Day 59 - Still Depressed But Starting To Get Back On Track

I am still very depressed about losing Linda. She was always so supportive. I would have liked her to be around for my surgery and to help me celebrate my successes. But oh well. There's nothing that can be done about it. I just have to realize that she'll be there in spirit. I did cry a little bit last night and talked with her. Though I doubt she's listening to me. She needs to be with Roger and John. But I miss her too.

Anyway, I slept until 12:30pm. I was worried I had missed the gardener because my mom had a doctor's appointment. I didn't which was nice. In fact, I was able to pick up Jason from the trolley so that he could come over and hang out for a bit. They let him go early from work so he said. I have this feeling he just took the time off, but I could be wrong. It's just this sense I have. But you know, it's not my problem. He's the one that missed out on the money.

When my mom got back and the gardener was there doing a good job, she decided that she wanted to go out for something to eat. We went to Denny's which was awesome. I got a build your own slam again. This time I got two eggs scrambled with onions, the chicken sausage patty, wheat pancakes and oatmeal. OMG! I was expecting a little bowl of oatmeal. Turned out the bowl was HUGE!! Needless to say, I didn't eat everything. I left half the oatmeal at least and I didn't finish the pancakes. So I took them home. I'm starting to get a little hungry again so I might be finishing those pancakes. Anyway, it was good.

When I got back I got on the computer for a bit. I got ready to go to the gym tonight. Then Cassie came home. Jason and Cassie were butting heads again and he sent her home, though I think she wanted to come home. I got a text from Jason saying he was going to send her home permanently. I ignored it and went to the gym with Susan and to water aerobics. The class was good, though I still went to the spa. I can't help it. I need to warm up. Then I took a shower and put lotion on. Susan helped me with my back and the back of my thighs. So far I'm not so itchy now. Maybe that's what I need to do.

But I'm going back tomorrow morning. I need to get back into the swing of things with the water aerobics. I need to lose weight. Only 17 more pounds to go before surgery. 

I also had to pick up my medication so Jordan and I went out. I also had to go to the store to pick up some brown sugar. I also grabbed tortillas for Jordan and caramel mousse tempations for me along with a life water for a dollar. I didn't get much, but I got my balance and I think Susan took more of my food money they she should have and isn't going to tell me about it. I'm not going to say anything, but next time I'm going to keep track of my balance so I know how much she uses. I mean I'm down to just over $100. That's just not right. THEN as if that wasn't bad enough Jason was upset about Cassie threatening to take everything away from her over her not apologiing to him. I understand, but he upset her big time and when she's upset there is no reasoning with her. But all she had to do was say "I'm sorry" without attitude!! Ugh!! What a pain in the ass. I was having a panic attack over it. Susan was crying. These guys don't understand what this crap does to us! UGH!!!

Anyway, I guess Jason finally settled down, but Cassie never did apologize to him. That sucked. I don't know what's going to happen now. All I know is I gave Cassie some ativan. I probably shouldn't do that, but she was so upset. She relaxed considerably and I'm hoping she got to sleep. Morning is going to suck. I have to get her up and get ready for school. She has to go tomorrow. It's been three days so that's enough. Time to go back to school. 

Okay, that's it for now. I need to get to sleep myself. I watched "Ghost Hunters" for the most part. Then I watched the new "Face/Off" which was really good. They had deadly animals and plants and had to incorporate them into something. Becky is a bitch though. I can't stand her. If she wins "Face/Off" I think I'll throw up. Now that's enough. Time for me to get to sleep - after the pancakes. I am exhausted and tomorrow is another day.

Day 52 - Slept All Day Literally!

I literally slept all day. I made the mistake of taking a muscle relaxant last night and it knocked my ass out! I didn't even go to the gym. I couldn't keep my eyes open. In fact, I slept until almost 4:30pm! I didn't bother to get dressed. I just grabbed my sweater, my wallet, my book "Beautiful Creatures," and my keys. After all, therapy was at 5:00pm. I did stop at McDonald's for a diet Dr. Pepper. I had to have something. I also took my multi vitamin and medication before I left as well.

Therapy went well. I filled in Dr. Tess about all the good things going on. He agreed that it should keep me positive. I need to make sure that I go to the gym tomorrow and that I don't forget my doctor's appointment at 3:00pm. But for the first time in a long time some really good things have happened. The only thing better would be finding out that I got Section 8! But I'm happy with what I have been given to me. The weight loss and the SSI. And maybe at the end of the year I'll find out that my book will be published. At least I hope so! I am hoping this is my year! So far so good.

Anyway, tonight I watched my "Ghost Hunters" and "Face/Off." I also was on Cafemom for a long time. I added posts to "Plus Sized Moms" because there is a game to post as many posts as you can. I've posted about 7 tonight I think. Plus I worked on my "Holiday Dreaming." I did a little bit on Facebook as myself and as Karissa. I uploaded a Pix of Karissa's treats. LOL! I have to admit that I also checked out Denise's Timeline. She put on a bunch of stuff. That's where I got the idea to put Cassie and Jordan's birthdays on the timeline. She went to her different places she's lived too. I would maybe do that for here, but there was really no other place I would want to put down. I don't exactly remember dates anyway when it comes to our moves. But I'll try to think of other things to put on the timeline. Maybe when I met friends or ex friends. We'll see what happens.

Guess that's it. It's after midnight and I need to get up early to get Cassie up for school. And tomorrow is just going to be another great day. I get my money tomorrow too! At least it's been coming on the 2nd for awhile now. So I'll get to go shopping tomorrow too! I just have to make a list.

Day 45 - Cassie's Project is Over!

Well, for all my worrying, I got up, dressed, grabbed my protein shake, vitamins and meds. I put on my new slipper like shoes and got to school early. I should have brought my sweater though because I got pretty cold. But all in all, I ended up parked right outside the classroom that we needed to go to. Susan called me from the front of the school. I got the info from the office that the information was on the auditorium door or whatever and she was in a better position to get to it. That's when we found out the room. She just contacted me and said get there now. LOL!

Then Cassie and Crystal's presentation was second. It was really good. Especially their music video presentation. The thing I wasn't crazy about is that they wanted up to judge the kids on their presentations. Susan and I all marked them as being great because we know how much it takes to get up in front of people and make a presentation. There were ever people from the school district there! I was like, HUH?? But oh well. I left at the break though. I didn't want to walk to the auditorium for stuff I wasn't supposed to have anyway and I had been there to see Cassie anyway. Susan took off to get to the gym.

When I got home I just decided to curl under the covers and go to sleep. Not like I had anything else to really do anyway and being under the warm blankets was so nice. The bad thing lately is just my sinuses. My nose is contantly stuffing up. It sucks. That keeps me awake at night. But I slept until it was time for me to leave to go get Cassie. I got a good parking spot and then I just picked up "Beautiful Creatures" and started reading it again. I'm about 63% through it according to Goodreads.com. :-) Cassie looked so beautiful in her dress. She's thinking about getting more dresses and being more of a girly girl! It's kind of cool. I think the dress she piced out was gorgeous!

With Cassie home with me we talked. She was telling me all about her boyfriend and this dream he had and how it had upset him because it was about Cassie with another boy - her other best friend. But I guess he got over it. I bet it was one vivid dream though! I remember my dreaming being much more vivid as a teenager.

Anyway, we cuddled with Karissa too and then Cassie decided she was hungry so I made her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Before we knew it Susan was there to pick her up.

After that, I really just got online. I haven't really done a whole lot. I got to play on Cafemom, though I really only went to a couple of groups. Then I was on Facebook. I got two new friends from Cafemom on Facebook. One has how many hours she was on facebook last month and I wanted that, but I couldn't find it. In fact, the apps I did find were crap and didn't really work. They just wanted you to hit the Like button. That's really shitty.

Dinner was good. My mom cooked ham, green beans which were fantastic, baked beans and fruit cocktail. It was all good, and I tried not to eat too much, but I guess I probably did. I also had protein water after that. I'm out of Strawberry Kiwi now. But I just kept on with the computer.

Anyway, I have had the TV on too. I was half listening to "Face/Off" - the first and second episode of this season. Tonight is the third episode and I plan on watching it. Right now is the new "Ghost Hunters." And hopefully I'll get some sleep. I feel tired. And tomorrow I want to do my stretches. I think I'll get a yogurt too. But for now, that's it. I'm done.

Day 38 - I feel the Depression Coming Back

I've been so good for so long that this is a set back for me. Plus, I'm tired. Of course, I started my period, but even that's strange. I'm just staining. The last few days I have just been too tired to even write here. I am trying my best to stay on track, but this has made me kind of see things negatively. Like I don't know if I'm really losing weight because I haven't been weighed. But then I'm afraid to get weighed to find out I haven't been losing which is crazy. I have to be losing weight. Of course, I'm not going to the gym for a few days because of my period. Plus, part of me just doesn't want to go. Maybe the rashes are just getting to me too. I want to lose the weight and I'm doing what I can, but I just feel like it's all for naught. It's probably just the depression talking. And it didn't help that Jason flipped out about Romeo going after Rena and scaring her. I tried to reason with him, but that was a no go. He tells Cassie she needs to decide who she wants to keep. I didn't think it was necessary. Cassie got upset and did a lot of crying. She said she only feels safe when she's with me. Not the house, of course, but with me. I don't yell at her. I don't constantly judge her. I don't flip out constantly. I think she's to the point (at least today) of wanting to come back home. Then Jason was mad at me because Cassie read what he was texting me over my shoulder. I mean, come on, he said he was going to tell her himself and then he gets made at me. What a wimp. He just wanted to vent to me and then not deal with Cassie. I half expected him to tell me to tell her anyway, but then again, it could be my hormones whacking out and making me read things that aren't there.

I went to therapy and I talked about the depression that was setting in and about the whole fiasco with Jason. I think what ticked me off the most is the fact that I know a lot about animals. It's instinctive. I grew up with animals. Anyway, I had tossed out a couple ideas to help them out and he just shot them down. So did Susan and it's sad because it would have worked. I don't think this is over yet. There might be more issues with Rena and Romeo, but I guess all we can do is see what happens. 

When Cassie and I got home from therapy we had to grab frozen dinners because my mom thought we were going over to Jason and Susan's for dinner. She didn't realize I'd gone to therapy. No big deal. I had Cassie grab us frozen Lean Cusine's. Cassie got a Baja Quesadilla which ended up not very good. I had a Thai inspired chicken which was awesome! Unfortunately I have heartburn now, but it was worth it. I'll just have to make sure I take the medication BEFORE I have that. 

I have barely gotten online at all. I just haven't wanted to and I've just been so tired all the time. But I did check into Cafemom and on the group "Just Siggies" I got my first siggy!! It's awesome! It has tigers and a very sexy brunette. Works for me! And I'm excited about it so that was nice. I made sure I thanked her. Then I just posted in two of my groups that I was sorry for my absense that I would be back either tomorrow or Friday.

It was also nice to have Cassie with me, but I wish she hadn't been so upset. I got her to bed and I stayed out with her until she fell asleep. It's so freakin cold!! And colder out there. I also watched or half-watched "Ghost Hunters" and then the new "Face/Off." It was good, but as soon as I'm done here, I'm going to set my alarm and go to sleep under the covers.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Day 31 - Not Great But Better

I was really depressed when I first woke up. I decided to not go to water aerobics and went back to sleep. I didn't wake up until after 1:00pm. I did decide to go to the night class. But I really had a hard time today dealing with Cassie. I even got a call from Cassie's therapist at the school. She actually wanted to have a family counseling session with my mom! Yeah RIGHT! I explained to her how that was a bad idea and what kind of person my mother is. She was sweet and talked to me for 30 minutes. After that,  things seemed to calm down. I watched "Larry the Cable Guy's Only In America" since it was a marathon. Then around 5:00pm I started getting ready for the gym. I also decided that I was going to get into my PJs after the class. I wasn't much up for changing, coming home and changing again. It made more sense to me to change into my Pjs. 

Anyway, before Susan came to get me, I also typed up a survey on Bzoink! I ended up having 104 questions I think! Between last night and today I came up with good questions. One person took it and gave me five stars for it!! That was cool. I hope more people take it.

Cassie was starting to be a little brat again over texting, but when Susan came to get me, she apologized to me in the car. That made me feel better. Cassie decided she wanted to come to the water aerobics class with us and she did REALLY good! She got through the whole class without trouble. Last time she didn't do so well. I guess Jen is just a really good teacher. I really hate how itchy I am at the moment though and the rashes are definitely getting worse. Cassie is adamant that I go see the doctor so I'm thinking I might call and make an appointment. 

Once Cassie and I got home, I finally ate some dinner. It wasn't the best dinner I could have - sausage, quesadilla and carrots and celery cooked. Finished it off with an Oikos greek yogurt. Oh and another bummer. I found out I was using too many scoops in my protein shakes. It sucks. But tomorrow it gets fixed. I kind of don't want to get weighed now for a couple more weeks. I want a chance to lose more weight first. I really have to get back on track with my protein shakes and simple dinners. I'm winging it too often lately.

Anyway, I am so tired now. The work outs really just wipe me out. But I did get to watch the season premiere of "Ghost Hunters" and "Face/Off." Both episodes were awesome. For "Face/Off" they had to re-imagine characters from "The Wizard of Oz." It was girls against boys. Girls WON!! :-D It's always sad to see someone go home though.

Now I think it's time for me to go to bed. It's going to be an early morning. Got to get Cassie to school. Then there's tomorrow morning's water aerobics. So tired . . . Got to get back on track with my meds too. I think I forgot to take them yesterday and I definitely forgot this morning. I also forgot all my vitamins. So tomorrow it's time to get back on track there too!

I will . . . now it's time for sleep.

Busy Day and MORE Shopping!

I woke up this morning and got Cassie off to school on about an hour of sleep. Needless to say I came back and crashed out again. My mom let me sleep until about 10:20am since I needed to get her to the doctor's by 11:00am. It didn't take me too long to get ready, then I took her. While she went to her appointment I went to Walmart. She had given me a shopping list and so I went shopping. I got a couple of things for stockings like pocky and Coke balls (ornaments so they're supposed to look like). I also got a couple of extras, but by the time I got up to the register OMG!!! I had so much stuff! I actually had someone unload the stuff into my car. Thank god Jordan was awake and ready. He took the groceries inside but I had to help him put stuff away. Go figure. After that, I took a much needed shower!! Then shortly after that I went to pick up Cassie. I read more of "A Christmas to Remember" which is pretty good. But I had to go pee so bad! Between my big cup of iced coffee and my extra large diet Dr. Pepper I was feeling it. I had to ask her to hurry which I  usually don't have to do. LOL! Boy was I relieved when we got home and I could run to the bathroom. I haven't had that experience in quite awhile.

Anyway, I created the design on Jordan's stocking. I did mine last night. Then I let Cassie do hers. Jordan had the computer and came into the room and showed us some videos. It was cool to watch as a family since we really don't do much as a family. We all do our own thing. So that was pretty special. He played Weird Al music and some of his WOW music videos. It was cool. Then Jason and Susan came to pick up Cassie and shortly after that I left to get to therapy. Of course, I also stopped for another Diet Dr. Pepper.

Therapy went well. I talked to Dr. Tess about my appointments on Friday for the gastric bypass and how I'm nervous. I mean, excited, but nervous. I get nervous anyway going to places I haven't been before. I guess that's my anxiety coming out. I also talked about the program Jason has gotten me so I can create a newsletter. I can not WAIT to get it!! But I need to try to remember what happened through the beginning of the year. Ugh! I'll have to look through some of my journal entries.

Anyway, when I got home from therapy my mom had dinner that I had to reheat, but that was no big deal. The burgers were good! Then I got on the computer for a little while. I think I'm starting to burn out a little on Cafemom. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. But today I only made a couple of posts. I also watched the "season" finale of "Ghost Hunters." I say "season" because it was a Christmas one. It was awesome. New episodes come back in January. I also watched "Brad Meltzer's Decoded." He wanted to decode Da Vinci, which was a fantastic episode. I don't think he was a prophet. He was just brilliant!

Well, after that I wanted to sleep. I took my meds and put on my "Rizzoli and Isles" but that didn't help. So I ended up calling Walmart and found out they are open 24 hours for the holiday season so I went shopping. I got the rest of the stuff for the stockings - barring oranges. I still need to get cloves. I like to make pomanders for the season. They smell wonderful! I also got Queen Anne BLUEBERRY cordials! I thought that sounded good! When I got home I tried one and they are delish! I also bought the new "A-Team" movie because it was $5. I also got myself body spray only it turned out to be $7 which sucked, but I was commited to getting it. I just have to be careful with the money I have left. I hate being spontaneous like that, but I think it was a good thing. It's vanilla brown sugar or burnt sugar. Whatever it smells wonderful!

Now I'm going to TRY to go to sleep. Maybe I can. I hope I can. But like always, we'll see what happens. It's been a decent day. But lots of shopping. LOL!

Moving Forward

Well, I didn't write anything yesterday, but there was no point. I had slept until 5:00pm. I just didn't want to wake up. But I finally did get up. My mom had re-heated dinner for Jordan and I and it was just as good as the first time around. I really just sort of chilled out to the TV and I watched the special episode of "Sanctuary." It was very interesting. I also finished reading "The Mephisto Club" and now I'm sad. LOL! I want to read another of Tess Gerritsen's books! Ah well . . . I think I fell asleep around 3:00am and I woke up around 1:30pm. It's not great, but much better than sleeping to 5:00pm!

After I got up I got dressed, grabbed coffee and went to pick up Cassie. From there we went to Vons so I could get milk, bread and cereal. Cassie carried the stuff to the car and into the house. :-) Then after a little more time we went to pick up Jason from the trolley at Amaya. From there, I took Cassie to Katie Kelly's and then Jason and I went back to his place for a bit. I hung out for a little while.

Some great news is that while I was waiting for Cassie to get out of school, I had called Dr. Tanaka's office to talk to D-Ann. She told me she still hadn't gotten the labs so I called my doctor's office and found out they hadn't faxed it when they were supposed to. Anyway, they faxed my lab results and D-Ann called me back. Turns out they are going to try to get my consultations for Monday!! I can't believe it!! Once I get those consultations done the next step is setting a surgery date and getting the final authorization!! I am excited, though I kind of want to wait until after Christmas. But you know, I'll do what I have to do. It's time for food not to run my life.

Anyway, after dinner I've been hanging out on the computer, playing on Cafemom. I got a new member in "Christmas Dreaming" AND "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" so I'm very happy. I made sure I posted stuff in both groups. I got caught up in other groups. I feel like I want to write some poetry, but nothing is coming out. I guess it's that even-keel or numb kind of feeling. Nothing's super good. Nothing is super bad. Though I have to say that was good news about the consultations!!

I've also watched a bit of TV. I have my shows that I just wanted to watch and Jordan stayed and watched with me which was nice. We watched an episode of "Mythbusters" followed by the season finale of "Mythbusters." It was cool! Then I put on "Brad Meltzer's Decoded" which was about a possible aliens cover-up by the government. Jordan and I were hungry so we went out to get something to eat. I ate the last of the cooked sausage my mom had baked. Then I had a bowl of cereal where Jordan just had two bowls of cereal. That stuff isn't going to last long, I don't think. Anyway, "Ghost Hunters" came on, but as soon as I was done, I headed back to my room. I'm actually getting tired, but I want to watch the season finale of "Fact or Faked" which is next. But we'll see. I also need to work on my story with Eyal. I think making the story around Thanksgiving just isn't working for me so I'm going to make it Christmas. Maybe I'll try working on it a bit tomorrow.

As for tomorrow, my mom needs to go to the bank and she wants to go shopping. So I'll have to try to wake up relatively early. We'll see what happens. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day!

Always Tired But Getting Things Done

I haven't really done much today. I had trouble sleeping last night regardless how tired I was. This is getting to be a habit. Then when I try to sleep I can't because I slept late and then went I get tired again it starts all over again. It sucks. I suppose I'm just going to have to start waking up at a certain time and maybe I'll start going to sleep at a certain time, though it hasn't happened in a long time.

Anyway, I didn't get up until 3:00pm. After that, Jordan and I had to go up to Grossmont to get my mother's tabs for her diabetes. Then after that, I had to go to the grocery store. I needed to pick up ranch dressing and butter. I actually had to call my mom to remember the butter. It just wouldn't come to me. I love cell phones. LOL!

After we got home Jordan, Taylor and George took off to go to Cowles Mountain. I played on the computer for awhile on Cafemom posting mostly on "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and then just checking out some of my other groups. Then I headed out to my therapy appointment. I swung by McDonald's and got a soda. I encountered more pain in the ass drivers, but it wasn't as bad as the other day. But it had taken me longer to get there than I would have liked because of the line at McDonald's. But I got there in plenty of time for my appointment.

Therapy went well. The being tired thing has been around for awhile. Oh I also know the gastric bypass Doctor's office got my paperwork. I need to contact them because there was some kind of question about my insurance. I guess I'll try to call Friday, or on Monday. I hope there's no problem because that would be horrible. Anyway, I talked about that and life in general. About the thought intrusions at night about wanting to cut. It was kind of bad last night. I think it's triggered by being so tired and frustrated about not sleeping. Then I talked about Jason and Susan and Cassie, sleeping and not wanting to get up. It might have something to do with me feeling a bit down.

Anyway, after therapy I went to Walmart. My mom gave me money to get us a microwave FINALLY! And I found a good one for $57. I haven't used it yet, but it looks great. My mom is happy with it and that's what really matters. Jordan was too tired to bring it in though and he went to sleep. Taylor brought it in from the car and set it up. My mom was too tired to play with it tonight so she went to bed. It's going to be so nice to have microwave popcorn again!! That's what I'm excited about! LOL! I'll have to help my mom learn how to use this new microwave tomorrow. It's going to be nice to use it to heat stuff for Thanksgiving! Oh and house has smelled so good! My mom made the stuffing today! I can't wait to have Thanksgiving dinner. I am a little bummed that my Thanksgiving with Jason and Susan is going to have to wait until December 10th now, but I'll live. They are kind of financially strapped at the moment and if anyone is going to understand that, it's me!

Well, now I think I'm done playing on Cafemom. I hope I sleep though at this rate I might as well think I won't. I was able to watch a new "Mythbusters" which was awesome. I watched a new "Brad Melzer's Decoded" about Billy the Kid. As much as people think he survived I'm actually thinking he really did die. I wish they would have shown his girlfriend's son because there is enough looks between them that I think it's pretty obvious that her son was Billy's. I saw that in another TV show. Now I have "Ghost Hunters" on, but I think this is a repeat.

I think maybe it's time to chill out and relax. Maybe I'll sleep. Maybe I won't. We'll see.

Is It PMS or a Mixed State?

I woke up feeling a little off, but okay. I went to my Doctor's appointment, but I was aggravated with drivers around me getting there because they were going too slow. I was aggravated with the receptionist desk because they took like seven minutes before checking me in - I had to stand and wait in line. Not easy on my back.

I didn't mind waiting for the doctor once I was called back though that took like 40 minutes. But while I waited for the doctor I did some reading of "The Mephisto Club." It's a REALLY good book so far. Then I talked to the doctor. Turns out I hate to go back tomorrow morning to get my blood work done. I also got prescriptions for Baclofen, Claritin and a saline spray for my nose. I even made an appointment for a Pap Smear and a breast exam which is next Monday.

From there, I went home. My mom wanted to go to the store so I took her to Vons. She got stuff for Thanksgiving and I got some mandarins and milk. Also my mom asked me to get ground black pepper and corn starch. I did more reading while I waited for her to get done. Once home, I got Jordan to bring in the groceries - including another turkey that my mom had Jordan put in her fridge - not freezer. Guess that's the one we're having for Thanksgiving.

I just started feeling worse emotionally. It wasn't terrible at first. It was manageable. I got on the computer and from there I played on Cafemom. I posted several things in "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and new word prompts for "The Writer's Workshop." I also edited "Love Me" my first James Bond fan fic. I reposted it on "FANtastic Writers" and in "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy." I had to change the forum a bit though. I had to make Creative Outlet private and marked as Adult Content. I also had to put a warning on my story that it was sexually explicit.

My mom cooked Pizza for dinner. I suppose I should have done it, but I just didn't feel up to it. She got aggravated at me because I just didn't want to do it. The pizza was pretty good, but I wished I'd had a pizza all to myself! LOL!

Then Jordan and I went to the pharmacy to get my new meds. It took half an hour. On the way there we got sodas at McDonald's and while I waited I did more reading. I can't believe how good this book is! I love Tess Gerritsen's work!! Then once I got home I got back online. I uploaded pix to Cafemom - Cassie and Katie Kelly carving pumpkins for Halloween. Then Jason started crap. I don't know if he was trying or what, but he starts with Jordan not being able to take his Xbox over tomorrow, even though he said he could. I told him he couldn't just change his mind and it seemed like he got upset with me. I asked him if he was or was I being paranoid and he told me he loved me so much and that I was being paranoid. Then my mother comes in and starts yelling at me, which considering the frame of mind I'm already in, it was horrible. I mean, I have been feeling irritated, aggravated, impatient, emotionally just feeling awful. My mind keeps going. My body inside feels like it's running at lightspeed, but my outside is moving normally. I just feel like something is so wrong and I just feel emotional.

So is it PMS or a Mixed State? I don't know. But I'm going to try to relax and finish watching "Mythbusters," then "Brad Meltzer's Decoded" and "Ghost Hunters." That's if I stay awake that long. I'm thinking of taking a Baclofen now and just chilling and maybe sleep. We'll see. I just hope this feeling goes away.

A Day in PJ's

I actually had to wake up around 11:00am because today was a half day for Cassie. I was there to pick her up around 11:30am after I got my coffee. What's cool is that I haven't gotten dressed. I've been in my PJs all day long. They look like clothes so there's no issue about it. Cassie took about 10-15 minutes to get to the car. From there we went home. She was hungry so I cooked her a couple of hamburger patties and I had her fix me more coffee considering she drank over half of mine! LOL! It wasn't long after that that my mom fixed Jordan and I hamburgers. I love pickles and there was plenty on my burger. After that Cassie, Jordan and I watched totheark on YouTube. Then Cassie and I watched Marble Hornet on YouTube about Slender Man and this crazy story they have going. They are up to 51 episodes so far. Then after that we also tried to look up Fox News footage of Cassie's middle school on Halloween. It took us time, but we did find it!! I THINK I saw Cassie, but she wasn't easy to find. Shortly after that Jason and Susan picked her up.

After that, I had to get going to get to therapy. I didn't have a whole lot going on, but I talked about the gastric bypass and that my real anxiety is getting the surgery denied. And the fact that I have paperwork to still do - two days of what I have been eating and also the diets I've tried. I also talked about being scattered and tired. I do feel so scatter brained and it sucks. It interferes with my ability to write. Concentration on anything is a challenge. It sucks because I really want to finish reading "Passion."

Anyway, Cassie came home just after 8:00pm. She got her laundry out of the dryer. Then she was asking me about what she should wear tomorrow for going to the movies after school. Her and a few of her friends are going to hopefully go see "Paranormal Activity 3." But she just didn't know if she wanted to wear this or that or the other thing. Then she decided to wear her white skinnies but there was a spot so she washed that. Then Jason called and Cassie's therapist at school put Cassie's name down to get a free food basket for Christmas!! I think that's so awesome! But then Jason calls again and is outta whack because Cassie's friend Crystal cut her hair. Obviously the girl didn't do a bad job considering HE didn't notice. But I asked him how he knew anyway and he told me he had a right to check up on his niece and I said yeah, but going through someone's Facebook account. THIS is what aggravates Cassie. She wants to block Susan just for the fact that Jason is always spying on her. I don't blame her, but Susan would get all outta whack if she did it because she did for a couple of days and Susan complained. But I would hate someone checking up on me if I was her age. It's like always having someone over your shoulder staring at everything you do or say. You can't be yourself if you're constantly having to worry about how someone will react when they read what you say. Wish I could help her with this situation, but she really needs to talk to Susan about it. Maybe Susan would understand, but maybe not.

Well, I guess that's it. I haven't watched that much TV. I did watch the new "Mythbusters" tonight about their top 12 locations they've been to. It was pretty cool to watch. Then I have "Fact or Faked" on, but I haven't gotten into it yet. After that I'm going to watch "Ghost Hunters" unless I fall asleep first. We'll see.

Anyway, I guess that's it. Tomorrow I take Jordan to pick up his game "Skyrim" but I told him we're not leaving until "Burn Notice" is over. I have to have my Michael Weston fix. LOL! Maybe I'll be able to do some reading or writing or both. But I guess we'll see. I am so tired. I hope I sleep well tonight. But that's up in the air too.

Pdoc, and Car Trouble and Fan Fiction OH MY!

Today has been a bit crazy. Well, it's made me feel crazy. I wake up around 9:30am and then slept until 10:00am. Got up, got dressed, got my coffee and headed out to my pdoc appointment. Turned out there is a NEW doctor. I can't remember his name, but he was nice. It was only his second day on the job and was still having trouble with the computer program he was supposed to use. But none of my meds were or needed to be changed. I just needed more ativan. But on the way there and on the way home the car started acting up to the point I don't want to drive it again unless it's to Claudio's. At first my mother was pissed like I had planned it. Ugh! But eventually she told me to take it in tomorrow. I asked Susan to shadow me there just in case the car breaks down. I just hope it's just a cheap spark plug and that it doesn't cost much. If it does, I'm screwed. But as it was, I asked Susan to pick Cassie up from school and since Cassie wanted to stay over there tonight I decided to let her. That way I don't have to worry about her walking to school. It's too nerve-wrecking to let her walk when so many things can happen. Yeah, I'm a bit paranoid.

Anyway, I really haven't done much today. I kind of chilled out to "Criminal Minds," "The First 48," "Storage Wars" and now the new "Ghost Hunters." (I am very tired too. But I ALSO FINISHED MY FAN FICTION!! "Holiday Joy" my newest 007 romance is done. I posted it though there are a lot of errors in it, but I didn't feel like doing corrections. Maybe tomorrow I'll read it, correct it and repost it. But we'll see.

Hopefully I'll sleep early. Though I always say that and it doesn't happen. But I'll cross my fingers. And we'll see what tomorrow brings.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Today has been pretty good! I woke up around 12:30pm and my mom had cooked up some maple sausages. Yum! I fixed myself iced coffee with my cinnamon vanilla cream creamer. I also heard from Mark! I don't know why but he doesn't seem to get my texts except when he texts me. It almost sounds like he has a phone like Greg used to have where texts would come randomly sometimes or not show up.  Though with Greg I really think that was due to his drugs. I think he thought he texted me, but didn't. Anyway, it was good to know that Mark hasn't written me off. He is quite a kinky guy so we'll see what happens.

Jason and Susan came over just long enough to bring my black cat mask over. I got to see Jordan in his scarecrow costume. He looked good! Then I rooted around in my change and got enough money to take him to CVS pharmacy to get some fake blood so he could look like a fresh zombie. Of course, next year we get the gray make-up so he can look more like one. This year he had to explain himself a bit. Still he got a good amount of candy!

Cassie was a fox and went to the school dance this afternoon. She was going to go with her boyfriend Ben, only he managed to get himself suspended. But she still had a great time hanging out with her friends. She really had a good time from what she told me. I'm glad she had that experience!

When I got home, I was a little aggravated because the guy to wash down the house came at 4:00pm and I still had to put up the Trick or Treat tape up on the garage door and get the pumpkins outside. But he didn't take that long, so that worked. But he took up the drive way too!! So I had to park on the street and that kinda ticked me off. But whatever. As soon as Jordan had a sandwich, George called and told Jordan he could go over so I helped Jordan put the blood on his face and then he left. Cassie took a shower and got her make-up and costume back on. She also helped me get the pumpkins outside and get them lit.

I got my own mask ready and at about 7:00pm we started getting kids showing up. I handed out candy, of course. It was fun and there were some really cute little kids and some older kids. I didn't mind. It was just fun handing out candy. I also watched and am watching the "Ghost Hunters Live" Halloween investigation. It's cool though I've only been paying half attention between looking for Trick or Treaters and then spending time with the kids. Cassie got a CRAP LOAD of candy!! HUGE amount! Jordan got quite a bit took but not near what Cassie got. They both shared with me which was nice so I had my fill of sugar! LOL! And that's not including my snacking on the candy we were giving out. :-)

I did post pix of the kids and I in costume on Cafemom and I have a lot more pix on the camera. These were just cell phone pix. In fact, here are the pix!

I think we all looked pretty good! Anyway, it was a lot of fun! It's kind of sad that Halloween is over. But oh well! It'll be back next year!

Now I'm going to finish watching "Ghost Hunters" take my meds and see about getting some sleep, though I don't know if I will. We'll see!

Wired!!

I have been so up today!! My mind has been going, going, going! I didn't fall asleep until around 5:30am I woke up at 6:20am and then got Cassie to school. I came home and went back to sleep. I finally woke up around 1:30pm. This seems to be getting to be a pattern and I'm not liking it! Especially since I have a date tomorrow at 10:30am at Taco Bell. I hope I don't have to go while exhausted!

Anyway, I went to pick Cassie up after getting my coffee. But I just couldn't concentrate on anything, but I wanted to talk or do something. It helped that Mark had texted me to see if I got texts. So once I got to Cassie's school I texted him. I also called Nicole but missed her. I called Sherry about the bathing suits, but got her husband John. I called and left a message for Patty. Texted Carlos about Ichigo and Sebastian. I haven't texted them in ages, but I asked about the kitties. He said he'd send me pix tomorrow. But I have just been so excited and wound up! I mean, between thinking of just how great it's going to be to lose weight and that the guy I met at Walmart is really into me - but it scares me a bit. I don't want him to be another Greg, though already he's not. He has a job and he's not addicted to pain pills that I know of. That's something I'm sure we'll talk about. What does worry me a little is he's coming on a bit strong. That might be something I'll talk to him about tomorrow. But so far I really do like him.

So Cassie gets out of school and she tells me she wants to stay and she'll walk home. Turns out she wanted to hang out with her new boyfriend Ben. My mom wasn't happy that she stayed with friends instead of being with me. Ugh! My mom is a pain in the ass. Cassie did eventually come home in plenty of time and decided to come to therapy with me.

Patty also  called back and her and I talked for awhile. It was great talking with her. She has been dealing with stuff but she plans on going back to one of her writing groups. She's had trouble concentrating too. Then she was also congradulating me about the gastric bypass and even said that when I lose weight I could ride in an airplane seat and that she'd get me a ticket or somehow we'd get a ticket. Anyway, it was good to hear from her.

Therapy was good. Cassie waited, did her homework and ended up reading her book. Apparently there were sex scenes in the book. LOL! Well, she would be reading that stuff sooner or later. It's just funny because we were talking about the ways things like that are described in books because she asked and I told her that a guy's part is commonly referred to as a shaft and sure enough in her book it said shaft! LOL! I thought that was so funny! But therapy was good. I'm a little more calm than I was so maybe the high I was one is slowling down. I hope maybe a little because I'm tired and would like to try to sleep tonight. But I got to talk to Dr. Tess and he said that I had lots of good things going on and feeling up was normal though maybe a bit higher. He also said if I fall down that just remember the good things going on. :-)

When we got home my mom had dinner kind of ready. She made quesadillas and ramen noodles with shrimp. It was pretty good. After dinner, I did most of the dishes, but my back started hurting. Jordan didn't eat with us. He'd eaten earlier I guess, because he got to go to "Haunted Trails" at Balboa Park with Alicia tonight. I don't know when they'll be back but sometime tonight. Jason texted me and told me that Alicia was resting in Jordan's arms. :-D How sweet!

Anyway, after dinner, I got back on the computer. I also called Nicole and we got to talk for awhile. I told her about Mark and how I am just so excited about the Gastric Bypass. My life is so going to change and it's dawning on me how much I'll actually be living life. I won't be waiting in the wings anymore! Jason even said when I lose weight he'll get my Sea World pass back because then I could really go and enjoy it! It's awesome! I know it's going to take time to lose the weight, but I hear it comes off pretty fast. I can hardly wait. I want to get through all these consultations and get the surgery over. I am scared about the surgery, but I guess it's well worth it!

Well, Mark finally gave me another email addy to use for him and sure enough it worked because for some reason his email doesn't like my email addy. Go figure. He's going to reply to it tomorrow morning. Basically it was just telling him about my bipolar and that I have two kids and all that fun stuff. Stuff I'm sure we'll talk about. Other than that, I have been working on my James Bond Fan Fiction. I'm on page 5, but I have a long way to go. I might write a little bit more tonight, but I am definitely getting tired. Of course, I have to be awake to let Jordan in when he finally gets home. I know he's having a great time! :-)

So other than write on my fan fiction I've been chilling out to "Mythbusters" and then I'll probably watch "Penn and Teller's Tell a Lie" then watch "Ghost Hunters" and maybe "Fact or Faked" if I stay up that late. Personally, I wouldn't mind going to sleep now if I could actually fall asleep. But that's highly unlikely.

I can say today has been another great day! We'll see how tomorrow goes!

Meeting Goals?

Well, I didn't get up when I meant to. I was just so tired that I took Cassie to school came back and went back to sleep. I also finally woke up finding out I started my period!! Oh lucky me! As soon as I was sitting up I began feeling the cramps bad. I got Ibuprofen quick! But then I was so tired still that I napped on and off until my mom made me a couple of tuna sandwiches for dinner. But this all means that I have to go up to Welfare tomorrow AND pay my car insurance tomorrow. I can't put it off any longer. It's just I feel so tired and drained. That's what happens when Aunt Flo comes to visit. :-(

Then my poor baby is all upset over something that happened with her boyfriend. I guess he cheated or she thought he'd cheated and she told their friends and so they all sided with her and now she feels horrible. I don't know if he cheated on her or not, but now she wants to fix things. That's all I know. I feel bad for her. I think the worst part of being her mother is just the fact that when she's hurt, I hurt. I wish I could take her hurt away. But I guess it's all part of the learning process as one gets older. And this was the boy she was thinking about having sex with. I told her to wait and I think that proved to be a good thing. I just wish I could fix things for her and make it all better. But I can't. I have to just watch and pick up pieces if it comes to that. But my heart aches for her.

Anyway, I was able to get my writing done today - my two page commitment. I wrote 2.25 pages. I'm not sure I'm going to keep the scene I started, but I might. It just depends on where I decide to go with it. The Royal family announces the engagement of their crowned prince Kamal to Rachel Bennet. It wasn't so easy to write tonight, but it's because I'm freakin tired and that affects my ability to concentrate. I hate my period. I just hope I feel better tomorrow and get done what I need to get done.

Well, Cassie should be home anytime now. I have been biding my time until the new "Ghost Hunters" so I have watched reruns of it and of "Faked or Faked." I'm trying to decide if I want to watch the new one at 10:00pm or "Brad Meltzer's Decoded." Or I might just go to sleep! I'm tired enough to!

Guess that's it. Writing Goal - Done! Everything else is what it is.

Trying to Convince Myself Things Are Okay

Well, the sudden depression is crippling. I hate it. It's taken away my ability to concentrate. I wanted to do some writing, but I just don't know if I have the energy or the thought processes to do it. I am just so hurt. Cassie just doesn't want to be with me. Regardless how she puts it, that's the case. I could live on my own and it would be the same. She wouldn't want to be with me. It's just how it is and I'm just going to have to deal with it. But knowing that she doesn't even want to spend the little bit of time with me that I had set aside hurts really, really bad. What did I do wrong? Did I give her too much freedom? Did I not love her enough? Maybe it's just that I can't buy her off. Jason and Susan can get her everything she wants just about and I can't. I cried for a hour or so last night. Tonight I guess I'm still crying. At least while I write this. My eyes are tearing up and I can't really seem to stop it. It might have hurt less had she shoved a knife into my heart. I just don't know if I can cope with this this time around. I'm not sure I can see her and then just watch her leave without crying. Maybe I just shouldn't see any of them for awhile. Not sure I can do that either. But I don't see any way I'm going to stop hurting. I'm just nothing in the world to her and I don't think I can get over that. I'm her mother. I should matter. I know she's a teenager, but I thought we were always close. I thought she'd want to be near me a little bit, but nope. Not at all. Okay, maybe I need to stop writing about this. I just keep crying more and I don't want anyone to see me crying. I don't want any one asking me questions, especially my mom.

Wow, I dried my eyes just in time. My mom walked in wanting paper. I told her Cassie wasn't coming home tonight. You know, she started this last night when she told her to ask me. It's HER that wants Cassie her. It's up to HER. If she had just said yes she needs to come back this wouldn't have even been an issue and if this blows up into crap for me, I might just take myself out of the picture - go into a hospital somewhere. I don't know. I just feel like so much crap is coming and I am not strong enough to deal with more shit. If my mom starts in on me I'll be the one in the fucking middle again and I just can't deal with that again. I can't.

Anyway, I might try to write a little bit anyway, but I'm not sure my mind will work the way it's supposed to. Then again, I guess the important thing is I've written. I just don't want to write crap. I also have to convince myself to do it. At least I got the tears cleared up for now.

Right now, I'm watching "Mythbusters" as it rains outside. There's a new "Mythbusters" tonight, but new "Ghost Hunters" too. Think I'll probably watch "Ghost Hunters." Wish I could take a handful of ativan and just go to sleep. But that's not going to happen. Things were going so well there for awhile. Now it's all back to being shit. Oh well. I won't force her to come back unless my mom threatens to kick me out again. I don't want her here if she doesn't want to be near me.

Okay, enough of the pity party for the time being. I'm either going to go to sleep, or try to write. Guess we'll see which one.



Better But Not 100% Yet

I can't believe it! I'm starting to feel better! Yesterday I felt so horrible I was sure today was going to be just as bad or worse. But instead, I started feeling better in the early afternoon. In fact, I haven't really napped that much today. I have felt more energetic, but not a lot. Not like I ever am, but it's better than yesterday, but not as good as my normal either. I'm just happy that I'm feeling better. When I feel so bad it just seems like it's going to go on forever. Now maybe tomorrow I can work on my synopsis again and get back on track. I want to be back on track. It's important for me to get my ducks in a row and to set aside time to write or work on my writing endevors. I still want to have a finished synopsis of "Assassin's Seduction" by the 4th of October at the latest.

I can't believe how fast time is going by. In a handful of days we'll be in October! Soon it'll be Halloween, the kids birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas! It's all going to come fast and furious very soon.

I guess what I worry the most about when it comes to being on my schedule is just sitting back again and letting things go. I can't say I have my complete inspiration for writing back, but right now I'm still sick. I just want to be able to go forward. Writing is my field. It's what I was always meant to do. I just worry about being unproductive again. I don't want to be in that place. I want to keep going and moving forward and not going backward. I have been afraid that I'll go back to being stagnant and I just don't want that to happen again. I think I'm just going to try to do something pertaining to my writing everyday - that I'm not sick!! I do hope tomorrow I feel even better. That would make me feel really better!

Anyway, I basically have chilled out watching "River Monsters" today and "Hillbilly Hand Fishing." In about twenty minutes I'm going to be watching "Ghost Hunters" and after that hopefully I'll go back to sleep. I still need some rest. At least I'm getting better and not getting worse. Now I'm going to take my meds and chill out watching TV.

Oh and thank god Cassie could be somewhere else while I'm sick. It's so much better for her and keep her healthier!

Naps Don't Help. LOL!

It doesn't seem to matter if I get a nap or not. By 8:00pm I am wiped out. Even if I don't sleep, I am so tired I just veg. Right now, I am yawning and just sort of hunching as I type. I barely had energy to take cough drops to Cassie.

Anyway, I got up, got Cassie up, got her to school. She was a little grumpy this morning, but her stomach is still hurting her. It just has me concerned even though I just think it's nerves and stress. But it seems like things are actually going pretty well! I mean, I see her every day during the week. She gets to visit Jason and Susan every day - that also means she can spend time with her friends. I really think it's working out very well. She smiles and jokes with me. Talks to her friends with me right there. I'll tell you, even now, when I get a call, I don't like ANYONE to be around when I talk and when I was her age - Hell no did I want my mother listening to me! LOL! It's just further evidence that she trusts me. :-)

When I got back from dropping off Cassie at school I finished my coffee and got to editing. In "Assassin's Seduction" I edited two more chapters. I was going to do more, but I just got so tired. In fact, I was going to try to do more editing tonight, but again, I'm just too tired. Anyway, I laid down and took a nap for about two maybe three hours. I got up in time to get to Cassie's school relatively early. It worked out well because it gave me plenty of time to make a doctor's appointment for Cassie on Friday and then time to call Susan and asking her if she would take her. I mean, it's Friday. They take her for the weekend anyway. But I'm going to have to pick up Jason from Amaya. No biggie. He's probably going to crash and sleep for awhile until Susan comes to get him.

Cassie had a dollar and she wanted to get a soda from McDonald's so I parked and checked my own change. Turned out I had enough to get one also. Yay! So we got sodas and went home. She didn't have any homework except for a paper that I needed to sign. Which I did. Then I let Cassie play online for awhile. She was talking with one of her friends and then spamming their webpage basically posting a bunch of videos from Facebook. She also put up one of her own videos so I was able to subscribe to her channel finally since she was on my account. It's cool. Now I can watch the goofy stuff she posts.

Jordan finished the laundry today. I have so many clothes to put away now. But at least we got it done. I have everything folded though so that's good. Tomorrow I'll see about hanging them up. My mom was so tired though that she gave us money to go get burgers and drinks. I figured we'd go to Wendy's for the burgers only to find out they are now charging $1.50 for their little ass burger. I told them forget it and went to McDonald's where we were going to get our drinks anyway. I hope they don't jack up their prices at some point.

Folding clothes is what I did mostly and I watched some TV. I watched something on the History Channel about Ghengis Khan. Then I got to see part of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" but they cut half of it out. I don't know what happened. It was probably one of their longer episodes and they had to cut it. It doesn't make sense when they do that though. Ugh! But it did give me the time to watch "Restaurant: Impossible." It was one I'd seen before, but it was awesome. After that, I just put on SyFy because I was waiting for the new episode of "Ghost Hunters."

Cassie came home and she had a sore throat. Plus her stomach hurt. Susan and I think that maybe her stomach ache is really due to her stressing about Grandma or coming here because of Grandma. I don't know. It's possible. I always used to get headaches when I had to come home. But she's been smiling. Oh, and I took some of her clean clothes to her and one of it was her green sweater and she just lit up! She was so happy to see it! It's her favorite jacket. She hugged it like a favorite stuffy or blanket or something. It was cool to see. I also gave her some cough drops hoping they would kind of sooth her throat in the process, but it hasn't worked. Ugh . . . She might be getting seen for a cold too! :-P Hope she's not getting sick though.

Jordan has really been helping me a lot. Grant you, I kind of have to bribe him, but so what, you know? And at least he does it. The laundry was a big help! Then we watched "Deadliest Warrior" during dinner together. And later he came and talked to me more about it. Though I don't often watch the show it's kind of cool we can connect on it.

Anyway, Cassie is tired of her name. She doesn't like anymore. Sounds too prissy for her! LOL! But you know, as much as I like the name Cassandra, I told her that if it hadn't been for her father, her name would have been Adrianna. Guess what name she likes? And the nickname to go with it is one of her favorite names - Anna. Guess I win all the way around! I don't mind her wanting to change her name. I wanted to at her age too. Mine was Laurel-Ann Whitney. She wants Adrianna Owens. LOL! Why not? I'm using Grant! So she opened another Facebook using that name. I think it's cool!. It just means she's more like me than I realized. :-) It could be that I might be calling her Anna at some point. She used to love her name Cassandra, so I won there and then with the name I was going to give her!

Well, I am exhausted. I want to finish watching "Ghost Hunters." It's kind of cool that they kind of got a full body apparition at the last location. Anyway, I'm going to take my meds, give the computer back to Jordan, finish the show and try to sleep. Hope I'm not over-tired. That would seriously suck! I need to sleep. Cassie wants to get up at 6:00am because she needs to take a bath or shower. It's going to be a long day again if I don't get some sleep tonight. Here's hoping I do . . . and this was so disjointed! LOL! That's what happens when you're as tired as me.

So Far So Good

Well, so far things have been good. I woke Cassie up at 6:00am which was too early for both of us, so I reset the alarm for 6:35am. She got up easily for me. I made coffee while she started getting her clothes together to get on. She didn't want to eat anything but I had her take a granola bar with her - she ended not eating it until after school. LOL! But it was nice. There was no fighting, no arguing. She just got up and got ready. I gave her some of my coffee too. Then I figured I wasn't going to take her to school until 7:10am, but she wanted to go before 7:00am. She was meeting her friends. I thought that was cool. She told me she loved me when she got out of the car. It was awesome!

After that, I went home long enough to change. Then I grabbed the shopping list and made the decision to go to the Santee Walmart. Which was a really good decision. The only thing they didn't have that I wanted was my cherry cheese danishes. But I got cheese danishes instead. But they're not as good. So I want to go up to the La Mesa Walmart and get them, though I shouldn't. They're really not good for me, but I want them so bad. I am so compulsive! But I'm not as stressed which hopefully means I won't eat TONS of stuff at a time.

It was great though. I got chicken, a box of beef patties, cheese . . . they even had some fruits and veggies there, but I didn't get any of that. I almost bought a pineapple though. Maybe if I go back I'll get one. I thought that was pretty cool!

When I got home I didn't have much to do. I helped put away stuff until my back just couldn't handle it anymore. I then laid down to watch TV. There wasn't much on except something on the history channel about comic book super heros and how comics have changed over the years. It was interesting enough, but I was so tired I fell asleep. My mom woke me up, then Jordan came in when the alarm started going off. It was HARD to wake up. I must have been sleeping deep. I have been exhausted since. Hopefully I'll stay awake for "Ghost Hunters" but I don't know. I am so tired!

Anyway, I picked up Cassie from school. She seemed happy enough. She was back with Zeke again. I was nice enough to take him home again. Then when we got home I had Cassie do her homework. It was a fun project where she had a puzzle piece looking paper and she had to put a pic of herself, a few sentences about herself, a science quesstion and her name. I let her put on music while she did it. But I had the computer, so I surfed my websites and just kept an eye on her. Soon enough Jason and Susan were there to get her.

I have to admit that I really LOVE this time with her again. I have missed being with her every day. I love her so much.

Anyway, I went to therapy, which was a good thing. Found out I still have A LOT of unresolved anger at John. But I am optimistic about having Cassie and her getting used to this in time. But I am worried that she's going to come home crying again. It kills me to see her cry. And she should be home anytime within the next half hour.

I was going to go to the Hostess Outlet Store - which would have been a bad thing too, I think. LOL! So it was a good thing they were closed! But I had to check. When I got home my mom had dinner ready. I didn't see the salad, but there were fish sticks and quesadillas! Yum! I enjoyed the combo. I have been drinking water and soda. Soda probably isn't that great, but I do love my Diet Dr. Pepper. In fact, I had grabbed a bottle at Walmart this morning. I was so thirsty I drank like a third of the bottle without stopping and usually I can't do that with soda. Guess it goes to show you what you can do when you're thirsty!

Well, with luck Cassie will be okay when she comes home tonight, but I guess I'll have to prepare for the worst case. Then when she's settled, I'm going to go to sleep!

Writing, Writing, Writing . . .

Okay, I'm trying this new version of Blogger and so far I guess it's good. It's just a matter of getting used to it. But it goes look kinda cool.

Anyway, today was an okay day. I took too much ativan last night and I just couldn't wake up today. I was tired and every time I went to wake up, I slipped right back to sleep. Finally about 3:30pm I woke up. It took me a bit, but I did and I got coffee and I had some of these beans my mom fixed. They were good! SO good that I had more for dinner!

I really haven't gone much today either. I worked on my "Jason Bourne" story and I actually FINISHED it! I'm not sure how good it was since I was just sort of trying to write it and get it done, but I think it came out good. I won't really know until someone comments about it. But I think that's going to be my last short story for awhile. Now I'm going to focus back on my book. I really need to get to the edits. I think I'm going to try to put down a time I need to work on it. I'm just trying to decide if I should just put a time limit on how much I'm going to do or if I should just state how many chapters at a time to edit. I suppose I'll let that soak in for awhile and see how that goes. But I need to get serious. I keep saying it and now it's time for me to actually do it. Tomorrow I start doing some editing. I also joined another Cafemom group today. This one is for writing. It's called "The Aspiring Authors Society." I think it will be good because I can be accountable for my work. Even if I don't share it I can still get help and encouragement for sticking on track. I think once I'm done with the editing, I'm going to see about getting help writing a query letter. I also need to find out what kind of style I need to use to send. Do I use tabs? Do I make the spaces bigger between paragraphs? I just want to move forward and I really, really, really hope that these guys can help me stay motivated and optimistic even when I get rejections. I KNOW I can get published. It's just a matter of time.

Anyway, needless to say I've been online most of the day. I haven't even gotten dressed! LOL! But since I finished that one story of mine, I'm pretty happy. I also talked to Cassie tonight briefly. I told her I'd get her her backpack for school. I think she would have been more excited had she not been distracted. She was texting someone else. LOL! I just hope her transition home is an easy one. I really do kind of dread it. I just want her to be happy, but I will try to do what I can to help her. That means I have to get off my ass more often to do things with her. Maybe I'll be fixing dinner. Maybe I could do a stir fry? Of course, I don't think Jordan would care for it much. But I'm trying to get ideas. As it is, I'm going to have to buy LOTS of Yoplait yogurt. If she wants to eat healthy I will try to do my best. I even worked out a shopping list and I think I got everything on it. It will go down to the wire and I won't be able to eat out at all. I might not even have enough for any sodas. I suppose I'll have to deal with it myself after that - buy 2 lt. of Diet Dr. Pepper, keep my McDonald's cups, fill with ice and soda and voila! I have my drink. It's going to suck to be broke again. 

Karissa has been really cute. She's been meowing all day. I gave her treats, but she was a little hungry. I needed Jordan to get her bag of food from the car. As soon as she ate a bit, she just slept in the window for awhile. Now she's sleeping in a kitty ball almost behind me now. I even saw her paws twitching. It was so cute and awesome. I love my kitty! I'm also watching "Ghost Hunters" who are investigating this manor that was a hospital. So far it's been kind of interesting. I have been half watching, but it's been cool! The doggie reacted to a few places. They heard banging on this huge metal door that they couldn't replicate. Flash lights going on and off! It's definitely cool. If I were thinner it's something I'd like to do! Hunting for ghosts would be interesting.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Tomorrow I go back to my book. I'll figure out if I want to edit for so long or get through so many chapters. I just don't know which will work best. I guess it'll be trail and error. But either way I'll be moving forward and THAT is what's important!

So Far So Good!

Well, my positive streak is continuing! Though it was hard, I woke up early - 8:30am. I drank a 5-hour energy, grabbed a water and headed out to class. First class was Coping Skills which was awesome. We started talking about what's been helpful to cope with things and my response, of course, was GRAPES! I got to say and explain what it was. It was awsome!! Kimberly was there. It was great to see her. Russell was awesome too. He went to the community meeting and made sure to mention to them they had to keep one of the old chairs because I couldn't fit into the new chairs. That was really cool. I couldn't be without a chair. The second group was Cognitive Therapy. It wasn't as good as the first group this time. They were doing Thought Distortions and Antidotes for them. It was okay, but not that useful for me. I guess because I try to say positive things to myself. I know it won't always be easy, but for now I'm doing well. I also ate 3 1/2 starbuck's goodies that were brought in. It was so good though I probably shouldn't have had so much. They're hard to resist though, not that I was trying to! LOL! Before I left Kimberly gave me a hug. She's so cool! And I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person except with my kids, but when I see her, I want to give her a hug! It's cool. I think her and I are becoming friends!

Anyway, I came home and played on the computer for a bit. We had a very early dinner or late lunch. I also did my stretches. Then I went to therapy. My mom was nice enough to give me a $1.00 so I could get a drink at McDonald's on my way. Of course, they were out of Diet Dr. Pepper. They asked if I wanted Diet Coke . . . Ick! So I went ahead and got a regular Dr. Pepper. 

Therapy went well. I did talk a little about how I feel as a parent and how I try not to think about it. It does have a tendency to bring me down. But I also know I did what I could. We touched on the fact that I had a bad episode with the bipolar when I didn't know what was happening to me. I was traumatized by it. I know I was. Also talked about faith and how I just don't know if I believe in God anymore. I believe in life after death though. I believe maybe there could be a Higher Power. I just don't know. But all in all, I am doing well even with the fact my sister is coming. RI tool - To Know Is Not To Know. I don't know how things will be when she's here. It could go well. I just need Jordan to be out of the house. 

After that I came home, I went and watched TV. My mom was nice enough to make another dinner - meat and beans quesadillas. It was good! After that I went back to watching TV. Jordan had the computer and I got him to take a shower. I told him he could keep the computer until 10:30pm. I continued watching TV; a special episode of "Ghost Hunters" at 8:00pm. Josh Gates was a guest investigator. It was awesome. They were at some museum. I can't remember if it was aerospace or just planes. Can't remember what it was called, but it was great! Then I watched "Haunted Collector." It's a new show and seems pretty interesting. It's kind of like Ghost Hunters, but he tries to find a haunted object. Then after that was "Hollywood Treasure" back for it's second season. It's a great show. It's so cool to see what he is able to find and put up for auction. Not that I could ever buy anything, though I have seen some stuff I would love to have, of course. I think I'll watch those last two episodes next week.

I also decided to rejoin Cafemom. I haven't done much. I haven't joined any groups yet. I'm going slow because I don't want to be overwhelmed again like I was last time. Needless to say, I probably won't make any groups. Not that I can say for sure I won't, but I know I felt so overwhelmed by all the groups I was involved with and how many I had by myself. It was crazy how my other account was. I'll play more with it tomorrow as I finish up my Favorite things. 

Anyway, I think that's it for this entry. I am very tired and still need to set the alarm. I'm happy with my day. I completed my GRAPES and I just met some goals like the stretches and getting Jordan to take a shower. And on that note it's time for bed.