Gearing Up for the Holidays

Well, what can I say? Monday night I took a bath to do some reading - yes the tub is my reading place! LOL! I was reading "I, Alex Cross" by James Patterson. I was about half way through it when I picked up. My mistake was not putting it down. The farther I got the most I had to know how it was going to end! Do that ever happen to you? Anyway, I ended up reading the rest of the book! I was in the tub for something like 4.5 hours. And in a lot of ways it was worth it, but it took a lot out of me the next day. I was up until about 1:00am and then I woke up around 9:00am give or take. I used to be able to go on the littlest amount of sleep and still function properly. But now? Nope. Yesterday, I crashed at 4:30pm. Was woken up around 7:00pm to have some dinner, then I went back to sleep and though I woke up a lot I didn't want to wake today at 8:30am. But I did!! And I perked up as the day went on though I am getting amazingly tired.

Yesterday was good too. Marissa came over with a woman that works with Cassi at school and we talked. It was good to find out what was going on in school with her, which she has been doing good for the most part until last week. I'll sit Cassi down and speak with her and see if there is something I can do for her or set a new rule for her to get her bus pass. I also found out about an assignment she has to do for English and it should be a snap for her. Five paragraphs about what she would like to change about herself. 

Marissa and I also talked about my own mental health. I have had some rocky days on and off for a bit and I told her I was thinking about going back to the CBT classes at Heartland (CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). She thought that was a good idea and we made that as my goal this week. She was happy to hear that I went. Marissa is such an awesome person and really encourages me. She also says that she gets a lot out of working with me too. In fact, I'm going to be helping her with more mental health stuff because as I go to the groups at Heartland I can share more and more with her - papers, exercises and stuff like that! We are also going to discuss more about my budget not so much next month but January. We also talked a bit about the coming new year and things I might want to work on achieving  - one of which is getting back on my protein shakes and get back to working on myself again. That's the main one! :-) There are a couple more, but that's the top one on my mind. But she set me in a good mood. 

After that, I took my mom to Walmart so she could do some shopping. I had to go slow. LOL! But I didn't mind. My mom was nice enough to buy me a steno pad that I can use for my budgeting. The one I was using disappeared. Literally. I checked everywhere and it was just gone. It sucked because now I am thinking I have left something off on my list of things to pay. But I'm sure I have everything. There's still that doubt though. She also got me some fabreeze which I have been using in my car. I need to get another one for my room. My mom also got me my Christmas present! Yeah, it kind of sucks in some ways, but you know, at least I get something I want and it fits. Not that it wouldn't 4X fits me perfect.

When I got home though, I was exhausted! I came in, grabbed a cup of coffee to perk me up . . . nope. I fell asleep! So I was basically asleep by 5:00pm. Was woken up at 7:00pm for some dinner - which was good! Then I went back to sleep after that. I woke up several times last night, but I slept until 8:30am. I did start perking up though! I got dressed, got water, gave Karissa treats, feed the fish . . . Then I went to my CBT group - which it's CBT/Coping skills together followed by Social Skills. I really don't need social skills, but I enjoy being social in that class. I still remembered most of the CBT, though the Arrow Technique I definitely needed a refresher. My happy level on a scale of 1 - 10 my first level was about a 7, which is pretty good. After the first group, I was up to an 8. 

When I came home after class I had a WONDERFUL surprise! My $50 check came in!! I needed that check earlier in the week, but since I had some fuel help I was able to take the money and use it toward Christmas! Yay! SO I went to the bank to cash the check, went to McDonald's to get a large Caramel Iced Coffee and somewhere between there I lost $10. I didn't know though, until I checked out and had to put more back than I wanted to. It turned into a very nice moment though. The woman behind me gave me a couple of bucks to at least get the hot chocolates I wanted. I got Peppermint Hot Cocoa mixes for gifts and the box of hot chocolate as gifts too. I still have a lot of get for Christmas, but I think I can do it this year and I LOVE giving to my friends and my mom.

But it was so nice to start on my Christmas shopping!! Totally awesome! I can't say much, but I got some big mugs that come with a spoon. I did also grab a $5 Christmas movie for myself - Eloise at Christmastime. It is such a cute movie! I can't wait to do the rest of my shopping! I love Christmastime! It's the best time of the year! For me anyway! It makes me even happier to actually be able to give gifts. There were so many years I just couldn't. So far a good opening for the Holidays! Yay!!

Now tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'll be going to my mother's. On Friday Jason, Susan, myself, the kids and a couple other friends are getting together for another Thanksgiving. THAT is the one I REALLY look forward too! Now I just have to remember to take pix!!! :-)

Sunshine On Me!

Well, I feel kind of tired today. I was up LATE last night. I was up to 1:00am or a little longer than that! Originally I stayed up last night because I thought I had to pick Cassi and her friends up from a concert at Soma. In fact, one of the moms gave me fuel money. I don't think the kids told her they got a ride home from someone else. But it must have been God because I was expecting $50 and it didn't show up this month. I didn't know how I was going to make it to December 1st with as little fuel I had left. But now, I have fuel and it will last me! God knew and He provided! Anyway, I was still awake when they came home. I just wanted to make sure they got home okay. Once they did, I stopped working on Facebook and FINALLY try to sleep.

When I did fall asleep I had different dreams. But the one that stands out the most for me is one where I was finding ants on me in bed and as I got up I saw rows of ants not just on the bed, but on the floor on the carpet. That freaked me out! LOL! I still have a HUGE paranoia of ants! It didn't help that I did find one crawling on me yesterday. But it was just one and there was no rows of ants! But I guess the paranoia stuck with me into dreamland. 

Yesterday was awesome! I woke up feeling great! I got things done! I also got almost every Facebook page updated. Some require more work than others. My holidays one takes the most! But I celebrate the seasons and traditional holidays. Of course, anything else I find I do add - like Friday the 13th is coming up next month and I have pix saved on my computer to post for fun! Right now though, I am celebrating autumn, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Soon it will be Christmas and New Years! I do a countdown too! It ends on January 1st. After that it will go to Valentine's Day, maybe President Birthdays and definitely St. Patty's Day! We'll go from there! One of my pages I'm actually an admin of, but everyone loves what I post! So I try to post as many good pix of what fits the page each day!

I also took care of the cats and the fish. I was going to do some reading, but it was really too late by the time I thought about it. That's where I do my reading! LOL! And I am into a great book by James Patterson, "I, Alex Cross" and it is so good! I get sucked into the Alex Cross books! So far, there is nothing better! I can't wait to read them all! Next month I would really like to get "Merry Christmas, Alex Cross." I figure it's fitting! :-D I also found out what kind of books Susan really likes so it's giving me more ideas! I guess my Christmas list isn't set it stone yet! Anything could change!

Today I woke up tired. I was up before 9:00am though I was up so late. I wanted to go back to sleep, but after getting a little put off by Jason raising his voice - not to me. He was just frustrated over something - and then Cassi needing things I just went ahead and got up. Goodness knows I needed coffee! LOL! OMG! White Chocolate Raspberry is one of the BEST creamers ever! I think I have a new fav and it kinda sucks because this one is one out at one time of year! Ah well . . . There's always Almond Joy!

I was a little stressed about Cassi today, but you know, she's going to be dating and she's on a date today - her and her new beau went to the movies! He took her to see "Catching Fire." I hope they enjoy it. It made me feel better that it's someone several of her friends know and are friends with. I hope she hangs onto this one for awhile - give her a taste of a real relationship, but she does go through boys like tissue paper. But it would be nice! 

Then Susan and I had a nice chat. We really don't talk that often like that even though we live in the same place, but we are usually doing other things and sometimes aren't that chatty. But today we had a nice talk! We talked about all kinds of stuff! Books, movies, stories and games and history . . . Awesome! It was nice! I don't often talk to people in RL anymore! I know, I'm weird. I chat on the phone a little, write letters a little and write emails a little. I don't do a lot of any of them. Guess I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts a lot of the times!

Another really good thing is I'm going to try to reserve enough fuel to go to Heartland once a week, if I can, to participate in a couple of their classes again. I want to go to Cognitive Therapy and maybe Coping Skills. It depends what class is before Cog therapy or after. But I think it would be a positive step for me to get me out of the house a bit and get back to taking care of me! So I'm hoping maybe Wednesday to go to Heartland. I think they're open until the day before Thanksgiving. I will call tomorrow morning and find out.

Oh and last night was great! Jordan got his favorite dinner by Susan for his Birthday - Chicken Parmesan. I have to say it was delicious! But I ate too much and was sick for a couple of hours. I was thinking about making myself throw up to relieve the pain. But I distracted myself with something - I think the internet. Then by the time I pulled away, I was better. I was finally able to take my meds and drink some water. Had I tried earlier I really would have thrown up! But it was great to have Jordan here and have dinner with him. Jason let him order a movie for his birthday so he rented "Inglorious Bastards." I hadn't actually seen the whole thing before - though I recently bought it for $5. It was good and a bit gory. Of course, it being a Quinten Terentino (sp?) movie  it's expected. Jason went into the back room and Susan put her ear buds in. Neither liked the movie for it's gore! LOL! Some of it was pretty brutal like the scalping scenes! But considering it was being done on the Nazis (in the movie) it seemed appropriate to me! LOL! Okay, maybe that's creepy! What can I say? They were BAD guys!

Well, I have had a ton of coffee today. I still feel exhausted, but I still need to work on the Facebook pages. I will get to them, though it will be a question of when, because I am thinking about taking a bath and doing some reading. I don't want to wait until it's too late. Hopefully I will sleep tonight! Anyway, I guess that's it for now!

Catch Ya Later!

Easy Peasy Breezy Day

Today was simple. I woke up at 10:00am. I had the place to myself for the day with Cassi at her boyfriend's and Jason and Susan at Sea World. I didn't really do a lot except for what I needed to get done. I worked on some letters. I got one finished and sent out with papers I were supposed to return (thought I HAD returned them - oops!).  was glad I got that done! That was important!  I also posted in some groups on FB and stuff. I also cleaned out the litter boxes, washed Karissa's dish, called my mom and whatnot! I also worked on the story. I have more of an idea about the bad guy. Not just his name and what he does for a living and how he talks and looks. There are others around too that might be looked at as suspects. It's good to feel as if that part of my brain is working again! For awhile there it was just gone! And now I am feeling so inspired and just want this to really flow. The more I delve into my characters the better the story will be! I just haven't been this inspired in a long time. Who knows? Maybe this will really be the start of something else that's great!

I haven't eaten much, which is a good thing. I think I had a sandwich toward noon, I was also drinking regular coffee. I had a bowl of cereal a couple hours later. I then had two piece of corn bread with butter and honey, some mac n'cheese for dinner and a nice hot fudge sundae to round things out. Jason and Susan had brought me that home when they went to get their own treats from Mickey D's. I wouldn't say it was much, but I would say pretty yummy! :-)

I am really happy that my day was easy, that I felt good and that I got stuff done! There were no down moments, which always makes for a good day!

This evening I helped my best friend start a blog, which was fun! I got to set it up and pic out the style of it and all that. She told me what she wanted and I did my best to accommodate. Of course, I did have an issue of writing in the wrong page domain name and I forgot how to get to that to edit it. It took me probably about 10-20 minutes. I didn't give up and so I found what I needed and made the correction! Yay! So she has one blog up at the moment. She has another she wants me to post, but it will probably have to be done tomorrow. It's getting late and I have to go to sleep at some point! LOL! I'd like to wake up around 9:00am tomorrow. I could even set my alarm, but I kind of let God decide when to wake me, unless I really need to be up in the morning for something. I haven't decided if the fish tanks need cleaning tomorrow. I might take care of it. I don't want to have to do it on my birthday, though it's really not that bad and it doesn't take that long. But who says you can't train fish. When they see me they dance for me! :-) And then they start looking up knowing I'm going to feed them! They are so cute! You can get close to fish just like a cat or dog. Well, not exactly, but close!

Okay, I did some reading, I did some writing and got some things done! Today was definitely another good day!

Now it's time to rest and hopefully sleep! ;-)

Feeling Like I am in a Field of Poppies!

For the last day and a half I have been so foggy and tired. I realize that I have started my monthly. PMS wasn't too bad this time, which is ALWAYS a GOOD thing! LOL! I know guys prefer girls not to wig out at that time of the month. LOL! 

Anyway, I'm still having cramps, but I have been so sleepy! Literally, it feels like I wandered into Dorthy's field of poppies on her way to the Emerald City. I just laid down and slept a lot. I mean through yesterday morning, the afternoon, last night, this morning - when I FINALLY got up around 10:30am - then I took a nap about an hour or so after that. Since then, I have tried to stay away and have, but I have to say I am still feeling groggy. I guess that means I'll sleep deep again tonight . . . maybe. The cramps SUCK!!! However, the foggy and tired feeling is probably worse!

Outside of that, things have been going pretty good! I have another blog that I started called - Krystina Grant's Writings. I'm trying to get it active. I have posted a few things, but there hasn't exactly been a lot of traffic and no followers, which is a bit sad. I also have a page on Facebook of the same name and there are at least 11 people that like that page. I still want more people to come visit and enjoy. I really want more people to get to know me and my writing. I think it will happen, but it will take time, like most good things. Nothing happens over night - except on rare occasions! Which has happened before.

What else can I say? Not much has really been going on except the sleeping and I had crazy dreams! I read this book I was given within a day and everyone was surprised I was able to, as if it were something difficult to comprehend, but in the dream I got it, no problem! That was a good dream to me. I had a few other strange ones, but that was the one that stood out the most.  I also did finish reading "Alex Cross," "Alex Cross, Run," "The Big Bad Wolf" and then I start on the next Alex Cross book tonight. At least I think I'll start reading it tonight - "Roses are Red." James Patterson is an awesome writer. There are several more of his books that I want - I want to read all the Alex Cross books before I read others by him. What can I say? I really like his character, Alex Cross.

Well, Jason made dinner tonight which was sweet of him. He and Susan crashed hard when they got home. I wanted to make dinner for them, but I was told Susan was going to cook or that Jason was and to be honest, feeling foggy and tired as I have been, I really didn't feel like making anything. However, just as I went out there to just make myself a hot dog or something, Jason told me to go back to my room. LOL! Basically he was cooking, so I didn't mind being told to go to my room! I also got served in my room, in bed! Can't beat that! :-) And it was something simple which is pretty much what I cook too - Mac 'n cheese with hot dog pieces. I think, if I feel up to it, I might cook tomorrow. There are several things I can cook. Unless Jason wants to cook. I love his BBQ chicken! Yum! It's definitely one of  my favorites! Or he might make chili mac which is something else I like.

Anyway, I think I'm going to call this a night here shortly and let this foggy, tired feeling take me back to the land of dreams. I need to get water first! :-P

                 

Day 24 - Just Exhausted

I had to take an extra ativan while trying to sleep last night because of my stupid restless legs. It's really bad. It's just something else for me to deal with. Anyway, I woke up, got Cassie to school. Went back to sleep for a little bit, but got up to get ready so I could get to my appointment for my pdoc. Well, I thought my appointment was at 9:30am. Turns out it was for 10:30pm. But I didn't mind really. I just sat there and read "Body Double." It's such a good book!! 

Anyway, the appointment went well though the doctor wants to start weening me off the ativan, though I really don't want to stop. I hacve enough going on than to have to deal with this too. But oh well. I probably won't be able to use much of it after the surgery anyway. Well, that's a guess, but that's what I am thinking. It'll help me get through it.

When I got home, I took a nap. I was just to tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. So I slept until about 1:30pm then got up to go get Cassie from school. Of course, I went back to my book. Then after school was out she wanted to walk to 7/11 with two of her friends. I let her and just waited for her to come back. It was about 15 minutes. Once we got home, I had to try to get Cassie working on her homework, though she and I ended up talking mostly, I guess. I ended up letting her take the laptop with her to finish up her homework. Of course, it didn't get completely done until after we got home.

Once she left with Jason and Susan, I waited a bit then went to therapy. I did get a diet dr. pepper on my way, but the cups are a lot smaller now. Anyway, when I got to Dr. Tess' office I sat down and just did more reading. Time seemed to go by very quickly. I guess a good book can do that. 

My session went well. I didn't have much negative to say, though when we talked about jobs that stressed me. But it wasn't like he was pushing me like he wanted me to work. It just came up in conversation as we talked about SSI. But just thinking about it was almost enough to make me start crying. That fear gets overwhelming. I just hope SSI comes through. 

Anyway, after therapy I went over to Jason and Susan's to have dinner and bring Cassie home. I got to spend time with Rena too. She is such a cute dog. But Cassie pretty much got the rest of her homework done so that way when we got home I could type it up for her. She also took a shower while we were there. Of course, I also got to hold Zippy for a few minutes, but the kitties were hiding. I think they  might hide for awhile. It's going to take time to get them used to having a dog around. 

Well, I typed and printed off Cassie's persuasive essay and I am exhausted. Ids hope I sleep good tonight. I have to wake Jordan up at 6:30am, Cassie up at 6:50am then get myself up by 8:15am to get to water aerobics. Maybe tomorrow I won't be as tired.

Day 2

Day two has been unproductive really. I was going to go to the gym, but I just wasn't feeling it and I went back to sleep. When I woke up, I drank a smoothy my mom made only to find out that she hadn't put protein powder in it so I had a protein shake. Then I went back to my room.

Cassie called me from school wanting me to pick her up. I didn't pick her up because I felt she needed to stay. Susan thought the same thing, so I ended up talking to one of the ladies in the office about getting Cassie a place to be alone for a little bit or something and they said no problem. They said they were going to try to get the counselor to talk with her. I just felt so bad because she was grieving Katie Kelly and Lauren's dad's death. It just breaks my heart.

Anyway, I was on the computer for a little bit, but I was so tired, I just kind of laid down with the "Dirty Jobs" marathon on. I didn't get up until my mom called out dinner. I had a piece of crusted tilapia, fried zucchini, only I think she baked it. It was still good so . . . Then she also made broccoli. I had a good helping of the broccoli and three strips of zucchini. After dinner, I continued to watch "Dirty Jobs." An hour or so later Jordan gave me my laptop and so I started playing on Cafemom. I replied to what I could. Added some stuff to my groups. Then Cassie came home. Wasn't sure she was coming home tonight. Then she wanted me to stay out in the other room with her so I microwaved some popcorn and turned on "Dirty Jobs." The new episode was coming on. I LOVE this show and was glad to have a new season start. While I watched the show Cassie read her book. :-) She spent the whole time reading and she was still reading when I left her. I also had a caramel mousse tempation.

I went back to my room and turned on "Chopped" but Jordan came in and Nicole called so I pretty much missed it. LOL! No big deal. I did eat two oranges so that's it for the night. I think I did okay on my eating. I don't think I went over. But I have to admit I've been a little depressed today. I'm not sure if it's just Cassie's grief which I feel acutely. I don't think it's the change in my eating. Could be an early start to PMS, but I don't think so either. I don't know. All I can do is hope that I feel less depressed tomorrow, though I don't know about that. 

Now all I need to do is take my meds and try to go back to sleep. 

 

Christmas Shopping, Christmas Shows

I was okay most of today. Now I feel tired and kinda down. Not depressed, but maybe just coming down after a bit of a high. Though I slept late today - well about average for me lately - I got some stuff done. I picked up Cassie from school though late. I got there on time and then she stayed late for Science. I took the time to start reading another book called "A Christmas to Remember," by Kay Stockham. Then once we got home, she was starving and didn't want tuna or the like. So she ended up asking if she could make stuffing. Boy am I so glad that we have a microwave now! That's what I should have bought earlier. Though I can buy it tomorrow.

Anyway, Cassie and I had stuffing. It didn't seem seasoned enough. It was weird. Usually stove top stuffing tastes great. After that, Susan was there to pick her up. I left shortly after they did because I wanted to run up to Walmart. Of course, I had to stop and get a diet Dr. Pepper from McDonald's.

I was also hoping I was making it to Walmart before any crowds and I did!! I was able to get "Cowboys and Aliens" without an issue. Then I also found Jordan a long sleeved shirt that looks cool. I looked in the $5 bin and I saw a couple of movies I would have liked to have had, but I knew it wasn't a good idea. So I paid for my items, got a refill and then headed home. I was excited and showed my mom what I got Jordan. She liked it too.

After that, I played on Cafemom for a bit and thought about making a Christmas newsletter. You know, the family newsletter thing. But I couldn't find any templates or anything. I was frustrated because what I really wanted was Borderbund Printshop Press Writer. Well, it turns out that it's really cheat and Jason was so sweet! He bought it for me and I should have it next week! Just in time to make a newsletter for Christmas. I have certain people to send cards to. Maybe three or four. My birthmom, my birthfather, Linda and Roger and . . . Not sure. It would have been Maggie and Verne, but I haven't heard from her since her move. Ah well.

After Jason said he got me the Press Writer Program, I stopped working on the one I had started by hand. It was a pain in the ass, but I could have done it, but the press writer will make things so much easier.

Then I got antsy and was thinking about my mom and the Catherine's card. I figured why not go! I was hoping that there wouldn't be a lot of people at the mall and I was right! :-D I think next week we'll start seeing a real crunch. Anyway, I went to Catherine's for a pair of winter PJs and I found some! They didn't ask to see my ID or anything which is what I was afraid of. And the PJs are so cute! They have a frog couple holding candy canes and stuff. I don't think I want to have them under the tree! I want to use them now! LOL!

Well, on the way home I stopped at the 99 cent store. I had to pick up batteries for the boom box anyway and I thought I would get the kids and I fuzzy socks for the stockings. I also got Jordan and brush and Cassie flavored lip gloss. Then when I got home I showed my mom the PJs and she thinks they're so cute. Now she's talking about getting me a robe. :-) But she's also thinking of going there without me, so who knows what she's going to get. LOL! But I am happy with the PJs.

Cassie came home shortly there after. She was exhausted and basically went straight to bed. I covered her up with a heated throw and two blankets. That should keep her warm enough. Then I finished watching the Christmas episodes of "Eureka,""Warehouse 13" and "Haven." They were all a lot of fun to watch. "Eureka" was by far the funniest as they got turned into cartoons, claymations and anime! LOL! "Warehouse 13" was about an artifact and made the world like Pete never existed. Of course, he fixed everything once he was able to get everyone back together again. Though it took convincing. Then in "Haven" it was Christmas in July. Not only were everyone putting up Christmas decorations but they started disappearing!! Turned out it was this girl and a snowglobe and how she needed to stop living in it. Right now "Eureka" is back on.

I also played more on Cafemom. Just posted a couple of things. And I am so happy that I pretty much have most of my Christmas shopping DONE! I want to get Jones sodas and stuff, but that's easy. Then I'll get Christmas candy for stockings. Maybe some nuts and oranges. Things are going to be great! Now I'm feeling better again.

Man, I'm tired. I would say that I'm going to go to sleep right away, but everytime I say it, it doesn't happen. So I'll sleep when I sleep, but I'm tired. LOL!

Moving Forward

Well, I didn't write anything yesterday, but there was no point. I had slept until 5:00pm. I just didn't want to wake up. But I finally did get up. My mom had re-heated dinner for Jordan and I and it was just as good as the first time around. I really just sort of chilled out to the TV and I watched the special episode of "Sanctuary." It was very interesting. I also finished reading "The Mephisto Club" and now I'm sad. LOL! I want to read another of Tess Gerritsen's books! Ah well . . . I think I fell asleep around 3:00am and I woke up around 1:30pm. It's not great, but much better than sleeping to 5:00pm!

After I got up I got dressed, grabbed coffee and went to pick up Cassie. From there we went to Vons so I could get milk, bread and cereal. Cassie carried the stuff to the car and into the house. :-) Then after a little more time we went to pick up Jason from the trolley at Amaya. From there, I took Cassie to Katie Kelly's and then Jason and I went back to his place for a bit. I hung out for a little while.

Some great news is that while I was waiting for Cassie to get out of school, I had called Dr. Tanaka's office to talk to D-Ann. She told me she still hadn't gotten the labs so I called my doctor's office and found out they hadn't faxed it when they were supposed to. Anyway, they faxed my lab results and D-Ann called me back. Turns out they are going to try to get my consultations for Monday!! I can't believe it!! Once I get those consultations done the next step is setting a surgery date and getting the final authorization!! I am excited, though I kind of want to wait until after Christmas. But you know, I'll do what I have to do. It's time for food not to run my life.

Anyway, after dinner I've been hanging out on the computer, playing on Cafemom. I got a new member in "Christmas Dreaming" AND "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" so I'm very happy. I made sure I posted stuff in both groups. I got caught up in other groups. I feel like I want to write some poetry, but nothing is coming out. I guess it's that even-keel or numb kind of feeling. Nothing's super good. Nothing is super bad. Though I have to say that was good news about the consultations!!

I've also watched a bit of TV. I have my shows that I just wanted to watch and Jordan stayed and watched with me which was nice. We watched an episode of "Mythbusters" followed by the season finale of "Mythbusters." It was cool! Then I put on "Brad Meltzer's Decoded" which was about a possible aliens cover-up by the government. Jordan and I were hungry so we went out to get something to eat. I ate the last of the cooked sausage my mom had baked. Then I had a bowl of cereal where Jordan just had two bowls of cereal. That stuff isn't going to last long, I don't think. Anyway, "Ghost Hunters" came on, but as soon as I was done, I headed back to my room. I'm actually getting tired, but I want to watch the season finale of "Fact or Faked" which is next. But we'll see. I also need to work on my story with Eyal. I think making the story around Thanksgiving just isn't working for me so I'm going to make it Christmas. Maybe I'll try working on it a bit tomorrow.

As for tomorrow, my mom needs to go to the bank and she wants to go shopping. So I'll have to try to wake up relatively early. We'll see what happens. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day!

Two Days For One

Well yesterday was a day full of being tired. I just dragged all day. I haven't had a day like that in a long time. I did manage to take Jordan to get his game "Skyrim" last night after "Burn Notice." He had to wait longer because we didn't get there until after 11:00pm, but it was worth the wait for him. While I waited for him to get his game, I spent that time reading. I finally just decided I was going to pick up "Passion" and just read. I was almost sad when Jordan got his game and I had to stop reading.

At home my mind just wandered and wandered and wandered as I tried to go back to sleep. It was weird. It was like I was in this half sleep most of the night where my mind was just going. A lot of what I read seeped into my mind. I did have a dream of jumping from place to place. That my daughter had to. And then something about ending up in Australia. Well, the dream was really sketchy with a lot of crazy elements. Anyway, I was so tired though that when I laid down I just didn't have the energy to take my medication last night. I should have taken it though. I feel off today. Of course, part of that might be all the sleep I've gotten in the last two days. But I think it has to do with missing my meds. I took the ones I needed to this morning.

Anyway, my mom wanted to go to Walmart and to get her hair cut so I took her up to Fantastic Sam's. Then from there she gave me money to pick up some things from the store including hair color for me. I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with the color, but hopefully it'll work. I also got Fabreeze and dish soap, plus a Woman's World. I then went an got a McDouble and a diet Dr. Pepper from the McDonald's there. I also took the opportunity to not just look over the Woman's World magazine, but to also read a little bit of "Passion." I don't know how long I read, but my mom came up with some paper towels she wanted too. She had me get her a McDouble and water while I also went to pay for the paper towels.

After that, we came home and I went back to reading, then Cassie came over with Jason and Susan. It was good to see my girl on her Birthday. But she's getting to that age that spending the time with family really isn't what she wants to do. I think Jason is having the hardest time of all dealing with Cassie getting older. He has a hard time realizing that Cassie is growing up. Her friends are growing more important to her. That she is learning to be her own person more and more. Anyway, they stayed for awhile. I got to watch Jordan and Cassie tease each other and be funny. Jason brought me two DVDs too, which was cool - "Blade" and "Terminator 2 : Judgement Day." The third "Terminator" movie SUCKED!  They stayed for about twenty minutes before leaving to take Cassie over to Justine and his wife's place for the weekend. Cassie and Ian like each other. I think it's cool and Cassie is thrilled to have more family.

Anyway, after they left my mom fixed ham and eggs for dinner. I also cut up a few slices of French bread to eat. Then I went back to my room and finished reading "Passion." Now I have to wait four or five months because I can get the last book in the series - "Rapture." It'll be good to see the end of this series. It was really good! Parts of it fantastic, though Twilight really pulled me in. This took awhile and as much as I love the Daniel and Lucinda story there is something about the over hanging story that kind of gets me feeling weird. Maybe it's the religious tones. But it really is fascinating, so I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. Oh, whatever. I enjoyed reading it and seeing where the loophole for Lucinda came along.

Now I'm just kicking back watching "Criminal Minds." I really do love this show! Maybe one day I'll get them on DVD, but it's not high on my list. I'm waiting for "Sanctuary" tonight. I'm feeling really unsettled though so I might have to take an ativan. I don't like feeling this way, but there's not much I can do about it except meds. I feel tired and yet I feel sleeping just isn't going to help at the moment. Maybe I'll do more reading. I still have to finish "Cowboys and Aliens," but I also have "The Mephisto Club" by Tess Gerritsen and I really want to read it! I think next month I'm going to try to get another book of hers. I might as well get books. I enjoy reading and I want to read all of the Rizzoli and Isles books.

Tomorrow night I'm going to spend the night at Jason and Susan's and spend time with the kitties and Zippy. I'm a little nervous about taking care of him, but I guess I'm worried about something happening to him. I've never kept a guinea pig before and I just don't want to do anything to hurt him or make him run away or for the cats to do something to hurt him. Yes, I worry a lot. But I do get to cuddle him a bit and I'm looking forward to that.

Well, I guess that's it. If you couldn't tell I still feel scattered and it's hard for me to organize my thoughts. I do hate this part of being bipolar. And I feel like okay and depressed at the same time. It's crazy and it sucks. But oh well. It's just how it goes. Time for ativan!

Bittersweet Day

Well, I slept pretty good once I got to sleep, but getting to sleep was again a problem. In fact, I think I ended up taking three ativan last night instead of just two. I need to stop taking them every day, but I think psychologically I'm addicted - that I can't sleep without them. I mean, that's not always the case, but more times than not. I have to say I am glad to be home and on MY computer. It was so difficult to type on their keyboard and then something funny happened that I just didn't think I was up to writing about last night. When I first got on their computer, I actually looked at the keyboard trying to find a scrolling pad! For a moment, I forgot that regular desk top computers have mouses. LOL! I would say mice, but it sounds weird to me when dealing with electronics like that.

Anyway, I got a good laugh at myself with that one. I told Jordan about it and he laughed too! It's a funny memory. Maybe I'll share it with Jason and Susan. :-)

Well, Cassie asked for the EBT card so her and Katie Kelly could go the market at the corner and get eggs. I was finally asleep so I let her take it and told her to keep it as cheap as possible. $2 wasn't bad. They had eggs, but I was so tired that I just kept sleeping. I remember Cassie waking me at one point telling me I was snoring. I must have been snoring LOUD! I didn't get up until about 1:00pm. I could have slept longer.

Cassie worked on her 13 paragraph and finished it. She then started reading this book Katie Kelly gave her to read called "The Heretic Queen." The title is good and the front of the book looks intriguing. Maybe I'll read it at some point! The girls spent a lot of time reading. I just chilled out on the bed. I tried to do some writing, but I didn't get farther than a handful of lines. I just haven't been able to concentrate. It doesn't help that I'm exhausted still. That bed was really comfy. But my body doesn't allow me to get any really good sleep anymore I don't think. Maybe if I lost weight it would be different. Guess we'll find out since tomorrow is my appointment with the gastroenterologist. I know I got the word right, though I'm not sure I spelled it right! LOL! He's probably going to want to start me on a diet, but I don't want to start anything until the holidays are over. I hope he respects that. I'm REALLY nervous about this appointment. I don't remember the last time I was this afraid of going to a doctor's appointment. Like NEVER! I'm not usually afraid of doctors. Maybe it's because this was a step I have wanted to take yet scared to take. I'll pull it together in the morning, even though I know I'm going to have a panic attack the whole time. LOL!

When Katie Kelly left Cassie seemed to get a little depressed. She said she was not feeling good. I asked her if it was mental or physical or both and she said both. Broke my heart. She didn't know why she was feeling that way, she just was. I hugged her and then she went to take a bath. After her bath she seemed to feel better. That made me happy. Then I was going to leave, but Cassie wanted me to stay while she cooked dinner. I didn't want to eat. After the lunch she gave me that had Miracle Whip on it, I lost my appetite. It was way too sweet! I like sweet but not in mayo! I barely like mayo as it is! So I didn't want dinner. I wasn't hungry either. But she made herself Tuna Mac N Cheese. It smelled pretty good, but I just wasn't hungry. Then I was going to leave after dinner, but stayed until she got done with the dishes. Finally I decided I'd better go because Jason and Susan were on their way back from Disneyland and I didn't want to be there when they got back. Partly because of the fact I was parked in their spot, but I think it's because of the previous "Bad" instances of them coming back when I've been there. I guess I just don't want to be around when they come back after being gone for any amount of days. But I hugged and kissed Cassie several times and she helped me get outside with my bags. I found my crochet hook!! In the car, of course.

On the way home, I decide I should eat something and I wanted a Diet Dr. Pepper so I went to McDonald's. I got my drink, a McDouble and a $1 parfait. It was all good! I ate the parfait once I got home.

Being back home was nice. Jordan helped me get my stuff into the house. It was good to hug him. I have missed him even just for a day! Then Karissa was happy to see me, but I'm a little irritated that no one played with her or let her outside the whole time I was gone! My poor little kitty. :-( But she seems very happy to have me home. She's sleeping right next to me at the moment.

Anyway, I am chilling out. I have been chilling out watching TV. I have watched a Ghost Stories "Food Network Challenge," the finale of "Halloween Wars" where the Bling Bats won! Now I'm watching "Iron Chef America" Challenge Halloween Candy! It looks great so far. But I think once it's over I'm going to go to sleep or at least try. I also need to remember to tell Jordan to call Cy. He needs to get his rear in gear and that's the first step.

Tomorrow will be a good day. I just know it.

Therapy, Reading and Writing

I woke up in the afternoon again and that didn't bother me. I think I just like sleeping through the mornings though I really do need to change that so that I can go back to the gym and go back to classes at Heartland. I was going to get my computer, but Jordan had just woken up and wanted to keep it. Since it wasn't imperative that I have it, I let him keep it. As for me, I was going through papers and my writing. I actually got inspired to finish a scene in "Crossfire" which I did and though I'm kind of stuck as for the next scene which I might just write off, I'm going to get them to the desert where she'll finally give herself to him. I've been working up to this point in the story. Then, of course, Rachel protecting Leila along with Johara. I'm wanting to actually work more on this story and I think today was a good start to that.

On the other hand, I just read a fantasy story about this girl meeting her dream guy - Bret Michael's or whatever his name is. Not someone I was interested in for sure, but it's made me think of the beginning of a story to write for myself. I don't know as I'd write it first person though. I don't write first person well. But it might be the only way to make the story work as a fantasy. I have the guy picked though - Daniel Craig. Or James Bond. Not sure which because this would have to be an off-time for him to come across my character. Also Oded Fehr. He's gorgeous too, but not as many people know him. But I like to stick with characters because there are no wives and girlfriends to deal with. Like I know Daniel Craig just married Rachel Weisz so I wouldn't feel right about writing about HIM. But Bond . . . that I could do! I think I'll see what I can do with that one.

Anyway, today was really just a quiet day. I did some writing as I mentioned and then I went to therapy. I talked about a lot of different things - and how I think my inspiration lately have been having someone new in my life. I'll either write an email or call tomorrow. I hope Rick is still interested in me. I hate feeling unsure, but I guess that's how it goes. And it's not like we're more than friends and lovers. Actually we need to work more on the friends part. Still, his son just got home and I don't want to interrupt that time.

After therapy, I came home, only to realize that I hadn't gotten any fish for Mr. Crabbs and so headed back out to Kahoots, bought five goldfish and these were stupid ones and got eaten up almost immediately and what a piggy Mr. Crabbs is!

Once I got home, my mom had dinner ready which was great! I managed to spill katchup on my shirt like an idiot so I actually took time to wash it out. I usually don't, but I guess I just didn't want this particular shirt mucked up. After that, I put on TV and watched two episodes of "Restaurant: Impossible" then I watched "Ghost Hunters International," and "Legend Quest" though I was kind of distracted by working on Cafemom posting on "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and reading my friend's story on FANtastic Writers. But that's inspired me as well.

The only other thing I have done tonight is go to the store with Jordan. I really wanted ice cream. We went to Vons and we each got a flavor of Ben & Jerry's. I got a limited batch flavor called Fair Goodness Cake! It was German Chocolate cake, caramel, coconut . . . Jordan got his usual Fudge Brownie Chunk or whatever it's called. I also got two eclairs and Jordan a bag of chips. I am so full!!! Ah well. I want to be good, but there's part of me that's just so bad . . .

Anyway, that's all I really have for the time being. Tomorrow is yet another day and hopefully I'll get some writing done all around. Here's hopings!

Exhausted But Still Going

Well, today has been a pretty much uneventful day except for the fact that I have been very, very exhausted. I mean, I can hardly stand up straight. I feel like I have to lean over. I just don't have energy. And every little thing makes me feel even more exhausted.

I didn't sleep as late today as I normally do. I didn't really go into the other room. I just stayed in my room and did some reading. "Torment" is good, but I'm not reading it as fast. I guess it's hard for me because I can't buy the next book until next month. Ugh!! At least that's why I think I'm procrastinating. But I also feel something in my gut that is making me slow down. It's nothing to do with it being interesting because it's just as exciting. I don't know. But I'll have it read pretty soon, I'm sure. It is a good book. I can't wait to see what happens with Luce and Daniel.

My mom finally asked if I wanted dinner. I told Jordan dinner was ready. From there we had scrambled eggs, bacon, quesadillas and crepes. I was really full after eating, but I did the dishes that were there. Then I took a shower. I needed one badly. But with the full stomach and just being exhausted, taking the shower exhausted me more. But I was glad I'd taken the shower. My mom also told me some of the things we needed and she wrote out a list. Half an hour later I was ready to go. Well, as ready as I could be. I still couldn't stand up straight very well. But I managed to do it. We stopped at McDonald's on the way and got xtra large Dr. Pepper. Then went we got up there, I needed a cart immediately. Once inside Jordan and I did the shopping pretty quick. I got some extra stuff for Jordan and I. Not that I need it, mind you. In fact, I might be getting fatter because of the snacking. But I just can't help myself with Diana here. I heard her raise her voice earlier, but I didn't hear what it was about. Probably about me or Jordan. But I didn't hear, so I don't know.

Anyway, when we got home, I took the treats and he took in the rest of the groceries. I can't believe it's the 20th. I should have called Patty today - Today was Mason's Birthday. I forgot how old he was turning. He sounds so cute on the phone. :-) Today was also Denise's birthday. But oh well. I'm not feeling that whole desire to catch up with her like I was. Maybe I'm getting passed the nostalgia. 

Tonight since I've been back I have watched half of "Chopped," Ghost Hunters International," and "Legend Quest." "Legend Quest" was awesome. He might have found Excaliber!! I won't say it for sure, but it's cool! :-) If I can manage to stay awake for another hour, I am going to watch "Royal Pains." I haven't been following the show this season, but Boris' girl is having his son. Anyway, I just want to see it.

Tomorrow I should be getting my money from Jason and Susan - Food for cash AND the rest of the money they owe me. I am very happy with it. I might be able to get "Eureka" on DVD and even take Jordan to see "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." I want to see it too. So maybe tomorrow . . .

Time to take my meds and maybe play on Cafemom some more.

A Little Bit of Everything

Wow, I don't feel very good. I have had no energy today. I did wake up around 11:30am because my mom wanted to go to Costco. But then she changed her mind about when she wanted to go, so I went back to sleep. Not that I was particularly tired, but I was tired enough. Then my mom woke me up around 2:00pm or so and we took off to Costco. I wanted to stay in the car, but it was so hot and my mom said that she had so much to get, so I went in. I had no energy though. I knew it was bad when I had to sit down before even going into the store. I was bummed too because I found a book I wanted. Unfortunately it was a new hardcover - "The Silent Girl" by Tess Gerritsen. But it was $15. I might be able to find it at Walmart next month. I really found it hard to get through the list she gave me. Then I went to sit down and wait for her, so I got some reading in, but I had forgotten the lemon so I had to go all the way to the back of the store again to get them. I couldn't wait to get out of there. 

When we got home Jordan brought in the stuff from the store and Diana made Croissant sandwiches for us. Jordan and I were still kinda hungry so we got ice cream sandwiches. I also got the computer after that and checked my "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group. Someone had replied to someone else's post, which was a good thing. I could probably reply to that one too. Maybe we could get more people posting. At least I wish I could get people posting . . . ah well.

After awhile I had Jordan come with me to go to the pharmacy. Had to get my ativan!! Then we also went into Vons. Jordan and I were still kinda hungry and they had a large sub sandwich. I bought that, got drinks, I also got some of these cream cheese raspberry puff things and candy bars. I kinda went overboard, but it was good. As soon as we got home we went into my room and split the sandwich. We watched the end of "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" and then he watched part of "Eureka" with me. I got back online again and tried to catch up with some of my other groups. I also watched "The Closer" and it was again another good episode. However Pope is throwing Brenda under the bus to keep his new position as Chief. What an ass!! And I'm watching "Rizzoli & Isles." I love this show!! Two of my favorite characters!! 

Anyway, I am exhausted and think I'm going to crash right after the show is over. But for now, I'm going to finish watching the show, take my meds and just relax.

Day After the Beach

This is going to be kinda short I think. Yesterday was so much fun, but I'll tell you, it took a lot out of me. In fact, as much as we all tried to keep me from burning I still did anyway. It's been hurting me a bit. But I was also so tired. I finished reading "Fallen" which was great and I am glad I have "Torment." I started reading it today - at least the prologue. But what I did most of the day was sleep! I slept and slept until it was time for dinner around 6:30pm. I don't know if it's because I took a muscle relaxant or what, but I was exhausted. Even now, I'm getting close to wanting to sleep again. I feel it in my bones.

Dinner was good. My mom was nice enough to make dinner for Jordan and I. It was the left-over spaghetti from yesterday and yummy salad and then peas. It was good. Jordan and I stayed out there for awhile. He did a couple of things for my mom. He was supposed to do dishes, but he didn't. I can't really blame him because Diana was downstairs. We watched some of "Collateral Damage" but then it was time for "Leverage" and it was the first episode I have been able to watch. Then I was working on Cafemom and was half watching "Finding Bigfoot." They are wrapping up their short season, I guess. They will be back, but I guess they're done for now. I'll double check next week. Now I'm watching "The Glades." It's a good one then I'm going to sleep. My mom and Diana want to go to Costco tomorrow, so I have to make sure I get up relatively early. 

I guess that's really it. Most of today I was sleeping and I'm still tired. Go figure. But at least it wasn't a bad day. I do need medication either tomorrow or tonight. Depends on how I feel and how Jordan is. I am out of ativan, which isn't a good thing with Diana here. So we'll see what'll happens. Ativan take me away. LOL!

Life's a Beach - Really!!

Man, I'm tired. Not that I physically did that much, but I did go to the beach today with Jason and Susan!! And Cassie and Lauren too. I was so tired this morning too because I couldn't seem to sleep well last night. But I told Cassie I would go to the beach with her and so I did!! :-) My mother was kind of pissed at me at first because I had totally forgotten about it until Jason had reminded me last night. But after a bit she said maybe it was a good thing. I could do some walking and I planned to do some swimming, but DAMN that water was FREEZING!! It was really great! We stopped at the store and got some supplies like water and cookies we headed to the bay. There wasn't any waves in the bay, but it was cool. The girls immediately were in the water. :-) Well, I think we had lunch first - PB&J. It was pretty good and then the girls talked me into going into the water with them. OMG the water was COLD!!! But I inched my way out there and eventually I dunked under and THAT didn't make it any better. The girls wanted to go past the drop-off, but I won't go in water that I can't see and where I can't touch the ground. It frustrated Cassie, but I just figured I'd get some shells. Found several interesting colored ones. They eventually got Susan to go in, but not all the way either, I don't think. I noticed that when the grown-ups wouldn't go to the drop-off with them, they didn't do it themselves either, so I wasn't the only one afraid. They had fun though hanging in the relative shallows. I mean four-five feet deep is deep enough. They just went up and down the shoreline. Eventually, I went down in the water again, but not that deep. I wanted pix of the girls in the water. After that, I pulled out "Fallen" and started reading. Everyone tried to keep me from getting sunburned, but I got a little burned anyway. But all in all, I really had a fantastic time! The sun was warm, the breeze was cool . . . It was really great and I would love to do it again. Maybe they'll take me along again sometime. They tell me I'm too white. I could use more color. So we'll see.

After I got home, I finally went to the bathroom and changed. I also finished reading "Fallen." I'm going to wait until tomorrow or so before I start "Torment." It ought to be interesting. Nothing like being in love with an angel. :-) It's very cool. I'm not as drawn into as I was to "Twilight" but it's still good. Great characters and I hope to see more of them. I'm particularly interested in the relationship between Daniel and Cam.

Anyway, I went to Cafemom for a bit. I uploaded some pix of fireworks. I really didn't do much else. I think I might do a couple of book reviews since I finished reading two books in three days. But we'll see. I'm tired and I might leave it for tomorrow. Maybe. In fact, I think that's what I'm going to do. Take my meds and go to sleep.

A good end to a good day!

An Emotional Kind of Day

I'm not feeling very good. Not at all. I'm not sure exactly why, but I feel really just tired and depressed. I guess I should have equated the tiredness to depression and I doubt it's going to life until Diana is gone. It sucks. Of course, the other thing that has me down is that my mother again is trying to force me to take Cassie back. She threatened to kick me out. I won't take her away from where she's happy. I won't have Cassie hating me and fighting my mom all the time and making all of us miserable Just because she fucking wants it that way. Let her kick me out. I'll just cut my fucking wrists. At least then they'll put me in the hospital. I so feel like cutting now it's unreal. I've kind of wanted to all day and that shit with her didn't help any. But for the time being there is nothing I can do about how I'm feeling. I might just try to go to sleep early. Well, early for me, since I'm tired anyway. And tomorrow I have to wake up early. I'm going to the bay with Jason, Susan, Cassie and Lauren. I think it'll be fun, though I'm not sure I can break my fear of water I can't see into. We'll see. If we go where I think we are, I might see about swimming toward the little island. But I don't know. The thought scares me now, though I've done it before.

Anyway, I finally got that diagnostic something or other replaced on my car. And I started reading "Fallen" which turns out to be really go. I'm almost 300 pages into it. I could probably finish tomorrow. Maybe I'll ask Cassie to bring "Torment" tomorrow so I can go straight to the next book. It's a good book and I look forward to reading the other two. I wonder if this author will write even more than that. It would be cool.

Well, I spent a little time on Cafemom posting some stuff in my "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group. Some recipes and something on fat burning diets and on fat burning food. I also posted a poll question and a couple of music videos. No humor today though. I figure what I did post was enough for now.

Okay, I called Cassie to bring "Torment" tomorrow. I have the battery in the camera. I hope I have lots of space left. I'll have to see about having someone take some photos of Cassie and I. I still have to find my swimsuit, but it's on the bed somewhere. Last thing I have to do is take my pills and I'll do more reading. I kind of want to watch "Haven" tonight, but not sure I will. Maybe it will re-air on SyFy later in the week or on the website. Well, that's it, Swimsuit, meds and reading then sleep.

A Partial Reprieve

Well, today has been quite a day. I slept until 1:00pm or there abouts. I haven't really done too much. I was just watching more on Casey Anthony trial. That bitch needs to go down. But I haven't gone anywhere today. I do need to go to the store and get some eggs and cornstartch so my mom can make more lemon meringue pie. I do look forward to that. I just have no energy. I know part of it is my period. Aunt Flo is a pain in my ass or close enough to it. But it's more than that. I'm also tired. But I'm always tired. It's been worse lately. My body just doesn't want to move. I just want to sit and stay still.

I've been very down about my Dad again seeing as tomorrow is Father's Day. I guess it's not that surprising. But it hurts. I was given a slight reprieve when Cassie came over. Her toe was in-grown. I had her try to fiddle with it, but apparently that's not a good idea, I found out later. But when she was over she did some reading. I played on Cafemom. She soaked her foot and we watched about Tot Mom Bitch. But after she soaked her foot for awhile, it didn't do that much good. So I finally had something for lunch - French Onion Soup while I made Cassie a Salami sandwich - and then we took off to Children's Urgent Care where we got in pretty fast. The doctor looked at her toe, said it was infected, gave us a prescription for antibiotics and the phone number to Childen's Toe Clinic. Yeah, they have a clinic for it apparently. 

After that, we went to the pharmacy. I let Cassie run in because I just didn't have the energy to do it. So I read a little bit of my book "State of Fear." Once that was turned in we went to McDonald's and got drinks with the last of my money. That part sucks. But when we gone home my mom got dinner for us and then we went into the bedroom. Shortly there after Jason and Susan came to get her. They asked why I didn't pick up her meds and I tried to explain my problem. I guess they understood. If not, oh well. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's just depression or my weight or both. I hated seeing her go. :-( But I just got back on the computer. Went back to Cafemom and started working on some of my groups - especially one that I need to get members for. I wanted it fleshed out in almost all categories. I have at least one I have to put a post up for. That would be the Library. But I can do it.

Anyway, I am just tired, weak and depressed. I miss my dad so much. I even wrote a poem about him. I just wish he were here and healthy, but it's not like that can happen. When you're dead you're dead.

Guess I'll see if there's anything else I want to do on Cafemom. If not, I'll do some reading and then go to sleep. 

I don't want to deal with tomorrow . . . I just don't . . .

  

Empty Nest

My mom woke me up around 11:00am for breakfast, but I couldn't stay away, so after I ate, I went back to sleep. After that, I didn't get up until 3:00pm or there abouts. My brother Tim showed up with Jordan's friend George. That was Jordan's time to talk to Tim about staying over at his place. I got the computer back before he got an answer and Jordan almost left without saying good-bye, but I caught him so he came gave me a hug and kiss. Watching him leave was bittersweet. I would have the computer all to myself, but I am also alone now. No kids. Kind of makes my heart hurt. Cassie's with Jason and Susan and Jordan is with Tim - at least for a month and a half - and so I'm alone with my mom. At least they're not here when Diana comes to visit. One less thing for me to worry about. But I miss them a lot. 

My mom bought dinner tonight for me which was nice. We went to Wendy's and had the berry salad which was awesome. Next time I want to get a full sized salad. Then we also got fries and a double-stacker. I also got some of the sweetened berry tea. It's really good! My mom liked the salad too. But the bummer thing is that they raised their prices. It sucks! Like every fast food place got together and decided "Let's raise our prices! Let's screw over our customers!" Ugh!!!

Well, this evening I have been playing on Cafemom. I started another group. This one just for photos. So far no one has joined it, but then again, I just created it. So we'll see what happens. I made it real simple. This is just the place to share pix. So hopefully I'll get a couple of members who will share photos. 

Anyway, tomorrow I hope I get back into my exercising. Now I'll have to pick up the slack that Jordan was doing. And I have to get my own water now. :-( LOL! Just kidding. He was good about getting me water. I will miss that with him being gone. Not sure whatelse I'll do other than play on Cafemom. Though I don't know for how long if Cafemom continues to have loud annoying ads. They suck! They were driving me nuts earlier. Why does it have to be a video ad. Ick!! UGH!! 

Well, now I'm going to finish watched "The First 48: Missing Persons" maybe do a little reading and then try to sleep. I'm sure tired enough. Guess we'll see.

        

Depression Biting at My Heels

Today I slept late again. I suppose I should just accept that I am not going to wake up early unless I force myself to. But tomorrow I'm going to force myself I think. I also need to take Jordan around so that he can get job applications. So I do have things to do.

Though I woke up at 2:00pm again, I decided to finally get the oil changed in the car. I called the place and it turns out it's Carl Berger! I know this dealership! So it didn't give me too much trouble finding it once I realized what I was looking for. The bad news is I was looking at an hour and half to two hour wait, but it wasn't a big deal for me. I had my book and there was a woman there I spoke a little bit with. Then Jason was texting me too. Cassie was getting her hair cut and he was telling me about it. He also told me that they moved the litter box into the bathroom and the cats are having no trouble adjusting. SO Cassie may have her own bedroom within two weeks! I think that's awesome. They'll paint her room with the black chalkboard paint which I think is cool. Her snake can get moved into there too. I think it's going to be a good thing.

But here's the aggravating thing. My mom wants Cassie home and that she can have Jordan's room! When I tried talking to her about that a few months back her answer was a resounding NO because she didn't want Jordan in the family room! Ugh! You can't have it both ways. Either yes or no and now she can't change her mind. Plus, it won't stop my mom from being my mom and I don't want Cassie to be around her for long lenghth of time. Plus she has no friends around here and I couldn't take her to her friends' houses all the time.

It was nice. I wrote Ron and I heard back from him. I wrote him again and I hope I hear from him again. He said that I was a great parent because I was doing what was in Cassie's best interest and not in my own. It's nice to get reminded of that. That I'm thinking more of her than myself. I mean, I could have forced her to be with me. Instead, I'm letting her be somewhere that she'll have a better life and will grow up with less dysfunctions I hope.

Anyway, after the oil was changed, I apparently forgot that I had a therapy appointment!! Ugh! Dr. Tess didn't call me though and usually he does so I put in a call to him tonight. Hopefully he calls me tomorrow. I could use an appointment. Not that I am too bad off, but I feel depressed. Go figure. I think it's the PMS, but I'm sure it's also because I was writing to another friend about how I'd lost my writing on the computer twice. How I need to get a flash drive, but also how I haven't written since the Blue Screen of Death  where I lost my work - except "The Black Cat" which I sent to myself. But it's just sad. I guess it's just another chink in my armor taking my confidence  level down again. I just hope that doesn't mean this depression will continue. But I can't get a flash drive until April 3rd at the earliest. Who knows. Maybe I can get a printer too so that I have one that will work with my laptop, but I won't hold my breath. That might take another month. But I want to start having hard copies of my writing all over again. That's important to me.

Anyway, I played on Facebook for awhile. I was on Happy Pets, of course, checking and feeding all my virtual babies. I took care of my Aquariums in Happy Aquarium and then I also write Ron and Shaun. For dinner all I wanted was a can of beef tamales and my mom's cookie candy bars. Yum!! Then I watched "Ghost Hunters" which was cool. Not only did they have experiences but they used a dog named Maddie. She pickes up EMF easily. She's cool and I hope to see them use her more often. Looks like they're going to next month. Then I'm watching "Fact or Faked" with Jordan. It's a pretty interesting show. They did the photo of the second world war called the battle of Los Angeles. Watching that one was pretty cool. The second half was about an apparition on the Queen Mary. It was cool.

Well, I guess it's time to let Jordan have the computer. Nothing else is going on, We've spent time cuddling Karissa of course. She so loves Jordan! Not that she doesn't love me, but I'm always in the bedroom. But when Jordan comes in she always talks to him. It's so cute!! Anyway, time to boogie for now.

Rating for Today: Better Than Average!

Last night I should have set my alarm, but luckily my mother woke me up in time to get dressed, grab coffee and get out the door to get her to her doctor's appointment. I got her there with 10 minutes to spare! So timing was very good. While I waited for her to get done seeing the doctor, I went across the way to Walmart. I didn't really do much. I just kind of looked around at the different things that interest me, but all in all, I ended up at the McDonald's there with a $1 drink and a book. I started reading "State of Fear" by Michael Crichton, but I've literally only just started it. I got several pages into it when she called me to pick her up. Then as I'm driving, I get a call from Calworks that told me I'm supposed to go to some orientation when my doctor cleared me from doing this for a year as I work on getting things set to permanent. I can't end up back in the hospital again! It would help my case even more, but I don't want to go into the hospital! Anyway, I am going to have to make some kind of noise over this and see what happens. Just the thought of being forced into this situation makes me start shaking and panicky. I can't go through weeks or months of it like I tried before. I just can't! I don't think I'd survive it.

Anyway, so I'm trying to take this call and pick up my mom. Not the smartest thing to do while driving, but it was more difficult trying to keep her quiet while I finished the call. Finally I did and then I finally explained it to her. For some reason she thought I was talking to Susan or Greg or someone. I can't remember now. But I was still pretty upset, though I don't think I showed it too much. Probably came out as irritation more than anything else.

My mom came out with prescriptions so I ended up taking her to the pharmacy and she treated me to breakfast at Denny's. Instead of just getting the value slam, she had both of us get Build-Your-Own-Slams. It was great. I got pancakes, hashbrowns, sausage links and oatmeal. I know it's a strange combination, but boy was it delicious! That put me in a better mood. Of course, good food always brings a good mood! Of course, what sucked was the fact that my first finger on my right hand . . . the nail came off at the quick when I went to move my chair. Even now it's hard to type, but I'm over it. I'll get better.

When I got home, I really didn't do too much. Actually, since Jordan had the laptop I decided that I would write notes for one of my stories since I'd come up with a change I want to make when I rewrite it. Needless to say that kept me kind of busy. I'd had Jordan pull out ground turkey for dinner. Originally I thought I would make Shepherd's Pie but Jordan and I decided on spaghetti instead. After dishes were washed from earlier I started dinner. What I think is funny is that when my mom makes spaghetti there is usually some left. When I make spaghetti there is rarely any left. I don't do a lot of things well, but making spaghetti is definitely one of the things I do very well! Then we also finally got into the Julian Apple Pie I got for the $5 and OMG!! It was so worth it! It would have been worth the $15 if I'd had to pay that much. Maybe I'll get one every month now as a treat for all of us. I'm going to do my best to cut out snacks again. I was pretty good for awhile, but the last two months have been bad for snacking. I eat a night and I need to stop that. Anyway, the pie was fantastic! And I have to say that it was kinda nice to do the cooking. Even though my back is not appreciating it much! LOL!

After dinner I took the time to clean out the litter box. I mean, let's face it. It NEEDS to get done! Especially with it being in my room. Plus, I'm sure my baby appreciates it. What I think is so funny though, is that when Karissa gets out of the room when she shouldn't Jordan makes his noise and chases her back into the room and then she talks to him! In fact, sometimes when he just comes into the room she'll talk to him! :-) It is so cute!!! I think she's starting to figure out that she doesn't go out of the house when it's dark. LOL! But she doesn't get it completely yet. She's such a good baby.

And last of all, I have watched some GREAT TV today. I saw an episode of "House" that had to be pretty recent and it just about broke my heart! He gets rejected by Cutty AND he goes back on Vicodin . . . I just wanted to cry! :-( Then Jordan and I watched a couple of episodes of "NCIS" which were pretty good. But I decided I wanted to see if Syfy would have full episodes of "Stargate: Universe" which they did!! I was so excited because then I got to watch Monday's Episode which I missed! That was so awesome! There was a second Dr. Rush,  a second Destiny and only one set of the crew alive. However, they also killed off Col. Telfort. It was a riveting episode. It's crazy that Telfort is dead. Go figure.

At the moment, I'm watching "Dan Meltzer's Decoded" about DB Cooper. I find it so interesting. I think they had it right. This guy Kenny Christiansen fits almost everything about it. Even the picture of him was so similar to the sketch of DB Copper! I mean, come on!! That has to say something! Of course, it's all circumstantial, but . . . well . . . if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck . . . The last thing I want to watch is the last "Fairly Legal" because I missed that last night and I'm pretty sure it's up. But I'm also getting pretty tired so I might save it for tomorrow because Saturday's are usually deserts when it comes to TV. Guess we'll find out. I think I'll just take my night meds, finish watching about DB Cooper and go to sleep.

Rating for today: Better than Average! ;-)