Sometimes We Just Ask For It . . .

Well, what can I say about today? LOL! Well, I almost woke up for the day about 6:15am, but I was tired enough to go back to sleep and I slept! I slept until about 10:15am. I got to spend some time with Jason before taking him to the trolley for work. When I got back Cassi's therapist from her new school came to greet us and finish the intake and registration forms. School starts on September 3rd and they still don't have the school ready for students or teachers or therapists! LOL! It's time to get it together people!! But she was very nice and I think Cassi clicked with her, which is a GREAT thing!! I think her last therapist was definitely not her type and she wasn't good with time management. She actually stiffed her on time, which once or twice, I get, but every time?? That was kind of the last straw with me. I don't know. She seemed nice to me, but I think on some level it was kind of fake. Not that I know for sure. Maybe that's how she was. But I also know not every therapist is a good one - from personal experience. Though I have been pretty lucky with most of mine. 

After our meeting with her, I just kind of took care of the litter boxes, washed my Karissa's food bowl and fed her. She was all getting in  my face like "FEED ME, MOM! I'M STARVING!!" Not like she doesn't have a bowl of food to graze on when she's hungry! LOL! Then Susan got home and she was so nice to pick up a prescription for me on the way home so I didn't have to use my fuel too much. That was awesome of her! Then I had a session with my therapist over the phone. That was good and I talked a few things out. That just seems how I work. I talk them out with myself, with others . . . It's a good skill I think. So that's something I get a lot out of.

Susan said she was making dinner tonight, but we all kind of forgot about it until around 8:00pm. After that it was kind of like. "I'll cook tomorrow." "Okay, works for me." I went and grabbed a sandwich! No biggie and I shared it with my Karissa! She enjoyed it a lot! :-) Then I started a letter to one of my prisoners. He's a sweet guy. It helps that I can read his writing. It's unusual and not the easiest to read, but once you get the hang of it, it's not too bad! I'm getting pretty fluent in it, or I am better at deciphering words. I don't know. One of the two. I posted some stuff in my groups on Facebook. There's always something new on there to learn or whatever.

Then for kicks, I looked up a previous friend of mine (from the Junior High Side of Life) who I used to spend some time stocking for here and there. It was just to kind of keep up with what was going on with her and I admit that at once point it was definitely stalking, but it wasn't like I was ever going to hurt her or track her down in person or something. She tells people I'm stalking her like I'm out to get her! Go figure. Anyway, I was just curious tonight. I rarely even care anymore, but she got a book published and I was proud of her for that. So I checked her out a bit. I sent her a note of how I was proud of her for that and like expected I didn't get a response. No big deal. Then I got this wild hair up my butt for some reason and I decided to do a blog search for her. I found it! And you know, it was my own fault for reading it, but I did get a little upset. The stalking thing is just out of control in her mind. Like what am I going to do to her? Then she claims my friend Nicole and I tried to deliberately ruin her marriage because we had been unhappy in ours?? What sense does that make?? Yeah, we're going to ruin your marriage because ours sucked! That is just stupid. No one in their right mind would do that. Then she claims she didn't call her daughter a cunt when she did. She admitted it an said she had apologized to her daughter. Isn't that having done it? What I really feel is that she makes up the way she wants it in her head and she says it so much she finally believes it. It's sad, but if she hadn't been obsessing about writing and trying to get me to do editing - which at the time I had to do A LOT for her. I'm sure she's improved a bit in 5 years. But THAT is what she got pissed at me for. I stopped writing for her - which I didn't get past three chapters anyway because I just couldn't get into her story without using my own character and that's no way to write. I didn't have a feel for it. I couldn't do it. My life got to the point where I was constantly stressed about it because she wanted me to write it. I should have just gone with the original plan and just edited what she wrote instead of having to try to rewrite any of it. But either way, it's under the bridge now for me. But she still harbors all this anger, bitterness and vengeance for me and honestly, I don't get it. Even Nicole's story with her is not what she said. It was bizarre to say the least back then. I won't get into details, but either her husband and son lied to her a lot or something. No one did anything to ruin her marriage or deliberately hurt her. I'm sorry she got hurt and I have always been sorry about that. But let's not make a mistake about what she's REALLY angry about. I left her high and dry with the writing. The day I told her I wasn't going to write her story for her anymore she dropped me as a friend. I will admit one thing I did wrong. I emailed her kids and told them that regardless of everything I would be there for them. Anyway, I should have known better because I have kids and they stick up for me. But it was so emotionally stressful I had a lapse of judgment. That's what I have to say about that. But then she used her kids and her kids friends to hurt me, my daughter and I'm sure if they could have they would have hurt my son. But does that warrant hatred and bitterness for the rest of your life? Come on! Five years should be enough time to get over yourself! Am I wrong, people? But she really believes the spiel she gives now. That's sad. And you know what? She stalks me too. I wouldn't be surprised if she's reading this. 

Okay, that was my rant. I feel better now and I am done with her. God closed that door for a reason. It's just sad because I would have supported her on her journey. Well, so be it. It is what it is, right?

Okay, other than that, there's nothing else I can say except I am done for the day. I am going to take a bath, do some reading, take my meds and go to sleep! :-)

Lies, Swimming and Coffee Creamer . . .

Okay, I'm writing this a bit earlier than usual. I think it's fair to say that I'm tired and if I can manage, I want to sleep by 11:00pm. Originally, I had thought to blow off this morning because my back hurt so bad this morning. But after Jordan was gone and my mom woke me up, she HAD to WAKE me up with something I didn't know. She found out that Jordan hasn't been going to school!! He's basically been lying! He told her he'd go if she didn't tell me so I'm trying to play dumb when I'm pretty ticked off. And I just don't want to say anything to Jason and Susan. I've had enough grief all the way around.

Anyway, I was so upset that there was no way I was going to go back to sleep so I downed a 5-hour energy, got changed and headed off to the gym. I was almost late. I didn't think I'd find a spot, but as it turned out Tuesday is a quieter day. My guess is that Tuesdays and Thursdays are on the quiet side, verses Monday, Wednesday, Friday. After the hour of water aerobics and the 30 minutes of swimming laps - actually it was more like 25 minutes today, but whose really going to tell, right? LOL! Then I went into the spa for about 15 minutes and then I took a shower and went home.

When I got home, I ate a couple of yogurts and then got on the computer. I really didn't do much after that. Jordan came home from "school" if he's even gone at all then he came to talk to me. He's going to go look for a job because he wants to make money to move out into a studio with his friend George. I just think he's giving up a chance to get his GED. Maybe it won't end up mattering in the long run, but I worry that it will and frankly I don't know what he can do that will eventually have him helping support a family. If he's serious about Alicia he's got to get his act together. I think they may have a future, but I also know his temper and attitude and if that doesn't stay in check she won't stick around. Then again, she might if she's like her mom. Susan, after all, puts up with a lot from Jason. I don't know. I just want my kids happy and productive - unlike me. I mean, I'm relatively happy I think. As happy as I get on average.

Part of me is being selfish too. I don't want him to go. Not only does he do things around here that my mother and I will have to try to do between us once he's gone, but he's also my last baby at home. I think my nest will be empty and I won't do well . . . Somehow I'll get through it because somehow I always seem to manage. For whatever it's worth, apparantly God made me a survivor. Why, I'll never know. I just have to try to find a new identity or really throw myself into my writing and hobbies. Guess we'll see what happens when the time comes.

I did go out again after an easy dinner of Hot Dogs. My mother forgot to tell me to get eggs and I forgot to get my coffee creamers. So I headed to Vons this time. I got Irish Cream Creamer for this St. Patty's Day month. Yummy! I also got chocolate peppermint and Vanilla Caramel. I also got a little tiny fruit tart. I ate that in the car and it was sooooooo good! Then I went to CVS Pharmacy and picked up my medication. I figured I might as well get used to getting my medication myself instead of relying on Jordan to run in for me. I do have to say it was nice seeing the Pharmacist Stephanie. She's always been so nice to me and I got to see her new hair color. She changed it to blonde!

Anyway, I didn't do any writing today. I haven't done any reading today either though I would like to, but just too tired tonight. And I don't want to take the chance of it peaking my interest and keeping me awake. Trust me, it's happened before! So instead, I'm going to finish watching "Dirty Jobs" the show after it maybe and go to sleep with luck. That's what I'm hoping for.

I'm Better When I See Her

Today's actually been pretty good. I still didn't want to wake up. My mom let me sleep until 11am before getting me up. I finally took a shower and that got me going. Gort my coffee, too my mom to get her blood drawn. She asked me to go to Trader Joe's to get this special maple syrup she uses for her elixir she makes for her health. Guess it must work well. She's 93 and looks like a young 70's. After I picked her up she treated me to brunch at Denny's. Their pancakes are SOOOOOO GOOOD! Then it was a trip to the bank and Albertson's. By the time we got home Cassie had come and gone with Susan and Jason was there. We hung out for a few and then we went to his place.

It was so good to see Cassie! She didn't really stay long because she wanted to go see her boyfriend and I let her. I mean, why not let her see him. Because of him she looks forward to the next day. That means a lot to me and just having him in her life will get her grades up. I remember when I was first in love. He and I were never boyfriend/girlfriend but I was so in love with him. His name was Jayson. He was African American and Samoan. My parents had an issue with his color. I loved his voice, the legends of his people and how kind and sweet he was. Because of him I went to school. Just knowing I might see him and have a chance to talk with him was enough to get me to go. And in English my grade picked up from a "D" to a "B" in one quarter. So her having a boyfriend is a good thing as far as I'm concerned. And I got to see her when she came back for a few too.

Dinner was great. It's always nice to be with Jason and Susan. Watched TV, played on my laptop and just enjoyed being with them. It was nice. When when Cassie came back she gave me another hug and kiss, played on the computer and gave me another hug and kiss before I left. As she got back on the computer and I told her good-bye she waved and gave me a sad face. She said that she missed me . . . but she didn't want to come home. LOL! I don't blame her there. Knowing my mom I wouldn't want to be here either. But it made me feel good that she misses me. It reassures me that I'm loved very much. It's probably hit me stronger then anything else that's been said or done. Not that I want her to be unhappy, but it's nice to know she misses me too.

Other than that, my son drove me insane today. I go to wake him up for school this morning to find out he didn't have school and wouldn't have school for the next week or two. He missed the counselor and paperwork he needed to sign I guess. He says he can see the counselor in a week or two (which I don't remember. I need to ask him again.) and he can go back to school, but none of us were happy about this. I have to wonder if it's because he's missed so much school. I hope that's not the case, but I don't know. And he lies so who knows what's the truth anymore. But I'm hoping for the best otherwise he might have to go live somewhere else. I don't want to see that happen. I want him to do well and succeed. I hope he will finally put forth effort for his future. I can only try to guide him and so far I guess I haven't been so hot at that. I have beat myself up over that too. But there's only so much I can do. He's 19 years old now and I did what I could. I might have sucked with structure, but I did try. Anyway, I'm going to try not to let it get to me.

Guess that's about it. I just watched "Being Human" and now "Hawaii 5-0" is on, so I'm going to run and finish watching it. I am glad I do feel better today. Maybe part of the issue is that I just need to get out of the house more. I bet that would help.

Drama and Mind Games

How is it that I get drawn into the games. I guess I just care so much and part of me won't let the past be the past. That I still care about Denise. That I will always love her kids. When Kenny emailed me, I thought, "Wow! Maybe he needs help and wants to stay in touch." I have been writing him since last night.

He was telling me how his dad is on a respirator because he tried to kill himself over Nicole. That his grandparents had partial custody of them until their mother was released from the doctor's care. He said his mother needed my friendship and I said I'd be open to it except for a few hurdles. The typical that I wouldn't write on that book ever again and that I won't deal with negatism about Nicole, but the BIGGEST thing for me is that I don't know if I can trust her not to go running to John - my ex husband - with anything I might say or write to her.

Well, try to try convince me, he told me that she doesn't even have a MySpace anymore . . . I decided I'd test that theory. I went to HIS page. Guess who I found? Anyway, now I feel jerked around. That this is some kind of game. I've written him. Told him that I still love and care about him and his sister. That if they still want to come visit I'm open to it. They just need to call, but I can't deal with game playing. That I don't want to be lied to and that he needs to be straight up with me. I'm here for them, but I won't do the gameplaying.

I mean, if he'll lie about that, what's to say he's lying about his dad. I have asked him twice what happened to him and I've asked once what hospital is he in and I don't get an answer for either. He just gets vague. I don't know. I think after this last email, I probably won't hear from him again because I've called his bluff. This crap is Junior High and High School stuff. At least it's a kid doing it this time . . . I think. The other thought is that this is one of Denise's friends. I wanted it to be Kenny and that it was an honest email with no games attached so I'm really sad and disappointed. I'm more than willing to be friends. To be there for him. To even be there for Denise, but I will not be able to trust any of them if they continue to lie.

I bet what will happen now is that Kenny will set his MySpace to private too. But the thing is, if you have nothing to hide, then why set it to private? Anyway, it's more drama than I don't need. So I am guessing this was a bunch of bullshit and that it's over now. At least I'm not so invested that this is more than a slight bite of pain . . . like a flea bite that might itch for a bit. But I'm not in serious pain. It just makes me really sad . . . He and his sister will never know how much I really love them.