shower. I told him he could keep the computer until 10:30pm. I continued watching TV; a special episode of "Ghost Hunters" at 8:00pm. Josh Gates was a guest investigator. It was awesome. They were at some museum. I can't remember if it was aerospace or just planes. Can't remember what it was called, but it was great! Then I watched "Haunted Collector." It's a new show and seems pretty interesting. It's kind of like Ghost Hunters, but he tries to find a haunted object. Then after that was "Hollywood Treasure" back for it's second season. It's a great show. It's so cool to see what he is able to find and put up for auction. Not that I could ever buy anything, though I have seen some stuff I would love to have, of course. I think I'll watch those last two episodes next week.

I also decided to rejoin Cafemom. I haven't done much. I haven't joined any groups yet. I'm going slow because I don't want to be overwhelmed again like I was last time. Needless to say, I probably won't make any groups. Not that I can say for sure I won't, but I know I felt so overwhelmed by all the groups I was involved with and how many I had by myself. It was crazy how my other account was. I'll play more with it tomorrow as I finish up my Favorite things. 

Anyway, I think that's it for this entry. I am very tired and still need to set the alarm. I'm happy with my day. I completed my GRAPES and I just met some goals like the stretches and getting Jordan to take a shower. And on that note it's time for bed.