To Trust or Not to Trust

Okay, so it's taken me awhile to write another blog entry. I've had some up and down times and I wasn't sure I wanted to post about it or not. Plus, I kept forgetting to write in the mornings because I'm not used to it, but also when I forgot I ended up too tired at night as I've mentioned before. I need to get back to this being about my life. I haven't wanted to post anything about the not so great times lately because I don't want to hurt my friends' feelings should they come across this, but the thing is, this is how I get my emotions out. At least I don't give out full names like other people I have known, but I need to do what's good for my emotional well being.

Not that things have been terrible, but there have been some pretty difficult days. I love Jason, but when he's angry he doesn't care about what he says or who he hurts. Because he's angry he seems to believe he can say whatever he wants. No one else matters, until he realizes that he screwed up. Then he apologizes. The thing is, even if you apologize, which for the most part I accept usually without issue, he's done it enough times that I have felt emotionally drained. I pick up on his moods to try to avoid him when he's in those moods. But it doesn't always work. Then I start having responses that I used to have at my mother's when she was constantly verbally abusing me and having my siblings doing the same thing. I keep to myself. I won't go around him as much as I used to. I get a REALLY strong startle reflex like any big sudden noise I will flinch and a lot of times I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. I mean, I think about what I say before I say it most of the time, because I don't WANT to hurt anyone, but he doesn't and he always apologizes after and then expects to be forgiven as soon as he apologizes. That doesn't happen with me. Sometimes it takes a couple of days. But over this last incident, he really verbally abused me. He started yelling at me because I raised my voice so he could hear me from my room. He literally went off on me. I won't go into the whole details of what he said, but he put me down as a mother and a person, hitting  me in my weak points. Not like everyone doesn't have some, right? But he was brutal about it. I had to take him up with Cassi and her friend Alyssa to Susan's work. I barely spoke to him though he apologized. He's made me cry and that's hard to do and I don't get over stuff like that easily. That seriously eroded my trust in him and he doesn't know that. But you can't just abuse people and expect things to go back to normal. I have forgiven him for the most part, but things won't be the way they were. There is a part of me that will always see him as a threat. Because if he can do that to me once, he can do it to me again. And I will say this isn't the first time. But it had best be the last or I don't know if I can forgive him again. He just acted way too much like my emotionally abusive family.  I guess I might still have some lingering PTSD. It triggered me big time. So many people just don't understand that words can hurt so deeply. Sometimes worse than physical pain, Physical pain can eventually heal - most times. But the emotional and mental abuse will never completely go away.

Then I have been keeping an eye on Cassi. Jason went after her about a week ago too. It had causes a different argument between all of us - Cassi and I against Jason and Susan. I was pissed. Nothing I could really do. I took her out of the house and I was going to take her to a friend's place to stay the night, but she changed her mind and we went back to the apartment. She eventually apologized to them and talked to both of them. But then he started shit again after that week! This last week I have just been so tired of his crap! I mean, Cassi and I aren't perfect, but it always comes down to something hurt him, he's angry about something, he feels slighted . . . But no one else is really allowed to feel that way and if we do he argues it! And God forbid we should act out like he does! Okay, I guess I still have some anger issues to resolve. 

The good thing was that Cassi did get to go up to Knott's Berry Farm for her sweet 16 this last weekend. Jason and Susan were nice enough to take her and Alyssa there. She seemed happy and then yesterday was her actually birthday. She's a Veterans Day baby. She hung out with her friend AJ most of the day. She ha actually wanted to take him and go down to OB. But I didn't have $5 to give them so that AJ could go with her and Jason and Susan don't feel like they should pay for AJ, which I totally understand, but it was Cassi's birthday. But it seemed she had a good day. Jason made Shake N Bake BBQ Chicken with mashed potatoes and broccoli. Then I had bakes her a cake and Susan had picked out some ice cream from the store. But by the time we had the cake and ice cream she was seriously depressed which worried me. Jason and Susan both noticed and were as concerned as I was. I talked to Cass a bit, but she didn't know why she was feeling that way. She went to bed shortly after that. I had forgotten to give her the card I had bought for her, so I got it ready and went out to her to see if she was awake. She was so he read the card and I think it made a little difference. I usually get funny cards, but this was one of the sweet cards and I just told her how much she meant to me. She loved the card and that made me happy. I am going to ask her how she's doing when she gets back this afternoon t gauge how she's feeling today. I am hoping she feels better. I did take a couple of photos, not as many was I would have liked, but when I saw how depressed she was, I just couldn't take that many.

Also, here's something. Within three days, I fell down twice! The first time was in the hall. I think I tripped over my pajama bottoms. They're a size to big for me. But I tried to recover only to la my shouldn't into the wall of my room. I was more shaken up than anything else. I was a bit sore the next day, but I recovered. Then a day after that, I was cleaning out Karissa's litter box, went to get up and one of my legs buckled under me. I slammed my ring finger toe into something and boy did it quickly swell and turn an icky shade of purple. At least my toe nail was fine! It hurt so much that day though. I could barely put pressure on it. I was worried that it was broken, but I realized that the most the doctor could do was tape it to another toe and I thought, what's the point? The next day it was tender, but I would walk on it okay and today, it's back to normal, though not to color! :-) Soon though, I hope!

As for my mood, it's been a bit down myself after this past week of crap. I am doing what I can to stay positive and I believe I am moving forward. I have a parent advocate from Cassi's school that's going to try to see  me once a week to help me manage my emotions and to get more organized. Plus help me find a place to eventually move to. I mean, I make the calls, but she finds me the resources to try. I just wish I could get Section 8 like now, but I could still be waiting for a few years before I get it. Ugh! I do want to move out in the new year. That's one of my goals, but places I've called recently have no open waiting lists or they are no longer low income housing. It sucks and I can only move to certain areas because I can't move away from my resources like Therapy and my Psychiatrist. People tell me to get a new one, but I have been with these people for YEARS!!! At least a decade! I can't just go somewhere else. These people know me. I know them. They listen to me. I have a say in my treatment. I have had some bad Pdocs and Therapists too. I don't want to try to find new people that might end up not as good! I can't afford that with my bipolar II and my anxiety and panic attack disorders. So I am looking at Santee, El Cajon, Spring Valley and La Mesa. That's it. I can get to El Cajon from any of those places without using up a ton of fuel.

As far as today goes I'm a little on the downside. Not too terrible, but enough here I don't feel great. However, I did read my positive statement for the day. Today was that I was grateful for coffee! :-) I am grateful for it! In fact, I drank a bunch of coffee today! Pumpkin Pie Spiced creamer in it! Delish! I was also able to get this done and I think I am going to feel better once I finish and post it. I am extraordinarily tired. I was yesterday morning too. Marissa, the Parent Advocate, was supposed to come over, but she couldn't get into her office so we had to reschedule for Friday. I look forward to her visits. We both get a lot out of them, I think. She had gone through a lot and where she is with her kids is where I am been - kinda. But I think in a lot of ways we support each other. When she comes over we talk for an hour! It is just a bright spot in my day because she really helps me. I have a formula for phone calls now so I can keep track of her I have spoken with and about what and when. It's awesome! She helped me with the idea for the positive statements every day. I want to make more, but sometimes it's not easy to come up with things you like about yourself. I came up with about 20 though and at least 20 things I was grateful for. I think it's important to know what you are blessed with, so you don't forget to be grateful and not just the usual kids, family, friends . . . I'm grateful for good days! I'm grateful to learn. I am grateful for coffee! I am grateful for being able to see the positive even in bad situations. I am grateful for my internal strength. I don't always succeed with the positive statements, but I try and that was Marissa's idea. I had thought about it before, but she inspired me to do it! In fact, I might re-due the cards. Not sure I liked how I did them.

Anyway, I haven't lost my positivity even when I am feeling a little down. I remember that things change. It's the nature of life. Nothing will stay good forever, but it won't stay bad forever either. 

Okay, I think I am done for today. If you made it this far in your reading, thank you for your interest and patience! :-) I hope everyone has a good day and if not, remember things change all the time!

Happy Happy!!

In this case it is a Happy Happy day! I woke up today and I really feel back to my old self, which is a wonderful thing! Yesterday I was okay, but super, super tired. Today, I'm great! I guess whatever was going on with me has finally run its course. At least I hope so! I could barely function yesterday and get things done. Today, I did a lot baking (raspberry muffins and corn bread), I also took care of the kitties! I managed to work on almost all my Facebook pages and a few groups. I have managed to get a bit done so I am happy with myself!

My mind isn't functioning completely. My writing is kind of at a stand still at the moment, but that will change as it always does. All I know is today was definitely a good one! I also called my mom and checked in with her to see how she was doing. She's so tired and it so worries me. I know things are going to come to an end sooner rather than later, but I want her to be okay. I do get a little sad that I'm the one that says, "I love you." She never says it to me first, like it's an after thought to say it because I did. I try not to take it personally. I don't think my mom has the empathy to feel for other people. It's just how she is. I have accepted the fact that she will never love me the way I need to be loved. In fact, she has her own dysfunctions of her own. She won't admit it, but I know it. I lived with her most of my life.

Anyway, other than that, I called Jordan too. I checked in with him and made sure he had taken his medication. Cass took hers before school. I think it might b working. Even Jason said she seemed to be in a better mood lately. At least it doesn't seem to be making her worse! That's always what you worry about with teens and anti-depressants. But so far so good!

Cassi's therapist from her school called me to check in and see how I was doing. That was nice of her. She also wants to set up another family session which is great! For Cassi and I it draws us closer together. I'm supposed to work on a few things to get us to move on, but it's really difficult. I have no extra money, which means no money for a deposit anyway. I don't make enough to live anywhere yet and pay bills too. I'm waiting for Section 8, but that could be another year to three years. That sucks. But we'll see. I also need to have a talk with Jason and Susan about their attempts to parent her, which backfires for them and for me. I end up  having to run interference and try not to upset anyone. I feel like I'm back where I was with my mom. I had to give my mom more respect because she was my mom, but I felt so caught n the middle and that's how I feel now. Maybe I'll talk to Teela and see f she can help me with some pointers on how to approach the subject. I never know how Jason or Susan will react and I don't want any crap. I mean, there are things that have to be rules they put in place like no one spending the night during the week and such as that, but it's up to me to decide what I think is okay for my daughter to do, not them. I mean, sometimes they help me, but a lot of times I feel in the middle and it really just upsets me and makes me feel like I have to placate everyone. I need it to just be me dealing with things with Cassi unless it effects them. Guess we'll see what happens.

Anyway, I suppose that's it for now! Surprisingly enough I managed to get this written tonight! I wasn't too tired! LOL! Yay!! But think I'm going to get more water, maybe check out a couple more things, take my night meds and hit the hay. I have to wake up around 6:20am. Goodnight!

One For the Money, Two for the Show . . .

Okay, I'm back!! I left things for a couple of days because I just didn't have much to share. And truth be told, I've really been tired lately! When night comes around I am so exhausted. that I am ready to sleep. Not to say I do, but I try. Like last night I slept like crap. I woke up at 2am, it took an hour to go back to sleep, woke up again at around 4am and then kinda laid there trying to dose back to sleep, but all I got was an on and off sleeping. Eventually I just gave up and got my butt up at around 8am and just started doing stuff. 

Saturday was a good though stressful toward the evening. There was a spat between Jason  and Susan and it just kind of effected all of us. That night I had trouble sleeping too. I don't respond well to certain stresses. The nice thing about Saturday was that Cassi got to go to "Dave and Busters" with one of her friends. She came back in a good mood. Susan also went grocery shopping which was great! She came home with pulled pork.She'd also got Hawaiian sweet sandwich buns. We also had onion rings. I cooked and served! It was really good!! But the spat just sort of ruined the evening.

Sunday was nice, for the most part until the afternoon and evening. Well, it could have been worse, but all in all it was okay. Jason was just GRUMPY!! But you know, he always wants to be grumpy when Jordan is over. What a pain in the ass, right? :-P While he was at work Jordan walked all the way to the apartment. Two hours of walking, but he walked like 5 miles! I think that was awesome. He made pretty good time, I guess. Better than I could do! And in the heat!! So I figured he was going to stay for dinner. Then Cassi had her friend Josh over, but I warned them that it was in their best interests to stay outside when Jason got back. And Jason was pulling stuff in the car by texting me at home about wanting to be alone. I was ticked. It's always about him sometimes. Especially when he's grumpy. So he was ticked off when he saw Jordan still here. But I wouldn't take Jordan back to Tim's until he at least had dinner. Jason tried to be mean to me, but I shut off my phone. When he is that grumpy he can get really, really mean. Cassi and her friend weren't that big of a deal, because they  did stay outside once Jason came home. But after dinner I took Jordan home, but I refused to talk to Jason, I was still very angry with him. But he eventually apologized for being an ass, which was nice. I didn't get over it right away though. He wants to be forgiven immediately and that doesn't work for me. I need time. But it didn't take me too long to get over it, I guess. I was fine by morning. But then, not more than an hour after taking Jordan back to Tim's when he called me and told me Tim was kicking him out, which pissed me off big time because he was constantly threatening Jordan about the fact he could kick him out whenever he wanted. I told him to call Grandma and call me back. As soon as Grandma told him he could come back, Susan and I went and picked him up from Tim's. Tim is an emotional and verbally abusive alcoholic. Even Jordan saw him drinking all the time. 

Anyway,  he only took one thing with him - his big trunk, but he was happy to be out of there. We went through some rules with him. He's been really good with his hygiene so that's not an issue, but really makes sure he  helps Grandma around the house. That he keeps his room clean. That he doesn't get grumpy with her. Outside of hygiene that's his priority. Plus, Susan is going to show him how to shop for food and I'm going to show him easy dinners to make. We are going to help him as much as he can so he can be more independent at time goes on. I'm also going to help him get to a Temp Agency to look for work! I think things are going in the right direction now that he doesn't have to worry about Tim being on his ass. Tim doesn't want to help anyone. He wants slaves. He wants to lord his power over people to make himself feel important. But that man doesn't have a caring bone in his body. It's all about control for him. He has this need to CONTROL those under his roof. I understand he's in pain a lot, but how often have I hear, I just want HONESTY. I don't talk behind people's back. Well, he isn't even honest with himself. I have heard him talk crap behind my back and Jordan HEARD him talk crap behind his back. In fact, George moved to keep Tim from seeing Jordan so that Jordan could listen to what Tim was saying. So he's a liar and can't stick to his own mantra. Yeah, I'm just a little angry. Plus, I think he was more abusive to Jordan because he's MY son. Tim can say what he likes, but he never really liked me or cared about me, and obviously he is not above taking things out on my kids.

Okay, anyway, we got him to Grandma's and I helped him inside. He had more stuff at Tim's so my mom helped me with some fuel so I could go pick him up this morning and taking him to get the rest of his stuff.

I was pretty wound up last night, if you couldn't tell! LOL! I was tired and I slept about 2-3 hours. But then after that, I just couldn't sleep really. I was constantly waking up, then finding it hard to go back to sleep. It sucked! And of course, there were all kind of weird dreams. Meeting the Queen of England with my mom. Starting my monthly and it being heavy. Being late for some presentation with the Queen and my mom. Some guy that was out to hurt me and a few others. Almost had  him tracked down too! But just very anxious dreams. Just my mind working out the emotions from yesterday. 

Then this morning, I had been trying to sleep, but I just kept tossing and turning though their might have been some light dozing. But when it hit around 8am I just got up. I couldn't sleep and I wanted to get Jordan over to Tim's to get his stuff out of there ASAP! So I took care of a few things like giving Karissa treats, taking my morning meds and feed Tucker and King Sushi II (Betta Fish). I ran off some letters too that need to go out in the mail; hopefully tomorrow!

After I picked him up, I took him to Tim's and I was seriously worried about an altercation and if I would have to call the police, but no one said anything to him. Tim didn't come out of his room. I'm not sure he even knew Jordan was there. But either way, we got it done. When we got back to Grandma's I went in for awhile to let Jordan get his stuff out of the car. I was cuddling and getting doggie kisses from Beignet (Ben - Yay). She is so cute! Good sized dog and so sweet. But she will bark at the front door and that's a good thing. I think she is a mix of German Shepard  and possibly a pit bull. But whatever she is, she is just beautiful, loving and a perfect companion!  I had to try to teach my Mom (Grandma) how to pronounce her name. I guess it's just hard for her because her hearing is going. It's been going for awhile though. But hopefully I might have helped her with  her doggie's name because she won't really come to you when you call for her unless you use her name. I need to take a pic of her next time I go over there.

After that, Cassi's principal called me and my first thought was, "Uh Oh!" But it turned out she was having a hard day. Her ex girlfriend was being mean to her. But Cassi stuck it out as long as she could. She also took a lot of time talking with her therapist at school. But anyway, the principal called and asked if it was okay to release Cassi from school early? Could I come get her? Well, I figured the day was rough so I asked if she could just leave the campus so she could come home by trolley or bus. Well, it turned out that I was still at Grandma's so I just waited for her in the McDonald's parking lot. It didn't take her long to get there at all! She wasn't thrilled, but she didn't look as depressed as I expected. However, she was still pretty upset. 

When we got home, she made herself some cold flavored coffee. We're using Heath creamer at the moment. The night before I had brewed 2-3 pots of decaf coffee and put it in my large pitcher and stuck it in the fridge. Since we have no room for ice, I figured cold coffee was the next best thing! Then I took a break for a few minutes, then I made some cornbread! Yesterday I made blueberry muffins. I forgot how good Jiffy is! I mean it's not fantastic, but they make nice little muffins! And the cornbread came out delicious! This wasn't Jiffy, it's a honey cornbread mix. Either way, it's so good! Jason doesn't so much like cornbread, but he likes the muffins!

A bit after that, I started pulling stuff out for dinner. I thawed the ground turkey already. But I didn't do too much with it until Jason and Susan got home. Jason went to try to take a nap for the Chargers game that's on tonight. Susan was showing me funny statuses. We had some really good laughs! But eventually Jason came out into the living room. She went to pick up some things from the store and I decided I would start making dinner, because Jason wanted pizza and wings. DiGornio pizza is pretty good. Anyway, I wanted to have the dinner for us girls done before Susan got back so that she could just plop his pizza in the over without having to wait.

Anyway, I cooked the ground turkey. I microwaved the corn. I made the instant mashed potatoes, shredded cheese, and opened the BBQ sauce. Basically I made BBQ Shepherd's Pie. You mix the cooked meat, the corn and as much BBQ sauce as you want. I used the Original Sweet Baby Ray's sauce and it was delish! After that's well mixed, pour into a 13x9-inch pan. Srpead it out. Top with potatoes. Spread that out. Cover with cheese. Put in a 350 degree F oven for 15 minutes. That should be enough time to reheat the dish and melt the cheese. I like a lot of BBQ sauce so I put more on top. It's easy and good! At least all of us enjoy it!

Well, Jason is happily watching the Charger game and so far the Chargers seem to be doing really well! Yay Chargers!! But I'm just chilling out writing this while "The Bourne Ultimatum" plays in the background. I should try to get to sleep. I'm tired, but I don't know. I'll see if I relax after taking my night meds. I am so glad that my meds are back to normal. I guess I should start ordering my meds 5 days before they are due just to make sure there are no lapses. 

Guess that's it for this entry. Tomorrow I want to pick up around here a little. The bathroom and kitchen need a little work. I also want to make a dump cake tomorrow and maybe more muffins! And I have more story and more letters and all kinds of things to do. Just a matter of getting it done! :-)

On to Tomorrow!