Happy 4th of July Everyone!!!

The day started like shit. My mother was a total bitch to me. She berated me, put me down. She did all she could to tear me down! Reduced me to tears and she fucking abused me over that too. And her excuse as always - then do what I want and I won't abuse you. Then she had the nerve to say to me that Diana was walking in the heat to the store because she felt I didn't like her and didn't want to ask me for the ride. Well fine with me!! The less time I spend with that bitch the better. But OMG! She thinks I don't like her?? I wonder why?? It couldn't have anything to do with the fact she treats my friends like shit and talks shit to my face about my kids. Whatever. She needs to go back to Florida and stay there. And she told me she wasn't going to be nice anymore. So if she's not going to be nice anymore, I don't have to be either. Not that I would tell her no if she wanted a ride. I'm a bigger person than that bitch. Probably scared my mom to death when I drove her to the post office and pharmacy. But whatever. With the way she treated me, she deserved it. I was so upset, I almost wanted to stay home and cut on my arms and wrists. But you know, I wanted to spend the 4th with people who actually love and care about me and who would never abuse me like that. 

So anyway, I got on the computer for a little bit before we left. I made sure I got my swim suit on and that I have my 4th of July shirt on. Well, more like patriotic shirt, but it works. Then I picked Jason up from work. From there we went up to the pool over near Susan's mom's. I actually parallel parked. It went okay. I'm not great at it though. Swimming was awesome and so much fun. I have all kinds of pix though they aren't as good as last year. It's still good. And I loved swimming with the kids. We found a pool toredo or something and it goes through the water like a bullet. We all played with it and with a pink noodle. I just had so much fun in general and I really needed that. 

After that, we changed and went and got our parking spots for the Fireworks! From there, I got a shopping cart and used that to walk to  Hometown. That was good. I hadn't been there in forever. It's changed, but it was still pretty good. The New Orlean's Burbon chicken was awesome! I went back for more. The sad thing is I just didn't have enough room to try everything I wanted. LOL! Ah well. I was so full after that. LOL! But we went back to the cars and hunkered down for the two hour wait. I was distracted for awhile but ultimately I started reading. Then  my light went out! Ugh! But that's okay. The Fireworks were fantastic!! The booms kept setting off  car alarms which I thought was hysterical. Some people were annoyed by it. But it was funny! Well, to me anyway. I also got better pix this year. Unfortunately, I have trees in my way, but I think I got some nice shots. Maybe I can crop them or something. Either way, they're good. 

Jordan and I finally got home. Grandma is sleeping on the couch, because I was going to have Jordan tell her we were home. Diana is nowhere to be seen - which means she's probably upstairs - where she needs to stay.  So for the most part the day was good. Just the first hour or so sucked. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow though. There will probably be more shit instore either from Diana or my mom or both. They are making me miserable and it makes them happy, I think. At least it gives Diana the jollies and she gets jollies getting my mother to go against me too. Ugh! Bitch! 

Anyway, focus on the good today. Focus on the good! It was really great to spend another 4th of July with Jason and Susan. It's awesome. I hope we do this every year! I have an early morning too. Ick. Ah well. Got to get this done. Gotta take Cassie to her AB2726 intake appointment. I just hope I can get down there and back.

                             

Dinner and a Movie

Well, I'm writing this kind of late, but at least it will be written. As it is, I'm pretty tired. Not that its been a long day, but I have just been dragging lately. Of course, the stress couldn't have anything to do with it. No! Not at all! :-P

I don't remember how late I slept. I know it was probably on the lines of 1:00pm-2:00pm. I didn't want to have any interaction with Diana at all today and I did a pretty good job of avoiding her. My mom, however, is another story. She's starting to turn into a bitch because Diana is in her fucking ear telling her what shits we are and everything else. I really just want to start cutting on myself. Even now thinking about it I want to cut. I hate Diana. I hate her with a passion and I just wish she'd go back to Florida with Dave and never come back again. I thought maybe things would be okay, but no. Diana has to be her own ugly self. She just can't help herself. It's just how she is and she HATES me and my kids. She'll say she doesn't, but she does. Otherwise she could be a decent person and not condescending all the time.

Anyway, once I was up, I got online and onto Cafemom. It was neat. I had a new member! I guess the 40 invites I sent out generated some interest! Which was really cool! I went to go get something to eat and that's when my mom fucking ambushed me. Ugh! So I just went back to my room. What's funny is I slammed my door a bit to see if Diana would come running and though I'm not positive, I think she did! Whatever. Bitch. 

After that, Jason told us to get sodas and go over. We never drank the soda either. But we had dinner there. Susan made Chili Mac and it was neat to have Jordan there too. It's been awhile since he came over with me. It's more food but it's good to have him. I also got lots of hugs from Cassie. I talked a little bit with Jason about the wanting to cut, but I don't think he gets it. It's not what he deals with so he doesn't understand it well. Duana also came over for dinner. She got the lapband procedure done and she's lost like 40lb. I asked a few questions and we talked about it. I think it's cool that she can eat just a little bit and get full. Made me curious about checking into the surgery again. But I can't under this stressful environment. All I want to do is eat cakey sweets. That's what I crave during these times.

After dinner and Duana left. I stuck around a little more. We watched some stuff together and then we got kicked out. LOL! Nicely kicked out. Jason has work tomorrow. It might be the 4th of July, but he's working and getting double-time. Nice! On the way home Jordan and I both wanted dessert so we got sundaes from McDonald's. I got hot fudge and Jordan got Caramel. We seemed to have switched flavors tonight. We usually get the opposite. But I also had to go to the store to get milk and I still wanted more so we found bags of Donettes. Jordan got chocolate and I got powdered sugar. They were 2 for $5. I also got some water. I love to get good, cold water. 

Once we finally got home Jordan and I went into my room and we put on "Red Riding Hood" and it was such a good movie!!! It kept you wondering until the very end who the wolf was! And it was someone that made sense, but not someone you would have thought of! It was cool!! I am glad I got it!

Then I went back on Cafemom again for a bit and turned out I have another member to my "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group! It's so awesome! And this woman actually took a poll and left a comment!! Yay!! She has 9 kids though. That's insane! LOL!

And tomorrow is Independence Day! I'm supposed to pick Jason up from work and then we're going to meet Susan, Cassie and Katie Kelly at the pool. My mother is going to kill me, but I'm going to Hometown tomorrow night for dinner and then we're going to watch fireworks! Should be fun, but I feel sick to my stomach. I know it's just nerves because of the stress and I don't like driving where I don't know where I'm going. Not that I won't do it. It's just something else for me to stress about. But if I can relax I think I'll be okay.

So now, I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep. But I almost wish I wouldn't wake up to have to face another day.   

Am I a Sea Urchin?

Well, today has been different. But I guess not in a bad way. I just hope it doesn't turn into something bad.

I managed to wake up early this morning and I went to class. It was great. First class was mostly Kim venting about stuff, but it was important to get it out. We also covered symtoms before crisis and what's a crisis. I was amazed and how much her and I and Lynne had in common with our symptoms! It was actually kind of nice to know it wasn't just me. Kim said it was good to hear too for the same reason. Guess we have a tendency to think we're the only ones, or it doesn't register that other people experience. I suppose the way to say that is we know it, but we don't KNOW it until we hear it from someone else.

The next class was group process. I forget the guy's name that shared first. Kim didn't because she did last class. Then it was me and I really just let it out about all the anxiety I feel with Diana here. I got to express how I felt like I was a sea urchin with all the prickly spines. I am so stressed about her being here and with her not feeling well and doing all she does, I just don't know if and when she'll go off. She hasn't yet and that's a very good thing. But if she goes off she might end up taking me up and over the edge and I could end up in the hospital. Not that that would be a horrible thing, but that isn't something I want. I just wish I wasn't so on edge. I really have tried being nice and telling her when I appreciate stuff. I don't know if it matters to her. But really, even if she doesn't, that's fine as long as she doesn't go off on me.

After class, I came home. I got on Cafemom for awhile, but eventually I laid down and I crashed out. I had a weird dream I can only remember bits and pieces of. I can't put a lot of it together. It's like I get a hint of what I was dreaming and then is just fizzles away. But the weird thing with this dream, but that I was known. I can't remember for what. And I was taking my shirt off to give it to someone in a crowd like it was a prize or something. LOL! And I didn't think anything about being topless. Go figure. In fact, I felt like I still had something on, but I didn't - on the top that is. 

Eventually my mom woke me up so that I could take her to go get her medication then she wanted to go to Vons to pick up a couple of things. It's nice that it's in the same parking lot as the pharmacy. My mom also gave me enough money to get some cold water. Thank goodness. I also got to read a little more of "State of Fear." I'm getting close to the end. I think I surprised my mom on the way home. She was bringing up the Casey Anthony trial and I think I surprised her with how much I knew about it. I was saying did you hear this? Did you hear that? And she hadn't. But I watch it all day long for the most part.

When we got back Diana had chicken done - BBQ chicken from the oven. Yum! I ended up getting three pieces! I also turned on the Trail Coverage. As soon as I was done, I went to my room. Jason called and we talked a bit about how I was feeling. He says I've been different today and well, between being tired and Diana, I guess that's enough to throw me off. I worry so much. I guess I shouldn't but I do. 

I did play more on Cafemom and almost forgot "Burn Notice" was on because I was doing that AND I was watching some of the trail coverage I'd missed. But I eventually remembered and it was a GOOD episode. I eventually got to watch the first half. Then I watched about half of "Suits" before I got a phone call. First I was kind of surprised because it was my brother Tim's phone. Turned out to be Jordan which I thought it might be, but I wasn't sure why. Ended up that he'd had enough with Tim and wanted to come home. So I went out and got him. I didn't tell anyone because no one was around so he'll be a surprise in the morning. I'll tell you, I am really freaked out about him  being back, but on the other hand I don't feel so alone now. I don't hang out with Jordan all the time, but knowing he's there is enough sometimes. And secondary thing is that it's good to have his help around here again. I just hope he doesn't get into it with Diana at any point. I laid some ground rules down, but with Jordan that doesn't always mean anything. He has a tendency to do what he wants to do regardless. But I was serious with him that I might end up in the hospital and I really didn't want to do that. It would probably help my case for the SSI! So it wouldn't be a bad thing necessarily. LOL! But still, I would rather not. Of course, that's because I'm addicted to that damn nose spray. 

Anyway, I just hope things go smoothly. I told him what I wanted him to do and what I didn't want him to do. But none of it means anything really. It will play out how it plays out. But at least he'll be participating on  the 4th of July with us! :-D I am looking forward to that. 

Well, it's after 1:00am and I didn't mean to stay up this late so I'm going to head to bed. I was going to go to the gym tomorrow, but I don't know. I'll have to see how I feel in the morning. But I don't want to sleep all day. Plus I want Jordan not to sleep all day either. But we'll see. And that's it!