Depressed, Scattered But a Little Bit of Light

I gave up last night and I cut. I just couldn't help myself. I made six cuts. They look very red and angry and part of me knows I should be ashamed and part of me is. I know when the people that truly care about me see them they will be worried and disappointed. But I can't help the fact that it makes me feel better. I kind of want to cut more, but I think I can curb it for now . . . Or not. Just this whole thing going on with Cassie, welfare and my mom. I don't want Jason to hate me. I don't want my mother or me to get into trouble.

I'll tell you though, one thing is certain. Karma is a bitch. He did this and now his girlfriend is breaking up with him. Said they were moving too fast. I think maybe she saw how vindictive he was and thought twice about him. He does a good job of opening his mouth and inserting his foot. Whatever . . . I'm really not happy that happened to him. I don't like to see anyone in pain. I think that's why I haven't called the IRS on him, but he does deserve it for screwing me over yet again. I just wish things were different. I was so upset last night that I couldn't sleep. Not even after the cutting and more meds. I didn't sleep until around 6-7:00am. So I ended up sleeping all day. I didn't get up until 6:00pm, I guess where I finally got up and ate dinner. My mom made chicken and rice. I ate a ton of rice. I love rice with BBQ sauce.

What's nice is I've heard from Rick again. In fact, twice. I know I'm going to have to tell him about myself, but hopefully I can put it off for a bit. I want to go back to sleep too, but I don't think I'll be able to. Which means I'm in a BAD cycle. We'll try though. He definitely wants to see me. I hope I'm not too big for him and to be honest it will be nice to have a lover without more other than friendship. I am waiting to hear from my Aussie though, but I'll understand if I don't hear from him with worrying about his daughter. I hope they find out why she passed out. And I hope he lets me know. I might not know a lot about his family, but I care in my own way about them. They're his family and he loves them, you know? Our ability to love can expand.

Anyway, I feel very depressed and hopeless right now. I've tried to get my mind off of it, but there is no way to get around it. Cassie is going to be miserable. I'll feel worse than ever. I really hate life. Oh and Linda wasn't able to write up the will. Her computer couldn't open it. Not sure I'll be able to open it either. I have windows XP. We'll see, I guess. I just wish things were different. Wish I had SSI right now because then it would all be okay. I wouldn't need to keep Cassie home and she could have the life she wants. Guess I was just never much of a parent though I wanted to be. I do kinda wish I were dead. I really do. But not until that will. I have to have the will. Not that I think I'll go through with anything like taking my life, but it doesn't mean I don't wish for death. But I want to make sure that Cassie goes to Jason and Susan.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Nothing else to say. Tomorrow I guess I need to take my mom to go give blood for one of her tests. For me, I have nothing else except maybe getting dolled up to take some pix of me for my Aussie Ron and for Rick now that I'm a red-head. I should brush my teeth and take care of myself . . . So far I've watched "Iron Chef America." I love Chef Michael Symon and he went against someone who I can't remember the name and the secret ingredient was cucumbers. I never knew there were that many kinds!! There was like 6-7 types or more. After that, I watched "The Glades" that had C. Thomas Howell. It was a crazy episode dealing with snakes, religion, poison and the like. I'm going to try to stay awake to watch "In Plain Sight" because it looked like such a good episode and I really liked the last one - I was able to watch earlier.

Anyway, I just another email from Rick! :-) I have to say I do like him already. I mean just as a friend and potential lover. It's exciting. That's something to brighten my mood. Guess we'll see what happens. I'm closing this up before it starts making less sense than it has already.

Trying To Write It Out

I HATE John. Okay, maybe I don't completely hate him, but I am pissed. He called me tonight and though I didn't raise my voice to him at all, I basically told him what I thought of him. He can't be trusted. That he was opportunistic. Just wanted to be an asshole. Not that I  said that. But I told him it was his fault that Cassie was going to come back home to be with me. He would love for me to get off Welfare, but fuck him. I think next week I'll be ready to call the IRS on his ass. I didn't want to do it, but maybe I need to show him just how he's not the only one that can be an asshole.

Anyway, it's tweaked me out again. I am shaking again. I want to cut. I want to sleep. but I can't between the wanting to cut and the shaking. I don't know what I'm going to do . . . I'm going to try not to tweak out too hard emotionally, but I am really wanting that razor. I just know if I can keep myself from not doing it. In fact, I want to right now. I hate life right now. I hate it. I hate him for having done this to me, the asshole as he is.

Guess I have said all I can really say. Not sure that I have made a difference, but at least I tried to write it out.