Sometimes We Just Ask For It . . .

Well, what can I say about today? LOL! Well, I almost woke up for the day about 6:15am, but I was tired enough to go back to sleep and I slept! I slept until about 10:15am. I got to spend some time with Jason before taking him to the trolley for work. When I got back Cassi's therapist from her new school came to greet us and finish the intake and registration forms. School starts on September 3rd and they still don't have the school ready for students or teachers or therapists! LOL! It's time to get it together people!! But she was very nice and I think Cassi clicked with her, which is a GREAT thing!! I think her last therapist was definitely not her type and she wasn't good with time management. She actually stiffed her on time, which once or twice, I get, but every time?? That was kind of the last straw with me. I don't know. She seemed nice to me, but I think on some level it was kind of fake. Not that I know for sure. Maybe that's how she was. But I also know not every therapist is a good one - from personal experience. Though I have been pretty lucky with most of mine. 

After our meeting with her, I just kind of took care of the litter boxes, washed my Karissa's food bowl and fed her. She was all getting in  my face like "FEED ME, MOM! I'M STARVING!!" Not like she doesn't have a bowl of food to graze on when she's hungry! LOL! Then Susan got home and she was so nice to pick up a prescription for me on the way home so I didn't have to use my fuel too much. That was awesome of her! Then I had a session with my therapist over the phone. That was good and I talked a few things out. That just seems how I work. I talk them out with myself, with others . . . It's a good skill I think. So that's something I get a lot out of.

Susan said she was making dinner tonight, but we all kind of forgot about it until around 8:00pm. After that it was kind of like. "I'll cook tomorrow." "Okay, works for me." I went and grabbed a sandwich! No biggie and I shared it with my Karissa! She enjoyed it a lot! :-) Then I started a letter to one of my prisoners. He's a sweet guy. It helps that I can read his writing. It's unusual and not the easiest to read, but once you get the hang of it, it's not too bad! I'm getting pretty fluent in it, or I am better at deciphering words. I don't know. One of the two. I posted some stuff in my groups on Facebook. There's always something new on there to learn or whatever.

Then for kicks, I looked up a previous friend of mine (from the Junior High Side of Life) who I used to spend some time stocking for here and there. It was just to kind of keep up with what was going on with her and I admit that at once point it was definitely stalking, but it wasn't like I was ever going to hurt her or track her down in person or something. She tells people I'm stalking her like I'm out to get her! Go figure. Anyway, I was just curious tonight. I rarely even care anymore, but she got a book published and I was proud of her for that. So I checked her out a bit. I sent her a note of how I was proud of her for that and like expected I didn't get a response. No big deal. Then I got this wild hair up my butt for some reason and I decided to do a blog search for her. I found it! And you know, it was my own fault for reading it, but I did get a little upset. The stalking thing is just out of control in her mind. Like what am I going to do to her? Then she claims my friend Nicole and I tried to deliberately ruin her marriage because we had been unhappy in ours?? What sense does that make?? Yeah, we're going to ruin your marriage because ours sucked! That is just stupid. No one in their right mind would do that. Then she claims she didn't call her daughter a cunt when she did. She admitted it an said she had apologized to her daughter. Isn't that having done it? What I really feel is that she makes up the way she wants it in her head and she says it so much she finally believes it. It's sad, but if she hadn't been obsessing about writing and trying to get me to do editing - which at the time I had to do A LOT for her. I'm sure she's improved a bit in 5 years. But THAT is what she got pissed at me for. I stopped writing for her - which I didn't get past three chapters anyway because I just couldn't get into her story without using my own character and that's no way to write. I didn't have a feel for it. I couldn't do it. My life got to the point where I was constantly stressed about it because she wanted me to write it. I should have just gone with the original plan and just edited what she wrote instead of having to try to rewrite any of it. But either way, it's under the bridge now for me. But she still harbors all this anger, bitterness and vengeance for me and honestly, I don't get it. Even Nicole's story with her is not what she said. It was bizarre to say the least back then. I won't get into details, but either her husband and son lied to her a lot or something. No one did anything to ruin her marriage or deliberately hurt her. I'm sorry she got hurt and I have always been sorry about that. But let's not make a mistake about what she's REALLY angry about. I left her high and dry with the writing. The day I told her I wasn't going to write her story for her anymore she dropped me as a friend. I will admit one thing I did wrong. I emailed her kids and told them that regardless of everything I would be there for them. Anyway, I should have known better because I have kids and they stick up for me. But it was so emotionally stressful I had a lapse of judgment. That's what I have to say about that. But then she used her kids and her kids friends to hurt me, my daughter and I'm sure if they could have they would have hurt my son. But does that warrant hatred and bitterness for the rest of your life? Come on! Five years should be enough time to get over yourself! Am I wrong, people? But she really believes the spiel she gives now. That's sad. And you know what? She stalks me too. I wouldn't be surprised if she's reading this. 

Okay, that was my rant. I feel better now and I am done with her. God closed that door for a reason. It's just sad because I would have supported her on her journey. Well, so be it. It is what it is, right?

Okay, other than that, there's nothing else I can say except I am done for the day. I am going to take a bath, do some reading, take my meds and go to sleep! :-)

Driving Through the Day!

Well, I woke up pretty good today and in a good mood for the most part! Kinda back to my old self. The bleeding stopped for awhile. Unfortunately, it started up again and "surprise, surprise" I got tired again! Of course, not like driving around in the heat helped at all. I mean, the heat could get worse, but this is when the humidity comes. It sucks! I don't do really well in the heat anyway, though I tolerate it much better than I used to when I was 160 lbs. heavier. That was horrendous!

Anyway, I woke up, spent some time with Jason. Then I had to pick up Jordan and his friend George to take them to GameStop over by my Mom's. Taylor and Cassi came along just to go. When we got there, the boys went in and got their game. Apparently they were handed the special edition! Needless they didn't take it back in. The woman obviously didn't check. I can't blame them. I mean, she did give that one to them. Not like you can take it back now. 

After that, we swung by McDonald's. I got two large ice waters. One for Cassi and one for me. George got a McFlurry and a Quarter Pounder, I think. He had coupons. Then I took them home. Then I went home. Hung out with Cassi and Jason a bit, but decided I was going to put my new sheets on the bed. I have been waiting to use them. They are light purple and I love this color! Anyway, I open up the sheet and come to find it's a flat sheet!! What?? I thought I had grabbed a fitted sheet. So I had to call Jordan to have him go with me to Walmart so he could do the exchange. I already returned too many things without a receipt, I guess. :-( I only do it when I need to do it, but I guess people were abusing the system or something. So I brought Jordan with me. Cassi came with again. So that was my second trip. But inside Walmart we had to go get sheets twice because I had taken off the stickers on the sheet I had because I thought it was what I needed. She needed another one to scan. What's kind of nice is the fact that I got my money back anyway!! And I wasn't expecting it back! I think it has something to do with things being put in the wrong place and if it's under $5. . . maybe? But that worked because Cassi was thristy, I was thirsty and Jordan was starving. He'd also taken 2 Tylenol PMs for a headache and was so tired! But we went to the McDonald's inside Walmart. Jordan got two McChickens, Cassi got a $1 drink and I had my cup from earlier so I just got more ice water! Then as we were eating my mom called me. I had called her earlier to just see how she was. She's still really upset about the break-in. I can't blame her and she asked if Jordan would be willing to stay the night again. Of course, it's another trip to the mobile home (my brother Tim's place) so Jordan could get his stuff. I dropped off Cassi on the way so that she could go see her boyfriend. Jason and Susan were taking her there. Anyway, I took Jordan over to my mom's and he's going to ask her if she wants him to stay for awhile until she feels better. It would be a good solution to her worrying. Jordan will kick anyone's ass if they try breaking in again! So all in all, I drove 70 miles in one day or more miles than that. Not sure. But at least 70. I am glad I don't have to do anymore driving! Yay!

That was sure more than I had planned to do today. I managed to get a lot of my daily list done today even despite all the running around. I do think I'm going to sleep we tonight! LOL! 

I did want to work a bit on my newer story, but I know I am way too tired to think straight so that will have to be something for tomorrow. I also have letters to work on. I need to write my new soldier. I'm behind a few letters and goodness knows I'm behind on sending packages. Maybe if I can afford it I'll send a couple of packages to him next month. I really need to make up for it. I also have another couple prisoners to write. Both of them sweet guys. One in particular. It seems I can read his writing pretty well. I am pretty good at deciphering hand writing. My dad was always amazed that I could read his "chicken scratches." LOL! That ability is serving me well.

Well, tomorrow Cassi and I finish her intake for school. I can't believe the summer is almost over! Wow! I can't believe my birthday is this coming Monday! I think I'l be 44 years old.  I never seem to keep track anymore! LOL! I honor the day with fun! But you know, I don't need to think how old I really am. I feel kinda timeless! I know it sounds funny, but it's true! I don't feel old. I don't feel young. I just feel good!! :-)

I need to get a little reading in tonight. I'm reading "Roses are Red" by James Patterson and it is great so far! Since I've been reading the Alex Cross books out of order, I know who the bad guy is. But I don't know the story. So far I am liking it. But I haven't found a James Patterson book I haven't liked yet! Wish I could be as prolific and awesome as him! 

Anyway, that's it for today's adventures! On to tomorrow's!!

Day 60 - Think This Will Be Short . . . Not?

I got up and let Cassie stay home again. She was really upset last night. I went back to sleep for a little bit, but I did get up and get ready for the gym. Water Aerobics wasn't so fun today, but I was having an anxiety attack through most of it. I did put on lotion after the shower and some of my cream, but I still got itchy. I think I'm just going to have to deal with it. 

When I got home I ended up taking a nap. Of course, Jason and Cassie were still at odds or rather Cassie was at odds with everyone. I needed that nap badly. Then I woke up. Talked to Sandra at SSI briefly. I have an appointment for next Friday and I need proof of income for the last year and a half or so. I'll have to call welfare either tomorrow or Monday. The sooner I get what I need, the better. 

I then also took my mom to get her nails done. I came back home and Cassie was talking about going to her father's. I told her she wasn't going until after the school year was over. She was angry at me for it, but oh well. Eventually, things worked out with Jason and she went over there and I think things are back to normal. I just feel that Cassie is still grieving and now she's worried about losing Grandpa Roger too. Maybe she'll go up for the summer.

Anyway, I picked up my mom from getting her nails done, though I stopped for a diet Dr. Pepper at McDonald's first. Once we got home, I was on the computer. I played on Cafemom. I posted in my groups - not all of them! But I did some posting in "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" I got a new member. Members seem to like the recipes! That's cool. I just wish I could get other people to participate. I closed the Q & A forum and will just ask questions in the general forum and see if I can't get more people to participate. It might work . . . Then I posted some love songs onto my "Holiday Dreaming" though I should do more there. Maybe tomorrow I'll focus on it. Once Valentine's Day is over, It's on to St. Patty's day. More forums! Then in the new group I joined I read the spoilers for "The River." It was suggested I look for it on Hulu.com and sure enough it was there!! So I watched it. It was pretty good. I like the characters and the story was interesting. I'm going to try to catch it every week on Hulu if nothing else.

Well, dinner was good. I actually got full, but then I got a call from Jason saying the blockbuster near me was going out of business and to check it out. I decided I would so I told my mom I was going to go out to get dressing - which the store ended up not having at the moment - but I thought there were a lot of movies that were realaly cheap, but they weren't as cheap as I hoped. They were $10 apiece so I didn't get a couple I wanted. I did get "Transformers- Dark of the Moon." At least I have all three movies now. I was bad though. I had a huge rice crispy treat - 300 calories! But that's the last thing I'm going to weat today except for maybe some cuties or something. But I think I'm doing okay. Especially if I get back on track with the water aerobics.

Guess that's it for now. I need to use some cream on my rashes and change into my PJs. Time for bed!

 

Day 59 - Still Depressed But Starting To Get Back On Track

I am still very depressed about losing Linda. She was always so supportive. I would have liked her to be around for my surgery and to help me celebrate my successes. But oh well. There's nothing that can be done about it. I just have to realize that she'll be there in spirit. I did cry a little bit last night and talked with her. Though I doubt she's listening to me. She needs to be with Roger and John. But I miss her too.

Anyway, I slept until 12:30pm. I was worried I had missed the gardener because my mom had a doctor's appointment. I didn't which was nice. In fact, I was able to pick up Jason from the trolley so that he could come over and hang out for a bit. They let him go early from work so he said. I have this feeling he just took the time off, but I could be wrong. It's just this sense I have. But you know, it's not my problem. He's the one that missed out on the money.

When my mom got back and the gardener was there doing a good job, she decided that she wanted to go out for something to eat. We went to Denny's which was awesome. I got a build your own slam again. This time I got two eggs scrambled with onions, the chicken sausage patty, wheat pancakes and oatmeal. OMG! I was expecting a little bowl of oatmeal. Turned out the bowl was HUGE!! Needless to say, I didn't eat everything. I left half the oatmeal at least and I didn't finish the pancakes. So I took them home. I'm starting to get a little hungry again so I might be finishing those pancakes. Anyway, it was good.

When I got back I got on the computer for a bit. I got ready to go to the gym tonight. Then Cassie came home. Jason and Cassie were butting heads again and he sent her home, though I think she wanted to come home. I got a text from Jason saying he was going to send her home permanently. I ignored it and went to the gym with Susan and to water aerobics. The class was good, though I still went to the spa. I can't help it. I need to warm up. Then I took a shower and put lotion on. Susan helped me with my back and the back of my thighs. So far I'm not so itchy now. Maybe that's what I need to do.

But I'm going back tomorrow morning. I need to get back into the swing of things with the water aerobics. I need to lose weight. Only 17 more pounds to go before surgery. 

I also had to pick up my medication so Jordan and I went out. I also had to go to the store to pick up some brown sugar. I also grabbed tortillas for Jordan and caramel mousse tempations for me along with a life water for a dollar. I didn't get much, but I got my balance and I think Susan took more of my food money they she should have and isn't going to tell me about it. I'm not going to say anything, but next time I'm going to keep track of my balance so I know how much she uses. I mean I'm down to just over $100. That's just not right. THEN as if that wasn't bad enough Jason was upset about Cassie threatening to take everything away from her over her not apologiing to him. I understand, but he upset her big time and when she's upset there is no reasoning with her. But all she had to do was say "I'm sorry" without attitude!! Ugh!! What a pain in the ass. I was having a panic attack over it. Susan was crying. These guys don't understand what this crap does to us! UGH!!!

Anyway, I guess Jason finally settled down, but Cassie never did apologize to him. That sucked. I don't know what's going to happen now. All I know is I gave Cassie some ativan. I probably shouldn't do that, but she was so upset. She relaxed considerably and I'm hoping she got to sleep. Morning is going to suck. I have to get her up and get ready for school. She has to go tomorrow. It's been three days so that's enough. Time to go back to school. 

Okay, that's it for now. I need to get to sleep myself. I watched "Ghost Hunters" for the most part. Then I watched the new "Face/Off" which was really good. They had deadly animals and plants and had to incorporate them into something. Becky is a bitch though. I can't stand her. If she wins "Face/Off" I think I'll throw up. Now that's enough. Time for me to get to sleep - after the pancakes. I am exhausted and tomorrow is another day.

Day 30 - Teenager Trouble

You know, I consider myself a pretty laidback mom. I don't demand much and in fact, because of my living situation, I let my teenage daughter spend a lot of time with her godparents. You'd think she's be happy to at least have the weekends and most nights with them, but it's not enough for her now. Now she's back to acting like a little spoiled BRAT who has threatened to run away if she has to come home. That she isn't going to come home. I don't know where this came from. Just because she'll have to stay here two more days a week so Susan can go to the gym at night. She is just going to have to get over it and come back whether she likes it or not.

Of course, the problem being is that I'm very hurt. I try not to be hurt by her teenage stuff, but this has hurt me a great deal. It has really thrown me backwards. I have wanted to cut, but I haven't yet. I have wanted to stuff my face with sweets and sugar, but I haven't. I want to cry and I haven't done that either. But it's like she doesn't care if she hurts me. She says it's always about me. I guess that's what teenagers all say, even though it's really about them and what they want and aren't getting. Ii know I should just let it go for what it is, but it seems like Jason and Susan aren't going to be helpful and that pisses me off too. Cassie wrote on her facebook that she wanted to spend the night somewhere because of family trouble tomorrow night and Susan tells her she's staying with them!!! HUH??? She has to come home! She can't spend the night there! And if she does then I'm going to have to rethink everything. I don't know whatelse to do. We can't go back to the way it was. I don't know.

Anyway, yesterday my mother and I got into a big fight over Cassie. That was after I took her to get her tabs and we went to Walmart to pick up some stuff. That was about Cassie spending the night with Jason and Susan when it's during the week. I was so upset that I laid down. Got up only for dinner and then went and laid back down. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I did. Then this morning I woke up with a scratchy throat and just achey from head to toe. I called Susan and told her I wasn't going to go to water aerobics today. I ended up sleeping into the afternoon. Then I got up when it was close to when Cassie came home. She rode her skateboard home. That's when everything blew up and she left. Susan found her at her school or just about there.

I really don't know what to do about her. I really don't. And I'm trying to be good and stay on my plan, but it's been hard. I have wanted to really mack out on sweets, but I haven't. I had one thing that was 120 calories - and chocolate covered marshmallow caramel heart. At least I check calories now and try to calculate what I can have and not. Then I got a diet green tea. I'm not supposed to have the caffeine, but at least there are no calories in it. I never thought I'd been so calorie conscious. Well, I just hope I'm still losing weight.

I should go to water aerobics tomorrow, but with the way I feel, I'm not sure I want to. But I suppose I need to whether or not I want to. I'll sleep and make up my mind then. tomorrow I guess. Maybe it will be a better day, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

I did do a little reading today. "Beautiful Creatures" does get more interesting by the page. Then I watched a bunch of episodes of "Dirty Jobs" as I played on Cafemom. I also watched the last part of "Casino Royale" and some b-movie on SyFy that has Michael Shanks. I wish things would get better. I suppose I'm going to have to just believe that things will get better, but I sure don't feel like it will be. Just more heartache from a teenager that doesn't think about anyone but herself.



From Happy to Pain in 60 Seconds Or There Abouts

You know, I thought today was a good day. It felt like a pretty decent day for the most part. I woke up and got Cassie to school. I was exhausted though because I didn't sleep well last night so when I got home I went back to sleep - I didn't make Cassie's bed or anything. My mom got irritated though because I slept. But anyway, I woke up in time to get dressed and get Cassie. But my mom wanted me to go to the pharmacy and the store for her so I talk Jordan into going with me. He wanted to put his $20 down on his game for next month anyway and I told him we'd do that while we were out.

Well, we went and picked up Cassie. From there we went to the pharmacy and Vons. Jordan went into CVS while Cassie and I went into Vons to get what my mom wanted. I was able to get everything and have change. What was funny was Jordan came up behind us and scared the crap out of Cassie. Personally, I thought they were getting along okay. Guess not. Anyway, as soon as we get home, Susan was there to take Cassie. I said good bye and I didn't realize it was good-bye.

Going into the house my mom was upset about Cassie's clothes on the floor and the bed being unmade so I took care of that. Then I started prepping for hamburgers. My mom was going to cook them, but I prepped the pickles, onions, tomatoes and cheese. Dinner was good. Then I took Jordan and I to McDonald's. I got him a Rolo McFlurry and I got me a caramel sundae and Diet Dr. Pepper. It was good. When we got home, I was exhausted so I went to lay down for a bit. Then I get this message from Jason saying Cassie wants to stay with them. Well, I didn't want shit from my mom. But she said ask me and Cassie was so mean. She really hurt me. And she let me know she didn't want to be with me. She says she loves me, but if she did then why would she complain about the little time I had her here? It wasn't like she was spending tons of time here or anything. Anyway, first Jason was a fucking ass to me. Then I had to deal with Cassie. Then I was just crushed over this. She just doesn't want to be with me. It doesn't matter how she tries to say it's not that, but if she loved me and wanted to spend time with me she would take the time I had set up. She doesn't care. She doesn't. I should just accept that fact and move on. She doesn't want me to be her mother. She doesn't want me in her life except when SHE wants me. I feel discarded. Then Jason is like "We don't want you to feel like we're taking her from you." To be honest, I don't know how I feel about them where this is concerned. They could have tried to talk to her about being with me and I doubt they did. They just wanted her back and now they have her back and I'm left alone again. It just hurts. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to deal with it this time. I can't get past the pain. I hurt so bad I'm not sure I want to see them at all. But tomorrow I'm supposed to pick up Jason because Susan is taking Cassie to get her cavities fixed. I don't know. I just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I actually have thought about cutting. I mean, honestly who cares. Okay, that's not fair. Jordan cares. Maybe they care about it, but you know, I don't. I just hurt so bad, what am I supposed to do? I wish I could just disappear. Or numb out. Well, no, not numb out. That would take away the last thing that really matters to me. My Writing.

You know, I love Jordan so much too, but he's almost 20 years old. He's an adult. This is when he's supposed to go his own way. He doesn't and I love having him around, but Cassie was kind of like my best friend and she was definitely my baby girl. Maybe I am just a horrible parent and it serves me right to be going through this. I don't know anymore. I just hate it. These are the times I wish I were dead just so I wouldn't have to feel this and it feels like it's going to last forever.

I have to try not to think about it. I'm going to see about getting back to my writing tomorrow. I have to do something different. But if Jason thinks he's going to have someone that's great to be around tomorrow, I don't think it's going to happen. I need to start writing tomorrow. I need to do something with writing. Pour my heart and soul into that. At least that can't hurt me like this. I control the story. I control what happens. I can maybe loose myself in the story for awhile.

You know what really sucks? Yesterday I was so happy and excited and now I feel like I am in the depths of hell, crying my eyes out and in so much pain I can barely deal with it. Maybe I just need to take a handful of ativan and go to sleep. I am emotionally exhausted. I went from loving life to hating it in the matter of 24 hours or less. Great, huh? I hate things right now. I hate it! Hate it! Hate it. Part of me wishes I was were dead.

Emotional Swinging

Today started off okay and most of the day was okay but this evening has been a bit of a downer. My mom is still not happy with me, but she gave me the money to get the car smog checked - which ended up being $35.95 which is the best, most awesome price!! She also wrote a check to pay for my car registration. She still wants me to pay the extra $10 a month, but I guess I can deal with it. I have to be careful, but somehow I think I can make it and still get DVDs. I just have to be very careful with the money and I have to make sure I can still get things for the kids. I don't know what I'm going to do about their birthdays and Christmas. I'm going to TRY to get Jordan that video game he wants - Skyrim or Sky Rim. It comes out in November. If I can I'll try to pay some in October and the rest in November or try to pay some in September and October and November. That could work. I just have to see what I have left after I get everything that Cassie needs for school and stuff. I want to try to get "Dexter - Season 5" too. Somehow I'll make it work. 

The Smog check didn't take that long. In fact,  I had about four or five pages read when he finished. "The Sheik and the Christmas Bride" is pretty good though it's just at the beginning of the book. I skimmed it a long time ago, but it's good to be reading it through. I still have to finish "Passion" too but I'm taking my time with it, I guess. It's a good book and I get sucked in when I start reading it. I'm just not pushing to finish it quick. It's going to be a year for the last book anyway. Speaking of books I do still need to get back to mine, but I feel emotionally so drained all the time - tired and drained. I feel like I wouldn't do justice with the edits to the story. But eventually I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and just do it, you know? And I want to write more fantasy stories. The one with Michael is so hard though! I kind of want to write another 007 story! LOL! I could make it more interesting. But we'll see.

Jason and Susan brought over their kitties. Jordan and I had gone to Walmart to get a couple of litter boxes because we couldn't find the ones they had left here last time. Apparently they found one litter box. I didn't take my phone with me because I didn't have pockets in my pants. I wish I would have grabbed it. I could have told them I was getting the litter boxes and that they could get litter. Ugh . . . Ah well. Got Jordan and I out of the house and away from my mom for awhile.

On the way there we grabbed sodas from McDonald's, got refills at Walmart, got some goodies and walked around for a bit. Even went upstairs to Electronics to look in the $5 DVD bin. But there wasn't anything I wanted. I did find a movie I wanted, but I decided to hold onto the $20. I had said that if I still had it on my birthday I would go back and get "The Mechanic." Of course, that depends on Jason and Susan. I don't know if they got $40 or $60 worth of groceries. Because if it was only $40 then this $20 has to got for fuel. If it's the other then they should be giving me another $20. I just don't know and don't feel like asking. But I would REALLY like to get "The Mechanic."

Anyway, I found out after I got home that my mom had made Cassie cry. Of course, Susan tried pulling a mom move and that didn't go over so well with Grandma. My mom got pissed. Flat out told them that Cassie was never living over there again. Cassie is devistated and angry. I knew she was. But then Jason just has to RUB IT IN! First he started shit about how basically it's my fault because I'm on Welfare. The HE can't have her because I'm not independent. Like she is HIS. I mean, he IS the closest thing she's had to a real father, but still!! That was NOT superceed ME! I was trying to do what was best for her. But I can't go to jail! If it hadn't been for her fucking father things would be fine. But I can't STAND the fact that Jason just RUBS IT IN  MY FACE HOW UPSET CASSIE IS - Like I DON'T KNOW THIS?? He claims to not want me on the fucking streets, but I'm sure he wouldn't really mind as long as he got Cassie. I am just angry and really hurt. He always says he's sorry or he didn't mean it or didn't mean it that way, but that's him back-tracking from what his original thought was. He just realized it might have hurt me and THEN he's sorry. Was there any real thought about how hard it was for me to give Cassie up? Was there ever any caring there? Really?? And now my daughter is going to treat me like she hates me because of all of this. I hate John. I fucking hate him and I HATE how Jason treats me sometimes. He can be so thoughtless with his words. Then he tells me they don't feel like they can talk to me because I can't cope with it. Well, what GOOD could they want to talk to me about. The only things they could possibly say to me is how awful I am and that I should sacrifice the roof over my head or my ability to live so THEY can have her. How is that productive?? They just want to make me feel awful. They say they don't want me to kill myself, but once I get that Will written and notorized then maybe they'll get what they want. It's not like I don't have a plan. I have ALWAYS had a plan and it's changed only a little over the years. Part of me wants to live long enough to see Cassie get married and to have kids - same with Jordan, but there's part of me that just doesn't want to keep going on with my loser life.

Anyway, I got depressed tonight all over again. I guess I was more angry than I thought too. I don't feel completely suicidal or anything, but it hurts and I would rather not have to live with the pain of now or what's going to happen in a couple of weeks. I suppose part of me wonders if I'll make it to Christmas.

I know one moment I'm planning for the future and the next I'm planning the end. It's all about pain and mood swings, which go hand in hand. It sucks but that's it.

I did distract myself for awhile. I watched episodes of "Eureka" that I missed and the new one that was tonight. I also watched "The Closer" which was a great episode. This detective from Arizona asking for Major Crimes to look into her daughter's death. It was made to look like an overdose, but it was murder. It was a good story. Then I watched "Rizzoli & Isles" which was great too! Someone was killing Witches just like they were killed in Salem back in the 1600's. It's sad. It was a girl with Schizophrenia. I do like my shows.

Anyway, I need to take my meds. I am tired. Don't know if I'll sleep soon, but I can hope. I can cuddle with Karissa and if I'm lucky I will relax enough to sleep. I didn't take to Jason again tonight. I guess I'll talk to him tomorrow. I should call Rick too. I haven't talked to him in several days. Of course, he might be with his other lover. LOL! Ah well! He will also have his son this week so I don't know as if we'll get together, but you never know. But now it's time to try to go to sleep.

Depressed and Tired

I'm tired. I'm very tired, but I doubt I'll sleep and as soon as I lay down my head will start in anyway about how I am a screw up. Reminding me of all the ways I have managed to fuck up. I didn't wake up today until 4:00pm and I just felt so rundown. Last night I cut up my forearm. I got one deep enough to bleed down my arm a bit. Strangely comforting. I wasn't thinking much about them tonight and Jordan and I went to the store, but he saw them as we were leaving. He got upset. I guess he worries about me. Told me I needed to talk to someone when I feel that way, but I just couldn't even verbalize it last night or even today. Jason tried reaching me most of the day. Grant you, I had been sleeping, but I ignored a couple of his calls because I just didn't know what to say because I am just so upset.

Eventually he called my mom who told me to call him. I waited a few minutes, but I finally called. I didn't say much. He just said he was over yesterday and that even Cassie wasn't mad. That things were going to be okay, but they're not. They're not ever going to be okay again. And I thought with her coming home maybe I could correct some of the things I had done wrong before, but I don't think she's even going to let me try. Even if she doesn't hate me, she will. Even though I'm trying to do what's right it won't ever be right and it will never be enough.

I want to go back to sleep. I do. I watched hours of "Cupcake Wars" which distracted me for awhile. My mom made dinner. I got salmon which was great. But the depression is taking me over. I feel like crap.

My mom went to bed early so I decided I was going to go get cakes. Or rather a cake. I got Jordan and we went to Vons.  I was right about the Boston Cream pies being $5 yesterday.  But I got one today anyway. Two dollars more. I've already eaten almost all of it all by myself. I guess I'm stuffing my feelings with food. I mean, whatelse do I do, right? I really do hate myself and my life. I can't honestly say, that I wouldn't kill myself if I had that Will written out. I need to make sure Cassie doesn't end up with her father. That's the only thing I care about. But the pain is so strong. Yesterday was one of the worst days. Today wasn't horrible, but the feelings haven't changed much.

I'm tired. I want to sleep. I don't know if I can, but I want to. I want to forget about everything for awhile. Though I was thinking about killing myself so much last night that I dreamed that I was going to die - that someone was going to put me to death. Not like I was a criminal. I didn't feel persecuted or anything in the dream. I was just ready to die, I guess. But I don't think I've ever dreamed about being put to death - It was going to be lethal injection or something that it wasn't even going to hurt. I'd just go to sleep and that would be it. Doesn't sound half bad.

Anyway, that's it. All the rambling I want to do. I kind of want to cut more and I kind of don't. I guess I'll decide once I lay down. I just hope to God I sleep.

I Finished My Fantasy Story!!

It took me almost all day and really, I was distracted on and off. But I set my mind to finish it today and tried to go easy on the sex, which I did. LOL! But it was so much fun to write! I could have kept going with it, but I just wanted it done and posted. Now I'll have to figure out another to  work on maybe. Well, I should do some editing and working on my own stories - I mean books. But it was so much fun to write my "007 - Love Me." Dumb Title but it works. I just loved writing it. And that's what my writing was missing for awhile - FUN! Maybe I can get that back now since I had so much fun with this story.

Anyway, I slept until 3:00pm or so. I slept like crap and I didn't sleep again until 7:00 - 8:00am. Then just bad sleep. My stomach has felt weird. I had that attack of Diahrreah yesterday. But I guess because I slept like crap I have been tired all day. I feel like I could lay down and go to sleep, but who knows if I would sleep. But I'm going to try here shortly. I am taking a muscle relaxer that Jordan picked up for me at the store.

Diana is starting to turn into a bitch again. I can feel it. She finds things. Acts like they were just done OR done just with the purpose of pissing her or my mother off AND she's mad at me because I didn't like her soup. She said I couldn't get enough of it last time. Well. she did something different then because it didn't taste the same. I don't know what to do, but she's upset about that. This is another reason why I sleep all day. I don't want to be around her very much. And it seems like she is just NOT going to leave!! I will kill myself if she's not gone by the time Cassie starts school.

Anyway, Jordan woke up at around 9:30pm. He wasn't going to eat soup so I told him I'd take him to the store though I have to stop doing that. Anyway, I had medication to pick up too - one of which was the muscle relaxer. We then went to Vons and I got him a couple of little sandwiches and I let him get a drink and ice cream. I got Gold Peak green tea and eclaires. I just wasn't in the mood for ice cream.

I have a lot of anxiety tonight too and I think that's directly because of Diana.

I guess the only thing that I did besides writing was watching "Beyond Scared Straight" which is a good show - troubled teens get a look what life is like behind bars. I watched a couple I hadn't seen, but then they started showing ones I had seen so I just went back to writing my story. Which was much better anyway.

I hope Angel my writer friend on FANtastic Writers likes it.

All On a Saturday . . .

Today seems like it's been a really long day. Not really, but I feel it. I didn't sleep great, but I did get to talk to Cassie around 7:00am give or take before she left to go to Nevada and Roger and Linda. I was kind of upset when Jason told me that Linda had called him and thanked him for taking care of her and that she could see a difference in Cassie. I was like What the fuck?? They haven't seen her in YEARS! And they are going to say something like that about me. And then of course Jason telling me, like bragging in my face. He said for me not to take it that way, but how else do you take something like that? She's doing so much better now that her mother doesn't have her! Ugh!

Anyway, I put that out of my mind. I called Linda myself, but didn't say anything about what she'd said to Jason. I just let it go and talked with her and then with Cassie. Cassie was happy to be there and had already made friends with the dogs. I knew she would. She's great with animals. She's learned how to approach them. I guess I taught her something in her life. Well, it was good to hear her voice yet again.

Then Jason invites me over for a girls night with Susan. Then no, then yes, then no again and yes and no . . . then come over. So I get over there, Susan's gone. Jason and her were fighting and it was continuing over texting and phone calls. Eventually they came home and Jason started being all weird and he took his shorts off and was walking around making funny comments. It's not like I haven't seen him in the buff before. But it made me crack up and made Susan laugh. But eventually after puttering around on the computer and the fact that they decided to go to Sea World - which I thought was crazy from what he'd said about the parking lot earlier. But I headed home.

From there, I told Jordan (and my mother) that the Girls Night had been cancelled. I told her it was because Susan ended up not feeling well. I  mean, why go into the whole story if I don't have to, you know? But Jordan was happy because it meant we could go to the drive-in. I have to admit I was looking forward to that option too. He had to take care of a couple of things before we left and in that time I wrote a couple of poems. Nothing major but a couple of things for the Poetry Garden. I just feel this deep darkness inside. It's not completely out, but its oozing out slowly. But I feel it like a well or pool. I'm sure more poetry will come out of it.

I don't think my mother was thrilled that we were going to go to the movies, but I hadn't been to one in so long!! So Jordan and I left. We stopped at the 99 cent store to get batteries for the boom box, candy and drinks. I spent more than I should, but I enjoyed it all. When we got to the Drive-In, I was bummed out though. They raised their prices from $6.50 to $8.00. I was like, HUH?? But I paid it and we went inside. Jordan was able to set the boom box to the right station easily. While we waited I read more of "Torment" which is still just as good as ever. Then we watched "Captain America" and "Transformers: Dark of the Moon." "Captain America" was okay. I enjoyed it, but some of it didn't hold my attention completely. But "Transformers?" WOW! It held my attention from beginning to end. I definitely enjoyed that one more. But it was just really nice to be able to go to the movies. I guess it's been about a year or so since I was able to go.

Anyway, on the way home we stopped at McDonald's with the last of the money. I got him a couple of McDoubles. I got myself one and a drink, of course. Though I probably won't finish it tonight unless I want to go pee constantly. I am tired now. It's coming up on 3:00am so I need to take my meds and go to sleep. I hope Karissa stops talking for the night! LOL! She talked a full half hour when we got home. I guess she missed us! :-)

Another Day Another Time For the Bitch!

I don't have much to say today. I slept almost the whole day. I wanted to. I have to wake up so early tomorrow it sucks. But I have to go to Welfare. I need to fill out the paperwork too. I just wish I didn't have to do it. Especially because I have hardly any fuel left and I just hate it. But we have to do what we have to do. 

My mom had a cow with the fact that I was sleeping so late and that Jordan did too. He slept longer than I did. I finally got up and watched some TV and got online. My mom or Diana had made dinner and I got Jordan up to eat and do dishes while Diana was on a walk. Of course, when she got home, she started yelling at mom. Whatever. It will come back to me sooner or later. As it is my mother has still been a bitch to me. She has been so verbally abusive. It's hard to be back in this position. It really is. I'm having heartburn every night. I am always anxious. I'm always tired. Emotionally this crap is just draining. And I can't say anything because I'm always wrong. Doesn't matter if I were right. I would be wrong no matter what. I fricken hate it. I just wish Diana would just go back to Dave or drop dead. I hate her. And now my mom says that they might not go to the family reunion! OMG!! Kill me now! I need a break from them! I need that week break!! Ugh! IF there really is a God, He will make them go to it and get them out of my life for a week so I don't flip out. I'll tell you, I don't know how much I can take if Diana is here. I have wanted to cut almost every day several times a day. What can I do? And if I leave they will do what they want with my room. I would be leaving Jordan alone here to fend for himself . . . I don't know. I don't know what to do. 

I'm going to hope that my food money is in tonight. I want to do some food shopping. Nothing major. Just want to get some snacks and stuff. My mom and Diana will have a cow, but you know, whatever. Then stop stressing me out! They have the attitude that I should do what they want if I want them to stop. Well, I want the same thing. I want them to stop before I give up my treats. Well, nothing is going to change though. I know it for a fact. That's how it goes here. My stress level isn't going to go down, so my stress eating isn't going to go down. I won't even try to stop it right now. I should, but I don't want to. I guess I just stuff with food. It will make me feel a little better at the moment. It may not later, but it will work for now.

Well, since I'm going to go out to Walmart in a bit and go shopping, I think I should get dressed. :-P I just hope my food money is in so I don't look like an idiot in line. I might have to take my heartburn medicine now. I hate that it's happening everynight. Anyway, I suppose that's it for now. I am hating life at the moment, but there's nothing I can do about it. So there you have it. Crap on crap. I just need to get dressed and finish watching "Haunted Collector" season finale. Almost can't wait to get to the store.