Day 39 - Tired and Aggravated

Today has been a bitch of a day. Not really bad to start with. I didn't wake up until noon and that was after Jason called me like three times in a row. Ugh! I couldn't go back to sleep after that - not that I should have slept later than that anyway, but still . . . Then Cassie called me around 1:00pm to pick her up from school because she wasn't feeling well. Then Cassie stayed with me for a bit. She ate some of my mom's fresh split pea soup but burnt her tongue. She survived. Then she made her bed quickly once Jason and Susan came to pick her up.

Things just got worse from there. I mean, I had fun making a Facebook for Karissa. But when Jason called me and told me that Cassie was spending the night I wasn't happy. He pulled all kinds of shit on me. Telling me I was a 40-year old woman afraid of my mom - like he even knows what I go through. He's an asshole. He really is sometimes to the point where I don't even want to hear from him. And of course, I found out that he talks shit behind my back. This is why, as much as I love him and appreciate what he'd done for Cassie and I, I don't trust him emotionally. He's way too volitale.

Then as if that wasn't bad enough I find out that Rena's going to be taken back. I knew someone had to have said something to make them say it wasn't working out and that they were going to pick her up. When I said that to Jason, he flipped out at me AGAIN!! I found out later than Susan had told them about the cats. Duh?? You don't do that. At least that's what Cassie said. And then Cassie was upset by that, and by Jason yelling at her. By him and Susan fighting. She was so upset she was thinking about coming back home. And again, she told me I'm the only one she trusts and that she has been thinking about coming home because of the constant yelling and such. I just hate the fact that Jason can act like a two year old and get everyone upset and he thinks "I'm Sorry" makes everything better. This has always been an issue for me.

And it's not like we're fighting right now or anything, but I am still not happy with him right now. Of course, I'm tired. My chest hurts. I feel like emotionally I've been on edge all day and it's just grown worse trying to deal with his ass.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm going to take my pills and go to sleep. I've had enough of today and of Jason . . . 



Good But Aggravating

I slept on the late side today. I actually woke up around noon, but then went back to sleep until my mom made sure I was awake at 1:30pm so I could go get Cassie. I got my coffee, ate three deviled eggs, my mom gave me money to get some foil at the grocery store and a list with coupons to use at Vons. I didn't find three of the things. Anyway, I went to pick up Cassie and while I waited I read more of "Passion." I really need to read it and get it done. It's a good book but for some reason I just keep putting it off.

Anyway, once I got Cassie we went to Vons. More than half the parking lot of blocked off for painting or whatever and we got lucky enough to get a spot. It was a pain though. Then we went inside. I got a sandwich for Cassie and I got one for me - though I ended up giving it to Jordan. I just wanted the liter of Dr. Pepper I got. But I got cake mixes, orange juice - Holday flavored creamers!!! Yum! It took longer than I wanted at the store. But it turned out that what took the longest was just trying to check out!! There were only two registers open! One being the express lane. Of course, I had too much to go there, but the line was huge there too!! It look probably 15 minutes or longer to get checked out.

As soon as we got back to the house Susan arrived to pick up Cassie and then drop Jason off. He wanted to hang out for a little bit. Also he flipped my mattress, thank God!!! I really needed that because I have gotten so scratched up by the broken springs. Then he asked me if I wanted to go over for dinner. I figured sure since I had $26 to put into my tank. So on the way over to his place we stopped at the gas station. Talk about another aggravation, there was this woman in a duley truck. The woman behind her finished pumping gas and left. I waited for her only to see her go into the store. I figured I'd be nice so the person behind us to could in too. But we finally gave up. In fact, this woman took so long that we had finished pumping gas before she'd even gotten into her truck! She like puttered around for 15-20 minutes. I just thought that was so rude. So did Jason.

Anyway, at Jason and Susan's Cassie was in the tub. She had also done her homework. Then after she got dressed she brought me Zippy and I got to cuddle with the little guy and listen to his chorttling. Sooooo sooooo sooooo cute!!! I love him. I'm a little nervous though because I'm taking care of him this weekend and I don't know how to take care of a guinea pig. But basically I just feed and play with him. :-) While we waited for Susan, we listened to some Christmas music. It might be a little early but why not get a head start on the Holiday Spirit. Once Susan got home she fixed dinner and it was delicious. She made a BBQ shake 'n bake chicken with mac 'n cheese and broccoli. But not long after dinner Cassie and I had to leave. She was going to do a load of laundry, but she ended up too tired. Jordan came into my room and spent time with me. We talked and I just hugged him for awhile. We talked about getting flavored vodka. I don't have the money, but maybe I will at some point. If he wants to do shots with me though, it'll have to be before the surgery. So we'll see what happens. But it was good we had that time together.

Now I'm just chilling out watching "Auction Kings Supersized" and I'm enjoying it a lot. They got a neat told TV that looked 50's futuristic and some stuff from President Carter for his humanitarian efforts. Anyway, I guess that's about it. I'm tired, so this is going to be the last thing I'm watching on TV, I think. Maybe tomorrow I'll get more reading done or maybe some writing. One thing is for sure, I have my therapy session. Can't miss that.

Frustration Mounting

I am so aggravated! My laptop is down. I can't even get it past a blue screen. It won't load up on safe mode. It gives me some error that one of the files is corrupt. So basically, I get to pay $50 to get it fixed tomorrow and until then I get to use this crappy-ass desk top that has so many problems with it. I don't even know what's wrong with it except that over time it's dealt with a lot of errors and stuff. Maybe it has a couple of viruses for all I know. But the thing is, my laptop has ALL of my recent writing! Because I don't have a printer than can hook up to it, I have NO hard copies! It's horrifying thinking I might lose everything again. I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope they are able to save my files. I'm pretty sure they can, but it's a guess and I don't like guessing.

My mom and I almost game to heads when I asked her for the money. She pitched a bitch and then when she found out I was going to borrow it from Jason and Susan, she turned around, told me to use my money for it and she'll pay my car insurance this month. Of course, I have to pay her back next month, but to have my computer it's worth it. It'll suck that I have less money, but I have to have my computer.

Other than that, I didn't do much today. I slept late again. I didn't make it to the gym. This time I have a good reason. My body is still hurting and I don't know why it's hurting. It's all through my back, hips and legs. I was almost crying this morning. So anyway, I just slept. I don't remember to what time but it was definitely earlier than yesterday. Maybe it was an hour earlier or I take that back - two hours earlier. I think I woke up at around 1:00pm today. At least it wasn't 3:00pm. And tomorrow I am getting up at 8:15am. I'll take a 5-hour energy and be ready to take my laptop in. The appointment is for 11:00am. I am NOT missing that appointment for anything. Not unless one of the kids were dying or something.

I did go shopping today. Since my mom still feels like crap, I went and bought Stouffer's french bread pizzas. They were so good. Wish I would have bought more lettuce so we could have had a salad. My mom didn't want anything. I also grabbed the new Ben & Jerry's Velvet cake take off. It was yummy! I was going to share it with Jordan, but he wants nothing to do with it. I might get him one and me another one. LOL! But we'll see.

I think the ativan is starting to kick in a bit. That's a good thing. Tonight I just kicked back and watched the movie "Red" which was great!! What a fantastic cast and the story was fun! Then I watched "Being Human" which was a really emotional story. Aiden had to kill this little boy that his girlfriend had turned into a vampire. He loved that boy too. Josh was having problems with his girlfriend Nora because he's way over cautious, but he finally told her that the problem was him and that he'd hurt his family and that he didn't want to hurt her. She showed her abdomen which looked so scarred and immediately John was in protective mode telling her he would protect her from stuff and people like that. Awwww . . . I really like the show. Then I watched "Hawaii 5-0" which is equally as awesome! This time they were dealing with a serial killer! First they had to figure that part out because the murders were on other islands. But there's always the MO. Only this time a woman survived. Her husband dead, but she got away before the whacko could mutilate her. Awesome, Awesome!

Now I guess I'll try Happy Aquarium one more time before going to bed. But at least I was able to write my journal. Thank god for that.

Decently Good!!

I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to start waking up early again. But tomorrow I'm setting the alarm and hopefully I'll wake up in the morning, stay awake and go to the gym. I need to go swimming. But today, I slept until almost 3:00pm. Technically it would have been 2:00pm, but we did have Daylight Savings Time start this morning. I was tired last night, but I would wake up and stay awake for awhile before going back to sleep. Tonight I have ativan to ease me into sleep and probably get deeper sleep. Maybe less dreaming too. I was dreaming about models last night, a party, a lost necklace . . . I can't remember the rest. Just strange. But that's the nature of dreams - to be strange and hidden in symbolism, which I suck at interpreting! LOL! Ah well.

My mom is sick today. She was ticked that I didn't get up early, but I did do the dishes which I told her I would do. What aggravates me is that she loves to say how impatient Jordan and I are when we want something (Cassie too), but she's just as impatient when SHE wants something or someone to do something. But I feel bad for her. She really doesn't feel good and I do worry. She thinks I don't care, but I do. I asked her if she wanted me to get her anything at the store and she just said to get Corned Beef and Cabbage. They were on sale. Oh and milk too. So I went to Vons and did just that. But I also wanted to try to find another book by Tess Gerritsen, but as luck would have it, the two used books stores that I knew of are out of business!!! And I also tried Target. They used to have a decent book section and really, the one they had at the one I went to sucked. Walmart's was better. At least at Walmart they carried three of her books. I saw none at Target. I was so frustrated!! Now I don't know what to do except to go to a book store and paying full price, which will have to wait until next month. I just wish I could have gotten another book by her. It sucks.

After I came back, I played on the computer for a bit. In fact, I added a bunch of songs to my Playlist. I was looking for songs by Trace Adkins and the funny thing is I could only find three songs and that was spelling his name Atkins. When I spelled it the right way, there was NOTHING. And just now, I tried Adtkins which is a really WRONG spelling and I got about 7 songs. Go figure! Found one of the songs I was looking for at least. Then I made dinner. It was nothing fantastic. It was just salad and Chef Boyardee beef raviolies. I had Jordan wash dishes and George wipe down the table. I had Jordan wake up grandma and ask her if she wanted any of it. She felt like crap still, but she took some of the ravioli and she said she wanted vanilla ice cream. It worked out well since the kids and I wanted Thin Mint ice cream. Jordan grabbed the containers, bowls and spoons and I dished it up. I thought the Thin Mint ice cream would be more minty. But the kids liked it. We were also watching "Jurassic Park" during dinner and dessert. I forgot how good that movie was. I couldn't help myself making comments during it. I just have some good recollections about the movie and the book.

I ended up going back out to the store. Jordan and I had to go pick up my medication and grandma's. Then I wanted to go back to the store and get another Corned Beef because I could only get one on sale earlier. But coming back again I could get another. So Jordan went to the pharmacy while I went to Vons. Of course, I also had to get onions, red potatoes then I wanted to get yogurt covered pretzels and then red vines for Jordan. Also got Dr. Pepper for Jordan and I. It was a nice cap to the evening.

Other than that, I haven't done much else. I did watch "Chopped All-stars" which is fantastic!! Tonight had Duff, I can't remember the one girl's name, then Chef Ann and Chef Robert. Ann and Robert always have a playful rivalry. Ann keeps winning. LOL! They did "Worst cooks In America" together and she won that. I think they did something like "Iron Chef America" and she won that. LOL! He doesn't have a lot of luck winning against her. As much as I love Chef Robert, I was rooting for Chef Ann! LOL! There is just something about her I really like. In fact, she would be a good cooking teacher. After all, I've seen her do that in the one show. I am kinda watching "Iron Chef Aamerica" tonight, but it's a repeat so I don't have to give my full attention to it. But tonight is definitely my Food Network night to watch TV. I missed "Food Network Challenge" tonight, but that's okay.

Well, I think that's pretty much it for my day. It wasn't a terribly exciting day, but it was a decently good day. Think maybe I'll do a little reading, or maybe I'll save that for tomorrow. I am kinda tired and I want to take my ativan. Then I have a good shot of going to sleep early and then getting up early won't be such an issue. Well, maybe . . . but the goal is to get up, stay up, go swimming and come home, do some reading, maybe do some writing . . . Wish I could get a hard copy of my latest story. But maybe I'll re-read what I have so far and then take notes about what I want to do to continue the story. I have to try to get back to writing every day. It's my job and I love it. I just have to not get discouraged.

Okay, think that's it. Karissa is sleeping on the corner of the bed. I will be cuddling her later, I'm sure. We'll snuggle a bit before I go to sleep. Oh, and "The Green Mile" last night was FANTASTIC! I can see why it got awards. It was wonderful and one of these days I'll get it for my collection. I don't have the money at the moment. Now it's time to settle down for the night.

Goodnight, sweet dreams . . . May tomorrow be a wonderful day!

Boot to the Head

I think fate plotted against me today. I have been aggravated, hurt, upset, happy, amused and back to normal. At least normal for me. You'd think that my day would be relatively good. But it started with Jason. I won't get into the disagreement, but it had turned nasty. I told him he was being selfish. I was beyond aggrivated. I was actually so emotionally overrought I wanted to cut on myself and I haven't done that for a couple of months. Or maybe it's been a little longer. Either way, I don't want to go back to that, but I was honestly very close.

Anyway, his way of apologizing was to say that he had been joking with me and that I had taken it the wrong way. Right . . . I didn't mistake anything, but it's not worth fighting over. I just wanted it over. Period. So I thought things were fine. I also found out that Cassie was coming home to spend the night tonight, which was awesome, but then Jason started in again only this time about Cassie! Out of the blue he says she's coming home! Don't get me wrong, I would take my daughter home in a heartbeat if she wanted back. The only reason I let her stay there is they really can do more for her, though I'm starting to get concerned about her emotional well being. I mean, is it worse than here with my mother, you know? So even though I didn't get upset Cassie was really upset. Susan said to ignore him, but Cassie wouldn't. I finally told him he was basically being a jerk. I was nicer than that, but basically that he was again being selfish. He texted me back and said that he's not allowed to feel angry or sad. I texted back telling him that maybe if he didn't take his feelings out on everyone around him things would be different. I got one more text about fine he was saying good-bye for good. Whatever. At that point I did ignore him and no longer than 20 minutes he was texting us how sorry he was. Sometimes I juxst want to take a 2x4 and smack him in the head with it HARD!! I mean, all the problems with today were honestly HIS FAULT! This is why I can't stand men in my life. I will NEVER be in another relationship again, I think. Too much drama. Jason has almost getting to be too much for me. I love him, but I want to kill him too. 

The great thing about tonight is Cassie being here. It's so good to see her and hold her and laugh with her. In fact, her, Jordan and I had the best time watching this guy's videos. He has this one called "Nom nom nom babies" and from there we watched all his picture songs. They were hysterical. There were a couple of things I didn't like or care for, but most of it was funny.

Cassie hadn't eaten dinner before she came home so I headed out with her to McDonald's to get her a couple of double cheeseburgers and sodas for the kids and I. I also got myself an ice cream cone. Yum! Unfortunately, when we got home, I found out Jordan had burnt his hand. There's something wrong with the microwave so he had to reheat his dinner in the oven. Well, he got it out of the oven okay, but I guess he set it down and moved something on the stove to make room and then when he went back to move the pan, he forgot the mit . . . BURN! I feel so bad for him. He was in so much pain. I had him put ice on it. Thought about taking him to the ER, but he would have been sitting there for hours and they just would have given him an ice pack too. We'll see how it is in the morning.

I have had so many moodswings today that I don't think I've recovered from them all. I kinda feel okay and yet, I feel this anxiety under the surface. It's like feeling sick to your stomach without having a stomach ache. I'm also tired, but we'll see how well I sleep tonight after this crappy day. But I love having Cassie here, asleep in her own bed . . . Tomorrow Susan's bringing their cats over to stay for the night since they're getting their apartment sprayed. After that, they'll be working on Cassie's room. Providing more crap doesn't happen.

Anyway, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Hopefully I will. One way or another I am glad this day is done and I just hope tomorrow is a good one.

Aggravation Already This Morning

The aggravation has already started . . . I can't reach Greg. He knows that Jordan's party is today. The boys are all waiting for him to come. I have texted him. Called him. And NOTHING! I HATE it when this happens. It raises my anxiety and stress levels through the roof. I mean, I know he doesn't sleep normal. Neither do I. But commitments are commitments . . . And he expects me to marry him at some point? He said last night that I didn't trust him and you know, I guess I don't. I don't trust him to pick me up when he says he is. I don't trust him to be here when I need him. Not that he hasn't been there to take Cassie to urgent care, but it seems like appointments and stuff are hit and miss and since this is my son's birthday party and he's flaking I am not very happy at all.

Of course, I just talked to Jason who is hosting the party with Susan and he's going to have Susan pick us up. And pick up the boys too. She's got a little car, but maybe it will work out in a couple of trips. Guess Greg will just have to live with the fact that he let us down. I just get so sick of hearing, "I'm sorry." I mean, I understand a lot of it, but you know, I hear it so often and this is my son's birthday party!!! Then he expects me to be in the mood more often than I am for adult time . . . Yeah . . . with the stress he puts me through??

Anyway, I am just angry. I will get over it, but I hate it.