Starting On the Path to Getting Published

I am so excited! I got my money today so I went and picked up some of the stuff I needed like nose spray, toilet paper - catnip snackies for Karissa! But I also got envelopes and stamps! Yes, that means I am getting ready to send query letters out!! I have a bunch of letters just waiting for my signature and the envelopes! But what I'm really excited about is that I emailed a query letter, synopsis and the first 10 pages of my book to a literary agent. THEN I sent off a query letter WITH my manuscript to a publisher!! And I really, really, really want this publisher to like what I've written! Everything I read on their website fits perfectly for me! That's where I want to be! And I'm hoping beyond hope that they think I'm a fit too. Only time will tell though. But this is the first time I have ever sent out my manuscript EVER! Ever! Ever! Ever!! And I always used to say that if I could just get someone to read it I'd be set! I really hope that's the case! I think I have a great book! Not Times Best Seller, but I think it's a book that women will enjoy!

Anyway, I was going to get Karissa her flea medicine, but I forgot that it was Sunday. Ah well. Then my mom wanted me to pick up some cooked ribs from Vons. So I did that. That's where I got the stamps since Walmart doesn't sell them. It was a good dinner.

I was a bit aggravated earlier though. I put on my favorite new shirt, but my mom wanted me to do dishes and use a little bleach . . . yep! Bleach got onto my nice new shirt. So it's basically ruined but I know I'll still wear it. I just wish that wouldn't have happened. But oh well.

I've been trying to do what I can for my mom. I did the dishes, I put dishes away, got her water . . . I don't know. I know I don't do enough, but just that bit is enough to make me tired. It's a good thing I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. Jason told me how proud he was of me again. It is always nice to hear because I really just want to keep moving forward.

Anyway, I think I'm going to take some ibuprofen for a headache I'm getting.  Probably from all the typing without my glasses on. Then I think I'll watch the rest of this "River Monsters" and then watch "Halloween Wars" on Food Network. If it weren't for it being a special I'd be watching "IRT Deadliest Roads."

Okay, think that's it for me. At least for today! :-)

Accomplishment and Laughs

I'm so happy! I have a final draft of my synopsis for "Assassin's Seduction!" Last night Susan looked over my synopsis three times and couldn't see anything she could do with it. She said it made her want to read the book!! That's always a good thing! So then I got a hold of Nicole today and asked her if she'd look it over. She said sure, gave me some ideas on how to streamline it just a little. She also found a couple of "tense" errors. Tenses are a pain in the ass when you're used to writing in past tense and suddenly have to write in present tense. But the best thing - the synopsis is down to TWO PAGES!! It kept going onto three pages, but with Nicole's suggestions it's down to two! That makes me feel better. I really didn't want it to be over two pages long, especially since it's a short book. I think it's good to go and that's awesome!

You know, the nice thing too is that everyone is so proud of me that I'm doing everything and moving forward. Nicole even said that I had more nerve than she did because I was going through all the process to start sending out query letters. It's nice to have that support! It helps propel me forward. I guess tomorrow if my money comes in I'm going to get stamps and envelopes and starts getting ready to send out the query letters. Maybe I'll get lucky with the first round this month! :-) I can hope!

Anyway, I didn't sleep last night. My nose was so clogged so I didn't fall asleep until about 7:00am. It sucked. I got woken up around 2:30-3:00pm. My mom was aggravated with me. Apparently the doctor called her and told her she has pneumonia. I didn't know that. Then Jordan came and told me he was going to go to the air show with Tim and Taylor. I got asked to make my mom's bed with Jordan so I did that. I also got Jordan to get me water.

After my mom wigged out on me, I told her about my not sleeping and how I needed more medication. She ended up giving me her credit card and gave me a list of stuff to get. I went to Walmart at Grossmont to find out that they have fresh fruits and veggies now!! I was shocked! But my mom had wanted bananas and strawberries and then took them off the list because I was going to Walmart. But I was able to get them! And avacados and tomatoes! It was very awesome! So that's just something else I can get at Wally world! Yay!

The bad thing about Walmart, I got nauseous when I was in line. I don't know what happened, but I almost threw up. I literally grabbed a bag off the bagging thing and had a dry heave. Nothing came out and it passed after that. But OMG! How horrible would it have been to have thrown up at the register. But I made it home okay. When I got home my mom had dinner ready. I got a French bread pizza and a really good tamale. Then I did dishes and then came back to my room. That's when I talked to Nicole and edited the final draft of my synopsis.

I am tired, but I have to say I'm having a great evening! I got to watch "Jeff Dunham Controlled Chaos" and it was awesome! Now I'm watching "Weird Al Apocolypse Tour Concert!" So far it's great! It really brings back memories. Weird Al has been in my life since I was 12 or 13 years old. :-D Love him! He's hysterical. So basically I have and am watching funny stuff tonight!

Anyway, I took some of my medicine. I can't find the cough drops so I'll have to look for them. I'm a little hungry so I might grab some food, but I know I will for sure take my meds and try to go to sleep. I just hope my nose stays relatively clear tonight.

A Pretty Good Day :-)

Today has been a pretty good day. I feel a little bit better than yesterday and any progress that way is a good thing! I was trying to finish my synopsis for "Assassin's Seduction" but I just feel like I can't condense any further. I emailed it to Susan for a fresh pair of eyes and she liked it. She said it made her want to read the book! So I sent her that to read too. :-) I want to give Nicole a chance to go over it as well. If the concensus is the same, then I'll just assume it's as good as it's going to get and declare it's done! LOL! God, it's almost October 1st! It's just half an hour away or maybe a little longer, but the point is another month is here already. It seems like it was the beginning of September a turn of my head ago. Crazy!

Oh, I am so proud of Cassie!! She's getting A's and B's in her classes so far! Well, she might have a C in PE, but either way, she's getting good grades! She's passing so far! And what's awesome is she wants to keep it up. Of course, she also wants to get her lip pierced. If she keeps the grades up we'll let it happen! :-) I figure if she wants them she can have them. She is definitely her own person and likes what she likes! I love her so much.

I played around on Cafemom for awhile. I added two new forums to "The Writer's Workshop" though I'm not done posting stuff. I added a forum for games. I have one started that's all about book titles. Then I'm going to start a story and the next person will add another part and so on and so forth. I just have to start the story! I haven't done that yet. Then I'm going to set up a Monthly Poetry Contest and a Monthly Writing Contest. Then maybe have a section for writing for children. I am not completely sure of that one. But I'm happy about that group. It's moving forward. Got great ideas and we have another new member! I'm at like 11 or 12 members now! Awesome!

Nicole and I played phone tag today. By the time I got home and got settled it was too late to call her. It kind of sucks. I really would like her to read over my synopsis. If she concures with Susan then things are awesome! If not, she'll have good ideas! Either way I win! Plus, I just want to talk to her and hear this great news she has! :-) I'll just have to make sure I call her tomorrow when I wake up. Can't wait!

Then tonight I got a call from Sherry about the clothes. She invited me over to her place while her husband (Or whatever) was out. I guess he was going to a concert or something and she doesn't like big crowds. I can identify with that. Personally I wasn't really sure about driving out there. She likes way out on G street. But I decided that if she was willing to have me over and give me a little extra then I should go. I did get lost along the way, but once I got on Market I was good!

Anyway, I have a TON of clothes now! LOL! Pants, shorts, tops . . . It's awesome! She has more too. I think I'm going to try to put aside $10 every month to get a few more items until I get everything! LOL! After all, I'm going to be wearing them at least for a year. I even have a DRESS!! It'll probably look like a tent on me, but you know, it's still cool! And it was nice to talk to her. She likes to do crystal sometimes though. She had some - not that I saw it - but offered me some! AH!! You have no idea how hard it was to say no. I really wanted to say yes, but then I thought about doctor appointments, maybe drug tests . . . My logical mind kicked in. She might come over tomorrow, not that there's a lot to do here. My room is a disaster. Well, we'll see what happens. But it's great to have new clothes to play with. :-)

Hopefully I'll sleep tonight. I haven't set a writing goal for tomorrow, but tomorrow will be all about the synopsis. Once I know for sure that it's done then I'll start making other goals. Like writing a page or two on my story "Crossfire." But first the last bit of the synopsis. And soon it'll be time for sending out the query letters. Nervous but excited. I also looked into a publisher that I might email. Actually more than one. I'm kind of on the fence about sending to both agents and publishing houses, but then again . . . the wider the net cast . . . the better the chances, I guess. Just want to go forward!

Anyway, I'm going to try to relax and get some sleep. I feel tired, but whether or not I sleep is another matter. I'll try though. So I'm going to take my meds and kick back. I watched the season Finale of "Haven" which was incredible. Dead people were walking around, getting people to get revenge for them. This one guy forces Duke to kill him and take his cure for his baby. His trouble is killing a troubled person and erasing the trouble from their family altogether. It's interesting. Then Audrey and Nathan are in love with each other. But before dinner can come about Aundrey gets kidnapped. Nathan arrives and sees Duke's necklace. He goes to Duke pissed off. He demands to know where she is. He has no clue. Nathan pulls a gun and we see the tattoo of the man that is supposed to kill Duke! Then we hear a gun shot and have to wait until next season to know what happens! 

Personally, I think that Duke doesn't need to kill people to take away their trouble. I think he just needs some of their blood on him to do it. I could be wrong, but from what I see it seems to be that way. Guess I'll eventually find out if I'm right.

Well, I am done rambling. Time to go to sleep!

    

Feeling About the Same

Well, I'm still sick, but not completely sick. I'm about as good as I was last night. I'm just tired and get sore a lot easier. My poor mom is REALLY sick. I had to take her to the doctor. Since she figured she was going to be awhile she gave me a little money. So I went to McDonald's at Walmart. I got a good place to park. It wasn't even a handicapped spot. All I got was a McDouble and an Extra Large Diet Dr. Pepper. Plus, as I waited I decided to try to whittle down my synopsis. I got through almost the whole thing when my mom called. I'm just relieved that as soon as I opened up the spiral my mind was going. I was really worried that being sick was going to throw me way off. But it hasn't!! :-) I am back on track!

Anyway, I got to see Cassie for a few minutes today. They kicked her out of Prime Time because she wasn't actually registered! LOL! That's my girl! But I filled out the paperwork for her to go. She just needs to go for the homework assistance. I'm hoping that the Vice Principal calls me tomorrow and works with me on this. She doesn't need to be there for the whole Prime Time thing so I'm hoping they won't give me trouble. She wants to stay after school because of a boy! :-) It's so cute. Her friend finally introduced them. Cassie's on cloud nine! It was good to see her even if it was only for a few minutes. I've missed her this week, but I'm certainly glad to keep her away from the sickness.

My mom is really, really sick though and that bothers me. The doctor had called in a prescription for her and I went to go get it. She gave me her credit card and told me to get her some sherbet. Actually, she wanted ice cream. The worst thing you can have with a nasty, congestive cold. I talked her into sherbet instead. I also asked if I could get some bread. But what ticked me off was my mom called the pharmacy. They made it sound like the medicine was ready for pick up. It WASN'T!! I was so aggravated. My back was hurting. There was no place to sit, not that their chairs are fitting for someone my size. Eventually I did try sitting down, but I was starting to really feel crappy again. As soon as they had it ready, I was GONE! I came home, gave my mom her meds, served sherbet for both of us and then HAD to sit down. My back is killing me.

After my mom went to bed, I helped Jim - the contractor putting the new roof on who is staying with us for now. He was having a hard time with his gmail. I got a little bit of it sorted out for him, but his laptop is a pain in the ass. I told him if he needed more help that I would help him. :-) He seems nice enough.

Going back to my room, I finished posting stuff on my Cafemom groups, especially "The Writer's Workshop" and "I'm not fat! I'm fluffy!" and I finished my second draft of my synopsis for "Assassin's Seduction." I also typed it up and tried getting it into the right format. But I don't know how good it is. I don't know if it shows my passion or not. Plus I'm not sure I used the right tense all the way through. Think I'll see if someone can look it over for me tomorrow. I'd like to say I have it done because I don't think I can pull anything else out of this synopsis. I just can't do it. Ugh!! I wish I could have gotten it down to one page, but I don't know. Maybe I'll try to find a few online to look over. We'll see.

Anyway, I have been half-watching "Chopped." I actually saw the finale to "Chopped Champions!" and this one girl I thought had been eliminated, turned out I had her confused with another girl. LOL! Anyway, it was nice to see the end of it since I had watched the other episodes. Now "Sweet Genius" is on and I have never seen it before so it should be interesting.

I don't know if I'll sleep anytime soon, but I am tired. I think I might take one more turn about my Cafemom groups, but then take my meds and try to go to sleep. I won't see  Cassie until Monday afternoon . . . But at least I should be completely well by then!

Guess that's it!

Better But Not 100% Yet

I can't believe it! I'm starting to feel better! Yesterday I felt so horrible I was sure today was going to be just as bad or worse. But instead, I started feeling better in the early afternoon. In fact, I haven't really napped that much today. I have felt more energetic, but not a lot. Not like I ever am, but it's better than yesterday, but not as good as my normal either. I'm just happy that I'm feeling better. When I feel so bad it just seems like it's going to go on forever. Now maybe tomorrow I can work on my synopsis again and get back on track. I want to be back on track. It's important for me to get my ducks in a row and to set aside time to write or work on my writing endevors. I still want to have a finished synopsis of "Assassin's Seduction" by the 4th of October at the latest.

I can't believe how fast time is going by. In a handful of days we'll be in October! Soon it'll be Halloween, the kids birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas! It's all going to come fast and furious very soon.

I guess what I worry the most about when it comes to being on my schedule is just sitting back again and letting things go. I can't say I have my complete inspiration for writing back, but right now I'm still sick. I just want to be able to go forward. Writing is my field. It's what I was always meant to do. I just worry about being unproductive again. I don't want to be in that place. I want to keep going and moving forward and not going backward. I have been afraid that I'll go back to being stagnant and I just don't want that to happen again. I think I'm just going to try to do something pertaining to my writing everyday - that I'm not sick!! I do hope tomorrow I feel even better. That would make me feel really better!

Anyway, I basically have chilled out watching "River Monsters" today and "Hillbilly Hand Fishing." In about twenty minutes I'm going to be watching "Ghost Hunters" and after that hopefully I'll go back to sleep. I still need some rest. At least I'm getting better and not getting worse. Now I'm going to take my meds and chill out watching TV.

Oh and thank god Cassie could be somewhere else while I'm sick. It's so much better for her and keep her healthier!

I'm Sick!!

I had so hoped I wasn't going to get sick. I really hoped I had missed getting what my mom and my daughter got, but did I? Nope . . . I had a headache last night and I just thought it had to do with all the typing and reading I'd been doing this last week or so with the editing, formatting, query letter and now synopsis. But then today, I wake up with a scratchy throat. It got worse and worse. By the time it was 3:00pm I was ready to ask my mom for money to get some nyquil equivalent. She did and also had me get milk. Also, I got a soda with the last of my change. Then I was hungry because all I'd had was coffee which had been about 11:00am. That was the earliest I've woken up lately. I think that's because of being sick.

Anyway, my mom was nice enough to heat up some rice we had in the fridge and then made cheese burgers. It was definitely good. I'd also taken my nyquil. It's made me a little tired, but then I perked up a bit. I did a lot of resting though. Watched most of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," an episode of "Criminal Minds" and then a few episodes of "River Monsters." But I finally typed up my second draft of my synopsis. It's 6 pages long! I have to trim it down to a page. I'm going to just have to write the best I can. See what's the MOST important and chuck everything else. I want to have it done already. Oh and I spent a little time looking at Literary Agents for when I'm ready to send out my queries and I had a panic attack. When I went to look up how to write a proposal for a literary agent I had another massive panic attack. I'm leaving that alone for now, but I do plan to send out the queries around October 4th. I want the synopsis done before then. That's the goal anyway.

Well, I can't take any more medication until 10:00pm. I am also starting to get tired again and starting to cough. It sucks. But I'm going to watch "Tanked" in about 15 minutes and then I'm going to watch "IRT Deadliest Roads" and then hopefully I'll go to sleep. I definitely need the rest.

A Short Little Entry

I think this might be a short entry. Nothing much happened today.

My mom woke me up at about 12:30pm to eat. She made dinner for lunch (Or my breakfast). Jordan wouldn't wake up so that irritated the shit out of my mom. It was good though - chicken, rice, veggies and roasted or fried potatoes. It was yummy!

After that, I got the computer from Jordan and I have been playing online and working on my second draft of the Synopsis. However, I think there will probably be a third draft or final draft. Finale draft, I hope! I also have posted on Yahoo (so it goes to Facebook & Twitter) about how my head is hurting. I really think I might be pushing myself too hard, but I don't want to stop. I'm taking a break for the rest of the night though. I'll get back to the last half of the second draft tomorrow.

Anyway, I also got on Blogger with my Krystina Grant account. I figured it was about time I started on my writer's journey once again and wrote the first post I'd written in a very long time. I'm going to try to write a little something every morning or afternoon. The nighttime is for this one since it's basically my journal.

I'm a little hungry again since it's about 7:18pm, but I'm not so hungry that I'm going out into the other room to eat. I think I'm going to take my meds and lay down for awhile. I'm just happy that I am moving forward. I hate being tired . . . and I have a craving for chocolate milk. That sucks. Actually what I want to do is sleep. I am just so tired as always.

Well, I think I'm going to take my meds and chill out with the light off to "IRT Deadliest Roads." It's last season in Nepal and India. The new one starts tomorrow night at 10:00pm. I want to watch it. The big thing will be if I remember or not. Anyway, I'm outta here.

Headache be gone!



First Draft of the Synopsis DONE!

I did it!! I finished the first draft of my synopsis! It was difficult. I had to stop a lot of times, but I did it! I think some of it is actually kinda good, but I think a lot of it needs to be worked on, so tomorrow I'm going to work on the next draft. Maybe try typing it this time and see what comes out. At least I went through the book and took the best parts of it, I think.

Anyway, I got up this morning and I didn't want to get up. It does seem like I spend most of the day exhausted. It sucks. Cassie was awake again and almost ready for school. I got my coffee and she drank about a third of it. LOL! Then I took her to school. When I got home though, I went back to sleep after making her bed. Apparently I did a crap job of it because my mother complained. I was very tired. She wants me to remake it, but I don't think I will.

When I was sleeping I had some of the weirdest dreams. I had a dream that my mom was sleeping in the bed with me and that Karissa wanted out so I pushed open the window screen down making it fall. Then I woke up in the dream! I can't remember a lot of whatelse happened, but I remember yelling at some girl. Then some woman confronts me about people not wanting to deal with me or something and I said something about the store working like a regular store. Then I was at a store that seemed to have stuff - I think books, video games and what not. Then I was at this funky machine trying to get it to work when my mom actually woke me up. It was weird because it took me a moment to realize that I hadn't been awake. That I'd just got woken up! Weird, huh?

Anyway, my mom wanted to go to the 99 cent store so I took her. I went in long enough to get water. Then out in the car I worked on the synopsis. Almost as soon as we got home, I had to leave again to go get Cassie from school. I worked on the synopsis again as I waited. Then as soon as I got home with her Susan was there to pick her up. :-) Susan, Jason and Cassie all got their hair cut. Cassie got all kinds of layers. It looks great! Now she wants it colored! Fuscha and green streaks. :-) 

My mom gave me money to get burgers tonight for dinner. She was in a crappy mood today though. But I guess she's just getting disgusted with Jordan and I. Whatelse is new, right? My room is a disaster. Jordan is a mess and sleeps all the time too . . . he gives her attitude. I went to McDonald's and got the burgers. I got myself a drink too. I paid for that though. When I came back, Jordan still didn't want to wake up so my mom and I just ate. Then I went back to my room and kept working on the synopsis, stopping here and there for breaks. I went online to Cafemom and Yahoo. But really just briefly here and there.

Anyway, now I am thoroughly exhausted. I've been watching "Criminal Minds" on and off as I worked as well. Now I'm going to finish watching this one, then I'm watching "Haven" and hopefully going to sleep, but I never seem to be able to. But we'll keep trying.

I Started My Synopsis and Made a Doctor's Appointment

I am exhausted. Again. I really hate this, but it is what it is. As long as Cassie is in school I'll be getting up early. I was so tired this morning though, that as soon as I had Cassie at school, I finished drinking my coffee and I still couldn't keep my eyes open. I ended up sleeping for another couple of hours. I got up in time to take my mother to the post office and bank - and Albertson's and for me, McDonald's for a drink. When we got home, I finally started my synopsis and I tell you, this is going to be a very long process I think. I'm going to try to get it done by October 1st, but I don't know if I can. I'm giving it my best effort though, because I'm going to start sending out query letters on the 3rd or 4th. I also made an appointment to see my doctor - Dr. Jason isn't there anymore. But I'll see one of the doctors. I'm going to try to get a referral to see someone for a gastric bypass. I think I'm finally ready to go forward with it. Like with my writing. I need to move forward.

Anyway, I waited to pick up Cass from school only to get a text from her saying that she was staying after school for an hour. So I went to McDonald's - since I had enough money - and got another soda and a McChicken sandwich. I hadn't eaten anything. Then I just parked, called my mom to let her know and then worked on my synopsis. I'm not past the 4th chapter, but at least I'm making progress to get the main points in first. Then I'll whittle it down.

While I was waiting Jason was also texting me. He wanted to come over and spend some time with me. I wasn't really feeling up for company, but he talked me into it. So when they came to get Cassie, he stayed with me. We hung out for awhile - he helped me make my mother's bed because it's a two-person job - and then I took him home. I wan invited over for dinner which worked out great. Susan made spaghetti and  it was delicious. Then we had Cassie take a shower, but before that Jason dared Cassie to eat a spoonful of peanut butter with kechup. She did it for $5! ICK!! You couldn't pay me enough! LOL! But she did it so she'll get $5 on Tuesday!

After she took her shower, she got clothes together, we said good-bye and then left. It was great to go over and have no tention. I wasn't worried about Jason flipping out. In fact, he was tired, but there was no attitude! And I think that's because all this stress has been taken out of the equation. I like the schedule, Jason likes the schedule, Cassie can't dislike it too much because she had been doing so good! She has been happy in the mornings and happy at night. She jokes around and she confided in me tonight that she hasn't cut in like a month - me too! And her friend Nikki hasn't cut in two weeks which is a big deal. I think we're all just doing so good!

Anyway, I am exhausted. I thought maybe I would have trouble getting tired tonight because of the extra sleep this morning, but nope, I am still just as exhausted as ever. We'll see if sleep though. That's the big question. I was so tired last night and the night before and I still didn't fall asleep until late. I think Tuesday night was something like 4am-5am and then last night it was at least 1am or 2am. I just want to be able to sleep when I'm tired like this. I hope I do. I'll try to think positively.

Well, tomorrow it's going to be more on the synopsis and who knows whatelse. But for now, I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep.

Damn Tired But Strangely Optimistic!

Damn I'm tired. I've been tired all day. I tried to take a nap, but I really didn't. I didn't work on my synopsis, but I'm determined to work on it tomorrow. I guess I just had to let the idea kick around in my head for a bit and also to hear from other people. I might do the synopsis for my other books as well. Well . . . maybe not. I should be on a finale edit before I do one. That way I have the story correct. But I think I know what I need to do. One of the things I'm going to do is go through my chapters and write the important parts down. Then I'm going to try to write it in a good emotionally capturing way in present tense. THAT will suck, but I'm not as afraid as I was before. Now I'm at the place where I think I can and that's where I need to be. So tomorrow will be the say and I'll spend what time I have to.

Anyway, I really didn't do much. I got Cassie up for school. She didn't seem happy, but it's the morning and we're not morning people. I asked if she wanted something to eat, but she was all ready to get to school and meet up with her friends. When I got home, I had my coffee then Jordan gave me the computer. I puttered around for a bit, but I really didn't do much since I wasn't going to write the synopsis today. I had thought about it, but I was so tired. So then I tried to take a nap. Got interupted three times so it wasn't good. Then it was time for me to pick up Cassie. That's when I decided to fill out the school packet. It took me awhile to get it done, but I did it! And just in time for Cassie to get there. She was having issues of her own though as she was late because she was trying to get something back from Nikki! LOL! On the way home, we went to McDonald's and got soda. Not that I should have, but what can I say? I like to get soda. It's like a little treat!

When we finally got back home I helped her with her math. Then I helped her with her English by encouraging her to get her work done - an Events paper. She's going to write a story and she had to write down the events in the story. Kind of like an outline, I guess. She needs a first draft of the story by Friday. But she's all geared up to get it done, which I think is awesome! Now I just need to keep encouraging her. She's going to do awesome this year!! I just know it!

My mom made a great dinner tonight - pork roast. I think Cassie is pretty much scared of pork now because she learned about worms in them. I tried to tell her that's why you cook pork through. She still thinks its gross. LOL! Personally, if they're dead and I can't see them, who cares! But the roast was really good and she had a loose gravy with veggies - celery, carrots, potatoes and I think there was an onion in there too. Love it! Jordan slept all day. Then when he got up he wasn't hungry, but I still wanted him to do the dishes so I told him I'd get the stuff put up, then he could do dishes and I would water the front yard for him. That worked out well, though I got myself kinda wet! LOL! But after that we watched an episode of "Criminal Minds." It was one I'd seen before, but I think Jordan watched all of it too. Then I wanted to get soda at McDonald's again this time with Jordan and to finally put what's left of my money in the take. :-P It wasn't much, but at least it was something.

Well, I have to say for as tired as I am and kinda on the depressed side, I'm actually excited because of the progress I've been making with getting ready for publishers and agents. I just hope this time I'm doing a good job. I don't feel helpless with it now and that's awesome! But I still feel that darkness inside me. Maybe that's just who I am. Maybe that darkness is going to be with me forever. But at least I can go forward and maybe make a name for myself.

Now I'm going to finish watching "Dirty Jobs" and maybe some "Billy the Exterminator" though I don't think it's going to be new tonight. :-( But I could be wrong! That would be awesome! And I HOPE I sleep well tonight. I suppose I shouldn't be drinking a huge soda, huh? LOL!

Feeling Off

I have felt tired and off all day long. Well since I woke up. I'm going to do my best to go to sleep early because I just want to sleep. Last night it took me hours to fall asleep. Plus, I think I'm fighting off a head cold. Cassie has been fighting a cold and so is my mom and I have been using more nose spray than usual which usually means I'm fighting off a head cold. I'm not coughing though. I can't keep my nose clear though. It interferes with my ability to sleep.

Anyway, it's not like I've done much today. I really haven't. My goal really was to write a synopsis, but I just couldn't. Doing the research for one, I literally got a panic attack. Not sure what that's about, but I might give myself another day or two before working on it. Maybe I'll hand write a little of it. I can try anyway. Ugh! It seems like such a project, but I don't want to not have it in case I'm asked for one.

Maybe I just need a little bit of a break from working on the writing project. Just a day or two. Then I have to throw myself back into it. But I have to get this anxiety under control. Plus, the depression I know I'm fighting. I have been excited and stuff, but depression is right under it. And I'm really depressed tonight because I had to fight with Cassie about her coming home. I eventually had to call Susan to reinforce that she had to come home. They worry I am blaming them for how Cassie's acting and what's funny is I feel like they're blaming me. I guess there's enough to go all around. I hate it though. I feel like she would be happy to not have me in her life at all. I know that's probably the depression, but it seems true. She would be perfectly happy being over at Jason and Susan's and never see me again.

Anyway, I was able to watch MOST of the "Eureka" finale. It was a cliffhanger, of course. Ugh! It'll come back for a Christmas Episode, but then it won't be back until next summer! :-( Ah well. I have no other shows on tonight, but I think I might just wrap this up early, take my ativan - that Jordan picked up for me tonight. I kinda bribed him with a soda and an ice cream cone from McDonald's. Not like he wouldn't do it if I asked, but it's always nice to have a perk. But that $20 for my tank is down to $10 now.

Well, I feel like crying. Maybe I am PMSing a little still. Maybe I'll try Cassie's pamprin and see what happens even though I'm over my period, I think. Or not.

Time to take meds and veg. I think that's all I'm capable of right now.