Feeling About the Same

Well, I'm still sick, but not completely sick. I'm about as good as I was last night. I'm just tired and get sore a lot easier. My poor mom is REALLY sick. I had to take her to the doctor. Since she figured she was going to be awhile she gave me a little money. So I went to McDonald's at Walmart. I got a good place to park. It wasn't even a handicapped spot. All I got was a McDouble and an Extra Large Diet Dr. Pepper. Plus, as I waited I decided to try to whittle down my synopsis. I got through almost the whole thing when my mom called. I'm just relieved that as soon as I opened up the spiral my mind was going. I was really worried that being sick was going to throw me way off. But it hasn't!! :-) I am back on track!

Anyway, I got to see Cassie for a few minutes today. They kicked her out of Prime Time because she wasn't actually registered! LOL! That's my girl! But I filled out the paperwork for her to go. She just needs to go for the homework assistance. I'm hoping that the Vice Principal calls me tomorrow and works with me on this. She doesn't need to be there for the whole Prime Time thing so I'm hoping they won't give me trouble. She wants to stay after school because of a boy! :-) It's so cute. Her friend finally introduced them. Cassie's on cloud nine! It was good to see her even if it was only for a few minutes. I've missed her this week, but I'm certainly glad to keep her away from the sickness.

My mom is really, really sick though and that bothers me. The doctor had called in a prescription for her and I went to go get it. She gave me her credit card and told me to get her some sherbet. Actually, she wanted ice cream. The worst thing you can have with a nasty, congestive cold. I talked her into sherbet instead. I also asked if I could get some bread. But what ticked me off was my mom called the pharmacy. They made it sound like the medicine was ready for pick up. It WASN'T!! I was so aggravated. My back was hurting. There was no place to sit, not that their chairs are fitting for someone my size. Eventually I did try sitting down, but I was starting to really feel crappy again. As soon as they had it ready, I was GONE! I came home, gave my mom her meds, served sherbet for both of us and then HAD to sit down. My back is killing me.

After my mom went to bed, I helped Jim - the contractor putting the new roof on who is staying with us for now. He was having a hard time with his gmail. I got a little bit of it sorted out for him, but his laptop is a pain in the ass. I told him if he needed more help that I would help him. :-) He seems nice enough.

Going back to my room, I finished posting stuff on my Cafemom groups, especially "The Writer's Workshop" and "I'm not fat! I'm fluffy!" and I finished my second draft of my synopsis for "Assassin's Seduction." I also typed it up and tried getting it into the right format. But I don't know how good it is. I don't know if it shows my passion or not. Plus I'm not sure I used the right tense all the way through. Think I'll see if someone can look it over for me tomorrow. I'd like to say I have it done because I don't think I can pull anything else out of this synopsis. I just can't do it. Ugh!! I wish I could have gotten it down to one page, but I don't know. Maybe I'll try to find a few online to look over. We'll see.

Anyway, I have been half-watching "Chopped." I actually saw the finale to "Chopped Champions!" and this one girl I thought had been eliminated, turned out I had her confused with another girl. LOL! Anyway, it was nice to see the end of it since I had watched the other episodes. Now "Sweet Genius" is on and I have never seen it before so it should be interesting.

I don't know if I'll sleep anytime soon, but I am tired. I think I might take one more turn about my Cafemom groups, but then take my meds and try to go to sleep. I won't see  Cassie until Monday afternoon . . . But at least I should be completely well by then!

Guess that's it!

First Draft of the Synopsis DONE!

I did it!! I finished the first draft of my synopsis! It was difficult. I had to stop a lot of times, but I did it! I think some of it is actually kinda good, but I think a lot of it needs to be worked on, so tomorrow I'm going to work on the next draft. Maybe try typing it this time and see what comes out. At least I went through the book and took the best parts of it, I think.

Anyway, I got up this morning and I didn't want to get up. It does seem like I spend most of the day exhausted. It sucks. Cassie was awake again and almost ready for school. I got my coffee and she drank about a third of it. LOL! Then I took her to school. When I got home though, I went back to sleep after making her bed. Apparently I did a crap job of it because my mother complained. I was very tired. She wants me to remake it, but I don't think I will.

When I was sleeping I had some of the weirdest dreams. I had a dream that my mom was sleeping in the bed with me and that Karissa wanted out so I pushed open the window screen down making it fall. Then I woke up in the dream! I can't remember a lot of whatelse happened, but I remember yelling at some girl. Then some woman confronts me about people not wanting to deal with me or something and I said something about the store working like a regular store. Then I was at a store that seemed to have stuff - I think books, video games and what not. Then I was at this funky machine trying to get it to work when my mom actually woke me up. It was weird because it took me a moment to realize that I hadn't been awake. That I'd just got woken up! Weird, huh?

Anyway, my mom wanted to go to the 99 cent store so I took her. I went in long enough to get water. Then out in the car I worked on the synopsis. Almost as soon as we got home, I had to leave again to go get Cassie from school. I worked on the synopsis again as I waited. Then as soon as I got home with her Susan was there to pick her up. :-) Susan, Jason and Cassie all got their hair cut. Cassie got all kinds of layers. It looks great! Now she wants it colored! Fuscha and green streaks. :-) 

My mom gave me money to get burgers tonight for dinner. She was in a crappy mood today though. But I guess she's just getting disgusted with Jordan and I. Whatelse is new, right? My room is a disaster. Jordan is a mess and sleeps all the time too . . . he gives her attitude. I went to McDonald's and got the burgers. I got myself a drink too. I paid for that though. When I came back, Jordan still didn't want to wake up so my mom and I just ate. Then I went back to my room and kept working on the synopsis, stopping here and there for breaks. I went online to Cafemom and Yahoo. But really just briefly here and there.

Anyway, now I am thoroughly exhausted. I've been watching "Criminal Minds" on and off as I worked as well. Now I'm going to finish watching this one, then I'm watching "Haven" and hopefully going to sleep, but I never seem to be able to. But we'll keep trying.

I Started My Synopsis and Made a Doctor's Appointment

I am exhausted. Again. I really hate this, but it is what it is. As long as Cassie is in school I'll be getting up early. I was so tired this morning though, that as soon as I had Cassie at school, I finished drinking my coffee and I still couldn't keep my eyes open. I ended up sleeping for another couple of hours. I got up in time to take my mother to the post office and bank - and Albertson's and for me, McDonald's for a drink. When we got home, I finally started my synopsis and I tell you, this is going to be a very long process I think. I'm going to try to get it done by October 1st, but I don't know if I can. I'm giving it my best effort though, because I'm going to start sending out query letters on the 3rd or 4th. I also made an appointment to see my doctor - Dr. Jason isn't there anymore. But I'll see one of the doctors. I'm going to try to get a referral to see someone for a gastric bypass. I think I'm finally ready to go forward with it. Like with my writing. I need to move forward.

Anyway, I waited to pick up Cass from school only to get a text from her saying that she was staying after school for an hour. So I went to McDonald's - since I had enough money - and got another soda and a McChicken sandwich. I hadn't eaten anything. Then I just parked, called my mom to let her know and then worked on my synopsis. I'm not past the 4th chapter, but at least I'm making progress to get the main points in first. Then I'll whittle it down.

While I was waiting Jason was also texting me. He wanted to come over and spend some time with me. I wasn't really feeling up for company, but he talked me into it. So when they came to get Cassie, he stayed with me. We hung out for awhile - he helped me make my mother's bed because it's a two-person job - and then I took him home. I wan invited over for dinner which worked out great. Susan made spaghetti and  it was delicious. Then we had Cassie take a shower, but before that Jason dared Cassie to eat a spoonful of peanut butter with kechup. She did it for $5! ICK!! You couldn't pay me enough! LOL! But she did it so she'll get $5 on Tuesday!

After she took her shower, she got clothes together, we said good-bye and then left. It was great to go over and have no tention. I wasn't worried about Jason flipping out. In fact, he was tired, but there was no attitude! And I think that's because all this stress has been taken out of the equation. I like the schedule, Jason likes the schedule, Cassie can't dislike it too much because she had been doing so good! She has been happy in the mornings and happy at night. She jokes around and she confided in me tonight that she hasn't cut in like a month - me too! And her friend Nikki hasn't cut in two weeks which is a big deal. I think we're all just doing so good!

Anyway, I am exhausted. I thought maybe I would have trouble getting tired tonight because of the extra sleep this morning, but nope, I am still just as exhausted as ever. We'll see if sleep though. That's the big question. I was so tired last night and the night before and I still didn't fall asleep until late. I think Tuesday night was something like 4am-5am and then last night it was at least 1am or 2am. I just want to be able to sleep when I'm tired like this. I hope I do. I'll try to think positively.

Well, tomorrow it's going to be more on the synopsis and who knows whatelse. But for now, I'm going to take my meds and go to sleep.

Feeling Off

I have felt tired and off all day long. Well since I woke up. I'm going to do my best to go to sleep early because I just want to sleep. Last night it took me hours to fall asleep. Plus, I think I'm fighting off a head cold. Cassie has been fighting a cold and so is my mom and I have been using more nose spray than usual which usually means I'm fighting off a head cold. I'm not coughing though. I can't keep my nose clear though. It interferes with my ability to sleep.

Anyway, it's not like I've done much today. I really haven't. My goal really was to write a synopsis, but I just couldn't. Doing the research for one, I literally got a panic attack. Not sure what that's about, but I might give myself another day or two before working on it. Maybe I'll hand write a little of it. I can try anyway. Ugh! It seems like such a project, but I don't want to not have it in case I'm asked for one.

Maybe I just need a little bit of a break from working on the writing project. Just a day or two. Then I have to throw myself back into it. But I have to get this anxiety under control. Plus, the depression I know I'm fighting. I have been excited and stuff, but depression is right under it. And I'm really depressed tonight because I had to fight with Cassie about her coming home. I eventually had to call Susan to reinforce that she had to come home. They worry I am blaming them for how Cassie's acting and what's funny is I feel like they're blaming me. I guess there's enough to go all around. I hate it though. I feel like she would be happy to not have me in her life at all. I know that's probably the depression, but it seems true. She would be perfectly happy being over at Jason and Susan's and never see me again.

Anyway, I was able to watch MOST of the "Eureka" finale. It was a cliffhanger, of course. Ugh! It'll come back for a Christmas Episode, but then it won't be back until next summer! :-( Ah well. I have no other shows on tonight, but I think I might just wrap this up early, take my ativan - that Jordan picked up for me tonight. I kinda bribed him with a soda and an ice cream cone from McDonald's. Not like he wouldn't do it if I asked, but it's always nice to have a perk. But that $20 for my tank is down to $10 now.

Well, I feel like crying. Maybe I am PMSing a little still. Maybe I'll try Cassie's pamprin and see what happens even though I'm over my period, I think. Or not.

Time to take meds and veg. I think that's all I'm capable of right now.

Challenging Day

I didn't have to wake up early this morning since Cassie was at Jason and Susan's this morning. I didn't actually wake up until around 1:00pm, but I wasn't sleeping well. It was too hot and I was worried about Cassie going to school and coming home or here rather. I also called my, lawyer to find out that my lawyer had retired and that I had a new lawyer. I left a message for him. I'm a little uncomfortable because I don't know him. I did get a refund from either my car insurance or the DMV. I don't know which. But either way I got $21. Of course, my mother opened the letter and was the one to find it. So she had me sign the check and she gave me the money. It's good because I got into one of my $20s for fuel to get sodas at McDonald's.

Anyway, I grabbed a soda from McDonald's and parked at Cassie's school to pick her up. I actually got to work a little on my story "Crossfire." Then before long the school bell rang. I was kind of anxious because I wasn't sure what to expect when she got to me. But she seemed happy enough. She was with one of her friends who I was nice enough to take home. I think she said his name was Zeke. I believe he was her friend last year too. After that, we went to get fuel in the car and get more sodas - one more for me, then Cassie and Jordan. Cassie had to call AT&T because the internet on her phone wasn't working. I was impressed. She handled it like a professional! Then once at home things were okay. My mother and Cassie got into it a bit. But it settled down. I helped Cassie print off a pic of herself for her science class. I don't know what they're going to do with it, but I guess she was told to bring in a recent pic. Then Susan and Jason came to get Cassie. That worked out for me. I got online and was able to work on a couple of things for my groups. I posted a bunch of stuff for "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and then I also worked on my Word Prompt on The Writer's Workshop. I also posted my James Bond Fan Fiction. Angel said she looks forward to reading it many more times and I thought that was cool! :-) I posted that I was thinking about writing a follow-up and she wants me to! I'll have to think of something fun. Or maybe I can write a holiday story. That's something to think about!

Anyway, Cassie was hysterical when she had to come back home from Jason and Susan's. She was beyond mean. Yelled, screamed, said some real mean things. I finally had had enough and told her to go take a bath that I thought we needed a break. She didn't go take a bath. She actually went out to the old computer room and talked to her friends - and Jason. When my mom said she wasn't in the bathroom, I went to check on her. She was more calm. I asked what she was doing. She told me and I was okay, but I'd like you to take a bath. After that, she did and when she got out she came to me and cried a little bit telling me she was so sorry for what she'd said. I'm glad she apologized, but I told her to try to think before speaking because once you say something, it's out there and it can't be taken back. I mean, I can handle it. I deal with Jason often enough - not easy, but do-able. Then she just sat on the bed next to me. We went through her backpack. She wanted me to write on her spirals - subject, her name and the period. That made me feel special. I know it's a dumb little thing, but it did make me feel good. Her and I hung out for a bit more. I got her to get into her night clothes (I had her use one of my shirts and then she had shorts). She then showed me a couple of songs on YouTube and changed something on her Facebook. She went to bed at 10:00pm. Glad she didn't argue about that. My mother got upset though when Cassie told her she hated her. But you know, it's just how it goes. I told her to expect Cassie to act the same way for awhile.

Well, after she went to bed, I watched the new episodes of "Billy the Exterminator" which were great! Rat Killing, Fire Ant Killing, Roach Killing, Baby Allagator saving . . . All good stuff! Now I need to take my meds, set the alarm for 6:00am (I am DEFINITELY having coffee tomorrow morning!) and then try to sleep. I think my anxiety is finally easing up. Tomorrow I have to go to therapy and I hope I don't forget. I've been forgetting a lot of stuff lately and I need this appointment. I still feel off, but at least my chest isn't hurting.

I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day - at least when Cassie comes back from Jason and Susan's tomorrow night since they're picking up Casssie every day around 4:00pm. And damn my head is hurting again. Ugh!! Time to take meds - definitely some advil! Time to go!

Reading, Writing and Editing

Today has been a bit of a long day, but a good day! My mom needed to get X-rays done so I had to wake up early. I knew it so it wasn't a bad thing. But it did take me several minutes to get up. Then I thought maybe she had to go to imaging, but it turned out that she needed to go to her doctor's off. After I dropped her off, I went to Walmart. I went to the McDonald's there. I had my iced coffee with me so when I was done drinking it, I just got soda. I also got a couple of Big Macs - 2 for $4. While I was eating I also did reading. "The Sheik and the Christmas Bride" is a good book, though I didn't read that much before my mom called to pick her up.

What sucked is when I got home I was trying to fix my mattress when my big butt knocked over my soda!! Ugh! All over the floor! I was so ticked!! But on the other hand, I got my butt online and checked out my stuff. I was kind of sad that no one had read my "Jason Bourne" story yet, but that would come. I did decide to start the editing of my book. Chapters 1-3 were done. I got chapters 4-7 done. It's awesome. Tomorrow my goal is to edit three more chapters. I hope to be done editing by Tuesday. After that, I start working on my Query Letter. OMG! The thought kind of makes my anxiety rise. I guess because I don't think my last one was good and I want a GOOD Query Letter. Then I want to start sending to Agents AND Publishing Houses. See where I get a bite. I have a feeling this is going to be a long road. Longer than I want it to be. But you know, if I get success at the end of it, then it'll be worth it. I just wish it would happen sooner for me. But I'll just have to keep writing and reading since it goes hand in hand and see what happens.

Eventually Angel in FANtastic Writers read my story and she loved it! It makes me feel good to have someone reading my writing and enjoying it. I just want to have people love my work. I just hope I get that one of these days. If nothing else, at least I have it on these short story fantasies.

I have to say I'm pretty tired. I'm thinking I can finish watching "Burn Notice" and "Suits" and then go to bed early. It would be nice, I think. I did get to watch "Project Runway," which was a good episode. 

Anyway, I think that's it for me for now. With luck, tomorrow my money will come in and I can start shopping - getting what I need to get this month. It's hard to believe it's September already. Next week Cassie comes home and starts school. Well, time for meds and watching the rest of my shows. Then hopefully sleep.