A Mixed State A-Coming . . . Maybe . . .?

Didn't make it to the gym so now swimming; no water aerobics class. It was hard for me to wake up, but that was my fault. I took too much ativan to help me sleep and it just slammed me. I have sort of been tired all day because of it. I still had my coffee, but I have also been feeling off. Sometimes I start feeling okay and then this feeling comes back. I don't know if it's the coffee or I am just starting a mixed state - which I hope isn't the case. But I have been so irritable! Just irritable with my mother, other drivers, Jason . . . I've been shaking on and off too. I've been speeding more in the car. That usually goes hand in hand with mixed states too. But all I can do is wait and see. Right now, these are just annoying symptoms that I might be able to keep in check. I don't know what I'll do if it escalates. Guess I'll cross that bridge if I get to it. Either way, I'll be keeping an eye on myself.

I took my mom to go to Macy's today and See's Candy. While I waited for her, I went to the McDonald's at the Walmart. I got lunch and then spent the time reading. She actually got done sooner than I thought she would. It didn't give me that much time to read and "The Surgeon" is a good book. I'll probably read a little before I go to sleep tonight.

After that, we came back home, but about 30 minutes after that my mom wanted to go to the Post Office to send a package to Diana. She got her all kinds of neat things for her birthday. I got to pick out the card. I went with something I knew my mother would get her. Of course, my mother loved it when she read it. I saw another card I liked, but it was definitely more of a me card. LOL! It might not have gone over well. :-P Not that it was bad or anything! It just had a humor twist and my mother doesn't do funny.

Then after the Post Office we went to Albertson's. I got water and St. Patty's Day buttons like "Eat, Drink, Be Irish!" LOL! I also picked out pizzas for dinner. Turned out good. We had pizza and salad.

Outside of going to the store again I haven't done much of anything. I didn't feel up to writing because my brain feels a little chaotic and my concentration's been bad today. So all I've really done tonight is play on Project Playlist, upload photos to MySpace. Check Facebook and update Yahoo. I have "Criminal Minds" on, but it really isn't a show I got into. The episodes are good, but don't capture me the way other shows do. I can take it or leave it so to say.

Anyway, I'm tired. Think I'll take my medication and do some reading. Not sure if I'll watch "Merlin" tonight or not. Guess we'll see.

More From the Junior High Side of Life!

As you know, I wrote Kenny after him having written to me. I also tried to contact him on his myspace and I also sent Denise an email. I figured my chain was getting yanked around and now I KNOW I am being yanked around, but I'm gonna play it out anyway.

I sent Denise a very simple email. I was trying to flush out the truth. In fact, I figured I wouldn't hear from her again. Actually, I wrote her twice. I was doing it to try to get a response, but I didn't expect one. These are the emails I wrote-

The first one:

Kenny wrote me an email and I thought I would drop you a line. He said that you would be open to patching things up. If you are, I would be open to it. We might have to sort a couple of things out. But you can reach me at this addy if it's true and you want to.

I never did stop loving you like a sister.

Lilly

This was the second one:

I heard that Dean tried to kill himself and that he's on a ventilator. I just wanted to tell you that even if you hate me now, I'll be here for you.

Lilly

I never figured I'd hear back from here. But I was still writing on the MySpace page that I made just for this yanking of my chain. Here's what I posted there:

Well, I had a falling out with a friend. I figured it was done and over. Then, here is it, a couple of months later, I hear from her son. I mean, I'm glad I did. It would be nice if he were serious and not yanking my chain about her wanting to be friends again, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

Still, if it's the truth, I'd be open to it. There are just things that I couldn't do and trust might be an issue.

I guess we'll see!

Life is full of surprises . . . good and bad ones.

Yeah, this is a set up of mine, but when you know you're getting played, don't you ever just want to play back? I set this account up just to mess with her. Anyway, to my surprise today, I had an email from her. The only thing is - SHE didn't write it. I KNOW she didn't because I know her writing. I have it posted in this blog actually and there is no way she wrote this. However, I replied to it like I bought it, hook, line and sinker . . . I mean I want to see how this will eventually play out.

Maybe it seems crazy that I'm posting all of this on here, but for me, it's a way to help me remember. That I can keep track of things and that there is some kind of record other than those on my email. I don't know. To me it just seems to help.

Anyway, this is what I got back from her:

Krystina

Hi there. I just wanted to write you and address all your email to kenny and i. Sorry for the delay but Deans parents were down for a week and it was pure hell. They absolutely hate me and want nothing to do with me. The kids are just fine and i should have full custody by december. I just signed off on our divorce and should br final within a few months. Deans parents made it difficult to try and do anything. Sunday was Deans birthday and sheila deans mom was on a witch hunt with me all day. As you allready know Dean tried to take his life and his chances of recovery are slim. Kenny has Deans journals that he was keeping and will not share them with me. He has threatened me if i try and pry them out of him. So with that all being said i really don't know why dean made this attempt other then it has something to do with nicole. I will leave it at this because i dont know. But what i do know is deans mom wants her head on a block. (His mother was actually telling him to take it slow with her because she was just out of a relationship . . . so that's one BIG strike right there for this)

Kenny is a bit confused about your email and then what you posted on your blog about trust. To be honest with you i think i will stear clear and leave that between you two. He just wondered about the yanking your chain thing. (I thought it was rather clear . . .)

I have been going through a lot of therapy over the past month. I have to attend mandatory groups and check in with the safe house three times a day. If i miss one time i go back so i am under the gun as far as my time during the day.

While i am thinking about it i don't know which hospital dean is at they refuse to tell me. I do know that he is scheduled to be transfered to oregon sometime this month. I also know the good part of Dean that we all knew is dead. Even if he comes out of it chances are he will be severly crippled. I am not sure what happened other then he ingested something very posinous. (Okay, but his mother, his father, her son . . . I bet they would know where he's at! And Kenny never said a word so I have have a hard time believing this)

I am going through some very sad times and i do not expect anything from anyone. right at this moment i really dont know how to feel other then i just need and try to move on. I am sorry that you and your family got cought up in my manic moment. But furthurmore my compulsive disorder behavior. This is what i need to keep in check and somedays it is easier then others. The book is just thrown away for a long time and even though the doctors say its good for therapy this is one time i will strongly disagree. (I don't believe for a moment she put the book down and with as obessive as she got, there is no way in the world a doctor would tell her it's good therapy! She worked on that book to the exclusion of her family! Emotionally abusing them and even physically, if Dean is to be believed at this point, though she did end up in the hospital, obviously.)

If i dont write to you much its because i am dealing with trying to get my kids back then Dean close to dying. I can't turn back and i have to try and make everyday a little better then the previous. If you hear from Nicole please pass on that i will try and write her but i need a little time. I love her to death but kenny wrote her a email and when she didnt respond that really hurt him. Maybe she has her reasons. I am so happy she could make dean happy. I have spoken to neighbors and they told me he was a completely different person. I need to close for now so i can cry for awhile I am just so sorry for all the pain i have caused.

Take care

Denise

If she is really sorry, than I am glad because it shows that she's grown some. But all this about Dean killing himself and all that . . . I don't know. Plus, Kenny's mood on his MySpace page is Excited and he's on it every day. I don't know about you, but for me, I don't think my mood would be excited if my dad were about dead . . . Even Heather's says that she Very Happy. Hmmmm . . . Unless they want wanted their dad dead there is something very wrong with this picture.

Anyway, I did reply back. I don't expect to hear anything more now. If I do I will be totally shocked! But here's what I wrote:

Hey Denise,

I will keep this short because I know your time is precious and that you have so much to contend with. I just wanted to address a couple of things. First off, with my blog, you can take a look at it yourself. I was simply concerned that this might be a joke on me - like the kind we used to do in Junior High. I am sorry if he was hurt. It was never my intention. In fact, I said that I hoped it was honest and true.

The other thing is the trust. That wasn't directed at Kenny and if he read my emails to him he would know that the issues that I speak of dealing with trust are the ones related to John. I have my concerns that you are still on contact with him and I would really rather that he didn't know my business; even just day to day stuff. I am happy with not having contact with him and not hearing about him, so I would rather he not hear about me. It's as simple as that.

Also, Nicole never meant to hurt Kenny. Dean was writing to her using the kids' accounts and so she felt she needed to block them. Having read the emails he sent to her, I don't blame her in the least. I am sorry it came down to this on his part. She never even meant to hurt Dean. To her knowledge she didn't do anything. If you've read the emails then you know I was speaking with her every day. I have a better idea of the truth.

Anyway, I am glad you're getting help. Are you on medication? What medication is it and is it working for you? That's probably the more important of the two. Cassie misses you and the kids. Jordan too. You are always welcome to call. You have my number. It's on one of the emails to Kenny if you no longer have it.

I never stopped caring about you. Take care. Write when you can.

Lilly

I would feel bad if Dean were really hurt, but part of me wishes this wasn't just some stupid joke. However, I know it is and I'm going to keep creating my own part in this because I can . . . It's like writing a book, knowing you have a captive audience. I already started with my second blog entry for MySpace and in a week I'll add a bit more, though tomorrow I'll write something that's true! It's what I did yesterday. If you mix enough truth in with a single little lie, it sounds very, very believable. Not that I make a habit of lying, but I do make a habit of writing stories and so I know how these things can go.

Anyway, as much as I am amused by all of this, I am struggling with some wicked depression. It could be partly because of this, but there are a lot of other factors. At least this gives me something to think about and more stuff to plot out and maybe it might even inspire a new story for me to write! Anything is possible. Gotta try to pull the positive out of this as much as possible - that and the humor.

Junior High All Over Again?

Okay, I'm almost 40 and the last thing I should be doing is playing around like I'm in Junior High. You might be thinking, "Well, it's good to stay young!" NOT like this! LOL! Basically the friend I had a falling out with is out of the hospital - halfway house or whatever. Turns out some of it might have been a lie anyone - Her soon-to-be Ex turned out to be quite the freak actually.

Anyway, last Friday or Saturday, I get an email, from their son:

Hi Lilly,

I was wondering if your still mad at my mom? The reason I'm asking is because right now she really needs your friendship. But I know that your not intrested into ever speaking to her.

I thought you should know that aunt Nicole started dating our dad after everything happened to mom Aunt Nicole played with oiur dad's heart and he tried to take his life because of Aunt Nicole. He is on a ventilator and the father i knew is dead and the Dean you used to know is gone.

Nicole promised me if things ever went bad no matter what she would take me in. I emailed her a few days ago and she has not responded so she has shown me her true colors.

I do have a question for you And I want you to think about something, I have a feeling that someone set out to distory your long term friendship by telling you lies about each other and getting you to stop writing the book with mom I'm not saying names but that person really wanted you both to be hurt and then she could make you both beleve that she really cared.

You know how to reach mom if you ever want to try and patch things up. I think the way i feel about you all is blown way out of proportion. We have been home from the safe house for a few days now. The house seems very empty without my dad.

One more thing in closing I have learned that my family seemed safe and secure and I think Nicole destroyed that because of her own family failure not once but twice. I cannot believe the way she manipulated my dad and your friendship with my mom.

Love Kenneth

Here was my Response:

Hey Kenny,

To be honest, it's good to hear from you. I've been worried sick about you and your sister. I have never wanted anything but the best for both of you. Somewhere along the way, I think it was forgotten by what was said about me. Still, I have NEVER stopped caring about either of you.

Also Jordan and Cassie have missed you both - even if Heather thought Cassie was a bit spoiled. But the best kids sometimes are.

Anyway, I really don't have any trouble being friends with your mother against except for two things. Well, maybe three things. 1) I don't know if I can trust that things I tell her or write her won't get back to John - my Ex husband - since she is in contact with him now. 2) I will NOT work on the book with her under any circumstances. Personally, no one made me stop writing with her. I do not have the same passion about the book that she does. It's her book. I tried, but to be honest, I have so much more going on in my life that I just can't put my heart into someone else's project. I tried to explain that to her (and yes, I didn't like the way she was treating you or your sister). Yes, I might have been told one thing, but that one thing wasn't the deciding factor for me. It was merely the last straw. The rest I had seen and heard myself. I am not so easily lead. If you think so, then you still have more to learn about your aunt. :-) But the thing is, if your mom had been a friend, she would have understood. Of course, I also recognize the fact that she was in an obsessive state with the bipolar and histrionic personality disorder which is why I would be open to being friends. Sometimes these things can't be helped. I understand being bipolar myself. :-P I just will not work on that book ever again. 3) And this one is something that I guess I will have to explain a little to you as well. I won't deal with any attempts to poison my mind about other friends. And yes, I do mean Nicole.

Kenny, I need to explain something to you. While your dad was getting together with Nicole I was hearing about it every day. She made it clear to him that friendship was all she could handle. It was your father that made way more out of it than what was there. I won't debate it, but having heard every day about it I have a good idea of the truth of the matter. I also know Nicole a lot better than you do. Anyway, I don't know what else I can say. I know you will believe your parents as any good kid should. But it's the truth as I know it. If I had been hearing from Nicole once a week or something, I could maybe say that she was lying - though I know better. But every day? Why would anyone call me and lie every day? Not even someone really diabolical would go out of their way to lie. It's too easy to get caught that way.

I am sorry to hear about your father. He should have sought some real help. When someone takes their life, it is because their coping skills were not able to compensate for the stress and pain in their life. But when someone has kids they have a duty to seek help before it gets that far. It's why I always end up at the hospital or a crisis house. I have to think of where Cassie and Jordan would end up otherwise.

But tell me, are you and your sister okay? Where are you guys now? Who are you staying with? If you want to stay here, I might be able to do something about that. It would take a lot of convincing, but maybe. I do want to be there for you. That's what I've wanted since the beginning was just to help - at least where it came to you guys. Other than that, I needed my space from that book. But make no mistake that it was your mother that ended our friendship because of the book. It wasn't because of anything else. If it wasn't, then how could I know she was going to react the way she did to me? Anyway, that's really here nor there now. And it doesn't involve you. Guess I'm just writing out my thoughts.

If you want, please keep in touch. Let me know how you are doing and let me know if you want to come visit. I wish I could say that I could pick you up. Unfortunately, I no longer have a car. But I'm still here at my mother's.

Jordan would love to talk with you. I'd love to hear from you too. If you want, you can call: XXX-XXX-XXXX. It's the same number as always.

You know, if I thought I could trust your mom and that she was really open to being friends I would reach out. But I think maybe the ball has to be in her court and I have to know that I can trust her not to chat with John. I don't know if I can. But if she wants to reach me, she can do it the same way you did, or she can email one of my other accounts. I just think it needs to be her that reaches out. However, I'm open to the idea, but she'd have to convince me about John.
Anyway, I think I have said my peace. I love you, kid. I always have. That has never changed once through all of this. I hope you contact me back. Btw, what hospital is your dad at? I am not being morbid, but how did he attempt it? Only because I'm curious what the doctor said about his prognosis . . . Will he recover? And maybe Greg can take me up there to visit . . . I don't know. But I understand what he was feeling. Still, I wish he would have thought about you kids first.

Okay, well . . . with the holidays coming things are crazy. Would you want to come over for Jordan's birthday? We're having his party on November 22nd here at the house. It's not going to be much. Just some friends, cake, sleep over . . . video games. LOL! That's what you boys do all night, right?

Cassie's bday party is on the 15th. It's going to be at the Embassy Suites again and if Heather wants to come, she would be more than welcome.

Well, guess I've rambled on long enough now. You know how to reach me if you want. I'm here for you.

Love you,

Aunt Lilly

Okay, I suspicious from the moment the email was sent. I wanted to believe it, but there was something in my gut that told me my chain was being yanked. So I was also going fishing, if you noticed. As I said, I was talking to Nicole almost every day. Dean spun his own version of the truth all the time apparantly - more than either of us realized and we started to wonder if HE doesn't have some kind of mental illness too! Not sure what though. It doesn't seem like bipolar. Though I could be wrong. I'm only really aware of my own symptoms and such. But I think it's more or different than that.

Anyway, I got a response from Kenny:

Hi Lilly,

I got your message. As far as mom talking to john she never spoke to him but one time then she wound up in jail. The last two months she has had no way to get to a computer. She does not even have a my space account anymore and thats been awhile.

My dads parents are here and it's more then i can handle. They have got him dead before he is. Last i had heard he was showing signs of improvement. They have partial custody of us untill my mom is fully released from the doctor. they want us to finish growing up in oregon.

Looks like we might come out on the loosing end because my dads parents hate My mom with a passion.

Just between you and i. i have my dads journals that explain a lot of different things that happened with nicole. It was all good before the end and i want to share them with you both someday. Pray my dad does not wake up because he may share them with tim and the photos. I don't want to sound mean but that is why i am keeping my mouth shut. Deans mom has been looking for them. They are safely tucked away.

Take care Lilly,

Kenneth

Now, there were a few signs in this email that immediately got my attention. 1) he avoided my question about where his father was and instead jumped into Nicole. By the way, there are no photos. There never were. If there was a journal, it was about Dean's fantasies about them, which he admitted to her anyway and 2) he refers to his grandmother as Dean's mother . . . Uh . . . Okay? Would you call your grandmother your father's name's mother? It was just really, really strange and so I ended up not completely buying it and so went on another fishing expedition.

Hey Kenny,

Why don't you give me a call and we can talk. I would love to talk to you. I would also like to go see your father. Maybe take some flowers to him or something. What happened anyway? Do the doctors think he'll recover? Plus, I think I'd like to see those photos and his journal. As you said, it might explain a lot.

My offer still stands if you want to come visit Jordan for his bday. Or really if you just want to visit too. All you have to do is call and I'll see what I can do, though you might have to catch a bus to me since I can't drive at the moment. But I would to see you and I know Jordan would too; very much.Anyway, sorry about your grandparents. You and your sister should have had a say and wouldn't your mother have to agree that they can take you out of the state? As long as they don't have full custody of you, that should be the case. I could be wrong.

Well, you can let you mom know she can contact me. I won't jump on her. It will be like nothing happened, except that I won't work on the book every again. As far as Nicole . . . I have to see this stuff you have before I can make a determination. It's just how I am. Did your mom delete her myspace account? Not that I can't check. I just don't have one anymore and would rather not. I just need to know that she won't talk to John. Period.

Anyway, please call and let me know how you're doing and if you want to come visit. We'd love to see you.Please stay in touch.

Take care.

Love you kid,

Aunt Lilly

Well, just because I always check what I can when something seems suspicious, I decided to check out Kenny's MySpace page! Guess what?? His mood said he was Excited and his sister's said she was Happy!! LOL! Now, if my father were in the hospital, almost dead and on a ventilator, I don't think I would be happy or excitied! Also, I decided to check his friends page and guess who DOES have a MySpace page?? Yep, his mom . . . Anyway, of course, I had to reply to that.

Hey Kenny,

Just thought I'd write you another quick message and hope you have time to respond. I decided to check out your myspace page and I found your mother's page. I would just ask that you don't lie to me again. Now I really can't trust that she won't tell what I say to her to John. I want to be able to trust her. I would have actually liked to have patched things us, but I have to wonder just what is really going on. I would really like to know the truth. Because if this is just some game, I would be so sad. I have never stopped loving you or your sister. In fact, I never stopped loving your mom like a sister. But I can't play games.

If you're serious and not playing games with me, please don't lie to me again. Just be straight. It hurts to think that you would lie and play games with me. I have never done that to you. I have NEVER done that with your mother, regardless of what she might think.

I still wish you the best and if you still want to call or come for a visit, you're welcome to. Just be honest with me. No games. Okay?

Love you,

Aunt Lilly

Well, surprise surprise I have NEVER heard back again! LOL! I even wrote to him on his MySpace and asked how he was and if his dad was still on the ventilator. LOL! I even wrote to Denise and I told her that I heard Dean was on a Ventilator and that I still cared about here (which I really do) and that I would be there for her if she needed me! LOL! NOTHING!

Anyway, I went one step further and created a MySpace page again - it's how I wrote to Kenny on MySpace, but it's really just a dummy page. I mean, some of the blog will be real and some of it will just be totally fake. I mean, I had my chain yanked and even though this is so Junior High, I am yanking theirs. In fact, I wrote to Kenny in the hopes he'd show his mom, so she'd visit the blog and maybe even get my Ex to visit the blog! Either way, I'm going to keep it up. I have a WHOLE storyline plotted for it! And who knows, they might never read it, but I have a feeling I'll have an avid audience! LOL!

Okay, that's my ramble about being thrown back into Junior High. I think it's hilarious for the most part, but I do have to admit that dealing with these people do raise my anxiety level. Still . . . I'm not willing to just walk away after having my leg pulled like that. They deserve a bit of what was dished out!