Back On the Horse

FINALLY I can write and FINALLY I feel better! For a couple of weeks there, I wasn't feeling like myself. In fact, my depression got a hold of me. That's never fun. The meds help most times, but other times the feelings over-rule the meds. Medication is never 100% and who would really want that? I don't want to be a robot, but I sure could do without the bouts of depression! In fact, a little happy happy would be welcomed for a few days! :-) Of course, going up and down is not exactly what we want, but still . . . some energy and feeling great is a wonderful!

My sister came back to town and I thought she might stay through the Holidays, but as a fantastic surprise me, she LEFT!!! Thank God! I mean, wow! I think that's why my mom didn't want the kids and I there. She didn't want to take any chances with a fight. But the thing is, I'm not the one that starts crap! Tim is coming though and he, alone, causes arguments. For 4th of July when I went to pick up Jordan from my mom's (his Grandma) and apparently before I got there Tim got into an argument with Nancy - who stays with Grandma now to watch out for her and help her around the house.There is always the chance he could start something with her. He usually don't start crap with me because I don't like debates. I won't engage in them. Of course, now that I have said this, he's going to start crap with me this time! But now that Diana is gone the kids and I are invited to Thanksgiving dinner after all!

This week has been pretty good except for a couple of days where I was just so down. One day, in fact, I literally slept on and off all day! Then I had no energy. I couldn't get myself motivated to do much of anything. When I talked to my therapist I unloaded a bunch of stuff that was hanging out inside me. In fact, I was bottling it up and that doesn't usually happen to me. But I felt like I couldn't say anything to anyone. It sucked! But once I unloaded it, I started feeling much better. I need to do a better job of not holding crap in. It was just so personal that I couldn't write it on here in case the friends involved read this. It would effect them negatively and that's something I won't do. There are some things that ARE better left unsaid. But it didn't benefit me any! LOL! But it was better to save the feelings of such good friends. 

One of the best things from Cassi's school was getting help through the Parent Advocate. Her name is Marissa and she is AWESOME! She has been helping me move forward in my life. She is trying to help me find other housing. I'm almost ready to move out on my own though it scares me to death! But I can't stay with Jason and Susan forever. Cassi and I need a place we can call our own. And if Jordan could get a job he could move in with us and it would help out all the way around! :-) I am so worried about bills though. Not sure how I would afford them. But somehow I have to make it work relatively soon. My goal is to move out sometime next year. I am crossing my fingers! LOL! Pray for me!! Please!!! :-P

I also have Christmas gift ideas for everyone this year! I am hoping I have enough money for it all. It's not tons of stuff and it's not completely expensive, but I like being able to give family and friends gifts! It means a lot of me because for so long I couldn't do it. If I have planned it right I should be able to get gifts for everyone this year! :-) I so hope so! Next year might be too tight so I want this year to show how much I love and appreciate everyone. I want to post what I'm going to try to get, but again, should any one come across it . . . Well anyway, I want to make Christmas special for as many of my friends as possible. Though it's going to be limited to local friends. That's the unfortunate part because I couldn't afford shipping on top of gifts. :-( But I do have Christmas Cards already and I've been making notes for my Christmas newsletter. My memory is so bad sometimes that I actually had to go through my camera and look at the pix so that I could remember the things that went on. Bad, right? LOL! But I as able to pull a lot of stuff out that I can share. But I want to get through Thanksgiving before I actually start writing the newsletter so I can include as much as I can into this one. It should be great! Of course, it's only for friends. Family . . . not so much!

What else can I say? Tonight is Jordan's birthday dinner. Jason and Susan do this for Jordan every year. This time his girlfriend is coming and I know he's going to LOVE that! Susan is also making his request and favorite - Parmesan Chicken. Yum!!! Her's is delicious! So needless to say I am looking forward to dinner tonight. Jordan already got his present - Ice Cream (Great Value version of Extreme Moose Tracks). He loved each and every bite! Yep! He ate the whole thing! When Susan and I took his ice cream to him I just didn't want to let go of him when I hugged him. I actually felt like crying as we left.  was so emotional that day. Not that I don't love him with all my heart, but I usually don't cry when I leave. It's not like he's moving away or anything. We live in the same county and only about 7 miles apart. I just wanted to hold him like he was little all over again. Time flies . . . I can't believe he's 22 years old now and that Cassi is 16  years old! They are so growing up on me!

Well, I think I am going to close this up. There are things I still need to do around here before it gets too much later. Hopefully I'll be able to write another Note from my Insane Mind tomorrow and yack all about Jordan's Birthday dinner! 

Until next time . . .

8 Days and Counting Down

I can't believe it's one more day closer to surgery. But today was a difficult day. I was nauseous almost all day. It sucked. It was my anxiety skyrocking. I don't know why it was so bad today, but I don't see this getting any better. Actually, it did get a little better after my therapy session, but I won't be talking to my therapist next until after my surgery which will most likely be over the phone. I won't be able to drive for two weeks.

I did spend some time on Cafemom tonight and posted about my nerves. Also one of the women offered her friendship and support. I think I'm going to need it. I also asked women to share their after surgery stories with me so I have an idea on how it might feel for me. That might settle my nerves a little. I also found out that I can crush my lamictal and paxil. It's just the invega I have to swallow whole. But at least it's not ALL of my pills.

I just hard a hard time with the anxiety. Jason thought I might be getting sick, but I knew it was anxiety. He did try to reassure me, which was nice. Then my mom washed two sets of PJs for me. I think I'm going to take my yellow ones. I need to start writing a list of what I'm going to take. I might end up not using anything I take, but you never know. I'd like to be able to post on Cafemom how I'm doing. We'll see how it goes. I just can't believe in just over a week it will be time for surgery.

Wow!!

Day 52 - Slept All Day Literally!

I literally slept all day. I made the mistake of taking a muscle relaxant last night and it knocked my ass out! I didn't even go to the gym. I couldn't keep my eyes open. In fact, I slept until almost 4:30pm! I didn't bother to get dressed. I just grabbed my sweater, my wallet, my book "Beautiful Creatures," and my keys. After all, therapy was at 5:00pm. I did stop at McDonald's for a diet Dr. Pepper. I had to have something. I also took my multi vitamin and medication before I left as well.

Therapy went well. I filled in Dr. Tess about all the good things going on. He agreed that it should keep me positive. I need to make sure that I go to the gym tomorrow and that I don't forget my doctor's appointment at 3:00pm. But for the first time in a long time some really good things have happened. The only thing better would be finding out that I got Section 8! But I'm happy with what I have been given to me. The weight loss and the SSI. And maybe at the end of the year I'll find out that my book will be published. At least I hope so! I am hoping this is my year! So far so good.

Anyway, tonight I watched my "Ghost Hunters" and "Face/Off." I also was on Cafemom for a long time. I added posts to "Plus Sized Moms" because there is a game to post as many posts as you can. I've posted about 7 tonight I think. Plus I worked on my "Holiday Dreaming." I did a little bit on Facebook as myself and as Karissa. I uploaded a Pix of Karissa's treats. LOL! I have to admit that I also checked out Denise's Timeline. She put on a bunch of stuff. That's where I got the idea to put Cassie and Jordan's birthdays on the timeline. She went to her different places she's lived too. I would maybe do that for here, but there was really no other place I would want to put down. I don't exactly remember dates anyway when it comes to our moves. But I'll try to think of other things to put on the timeline. Maybe when I met friends or ex friends. We'll see what happens.

Guess that's it. It's after midnight and I need to get up early to get Cassie up for school. And tomorrow is just going to be another great day. I get my money tomorrow too! At least it's been coming on the 2nd for awhile now. So I'll get to go shopping tomorrow too! I just have to make a list.

Day 38 - I feel the Depression Coming Back

I've been so good for so long that this is a set back for me. Plus, I'm tired. Of course, I started my period, but even that's strange. I'm just staining. The last few days I have just been too tired to even write here. I am trying my best to stay on track, but this has made me kind of see things negatively. Like I don't know if I'm really losing weight because I haven't been weighed. But then I'm afraid to get weighed to find out I haven't been losing which is crazy. I have to be losing weight. Of course, I'm not going to the gym for a few days because of my period. Plus, part of me just doesn't want to go. Maybe the rashes are just getting to me too. I want to lose the weight and I'm doing what I can, but I just feel like it's all for naught. It's probably just the depression talking. And it didn't help that Jason flipped out about Romeo going after Rena and scaring her. I tried to reason with him, but that was a no go. He tells Cassie she needs to decide who she wants to keep. I didn't think it was necessary. Cassie got upset and did a lot of crying. She said she only feels safe when she's with me. Not the house, of course, but with me. I don't yell at her. I don't constantly judge her. I don't flip out constantly. I think she's to the point (at least today) of wanting to come back home. Then Jason was mad at me because Cassie read what he was texting me over my shoulder. I mean, come on, he said he was going to tell her himself and then he gets made at me. What a wimp. He just wanted to vent to me and then not deal with Cassie. I half expected him to tell me to tell her anyway, but then again, it could be my hormones whacking out and making me read things that aren't there.

I went to therapy and I talked about the depression that was setting in and about the whole fiasco with Jason. I think what ticked me off the most is the fact that I know a lot about animals. It's instinctive. I grew up with animals. Anyway, I had tossed out a couple ideas to help them out and he just shot them down. So did Susan and it's sad because it would have worked. I don't think this is over yet. There might be more issues with Rena and Romeo, but I guess all we can do is see what happens. 

When Cassie and I got home from therapy we had to grab frozen dinners because my mom thought we were going over to Jason and Susan's for dinner. She didn't realize I'd gone to therapy. No big deal. I had Cassie grab us frozen Lean Cusine's. Cassie got a Baja Quesadilla which ended up not very good. I had a Thai inspired chicken which was awesome! Unfortunately I have heartburn now, but it was worth it. I'll just have to make sure I take the medication BEFORE I have that. 

I have barely gotten online at all. I just haven't wanted to and I've just been so tired all the time. But I did check into Cafemom and on the group "Just Siggies" I got my first siggy!! It's awesome! It has tigers and a very sexy brunette. Works for me! And I'm excited about it so that was nice. I made sure I thanked her. Then I just posted in two of my groups that I was sorry for my absense that I would be back either tomorrow or Friday.

It was also nice to have Cassie with me, but I wish she hadn't been so upset. I got her to bed and I stayed out with her until she fell asleep. It's so freakin cold!! And colder out there. I also watched or half-watched "Ghost Hunters" and then the new "Face/Off." It was good, but as soon as I'm done here, I'm going to set my alarm and go to sleep under the covers.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Days 9 and 10 - Man I'm TIRED!!

Well, I should have written this last night for yesterday, but I was so tired by the time I got home, there was no way I was coherent enough to write anything.

Susan and I went to the gym yesterday. Even Cassie came. The water aerobics class was good! :-) It ended up being a little too much for Cassie, but I thought it did its job. I wished Joy was teaching the class though. Before we left Susan was able to get a pass for a month which I thought was awesome!! She is thinking about joining the gym next month which is why they gave her a month. I love it because if she goes, I'll feel obligated to get my ass up and go work out. LOL!

After Cassie and Susan dropped me off, I went inside, got some decaf coffee and then I started to work on "Savior" about Eyal Levin. I need to get back to it. I'd like to get the story done before Christmas. But I don't know if I will. I'll try to work more on it tomorrow. I'm just too tired tonight.

I then had Jordan shower while I still played on the computer before we left for Jason and Susan's. We tried to be as quiet as possible when we got there because Jason was sleeping. So Jordan and I sat in the family room, talked and played with the cats. They all came out to see me. Soon Jordan had Lulubelle and Katianna playing with a straw. It was so cute!

Susan and Cassie got back soon and we started on the tree. Jason didn't want to come out of the room. I think he was just over tired from working. He has to get up early. Anyway, Jordan, Susan and Cassie were trying to get the tree in the stand and I was the one left to make sure the tree was straight. After that, Susan put on the angel and then her and I put on the lights. Then Jason came out in a much better mood. He and Jordan put the garland on the tree, then Cassie and Jordan decorated the tree with whatever ornaments they could find. Even Jason said it was time for new ornaments. Theirs are old and several are broken.

When Susan got back from the store, it didn't take long for her to throw together dinner. I had ham, a little mashed potatoes, then green beans and corn. It was good! :-) After that, we talked for a little bit. Cassie and Jordan started rough housing and of course they got mad at each other . . . Not that Jason stepping in helped. They're still mad at each other at the moment, I guess. Jordan's not sure he wants to go over there on Christmas Eve, but I think he'll change his mind. At least I hope so and I hope he and Cassie can just get over this event and move on. They usually do. But we'll see.

I was so tired by the time we left. I was ready for bed. We came home, I checked a few things on the computer, but I just didn't have the energy or the focus to write my journal entry so I gave the computer over to Jordan and went to sleep. Or tried. I took a muscle relaxant and an ativan as I tried to sleep but couldn't right away. It was a mistake to take that muscle relaxant though, because today it's left me feeling like I'm dragging all day.

When I woke up, I got ready to go to the Gym. My mom had washed my suit and towels for me, I took my vitamins and took my morning meds. I had my protein shake and then I was ready to go. Well, I grabbed a little water bottle too.

When Susan arrived it was just Susan. No Cassie. We went to the gym and got into the water aerobics class. Well, we got there before the class. The water was a bit cooler than it had been yesterday which wasn't so nice. But it worked. Joy was teaching the class which I was happy about because she is awesome! She's fun and has energy and is just youthful and approachable, I guess. Anyway, I guess it was cardio day because it was one hell of a work out today! It was good! I enjoyed it. Well, until the last bit of stretching. Because we weren't moving much, the cold crept back in and I was never so happy to get into the spa! LOL! Susan and I stayed in there about 10-15 minutes. Then we took showers. I was so tired. I could feel my body just wanting to stop. As soon as I was dropped off at home, I went and got my laptop from Jordan and started to write an email to My Aussie. But my eyes kept wanting to close. I was going to finish up and then go to sleep, but I saw a delivery man come to the door. My mom, of course, didn't hear it, so I got up and grabbed it for her. That's when I found out she was putting up her tree. It looks okay, but not great. At least it's a lit tree which makes it nice.

Anyway, Sue - Tim's 1st wife - sent my mom this beautiful wreath and candle center piece. It was gorgeous!! That's on my mom's coffee table now. She might not have gotten it had I not gone to gete it. But I think that's sweet.

After that, I did finish up my email and then I did lay down. I drifted in and out of sleep until about 3:45pm. Once I got up I got a stamp from my mom. I had to wake her up though, which I hated doing, but I had to get my car insurance out today. After that, I went to Albertson's. I bought a water bottle. Then I got the money order and got myself a little cane of Coca Cola lip smackers! SO I'm going to put it in my stocking. I'll have three new lip balms - Coke, Sprite and Coke Cherry! Nice!!

From there I out fuel in my car and headed to therapy. I got there a half hour early. I used the time to read "A Christmas to Remember." It's gotten very good. Then I had a good session with Dr. Tess. We talked about my lifestyle change and that he's talked to the psychiatrist that had seen me. It all went well! :-) I almost had gone up to Grossmont, which to be honest, I don't really want to because of how crazy things are, but on the other hand, I really want to get "Vanish" by Tess Gerritsen. I'm going to maybe try tomorrow. We'll see. As it is I'm not going to the gym tomorrow because my mom needs me to take her to Costco. The earlier the better!!

Anyway, my body is sore from the work out today. That's a first in a long time. But it just goes to show me that I really worked out today. I'm just tired. I worked on my Cafemom groups and checked the others while "Ancient Aliens" was on. Now I'm going to watch "Brad Meltzer's Decoded" then go to sleep!

That's it for today . . . and yesterday! LOL!

Busy Day and MORE Shopping!

I woke up this morning and got Cassie off to school on about an hour of sleep. Needless to say I came back and crashed out again. My mom let me sleep until about 10:20am since I needed to get her to the doctor's by 11:00am. It didn't take me too long to get ready, then I took her. While she went to her appointment I went to Walmart. She had given me a shopping list and so I went shopping. I got a couple of things for stockings like pocky and Coke balls (ornaments so they're supposed to look like). I also got a couple of extras, but by the time I got up to the register OMG!!! I had so much stuff! I actually had someone unload the stuff into my car. Thank god Jordan was awake and ready. He took the groceries inside but I had to help him put stuff away. Go figure. After that, I took a much needed shower!! Then shortly after that I went to pick up Cassie. I read more of "A Christmas to Remember" which is pretty good. But I had to go pee so bad! Between my big cup of iced coffee and my extra large diet Dr. Pepper I was feeling it. I had to ask her to hurry which I  usually don't have to do. LOL! Boy was I relieved when we got home and I could run to the bathroom. I haven't had that experience in quite awhile.

Anyway, I created the design on Jordan's stocking. I did mine last night. Then I let Cassie do hers. Jordan had the computer and came into the room and showed us some videos. It was cool to watch as a family since we really don't do much as a family. We all do our own thing. So that was pretty special. He played Weird Al music and some of his WOW music videos. It was cool. Then Jason and Susan came to pick up Cassie and shortly after that I left to get to therapy. Of course, I also stopped for another Diet Dr. Pepper.

Therapy went well. I talked to Dr. Tess about my appointments on Friday for the gastric bypass and how I'm nervous. I mean, excited, but nervous. I get nervous anyway going to places I haven't been before. I guess that's my anxiety coming out. I also talked about the program Jason has gotten me so I can create a newsletter. I can not WAIT to get it!! But I need to try to remember what happened through the beginning of the year. Ugh! I'll have to look through some of my journal entries.

Anyway, when I got home from therapy my mom had dinner that I had to reheat, but that was no big deal. The burgers were good! Then I got on the computer for a little while. I think I'm starting to burn out a little on Cafemom. We'll see how I feel tomorrow. But today I only made a couple of posts. I also watched the "season" finale of "Ghost Hunters." I say "season" because it was a Christmas one. It was awesome. New episodes come back in January. I also watched "Brad Meltzer's Decoded." He wanted to decode Da Vinci, which was a fantastic episode. I don't think he was a prophet. He was just brilliant!

Well, after that I wanted to sleep. I took my meds and put on my "Rizzoli and Isles" but that didn't help. So I ended up calling Walmart and found out they are open 24 hours for the holiday season so I went shopping. I got the rest of the stuff for the stockings - barring oranges. I still need to get cloves. I like to make pomanders for the season. They smell wonderful! I also got Queen Anne BLUEBERRY cordials! I thought that sounded good! When I got home I tried one and they are delish! I also bought the new "A-Team" movie because it was $5. I also got myself body spray only it turned out to be $7 which sucked, but I was commited to getting it. I just have to be careful with the money I have left. I hate being spontaneous like that, but I think it was a good thing. It's vanilla brown sugar or burnt sugar. Whatever it smells wonderful!

Now I'm going to TRY to go to sleep. Maybe I can. I hope I can. But like always, we'll see what happens. It's been a decent day. But lots of shopping. LOL!

Always Tired But Getting Things Done

I haven't really done much today. I had trouble sleeping last night regardless how tired I was. This is getting to be a habit. Then when I try to sleep I can't because I slept late and then went I get tired again it starts all over again. It sucks. I suppose I'm just going to have to start waking up at a certain time and maybe I'll start going to sleep at a certain time, though it hasn't happened in a long time.

Anyway, I didn't get up until 3:00pm. After that, Jordan and I had to go up to Grossmont to get my mother's tabs for her diabetes. Then after that, I had to go to the grocery store. I needed to pick up ranch dressing and butter. I actually had to call my mom to remember the butter. It just wouldn't come to me. I love cell phones. LOL!

After we got home Jordan, Taylor and George took off to go to Cowles Mountain. I played on the computer for awhile on Cafemom posting mostly on "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and then just checking out some of my other groups. Then I headed out to my therapy appointment. I swung by McDonald's and got a soda. I encountered more pain in the ass drivers, but it wasn't as bad as the other day. But it had taken me longer to get there than I would have liked because of the line at McDonald's. But I got there in plenty of time for my appointment.

Therapy went well. The being tired thing has been around for awhile. Oh I also know the gastric bypass Doctor's office got my paperwork. I need to contact them because there was some kind of question about my insurance. I guess I'll try to call Friday, or on Monday. I hope there's no problem because that would be horrible. Anyway, I talked about that and life in general. About the thought intrusions at night about wanting to cut. It was kind of bad last night. I think it's triggered by being so tired and frustrated about not sleeping. Then I talked about Jason and Susan and Cassie, sleeping and not wanting to get up. It might have something to do with me feeling a bit down.

Anyway, after therapy I went to Walmart. My mom gave me money to get us a microwave FINALLY! And I found a good one for $57. I haven't used it yet, but it looks great. My mom is happy with it and that's what really matters. Jordan was too tired to bring it in though and he went to sleep. Taylor brought it in from the car and set it up. My mom was too tired to play with it tonight so she went to bed. It's going to be so nice to have microwave popcorn again!! That's what I'm excited about! LOL! I'll have to help my mom learn how to use this new microwave tomorrow. It's going to be nice to use it to heat stuff for Thanksgiving! Oh and house has smelled so good! My mom made the stuffing today! I can't wait to have Thanksgiving dinner. I am a little bummed that my Thanksgiving with Jason and Susan is going to have to wait until December 10th now, but I'll live. They are kind of financially strapped at the moment and if anyone is going to understand that, it's me!

Well, now I think I'm done playing on Cafemom. I hope I sleep though at this rate I might as well think I won't. I was able to watch a new "Mythbusters" which was awesome. I watched a new "Brad Melzer's Decoded" about Billy the Kid. As much as people think he survived I'm actually thinking he really did die. I wish they would have shown his girlfriend's son because there is enough looks between them that I think it's pretty obvious that her son was Billy's. I saw that in another TV show. Now I have "Ghost Hunters" on, but I think this is a repeat.

I think maybe it's time to chill out and relax. Maybe I'll sleep. Maybe I won't. We'll see.

A Day in PJ's

I actually had to wake up around 11:00am because today was a half day for Cassie. I was there to pick her up around 11:30am after I got my coffee. What's cool is that I haven't gotten dressed. I've been in my PJs all day long. They look like clothes so there's no issue about it. Cassie took about 10-15 minutes to get to the car. From there we went home. She was hungry so I cooked her a couple of hamburger patties and I had her fix me more coffee considering she drank over half of mine! LOL! It wasn't long after that that my mom fixed Jordan and I hamburgers. I love pickles and there was plenty on my burger. After that Cassie, Jordan and I watched totheark on YouTube. Then Cassie and I watched Marble Hornet on YouTube about Slender Man and this crazy story they have going. They are up to 51 episodes so far. Then after that we also tried to look up Fox News footage of Cassie's middle school on Halloween. It took us time, but we did find it!! I THINK I saw Cassie, but she wasn't easy to find. Shortly after that Jason and Susan picked her up.

After that, I had to get going to get to therapy. I didn't have a whole lot going on, but I talked about the gastric bypass and that my real anxiety is getting the surgery denied. And the fact that I have paperwork to still do - two days of what I have been eating and also the diets I've tried. I also talked about being scattered and tired. I do feel so scatter brained and it sucks. It interferes with my ability to write. Concentration on anything is a challenge. It sucks because I really want to finish reading "Passion."

Anyway, Cassie came home just after 8:00pm. She got her laundry out of the dryer. Then she was asking me about what she should wear tomorrow for going to the movies after school. Her and a few of her friends are going to hopefully go see "Paranormal Activity 3." But she just didn't know if she wanted to wear this or that or the other thing. Then she decided to wear her white skinnies but there was a spot so she washed that. Then Jason called and Cassie's therapist at school put Cassie's name down to get a free food basket for Christmas!! I think that's so awesome! But then Jason calls again and is outta whack because Cassie's friend Crystal cut her hair. Obviously the girl didn't do a bad job considering HE didn't notice. But I asked him how he knew anyway and he told me he had a right to check up on his niece and I said yeah, but going through someone's Facebook account. THIS is what aggravates Cassie. She wants to block Susan just for the fact that Jason is always spying on her. I don't blame her, but Susan would get all outta whack if she did it because she did for a couple of days and Susan complained. But I would hate someone checking up on me if I was her age. It's like always having someone over your shoulder staring at everything you do or say. You can't be yourself if you're constantly having to worry about how someone will react when they read what you say. Wish I could help her with this situation, but she really needs to talk to Susan about it. Maybe Susan would understand, but maybe not.

Well, I guess that's it. I haven't watched that much TV. I did watch the new "Mythbusters" tonight about their top 12 locations they've been to. It was pretty cool to watch. Then I have "Fact or Faked" on, but I haven't gotten into it yet. After that I'm going to watch "Ghost Hunters" unless I fall asleep first. We'll see.

Anyway, I guess that's it. Tomorrow I take Jordan to pick up his game "Skyrim" but I told him we're not leaving until "Burn Notice" is over. I have to have my Michael Weston fix. LOL! Maybe I'll be able to do some reading or writing or both. But I guess we'll see. I am so tired. I hope I sleep well tonight. But that's up in the air too.

Wired!!

I have been so up today!! My mind has been going, going, going! I didn't fall asleep until around 5:30am I woke up at 6:20am and then got Cassie to school. I came home and went back to sleep. I finally woke up around 1:30pm. This seems to be getting to be a pattern and I'm not liking it! Especially since I have a date tomorrow at 10:30am at Taco Bell. I hope I don't have to go while exhausted!

Anyway, I went to pick Cassie up after getting my coffee. But I just couldn't concentrate on anything, but I wanted to talk or do something. It helped that Mark had texted me to see if I got texts. So once I got to Cassie's school I texted him. I also called Nicole but missed her. I called Sherry about the bathing suits, but got her husband John. I called and left a message for Patty. Texted Carlos about Ichigo and Sebastian. I haven't texted them in ages, but I asked about the kitties. He said he'd send me pix tomorrow. But I have just been so excited and wound up! I mean, between thinking of just how great it's going to be to lose weight and that the guy I met at Walmart is really into me - but it scares me a bit. I don't want him to be another Greg, though already he's not. He has a job and he's not addicted to pain pills that I know of. That's something I'm sure we'll talk about. What does worry me a little is he's coming on a bit strong. That might be something I'll talk to him about tomorrow. But so far I really do like him.

So Cassie gets out of school and she tells me she wants to stay and she'll walk home. Turns out she wanted to hang out with her new boyfriend Ben. My mom wasn't happy that she stayed with friends instead of being with me. Ugh! My mom is a pain in the ass. Cassie did eventually come home in plenty of time and decided to come to therapy with me.

Patty also  called back and her and I talked for awhile. It was great talking with her. She has been dealing with stuff but she plans on going back to one of her writing groups. She's had trouble concentrating too. Then she was also congradulating me about the gastric bypass and even said that when I lose weight I could ride in an airplane seat and that she'd get me a ticket or somehow we'd get a ticket. Anyway, it was good to hear from her.

Therapy was good. Cassie waited, did her homework and ended up reading her book. Apparently there were sex scenes in the book. LOL! Well, she would be reading that stuff sooner or later. It's just funny because we were talking about the ways things like that are described in books because she asked and I told her that a guy's part is commonly referred to as a shaft and sure enough in her book it said shaft! LOL! I thought that was so funny! But therapy was good. I'm a little more calm than I was so maybe the high I was one is slowling down. I hope maybe a little because I'm tired and would like to try to sleep tonight. But I got to talk to Dr. Tess and he said that I had lots of good things going on and feeling up was normal though maybe a bit higher. He also said if I fall down that just remember the good things going on. :-)

When we got home my mom had dinner kind of ready. She made quesadillas and ramen noodles with shrimp. It was pretty good. After dinner, I did most of the dishes, but my back started hurting. Jordan didn't eat with us. He'd eaten earlier I guess, because he got to go to "Haunted Trails" at Balboa Park with Alicia tonight. I don't know when they'll be back but sometime tonight. Jason texted me and told me that Alicia was resting in Jordan's arms. :-D How sweet!

Anyway, after dinner, I got back on the computer. I also called Nicole and we got to talk for awhile. I told her about Mark and how I am just so excited about the Gastric Bypass. My life is so going to change and it's dawning on me how much I'll actually be living life. I won't be waiting in the wings anymore! Jason even said when I lose weight he'll get my Sea World pass back because then I could really go and enjoy it! It's awesome! I know it's going to take time to lose the weight, but I hear it comes off pretty fast. I can hardly wait. I want to get through all these consultations and get the surgery over. I am scared about the surgery, but I guess it's well worth it!

Well, Mark finally gave me another email addy to use for him and sure enough it worked because for some reason his email doesn't like my email addy. Go figure. He's going to reply to it tomorrow morning. Basically it was just telling him about my bipolar and that I have two kids and all that fun stuff. Stuff I'm sure we'll talk about. Other than that, I have been working on my James Bond Fan Fiction. I'm on page 5, but I have a long way to go. I might write a little bit more tonight, but I am definitely getting tired. Of course, I have to be awake to let Jordan in when he finally gets home. I know he's having a great time! :-)

So other than write on my fan fiction I've been chilling out to "Mythbusters" and then I'll probably watch "Penn and Teller's Tell a Lie" then watch "Ghost Hunters" and maybe "Fact or Faked" if I stay up that late. Personally, I wouldn't mind going to sleep now if I could actually fall asleep. But that's highly unlikely.

I can say today has been another great day! We'll see how tomorrow goes!

Life and Other Exhaustive Things

You know I really hate being exhausted all the time. It's getting old and it's giving me depression. On the other hand, I am still managing to do stuff. I woke up this morning - Cassie was already awake - grabbed coffee, took Cassie to school, came back, chilled out for a bit and then I went to the store. I knew I wanted to get something sweet and cakey like I always do - but shouldn't have! LOL! I ended up with water, Cottage cheese with strawberry and two boxes of dounuts. I also had to get stamps for my mom. Then after that, I went to get a money order so I could mail off my car insurance only to be told they couldn't do it until 10:00am. It was frustrating. But I just went out to the car, ate the cottage cheese with strawberry and wrote in my schedule book. One or two and time was done.

When I went back into Albertson's to get the money order, they had trouble getting the machine working. LOL! It's one of those days. I said the wrong amount of money the first time, but we got it right eventually. I was never so happy as when I got the money order filled out, in the envelope and mailed!! Going home, I tried to stay up for a bit, but I was getting so tired. By 11:00am I start crashing. Maybe I'll have to try more coffee around that time and see if that helps, because usually I lay down and try to take a nap. Today I actually did sleep for a bit. It was hard to wake up a bit, but I did and went to go get Cassie. Rather than work on the schedule I did some reading instead. I got a chapter or so farther into "Cowboys & Aliens."

When Cassie got out of school we went home and started working on her homework. I couldn't really help her with her math. I have forgotten how to do fractions. Then there was a history paper she needed to finish. She did that. Then there was another history paper that said right on it to do in class and she was adamant that he sent it home for homework! Guess she'll find out tomorrow. But she took what she couldn't do to Jason and Susan's and for the most part did the rest of her homework there. Susan came and picked her up early - 3:30pm, but that was fine with me. It gave me time to run off my manuscript - not the formatted one, but I just need the story for the synopsis. I haven't really worked on it. I wrote a couple of things down, but not sure I'm going to use any of it. Tomorrow I'll started working on it in the morning. I just get so tired in the evenings now, even though I still don't go to sleep early. It SUCKS! I toss and turn for hours!! Ugh!

Not only did I run off the book, I watched a few episodes of "Fact or Faked" and then I also headed out to therapy. I spent time talking about Cassie and the schedule and how she seems to be thriving despite not being as happy about circumstances as I am. I talked about being tired, depressed yet still getting things done. And I talked about my writing. I need to maybe look over a couple of things again for the synopsis, but tomorrow I really need to get to it. I really want to move forward with my writing. If I could just get one person to read it and like it I would be happy! I just want to see my writing in print that people can buy. I want to be able to say "I DID IT!" Of course, getting a little money would be nice too. 

Anyway, I came home, ate dinner and went to my room, getting on the computer, but I am so tired!! So instead I just kind of farted around with different websites and different searches. I do still think of Denise and I know it's kind of cruel, though part of me really would just want to share this, not to rub her nose in it, that I got published. I would post it somewhere real obvious or literally send it to her. She would take it bad though. But I still think about her and there are times I still miss her. But you know, things are the way they are. And I'm looking forward, not backward.

Okay, well, I'm going to take my meds, watch the rest of "Ghost Hunters" and then TRY to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be a fresh day!

So Far So Good

Well, so far things have been good. I woke Cassie up at 6:00am which was too early for both of us, so I reset the alarm for 6:35am. She got up easily for me. I made coffee while she started getting her clothes together to get on. She didn't want to eat anything but I had her take a granola bar with her - she ended not eating it until after school. LOL! But it was nice. There was no fighting, no arguing. She just got up and got ready. I gave her some of my coffee too. Then I figured I wasn't going to take her to school until 7:10am, but she wanted to go before 7:00am. She was meeting her friends. I thought that was cool. She told me she loved me when she got out of the car. It was awesome!

After that, I went home long enough to change. Then I grabbed the shopping list and made the decision to go to the Santee Walmart. Which was a really good decision. The only thing they didn't have that I wanted was my cherry cheese danishes. But I got cheese danishes instead. But they're not as good. So I want to go up to the La Mesa Walmart and get them, though I shouldn't. They're really not good for me, but I want them so bad. I am so compulsive! But I'm not as stressed which hopefully means I won't eat TONS of stuff at a time.

It was great though. I got chicken, a box of beef patties, cheese . . . they even had some fruits and veggies there, but I didn't get any of that. I almost bought a pineapple though. Maybe if I go back I'll get one. I thought that was pretty cool!

When I got home I didn't have much to do. I helped put away stuff until my back just couldn't handle it anymore. I then laid down to watch TV. There wasn't much on except something on the history channel about comic book super heros and how comics have changed over the years. It was interesting enough, but I was so tired I fell asleep. My mom woke me up, then Jordan came in when the alarm started going off. It was HARD to wake up. I must have been sleeping deep. I have been exhausted since. Hopefully I'll stay awake for "Ghost Hunters" but I don't know. I am so tired!

Anyway, I picked up Cassie from school. She seemed happy enough. She was back with Zeke again. I was nice enough to take him home again. Then when we got home I had Cassie do her homework. It was a fun project where she had a puzzle piece looking paper and she had to put a pic of herself, a few sentences about herself, a science quesstion and her name. I let her put on music while she did it. But I had the computer, so I surfed my websites and just kept an eye on her. Soon enough Jason and Susan were there to get her.

I have to admit that I really LOVE this time with her again. I have missed being with her every day. I love her so much.

Anyway, I went to therapy, which was a good thing. Found out I still have A LOT of unresolved anger at John. But I am optimistic about having Cassie and her getting used to this in time. But I am worried that she's going to come home crying again. It kills me to see her cry. And she should be home anytime within the next half hour.

I was going to go to the Hostess Outlet Store - which would have been a bad thing too, I think. LOL! So it was a good thing they were closed! But I had to check. When I got home my mom had dinner ready. I didn't see the salad, but there were fish sticks and quesadillas! Yum! I enjoyed the combo. I have been drinking water and soda. Soda probably isn't that great, but I do love my Diet Dr. Pepper. In fact, I had grabbed a bottle at Walmart this morning. I was so thirsty I drank like a third of the bottle without stopping and usually I can't do that with soda. Guess it goes to show you what you can do when you're thirsty!

Well, with luck Cassie will be okay when she comes home tonight, but I guess I'll have to prepare for the worst case. Then when she's settled, I'm going to go to sleep!

Up and Down and Around

Well, I guess I'm not Richard's match because I haven't heard from him since my last email. I'm guessing he's a bit of a coward and rather then just say something to me, he'd rather just leave me alone. That's fine. It was giving me anxiety dealing with him anyway. Though I might write him tomorrow and just clairify things. I want closure. If you don't like me anymore, FINE. Just say something. Either way it will be a rejection for just get it over with, right? Anyway, I wasn't really invested in it so not that big of a deal. But it doesn't do anything for my self-esteem. That's for sure.

Other than that, I went to Walmart today. I had to pick up some milk, bread and salad dressing. I also got a box of the cherry cream cheese danishes. I gave Jordan two of them. I've eaten two, but I have a feeling I'll be eating the other two tonight. After that, I came home for awhile. I did more reading on "Bella and the Merciless Sheik," and it got hot! LOL! Then about 4:25pm, I headed out to go to therapy. I stopped and got a soda from McDonald's then headed to therapy. I sat down to read and I saw a National Geographic magazine that had a picture of a Spirit Bear. OMG! I didn't even know there was such a thing and it was BEAUTIFUL!! Then I read that they want to put a oil pipeline through it and it almost made me cry. Of course, I think I might be PMSing. Still, they are so beautiful and I don't want their habitat ruined!! After that, I read more of my book. I would have cried had I continued to read the other.

Therapy went well, but I keep going up and down. I think I might be rapid cycling. I feel like I'm going up, then down. I was down, then I felt up earlier and now I'm back down! Ugh!! It's maddening. I HATE it! So I'm going to hopefully work on cleaning my corner up and then do some editing. I want to edit. I want to get my book published. Before I can go anywhere though, it has to be edited. I need to focus on that.

Anyway, dinner was simple, but it was nice that my mom made salad and rice. I used BBQ sauce on the chicken and the rice. I guess my palate must be more sensitive now or something because the BBQ sauce made my nose run and my mouth burn. I was surprised by how much. I mean it was my favorite BBQ sauce - KC Masterpiece!

After dinner, I played on Cafemom and YouTube. I had to look up videos for "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" For the Music Videos Forum and the Humor Forum. I also spent time look up some of the Stargate: Atlantis - Michael vids. Some are songs I forgot that I jused to love like "Crashed" and "I'm Still Here." Anyway, I'm also watching "Ghost Hunters International" then after that I'm going to be watching "Legend Quest."

I don't feel really well at the moment. It sucks. It's just this underlying anxiety/depression. I have to pull myself together and just get myself going. I have to get passed the "I don't feel like it" and get to the "Just do it" stage. Hopefully tomorrow will prove to be a "Just Do IT" day. But I guess we'll see tomorrow.

So Far So Good!

Well, my positive streak is continuing! Though it was hard, I woke up early - 8:30am. I drank a 5-hour energy, grabbed a water and headed out to class. First class was Coping Skills which was awesome. We started talking about what's been helpful to cope with things and my response, of course, was GRAPES! I got to say and explain what it was. It was awsome!! Kimberly was there. It was great to see her. Russell was awesome too. He went to the community meeting and made sure to mention to them they had to keep one of the old chairs because I couldn't fit into the new chairs. That was really cool. I couldn't be without a chair. The second group was Cognitive Therapy. It wasn't as good as the first group this time. They were doing Thought Distortions and Antidotes for them. It was okay, but not that useful for me. I guess because I try to say positive things to myself. I know it won't always be easy, but for now I'm doing well. I also ate 3 1/2 starbuck's goodies that were brought in. It was so good though I probably shouldn't have had so much. They're hard to resist though, not that I was trying to! LOL! Before I left Kimberly gave me a hug. She's so cool! And I'm not a touchy-feely kind of person except with my kids, but when I see her, I want to give her a hug! It's cool. I think her and I are becoming friends!

Anyway, I came home and played on the computer for a bit. We had a very early dinner or late lunch. I also did my stretches. Then I went to therapy. My mom was nice enough to give me a $1.00 so I could get a drink at McDonald's on my way. Of course, they were out of Diet Dr. Pepper. They asked if I wanted Diet Coke . . . Ick! So I went ahead and got a regular Dr. Pepper. 

Therapy went well. I did talk a little about how I feel as a parent and how I try not to think about it. It does have a tendency to bring me down. But I also know I did what I could. We touched on the fact that I had a bad episode with the bipolar when I didn't know what was happening to me. I was traumatized by it. I know I was. Also talked about faith and how I just don't know if I believe in God anymore. I believe in life after death though. I believe maybe there could be a Higher Power. I just don't know. But all in all, I am doing well even with the fact my sister is coming. RI tool - To Know Is Not To Know. I don't know how things will be when she's here. It could go well. I just need Jordan to be out of the house. 

After that I came home, I went and watched TV. My mom was nice enough to make another dinner - meat and beans quesadillas. It was good! After that I went back to watching TV. Jordan had the computer and I got him to take a shower. I told him he could keep the computer until 10:30pm. I continued watching TV; a special episode of "Ghost Hunters" at 8:00pm. Josh Gates was a guest investigator. It was awesome. They were at some museum. I can't remember if it was aerospace or just planes. Can't remember what it was called, but it was great! Then I watched "Haunted Collector." It's a new show and seems pretty interesting. It's kind of like Ghost Hunters, but he tries to find a haunted object. Then after that was "Hollywood Treasure" back for it's second season. It's a great show. It's so cool to see what he is able to find and put up for auction. Not that I could ever buy anything, though I have seen some stuff I would love to have, of course. I think I'll watch those last two episodes next week.

I also decided to rejoin Cafemom. I haven't done much. I haven't joined any groups yet. I'm going slow because I don't want to be overwhelmed again like I was last time. Needless to say, I probably won't make any groups. Not that I can say for sure I won't, but I know I felt so overwhelmed by all the groups I was involved with and how many I had by myself. It was crazy how my other account was. I'll play more with it tomorrow as I finish up my Favorite things. 

Anyway, I think that's it for this entry. I am very tired and still need to set the alarm. I'm happy with my day. I completed my GRAPES and I just met some goals like the stretches and getting Jordan to take a shower. And on that note it's time for bed.

      

Feeling Like a Roley Poley

Not much really went on today. I didn't go to class like I should have. My nose was and is giving me trouble so I had a hard time sleeping. So I just decided I'd sleep today. Plus I wanted to make sure I had enough fuel to get to my therapist and back. I ended up not waking up until 2:30pm or so. I was still tired, but I got myself up. Once I woke up, I took my meds and did some stuff in my room. I did steal about .80 cents from my mom. I shouldn't steal anything, but I wanted to get a drink from McDonald's on my way to therapy. Turned out I had enough in change to get a drink or two and enough for crickets this week. So as I was dressed and it got to be that time, I went and got my drink and headed to see Dr. Tess.

In his waiting room, I heard my cell phone beep to let me know I had gotten a text only I couldn't find my phone. I started looking through my purse and around me when Dr. Tess called me back. I figured it was in there somewhere so I let it go at that. I ended up talking a lot about going to Greg's because of Diana and how her coming out and me having to leave has made me feel. I don't like how it makes me feel, but Dr. Tess did point out it could be worse. She could be MOVING BACK! That would really be bad. So that kind of puts things in perspective. Plus it's just a month. There's part of me that's afraid if I move out they won't let me back in, but I don't know. I think that's just irrational on my part. It's the fact I don't trust Diana. It's as simple as that. Other than that we laughed about how the world is going to end on Saturday. What a load of crap. LOL! I told him about when I was in junior high and there were two things that had gone around my school - different years. One was that Southern California was going to fall into the ocean on a certain day. I thought it was a load of crap then and I was young! The other one is funnier. The planets were going to align (like they'd never done it before) and that the Earth was going to explode! LOL! I was like, well, if it happens I don't have to go to next class! That's kind of been my attitude about it. Plus, if you're a Christian, it says in the Bible no man shall know the day. And to be honest, 2012 is a little scary for me, but then I think about it if the Maya were so smart and could predict the future how come they didn't predict their own demise? Then Dr. Tess told me that from what he knew, the only reason the Maya Calendar didn't go further was they ran out of room on whatever rock or wall or whatever it had been written on. That made me feel even better. But this crap about Saturday . . . what a crock! LOL! Then I look through my purse as I'm getting ready to leave and I don't see my phone. I look around where I was sitting and in the waiting room. Nothing. I go to my car and pull out EVERYTHING from my purse and it's not there. I was almost frantic, but I knew my phone wouldn't have walked away. So I went back to the waiting room and checked the cushions on the couch again then I decided to look under the couch and BOOM! There is was! So that was my excitement for the day!

After that, I went to Greg's and he took me out to dinner. OMG! We went to Lido's, which I'd never been to before - I think. My dad might have taken us YEARS ago, like when I was a kid. Maybe. But Greg got us meatball pizza, he had a full order of canneloni. I had a full order of Lasanga. They came with salad and garlic bread. YUM!! Also got a few long island iced teas. I didn't eat everything. In fact, I wanted to make sure I had room for a cannoli and the cannoli was awesome. Even Greg took a bite or two and enjoyed it. He also ordered a full order or lasagna for Jordan. By the time I was done I was FULL! I felt like a weeble wobble or a Roley Poley! I felt like if I laid down I ccould be rolled like a ball! LOL! We then went back to his place and I watched "When in Rome" which is a great movie! I want it for my collection one of these days. 

So all is fine and good. I leave feeling pretty good. I make it all the way home without an issue. Get home. Get to my room. Turn on my TV . . . there's sound . . . BUT NO PICTURE!! My TV gave me no warning it was going to do that, so now I have to figure out what I'm going to do. I have to put the old TV back in here because my TV is now busted and I don't know where my other TV is, so I can't do anything about using the other one I have. Ugh! I am irritated, but at least I do have another TV I can use. It's my dad's old TV. It was giving me trouble too, but I have to have something. I am a TV addict.

Anyway, I really am irritated by the TV. I hope I sleep tonight without the TV. I can run my DVD, but I'll just be listening. Not watching. We'll see if that works or not. It's been awhile since I have slept in total darkness. It'll be intereting if nothing else. It's just so very aggravating. Guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

    

Sleepy But Great!!!

Today is another happy day for me which is awesome!! I was disappointed because my money still hasn't come in. I checked at midnight. I checked at 1:30am and then this afternoon. Nothing, nothing, nothing . . . I finally called to find out what the hold up was. Apparently my case was still frozen!! Ugh! But the woman I spoke with (her name was Laura) was very nice and helpful and authorized my money. I won't get it until tomorrow, but I'll FINALLY have it! I'm looking forward to shopping. I'm not going to go crazy - I have a list. But I am excited - especially about getting make-up! LOL! I know, go figure. It's not like I wear make-up often. But I want the option!! 

Anyway, I got up at 9:00am. Thought class was at 9:30am for some reason. I almost didn't go, but I finally got up and went. Of course, I was half an hour late! :-P But they didn't mind. The only time they do mind is in process group. But that's group therapy. You don't want people walking in and out with that kind of group. 

I was going to stay for Cognitive Therapy, but I got a call from the school nurse. She said Cassie was tired and not feeling well and she was going to send her home. So I went and picked her up. Her and I were both exhausted so we laid down for a little bit. Neither of us slept, but we just relaxed. Then after awhile she got my laptop from Jordan so I could show her a picture of Kate Middleton's wedding dress and then the pic of Osama bin Laden with the red x on his forehead with "Hide and Seek Champion 2001-2011" and she thought it was funny. Then she shared some funny stuff people were posting about Osama bin Laden. Most if them making fun of the fact that he was buried at sea like "Guest Star on Little Mermaid - Osama bin Laden!" I don't think that was quite right, but something like that. Wish I could remember them because they made me laugh. Cassie didn't stay too terribly long, but I enjoyed the time we had. Then I called Susan to make sure she wasn't angry with Cassie and we got to talking and even she said that she was happy to see me like my old self again! It's awesome people notice. I really feel so great! 

After that I took a little nap and woke up in time to get money from my mom (I'm paying her back tomorrow). That way I could go to McDonald's and get a Diet Dr. Pepper. I also got two pies for a dollar. It was a nice treat. But also I needed to get Borax for my mom on the way home from therapy.

Therapy was great! I got to gush about how I was feeling and what I was doing. Also the stuff that was a bummer, but I wasn't that unhappy about anything. The most I can say is stressed and just tired. Even now I'm very exhausted and plan to go to sleep by 9:00pm, I think. Maybe . . . I am just so tired! But so happy and it's so good to say that!! I love this feeling and I haven't truly had it in so long!! I haven't worked on my stories today, but when I'm this tired my brain doesn't function well for writing. But I got to tell him my ideas and how thrilled I was to go back to my original writing. It's really like a door was opened and I had access to that passionate part of my mind again! It really is awesome!

I went to Walmart for the Borax. Turned out it wasn't there. They didn't have any. However, they did have chocolate covered marshmallow Easter candy on sale for 50 cents and 25 cents per container! I couldn't resist getting some! So after that I went to Albertson's. I got a bottle of water and found the Borax. I had to pee and didn't want to use the bathroom there. Not for any particular reason. I just get weird about it sometimes and today was one of those days. So I paid for my stuff and got the hell outta there and go home. I was REALLY happy when I got into the house and to the bathroom. LOL! When I got out of there I was treated to a Steak Dinner!!! YUM!!! It was so good! And the steak was huge! I definitely enjoyed it. Afterwards I put my plate in the sink, putting away clean dishes and put the last steak and corn on the cob away.

The last things on my list were writing to my Aussie! Which I did! In fact, he wrote me back last night and it was awesome! I love to hear from him. Even if it's just a hello, he makes me smile and last night was a little longer than that, but not a full on email. He just didn't have the time. But God I love to hear from him!! My heart beats just a little faster and my smile gets a little brighter when I see his name in my inbox! Then I wanted to write this. After that, I'm just going to take my night meds and watch the "Fact or Faked" marathon. But mostly I want to sleep. Tomorrow I'll have my money. I'll be able to go shopping. Hopefully I'll hear from my beloved Aussie and maybe I'll get more writing done.

Anyway, that's the story and I'm sticking to it! LOL!

Some Days Just Aren't Worth It

You know, the day started pretty well. I got up even though I didn't want to. I had a hard time getting to sleep so I was really tired, but since I'd already used a 5-hour energy yesterday I didn't want to use one today. I have to stagger them or they just don't work as effectively. So I got up, got dressed, took my morning medication, got my coffee and got ready to go. Before I left my mother was nice enough to give me $20 for fuel. I can't believe how expensive it's getting. I don't know what's going to happen when I can't afford fuel. That's going to be a very bad day. Anyway, I stopped to get fuel on the way to my Heartland classes. Today was Coping Skills followed by CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I always participate and I got to share something that had happened to me the other night. I don't know what triggered it, other than a bad few days, but my mind started telling me how horrible I was and it wouldn't stop - You're ugly. You're fat. You're a failure. You're a bad mother . . . I had to create positive statements to counter those - I am a good person. I am a loving mother. I am a good parent. I am beautiful inside . . . I didn't feel a whole lot better after doing it, but at least it got out of me, if that makes sense. I felt better in that way - less pressure in my chest.

After class I returned home and Cassie was leaving. I told her I loved her. Gave her a hug and kiss and then she left. Then I remembered Food for Cash. I needed the money for my insurance. I have to get the money order tomorrow and get it out in the mail and pray it gets there on time. But anyway I asked Susan if she could do it. She said yes. Then the next thing I know Jason is starting to have a fit. Cassie said she wanted to come back over. I was like okay. Then everything blew up. Jason started being an asshole and DELIBERATELY hurt me over and over today. And I know what his malfunction is. Cassie wasn't to come to me so he feels threatened. He wants to control her, but you know what? I'm her mother and I have final say! Put he kept putting me down. I tried to explain he was upsetting me to the point I had to take an ativan and made a comment about me turning to drugs really outright mean. At that point Cassie called him and told him off for insinuating that I was a drug abuser and for him talking to me like that period. I kept telling him to leave me alone. He wouldn't. At one point I must have said something like I was tired or I have really been worn down or whatever and he texts me back "Poor, poor me." It's his way of telling me I'm playing a victim - like he doesn't. So I wrote him back and said "Fuck, fuck you, asshole." Then he threated to take the phone away and just kept trying to destroy me emotionally. I didn't do ANYTHING to warrant even one BIT of THIS! I wanted to cry. I wanted to cut on myself. I wanted to slash my wrists - not to kill myself. I just don't cope with overwhelming emotional pain well. But I haven't given in yet. I'm hanging tight or trying. He's not worth it. But it's not really about him. It's about how I'm feeling. However, now it's the "I'm sorry," phase where he is going to apologize. He said "It was just a bad day and I lashed out. I'm sorry." Guess what? I don't care what kind of fucking day he had. I am tired of his shit. I am still so upset that he needs to leave me alone for a long time. I'm thinking at least a week - even if and when Cassie goes back. I am tired of him pulling shit like this and then him just thinking because he says sorry that it makes it okay. This time I KNOW I didn't do shit and he emotionally battered me for hours. I didn't deserve that. I don't give a shit what was going on with him. Right now, I HATE him and I don't say that lightly. I don't think I will ever emotionally trust him again. I  may never want to text him again or anything. I loved him like a brother, but I don't think I can just get over this. He's done it once too often and so I am DONE! He'll get angry because I won't forgive him, but oh well. Then he shouldn't have acted like an asshole just because he was having a "Really bad day." Asshole. Fucker. Emotional Abuser . . .

It was probably a good thing I had my therapy session today. At least I didn't have a lack of subject matter. Not that I ever really do, but still. I guess it was good to talk a lot of it out, but there isn't forgiveness in my heart yet and there may not be. But my therapist listened and acknowledged that Jason has come up a lot more in recent months as a problem for me in one way or another and usually his FUCKING ATTITUDE! I am so tired of it and of him. I don't think I'll talk to him. I'll talk to Susan, but I won't talk to him and if he calls on Susan's phone I think I'll just hang up on him. I don't want to talk to him after what he did. And I don't think I should have to.

Anyway, while I was gone Greg took Cassie to Guitar Center and bought himself a brand new guitar. An awesome one apparently. He bought what he needed for Cassie's acoustic guitar. Then he called and said he was going to get rid of a lot of his guitars and it turns out Cassie might get one if she pulls weeds for him from the hill. But she HAS to take care of them. He's going to teach her to play. She's already thinking about what songs she wants to learn. I think it's cool. I want her to play an instrument. Violin didn't suit her.

I also took my mom to get her nails done. I took Cassie to Gamestop to turn in some of her old games. She got something like $46 in store credit so she bought two games for her DS that she'd been wanting and she still has about $7 left. I think that's cool too.

After we got home from therapy my mother had spaghetti for us with sausage links. It was yummy. Cassie cleared and wiped down the table. Jordan did dishes - I think. Cassie and I also ended up going to the store to get milk, cereal and then soda. Jordan gave me $4 to get Dad's Cream Soda. I ended up getting one for him. One for his friend George. One for Cassie and one for me! It was 4 for $5. It worked. And then I found out I still have $16 left on my food card so I can get Easter stuff for the kids!! Yeah! Cassie wants fruit which I think is AWESOME!! So that's something I'll have to do this week - shop for Easter.

Anyway, I am still hurt. I'm still upset. Jason tried to call me twice and I didn't pick up, of course. He'll get the hint eventually if he hasn't figured it out yet. But now I'm going to finish watching "Ghost Hunters" which I believe is the mid season finale. Then if I'm still alive I'll take my night meds with an extra ativan or two and watch "Fact or Faked," but we'll see. Either way, I got to set the alarm. If I sleep I just hope tomorrow is a better day.

Vent, Vent . . . Vent, Vent Vent . . . Vent, Vent . . .

I managed to wake up this morning though I didn't want to. I didn't take anything to help. I just dealt with it. I got dressed and then I took back my computer from Jordan's room because I wanted to check my email. Sure enough I heard from my Aussie. He always makes me feel better so that was nice. I'm hoping I can think straight enough after this to write him another quick email.

I left to Heartland early because I wanted to stop by McDonald's and grab something to eat. I got a Sausage McMuffin and an Xtra large Diet Dr. Pepper. That was the extent of my caffeine. Then I got there before 8:30am thinking that the class started at 8:30am, when in reality it starts at 9:00am. I was standing around for awhile. But then the door opened and I went inside for Coping Skills and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. The classes were good and it was nice to be around other people with mental disabilities again. It's just you know they understand stuff. Anyway, after that I went home. I was exhausted and ended up laying down. I think I checked a couple of things online, but I was just too tired to go onto AIM or MSN to write with Patty B. Instead, I just napped until about 4:00pm. I didn't really sleep. It was more like dozing because I'm still really, really tired.

I had to get up because I had a therapy appointment and I sure as hell wasn't going to miss it! Especially with the fact that I had that Medical Exemption form for him to fill out and fax to my Welfare to Work worker. Then on the way there Jason called me and ranted about Susan's mom. She wrote them a nasty email. Susan wrote her back placating and that she was sorry - again. Jason wrote her and said that she was poisoning the girls. That she was bitter. He didn't write it mean, but more to the point. I don't think he's out of line at all with the way that psycho bitch acts, but it's not going to win any points and might make things worse for Susan. That's my only concern. But I absolutely HATE this woman. I HATE her with a passion and the more she hurts Susan, the more I hate that Psycho Bitch. What mother hires a lawyer to take your kids away for you? What grandmother makes her grandchildren call her MOM? It's sick! She's sick in my opinion. She gets pleasure from hurting Susan and what's sad is the youngest girl Samantha is turning out just like the bitch. I think she's going to find out the world doesn't work her grandmother's way. But whatever. She can decide how she wants to treat others and she'll get treated accordingly. I just hate that woman. She should have NEVER been a mother in any capacity of the word. Yeah, I'm ticked off . . . just a little! :-P

So I went to see my therapist and ranted about the Welfare to Work situation and a lot about Susan's Psycho Bitch mom. We talked about my anxiety and how it manifests. That's fun! I left with my chest hurting. It sucked. But once I got home I had dinner and relaxed watching TV I felt better. Except I have also been having tooth pain. I'm thinking it's abscessing again which means I need to see the doctor. I guess it will depend on how things go tomorrow as for when I go see a doctor. Maybe I'll go straight after my classes at Heartland tomorrow. I'll have to get some lunch though. 

Anyway, I'm hoping I sleep tonight. That this crap won't bother me so much now that I've been able to vent about it so much today. That would be nice. I've already watched "Ghost Hunters" and I'm watching "Fact or Faked" right now. I think after this, I'm going to finish watching this show and then write my Aussie an email and then try to sleep. That's the plan anyway.

Oh What a Day!

Today was an important day or rather this morning I had an important appointment and I almost slept through it!! Thank God Susan was going with me and she called and woke me up. Otherwise I would have missed Cassie's IEP meeting (Individual Education Program). If I had missed it, it would have been two important appointments I would have missed. I don't know why my memory is sucking at the moment. It's bothering me a lot. There's no reason I should be scattered. None of my meds have been changed. I'm not under any specific stress. I was depressed but it eased up . . . so I don't know why I'm so scatter-brained.

Anyway, the IEP meeting went pretty well. Cassie's being moved out of Mrs. Mann's math class. Frankly Cassie doesn't like the woman and neither do I. Even Susan said there was something about her she didn't like. I didn't really pick up a bad vibe from her, but there is something that gives Cassie anxiety about her, so as far as I'm concerned that's enough for me to want Cass out of her class. So now she'll be in a smaller class and have more individualized attention. It's what she needs for Math. However, we also found out she'd been lying about doing homework. She'd say she didn't have any and it turned out she did!! So next week during Spring Break (which I'm pissed that it's not the week of Easter) she's going to catch up with her history and English. She doesn't have to worry about Math now since her class is being changed. Susan is going to make sure she gets that missing work done so that next grading period her grade will pull up because right now she's still failing which sucks because she's way smarter than that. But either way, it was a positive meeting. The couselor is putting in for AB2726 or whatever it is. It's basically therapy through the school district.  And that's if the program is even going to be continuing. But with Cassie's anxiety she really needs the help. I'm also going to ask her current therapist about getting a psychiatrist for the anxiety. Maybe they can put her on paxil like me. It's an anti-depressant, but it also works for anxiety. Guess we'll see what happens.

Since then I have been so tired. Jordan and I tried to take the bottles and cans in to get recycled and guess what?? The place was closed! I actually called the company that runs the place and they told me someone didn't come in to work, but that someone would be there tomorrow. I hope so! I want to take that stuff in. Get it out of my car and get some cash for it. We also have glass to take. I should get a decent amount for it. Jordan wants a cheeseburger so I promised him that. The rest will go for fuel . . . well, maybe a cheeseburger for me too! LOL! I was just so frustrated that they weren't open, but you know what? Shit happens. Tomorrow they'll be open!

I didn't write with Patty B today. I really just didn't feel up to it. I guess because I'm so freakin' tired. So instead I just worked on my schedule. I think I'm up to the end of September 2011. I'd like to be in December, but I'm working on it. I'll just keep going a little bit every day. I am still aggravated by that, but like I said before - shit happens.

Well, my mother made dinner. We had polish sausage, hashbrown potatoes and green beans. I made Jordan a plate because he asked me to. The best was the hashbrowns. My mom wants to get more of them since they were a hit with all of us. I ate mine with some BBQ sauce. Mmmmmm! I was pretty full after dinner. I still crave sugar though. Ah well.

After dinner I went back to my room and I watched reruns of "Destination Truth" before the new one came on and then "Marcel's Quantum Kitchen." I love these shows. I do have to say that "Marcel's Quantum Kitchen" really is a very cool show. I don't know how well it's doing with ratings, but I sure would like to see more of the show. But I do know SyFy isn't exactly the Food Network.

While writing this, Karissa growling in her sleep again. She growled a few times. I didn't wake her and now she's half awake, stretched across my size of the bed. LOL! Then when Cassie came home long enough to grab one of her school books Karissa meowed at her when she came in. Then she moewed as Jordan came in. She got petties from everyone. LOL! She is a very sweet and very spoiled baby kitty.

Anyway, I'm taking my meds and going to sleep. I am TIRED! Tomorrow I have to think about going downtown. Ick. I don't know. Guess we'll find out. Time for bed and stop thinking about crap.

The Darkness Creeping Back a Little

It's been a bit of a long day. Not long as in starting at dawn, but me just being tired and feeling the depression slowly creeping back. It's not bad, but it's there and I noticed it getting worse tonight. I did see Dr. Tess today. It's good to have a therapist. I talked about everything that had gone on over the last couple of weeks and the one thing he pointed out to me is that everyone I care about has something going on. Jason feels like no one needs him. Cassie has been having anxiety and just emotional issues - especially where Jason is concerned. Susan is missing Christopher badly. Good news is he's been seen in the neighborhood. In fact, I saw him around 3:00am. Karissa was growling at him through the window. But once I opened the door he took off running. :-( It was very disheartening. Then Greg's friend Ed Buddy died from his lukemia. He lost the battle yesterday. Of course, the guy abused all kinds of drugs. I'm really surprised he lived as long as he did. Then my mother is always stressed about the house and Jordan wants to move out and I'm already looking ahead at the loss. If it works out, that is. I don't know. I am just feeling rundown. I guess he's right in the fact that it can all contribute to how I feel. I mean, I love everyone and I hate when the people I love are hurting.

Anyway, I slept late again. Tomorrow I'm going to get up and go swimming. I'll see how busy Thursdays are. I really haven't done much today. Outside of playing on Facebook and picking Cassie up from school about 30 minutes early. Susan came and got her and she finally took the clothes she got from My Girlfriend's Closet Event with her. Last night Susan colored Cassie's hair to auburn and so I got to see it today and she looks so good! I like the color, but she doesn't want me to have it. LOL! She has to have her own identity. But I'm going to pick out another color I think. I'd like to have hair that's more red in color than orangy or pinkish. I guess I felt a little depressed when she left. It's the first time that's happened in awhile really.

I didn't do any writing today, but I did read over some of the stuff I started. I wanted to run off my newest story so I had a hard copy, but there just wasn't a way. It SUCKED! But I'm going to try it again. Said I needed to look for a program to open it on my old computer. I might also take a look at some new printers. I love my printer, but I don't know. Maybe I can find a good one that uses less ink, though I doubt it. Still, I want to. Because if not, I have to get an adaptor for the laptop. I suppose I should do that anyway. So guess I'll look into that too. It will probably be cheaper too.

Anyway, on the way to therapy to stopped at the Hostess Outlet store. I got bread. We needed it. I got Sour dough and honey wheat. But I also got all kinds of cakey treats. I am so bad. I so shouldn't get this stuff, but I couldn't help it. I got vanilla zingers, twinkies, Raspberry zingers and Suzy Q's. I just hope I don't go through them in record time. As it is, I have gone through almost all the cakey stuff I bought at Walmart. I haven't eaten much of the candy though, so I guess that's a good thing.

My crazy cat keeps going into my corner where I have a ton of stuff piled. She finally managed to get through to what she wanted. Turns out she wanted to get onto the bottom shelf of my book case. LOL! There's only enough room for her to go in and maybe for her turn around and come back out. I had to laugh. I'm just glad she didn't knock over all the DVDs again. :-P I love her so much.

Well, I think that's about it. I have already watched the new "Ghost Hunters" and "Face/Off". They were both entertaining. On "Ghost Hunters" a spirit agreed with Grant and Jason that these antique dolls in this one room was creepy. I thought that was funny. Then on "Face/Off" the make-up artists had to disguise themselves and try to fool loved ones into thinking they're someone else. Most of the make-ups were very awesome and funny. At least I had some good laughs with the TV shows.

Now I'm going to take an ativan and see about going to sleep. Maybe I'll dream about my Ex-Friend and my Ex-Husband again! Goody . . . NOT!!!

Put a Fork in Me! I'm Done!!

I have had a very long day. It's been a pretty good day, but a long one none the less. Though I didn't fall asleep until after 1:00am, I was awake at 6:30am like I said I'd do. I got Jordan up for school, took my 5-hour energy, got coffee and then waited for Cassie. She was supposed to go to school, but she wasn't feeling well. In fact, it was her stomach again. However, Jason and Susan took Cassie to Children's Urgent Care for me because I had a therapy appointment anyway, it turns out Cassie has Sinusitis and an ear infection. All the crap dripping down her throat into her stomach was causing the stomach trouble. Originally I was going to call her doctor and make an appointment and take her in myself. I was going to shoot for an afternoon appointment. The office was supposed to open at 8:30am. But I called for 10 minutes an NO ONE answered. I didn't get a person, voice mail or anything! And because of the time, I had to put it off so I could make it to my water aerobics class. It was very frustrating and pissed me off big time.

Anyway, I did make it to the gym and to my class. This time the class was definitely more of a work-out. In fact, I'm starting to feel it a bit. But I also did my extra 30 minutes of laps too. Then I hit the spa and then the shower. It was after that I finally called the doctor's office again only to find out that they were now booked up. All that left me was Children's Urgent Care.

On the way home I stopped at the store. I was famished!! I hadn't had anything other than coffee so not only did I get milk and cereal that we needed but I also got a cheesy pizza lunchable. It was the first one I've had in at least two years, I think. Maybe more. It was pretty good considering how hungry I was. I scarfed it down rather quickly. I also got water which I needed too since I forgot to take water with me to the gym. 

When I got home I got to spend time with Cassie. I let her play on the computer for awhile why I watched. Then my mom made some ramen noodles for Cassie and I. Then I got onto the computer for awhile. Originally Cassie was going to stay with me well into the evening because Jason and Susan were supposed to go to Disneyland, but they didn't and that's when they took her to Urgent Care for me.

I left about 4:15pm to head to my therapist. I went to get a diet Dr. Pepper from McDonald's and then I was supposed to get fuel, but when I drove by the gas station it was completely packed. Though I was down to 27 miles to empty, I pushed it. I made it there and found a gas station that was cheaper. I went there after my therapy appointment. At least I got a little more fuel than I would have gotten otherwise.

Therapy was good. I did a lot of talking about everything. I've actually been okay emotionally for the most part. I don't think I'm ever completely out of depression, but honestly I have been feeling pretty good. I'm just wondering if I should go to the gym tomorrow too. I might depending on how sore I am. I really like the class in the mornings and it would be something for my ass to get up for. Plus it's good for me. And anything that can help boost my mood . . . in fact, I think one of the reasons the 5-hour energy works so well and lifts my mood is because of all the B vitamins in it. I remember reading somewhere that B vitamins were a mood booster for people with depression. I can say it's worked for me! I just need to get more of those.

Well, other than that, not a lot else going on. I did a little writing today. Not much, but I got about half a page. It's better than none. My mind is working through some of the things that aren't quite as clear as they could be yet. But it's coming along. That's all I can say. My goal is at least half a page a day so at the moment I'm right on track.

Dinner was hot dogs. I know, how fantastic! LOL! But it got the job done. Plus my mother made pineapple upside-down cakes. OMG!! They are so good! I ate two pieces and in all honesty I could eat a whole cake by myself! But I'm going to be good and not get anymore tonight. Now I'm watching the premiere of "Ghost Hunters" and then I think I'm crashing. I am sooooooo tired. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight without too much difficulty. I think I might get lucky this time. LOL!

Tomorrow is sure to be a pretty good day too, I think. Maybe I'll get more writing done. I am not sure it's very good, but as long as I'm writing . . . I mean, that's the point at the moment. Just to keep writing. It's still not coming as easy as it used to, but at least it's coming. It's better than being stuck in the mud.

Okay, that's it. Time for bed . . . goodnight!