Trying to Convince Myself Things Are Okay

Well, the sudden depression is crippling. I hate it. It's taken away my ability to concentrate. I wanted to do some writing, but I just don't know if I have the energy or the thought processes to do it. I am just so hurt. Cassie just doesn't want to be with me. Regardless how she puts it, that's the case. I could live on my own and it would be the same. She wouldn't want to be with me. It's just how it is and I'm just going to have to deal with it. But knowing that she doesn't even want to spend the little bit of time with me that I had set aside hurts really, really bad. What did I do wrong? Did I give her too much freedom? Did I not love her enough? Maybe it's just that I can't buy her off. Jason and Susan can get her everything she wants just about and I can't. I cried for a hour or so last night. Tonight I guess I'm still crying. At least while I write this. My eyes are tearing up and I can't really seem to stop it. It might have hurt less had she shoved a knife into my heart. I just don't know if I can cope with this this time around. I'm not sure I can see her and then just watch her leave without crying. Maybe I just shouldn't see any of them for awhile. Not sure I can do that either. But I don't see any way I'm going to stop hurting. I'm just nothing in the world to her and I don't think I can get over that. I'm her mother. I should matter. I know she's a teenager, but I thought we were always close. I thought she'd want to be near me a little bit, but nope. Not at all. Okay, maybe I need to stop writing about this. I just keep crying more and I don't want anyone to see me crying. I don't want any one asking me questions, especially my mom.

Wow, I dried my eyes just in time. My mom walked in wanting paper. I told her Cassie wasn't coming home tonight. You know, she started this last night when she told her to ask me. It's HER that wants Cassie her. It's up to HER. If she had just said yes she needs to come back this wouldn't have even been an issue and if this blows up into crap for me, I might just take myself out of the picture - go into a hospital somewhere. I don't know. I just feel like so much crap is coming and I am not strong enough to deal with more shit. If my mom starts in on me I'll be the one in the fucking middle again and I just can't deal with that again. I can't.

Anyway, I might try to write a little bit anyway, but I'm not sure my mind will work the way it's supposed to. Then again, I guess the important thing is I've written. I just don't want to write crap. I also have to convince myself to do it. At least I got the tears cleared up for now.

Right now, I'm watching "Mythbusters" as it rains outside. There's a new "Mythbusters" tonight, but new "Ghost Hunters" too. Think I'll probably watch "Ghost Hunters." Wish I could take a handful of ativan and just go to sleep. But that's not going to happen. Things were going so well there for awhile. Now it's all back to being shit. Oh well. I won't force her to come back unless my mom threatens to kick me out again. I don't want her here if she doesn't want to be near me.

Okay, enough of the pity party for the time being. I'm either going to go to sleep, or try to write. Guess we'll see which one.



Feeling Kinda Alone

My mood has been a bit dicey today, but as it turns out, I started my period today!! Oh how wonderful that is! NOT! But I suppose at least I'll stop wondering what happened to it. And it will be done and over.

I have been missing Jordan today. It sucks to be without both of my kids. I really feel completely alone and I haven't felt this in a very long time and with my stupid sister Diana coming out I'm going to feel even more alone. And my anxiety will go up. It would be worse with Jordan here while she's here. They hate each other and she will yell at him to his face - even though it means standing on her tip toes. And he'll just tell her to fuck off. But feeling alone makes me feel vulnerable. I hate it, hate it, hate it!!

Anyway, I took my mom to get her hair cut and while she did that, I went to Walmart. I picked up a few things and then went to McDonald's where I grabbed a McDouble and a Diet Dr. Pepper. This one old woman tried to take my table, so I said we'd share. When I came back and sat down, she got mad at me!! But she moved to another table. I was commended on how I dealt with her. Apparently other people didn't think she was all there. They were probably right because she seemed that way to me too. 

Then just as I'm about ready to start reading my mom shows up! I'm glad she didn't notice some of the stuff I bought. After that we went to the 99 cent store. We got lemons and onions and mushrooms. Also got some zucchini which my mom cooked up as part of dinner. We also had chicken. I could have eaten a lot more zucchini. Maybe later. My mom and I had to take in the trash cans too, which usually is Jordan's job.

After that, I got online and have been playing on Cafemom since. I managed to find two of my old groups so I joined, went into my old accounts and put my new account as co-owners. I also managed to put stuff up and create new forums. I guess I just needed more to do since sometimes the groups get a bit quiet and sometimes there's just nothing for me to say. 

Anyway, I took my night meds so I guess I should be trying to go to sleep. I miss my kids and it sucks.

          

'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Have to schedule another therapy session

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Have to up my anti-depressant

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Forget trying to wrap the Christmas presents

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Okay, I made that one up a couple of years ago. But the sentiment is kind of true. As much as I absolutely LOVE Christmas, I get very depressed this time of year. Unfortunately, I can't take anti-depressants to help because of my bipolar. Even with a mood stabilizer, I don't respond well to anti-depressants. They completely and totally wig me out. But it's hard to cope with the depression. It's like, I love Christmas movies, but they make me cry and I get depressed. I think maybe because my family has never had one of those "perfect" Christmases. Of course, you have to have a loving family first.

Don't get me wrong. My kids and I make one hell of a stellar family as far as I'm concerned. And with my other friends, we're a great family. We all love each other. But my friends have their own families and mine . . . I am the outsider looking in. I always was. We've never been close, but I don't think they're close with each other either. I used to think that maybe it was because they had grown up together - my mother being a single mother to my much-older siblings. You know, it gave them a special bond and for whatever reason I didn't measure up to that. It didn't help that even though they're all 20+ years old than me that they were jealous of me. My dad spoiled me. Their dad didn't. Not my fault. Then I heard rumors where I was my father's kid from one of his affairs. So I thought this was it. That they didn't love me because of that. Particularly my mother who I could never please (I still can't please her, but she isn't pleased by anyone except maybe her own children). So I thought that was my answer. But then when I was 28 I found out I was really adopted. 8 months after finding my birthmother, I found my birthfather. Turns out I was from an affair, but not my dad's affair.

But basically, we have never been this loving family where everyone cares and wants to make everyone else happy at Christmas. You know, I actually had to tell my mother a couple of years ago to stop giving me perfume and make-up. I never wore either. You'd think she'd notice since I live with her . . . I finally told her that if she really wanted to get me something I'd like to ask me what I wanted . . . I'd tell her a million different DVDs or books . . . music . . . So for the last couple of years I have picked out my own gift. But she's not really cared about what I might actually want since I was a teenager. Before that, it's pretty easy to pick out for kids. But even with my 17 year old son, I tell him to tell me what he wants or I tell them to write a list I can pick from. I mean, geez . . . I WANT them to have a good Christmas.

The funny thing is, this is the first Christmas in a long time that I am not completely stressing over yet. Usually my stress starts at the End of September and doesn't end until January. But I'm calm . . . just seriously depressed. Even now I just feel like crying and today I'm supposed to go out and do shopping. I have to do a lot of shopping - food, meds, Christmas . . . So much in so little time. And I do kind of look forward to it, but kind of dread it too. My money will be going very, very quickly. I just wish that I could have a Christmas where I was stressing out. Where I wasn't depressed. Where I just felt loved and happy . . . that my kids and I belonged somewhere. I keep telling myself that my kids and I have each other and that should be enough . . . but it's hard. I guess I always just wanted a real family . . . Something completely unattainable, of course. I wasn't raised in a real family. The closest thing I have to a real family are my friends, but they have families . . . Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if my dad were still alive. In fact, as much as I dreaded Christmas with the family, I always had my dad and he loved me. Sometimes I wondered, but he did. He loved me more than anyone else. He'd been the one that wanted to adopt me. My mother just adopted me because he wanted a baby. They got me at 2 days old.

I just feel alone. And having a boyfriend or husband doesn't help. I've pretty much always been alone. It's hard and I guess I feel it now more than any other time of the year.

But I will do the Christmas shopping, decorate our tree, maybe even bake some cookies . . . sing some carols, watch more Christmas movies, wrap gifts, fill stockings and in the end, I'll feel fine. I really do love Christmas. I love the lights, the smells . . . the cooler weather . . . I just feel so alone.