Day 58 - Just Haven't Wanted To Write

I'm tired and just depressed. In fact, I might keep this really short. Yesterday Linda, my kids' paternal grandma and someone I considered a good friend, died yesterday. We knew from the day before that. She had been on life support and it didn't look good. The kids have been particularly devistated. Jordan internalized it. Cassie was crying and depressed. I haven't cried yet, but it will come when I least expect it. I'm going to miss her. And now I worry about Grandpa Roger. He's not in the greatest of health either. And I know life is going to be hard without Linda.

Anyway, I let Cassie stay home these last two days from school. I've let her play with the computer for most of the day as something to distract her. I even let her go to her friend Jayelyn's today.

As for me, I'm depressed. I'm missing a good friend now. She was so happy about my progress with my weight loss and about my writing. At least the last thing she heard me ever say to her was that I loved her. It makes me a little happy. Not a lot, mind you. But at least it was about love. That there was no negativity between us. At least I hope not! I'm just not wanting to do much of anything. I just want to sleep all day. But tomorrow I have to get my ass back to the gym. I have to, though I don't want to.

Ah well. That's enough for now. I'm too tired to write more. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. At least I hope so.

Day 14 - Merry Christmas!!

Jordan woke Cassie and I up around 6:00am or 7:00am. I don't remember which. He was obviously excited to get the gift he didn't know about. LOL! Or rather know what it was. Cassie wasn't happy with him and I wasn't thrilled, but it was fun to finally give them their gifts. Cassie wasn't thrilled with the book at first, but I convinced her to read the first chapter so hopefully she'll like it. Personally, I thought it sounded pretty good! So I think ultimately she's going to be happy with it and Jordan loved his long sleeved shirt. Then my mom gave them her gifts. Jordan loved the shirt I'd picked out for him - the "Same Shirt Different Day" shirt. LOL! In fact, he put it on!! Cassie loved her scarf from Grandma. She also liked the toe socks, but they didn't fit her well. I think I got Childrens size. :-( Which means they didn't have them for tweens/teens like I thought. They also both got Candy from Grandma - fruit slices which they both love. And they both got regular socks too. They always need socks!

Cassie handed us our stockings and they both liked them. Unfortunately, the fuzzy socks that I bought for Jordan didn't fit him so he gave them to Cassie who definitely liked them. Jordan laughed about the brush, but he actually used it!! Then Cassie got her lip gloss and apparently it didn't taste like anything, which was kind of disappointing to me, but it still shined nice on her lips.

After that, I was so tired, I did go back to sleep. It was around noon that I woke up. It was a good thing I didn't sleep later because Jordan was going to sleep and I needed him to go to the pharmacy and get my meds. He wasn't happy about it, but he knew I needed to get the meds. The absess is even worse than it was before where it was swelling part of my lower lip. THAT is bad. 

Anyway, I stayed in my PJs when I took him and it turned out I wasn't the only one out and about in my PJs. There were about three girls in theirs too that walked by. As I waited for Jordan, I read more of "Beautiful Creatures," which is still really good! When he got back to the car though, the first thing I did was take two of the antibiotics. Then when I got home, I took a percocet. My mom woke me up at 3:00pm to eat dinner. And the dinner was FANTASTIC! The stuffing tasted so good!! Turns out the thing she did different from Thanksgiving was that she cooked it in the turkey. It made SUCH a difference! I wouldn't have believed it had I not tasted it. Jordan was sleeping and didn't want to wake up. His loss. 

I made myself a good sized plate, but not as big a one as I would normally make. On top of that, I didn't go back for seconds or thirds. I did have a tiny piece of blackberry pie. I still want a small piece of pumpkin, but that can wait until tomorrow. Also, I did go back for one snack earlier - a roll with some turkey and cranberry sauce inside. It was good and I was shocked because Karissa actually ate some turkey!!! She never eats Turkey! I guess she changed her mind today or the turkey was just that good! I thought it was sensational. My mom also fixed mashed potatoes, mashed yams, peas, stuffing, rolls, turkey, cranberry sauce and cider to drink. I think in all honesty I did pretty good and didn't go too far overboard. Though next year I'll be picking and chosing my bites since I'll probably only eating a shot glass full of food. 

Anyway, Cassie got really upset though and started crying saying how Christmas just wasn't fun for her. That no one had really spent time with her, but that she was sad because her friends all got cool stuff and she knew she couldn't get any of it. And how she had chosen books because she knew it would be less stressful for us adults to get for her. She is very thoughtful with some things. But I was so sad for her. She just cried and said it didn't feel like Christmas. That her friends all had family that loved to hang out together, talk, play games . . . and what did we have? I know that feeling because I had that feeling growing up all the time. Our family just isn't a family - well, except Cassie, Jordan and I. Though Grandma was really nice this year. I thought it felt more like Christmas to me. I just felt so bad for her.

We then went back to my room where I let her play on the computer. She created a tumblr account, but eventually I just had to lay down. I think she was just happy to be with me. I know I was happy to have her with me. Then Jason and Susan came to pick her up. They saw my face and were shocked I think. It's that bad.

I went back to sleep again after that with more percocet. But I woke up in time to see the last 10 minutes of "Cupcake Wars" then the new "Iron Chef America" where Chef Zakarian had his first battle! He won which was nice. I didn't pay attention the last 15 minutes or so. I started playing on the computer. I also created a Tumblr account. Just thought it would be something to do. And why not have another account somewhere else. I just have fun with it.

Well, I took another percocet and I'm getting tired. I am still having pain which sucks. I need to take another antibiotic at 1:00am. I'll have Jordan wake me up since he'll be awake - brat that he is.

Then I want to go to the gym tomorrow and do the water aerobics, but I don't know. I guess it depends on how I feel in the morning. Hopefully better than this.

Christmas wasn't a spectacular success, but it wasn't a spectacular failure either. I think it was somewhere in the middle when you factor in Cassie's sadness. I hope next year I'll have some money to get her something really nice. :-) But now Christmas is over . . . :-( Oh well . . . one more week to New Years then it's back to normal.

Merry Christmas all!

From High to Low

What a day. It was going so well for most of it. I got up, got Cassie up, made my coffee, took her to school, came home and decided that I was going to start editing my book again. I was on Chapter 10 anyway. Well, there wasn't much else that needed editing so it didn't take me very long. I was thrilled when I was finished, but then I realized that I needed to format the manuscript. I wasn't sure of what an editor wanted so I googled it. It didn't take me long to find a site that outlined what I needed to do - and it was by an editor. I also knew I was going to need help with a query letter so I googled that too. I found another site that broke down what to do and THAT was by an editor too. I hope this really is what makes things work for me. I know it's going to take time and a lot of letters, but at least I'm getting back to where I was. Moving forward, not backwards.

At first I could only edit two chapters. It's really tedious and mind numbing. Plus, I was just so tired. I am not doing well with trying to stay awake all day. By afternoon I'm wiped out.

Anyway, today was a half day at Cassie's school so I picked her up at 11:30am. When we got home, I made us tuna sandwiches for lunch. I needed food. I had two huge McDonald's soda cup sized iced coffees. Anyway, I thought things were fine. Cassie seemed happy enough. Jason called and I told him it was a half day for Cassie and he asked if they could pick her up. I said, sure, of course. Cassie took off with my food card so that Susan could do the food for Cash thing for me. $60 is going to come in handy - car insurance and fuel. Well, and maybe a soda. LOL!

After she left with them I laid down for awhile. I was just so tired. I didn't really sleep, but I snuggled with Karissa. She didn't run off when my arm was around her. I thought that was cool. I did feel a bit more awake when my mom called me and Jordan for dinner. I ate too much though. LOL! I was oiver full! Jordan went back to sleep. Unfortunately before he could do the dishes. My mom was too tired to do them. I'm too tired to do them, so Jordan has to do them when he wakes up. Plus, he is going on a ticket buy tomorrow morning. Which means I have to get him up around 5:45am. Earlier if he doesn't take a shower when he wakes up. I don't want to do it, but I will. It's $20 that he can put toward his game. That will leave me only $40 to pay.

Anyway, after dinner, I went back to my room and decided to do more formatting. I checked Cafemom and there was nothing there I was interested in reading. I checked Twitter and all that fun stuff. But when I write an update, I do it on Yahoo. Then it gets posted on Twitter and Facebook.  Oh, and for fun, I checked out Denise's Facebook - I can see part of her wall now and what I discovered is that she still spells as crappy as ever. I had to re-read several words more than once. I know at least one was probably a typo, but it really was every other word. Then she keeps asking psychics if she's going to be a successful writer. She can't even spell successful right. Not that I spell perfectly all the time because I don't, but I don't mess up THAT much. Anyway, I just find it's interesting to keep track of her.

After that, I put on music - the playlist on my cafemom homepage and started formatting again. I got through three more chapters, so that brings the grand total to five chapters today. I have been so excited today that I even called Nicole AND Linda (I was returning her call). Then Cassie came home . . . I know she wasn't feeling good. She hasn't. Not only has she had stomach aches, but now she has a sore throat, larygitis and is coughing. But I thought she might have been liking the new situation and turns out she's not. She was kind of mean about it too. It did hurt me. I like being able to spend time with her, but I guess she doesn't care about spending time with me. She just wants to be with them. Of course, a lot of that is my mom, but my mom hasn't said two words to Cassie really since she's been back. That just took my good mood and crashed it down. I hate to admit it, but I am hurt. I feel a little rejected and I honestly thought she was getting into the routine. But NO, she doesn't want to get used to the routine. She wants nothing to do with this place and apparently that means me too. Unless I'm over there. Like I could afford to see her everyday at their house. :-( It just really ruined my good mood. Kind of feel a little weepy now, actually. But tomorrow I'll just throw myself back into the formatting, try to get as much of it done as possible and then work on a Query Letter. Or at least start the Query letter by Saturday. I still need to focus on the future, no matter what. This is just a bump. I'll get through this and life will be good. I know it will be. I have to believe that. My writing will bear fruit eventually and I guess I just need to focus on that for now. Not that I can send anything out until later this month - that's IF I get a $50 check or next month. But I need to start sending out stuff as soon as possible.

Okay, I'm trying to refocus. I am tired. I'm going to take my meds, see if Jordan's awake then maybe I'll finally sleep. Just wish I could get Cassie to like the routine. I honestly thought she was . . . It sucks.

A Partial Reprieve

Well, today has been quite a day. I slept until 1:00pm or there abouts. I haven't really done too much. I was just watching more on Casey Anthony trial. That bitch needs to go down. But I haven't gone anywhere today. I do need to go to the store and get some eggs and cornstartch so my mom can make more lemon meringue pie. I do look forward to that. I just have no energy. I know part of it is my period. Aunt Flo is a pain in my ass or close enough to it. But it's more than that. I'm also tired. But I'm always tired. It's been worse lately. My body just doesn't want to move. I just want to sit and stay still.

I've been very down about my Dad again seeing as tomorrow is Father's Day. I guess it's not that surprising. But it hurts. I was given a slight reprieve when Cassie came over. Her toe was in-grown. I had her try to fiddle with it, but apparently that's not a good idea, I found out later. But when she was over she did some reading. I played on Cafemom. She soaked her foot and we watched about Tot Mom Bitch. But after she soaked her foot for awhile, it didn't do that much good. So I finally had something for lunch - French Onion Soup while I made Cassie a Salami sandwich - and then we took off to Children's Urgent Care where we got in pretty fast. The doctor looked at her toe, said it was infected, gave us a prescription for antibiotics and the phone number to Childen's Toe Clinic. Yeah, they have a clinic for it apparently. 

After that, we went to the pharmacy. I let Cassie run in because I just didn't have the energy to do it. So I read a little bit of my book "State of Fear." Once that was turned in we went to McDonald's and got drinks with the last of my money. That part sucks. But when we gone home my mom got dinner for us and then we went into the bedroom. Shortly there after Jason and Susan came to get her. They asked why I didn't pick up her meds and I tried to explain my problem. I guess they understood. If not, oh well. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's just depression or my weight or both. I hated seeing her go. :-( But I just got back on the computer. Went back to Cafemom and started working on some of my groups - especially one that I need to get members for. I wanted it fleshed out in almost all categories. I have at least one I have to put a post up for. That would be the Library. But I can do it.

Anyway, I am just tired, weak and depressed. I miss my dad so much. I even wrote a poem about him. I just wish he were here and healthy, but it's not like that can happen. When you're dead you're dead.

Guess I'll see if there's anything else I want to do on Cafemom. If not, I'll do some reading and then go to sleep. 

I don't want to deal with tomorrow . . . I just don't . . .

  

Sinuses From Hell

I was supposed to go to a class today with Kimberly but I just couldn't get up. I was awake most of the night because my nose spray didn't work and I ws up with a fricken clogged up nose so I was so tired. Eventually I fell asleep and when Kim called I just couldn't get up. So I went back to sleep - breathing through my mouth and I am not a mouth breather. I would have kept sleeping if Jason hadn't have come over. I woke up, though reluctantly. Even now I'm still tired and have been dragging all day.

Anyway, Jason hung out with me for awhile. I can't remember what we talked about, but I do know that I gave him the Mother's Day Card to give to Susan. Susan and Cassie had gone to Walmart.

After Jason left I really didn't do too much. We were supposed to get together for dinner, but I really didn't feel up to it. In fact, I barely had enough energy to get to the store. And then most of what I bought were drinks. Two huge things of Gold Peak Tea - one sweet and one green tea. The Green tea is really good! I'd get it again! In fact, I might tomorrow. We'll see.

Basically I went to the store to get French Bread Pizza and lettuce for salad. I don't have the money to go out. Then my mom wanted blue cheese crumbles and I wanted Feta cheese crumbles so I grabbed little containers of those. But I really wanted something sweet for Mother's Day. They had all kinds of cakes and a huge cookie. I kind of wanted the cookie, but then I decided I was in a much more cakey mood. Cake seems to win out with me more than cookies usually anyway. Anyway, that was dinner and I still haven't had dessert yet, but I will get into it. There is no doubt about it. 

Anyway, I watched something really interesting on the history channel. There may be was a guy that survived Custar's Last Stand. It's a matter of how believable you think this guy was, but everything he said turned out to be accurate after years. He said he had enlisted under a different name, which I guess was pretty common back then. But to me, the story was very credible and I think it's very interesting that someone survived. Then I've been watching "Wyatt Earp" with Kevin Costner. So far so good. It started with him as a teenager and now he's in Dodge City. It was so sad about his first wife dying. 

I can't believe tomorrow is Mother's Day already. Cassie is coming home for the day so that makes me happy. My mom wants me to get a bucket of chicken from KFC and then these things called ring tomato cages. They're to help the tomato plants grow, I guess, and that's cool. Fresh tomatoes will be a good thing. As it is, we already got a couple strawberries off the strawberry plant. My mom gave them to me, too, which was very nice of her! I let Jordan pick out a card for me. I wanted at least one card even if I bought it myself. I know, sad. But Jordan did pick it out! :-) I think Cassie is going to be giving me a card too, and I look forward to that.

Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I have been a little down today. Like tired. And I've had some anxiety. Not sure what triggered it, but you know, around Mother's Day I do get a little down. That's what it is. I miss my dad. He's not here to plan anything. To take us out to breakfast . . . It's been 8 years and I still miss him every year at this time through July. Not that there aren't other times of the year, but I feel it more around this time. I wish he were still alive - alive and healthy, that is.

I'm also worried about Karissa. She's had a fur ball almost every day and today she seems to have thrown up liquid. But she isn't looking or acting sick. In fact, she has been doing her usual sleeping, eating and drinking... and talking! LOL! She just loves to talk when she gets in the mood! But I worry. I just can't lose her. I think she's the thing that keeps me sane. She's back sleeping again. 

Well, I'm going to go enjoy my little cake and finish watching this movie. Then I'm going to sleep. My nose spray has finally started working again. Yay! I just hope they don't clog up again and rob me of another night's sleep.    

Little Bunny Hollypaw

Cassie arrived this morning before Saturday school and dropped off a shoebox and inside was a wild baby bunny. It was so cute, but I didn't look at it at that time. Cassie had to get to school. I had Karissa in my room so we took the box to Jordan's room and placed it on his dresser. She then went to school and I went back to bed. I was tired. I have been tired for awhile now. I woke up in time to go pick up Cassie. Once we got home she showed me the little baby that she called Hollypaw. I fell in love and I tried to help her get Jason to tell her she could keep the little thing, but that didn't work. However, I did know that the baby needed water, which meant we needed a dropper because it wouldn't drink out of a bowl. I don't know. Maybe it would have in time. But basically, Cassie came into possession of this little bunny because she had taken it away from Bootsie her friend Katie Kelly's cat who had caught it. We all thought the little bunny was fine. It acted fine.

After Cassie and I had Peanut Butter sandwiches, Cassie colored the Easter Eggs. I had a hard time taking any pictures because I was so tired. But I managed. Then my mother gave us some money to go to Walmart, get the battery for her blood sugar meter and to get a dropper for the bunny. Cassie decided to bring it with us and it was really calm. I thought maybe it was just getting used to being held. I think anyone would have thought the same thing. And who knows, maybe it was fine at the time. A lot of people got a kick out of seeing the bunny and I was able to get the batters and the droppers. After we bought that (and some chocolate covered flavored marshmallow eggs) we went to McDonald's and got a cup of water. The bunny drank water so I thought all was well. But when we got home, something happened. I don't know if this had anything to do with what happened with the bunny, but Jordan pushed Cassie when she was holding the bunny in the box. The box hit the wall pretty hard. The baby still seemed fine and we gave her water and tried to give her some food.

My mom then wanted me to go to Albertson's and pick up a few more things for tomorrow. She gave me her card and though I didn't have the energy I went anyway. Cassie came with me and held the bunny. She stayed in the car though. It didn't take me that long to get everything I don't think, but when I got out to the car I could see something was wrong with Hollypaw. She was really limp, like she couldn't hold her head up. Then she just kept getting loose and limp. By the time we got home, I was pretty sure the little thing was going to die. When it stopped breathing Cassie even tried CPR. We then laid the baby in the grass in the backyard. If nothing else at least she was outside for the last of it. 

Cassie then dug a grave. It was really sad. I almost cried. She said a little prayer after she had Hollypaw settled and covered. She put rocks around the grave and a headstone. She was such a good little bunny for the short period of time we had her. I just wish I knew if she died of internal injuries from Bootsie or if hitting the wall inside the box did the damage. I guess in the end it doesn't matter since the baby is still dead. It can't be undone. But if it were Jordan's fault I'd be pissed with him and his piss-poor attitude. After all, he was the one that pushed her and the box into the wall and not lightly.

After that we had dinner - French Bread Pizza. It was good. I ended up having three pieces which is more than I usually have. I'm actually still kind of hungry. Of course, I ate hours ago. After eating only one of hers, Cassie went to go play with the computer. I stayed out there for awhile finishing my water and watching a part of "Tombstone" which is an awesome movie. I was so tired then though so I went to my room. I had to make room on the bed for me. LOL! But I did. I half watched "Tombstone" and half watched what she was doing online. Then after that I started watching "Jurassic Park." Eventually Cassie gave up the computer and is now going to bed. I feel bad for her though. Not just for losing the bunny but because she's sick. She has a sore throat and is coughing. I wish she felt better. :-(

Anyway, I got a Happy Easter from my Aussie. It sucks that I didn't get an email, but you know it being a holiday and his family it was nice he got to send anything! Now I think I'm going to take my night meds and head to bed. I hate being so tired, but I suppose at the moment it's a good thing. It's just been a day with some low points. Some good points too, but definitely a low point or two. But tomorrow is Easter and I'm going to try to think of it as a good day. Jason and Susan are coming over for dinner. I need to find out if Greg is coming over. Guess we'll see. Anyway, time for bed. 

It's Good to Feel Good!

Woke up today feeling pretty good. I got my coffee and got online. I chatted with Patty B and we started writing on our story again. It's coming along nicely and I've really enjoyed writing it. But then I got a call from Jason. They had gone to the store. They were taking Cassie and Katie out of town for Nascar and they were taking Cassie's snake Silky, well, they put Silky's container in a place in the car that wasn't very good for him and he died. Cassie was devistated. But when Jason called to tell me, I didn't believe him. Susan didn't at first when he'd called her in the store. They came over to bury him in the front yard. I cried myself because I loved the little guy too. That and there's just something about baby animals dying that really, really gets to me. It's almost as if somewhere I'm blaming myself even though I had nothing to do with it. I know it doesn't make sense, but a lot of times my feelings don't make sense. I was kind of depressed for quite awhile after that. Poor Cassie wasn't crying when she got to the house, but her eyes were so red. They'll eventually get her another snake, but only when she's ready and they need to do a little more research I think. Or at least not put the container in a position for it to become an oven. And to be honest, it wasn't Cassie's idea to put him where they did. It just sucks. I know how much she's hurting.

After I said goodbye and they left my mom and I had ribs. George had brought them over and the boys had already eaten what they wanted so my mom and I got the rest. They were so tender and yummy! It was a nice treat.

I wrote with Patty B until 8:00pm and I was also talking to my friend Shaunn and boy did our conversation get HOT!! But earlier he actually read my "The Black Cat" and thought it was pretty good, so maybe it's not as boring as I thought. But he shared with me soom of his writing which is very sexually graphic and well . . . our converation got more personal. He shared that some of what he wrote was based off real incidents and just what he wants. I asked him to write something for me about him and I and oh, he did NOT disappoint! LOL! It was hot and I could just feel it as I read it. I can't remember the last time I had a conversation or even read anything like that. We talked about what it would be like to meet in person. I think one of these days it'll happen. And he thinks I'm beautiful at my weight. Or rather my weight isn't even an issue! That's always nice too.

I also wrote to My Aussie, but it's the weekend so I probably won't hear from him until sometime tomorrow which is his Monday. But I'm going to try to make it part of my routine to write to him. I think it's good for me to stay in touch with him because when he does write me back I am happy all day and into the next day. I guess it's just that much of a thing for him. Plus, he's a good friend. He cares and that's what matters.

Anyway, I finally had to say goodnight to Shaunn. I'm getting a bit tired. I needed to write my entry and I want to read through my story. I already fixed a bunch of errors in the prologue. Who knows, maybe I won't and leave it for tomorrow, but I guess I needed a cool down too! LOL!

Needless to say most of today was very good. I am still sad about Silky and probably will be for awhile. But at least I have so many other good things going on. Writing again with Patty B and getting back in touch with my online male friends has made a big difference too. Plus Aunt Flo is GONE for now. Next month I start extra Paxil a week before my period and during my period. It had better work! LOL!

Tomorrow is going to be more of the same I think. A lot of writing and just enjoying the day.  It's good to feel good!