Holly Not So Jolly Christmas and Beyond

Well, Christmas was actually very nice though Christmas Eve was one of the WORST I had ever had. Jason was a total ass and yelling about Ajay and pulling all kinds of crap. He got angry with Cassi because she screamed and cussed him out about how he was treating Ajay - her BEST friend! It just got all out of hand. I was angry, frustrated and went to bed before Jason and Susan came home from Susan's mom's. I did go to sleep after taking extra med to make me SLEEP! But it was definitely the WORST Christmas Eve ever. I hope that Jason is somewhere else or I am next holiday. I won't have him ruin another holiday season! In fact, Christmas morning I didn't want to wake up. But Jordan eventually woke me up for his stocking. Cassi and Ajay had spent Christmas Eve at my mom's. It was just a sad evening. At least I made Chili Mac. That was yummy!

Eventually Jordan got me up. He and I took pix of us with our stockings. I had a hard time getting ready to go to my mom's for Christmas. Jason and Susan were gone. Jason had worked the night audit shift and from there Susan picked him up and they went up to her brother's house for Christmas. It was no picnic for her either. She had to put up with Jason.

Butt once I got to my mother's, it was a good day! We ate, opened gifts - which I was thrilled to have gotten a couple things I had not expected! I was given a book, a check for $20 and a gift card to Walmart for $25! It was awesome! Tim tried to get me into a debate and I stopped it before it could go anywhere. He got so miffed that he left! LOL! I was irritated and yet happy at the same time. Does that makes sense? 

I also watched "A Walk To Remember," that Tim was supposed to watch with Nancy and Rudolpho. It was a good movie but not one I would add to my collection. I did enjoy it though. It was worth watching for sure. Butt it's a movie I would really just watch once.

Also I had some Chocolate Milk Wine! YUMMY!! It got me tipsy really fast and lasted about 20-30 minutes! That was cool! If I could get some for New Year's Eve, I would! In fact, maybe I will depending on how expensive it is.

I also had pie and then left after saying bye to everyone and giving Jordan a BIG hug! :-) So I had a pretty great day! Then I came home . . . :-( Jason started into his attitude about he wants an apology from Cassi for her yelling at him. Personally I think she should apologize for the screaming, but not apologize for cussing him out. He is allowed to being an ass all the time to everyone. It's not fair and not right. Other people have feelings too and Cassi won't let him get away with shit like that. But he started in on demanding an apology so I started to go back to my room and he said I didn't have to go, so I just put my stuff down and came back out. Guess what the fricken baby did? When I came out he went into his bedroom!! Okay, what? He had to make a stupid point or something? I don't know. I didn't get it, but it pissed me off. I think he apologized to me, bu to be honest I don't remember. Maybe it was because he is always apologizing and I just don't believe it's true anymore.

The day after Christmas was fun! I got to do some shopping with my Gift Card! I bought some more off-brand Splenda because I'm almost out. I also got the movie "Traitor" for $3. A movie "Savages" for $5 and "Ron White A Little Unprofessional." I can't wait to watch that one! Ron White is soooooo funny! I also finally bought myself a new wallet since my other one got stolen. It's pink fake alligator skin and it's perfect! I can't shove tons of receipts into it! My old one was mostly full of receipts! :-P 

When I got home, I parked on the street to shut Jason up about Ajay in my car in the parking lot of the apartments. He can't do ANYTHING about it now. It's my car and it's on the street! He can't do shit! Yay! 

On December 27th I took Ajay with Cassi to the Welfare office in El Cajon so he could turn in some food stamps paperwork and set another appointment. From there, we were hungry. I had a couple of dollars and Ajay had a dollar and a dime - just enough for two tacos for a $1 at Jack in the Box. We went inside, got our tacos, and talked. I kept track of the time and planned to get back in time to take Jason to the trolley. I did, but as he and I went to leave, Ajay was coming into the complex. Jason starts getting in his face saying he can't be here. That he is trespassing, and all this shit. I told him he was going to talk to his mom! OMG! What an ass! Then we're going to the car and Cassi yelled at him again and though I didn't see is face, but by his body language I could tell he was in a rage! I couldn't really get out of my car fast enough to do anything so I was holding my phone waiting for my daughter to scream! It turns out that she blocked his way at the gate with the gate for a minute that might have had just enough time for him to realize what he was doing or something. But eventually he just went to the apartment to lock the door. Which was stupid because he had to know that I would just open the door as soon as I got back - a whole 10-15 minutes maybe.

When he got back in the car, he spend the rest of the time trying to convince me he wasn't going to hit her. That he would never hit a kid.Had I ever seen him hit a kid? But I knew he had been ready to hit her. Body language doesn't lie and he spent THAT much time trying to convince me he wasn't going to and never would hit her? Yeah. Okay. I vented to Susan when I had a chance and after that, I have been on edge waiting for him to do something I can call the cops on him for. Isn't that sad? He was one of my best friends. I had left him blow up on me so many times, reducing me to tears, but I would eventually brush it off and never really think about it again. But that's how I dealt with abuse and I NEVER put it together until recently. I love him, but I am so angry inside when it comes to him. I just am and I don't think it's going to go away until we are no longer near each other like this.

Yesterday was okay. He and I stayed away from each other most of the day. He did push me to bake something and I really didn't want to, but I made cookies. They did turn out pretty good and he heated up dinner for us. 

Today he seemed okay, but God knows who he'll be when he gets back. Ugh! I just need to get something to eat and keep my mind busy!

Sunshine On Me!

Well, I feel kind of tired today. I was up LATE last night. I was up to 1:00am or a little longer than that! Originally I stayed up last night because I thought I had to pick Cassi and her friends up from a concert at Soma. In fact, one of the moms gave me fuel money. I don't think the kids told her they got a ride home from someone else. But it must have been God because I was expecting $50 and it didn't show up this month. I didn't know how I was going to make it to December 1st with as little fuel I had left. But now, I have fuel and it will last me! God knew and He provided! Anyway, I was still awake when they came home. I just wanted to make sure they got home okay. Once they did, I stopped working on Facebook and FINALLY try to sleep.

When I did fall asleep I had different dreams. But the one that stands out the most for me is one where I was finding ants on me in bed and as I got up I saw rows of ants not just on the bed, but on the floor on the carpet. That freaked me out! LOL! I still have a HUGE paranoia of ants! It didn't help that I did find one crawling on me yesterday. But it was just one and there was no rows of ants! But I guess the paranoia stuck with me into dreamland. 

Yesterday was awesome! I woke up feeling great! I got things done! I also got almost every Facebook page updated. Some require more work than others. My holidays one takes the most! But I celebrate the seasons and traditional holidays. Of course, anything else I find I do add - like Friday the 13th is coming up next month and I have pix saved on my computer to post for fun! Right now though, I am celebrating autumn, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Soon it will be Christmas and New Years! I do a countdown too! It ends on January 1st. After that it will go to Valentine's Day, maybe President Birthdays and definitely St. Patty's Day! We'll go from there! One of my pages I'm actually an admin of, but everyone loves what I post! So I try to post as many good pix of what fits the page each day!

I also took care of the cats and the fish. I was going to do some reading, but it was really too late by the time I thought about it. That's where I do my reading! LOL! And I am into a great book by James Patterson, "I, Alex Cross" and it is so good! I get sucked into the Alex Cross books! So far, there is nothing better! I can't wait to read them all! Next month I would really like to get "Merry Christmas, Alex Cross." I figure it's fitting! :-D I also found out what kind of books Susan really likes so it's giving me more ideas! I guess my Christmas list isn't set it stone yet! Anything could change!

Today I woke up tired. I was up before 9:00am though I was up so late. I wanted to go back to sleep, but after getting a little put off by Jason raising his voice - not to me. He was just frustrated over something - and then Cassi needing things I just went ahead and got up. Goodness knows I needed coffee! LOL! OMG! White Chocolate Raspberry is one of the BEST creamers ever! I think I have a new fav and it kinda sucks because this one is one out at one time of year! Ah well . . . There's always Almond Joy!

I was a little stressed about Cassi today, but you know, she's going to be dating and she's on a date today - her and her new beau went to the movies! He took her to see "Catching Fire." I hope they enjoy it. It made me feel better that it's someone several of her friends know and are friends with. I hope she hangs onto this one for awhile - give her a taste of a real relationship, but she does go through boys like tissue paper. But it would be nice! 

Then Susan and I had a nice chat. We really don't talk that often like that even though we live in the same place, but we are usually doing other things and sometimes aren't that chatty. But today we had a nice talk! We talked about all kinds of stuff! Books, movies, stories and games and history . . . Awesome! It was nice! I don't often talk to people in RL anymore! I know, I'm weird. I chat on the phone a little, write letters a little and write emails a little. I don't do a lot of any of them. Guess I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts a lot of the times!

Another really good thing is I'm going to try to reserve enough fuel to go to Heartland once a week, if I can, to participate in a couple of their classes again. I want to go to Cognitive Therapy and maybe Coping Skills. It depends what class is before Cog therapy or after. But I think it would be a positive step for me to get me out of the house a bit and get back to taking care of me! So I'm hoping maybe Wednesday to go to Heartland. I think they're open until the day before Thanksgiving. I will call tomorrow morning and find out.

Oh and last night was great! Jordan got his favorite dinner by Susan for his Birthday - Chicken Parmesan. I have to say it was delicious! But I ate too much and was sick for a couple of hours. I was thinking about making myself throw up to relieve the pain. But I distracted myself with something - I think the internet. Then by the time I pulled away, I was better. I was finally able to take my meds and drink some water. Had I tried earlier I really would have thrown up! But it was great to have Jordan here and have dinner with him. Jason let him order a movie for his birthday so he rented "Inglorious Bastards." I hadn't actually seen the whole thing before - though I recently bought it for $5. It was good and a bit gory. Of course, it being a Quinten Terentino (sp?) movie  it's expected. Jason went into the back room and Susan put her ear buds in. Neither liked the movie for it's gore! LOL! Some of it was pretty brutal like the scalping scenes! But considering it was being done on the Nazis (in the movie) it seemed appropriate to me! LOL! Okay, maybe that's creepy! What can I say? They were BAD guys!

Well, I have had a ton of coffee today. I still feel exhausted, but I still need to work on the Facebook pages. I will get to them, though it will be a question of when, because I am thinking about taking a bath and doing some reading. I don't want to wait until it's too late. Hopefully I will sleep tonight! Anyway, I guess that's it for now!

Catch Ya Later!

Back On the Horse

FINALLY I can write and FINALLY I feel better! For a couple of weeks there, I wasn't feeling like myself. In fact, my depression got a hold of me. That's never fun. The meds help most times, but other times the feelings over-rule the meds. Medication is never 100% and who would really want that? I don't want to be a robot, but I sure could do without the bouts of depression! In fact, a little happy happy would be welcomed for a few days! :-) Of course, going up and down is not exactly what we want, but still . . . some energy and feeling great is a wonderful!

My sister came back to town and I thought she might stay through the Holidays, but as a fantastic surprise me, she LEFT!!! Thank God! I mean, wow! I think that's why my mom didn't want the kids and I there. She didn't want to take any chances with a fight. But the thing is, I'm not the one that starts crap! Tim is coming though and he, alone, causes arguments. For 4th of July when I went to pick up Jordan from my mom's (his Grandma) and apparently before I got there Tim got into an argument with Nancy - who stays with Grandma now to watch out for her and help her around the house.There is always the chance he could start something with her. He usually don't start crap with me because I don't like debates. I won't engage in them. Of course, now that I have said this, he's going to start crap with me this time! But now that Diana is gone the kids and I are invited to Thanksgiving dinner after all!

This week has been pretty good except for a couple of days where I was just so down. One day, in fact, I literally slept on and off all day! Then I had no energy. I couldn't get myself motivated to do much of anything. When I talked to my therapist I unloaded a bunch of stuff that was hanging out inside me. In fact, I was bottling it up and that doesn't usually happen to me. But I felt like I couldn't say anything to anyone. It sucked! But once I unloaded it, I started feeling much better. I need to do a better job of not holding crap in. It was just so personal that I couldn't write it on here in case the friends involved read this. It would effect them negatively and that's something I won't do. There are some things that ARE better left unsaid. But it didn't benefit me any! LOL! But it was better to save the feelings of such good friends. 

One of the best things from Cassi's school was getting help through the Parent Advocate. Her name is Marissa and she is AWESOME! She has been helping me move forward in my life. She is trying to help me find other housing. I'm almost ready to move out on my own though it scares me to death! But I can't stay with Jason and Susan forever. Cassi and I need a place we can call our own. And if Jordan could get a job he could move in with us and it would help out all the way around! :-) I am so worried about bills though. Not sure how I would afford them. But somehow I have to make it work relatively soon. My goal is to move out sometime next year. I am crossing my fingers! LOL! Pray for me!! Please!!! :-P

I also have Christmas gift ideas for everyone this year! I am hoping I have enough money for it all. It's not tons of stuff and it's not completely expensive, but I like being able to give family and friends gifts! It means a lot of me because for so long I couldn't do it. If I have planned it right I should be able to get gifts for everyone this year! :-) I so hope so! Next year might be too tight so I want this year to show how much I love and appreciate everyone. I want to post what I'm going to try to get, but again, should any one come across it . . . Well anyway, I want to make Christmas special for as many of my friends as possible. Though it's going to be limited to local friends. That's the unfortunate part because I couldn't afford shipping on top of gifts. :-( But I do have Christmas Cards already and I've been making notes for my Christmas newsletter. My memory is so bad sometimes that I actually had to go through my camera and look at the pix so that I could remember the things that went on. Bad, right? LOL! But I as able to pull a lot of stuff out that I can share. But I want to get through Thanksgiving before I actually start writing the newsletter so I can include as much as I can into this one. It should be great! Of course, it's only for friends. Family . . . not so much!

What else can I say? Tonight is Jordan's birthday dinner. Jason and Susan do this for Jordan every year. This time his girlfriend is coming and I know he's going to LOVE that! Susan is also making his request and favorite - Parmesan Chicken. Yum!!! Her's is delicious! So needless to say I am looking forward to dinner tonight. Jordan already got his present - Ice Cream (Great Value version of Extreme Moose Tracks). He loved each and every bite! Yep! He ate the whole thing! When Susan and I took his ice cream to him I just didn't want to let go of him when I hugged him. I actually felt like crying as we left.  was so emotional that day. Not that I don't love him with all my heart, but I usually don't cry when I leave. It's not like he's moving away or anything. We live in the same county and only about 7 miles apart. I just wanted to hold him like he was little all over again. Time flies . . . I can't believe he's 22 years old now and that Cassi is 16  years old! They are so growing up on me!

Well, I think I am going to close this up. There are things I still need to do around here before it gets too much later. Hopefully I'll be able to write another Note from my Insane Mind tomorrow and yack all about Jordan's Birthday dinner! 

Until next time . . .

A Nasty Suprise

Yeah, I got a very nasty surprise yesterday. I was still a little down, but today I feel great! I am thinking it's because no one is hear with me today. I don't have to worry about Jason's moods or Susan snapping at Cassi or with Jason and Susan arguing with each other and worrying if it's going to spill over to me. Yesterday Jason was a putz again. I just left him alone, but I thought it was rude of him to just sit out there in the living room and just tell me he needed to be alone. I understand why he needed to do that - it was because he had to make an important call and he needed to be able to hear, but he didn't tell me when it was over and when I asked he said he just wanted to be alone because he never got time alone in the house. He said I could come out, but I just told him, next time tell me. But it did irritate me. Not that I was going to stay out there for long, but I just wanted to talk to him. So shutting me out didn't go over well with me.

I just feel like I can't talk to him anymore. I can't keep walking on egg shells around him. I  mean, I did enough of that when I lived with my mom and my sister. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to an extreme. I always felt like I was waiting for the next explosion and I'm starting to feel that way with him. It might get better, but I don't know. It doesn't seem likely with the stress of the holidays. The holidays are great! But I also know it comes with stress and he doesn't deal well with stress. But it has cemented my desire to move. My goal is to try to move out sometime next year. I'm not going to spend a minute more than I have to with someone that triggers me as often as he has been lately.

But here's the REALLY nasty surprise. I just mentioned my sister, right? And how abusive she was. Well, she's in town and staying with our mom. She is going to be here through Thanksgiving at least and possibly to Christmas. When my son, Jordan, told me I just about threw up with anxiety and I had massive panic attacks. I tried to deep breathe to calm me down and I eventually got a hold of my therapist, but I had NEVER had a reaction this bad to an abuser before. That just says how badly she abused me, I guess. I was freaking out because I wasn't sure I could deal with her, my mother and my brother Tim. God only knows if Wes is going to show up. After all, mom doesn't have very many Holidays left. I want to be there, but now I know why my mom was hoping I had somewhere else to go. I think I'm going to be there, but I'll talk to my mom. If she really doesn't want me there because it will stress her out, I'll just pick up Jordan and we'll come back to the apartment and spend the day together. Cassi might go to a friend's house if she can because she won't go near Diana. She says if she does bad things might happen and she doesn't want to stress out Grandma. I was telling myself I'm going to go and just deal with it, but it really does depend on what my mom wants me to do.

At least I feel better today. I felt much better after talking with my therapist. He helped me through it. And I wrote about it a little bit. Once I was able to calm down, I was ready to realizing that things will probably be okay. But it still comes down to my mom.

I woke up in a good mood! That's always a good thing. I didn't have nightmares, at least none I remember - the night before I had a couple bad ones! It threw me off then with Jason . . . But today I woke up feeling good! I got dressed, gave Karissa treats and fed our Bettas - Tucker and King Sushi II. I was running late, but I got to Cassi's 30 day review. Though I was 5 minutes late they weren't ready so I guess I was still technically early! LOL! But it went well, though some teachers weren't able to make it. There were a lot of teachers being gone for training purposes this week. All in all, Cassi has been doing much better, except in Math. She doesn't do well with math online. She needs book and paper and some extra help. Her attendance has been great! But her moods are still shifting a lot. Either the prozac isn't really working that well or it needs to be upped. If nothing else the doctor will try her on Lamictal, which I am all for. It is an awesome mood stabilizer! Well, for those who can take it. Some people are allergic. But I since it works for me, it might work on Cassi! But I am just glad she is definitely moving in a positive way forward. I have great hope for her.

And my positive note for myself today is that I am Grateful for the Country I live in! Go USA! LOL! :-) I just feel good, though I'm tired and now my cramps are acting up! Ugh! Time for Ibuprofen, so I guess I should wrap this us! I just hope tomorrow is just as good as today. Oh and my mom bought me a turkey!! Now Susan, Jason, the kids and I can have our 2nd Thanksgiving! Yay! Well, I think I'm getting over the nasty surprise. And who knows, maybe Diana will be nice to me now that I don't live with mom. Anything is possible!

To Trust or Not to Trust

Okay, so it's taken me awhile to write another blog entry. I've had some up and down times and I wasn't sure I wanted to post about it or not. Plus, I kept forgetting to write in the mornings because I'm not used to it, but also when I forgot I ended up too tired at night as I've mentioned before. I need to get back to this being about my life. I haven't wanted to post anything about the not so great times lately because I don't want to hurt my friends' feelings should they come across this, but the thing is, this is how I get my emotions out. At least I don't give out full names like other people I have known, but I need to do what's good for my emotional well being.

Not that things have been terrible, but there have been some pretty difficult days. I love Jason, but when he's angry he doesn't care about what he says or who he hurts. Because he's angry he seems to believe he can say whatever he wants. No one else matters, until he realizes that he screwed up. Then he apologizes. The thing is, even if you apologize, which for the most part I accept usually without issue, he's done it enough times that I have felt emotionally drained. I pick up on his moods to try to avoid him when he's in those moods. But it doesn't always work. Then I start having responses that I used to have at my mother's when she was constantly verbally abusing me and having my siblings doing the same thing. I keep to myself. I won't go around him as much as I used to. I get a REALLY strong startle reflex like any big sudden noise I will flinch and a lot of times I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. I mean, I think about what I say before I say it most of the time, because I don't WANT to hurt anyone, but he doesn't and he always apologizes after and then expects to be forgiven as soon as he apologizes. That doesn't happen with me. Sometimes it takes a couple of days. But over this last incident, he really verbally abused me. He started yelling at me because I raised my voice so he could hear me from my room. He literally went off on me. I won't go into the whole details of what he said, but he put me down as a mother and a person, hitting  me in my weak points. Not like everyone doesn't have some, right? But he was brutal about it. I had to take him up with Cassi and her friend Alyssa to Susan's work. I barely spoke to him though he apologized. He's made me cry and that's hard to do and I don't get over stuff like that easily. That seriously eroded my trust in him and he doesn't know that. But you can't just abuse people and expect things to go back to normal. I have forgiven him for the most part, but things won't be the way they were. There is a part of me that will always see him as a threat. Because if he can do that to me once, he can do it to me again. And I will say this isn't the first time. But it had best be the last or I don't know if I can forgive him again. He just acted way too much like my emotionally abusive family.  I guess I might still have some lingering PTSD. It triggered me big time. So many people just don't understand that words can hurt so deeply. Sometimes worse than physical pain, Physical pain can eventually heal - most times. But the emotional and mental abuse will never completely go away.

Then I have been keeping an eye on Cassi. Jason went after her about a week ago too. It had causes a different argument between all of us - Cassi and I against Jason and Susan. I was pissed. Nothing I could really do. I took her out of the house and I was going to take her to a friend's place to stay the night, but she changed her mind and we went back to the apartment. She eventually apologized to them and talked to both of them. But then he started shit again after that week! This last week I have just been so tired of his crap! I mean, Cassi and I aren't perfect, but it always comes down to something hurt him, he's angry about something, he feels slighted . . . But no one else is really allowed to feel that way and if we do he argues it! And God forbid we should act out like he does! Okay, I guess I still have some anger issues to resolve. 

The good thing was that Cassi did get to go up to Knott's Berry Farm for her sweet 16 this last weekend. Jason and Susan were nice enough to take her and Alyssa there. She seemed happy and then yesterday was her actually birthday. She's a Veterans Day baby. She hung out with her friend AJ most of the day. She ha actually wanted to take him and go down to OB. But I didn't have $5 to give them so that AJ could go with her and Jason and Susan don't feel like they should pay for AJ, which I totally understand, but it was Cassi's birthday. But it seemed she had a good day. Jason made Shake N Bake BBQ Chicken with mashed potatoes and broccoli. Then I had bakes her a cake and Susan had picked out some ice cream from the store. But by the time we had the cake and ice cream she was seriously depressed which worried me. Jason and Susan both noticed and were as concerned as I was. I talked to Cass a bit, but she didn't know why she was feeling that way. She went to bed shortly after that. I had forgotten to give her the card I had bought for her, so I got it ready and went out to her to see if she was awake. She was so he read the card and I think it made a little difference. I usually get funny cards, but this was one of the sweet cards and I just told her how much she meant to me. She loved the card and that made me happy. I am going to ask her how she's doing when she gets back this afternoon t gauge how she's feeling today. I am hoping she feels better. I did take a couple of photos, not as many was I would have liked, but when I saw how depressed she was, I just couldn't take that many.

Also, here's something. Within three days, I fell down twice! The first time was in the hall. I think I tripped over my pajama bottoms. They're a size to big for me. But I tried to recover only to la my shouldn't into the wall of my room. I was more shaken up than anything else. I was a bit sore the next day, but I recovered. Then a day after that, I was cleaning out Karissa's litter box, went to get up and one of my legs buckled under me. I slammed my ring finger toe into something and boy did it quickly swell and turn an icky shade of purple. At least my toe nail was fine! It hurt so much that day though. I could barely put pressure on it. I was worried that it was broken, but I realized that the most the doctor could do was tape it to another toe and I thought, what's the point? The next day it was tender, but I would walk on it okay and today, it's back to normal, though not to color! :-) Soon though, I hope!

As for my mood, it's been a bit down myself after this past week of crap. I am doing what I can to stay positive and I believe I am moving forward. I have a parent advocate from Cassi's school that's going to try to see  me once a week to help me manage my emotions and to get more organized. Plus help me find a place to eventually move to. I mean, I make the calls, but she finds me the resources to try. I just wish I could get Section 8 like now, but I could still be waiting for a few years before I get it. Ugh! I do want to move out in the new year. That's one of my goals, but places I've called recently have no open waiting lists or they are no longer low income housing. It sucks and I can only move to certain areas because I can't move away from my resources like Therapy and my Psychiatrist. People tell me to get a new one, but I have been with these people for YEARS!!! At least a decade! I can't just go somewhere else. These people know me. I know them. They listen to me. I have a say in my treatment. I have had some bad Pdocs and Therapists too. I don't want to try to find new people that might end up not as good! I can't afford that with my bipolar II and my anxiety and panic attack disorders. So I am looking at Santee, El Cajon, Spring Valley and La Mesa. That's it. I can get to El Cajon from any of those places without using up a ton of fuel.

As far as today goes I'm a little on the downside. Not too terrible, but enough here I don't feel great. However, I did read my positive statement for the day. Today was that I was grateful for coffee! :-) I am grateful for it! In fact, I drank a bunch of coffee today! Pumpkin Pie Spiced creamer in it! Delish! I was also able to get this done and I think I am going to feel better once I finish and post it. I am extraordinarily tired. I was yesterday morning too. Marissa, the Parent Advocate, was supposed to come over, but she couldn't get into her office so we had to reschedule for Friday. I look forward to her visits. We both get a lot out of them, I think. She had gone through a lot and where she is with her kids is where I am been - kinda. But I think in a lot of ways we support each other. When she comes over we talk for an hour! It is just a bright spot in my day because she really helps me. I have a formula for phone calls now so I can keep track of her I have spoken with and about what and when. It's awesome! She helped me with the idea for the positive statements every day. I want to make more, but sometimes it's not easy to come up with things you like about yourself. I came up with about 20 though and at least 20 things I was grateful for. I think it's important to know what you are blessed with, so you don't forget to be grateful and not just the usual kids, family, friends . . . I'm grateful for good days! I'm grateful to learn. I am grateful for coffee! I am grateful for being able to see the positive even in bad situations. I am grateful for my internal strength. I don't always succeed with the positive statements, but I try and that was Marissa's idea. I had thought about it before, but she inspired me to do it! In fact, I might re-due the cards. Not sure I liked how I did them.

Anyway, I haven't lost my positivity even when I am feeling a little down. I remember that things change. It's the nature of life. Nothing will stay good forever, but it won't stay bad forever either. 

Okay, I think I am done for today. If you made it this far in your reading, thank you for your interest and patience! :-) I hope everyone has a good day and if not, remember things change all the time!

FINALLY!!!

Okay, I have been trying to write an entry for at least a week or two, but by evening I am so tired I can barely concentrate, so it looks like I'm going to have to write these during the day. :-P I don't mind really, it's just I like to be able to recap my day. I'll just have to adjust! Not a problem.

Well, around the first of the month I got sick with a nasty cold! I am thoroughly convinced that adults are not meant to get sick. My daughter had it before me and though she had some symptoms for awhile, she was only really sick for 2-3 days. Me? I was mostly in bed for a week! Ick! I felt so rotten! I'm just glad it's over and I hope I don't get another cold anytime soon. I do need to get a flu shot though. I might make an appointment to go get it this week. Then I can finally get my blood drawn too. I'm not afraid of needles or giving blood, I just haven't wanted to. Plus, I hate to fast. Not like it's a big deal, but I don't like how shaky I get. I'm not a diabetic. The surgery I had for some reason keeps Diabetes at bay. But I think it's the way my body works. I have always been like that. 

Anyway, after my sick week, I got back to normal though I could feel myself falling down a bit emotionally. Of course, that turned out to mostly be my monthly showing up. I started feeling a little better after it was over, of course. However something else happened that really upset me. It's going to sound stupid, at least it does to me, but others have told me that it WAS a violation of me. Basically Jason got upset with me because I let Cassi spend the night with a friend that lives IN OUR COMPLEX on a school night. She's been really good about going to school now that I implemented a new rule. I get her a bus pass every month, but she doesn't actually have to have it. She gets a bus ride to school and home. But she likes to do things on the weekends and visit friends after school. Basically it comes down to either she goes to school or she doesn't get her bus pass for the following month. It works BEAUTIFULLY!! :-D Now she's not fighting me about going to school and I really have her school therapist to thank. She was the one who gave me the idea! I would never have thought of it! Cassi doesn't seem to mind now. It makes a big difference when you actually go all the time! :-D I think she is starting to realize that she can do this! But she really had a hard time in September in regards to the baby she lost. But she is back on track! She's also on some new medication. She's on Prozac. She's on a really low dose at the moment and I'm seeing a little improvement, I think anyway. But she hasn't been on it very long and the full effects don't kick in for six weeks. She's not there yet. We'll see what happens. If this doesn't work he wants to try Lamictal for her. Guess we'll see what happens!

Anyway, but to the story. Basically Jason got angry with me for it and in retaliation he deleted every recording I had on the DVR, including two documentaries I sleep to. I was so angry and it. I stayed hurt for days and I even got a little depressed over it, though I wasn't sure why it was keeping me down. Well, it was a response to the violation he had perpetrated on me. Kind of gave me a flashback. It was something John would do, or my brother would do. It triggered me. I've only recently started going back to myself in the last few days. Just goes to show you how easily we can be triggered to past abuse. 

Well, I have been keeping myself busy. In fact, I guess you can say I'm addicted to Facebook! LOL! I run several groups, though only 3 are really used - Little Bit of Everything, Recipes Collection, Daily Gratitude . . . I also run 5-6 Pages - Karissa da Kit Kat Queen of her Domain, my Writnngs Page, Traditional Holidays Though the Years, Overcoming Abuse, Food for the Holidays, and Christmas Cookies and Candies. Needless to say, I have ways to keep busy. LOL! In fact, I just reactivated Karissa's page and I just created Christmas Cookies and Candies last night. I was looking for a page or a group that would just have Christmas cookie recipes or Christmas baking . . . something . . . but there was nothing that was active or what I wanted in a group or page. So I decided to make my own! I'll have to do all the work, but if I find good recipes I have places to put them. My most active page at the moment is Traditional Holidays Through the Year. I have almost 200 likes for the page itself. I post pix that I find on the web, plus holiday treats, ideas, I ask questions . . . What's cool is that I also have over 30 people like Christmas Cookies and Candies and I made the page at around 10:00pm last night! Of course I did post the new page on my Traditional Holidays Through the Year page.

Today I want to do some baking. I need to decide if I want to make a cake, cup cakes or muffins. I haven't decided yet. But that is on the agenda. But I did call for a prescription refill for myself. Good thing I remembered! I also took my morning meds, gave Karissa treats and fed my fish - Tucker and King Sushi II. I have plenty more to do today of things I need to get done around the house - take care of the cats litter boxes, wash dishes as I get them dirty or make them dirty! But I'm going to have time to watch a couple of things I recorded on the DVR. I also recorded another documentary that I might be able to sleep to. It's the narrator's voice. It's calm and steady. It's soothing to me. Yes, I know I'm weird. :-P

Well, I think that's enough for now. So I hope your day is a good one! Mine will be! :-D

The Middle

Well, I haven't had anything that I have wanted to share over the last few days. They've been good, but a bit stressful. I've also been tired. One of my many issues at night now. I remember when I used to stay up all night and sleep all day as a teenager. I also remember staying up for 36-48 hours at a time, sleeping for 8-10 hours and do it all again. When I lived with my mother and sister, I never wanted to get up. I didn't want to deal with them - the put downs, the threats, the criticism . . . It was just easier to sleep all day and be up all night. I would avoid most of their abuses. Amazingly now, I wake up at around 7am to 10am at the absolute latest and by the time it hits about 8pm, I am done for the night. But tonight I'm a little more awake than usual and I haven't taken my night meds yet. But I'm happy here. I don't feel like I am constantly under attack like I was there.. And because I can wake up happy in the morning, I don't mind doing things around the house. I am no longer being judged on how I do things. I can just do them and be happy! :-) My life has really changed a lot.

There have been stresses though lately. There have been some marital issues. I can't go into it. It's not part of my life, except I feel like I'm in the middle a bit because I love them both. I also feel frustrated that I can't help. Then there's the issue of Cassi. Talk about a teenager with attitude!! I love her with all my heart and wouldn't want my life without her, but she argues everything and she always has an attitude with Jason and Susan. I know she's frustrated too. She doesn't have a room of her own and she feels like they breathe down her neck when they don't. They do try to discipline her from time to time and it doesn't go over well because they don't like how I raise her, but really, they can't do much except kick me out, but they don't want to do that. They love us! But then I feel like I am in between her and them. Then I feel like I get put down as a parent, but it doesn't happen very often. It's just we disagree with my way of doing things. I'm sure they are right on a lot of things, but if I wasn't the way I was, I wouldn't know about all the things she is doing. If I had been a total judgement ass, she still would have done it, I just wouldn't have known about it. Anyway, that's really not here or there. I just need a break from feeling in the middle of people. It drains my energy and brings my mood down. I felt it today, so tomorrow I just want to get up and do my usual things and just enjoy the day and stay out of the way of everyone, you know?

Oh, and I saw my Pdoc Wednesday. It was good! I like where I am with my meds and they work great! Also, they weighed me and I am 315 lbs! I haven't lost weight, but I haven't gained anything either! Which I think is amazing. I have really been eating pretty bad, though I have to say that I may bake a lot now, but I don't over indulge. In fact, I can't seem to have a lot of sweets anymore. I just don't want them much. Maybe that's the start of me losing weight again. I have to say it would be nice to be in the 200's and not the 300's. But I am thrilled that I didn't gain anything. I was really worried when I got on the scale! I was afraid I might have gained like 20 lbs. So glad I didn't! It also makes me feel like maybe if I lost more weight, I would be able to keep it off. Always hope for the future! :-)

Poor Cassi is sick with a cold. She ran herself ragged for about 2-3 days in a row, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough and being around people who were sick. It's been a long time since she's been sick like this though. At least it hasn't kept her down. She finally got some good sleep today and she's been eating. She even felt good enough to hang with her friends outside at the tables. Her friends are a band and she's going to be their official photographer. It might just be a dream, but dreams can be reality. We'll see what happens! 

Oh! And I just finished reading "Roses are Red." This book by James Patterson was great! Even though I knew who was behind everything in the story (been reading the books out of order), the book was amazing! It was thrilling from the beginning to the very end! And the ending was PERFECT! Tomorrow I'll start reading "Violets are Blue." I love his character Detective Alex Cross! I hope he continues to write more books for him, as I catch up with the ones I haven't read it. If you have never read an Alex Cross book by James Patterson and you love action and thrills, mysteries unfolding . . . you'll love it! 

Okay, well I am way late! I should have taken my meds hours ago and been to sleep! LOL! But I needed to get some of this out. At least it wasn't like some of my more unpleasant, angry entries. But it is time for bed and I am definitely ready! I just hope I don't have anymore weird dreams! I had this dream that I was in my mom's place and yet it wasn't. And I kept finding Betta fish in dirty tanks. Some were several in a tank. But as I cleaned them out, they started fighting with each other, so I'm struggling to find different containers to use to separate and clean them, but there had to be like 200 fish! But I just remember I was trying to save them from the bad water and then trying to save them from each other and I was so stressed out, but I kept at it. Go figure. It must symbolize something, but only God would understand I think! LOL!

Okay, bedtime. Goodnight!

It's Good to be Me! :-D

I am so happy to feel more like myself today. Being without my Invega was very hard and messed me up for awhile, but I feel back to normal which is a GREAT thing! :-) I woke up really early this morning, but I think it was because I wanted to make sure Cassi got off to school. She fought me a little bit, but I held firm and she went! :-) I just want her to go and learn, catch up . . . She can do it, she just needs to apply herself. And with the new medication she's supposed to start on Monday, things should start getting better for her. Prozac worked for Jordan and works for me too (in a low dose), so chances it will work for her too. I started feeling better within a week and I noticed a difference in Jordan in a week of taking it, so even though it takes 6 weeks to reach full effectiveness, I hope to see some improvement within the first week. That's what I hope for with her. Anything to pull her out of the depression she's been in for so long. 

Anyway, after Cass went to school, I stayed awake. I made myself some cold pumpkin spiced coffee. Actually half caff. LOL! I brewed the pots with both decaf and regular coffee and the pumpkin pie spice yesterday. It always tastes so much better the next day. I guess it gives the spices enough time to seep into the coffee. 

After that, I got onto the computer for awhile. I posted on my FB pages - "Overcoming Abuse," "Traditional Holidays Through the Year," and my Writings page. I even looked up articles on how to boost self-esteem and stuff on mindfullness. I want my "Overcoming Abuse" page to really be about not just learning that it wasn't your fault you went through abuse, but also ways to cope with the aftermath. I might share my story at some point, but there is so much to tell. Plus my memory isn't the greatest, especially about the abuses. Don't get me wrong, I remember them, but there's a lot I don't remember like exactly when things happened. I can just tell you they did happen. I had to deal with low self-esteem most of my life. I had to learn to be assertive and it took a LONG time before I thought of myself as a good parent or even just a good person. I can honestly say that now I'm away from my abusers I feel so much better. I have become a person that I enjoy waking up to! I like me now! :-)

I also got some time in with Jason before I had to take him to the trolley. I like when we having times in the morning. We get to talk. We get each other since we both struggle with some off the same things and knowing and understanding how someone feels is key to a close relationship. We are close. We've know each other and been close friends for 18 years! :-)

I came back from dropping him at the trolley and made myself more coffee. I started cleaning the stove. It was in serious need of a cleaning. LOL! I also decided to scrub the sinks, but they didn't get as clean as I wanted them to. Guess the only other thing I can do is try lots of bleach and let it sit for a few hours! I also baked some muffins - triple berry chocolate chip. They turned out pretty well! I'm glad I made them!

I also did my other chores. I cleaned out the cats, washed Karissa's dish out, I did more on the computer posting in my groups on FB. I also decided I was going to write a Flash Fiction only I made it a Flash Non-Fiction. I wrote about the last physical fight John and I got into. I made it quick because it was a Flash story (between 100-300 words long). But it was what it was - a blurry remembrance of the traumatic event. It actually started a discussion on a writing group I'm in. 

I have to say one of the best ways to put myself in a better mood is to smile at myself in the mirror in the morning. Adding a silly face after makes me smile more. It can help for sure! Something to try when you feel down. Just don't back down and convince yourself you can't do anything, because when you force yourself and get something done you feel better about yourself. I know it works for me.

I also talked to my therapist. We had a phone session. It ended early because I said everything I needed and he offered his take. I touched on an event that's OVER. I talked to him about Cassi and just life in general - how it had been without the Invega and how better I feel on it. I love talking with him because a lot of times it gives me clarity of thought. That's always a good thing. 

What's funny is I never thought I would be a Betty Domestic. I am still a slob, but I like to take care of things. I like a clean kitchen. I love to bake and cook! I am serious about taking care of my pets - family. I am happy and I feel loved and appreciated here. I am not judged or criticized. Who would have thought that just being happy and feeling needed and wanted could turn me into  one - or as much of one as I can be and still be me! :-)

I made dinner tonight too. I made a Chicken Buffalo Rice dinner - two packages Buffalo Chicken flavored rice, a can of chunk chicken breast and steamed carrots mixed together and served with ranch dressing on top. :-) It as so good!! Jason didn't want any, but he's not big into spices. Not that it's very hot. LOL! He's had it before and liked it. Guess tonight he wasn't in the mood. But I ended my meal with some of the cherry chocolate cobbler I made the other day. It is still so good! Yum! Next time I should heat it a little bit. Mmmmmmmm! 

Well, I guess that's it for this day! On to the Next!! 

6,052 Views!!!

Wow!! I'm floored that I have so many page views! I never thought my life was that interesting! LOL! But here it is, I have been blessed with a lot of page views and what's really funny is that when I started this blog it's basically a diary of my life. I didn't expect anyone to look at it, so needless to say I am so surprised - pleasantly surprised by the views. For those that stop and actually read more than what's on the first page, I thank you! If you like it, come back again! :-)

I am just genuinely happy and thank you all!

As for my day, it wasn't really that interesting. I worked on my Facebook pages and posted in my groups. I also created a new page called "Overcoming Abuse" which I try to post things as encouragement to others AND finding things about personality disorders that could be what the abusers have. Not to excuse them but to help us understand that whatever they did to us was NOT our fault. I grew up with abuse and as I got older I was abused by my siblings and a now Ex Husband. I have even had a friend once upon a time who was also attacking me for no reason. But that's basically where I post this stuff. I want to encourage others and to let them know they can survive and become better than they ever were. That the abuser doesn't get to decide what kind of person you are, how you think or how you feel. In fact, it shows people how shallow, malicious and critical they are. But anyway, I didn't hope in my "Holidays Through the Year" page today. Not that I won't, but I am getting pretty tired.

I woke up around 7:00am. I have been waking up so early these last few days, but I don't mind it. I was able to get right onto Facebook and start my stuff. I also made a large cup of coffee - two actually. I had cold coffee in the fridge and it's perfect for the morning! I put in splenda and some creamer and voila! Delish! But I also decided to write a flash fiction that had been kicking around in my head for awhile. A Flash Fiction is a very short story (between 100-300 words) with a twist at the end. I had fun with it and a few people got a kick out of it. 

I also did some regular chores like taking care of the kitties. I had to get Karissa fresh water and refill her dry food bowl. But what's funny is as soon as I open her canned food at night Romeo is right there. But Karissa eats her fill, jumps on the bed and starts grooming, letting Romeo eat the rest of her food. But other than that, she chases him out of the room. LOL! Sometimes I worry about Romeo, but he seems pretty fast and I think Karissa is just trying to make a point about this room being HERS! 

I also made muffins today! I wanted to make a cake, but I didn't have the vegetable oil I needed for it. The mix is Caramel apple flavored with matching frosting. I just had to try it when I saw it. I have been waiting for several days, but Susan finally picked some up! So tomorrow is going to be caramel apple cake! After we eat that I'm going to make spiced peach cobbler! Perfect for September! In fact, if this turns out well, I might share it. It's super, super easy!! That's the kind of cooking I really like! ;-) Everyone loves that I have been more into cooking and baking, but they say I'm making them fat! LOL! They love it!

Other than that, I haven't done much else. I picked up Cassi from the trolley after she spent time with friends. Her hair is now blonde until she decides to go for another brilliant color. She was thinking of going back to pink. But she also got snake bites. She's wanted them and she had one lip piercing already. Jason doesn't like it, but he's dealing with it. At least he didn't act like a jerk. He has done that in the past, but I think he's growing emotionally and understanding more about Cassi. Plus, he's known for a long time she has wanted snake bites.

Well, tomorrow I'm going to see about going to my Mom's to do laundry tomorrow. If she's okay with that Jordan can help me with it. He is so much better off at Grandma's house than with my brother. He's one of the abusers in my family. but that's a story for another time! But for now, my life is good and I am enjoying everyday! I hope a lot of people are having days like mine. And if you're not, it's okay. Things will get better. Sometimes it just takes awhile. ;-)

Okay, done for now! Time to pack it up and go to sleep!

The Winding and Strange Road of My Mind!

Well, I was going to actually write last night but I was way too tired. I had not slept much the night before and woke up early. I even ended up taking a nap in the afternoon. I'm a little tired at the moment, but not enough to take a nap, so I figured I would FINALLY get to this. 

I can't really say much is going on, but Cassi went to see "Focus in Frame" at Soma Friday  night and hung out with the band members a bit after the show at In N Out. Then last night she went to another concert in a bit smaller venue. The group was called "Ghost Town" and she had a great time. She got to meet the band there too! I think it' good she starts liking bands at the beginnings of their career because she ends up friends with these people and that will probably stick for quite awhile. She is a loyal fan if nothing else! ;-) I'm just glad she had a good time and spent time with friends AND made new friends! This is probably one of her favorite weekends ever! She even hung out with Bryan Stars for a few. 

As for me, I have been spending a lot of time on Facebook the last two days. I have been working on my groups (a couple of them anyway) and my pages. I have one that's for my writings and I have one on Holidays through the year. I like it. Right now I'm not really celebrating a holiday at the moment, but we are celebrating apples! I found some really yummy sounding recipes.

Here is my Holidays Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Traditional-Holidays-Through-The-Year/166874823502418

But after Friday night I woke up feeling wonderful yesterday morning! Who would have figured, but I think it's because I worked all that stuff out of me before I went to bed. I mean, it' basically done and over so I am back to my old self, even if I have been a bit tired. That makes me feel old though! LOL! I hate being tired! :-P Oh and Jason had shared a Youtube video he had been sent and I LOVED it!! It's the William Tell Overture - Momisms. It's so funny, but I love it!! Here's the link for that one. If you're a mom or grew up with a mom figure, you'll get a kick out of it. I've watched it several times and so far it hasn't gotten old! Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYukEAmoMCQ

I also found another video that made me cry! George Takei posted it on his Facebook page. It was a marriage proposal at a Home Depot for two gay men, and did I mention this is in Utah? That's right! But even if it were some someone straight it is a AWESOME idea ever! But this was so sweet it made me cry! Check it out if you want to! I LOVE this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4HpWQmEXrM&feature=youtu.be

Well, I think I'll work on my newest story. I have most of the pieces of it together. It just needs to be written. Not that I have put my other manuscripts away, but this one has my attention at the moment. This is definitely one of my more interesting tales. Nothing beats a serial killer! ;-) Plus there will be a few suspects on the way. I am really excited about this story! Seriously!! 

Man, I need more coffee, but I definitely need it decaf this time of day. I react pretty bad to caffeine in coffee for me. In tea it doesn't bother me; not in chocolate . . . nothing, just coffee! Go figure! But I definitely need the flavor with some Almond Joy creamer too. Yum! I think I am going to make three pots of coffee so we can have some in the fridge. I love cold or iced coffee. Warm is okay, but I hate HOT coffee! Anything that's going to burn my tongue off I don't want! Not to say I don't like some spicy stuff, but I don't like hot temperatures. Heck, I don't even like hot temperatures outside!!

Anyway, I don't know the temp outside, but it's warm and it's a bit humid. However, that's a San Diego County September for ya!  I can't wait for the end of the year! Halloween! Thanksgiving and Christmas! THAT is the time of year I really look forward too. When the weather starts cooling off I enjoy it! I know people that love summer. When I was a kid I LOVED summer, but I could with the heat then! I also grew up with a pool. But as I got older it was harder to deal with the hot temps. 

What's really sad at the moment is that the air conditioner isn't working as well as it could. That has to get fixed soon for the last few weeks of heat we'll get. But it's nice it's cooling down at night a bit, though last night was kind of warm in my room. Still, better than some nights were.

Well, I was going to make a Caramel Apple cake today, but Susan forgot to pick up vegetable oil so it'll have to wait until she does, but I will be making it as soon as she does. Until then, I'm going to make some triple berry muffins. Maybe I'll do it tonight though when it's cooler. I also have to make dinner. I have to figure out what it's going to be. I have a few ideas. I might just make more Mexican rice, through in some ground turkey and corn. Mix it together and serve with shredded cheese on top AND sour cream. I might serve it in tortillas like a taco instead of just a bowl. That's always good too! Dang I wanted to make that cake today though! Ugh! I would get some oil myself, but I just don't have the money on me at the moment.

Okay, there is really nothing else to really talk about I don't think. The unpleasantness from Friday is over. I am feeling good and I am enjoying my life! Tomorrow is going to be a GREAT DAY! If you're reading this, have one too! :-)

One For the Money, Two for the Show . . .

Okay, I'm back!! I left things for a couple of days because I just didn't have much to share. And truth be told, I've really been tired lately! When night comes around I am so exhausted. that I am ready to sleep. Not to say I do, but I try. Like last night I slept like crap. I woke up at 2am, it took an hour to go back to sleep, woke up again at around 4am and then kinda laid there trying to dose back to sleep, but all I got was an on and off sleeping. Eventually I just gave up and got my butt up at around 8am and just started doing stuff. 

Saturday was a good though stressful toward the evening. There was a spat between Jason  and Susan and it just kind of effected all of us. That night I had trouble sleeping too. I don't respond well to certain stresses. The nice thing about Saturday was that Cassi got to go to "Dave and Busters" with one of her friends. She came back in a good mood. Susan also went grocery shopping which was great! She came home with pulled pork.She'd also got Hawaiian sweet sandwich buns. We also had onion rings. I cooked and served! It was really good!! But the spat just sort of ruined the evening.

Sunday was nice, for the most part until the afternoon and evening. Well, it could have been worse, but all in all it was okay. Jason was just GRUMPY!! But you know, he always wants to be grumpy when Jordan is over. What a pain in the ass, right? :-P While he was at work Jordan walked all the way to the apartment. Two hours of walking, but he walked like 5 miles! I think that was awesome. He made pretty good time, I guess. Better than I could do! And in the heat!! So I figured he was going to stay for dinner. Then Cassi had her friend Josh over, but I warned them that it was in their best interests to stay outside when Jason got back. And Jason was pulling stuff in the car by texting me at home about wanting to be alone. I was ticked. It's always about him sometimes. Especially when he's grumpy. So he was ticked off when he saw Jordan still here. But I wouldn't take Jordan back to Tim's until he at least had dinner. Jason tried to be mean to me, but I shut off my phone. When he is that grumpy he can get really, really mean. Cassi and her friend weren't that big of a deal, because they  did stay outside once Jason came home. But after dinner I took Jordan home, but I refused to talk to Jason, I was still very angry with him. But he eventually apologized for being an ass, which was nice. I didn't get over it right away though. He wants to be forgiven immediately and that doesn't work for me. I need time. But it didn't take me too long to get over it, I guess. I was fine by morning. But then, not more than an hour after taking Jordan back to Tim's when he called me and told me Tim was kicking him out, which pissed me off big time because he was constantly threatening Jordan about the fact he could kick him out whenever he wanted. I told him to call Grandma and call me back. As soon as Grandma told him he could come back, Susan and I went and picked him up from Tim's. Tim is an emotional and verbally abusive alcoholic. Even Jordan saw him drinking all the time. 

Anyway,  he only took one thing with him - his big trunk, but he was happy to be out of there. We went through some rules with him. He's been really good with his hygiene so that's not an issue, but really makes sure he  helps Grandma around the house. That he keeps his room clean. That he doesn't get grumpy with her. Outside of hygiene that's his priority. Plus, Susan is going to show him how to shop for food and I'm going to show him easy dinners to make. We are going to help him as much as he can so he can be more independent at time goes on. I'm also going to help him get to a Temp Agency to look for work! I think things are going in the right direction now that he doesn't have to worry about Tim being on his ass. Tim doesn't want to help anyone. He wants slaves. He wants to lord his power over people to make himself feel important. But that man doesn't have a caring bone in his body. It's all about control for him. He has this need to CONTROL those under his roof. I understand he's in pain a lot, but how often have I hear, I just want HONESTY. I don't talk behind people's back. Well, he isn't even honest with himself. I have heard him talk crap behind my back and Jordan HEARD him talk crap behind his back. In fact, George moved to keep Tim from seeing Jordan so that Jordan could listen to what Tim was saying. So he's a liar and can't stick to his own mantra. Yeah, I'm just a little angry. Plus, I think he was more abusive to Jordan because he's MY son. Tim can say what he likes, but he never really liked me or cared about me, and obviously he is not above taking things out on my kids.

Okay, anyway, we got him to Grandma's and I helped him inside. He had more stuff at Tim's so my mom helped me with some fuel so I could go pick him up this morning and taking him to get the rest of his stuff.

I was pretty wound up last night, if you couldn't tell! LOL! I was tired and I slept about 2-3 hours. But then after that, I just couldn't sleep really. I was constantly waking up, then finding it hard to go back to sleep. It sucked! And of course, there were all kind of weird dreams. Meeting the Queen of England with my mom. Starting my monthly and it being heavy. Being late for some presentation with the Queen and my mom. Some guy that was out to hurt me and a few others. Almost had  him tracked down too! But just very anxious dreams. Just my mind working out the emotions from yesterday. 

Then this morning, I had been trying to sleep, but I just kept tossing and turning though their might have been some light dozing. But when it hit around 8am I just got up. I couldn't sleep and I wanted to get Jordan over to Tim's to get his stuff out of there ASAP! So I took care of a few things like giving Karissa treats, taking my morning meds and feed Tucker and King Sushi II (Betta Fish). I ran off some letters too that need to go out in the mail; hopefully tomorrow!

After I picked him up, I took him to Tim's and I was seriously worried about an altercation and if I would have to call the police, but no one said anything to him. Tim didn't come out of his room. I'm not sure he even knew Jordan was there. But either way, we got it done. When we got back to Grandma's I went in for awhile to let Jordan get his stuff out of the car. I was cuddling and getting doggie kisses from Beignet (Ben - Yay). She is so cute! Good sized dog and so sweet. But she will bark at the front door and that's a good thing. I think she is a mix of German Shepard  and possibly a pit bull. But whatever she is, she is just beautiful, loving and a perfect companion!  I had to try to teach my Mom (Grandma) how to pronounce her name. I guess it's just hard for her because her hearing is going. It's been going for awhile though. But hopefully I might have helped her with  her doggie's name because she won't really come to you when you call for her unless you use her name. I need to take a pic of her next time I go over there.

After that, Cassi's principal called me and my first thought was, "Uh Oh!" But it turned out she was having a hard day. Her ex girlfriend was being mean to her. But Cassi stuck it out as long as she could. She also took a lot of time talking with her therapist at school. But anyway, the principal called and asked if it was okay to release Cassi from school early? Could I come get her? Well, I figured the day was rough so I asked if she could just leave the campus so she could come home by trolley or bus. Well, it turned out that I was still at Grandma's so I just waited for her in the McDonald's parking lot. It didn't take her long to get there at all! She wasn't thrilled, but she didn't look as depressed as I expected. However, she was still pretty upset. 

When we got home, she made herself some cold flavored coffee. We're using Heath creamer at the moment. The night before I had brewed 2-3 pots of decaf coffee and put it in my large pitcher and stuck it in the fridge. Since we have no room for ice, I figured cold coffee was the next best thing! Then I took a break for a few minutes, then I made some cornbread! Yesterday I made blueberry muffins. I forgot how good Jiffy is! I mean it's not fantastic, but they make nice little muffins! And the cornbread came out delicious! This wasn't Jiffy, it's a honey cornbread mix. Either way, it's so good! Jason doesn't so much like cornbread, but he likes the muffins!

A bit after that, I started pulling stuff out for dinner. I thawed the ground turkey already. But I didn't do too much with it until Jason and Susan got home. Jason went to try to take a nap for the Chargers game that's on tonight. Susan was showing me funny statuses. We had some really good laughs! But eventually Jason came out into the living room. She went to pick up some things from the store and I decided I would start making dinner, because Jason wanted pizza and wings. DiGornio pizza is pretty good. Anyway, I wanted to have the dinner for us girls done before Susan got back so that she could just plop his pizza in the over without having to wait.

Anyway, I cooked the ground turkey. I microwaved the corn. I made the instant mashed potatoes, shredded cheese, and opened the BBQ sauce. Basically I made BBQ Shepherd's Pie. You mix the cooked meat, the corn and as much BBQ sauce as you want. I used the Original Sweet Baby Ray's sauce and it was delish! After that's well mixed, pour into a 13x9-inch pan. Srpead it out. Top with potatoes. Spread that out. Cover with cheese. Put in a 350 degree F oven for 15 minutes. That should be enough time to reheat the dish and melt the cheese. I like a lot of BBQ sauce so I put more on top. It's easy and good! At least all of us enjoy it!

Well, Jason is happily watching the Charger game and so far the Chargers seem to be doing really well! Yay Chargers!! But I'm just chilling out writing this while "The Bourne Ultimatum" plays in the background. I should try to get to sleep. I'm tired, but I don't know. I'll see if I relax after taking my night meds. I am so glad that my meds are back to normal. I guess I should start ordering my meds 5 days before they are due just to make sure there are no lapses. 

Guess that's it for this entry. Tomorrow I want to pick up around here a little. The bathroom and kitchen need a little work. I also want to make a dump cake tomorrow and maybe more muffins! And I have more story and more letters and all kinds of things to do. Just a matter of getting it done! :-)

On to Tomorrow!