Day 55 - Ending on a Low

The 2nd was a good day. I got my money and started my shopping. The first thing I got was my book "Vanish" by Tess Gerritsen. I wanted that book bad. Then I went to Walmart and did some regular shopping - toilet paper, nose spray, cat litter . . . I also got Cassie her book "Crescendo" which is the sequel to "Hush Hush." Cassie LOVED that book. I also found a Harlequin about a sheik, which are the type I collect. I also found "Independence Day" in the $5 bin and grabbed it. Then I went to get Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2, but they didn't have it so I called Best Buy and they had it for under $15! Needless to say, I got it from there. After that I got Karissa's flea ointment. That was a pain in the ass. I guess they were repaving the turn I needed and I had to detour. It wasn't horrible, but it was irritating. Still, I was able to get her the flea ointment and that's what was important. She wasn't too happy when I put it on here though. LOL! But I managed. She just hated that stuff going on her neck. Then again, maybe I would have been too if someone was putting some liquid something or other down my neck.

Needless to say, I was pretty happy with what I was able to get done. I also have money left to get "Breaking Dawn Part 1" should I chose to buy it. I also finished reading "Beautiful Creatures" and started "Vanish." 

On the 3rd I had to cancel my plans with Mark because my mom had a doctor's appointment - eye doctor. I went to McDonald's and had oatmeal and a diet Dr. Pepper. I spent the rest of the time reading. My mom took over an hour, but I didn't mind except that the McDonald's was COLD inside! Go figure. Then after my mom called I picked her up and we went to Walmart. While I was there I picked up a Woman's World, some pills for restless legs, Russell Stovers Sugar Free Strawberry cream candies and another Harlequin called "A Secret Birthright." I waited for my mom at the McDonald's there and read a little bit of that book. Turned out Mark was there too. He texted me, but didn't come up. He assumed that my mother wouldn't really be happy with his appearance and he was right. After he upset me over a motel room she doesn't like him. But what was really weird for me was when I got home, I got all kinds of emotional and I was so tired. Jason had wanted to come over, but I told him what was going on and he said for me to rest. I did. I slept for a good 12 hours at least. And of course, I started. The crazy thing is, it's been less than three weeks, I think, and I'm not bleed heavy. It's like the last one I barely bled at all, though I had waited for it to get heavy. This time, I don't know. There's more blood, but it doesn't seem like it's going to be a heavy flow at any point. 

Then today was okay for the most part. I've been tired all day and I am exhausted now, but the day was going okay. I had a good lunch. Then I was going to have two shakes. I only ended up with one shake and then some cuties and two meat balls. I think that was en0ough. But anyway, I get a call from Jason and he said I had to come over right away. He then put Cassie on the phone and she was crying. She told me something was wrong with Grandma Linda. I found out that she was dehydrated, that her blood sugar was low and she was not doing well. By the time I got over there, she was on life support. Cassie was just crying and I held her. I think this is her time. I can't imagine her surviving this. What shocked me was that John wasn't there. He was still with his girlfriend in Reno. I would have been at the hospital. But I guess everyone has their own priorities. Then Cassie is so upset because she can't go out there to be with them during this time. I know this is going to be hard on Cassie. Like how Jordan was effected by Grandpa Robinson's death. Though I think Jordan was closer to my dad than Cassie is to Grandma Linda. Still, I know she is so upset. Jordan is concerned, but he's not devistated. He might have been more prepared for this happening. I just wish it wasn't happening. Linda is such a good person with a good heart. But I guess when your time is up, it's up. 

Anyway, we'll hear when something changes, I'm sure. Rena is going to come over tomorrow. Cassie is going to breakfast with Jason and Susan, but then she's coming back. Her and I are going to watch Puppy Bowl VIII together. I don't know how Karissa's going to feel about Rena being in here. We'll see what happens.

Well, I'm ready for bed. I am tired and ready to sleep. Hopefully I'll sleep some.

Day 39 - Tired and Aggravated

Today has been a bitch of a day. Not really bad to start with. I didn't wake up until noon and that was after Jason called me like three times in a row. Ugh! I couldn't go back to sleep after that - not that I should have slept later than that anyway, but still . . . Then Cassie called me around 1:00pm to pick her up from school because she wasn't feeling well. Then Cassie stayed with me for a bit. She ate some of my mom's fresh split pea soup but burnt her tongue. She survived. Then she made her bed quickly once Jason and Susan came to pick her up.

Things just got worse from there. I mean, I had fun making a Facebook for Karissa. But when Jason called me and told me that Cassie was spending the night I wasn't happy. He pulled all kinds of shit on me. Telling me I was a 40-year old woman afraid of my mom - like he even knows what I go through. He's an asshole. He really is sometimes to the point where I don't even want to hear from him. And of course, I found out that he talks shit behind my back. This is why, as much as I love him and appreciate what he'd done for Cassie and I, I don't trust him emotionally. He's way too volitale.

Then as if that wasn't bad enough I find out that Rena's going to be taken back. I knew someone had to have said something to make them say it wasn't working out and that they were going to pick her up. When I said that to Jason, he flipped out at me AGAIN!! I found out later than Susan had told them about the cats. Duh?? You don't do that. At least that's what Cassie said. And then Cassie was upset by that, and by Jason yelling at her. By him and Susan fighting. She was so upset she was thinking about coming back home. And again, she told me I'm the only one she trusts and that she has been thinking about coming home because of the constant yelling and such. I just hate the fact that Jason can act like a two year old and get everyone upset and he thinks "I'm Sorry" makes everything better. This has always been an issue for me.

And it's not like we're fighting right now or anything, but I am still not happy with him right now. Of course, I'm tired. My chest hurts. I feel like emotionally I've been on edge all day and it's just grown worse trying to deal with his ass.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm going to take my pills and go to sleep. I've had enough of today and of Jason . . . 



Day 14 - Merry Christmas!!

Jordan woke Cassie and I up around 6:00am or 7:00am. I don't remember which. He was obviously excited to get the gift he didn't know about. LOL! Or rather know what it was. Cassie wasn't happy with him and I wasn't thrilled, but it was fun to finally give them their gifts. Cassie wasn't thrilled with the book at first, but I convinced her to read the first chapter so hopefully she'll like it. Personally, I thought it sounded pretty good! So I think ultimately she's going to be happy with it and Jordan loved his long sleeved shirt. Then my mom gave them her gifts. Jordan loved the shirt I'd picked out for him - the "Same Shirt Different Day" shirt. LOL! In fact, he put it on!! Cassie loved her scarf from Grandma. She also liked the toe socks, but they didn't fit her well. I think I got Childrens size. :-( Which means they didn't have them for tweens/teens like I thought. They also both got Candy from Grandma - fruit slices which they both love. And they both got regular socks too. They always need socks!

Cassie handed us our stockings and they both liked them. Unfortunately, the fuzzy socks that I bought for Jordan didn't fit him so he gave them to Cassie who definitely liked them. Jordan laughed about the brush, but he actually used it!! Then Cassie got her lip gloss and apparently it didn't taste like anything, which was kind of disappointing to me, but it still shined nice on her lips.

After that, I was so tired, I did go back to sleep. It was around noon that I woke up. It was a good thing I didn't sleep later because Jordan was going to sleep and I needed him to go to the pharmacy and get my meds. He wasn't happy about it, but he knew I needed to get the meds. The absess is even worse than it was before where it was swelling part of my lower lip. THAT is bad. 

Anyway, I stayed in my PJs when I took him and it turned out I wasn't the only one out and about in my PJs. There were about three girls in theirs too that walked by. As I waited for Jordan, I read more of "Beautiful Creatures," which is still really good! When he got back to the car though, the first thing I did was take two of the antibiotics. Then when I got home, I took a percocet. My mom woke me up at 3:00pm to eat dinner. And the dinner was FANTASTIC! The stuffing tasted so good!! Turns out the thing she did different from Thanksgiving was that she cooked it in the turkey. It made SUCH a difference! I wouldn't have believed it had I not tasted it. Jordan was sleeping and didn't want to wake up. His loss. 

I made myself a good sized plate, but not as big a one as I would normally make. On top of that, I didn't go back for seconds or thirds. I did have a tiny piece of blackberry pie. I still want a small piece of pumpkin, but that can wait until tomorrow. Also, I did go back for one snack earlier - a roll with some turkey and cranberry sauce inside. It was good and I was shocked because Karissa actually ate some turkey!!! She never eats Turkey! I guess she changed her mind today or the turkey was just that good! I thought it was sensational. My mom also fixed mashed potatoes, mashed yams, peas, stuffing, rolls, turkey, cranberry sauce and cider to drink. I think in all honesty I did pretty good and didn't go too far overboard. Though next year I'll be picking and chosing my bites since I'll probably only eating a shot glass full of food. 

Anyway, Cassie got really upset though and started crying saying how Christmas just wasn't fun for her. That no one had really spent time with her, but that she was sad because her friends all got cool stuff and she knew she couldn't get any of it. And how she had chosen books because she knew it would be less stressful for us adults to get for her. She is very thoughtful with some things. But I was so sad for her. She just cried and said it didn't feel like Christmas. That her friends all had family that loved to hang out together, talk, play games . . . and what did we have? I know that feeling because I had that feeling growing up all the time. Our family just isn't a family - well, except Cassie, Jordan and I. Though Grandma was really nice this year. I thought it felt more like Christmas to me. I just felt so bad for her.

We then went back to my room where I let her play on the computer. She created a tumblr account, but eventually I just had to lay down. I think she was just happy to be with me. I know I was happy to have her with me. Then Jason and Susan came to pick her up. They saw my face and were shocked I think. It's that bad.

I went back to sleep again after that with more percocet. But I woke up in time to see the last 10 minutes of "Cupcake Wars" then the new "Iron Chef America" where Chef Zakarian had his first battle! He won which was nice. I didn't pay attention the last 15 minutes or so. I started playing on the computer. I also created a Tumblr account. Just thought it would be something to do. And why not have another account somewhere else. I just have fun with it.

Well, I took another percocet and I'm getting tired. I am still having pain which sucks. I need to take another antibiotic at 1:00am. I'll have Jordan wake me up since he'll be awake - brat that he is.

Then I want to go to the gym tomorrow and do the water aerobics, but I don't know. I guess it depends on how I feel in the morning. Hopefully better than this.

Christmas wasn't a spectacular success, but it wasn't a spectacular failure either. I think it was somewhere in the middle when you factor in Cassie's sadness. I hope next year I'll have some money to get her something really nice. :-) But now Christmas is over . . . :-( Oh well . . . one more week to New Years then it's back to normal.

Merry Christmas all!

Some Men Are Pigs

Some men are just pigs. I should learn how to spot them. But you know, I'm just me and I am still naive about some things. I knew Mark was a bit pushy. I didn't mind that. We got together sexual easy enough. But he is an ass. We were supposed to meet at the same place I thought we went to last time. Unfortunately he told me the wrong place. He has to have. Then he gets mad at me for not finding it and just leaves! He rented the room and should have had it all day then he gets upset because I can't find him! He could have helped me find where he was. But NO he had to be an asshole! He is the one that gave me the wrong motel.

Anyway, I felt so bad I kind of cried. I'm kinda crying now. I just feel rejected and that's never a good feeling. But I called Rick. He's the only one I could really talk to about this - him being my other lover. He made me feel a little better and we're going to try to get together tomorrow night. I might even try to drive over to his place. But he told me what a beautiful person I was and that it was Mark's loss basically. I still don't feel so good. I texted Mark and told him things weren't going to work out and basically his response was it was too bad because I was a good fuck. Not that I mind that. I don't have any issues with that. But he was just such an asshole to me. So I have basically deleted him off my phone, off my email and just completely written him off. I don't often do that to people, but I get the sense that it should be done. I don't need someone like him.

Okay, I think I'm feeling a little better now and with luck I'll see Rick tomorrow night. At least I hope so. Sometimes it's not worth meeting guys.

Trying to Convince Myself Things Are Okay

Well, the sudden depression is crippling. I hate it. It's taken away my ability to concentrate. I wanted to do some writing, but I just don't know if I have the energy or the thought processes to do it. I am just so hurt. Cassie just doesn't want to be with me. Regardless how she puts it, that's the case. I could live on my own and it would be the same. She wouldn't want to be with me. It's just how it is and I'm just going to have to deal with it. But knowing that she doesn't even want to spend the little bit of time with me that I had set aside hurts really, really bad. What did I do wrong? Did I give her too much freedom? Did I not love her enough? Maybe it's just that I can't buy her off. Jason and Susan can get her everything she wants just about and I can't. I cried for a hour or so last night. Tonight I guess I'm still crying. At least while I write this. My eyes are tearing up and I can't really seem to stop it. It might have hurt less had she shoved a knife into my heart. I just don't know if I can cope with this this time around. I'm not sure I can see her and then just watch her leave without crying. Maybe I just shouldn't see any of them for awhile. Not sure I can do that either. But I don't see any way I'm going to stop hurting. I'm just nothing in the world to her and I don't think I can get over that. I'm her mother. I should matter. I know she's a teenager, but I thought we were always close. I thought she'd want to be near me a little bit, but nope. Not at all. Okay, maybe I need to stop writing about this. I just keep crying more and I don't want anyone to see me crying. I don't want any one asking me questions, especially my mom.

Wow, I dried my eyes just in time. My mom walked in wanting paper. I told her Cassie wasn't coming home tonight. You know, she started this last night when she told her to ask me. It's HER that wants Cassie her. It's up to HER. If she had just said yes she needs to come back this wouldn't have even been an issue and if this blows up into crap for me, I might just take myself out of the picture - go into a hospital somewhere. I don't know. I just feel like so much crap is coming and I am not strong enough to deal with more shit. If my mom starts in on me I'll be the one in the fucking middle again and I just can't deal with that again. I can't.

Anyway, I might try to write a little bit anyway, but I'm not sure my mind will work the way it's supposed to. Then again, I guess the important thing is I've written. I just don't want to write crap. I also have to convince myself to do it. At least I got the tears cleared up for now.

Right now, I'm watching "Mythbusters" as it rains outside. There's a new "Mythbusters" tonight, but new "Ghost Hunters" too. Think I'll probably watch "Ghost Hunters." Wish I could take a handful of ativan and just go to sleep. But that's not going to happen. Things were going so well there for awhile. Now it's all back to being shit. Oh well. I won't force her to come back unless my mom threatens to kick me out again. I don't want her here if she doesn't want to be near me.

Okay, enough of the pity party for the time being. I'm either going to go to sleep, or try to write. Guess we'll see which one.



Quite an Up and Down Day

Well, today was Labor Day. I actually had a hard time waking up but Cassie came over and got the money for a backpack. I slept a little longer but when I finally got up it was cool. We were invited over to Jason and Susan's for a steak and shrimp dinner for Susie's bday. Jordan took a shower. I should have, but didn't. Instead I took like an hour to create the new group on Cafemom. It's called The Writer's Workshop. It was really fun to make. I made the forums and have 9 of them. I have weekly word prompts and monthly story prompts. I have other forums for poetry, fan fiction, chapters for those writing books and a place to vent about writer's block or any frustration about writing. I have to say I'm rather proud of myself.

Anyway, before I could post my prompts and stuff Jordan and I left for Jason and Susan's. My mom gave me money to buy Susan a cake - we ended up with cupcakes, but these cupcakes from Vons ROCK! They are so good!! We also stopped at McDonald's and got sodas. And I remembered Susan's bday card and Cassie's school supplies. She was happy that I got her mechanical pencils. She got an awesome backpack. It's rainbow colored in a checker print. I felt so bad though because she started crying. It just broke my heart. She cried and cried in her room. Jason talked with her. Susan talked with her and she wanted to talk to me. I stayed with her for 20-30 minutes and let her cry it out. I let her cry until she was calm. She took a bath after that and ate a little dinner, but emotionally she was wrung through the wringer and so was I. I wanted to cry with her and take her pain away. If I could just make everything go back to the way they were . . . I don't know. I think she'll be okay. It's just going to take time. And she is definitely going to give my mother hell. I don't think that's going to help, but who knows. I'm picking her up from school tomorrow and then Susan is going to pick her up around 4pm. She'll take her to get her nails done and then she'll go over for dinner. Then come home around 8-8:30pm. This is so killing me though. Cassie talked about wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. That she wanted to die before coming back here. I have felt that way many times. Just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. I feel so helpless. I can't get her help because she won't take it. I mean, you have to be open for the help to make it work and she's just not willing. I wish she was. I just want to help her. I guess all I can do is try to make things go easier for her and just keep an eye on her so if she ends up needing real help I can get it for her.

Anyway, dinner was great. The steak was so tender and Susan made regular fried shrimp and she made coconut shrimp too! It was wonderful! Jason kind of passed out cupcakes and rushed us out the door. Not sure if it was because he wanted Susan to himself OR he just wanted us out. I suppose that's better than being an asshole about it like he was on my birthday. But I didn't like the feeling. However, I'm willing to deal with it. I just hope things get easier. He got mad several times, but he was quick to tell me he didn't blame me. But I still think part of him does. I don't think things are going to be the same for any of us.

On the way home I stopped at McDonald's again and got more soda for Jordan and I. That's about all I can afford. I think. Though I will want to get one on Wednesday on my way to therapy. I have to remember I have therapy and make sure I go. I don't know what happened last time. But I'll tell you, it's been a sucky month. I am way overdue for a session.

Jordan went to sleep when we got home. It was later than usual for him. I got online and invited a couple of people to the writing group and they joined!! I also put up the word prompts, the story prompts and a poem. I'll probably add more, of course. I'd like to have something in every category. I'll work on that tomorrow, I think.

Anyway, I watched the new "The Closer" and then "Rizzoli & Isles." In "The Closer" Brenda Lee's mess with the law suit her lawyer saves her from signing it away and being seriouosly sued. Then a young pop star's dad is found in the hills dead and Brenda's team figures out it was murder and not an accident. On "Rizzoli & Isles" Jane's brother from jail is out and is playing chess with Maura. Jane also is trying to duck out of a sensitivity class and Maura's birth father comes back. I actually like him though he runs a mob. He doesn't kill women and children or people that don't deserve it. In fact, at the end, it was cool. This dock worker who was a real stand-up guy, he made sure his family got money. So as he said, he's one of the good guys in his world. I'm still watching "The Glades." This guy tries to escape custody with his brother's help. In the process they screw up and get trapped in the hospital taking hostages. Callie ends up as one of the hostages so that she can help save a man's life. So far, the brothers used Callie as a decoy along with a couple other hostages that were forced to pretend to act like them. Now Jim is on a manhunt for them - which is what he wanted to begin with. So he's gone off to find the money the brothers are after and the brothers, I'm sure. This is a finale so who knows what's going to happen.

Well, I think after "The Glades" is over I'm going to take my meds and try to sleep. At least I hope so. Oh, and "The Glades" had an awesome ending! I am SOOOOO glad it wasn't a cliffhanger. I HATE cliffhangers! Jim and Callie so belong together! :-)

Rough Day

You know, the started nice enough. Of course, I slept until 2:00pm. I could have slept longer, but I decided not to. I went to check on Jordan and he was sleeping. That made it easy to get the computer. I wanted to use it to actually do some writing. Which I did. My story about Michael from SGA was actually going on VERY well when Cassie and Jason start hated shit with me. And Jason - one moment he's saying he understands and that Cassie has to come home and the next he's yelling at me because Cassie has to come back home. I understand that he's stressed that she's crying all the time and I hate it too, but he has NO RIGHT to tell me that I don't care about her. What an asshole. He eventually called and said he was sorry, but the whole message sounded like an empty apology. I don't think I can accept it. I love him like family, but I'm not sure I can forgive him for that. I certainly won't tell him how I'm really feeling. It's not worth it. I just don't need him making me feel MORE unstable than I have been. But he really just went off on me. I went off on him and then he accuses me of not caring about Cassie. That was a low blow. A VERY low blow. Considering I let them have her when I didn't even want to let her go, but I thought it would be better for her and he has the nerve to say THAT to ME?? What an asshole. I don't want to talk to him for awhile.

Anyway, I freaked out, kind of. Started crying. I cried for like an hour. All I could think of was killing myself. It's all I wanted and the only way I could see myself getting out of this position. I have just been so stressed out. People just don't seem to get the fact that I'm in the middle and dealing with stress from all sides. I mean, how much am I supposed to handle before I break? I even tried to start writing a suicide note. A lot of times it will calm me down and I'll be okay, but in this case I just started crying more. I finally just decided I needed extra help. I packed up my stuff and told my mom and Jordan that I was going to the ER. My mom asked why - so did Jordan - and my ability not to tell was not working. I spilled how upset I was and that Cassie hates me and Jason told me I didn't care about her. She tried to tell me that Cassie loves me and that I'm the mom the same old bullshit. Same stuff that's stressing me out. And Jordan is pretty upset with Jason too. He's talking about giving Jason and Cassie a piece of his mind. That they shouldn't treat someone like me like that. I mean, I guess he sees me as fragile and sometimes I think I am VERY fragile. But it's nice to know that he loves me so much that he stands up for me the way he does. However, I don't want even more trouble.

So I went to the ER. My chest started hurting too and I had trouble breathing a little. Turned out it was a panic attack, but I got a lot of tests to test my heart. But I told them I was suicidal. And I was at the time, but as time went on, I began to relax. When I saw the Mental Health or Psych Liasion we talked and turned out that I would have been sent to another hospital because there were no beds available. That it would really be up to me, but that I should think about whether I wanted to be admitted somewhere. Well, the longer I was there, the more calm I got. I also checked my phone finally and I got that message from Jason about being sorry without really meaning it, I don't personally think. But it did help to know there weren't going to be anymore nasty-grams or anything.

Anyway, on the way home I stopped and got something to eat at Jack-in-the-Box. Usually I would have gone to McDonald's, but I wanted a big cheese burger and an egg roll. I also ended up getting a funnel cake for a buck. After I ate, I finally came home. I had to run to the bathroom! LOL! I'd been holding it for awhile. I tried to tell my mom that I was home, but her door was locked. I did tell Jordan. He was glad I was home. Especially because I brought the computer back home! LOL! Though he hasn't had it yet. I needed to write this first.

Well, I guess that's it. I am feeling better, though I can still feel that anxiety going on in my chest. I am still not feeling great. I am still upset over what Jason said and the position I'm in, but I can live with it for now. Now I think I'm going to take Jordan to McDonald's to get a soda and to get us ice cream. Yum. Then I'll take my meds and go to sleep.

Pissed On - Pissed Off

Oh my god, I am so upset. It's gone down from pissed off. I was having a good day until I went to Jason and Susan's! My mom and I had gone to Walmart. I even found clothes there in my size which has NEVER happened before. I was able to get a "Woman's World" magazine and some 5-hour energy bottles. I was really feeling great! Had Big Mac's for lunch. My mother and I weren't fighting. Then we came home and Jason called inviting me over for dinner. I almost declined because I didn't want to upset my mother, but she told me to go ahead and go so I did.

Well, I get a call on the way over there (which I should have just turned around and gone home if I'd been smart, except I wanted to see Cassie) that he wanted me to take Cassie home for a few days because she'd been mouthing off to him. Part of it is her being a teenager and the rest is just her. But I agreed that it shouldn't be constant. Still, I thought it was a bit much. Plus he was complaining that he didn't want her room to be painted black! And this after he already said yes!! I tried explaining to him that you can't say yes then turn around and say no just because you've changed your mind.

This continued once I got there. I eventually said that I didn't see the big deal and that he can't just change his mind. That's what gets people upset. If you don't know say let me think about it before saying yes then changing your mind! He basically got mad at me saying he doesn't have a say in his house. Whatever. He went into the bedroom and I just let him go. But then when Susan comes back and starts dinner he starts texting me telling me to take Cassie and go. Or just telling me to leave. As the night progressed he got very nasty about how I was eating his food. He fucking invited me over. He also said that when I pay for something I can have a say?? My fucking daughter! She's only over there because I thought it was the best place for here to be and usually it is, but this shit was too much. I don't need to be told to, "Get out after you've eaten my food and laughed it up!" And if that wasn't bad enough he does all this through texting. He texts and says Cassie can stay if she'll apologize to him. She didn't want to because she had earlier and she was ticked with him too. But she went in and as soon as she was in there, he told her to go home. So I was like FINE! Told Cassie to pack up her stuff that I'd be waiting in the car. It took a little time, but she came out with her stuff. And get this, no sooner had I started pulling away he was texting her to come back!!!! I was like, "Fuck you." And kept going home. Cassie wasn't happy with him either. But they kept at her and she wasn't home long before Susan talked her into going back. So Susan picked her up. But I am still very upset. I don't care that he apologized. He thinks he can lash out at whoever he wants for whatever fucking reason and that as long as he says he's sorry it's all okay. I'm just too pissed to accept it. Maybe I will tomorrow, but not now. I am too hurt and too upset.

I kind of feel like crying. I did do some writing, but it was really hard for me tonight - no doubt because of this shit. God knows I won't be writing anything else tonight. I have to sort out the next scene in the story anyway and if I want to bring in the man Mathias now or later. Maybe later. I'll have to see what seems to work. I just want to throw myself into my writing tomorrow. I'd like to get more than a page done at a time. Guess we'll find out. I just hope the story isn't too boring so far.

Anyway, it'll be a miracle if I can sleep tonight with how worked up I am. I'm going to try because I want to wake up earlier than usual tomorrow. I have my 5-hour energy and I'm going to use it three mornings in a row and see if I can't change my sleeping habits. I doubt I'm going to want to wake up tomorrow either, but I need to get myself up in the mornings. I need to go back to the gym. I just feel so crappy now. I feel like crying. He doesn't deserve to have my little girl, but she wants to be there and I trust Susan. Right now I am just so upset with Jason. You don't treat friends that way - especially friends you consider family! Sometimes life just sucks, I guess.

Who Would Have Thought Cafemom Could Be Depression Inducing?

 Well, today was kind of off-putting. Last night I didn't sleep the way I thought or had hoped. I even went and bought some benedryl, only to remember too late that it gives me restless legs. So in the end, I was soooooo tired, but I couldn't sleep because of my legs. I had to have Jordan pound on them. Ugh! Then because of the benedryl I was so tired I slept and slept. I woke up finally around 3pm and decided that I just need to stay up all night and all day tomorrow and hopefully sleep at a normal time and wake up relatively normal on Tuesday. We'll see. That was the first thing.

Then I am still missing Cassie. I will always miss her when she's not around. I just feel like I can't have my daughter here because of my mother. I worry that the woman will destroy my daughter the way she destroyed me. Maybe that's not entirely fair since I am an adult, but so much damage has been done since childhood that I just don't have the strength to keep fighting. Each day is hard enough dealing with what I deal with and it's not much.

Then, I decide to check Cafemom. I haven't been on there for awhile and to my surprise someone who was an aspiring author just set up an author fan page. She's an author now . . . her next book she's working on and it just depressed me. I'm happy for her but I'm jealous too. Why can't it be me, you know? I just don't believe in myself anymore. As if anything else could make me feel any worse it just dorve home to me how much I just don't trust myself anymore. I haven't done anymore writing since the other day. I don't know why. Maybe it's just that depression coming back way stronger than usual. I mean, I thought I was finally getting a handle on things.

Guess not . . .

And now I'm back to just being depresssed, wanting to cry . . . feeling alone and lonely. And really, my loneliness is due to missing Cassie. Guess I know who my best friend really was . . . or well . . . Cassie is just such a part of my heart and to not be near her is like having half my missing. It sucks.

So my writing is gone, I can't sleep when I want, and my daughter is gone . . . I'm doing great . . . yeah . . . just great . . . I guess I just really want to give up and die. Part of me really wishes I were dead. I don't want to be or I don't want to feel this way, but I do. It's hard to feel like this all the time. AND I might not get any money next month because I got my QR7 in late or something was missing. I have to call tomorrow. Or they might cut my money because of all the days Cassie has missed at school. I just won't know. It's just something else I don't want to have to deal with. I hate my life. I just kinda wish I'd never been born. If nothing else my kids deserved a lot better than their father and I.

Okay, I have to stop or I'm just going to keep crying as I type. As always I'm tired. But I won't sleep tonight. I'm starting to wonder if I need to go to the hospital thought. I'll give it another day or two maybe and see how I do. If this keeps up, I don't know . . .

I Was Okay For a Few Hours

Well, I started off okay today. Was woken up around 10:30am and I stayed up. Played with Karissa for awhile and even did some writing on a story idea I came up with last night and I think it's an interesting one. In fact, my mind turned over different possibilities for about an hour or so last night. I don't have it all worked out yet, but at least I feel like my mind might be working again. At least I did . . . well, where the story is concerned yes. But my mind has settled on Cassie again and all I do is want to cry. I know I'm doing what's in her best interest by letting her stay with Jason and Susan as much as I do, but I miss her and I can't shake the feeling that I failed. That I'm having to let her go and that I'm alone without her. I guess part of me feels like I lost my best friend. Maybe that's not how you're supposed to be with your kids, but her and I were always close. Now I just feel I have no one. Jordan doesn't need me and as much as we love each other Cassie is way more like me and we spent so much time together. I don't know. Maybe I just failed them both. I hate who I am. The failure I am. Maybe I'll eventually succeed as an author. I know that's my nitch as far as professions go, but I feel like such a failure in everything else. And now, I am just emotionally exhausted again. All I want to do is cry and sleep. I doubt I'll sleep but I want to. I have no energy for anything else. I don't even feel like writing. Well, part of me does, but it's not as strong as the part that is just too emotionally wrought to deal with it. But maybe in a few hours I'll feel better. And if not then maybe tomorrow. I'm going to try to go to the gym again. But we'll see. I doubt it will emotionally help.

Guess that's it for now. Time for me to curl up, cry some and tried to forget for a little while.

'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Have to schedule another therapy session

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Have to up my anti-depressant

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Forget trying to wrap the Christmas presents

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Okay, I made that one up a couple of years ago. But the sentiment is kind of true. As much as I absolutely LOVE Christmas, I get very depressed this time of year. Unfortunately, I can't take anti-depressants to help because of my bipolar. Even with a mood stabilizer, I don't respond well to anti-depressants. They completely and totally wig me out. But it's hard to cope with the depression. It's like, I love Christmas movies, but they make me cry and I get depressed. I think maybe because my family has never had one of those "perfect" Christmases. Of course, you have to have a loving family first.

Don't get me wrong. My kids and I make one hell of a stellar family as far as I'm concerned. And with my other friends, we're a great family. We all love each other. But my friends have their own families and mine . . . I am the outsider looking in. I always was. We've never been close, but I don't think they're close with each other either. I used to think that maybe it was because they had grown up together - my mother being a single mother to my much-older siblings. You know, it gave them a special bond and for whatever reason I didn't measure up to that. It didn't help that even though they're all 20+ years old than me that they were jealous of me. My dad spoiled me. Their dad didn't. Not my fault. Then I heard rumors where I was my father's kid from one of his affairs. So I thought this was it. That they didn't love me because of that. Particularly my mother who I could never please (I still can't please her, but she isn't pleased by anyone except maybe her own children). So I thought that was my answer. But then when I was 28 I found out I was really adopted. 8 months after finding my birthmother, I found my birthfather. Turns out I was from an affair, but not my dad's affair.

But basically, we have never been this loving family where everyone cares and wants to make everyone else happy at Christmas. You know, I actually had to tell my mother a couple of years ago to stop giving me perfume and make-up. I never wore either. You'd think she'd notice since I live with her . . . I finally told her that if she really wanted to get me something I'd like to ask me what I wanted . . . I'd tell her a million different DVDs or books . . . music . . . So for the last couple of years I have picked out my own gift. But she's not really cared about what I might actually want since I was a teenager. Before that, it's pretty easy to pick out for kids. But even with my 17 year old son, I tell him to tell me what he wants or I tell them to write a list I can pick from. I mean, geez . . . I WANT them to have a good Christmas.

The funny thing is, this is the first Christmas in a long time that I am not completely stressing over yet. Usually my stress starts at the End of September and doesn't end until January. But I'm calm . . . just seriously depressed. Even now I just feel like crying and today I'm supposed to go out and do shopping. I have to do a lot of shopping - food, meds, Christmas . . . So much in so little time. And I do kind of look forward to it, but kind of dread it too. My money will be going very, very quickly. I just wish that I could have a Christmas where I was stressing out. Where I wasn't depressed. Where I just felt loved and happy . . . that my kids and I belonged somewhere. I keep telling myself that my kids and I have each other and that should be enough . . . but it's hard. I guess I always just wanted a real family . . . Something completely unattainable, of course. I wasn't raised in a real family. The closest thing I have to a real family are my friends, but they have families . . . Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if my dad were still alive. In fact, as much as I dreaded Christmas with the family, I always had my dad and he loved me. Sometimes I wondered, but he did. He loved me more than anyone else. He'd been the one that wanted to adopt me. My mother just adopted me because he wanted a baby. They got me at 2 days old.

I just feel alone. And having a boyfriend or husband doesn't help. I've pretty much always been alone. It's hard and I guess I feel it now more than any other time of the year.

But I will do the Christmas shopping, decorate our tree, maybe even bake some cookies . . . sing some carols, watch more Christmas movies, wrap gifts, fill stockings and in the end, I'll feel fine. I really do love Christmas. I love the lights, the smells . . . the cooler weather . . . I just feel so alone.