Day 59 - Still Depressed But Starting To Get Back On Track

I am still very depressed about losing Linda. She was always so supportive. I would have liked her to be around for my surgery and to help me celebrate my successes. But oh well. There's nothing that can be done about it. I just have to realize that she'll be there in spirit. I did cry a little bit last night and talked with her. Though I doubt she's listening to me. She needs to be with Roger and John. But I miss her too.

Anyway, I slept until 12:30pm. I was worried I had missed the gardener because my mom had a doctor's appointment. I didn't which was nice. In fact, I was able to pick up Jason from the trolley so that he could come over and hang out for a bit. They let him go early from work so he said. I have this feeling he just took the time off, but I could be wrong. It's just this sense I have. But you know, it's not my problem. He's the one that missed out on the money.

When my mom got back and the gardener was there doing a good job, she decided that she wanted to go out for something to eat. We went to Denny's which was awesome. I got a build your own slam again. This time I got two eggs scrambled with onions, the chicken sausage patty, wheat pancakes and oatmeal. OMG! I was expecting a little bowl of oatmeal. Turned out the bowl was HUGE!! Needless to say, I didn't eat everything. I left half the oatmeal at least and I didn't finish the pancakes. So I took them home. I'm starting to get a little hungry again so I might be finishing those pancakes. Anyway, it was good.

When I got back I got on the computer for a bit. I got ready to go to the gym tonight. Then Cassie came home. Jason and Cassie were butting heads again and he sent her home, though I think she wanted to come home. I got a text from Jason saying he was going to send her home permanently. I ignored it and went to the gym with Susan and to water aerobics. The class was good, though I still went to the spa. I can't help it. I need to warm up. Then I took a shower and put lotion on. Susan helped me with my back and the back of my thighs. So far I'm not so itchy now. Maybe that's what I need to do.

But I'm going back tomorrow morning. I need to get back into the swing of things with the water aerobics. I need to lose weight. Only 17 more pounds to go before surgery. 

I also had to pick up my medication so Jordan and I went out. I also had to go to the store to pick up some brown sugar. I also grabbed tortillas for Jordan and caramel mousse tempations for me along with a life water for a dollar. I didn't get much, but I got my balance and I think Susan took more of my food money they she should have and isn't going to tell me about it. I'm not going to say anything, but next time I'm going to keep track of my balance so I know how much she uses. I mean I'm down to just over $100. That's just not right. THEN as if that wasn't bad enough Jason was upset about Cassie threatening to take everything away from her over her not apologiing to him. I understand, but he upset her big time and when she's upset there is no reasoning with her. But all she had to do was say "I'm sorry" without attitude!! Ugh!! What a pain in the ass. I was having a panic attack over it. Susan was crying. These guys don't understand what this crap does to us! UGH!!!

Anyway, I guess Jason finally settled down, but Cassie never did apologize to him. That sucked. I don't know what's going to happen now. All I know is I gave Cassie some ativan. I probably shouldn't do that, but she was so upset. She relaxed considerably and I'm hoping she got to sleep. Morning is going to suck. I have to get her up and get ready for school. She has to go tomorrow. It's been three days so that's enough. Time to go back to school. 

Okay, that's it for now. I need to get to sleep myself. I watched "Ghost Hunters" for the most part. Then I watched the new "Face/Off" which was really good. They had deadly animals and plants and had to incorporate them into something. Becky is a bitch though. I can't stand her. If she wins "Face/Off" I think I'll throw up. Now that's enough. Time for me to get to sleep - after the pancakes. I am exhausted and tomorrow is another day.

Day 58 - Just Haven't Wanted To Write

I'm tired and just depressed. In fact, I might keep this really short. Yesterday Linda, my kids' paternal grandma and someone I considered a good friend, died yesterday. We knew from the day before that. She had been on life support and it didn't look good. The kids have been particularly devistated. Jordan internalized it. Cassie was crying and depressed. I haven't cried yet, but it will come when I least expect it. I'm going to miss her. And now I worry about Grandpa Roger. He's not in the greatest of health either. And I know life is going to be hard without Linda.

Anyway, I let Cassie stay home these last two days from school. I've let her play with the computer for most of the day as something to distract her. I even let her go to her friend Jayelyn's today.

As for me, I'm depressed. I'm missing a good friend now. She was so happy about my progress with my weight loss and about my writing. At least the last thing she heard me ever say to her was that I loved her. It makes me a little happy. Not a lot, mind you. But at least it was about love. That there was no negativity between us. At least I hope not! I'm just not wanting to do much of anything. I just want to sleep all day. But tomorrow I have to get my ass back to the gym. I have to, though I don't want to.

Ah well. That's enough for now. I'm too tired to write more. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. At least I hope so.

Day 55 - Ending on a Low

The 2nd was a good day. I got my money and started my shopping. The first thing I got was my book "Vanish" by Tess Gerritsen. I wanted that book bad. Then I went to Walmart and did some regular shopping - toilet paper, nose spray, cat litter . . . I also got Cassie her book "Crescendo" which is the sequel to "Hush Hush." Cassie LOVED that book. I also found a Harlequin about a sheik, which are the type I collect. I also found "Independence Day" in the $5 bin and grabbed it. Then I went to get Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2, but they didn't have it so I called Best Buy and they had it for under $15! Needless to say, I got it from there. After that I got Karissa's flea ointment. That was a pain in the ass. I guess they were repaving the turn I needed and I had to detour. It wasn't horrible, but it was irritating. Still, I was able to get her the flea ointment and that's what was important. She wasn't too happy when I put it on here though. LOL! But I managed. She just hated that stuff going on her neck. Then again, maybe I would have been too if someone was putting some liquid something or other down my neck.

Needless to say, I was pretty happy with what I was able to get done. I also have money left to get "Breaking Dawn Part 1" should I chose to buy it. I also finished reading "Beautiful Creatures" and started "Vanish." 

On the 3rd I had to cancel my plans with Mark because my mom had a doctor's appointment - eye doctor. I went to McDonald's and had oatmeal and a diet Dr. Pepper. I spent the rest of the time reading. My mom took over an hour, but I didn't mind except that the McDonald's was COLD inside! Go figure. Then after my mom called I picked her up and we went to Walmart. While I was there I picked up a Woman's World, some pills for restless legs, Russell Stovers Sugar Free Strawberry cream candies and another Harlequin called "A Secret Birthright." I waited for my mom at the McDonald's there and read a little bit of that book. Turned out Mark was there too. He texted me, but didn't come up. He assumed that my mother wouldn't really be happy with his appearance and he was right. After he upset me over a motel room she doesn't like him. But what was really weird for me was when I got home, I got all kinds of emotional and I was so tired. Jason had wanted to come over, but I told him what was going on and he said for me to rest. I did. I slept for a good 12 hours at least. And of course, I started. The crazy thing is, it's been less than three weeks, I think, and I'm not bleed heavy. It's like the last one I barely bled at all, though I had waited for it to get heavy. This time, I don't know. There's more blood, but it doesn't seem like it's going to be a heavy flow at any point. 

Then today was okay for the most part. I've been tired all day and I am exhausted now, but the day was going okay. I had a good lunch. Then I was going to have two shakes. I only ended up with one shake and then some cuties and two meat balls. I think that was en0ough. But anyway, I get a call from Jason and he said I had to come over right away. He then put Cassie on the phone and she was crying. She told me something was wrong with Grandma Linda. I found out that she was dehydrated, that her blood sugar was low and she was not doing well. By the time I got over there, she was on life support. Cassie was just crying and I held her. I think this is her time. I can't imagine her surviving this. What shocked me was that John wasn't there. He was still with his girlfriend in Reno. I would have been at the hospital. But I guess everyone has their own priorities. Then Cassie is so upset because she can't go out there to be with them during this time. I know this is going to be hard on Cassie. Like how Jordan was effected by Grandpa Robinson's death. Though I think Jordan was closer to my dad than Cassie is to Grandma Linda. Still, I know she is so upset. Jordan is concerned, but he's not devistated. He might have been more prepared for this happening. I just wish it wasn't happening. Linda is such a good person with a good heart. But I guess when your time is up, it's up. 

Anyway, we'll hear when something changes, I'm sure. Rena is going to come over tomorrow. Cassie is going to breakfast with Jason and Susan, but then she's coming back. Her and I are going to watch Puppy Bowl VIII together. I don't know how Karissa's going to feel about Rena being in here. We'll see what happens.

Well, I'm ready for bed. I am tired and ready to sleep. Hopefully I'll sleep some.

Just A Good Time Today!

Well, I finally got my ass up relatively early. I got Cassie to school, came back and slept until 10:30am. I finally got up, got dressed, took my meds and left to go up to welfare. I stopped at McDonald's to get a soda.

It didn't take me that long to go there. Took me less time to turn in the paperwork! So I was on my way home very quickly. Then my mom had told me she'd wanted to get her toe nails done so I called her from the car to see if she was ready. Of course she wasn't so I went inside and I was just getting on the computer when she decided she was ready to go. LOL! She also gave me $20 to get a dozen bagels, cream cheese and two bananas. So I dropped her off at the nail place which is in the same place as the bagel place. I went to get bagels and my mother and I both wanted onion and garlic bagels. They didn't have any though, so they offered to make some if I'd come back in twenty minutes. I figured sure! Why not! I ended up making an appointment for Cassie to get a flu shot for next Saturday. I then called Grandma Linda. It was good to talk to her. I was telling her about the query letters and the publisher that I'm hoping to get in with. We didn't talk for too long, but she wanted to read the other books I have written. By the time we hung up it was time to get the bagels. I then went to Albertson's which is also in the same place and got more cream cheese and the two bananas. I also got water. I needed it! Then just as I was in the check out line my mom called and said she was done! It was perfect timing!

When we got back home I ate two bagels - pumpkin and onion. Yum!! Then I got back on the computer. I worked on stuff on Cafemom today - especially the Writer's Workshop then I posted stuff on a few other groups. I was inspired today for that. Then I got onto chat and talked and wrote with Patty B. It was pretty good fun! We came up with a very interesting story about Elves and evil. I think it's good! So I'm going to try to write with Patty tomorrow.

Jordan finally came bugging me for dinner. :-) I suppose I should have been hungry too, but I was pre-occupied with writing. My mom put in two frozen dinners for us. While we were waiting we ate a bagel each. Then I found out that my mom set the over on Warm instead of what it should have been on. So Jordan and I had to wait a little longer before we could eat. But it was good. I had my turkey and trimmings and he had salisbury steak. We ate watching "Monk."

Anyway, I still have two pages to write for "Crossfire" though I am not sure I'm going to do a whole two pages. I've got to get something down though. I need to work on it every day. Oh, and I sent Grandma Linda a copy of "Desert Savior" and "Fallen Angel." I warned her that they were just drafts. But I need to work on "Crossfire." I'm just so tired. Of course, "Sanctuary" is going to be on in twenty minutes. Maybe I'll just watch that then crash. I can try to write four pages tomorrow. Well, we'll see.

Between Sleeping and Suicidal Ideation I'm doing GREAT!

Well, I should have written an entry for yesterday, but instead, the last thing I wanted was to do anything that didn't involve sleeping. Welfare sent out an interviewer. Not that I didn't expect it, but not so soon. I talked to him. Showed him her bed and showed him her clothes. It all ended up going okay, but my mom freaked out. Now she wants Cassie home or else I'll be kicked out. I just couldn't deal with it and went to sleep and kept sleeping. I only woke up enough to eat dinner than went right back to sleep. Each time I woke up I tried to force myself back sleep. But around noon my mom woke me up today because she needed to go to the bank and wanted to go to Walmart, so I got up and took her. I felt like crap though. Shaking like crazy and just no energy. While she went to the bank I waited for her. I can't remember if I started reading or not. But she didn't take long. She then gave me $15 for fuel and $3 to get something to eat when we got to Walmart. She knew I wasn't feeling good. As soon as we got to Walmart it took me a little time to get a parking spot, but I ended up with a decent one. My mom got me a cart and then I headed inside and to Walmart. I found a place to sit and had two McChicken sandwiches and got a Diet Dr.Pepper. I was on my third refill when we left. I could bearly stand up and I tried talking to my mother about Cassie staying at Jason and Susan's and she said that if I didn't get her back that she would kick me out and she meant it because she doesn't want to lose her social security. But I don't know. Fucking John. He had to fuck everything up. Whatever. He's never getting custody of Cassie.

I was so depressed and so despondent. I just thought how Jason was going to hate me because Cassie was probably going to have to come home. I thought it would be better without me around. Of course, Jason did point out to me that Cassie would go to John and that got my thinking about some kind of legal paperwork where Jason and Susan would take custody of Cassie should I pass away. I had Jason pretty freaked out because I guess I told him things would be better without me. So when I asked for his address he said he wasn't going to give it to me, so I called Susan and explained to her that this is if ANYTHING happens to me. That way they get custody and there will be no problem there. Once I get it from Linda I'll get it Nortorized and then figure out where to keep it safe - give Jason and Susan a copy. That way should anything happen to me by accident or by my accord Cassie will go with them and NOT her father. It broke my heart to hear Jason almost cry to me about my being suicidal. I forget how much I matter to people. Actually after my dark half part of the day Jason and Susan invited me out to dinner. At that time I had also gotten an email from my Aussie. He loved hearing from me, but he was worried when I said I wanted to hurt myself. Then Rick, the guy I thought had blown me off didn't! So I wrote him back and we might get together once he's back in San Diego next month. He's looking for a lover and I wouldn't mind one. :-) We'll have to see how it goes. I'm up for something more casual than committed oriented.  Then Nicole called me and she read me some things that made me laugh. I needed that, so I got a lot of boosts when I needed them most. Oh and Jordan took his money and got us both Rolo McFlurries. Well, I kicked in a buck. But that was a nice treat too. 

Anyway, I took a shower then Jason and Susan arrived. We went to Cici's Pizza. That was such a nice treat. We also talked to Cassie on the way there and on the way back to my place. I was so full! LOL! Then I came home and took two shots of vodka - NOTHING! LOL! Of course I did just eat a bunch of pizza. I have to say that this evening has turned out pretty nice. I haven't posted anything on Cafemom in the last two days so I did do one post and said I'd be back to posting tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel myself going backwards a little. Think I'll close this up, finish watching "Wild Animal Repo" and then see about going back to sleep. I worry too much. And I know Cassie is going to hate me and her father when she has to come home. Jason won't be happy - okay enough. I can't get back into that thinking. Just watch TV and get ready for bed.

Keep calm.

All On a Saturday . . .

Today seems like it's been a really long day. Not really, but I feel it. I didn't sleep great, but I did get to talk to Cassie around 7:00am give or take before she left to go to Nevada and Roger and Linda. I was kind of upset when Jason told me that Linda had called him and thanked him for taking care of her and that she could see a difference in Cassie. I was like What the fuck?? They haven't seen her in YEARS! And they are going to say something like that about me. And then of course Jason telling me, like bragging in my face. He said for me not to take it that way, but how else do you take something like that? She's doing so much better now that her mother doesn't have her! Ugh!

Anyway, I put that out of my mind. I called Linda myself, but didn't say anything about what she'd said to Jason. I just let it go and talked with her and then with Cassie. Cassie was happy to be there and had already made friends with the dogs. I knew she would. She's great with animals. She's learned how to approach them. I guess I taught her something in her life. Well, it was good to hear her voice yet again.

Then Jason invites me over for a girls night with Susan. Then no, then yes, then no again and yes and no . . . then come over. So I get over there, Susan's gone. Jason and her were fighting and it was continuing over texting and phone calls. Eventually they came home and Jason started being all weird and he took his shorts off and was walking around making funny comments. It's not like I haven't seen him in the buff before. But it made me crack up and made Susan laugh. But eventually after puttering around on the computer and the fact that they decided to go to Sea World - which I thought was crazy from what he'd said about the parking lot earlier. But I headed home.

From there, I told Jordan (and my mother) that the Girls Night had been cancelled. I told her it was because Susan ended up not feeling well. I  mean, why go into the whole story if I don't have to, you know? But Jordan was happy because it meant we could go to the drive-in. I have to admit I was looking forward to that option too. He had to take care of a couple of things before we left and in that time I wrote a couple of poems. Nothing major but a couple of things for the Poetry Garden. I just feel this deep darkness inside. It's not completely out, but its oozing out slowly. But I feel it like a well or pool. I'm sure more poetry will come out of it.

I don't think my mother was thrilled that we were going to go to the movies, but I hadn't been to one in so long!! So Jordan and I left. We stopped at the 99 cent store to get batteries for the boom box, candy and drinks. I spent more than I should, but I enjoyed it all. When we got to the Drive-In, I was bummed out though. They raised their prices from $6.50 to $8.00. I was like, HUH?? But I paid it and we went inside. Jordan was able to set the boom box to the right station easily. While we waited I read more of "Torment" which is still just as good as ever. Then we watched "Captain America" and "Transformers: Dark of the Moon." "Captain America" was okay. I enjoyed it, but some of it didn't hold my attention completely. But "Transformers?" WOW! It held my attention from beginning to end. I definitely enjoyed that one more. But it was just really nice to be able to go to the movies. I guess it's been about a year or so since I was able to go.

Anyway, on the way home we stopped at McDonald's with the last of the money. I got him a couple of McDoubles. I got myself one and a drink, of course. Though I probably won't finish it tonight unless I want to go pee constantly. I am tired now. It's coming up on 3:00am so I need to take my meds and go to sleep. I hope Karissa stops talking for the night! LOL! She talked a full half hour when we got home. I guess she missed us! :-)

Something Is Wrong With Me

I think something is wrong with me. I woke up this morning around 5:00am to let Cassie in and sleep. Went back to sleep until 7:05am to get Cassie to school. I then came back and crashed all over again. I vaguely remember Cassie coming in after her half day of school to grab something, but I don't remember exactly what. I drifted back to sleep almost immediately and slept until 2:30pm or so. I could barely wake up though. I really just kept having to fight to stay awake. It took me like 15 minutes. I had to wake up because my mom needed to go to the bank. So I got dressed and took her. She gave me money for fuel which I really, really needed and then wanted to go to KFC for dinner.

That was nice. My mom bought a big old meal of 16 pieces of chicken. It was so we could have it for a late lunch and dinner. But by the time I got there I was sooooo thirsty. I mean, I was like, please get me a drink. You know, KFC gave me a decent sized cup for water. Not like the crappy little tiny baby cups they give you at McDonald's for water. But then I was also so fatigued I could barely move. I took the food and went out to the car as my mom finished paying and getting some water for herself and it was so hot out today too. Not as hot as it gets during the end of Summer, but OMG it was bad enough. So that drained me further.

By the time we got home, I couldn't barely stand up. I pulled the food out of the bags and then just about went down. I had to go sit. My mom was nice enough to make me a plate. I felt a little bit better after eating, but I was still just weak. I actually thought about calling for an ambulance, but I didn't. Jordan suggested I go lay down and see if that didn't help. Well, I laid down and went back to sleep again. Kept sleeping until around 7:30pm when Jason calls my mom and tells me I need to call him. It's very important. Well, he calls me before I can call him back and I find out that John sent some text to Cassie about "Mom's in the hospital with congestive heart failure and her kidneys are shutting down." Well, Cassie thought it was me he was talking about and she flipped out because she couldn't reach me. I ended up calling John and confirming the text because it got sent to me as well. Linda is going to have to go on dialysis and I don't know how long she'll last with congestive heart failure. You just get worse with it.

Anyway, I called Cassie back and reassured her that I was okay. She told me Jason had called and told her, but now she was crying about Grandma Linda because she doesn't want her to die. How she hadn't seen her in four years . . . She was really, really upset and it broke my heart.

After that, I watched some TV. Called Nicole and listened to her voicemail message for April Fool's Day. It's was funny. She's done it before where she starts talking and it takes a moment or so before you realize that it's just a recording and she tells you that. But it also turned out that her phone and dropped out of her pocket and into the toilet so she's punked herself today! It was funny to listen to, but that sucked. However, she called me back. Told me that her phone was okay. That it had been put into rice to help dry it out. It worked at least.

Then I checked a couple of things online and Jordan came in and told me he was hungry so we had our dinner. I out things together in cake pans and put them in the oven. I wish the microwave was working, but it worked out well. Together we ate watching "Pineapple Express" or part of it anyway. And the KFC was just as good as it was the first time around. By the time we were done we were full.

Anyway, I came back to my room to write this. I've watched the beginning of "Pineapple Express" now, but I'm again tired and think I'll be going back to sleep. I don't feel up to watching the funny pot heads. Maybe I'll eventually watch it all. But I think I want to go to sleep now. I am just too tired and too sleepy and maybe I need to go to the doctor if this continues. Guess we'll see how I am in the morning.