The Middle

Well, I haven't had anything that I have wanted to share over the last few days. They've been good, but a bit stressful. I've also been tired. One of my many issues at night now. I remember when I used to stay up all night and sleep all day as a teenager. I also remember staying up for 36-48 hours at a time, sleeping for 8-10 hours and do it all again. When I lived with my mother and sister, I never wanted to get up. I didn't want to deal with them - the put downs, the threats, the criticism . . . It was just easier to sleep all day and be up all night. I would avoid most of their abuses. Amazingly now, I wake up at around 7am to 10am at the absolute latest and by the time it hits about 8pm, I am done for the night. But tonight I'm a little more awake than usual and I haven't taken my night meds yet. But I'm happy here. I don't feel like I am constantly under attack like I was there.. And because I can wake up happy in the morning, I don't mind doing things around the house. I am no longer being judged on how I do things. I can just do them and be happy! :-) My life has really changed a lot.

There have been stresses though lately. There have been some marital issues. I can't go into it. It's not part of my life, except I feel like I'm in the middle a bit because I love them both. I also feel frustrated that I can't help. Then there's the issue of Cassi. Talk about a teenager with attitude!! I love her with all my heart and wouldn't want my life without her, but she argues everything and she always has an attitude with Jason and Susan. I know she's frustrated too. She doesn't have a room of her own and she feels like they breathe down her neck when they don't. They do try to discipline her from time to time and it doesn't go over well because they don't like how I raise her, but really, they can't do much except kick me out, but they don't want to do that. They love us! But then I feel like I am in between her and them. Then I feel like I get put down as a parent, but it doesn't happen very often. It's just we disagree with my way of doing things. I'm sure they are right on a lot of things, but if I wasn't the way I was, I wouldn't know about all the things she is doing. If I had been a total judgement ass, she still would have done it, I just wouldn't have known about it. Anyway, that's really not here or there. I just need a break from feeling in the middle of people. It drains my energy and brings my mood down. I felt it today, so tomorrow I just want to get up and do my usual things and just enjoy the day and stay out of the way of everyone, you know?

Oh, and I saw my Pdoc Wednesday. It was good! I like where I am with my meds and they work great! Also, they weighed me and I am 315 lbs! I haven't lost weight, but I haven't gained anything either! Which I think is amazing. I have really been eating pretty bad, though I have to say that I may bake a lot now, but I don't over indulge. In fact, I can't seem to have a lot of sweets anymore. I just don't want them much. Maybe that's the start of me losing weight again. I have to say it would be nice to be in the 200's and not the 300's. But I am thrilled that I didn't gain anything. I was really worried when I got on the scale! I was afraid I might have gained like 20 lbs. So glad I didn't! It also makes me feel like maybe if I lost more weight, I would be able to keep it off. Always hope for the future! :-)

Poor Cassi is sick with a cold. She ran herself ragged for about 2-3 days in a row, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough and being around people who were sick. It's been a long time since she's been sick like this though. At least it hasn't kept her down. She finally got some good sleep today and she's been eating. She even felt good enough to hang with her friends outside at the tables. Her friends are a band and she's going to be their official photographer. It might just be a dream, but dreams can be reality. We'll see what happens! 

Oh! And I just finished reading "Roses are Red." This book by James Patterson was great! Even though I knew who was behind everything in the story (been reading the books out of order), the book was amazing! It was thrilling from the beginning to the very end! And the ending was PERFECT! Tomorrow I'll start reading "Violets are Blue." I love his character Detective Alex Cross! I hope he continues to write more books for him, as I catch up with the ones I haven't read it. If you have never read an Alex Cross book by James Patterson and you love action and thrills, mysteries unfolding . . . you'll love it! 

Okay, well I am way late! I should have taken my meds hours ago and been to sleep! LOL! But I needed to get some of this out. At least it wasn't like some of my more unpleasant, angry entries. But it is time for bed and I am definitely ready! I just hope I don't have anymore weird dreams! I had this dream that I was in my mom's place and yet it wasn't. And I kept finding Betta fish in dirty tanks. Some were several in a tank. But as I cleaned them out, they started fighting with each other, so I'm struggling to find different containers to use to separate and clean them, but there had to be like 200 fish! But I just remember I was trying to save them from the bad water and then trying to save them from each other and I was so stressed out, but I kept at it. Go figure. It must symbolize something, but only God would understand I think! LOL!

Okay, bedtime. Goodnight!

A Tad Bit Exhausted

What can I say? I went to sleep late and I woke up early! I was awake until about 12:20am. I usually don't stay up that late and I thought maybe I wouldn't be able to sleep, but I drifted off. But then I woke up around 6:30am and just couldn't go back to sleep. I was tired though, but I just kept working on my To Do List. I got a lot of it done early - took my morning meds, fed the Betta fish, gave Karissa treats . . . When it was time I let Jordan know it was time to take his med. Then I started a letter to one of my prisoner friends. I couldn't really work on my story though. Being tired like this creates problems for me. I just can't seem to concentrate. It's kind of why I didn't get far with my letter either. Putting those words together is challenging. LOL! At least like this! Tomorrow my goal is to finish the letter and get it out in the mail, but I have to get sleep tonight! I think I'll be going to sleep early tonight. That would solve everything! Well, the writing part of things anyway! ;-)

I made dinner tonight. I cooked my Taco Rice Dinner. The rice had too much liquid left, but it didn't take away any of the taste! It was delicious served in soft tortillas with shredded cheese and sour cream! It is so simple to make! I might post the recipe. I mean, literally, it doesn't get much easier. Okay, I'll post the recipe now.

Taco Rice Dinner

2 pkgs of Taco Rice sides

1 lb ground turkey

1 packet Taco Seasoning

Tortillas

Fiesta Shredded cheese blend

Sour Cream

Anything else you want to use as a topping

Prepare rice according to pkg directions. I use the microwave directions. While that's cooking, cook your ground turkey - can spice with garlic powder, black pepper and maybe a little salt. Don't drain because you don't have to. Add the taco seasoning to the cooked turkey and mix in well. 

Once the rice is done, add the ground turkey to it and mix together. Serve in tortillas and top with the cheese and sour cream or anything else you might want to add.

Last thing, enjoy! It generally serves 4-6 people I think. 

Anyway, it's a hit around here. It makes me happy to be able to cook. I didn't really feel up to it tonight, but it was just so easy. So I threw it together and though there was a little too much liquid in the rice, it didn't take away any of the flavor! :-) It's nice to be able to cook easy but yummy dinners. I want to start getting into using the crock pot more too!

What else can I say? Not much, I guess! LOL! I am just freakin' tired. Think I'm going to take a quick bath, take my night meds and go to sleep . . . I think sleep will be good tonight and I look forward to tomorrow. It's MY birthday! Not that there's anything planned, but it will just be a good day. I know it will!

That's it for this note from my insane mind! We'll see how sane I'll be tomorrow! ;-)

Friendships, Relationships and Shopping Oh My!!

Well, I am STILL exhausted! I did get a shower in today. I was also able to put fuel in the car and pick up a few things from the store - from a portion of the child support I get for Cassi. The poor thing was so tired this afternoon she just crashed and is just out for the count! But she hadn't slept well this weekend even though she spent it with her boyfriend. But she's had a lot on her mind. She would almost be in her 9th month of pregnancy if she hadn't lost the baby. The thing is, we all know that it was probably a good thing for her, but, you know, it was still a little life she carried inside her for almost three months. It's not like she was going to just forget. And so she's been thinking about the baby. That was one big reason that I let her stay with her boyfriend so they could talk and she could cuddle him while gong through some of the emotions. It would have been worse if she'd been here. Not that anyone would bother her, but that she wouldn't have anything to distract her and then she's ruminate on it. Not good. Then this morning she wanted to go talk to Robbie. I think she was the father of the baby, the way the math worked out, so I was worried what might happen. The last thing I wanted to see was her getting back together with him. He was not a god influence either. I mean, Cassi can find her own trouble. She doesn't need help! And he was nothing but trouble. But after him she had a tendency to go through boyfriends like toilet paper until now! She has a very nice boyfriend now and he is a good kid. He wants to be a police officer and maybe go into the FBI. Means no drugs or alcohol and they get along so well that she really likes him a lot. She might even love him! And he feels the same for her. He is supportive and loving toward her. He's respectful and he is a good influence. He also loves animals too! And they have already been talking about the future and they both can see one together! So here are my fingers crossed! You might think she's a little young to think about the future, but she could use a real relationship and who knows! Maybe they were meant to be! :-)

Anyway, today I managed to find a few great recipes that I want to try - maybe next month. I got a letter the other day from my sister, Diana. She was nice enough to pay my storage for four months. But I get to take over in October which is also the month my rent goes up. :-( It's not going to bode well for the end of the year, but I will somehow make it work.

I also made fat free honey corn bread and it tastes funny. I think we need to go back to the regular. That's the kind Cassi and I prefer and Susan might too after she tries this. I mean, not that it's horrible, it just doesn't taste right. I also bought honey to put on it. Susan hates honey though, so it's more for Cassi and I. Not sure Jason likes honey or not. Of course, I also like honey on fried chicken. I know, I'm weird! LOL! I also picked up more decaf coffee, though I might make regular coffee tomorrow if I'm this tired again! I'll need something to perk me up! I also got more Almond Joy creamer. That stuff is delicious! I also got some nutty bars. I had one, but gave Cassi one also. Needless to say, I share! :-) 

Well, I am still exhausted and I want to finish a letter to a prisoner I write to. I don't know if I will because I am really exhausted, but I'm going to try! So ciao for now! 

Short N Sweet

I didn't do much today so I won't be saying much. I would talk about yesterday, but it wasn't that interesting either. Basically I played on Cafemom and in all the forums. I did VERY little writing on my Fan Fiction "Savior" with Eyal Lavin. Then I read probably a good 100 pages of "The Sinner" by Tess Gerritsen. She weaves such great tales.

Anyway, today I slept until around 1:00pm or so. I even got coffee, but it wasn't enough to keep me awake. There was a "Dirty Jobs" marathon and I just kept nodding off. I did get to see Mike with the Tyliger. It was awesome. The tyliger was so cute!! I finally woke up around 5:30pm with Cassie calling me. She wanted money for this sweater she wants. I said okay, but I really wish she hadn't asked. I could have said no, but I didn't want to say no either. Not to be a bad guy but because I didn't want to feel selfish. So I don't know when she wants to get the money, but it's hers.

Well, I didn't eat dinner. Not that my mom cooked. I think the coffee just made me not hungry. I did have some cranberry bread that my mom made though and it was pretty good though she needed to put in more cranberries. I also went out to McDonald's and got myself a Diet Dr. Pepper and looked at the Christmas lights. Crazy Uncle Steve has his lights going! :-) So I'm going to get batteries and then maybe my mom and Jordan will come and we'll go watch the lights together.

Anyway, tonight I played on Cafemom and I even worked on my Fan Fiction "Savior" and then I watched "Cupcake Wars," "The Next Iron Chef - Super Chefs," and a Holiday "Iron Chef America." The secret ingredient was Alton Brown's Fruitcake!! It was awesome. Now I'm watching "Around the World in 80 ways." I think it's the last episode.

Well, I guess that's about it. I might do a little more writing tonight. Or I might do some reading or I might just go to sleep. We'll see. But it's been a decent day, even if I kept napping through it!


I Finished My Fantasy Story!!

It took me almost all day and really, I was distracted on and off. But I set my mind to finish it today and tried to go easy on the sex, which I did. LOL! But it was so much fun to write! I could have kept going with it, but I just wanted it done and posted. Now I'll have to figure out another to  work on maybe. Well, I should do some editing and working on my own stories - I mean books. But it was so much fun to write my "007 - Love Me." Dumb Title but it works. I just loved writing it. And that's what my writing was missing for awhile - FUN! Maybe I can get that back now since I had so much fun with this story.

Anyway, I slept until 3:00pm or so. I slept like crap and I didn't sleep again until 7:00 - 8:00am. Then just bad sleep. My stomach has felt weird. I had that attack of Diahrreah yesterday. But I guess because I slept like crap I have been tired all day. I feel like I could lay down and go to sleep, but who knows if I would sleep. But I'm going to try here shortly. I am taking a muscle relaxer that Jordan picked up for me at the store.

Diana is starting to turn into a bitch again. I can feel it. She finds things. Acts like they were just done OR done just with the purpose of pissing her or my mother off AND she's mad at me because I didn't like her soup. She said I couldn't get enough of it last time. Well. she did something different then because it didn't taste the same. I don't know what to do, but she's upset about that. This is another reason why I sleep all day. I don't want to be around her very much. And it seems like she is just NOT going to leave!! I will kill myself if she's not gone by the time Cassie starts school.

Anyway, Jordan woke up at around 9:30pm. He wasn't going to eat soup so I told him I'd take him to the store though I have to stop doing that. Anyway, I had medication to pick up too - one of which was the muscle relaxer. We then went to Vons and I got him a couple of little sandwiches and I let him get a drink and ice cream. I got Gold Peak green tea and eclaires. I just wasn't in the mood for ice cream.

I have a lot of anxiety tonight too and I think that's directly because of Diana.

I guess the only thing that I did besides writing was watching "Beyond Scared Straight" which is a good show - troubled teens get a look what life is like behind bars. I watched a couple I hadn't seen, but then they started showing ones I had seen so I just went back to writing my story. Which was much better anyway.

I hope Angel my writer friend on FANtastic Writers likes it.

Writing is Fun

Today was another day I didn't do much except write and it was kind of nice to just write for fun. This fantasy story about James Bond and my character is going very well. I haven't had this much fun writing in a long time. And I've written my first sexual scene in even longer! LOL! No, not really, but it's been awhile. And thinking of my blond Bond with the blue eyes and great body . . . I hope I'm capturing his voice and essense. But either way, it does come down to fun.

I didn't wake up until about 3:00pm give or take. I remember my mom saying her and Diana were going somewhere with the neighbor, but I did finally get up. And started writing.

I didn't do much else. Jordan slept all day so I didn't go out and get sandwiches until he woke up. Then I went to Vons, got a sandwich for both of us (because my mom was really tired and didn't feel up for cooking). I also got us soda and because it was only $5 I got a Tiramisu bar cake. I can't bring it in until my mom and Diana go to bed.

Other than that I half watched the end of "Golden Eye" and "Die Another Day" - Yes James Bond movies, but not the right Bond. Though I'm considering putting one of the two movies on after "Haven" is over unless I actually go back to sleep. I'm pretty tired. But since I slept all day, I think I might be up all day. Plus my  nose is giving me trouble at the moment. I don't know if my nose will stay clear enough for me to sleep. That sucks. But I am tired.

I do really want to finish this bond story, but not sure how I'll do it. This story might have another 10-12 pages before it's done. I need to have them go to Dunn's falls at the very least and decide what will be going on at the end. And I have to decide just how much of my life to put into it. Either way Kitty Langford is me. :-) And boy would it be wonderful to have a vacation where I was thin and with blond James Bond!

Okay, guess that's it for now. I know, not very interesting, but it is what it is. Tomorrow will probably be more of the same. :-)

Therapy, Reading and Writing

I woke up in the afternoon again and that didn't bother me. I think I just like sleeping through the mornings though I really do need to change that so that I can go back to the gym and go back to classes at Heartland. I was going to get my computer, but Jordan had just woken up and wanted to keep it. Since it wasn't imperative that I have it, I let him keep it. As for me, I was going through papers and my writing. I actually got inspired to finish a scene in "Crossfire" which I did and though I'm kind of stuck as for the next scene which I might just write off, I'm going to get them to the desert where she'll finally give herself to him. I've been working up to this point in the story. Then, of course, Rachel protecting Leila along with Johara. I'm wanting to actually work more on this story and I think today was a good start to that.

On the other hand, I just read a fantasy story about this girl meeting her dream guy - Bret Michael's or whatever his name is. Not someone I was interested in for sure, but it's made me think of the beginning of a story to write for myself. I don't know as I'd write it first person though. I don't write first person well. But it might be the only way to make the story work as a fantasy. I have the guy picked though - Daniel Craig. Or James Bond. Not sure which because this would have to be an off-time for him to come across my character. Also Oded Fehr. He's gorgeous too, but not as many people know him. But I like to stick with characters because there are no wives and girlfriends to deal with. Like I know Daniel Craig just married Rachel Weisz so I wouldn't feel right about writing about HIM. But Bond . . . that I could do! I think I'll see what I can do with that one.

Anyway, today was really just a quiet day. I did some writing as I mentioned and then I went to therapy. I talked about a lot of different things - and how I think my inspiration lately have been having someone new in my life. I'll either write an email or call tomorrow. I hope Rick is still interested in me. I hate feeling unsure, but I guess that's how it goes. And it's not like we're more than friends and lovers. Actually we need to work more on the friends part. Still, his son just got home and I don't want to interrupt that time.

After therapy, I came home, only to realize that I hadn't gotten any fish for Mr. Crabbs and so headed back out to Kahoots, bought five goldfish and these were stupid ones and got eaten up almost immediately and what a piggy Mr. Crabbs is!

Once I got home, my mom had dinner ready which was great! I managed to spill katchup on my shirt like an idiot so I actually took time to wash it out. I usually don't, but I guess I just didn't want this particular shirt mucked up. After that, I put on TV and watched two episodes of "Restaurant: Impossible" then I watched "Ghost Hunters International," and "Legend Quest" though I was kind of distracted by working on Cafemom posting on "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and reading my friend's story on FANtastic Writers. But that's inspired me as well.

The only other thing I have done tonight is go to the store with Jordan. I really wanted ice cream. We went to Vons and we each got a flavor of Ben & Jerry's. I got a limited batch flavor called Fair Goodness Cake! It was German Chocolate cake, caramel, coconut . . . Jordan got his usual Fudge Brownie Chunk or whatever it's called. I also got two eclairs and Jordan a bag of chips. I am so full!!! Ah well. I want to be good, but there's part of me that's just so bad . . .

Anyway, that's all I really have for the time being. Tomorrow is yet another day and hopefully I'll get some writing done all around. Here's hopings!

Just a Quiet Day

Wow I'm still tired. I finally got some sleep I still didn't sleep until like 4:00am, but the good news is that my mom and Diana had the neighbor take them to Costco. For me that meant I got to sleep and I slept until 3:00pm. I'm still tired now and hopefully I'll be going to sleep again soon. That would be ideal. I'm not even sure what's on tonight as far as TV goes. Can't remember.

Anyway, I've been on the computer since I've been awake. I finally got stuff posted on "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" on Cafemom. I posted a couple more stories on "FANtastic Writers." I also watched a few episodes of "Haven" which were good. I got to see most of one I had missed.

My mom made a simple dinner and it was good. We had chicken, beans and salad. It was awesome and I enjoyed it, but I was glad to get back to my room and get back to playing on Cafemom. That and watch a couple of "Cupcake Wars." Also watching an episode of "Chopped" and I think I'll be watching the mid-season finale of "Covert Affairs" at least I think unless I have the times mixed up. Either way, it's okay. If I don't catch that tonight I'll see it on Thursday. I'm glad USA re-airs things.

Well, I don't foresee anything else happening so I'm going to close this up. Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting. At least I have therapy tomorrow.



Tired to Terrific!

My brain just doesn't want to work!! And it's frustrating the crap out of me! I want to write, but it's been a struggle today. Even just writing posts for the Cafemom groups. I don't even feel like posting to "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" I don't know. I tried to start another fanfiction that has me as the main person, but I think that might be too personal so I might rewrite it with a different me in place. That way I can write third person, which is what I'm more comfortable writing anyway. But as I've tried to focus and do more writing or gather ideas for more stories, NOTHING comes to me. If this is writer's block I'm screwed. I don't know how to get passed it. I'm also tired. That might have something to do with it. I didn't fall asleep until after 5:00am. Of course, I also slept until 2:00pm so it's not like I didn't get enough sleep, but I wanted to sleep a lot longer. I'm so tired now, but I doubt I'll sleep yet. It kinda sucks. Wish I could sleep when I wanted to, but it never works that way for me. But I just want to sleep and I want to write. Guess they don't go together too well. LOL!

This new group I joined on Cafemom is called something like "FANtastic Writers" or something like that. So I figured I'm going to post some of my older stuff and maybe get inspired to write something new. I'll have to really just relax, try to wake up without being tired.

Tonight I took Jordan to McDonald's and we got ice cream and fruit pies. After that, we went to Albertson's and got drinks plus cupcakes and a woman's world. When we got home, I had a call from Jason. Then I called Rick because he'd left me a message. I am actually trying to wrap this up because he's coming over and we're going to have some fun. I don't know what my mother will think of this, but oh well! LOL! I am all hot and bothered and I'm ready for the company!

I can't put on make-up though because of the rash around my eyes, but I did put up my hair that looks good on me. Now I just need to run to the bathroom, give Jordan the computer and all will be well. Maybe I will sleep tonight after all, though last time it energized me! LOL! We'll see!

Oh and Cassie came back from Nevada today! Yay!

Lazy Day

Well, it's another day of having slept most of the day. I guess I just don't want to wake up with Diana here. I have nothing to do. Jordan ends up with my computer for a good part of the day. Not that I have the energy to do a lot of what I'd want. Actually, I just don't do that much. Eventually I need to start writing again. I need to get back into "Assassin's Seduction" and then see if I can't get it sold. I really think I could. I want to see it in print. And someone has got to want it. I just hate getting turned down. It sucks and it hurts even when I don't want it to. I don't know how to steel myself from the sting. But I can't just give up either.

Anyway, I didn't get up until it was time for dinner. My mom made us Cheese Burgers (Grilled Onions!! Yummy!) and then homemade applesauce. I ate a bunch. I should have grabbed a ton of onions too. But the two burgers and applesauce filled me up. After that, I got Jordan to get me some water. I was dying of thirst. After I got back to my room, I laid back down, but I put on an old "Iron Chef America" followed by "Restaurant: Impossible" which was great. I do like that show a lot. Then I got to watch a "Cupcake Wars" that I hadn't seen before so that was cool.

Once 8:00pm, I got the computer from Jordan and I actually have a thread going in my group "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" It's great! So I also tried to ask more questions than post anything else. Maybe we'll get a couple more threads actually going. That was be so cool!! And it does prove that I have people that like the group and come to the group. They just haven't participated. I've also been watching "Deadliest Catch" and now I'm watching "Alaska Monster Hunting" with the Hilstrand brothers from the Time Bandit! They're going to go after a monster the looks like the Loch Ness monster so it should be interesting.

Anyway, I'm going to take my meds, check my groups one more time and then I'm just going to chill out until I can get back to sleep!

A Little Bit of Everything

Wow, I don't feel very good. I have had no energy today. I did wake up around 11:30am because my mom wanted to go to Costco. But then she changed her mind about when she wanted to go, so I went back to sleep. Not that I was particularly tired, but I was tired enough. Then my mom woke me up around 2:00pm or so and we took off to Costco. I wanted to stay in the car, but it was so hot and my mom said that she had so much to get, so I went in. I had no energy though. I knew it was bad when I had to sit down before even going into the store. I was bummed too because I found a book I wanted. Unfortunately it was a new hardcover - "The Silent Girl" by Tess Gerritsen. But it was $15. I might be able to find it at Walmart next month. I really found it hard to get through the list she gave me. Then I went to sit down and wait for her, so I got some reading in, but I had forgotten the lemon so I had to go all the way to the back of the store again to get them. I couldn't wait to get out of there. 

When we got home Jordan brought in the stuff from the store and Diana made Croissant sandwiches for us. Jordan and I were still kinda hungry so we got ice cream sandwiches. I also got the computer after that and checked my "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group. Someone had replied to someone else's post, which was a good thing. I could probably reply to that one too. Maybe we could get more people posting. At least I wish I could get people posting . . . ah well.

After awhile I had Jordan come with me to go to the pharmacy. Had to get my ativan!! Then we also went into Vons. Jordan and I were still kinda hungry and they had a large sub sandwich. I bought that, got drinks, I also got some of these cream cheese raspberry puff things and candy bars. I kinda went overboard, but it was good. As soon as we got home we went into my room and split the sandwich. We watched the end of "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" and then he watched part of "Eureka" with me. I got back online again and tried to catch up with some of my other groups. I also watched "The Closer" and it was again another good episode. However Pope is throwing Brenda under the bus to keep his new position as Chief. What an ass!! And I'm watching "Rizzoli & Isles." I love this show!! Two of my favorite characters!! 

Anyway, I am exhausted and think I'm going to crash right after the show is over. But for now, I'm going to finish watching the show, take my meds and just relax.

Day After the Beach

This is going to be kinda short I think. Yesterday was so much fun, but I'll tell you, it took a lot out of me. In fact, as much as we all tried to keep me from burning I still did anyway. It's been hurting me a bit. But I was also so tired. I finished reading "Fallen" which was great and I am glad I have "Torment." I started reading it today - at least the prologue. But what I did most of the day was sleep! I slept and slept until it was time for dinner around 6:30pm. I don't know if it's because I took a muscle relaxant or what, but I was exhausted. Even now, I'm getting close to wanting to sleep again. I feel it in my bones.

Dinner was good. My mom was nice enough to make dinner for Jordan and I. It was the left-over spaghetti from yesterday and yummy salad and then peas. It was good. Jordan and I stayed out there for awhile. He did a couple of things for my mom. He was supposed to do dishes, but he didn't. I can't really blame him because Diana was downstairs. We watched some of "Collateral Damage" but then it was time for "Leverage" and it was the first episode I have been able to watch. Then I was working on Cafemom and was half watching "Finding Bigfoot." They are wrapping up their short season, I guess. They will be back, but I guess they're done for now. I'll double check next week. Now I'm watching "The Glades." It's a good one then I'm going to sleep. My mom and Diana want to go to Costco tomorrow, so I have to make sure I get up relatively early. 

I guess that's really it. Most of today I was sleeping and I'm still tired. Go figure. But at least it wasn't a bad day. I do need medication either tomorrow or tonight. Depends on how I feel and how Jordan is. I am out of ativan, which isn't a good thing with Diana here. So we'll see what'll happens. Ativan take me away. LOL!

Not Much Doing

Well, I blew off my appointment to get that piece replaced on my car. I rescheduled the appointment for Wednesday morning. I'll be missing class that day, but it's just how it is.

I ended up sleeping almost all day. I didn't get up until 6:00pm. I just didn't want to get up. Then I've been snacking on crap all day. I'm going to gain another 10 pounds at this rate. That sucks, but I really am just wanting to eat and eat what I want. The Kettle Corn has been really good though and I still have some left.

But other than snacking, I haven't done much else. I just have been on Cafemom. I watched a special on HLN called "Justice for Caylee" which isn't even possible. It ticks me off. But I watched that. Then other than that, I watched something on T-rex on Discovery and then "Mythbusters" came on and I've been watching that since. OF course, it's to the point now where they are repeating. Ah well. I am feeling a bit tired so I might go back to sleep here shortly.

I did eat something of a dinner. I ate rice with sweet and sour sauce. I wanted BBQ sauce, but we didn't have any, which sucked. It tasted good enough. There's still a little rice left, but I think I'll leave that alone for now. Anyway, one more snack and then it's back to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and do more.             

Another Day Another Time For the Bitch!

I don't have much to say today. I slept almost the whole day. I wanted to. I have to wake up so early tomorrow it sucks. But I have to go to Welfare. I need to fill out the paperwork too. I just wish I didn't have to do it. Especially because I have hardly any fuel left and I just hate it. But we have to do what we have to do. 

My mom had a cow with the fact that I was sleeping so late and that Jordan did too. He slept longer than I did. I finally got up and watched some TV and got online. My mom or Diana had made dinner and I got Jordan up to eat and do dishes while Diana was on a walk. Of course, when she got home, she started yelling at mom. Whatever. It will come back to me sooner or later. As it is my mother has still been a bitch to me. She has been so verbally abusive. It's hard to be back in this position. It really is. I'm having heartburn every night. I am always anxious. I'm always tired. Emotionally this crap is just draining. And I can't say anything because I'm always wrong. Doesn't matter if I were right. I would be wrong no matter what. I fricken hate it. I just wish Diana would just go back to Dave or drop dead. I hate her. And now my mom says that they might not go to the family reunion! OMG!! Kill me now! I need a break from them! I need that week break!! Ugh! IF there really is a God, He will make them go to it and get them out of my life for a week so I don't flip out. I'll tell you, I don't know how much I can take if Diana is here. I have wanted to cut almost every day several times a day. What can I do? And if I leave they will do what they want with my room. I would be leaving Jordan alone here to fend for himself . . . I don't know. I don't know what to do. 

I'm going to hope that my food money is in tonight. I want to do some food shopping. Nothing major. Just want to get some snacks and stuff. My mom and Diana will have a cow, but you know, whatever. Then stop stressing me out! They have the attitude that I should do what they want if I want them to stop. Well, I want the same thing. I want them to stop before I give up my treats. Well, nothing is going to change though. I know it for a fact. That's how it goes here. My stress level isn't going to go down, so my stress eating isn't going to go down. I won't even try to stop it right now. I should, but I don't want to. I guess I just stuff with food. It will make me feel a little better at the moment. It may not later, but it will work for now.

Well, since I'm going to go out to Walmart in a bit and go shopping, I think I should get dressed. :-P I just hope my food money is in so I don't look like an idiot in line. I might have to take my heartburn medicine now. I hate that it's happening everynight. Anyway, I suppose that's it for now. I am hating life at the moment, but there's nothing I can do about it. So there you have it. Crap on crap. I just need to get dressed and finish watching "Haunted Collector" season finale. Almost can't wait to get to the store.

                  

Panic Attack

Today has definitely been a stressful day. I spent most of it sleeping, but it's because of stress and not wanting to wake up. Literally, it's the last day before my lovely sister Diana is coming to visit and I am just dreading it. I thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I got Jordan to stay somewhere else. Well, I did that. He's at Tim's. But I don't feel much better. I am still just freaking out and I hate it. It is wearing me down physically and mentally. I am constantly feeling tired. I didn't get up until almost 5:00pm and for much of that time I was fighting off anxiety - my stomach has been turning over and over. I have been shaking on and off. I worry that anything out of place is going to give her a hissy fit. Like my clothes are in the family room. I didn't bring them into my room because I just have no place to put them yet, but I could see her getting on my ass about it. And about how the cat is inside the house now. And the fact that my mother has now put the cat's food somewhere I can't get to it, so I'll have to ask her to get the food for me. Just another thing for her to freak out on me for. 

I know this might just be my mind making things out to be the worst case senario and I can't really know how she's going to act, but my body and mind can't seem to get past how she's treated me before. I can't see how she would have changed much. But I suppose you never know. But I am still dreading her arrival. It sucks to feel this way.

Outside of that I have been really depressed too. I think that's also from her arrival, plus not even having Jordan here and just feeling like I have to be on guard all the time now. 

I did spend several hours on Cafemom putting up more stuff in the groups. Someone actually participated in Moms Without Their Children, which was nice for a change. I was beginning to think no one was ever going to do anything. Kind of like "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group. I have three other members besides myself and so far I'm the only one posting. Of course, I don't mind too much. I just want to be able to have this group get bigger and better. Maybe eventually people will start participating.

Anyway, I picked up some medication tonight. One of which was ativan. God knows I'll be living off them this month. I also grabbed green tea and a Ben & Jerry's ice cream - cake batter. It was pretty good. I should have gotten Red Velvet cake. Next time I will. I watched "Haunted Collector" which was pretty good. And now I'll take my meds and maybe sleep again. God knows I don't really want to stay up.

Lazy Day

Today was a decent day. I am pretty convinced that I was in a hypomanic state the last few days. However I'm not depressed so things are good! In fact, after I got up and had some raisin toast and iced coffee I read over and edited "Crossfire" some more which I wouldn't have been able to do if things had completely reversed. So I think things are still going in a good direction. :-) Maybe at a calmer rate! LOL! It really must have taken a lot out of me though because today I have slept and slept. I got up around 10:00am because I didn't want to sleep all day, but by noon or 1:00pm I was out. Then I got up for a little bit. Had dinner. Crashed  out again! I did wake up in time to do dishes for my mom and I've been awake since then, but I'm still tired even now. I've also been really, really thirsty. But that's not really unusual. The only thing I can think of is that the not sleeping well that I was attributing to just being stressed out about my money was really a mini episode and a few days of that pace took a lot out of me. Who knows, maybe I'll go back to sleep shortly.

Anyway, other than that I've had a good time listening to the music CDs Denise made me a long time ago. They have a great mix of 80s and older music. So many of the songs take me back. It's cool! Makes me think of Ada, Nicky, Nicole, Denise, Margo . . . Things were never 100% easy between all of us all the time. Usually someone was upset with someone, but for the most part there were a lot of good times and this music was a backdrop for it.

Well, I decided I was going to go to Walmart tonight. I shouldn't have, but I did. :-P I needed to get vitamins, but I also ended up getting a 25 cent bag of sour peach marshmallows, cherry cheese danishes, two candy bars, a 2 lt. bottle of grape crush and then something for Jordan. I told him if I ever found "The Patriot" for him I'd buy it. Well, it was his lucky day. I found it in the $5 bin. I shouldn't have bought it. I really don't have the money now that I went on my spending spree, but I did promise him and I doubt I would have found it again. It was the only one I saw. I think he'll be happy when I give it to him.

Anyway, it's almost midnight. I'm going to take time to write My Aussie, though I haven't heard from him. But it's Saturday where he is and he's with his family. He'll write me when he gets back to work, I think. But he likes it when I share my day with him. And I love that fact. It makes me feel closer to him too. And I'm going to listen to music for a bit and then maybe I'll go to sleep again. Outside of feeling like sleeping beauty it really was a pretty decent day! :-)

Frustration Mounting

I am so aggravated! My laptop is down. I can't even get it past a blue screen. It won't load up on safe mode. It gives me some error that one of the files is corrupt. So basically, I get to pay $50 to get it fixed tomorrow and until then I get to use this crappy-ass desk top that has so many problems with it. I don't even know what's wrong with it except that over time it's dealt with a lot of errors and stuff. Maybe it has a couple of viruses for all I know. But the thing is, my laptop has ALL of my recent writing! Because I don't have a printer than can hook up to it, I have NO hard copies! It's horrifying thinking I might lose everything again. I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope they are able to save my files. I'm pretty sure they can, but it's a guess and I don't like guessing.

My mom and I almost game to heads when I asked her for the money. She pitched a bitch and then when she found out I was going to borrow it from Jason and Susan, she turned around, told me to use my money for it and she'll pay my car insurance this month. Of course, I have to pay her back next month, but to have my computer it's worth it. It'll suck that I have less money, but I have to have my computer.

Other than that, I didn't do much today. I slept late again. I didn't make it to the gym. This time I have a good reason. My body is still hurting and I don't know why it's hurting. It's all through my back, hips and legs. I was almost crying this morning. So anyway, I just slept. I don't remember to what time but it was definitely earlier than yesterday. Maybe it was an hour earlier or I take that back - two hours earlier. I think I woke up at around 1:00pm today. At least it wasn't 3:00pm. And tomorrow I am getting up at 8:15am. I'll take a 5-hour energy and be ready to take my laptop in. The appointment is for 11:00am. I am NOT missing that appointment for anything. Not unless one of the kids were dying or something.

I did go shopping today. Since my mom still feels like crap, I went and bought Stouffer's french bread pizzas. They were so good. Wish I would have bought more lettuce so we could have had a salad. My mom didn't want anything. I also grabbed the new Ben & Jerry's Velvet cake take off. It was yummy! I was going to share it with Jordan, but he wants nothing to do with it. I might get him one and me another one. LOL! But we'll see.

I think the ativan is starting to kick in a bit. That's a good thing. Tonight I just kicked back and watched the movie "Red" which was great!! What a fantastic cast and the story was fun! Then I watched "Being Human" which was a really emotional story. Aiden had to kill this little boy that his girlfriend had turned into a vampire. He loved that boy too. Josh was having problems with his girlfriend Nora because he's way over cautious, but he finally told her that the problem was him and that he'd hurt his family and that he didn't want to hurt her. She showed her abdomen which looked so scarred and immediately John was in protective mode telling her he would protect her from stuff and people like that. Awwww . . . I really like the show. Then I watched "Hawaii 5-0" which is equally as awesome! This time they were dealing with a serial killer! First they had to figure that part out because the murders were on other islands. But there's always the MO. Only this time a woman survived. Her husband dead, but she got away before the whacko could mutilate her. Awesome, Awesome!

Now I guess I'll try Happy Aquarium one more time before going to bed. But at least I was able to write my journal. Thank god for that.

Truly Sleeping Beauty

This will probably be one of my shortest entries ever. I literally spent almost all day sleeping. I stayed awake for a couple of hours today, but I was so tired I laid down and zonked out. I only woke up long enough for dinner and went to sleep again. I'm only awake now because I woke up in time to see most of "Royal Pains" and am going to finish "Fairly Legal". Hopefully I'll go back to sleep after that. But basically, I did no writing. No reading. Nothing of import. I was just freaken tired. Guess that's a good reason not to take so much stuff to help me sleep. I think I over did it and so the consequence was playing Sleeping Beauty today.

Well, tomorrow will be another day. An early day. Hopely my mind will feel fresh and alert unlike at the moment. LOL! Guess the only thing left is to take my night meds and go back to sleep. Just go easy on some of the meds.

Time to go back to playing Sleeping Beauty for now.