Sometimes You're the Bug on the Windshield

This day has sucked. I am so full of anxiety and feel sick to my stomach. I wish I would have slept through the day. I got a call from Welfare. Someone gave them a tip that Cassie wasn't living at home for the last couple of months. I said that that wasn't the case. That right now she was visiting her grandparents and was going to be back in a week and a half. They said they might send out an investigator. :-( So I'm freaked out. I called Jason. I called Linda because the first person I thought of was John my wonderful Ex Husband. Even she thinks he might have done it. Nice huh? Plus, I called Greg and confronted him and he said he wouldn't do that to me. Sure he could lie, but I don't think he was.

Anyway, I haven't told my mom. I know she would totally freak out and demand I get Cassie back and make her live here, even though it's not in her best interest. I don't know what to do. I just feel sick to my stomach and that I'm totally screwing things up. I feel like a failure. That I have screwed up bad. It's probably not going to be that bad, but I don't know. I keep thinking of ways that they can prove I'm taking welfare without having Cassie under my roof. I know I shouldn't do it, but I don't have SSI yet and this is not a good place for Cassie. My mother isn't nice to her when she's living here. I definitely don't want her here when Diana's here. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I really want to go cut on myself. I am having suicidal ideation - a little. Cutting is the big thing. I might end up in the hospital. Then they couldn't say shit about her being somewhere else. Being in the hospital wouldn't be a bad thing for my SSI case either. I feel crazy enough. Part of me wants to end it all. But I just can't. Wish I could though. I haven't felt this bad and this hopeless in a long time.

I wrote to my Aussie Ron. But I haven't heard back from him. He might be sick. I know it's winter over there. Or he might have left early and I only just wrote him. It's also the weekend so I might not hear from him for days. I just wish I could hear from him. It would make me feel better. Just hearing from him always makes my day.

Anyway, I'm shutting up now. I have managed to watch "Burn Notice" which had Sam in a very deadly position, but Michael was able with Fiona and Jesse able to rescue him and get the weapon that was stolen. I watched "Suits" which rescued a girl put in jail for something she didn't do. They tracked down the bad guy. And I'm going to finish watching "Covert Affairs." This had a hostage situation in it.  So far so good.

Maybe I'll just drown myself with ativan. I also have vodka. I suppose I could take a couple of shots. I don't think it would hurt at this point. Anyway, that's it, I'm out of here.

You Reap What You Sow

(My Ex Friend on the Left me on the Right)

It's karmic really. What you put out to the universe will come back to you three-fold. I have always believed in what comes around goes around and have tried to live in a way that I won't have stuff come back to me.

Anyway, I was just looking up the status of this woman who'd been a friend of mine. We'd known each other a long time - since I was 12 years old. But the friendship was always rocky. Friends, then not friends and then friends again. As we got older, we lost touch and then I found her and we started being friends again. Well, that was fine and dandy. It went well for a long time until her book. I'm a writer as everyone knows, and most people know this story anyway, but I'll go through it again. She wanted me to write her book for her. At first I had taken it on as a side project. After all, I have my own books to write and really I wasn't supposed to have to write it for her, but her writing is like a junior high kid or less so it really came down to writing the book for her and it was just a project. She called me constantly. Got jealous when I finished my projects and worked on another. But it wasn't my book. It was hers. She was the one with a passion for it and I told her that it wasn't my top priority. But she pushed and pushed and burnt me out on it so much that I just had to drop the project. I tried to be nice about it (though I also found out she was abusing her kids over the computer), but that wasn't acceptable. I became the devil spawn because I decided not to work on her book anymore and she turned on me in a BIG way. She likes to say it wasn't because of the book, but when it comes down to it, that's exactly what it was about.

Anyway, now that I've gone through the story, it's time to get back to the status I found for her. She says she feels like everyone has turned their backs on her again. After so long, wouldn't a normal person ask themselves why?? I mean, this has happened for years on and off with different friends. Not just me. She just managed to upset other people in her lives and they've turned their backs on her. The sad thing is, I didn't turn my back on her. She turned her back on me. Even now, if she called me, I'd take her call. There are some things that haven't passed under the bridge yet, but I don't just turn my back, as she puts it. Still, it comes down again to what you put out to the universe will come back to you. You will reap what you sow . . . If people have turned their backs on you again, maybe there is a reason to be found in yourself.

One hell of a week

I don't know if I should cry, scream or just go to sleep. It seems like I have been on edge anyway. Nothing was going right for awhile, after everything had been right for awhile. It's strange how the other shoe always has to drop. I can feel all these stupid emotions swirling all around me and yet it doesn't matter. I can't control them. I can control what others see, but I can't control what I feel inside and it's been everything from irritation to anger, to emotional and physical pain.

The only real bright spot in my life is a man I love and who loves me who is married and lives half way around the world. Okay, not the best of relationships, but it's not exactly like we're going to meet - at least not any time soon.

But the events have played out a bit like this - Jason texted me Saturday morning with some crap about Cassie. When I fired back at him with a couple of things - not being nasty, just being hurt - he shoots off at me with some nasty things that hit me hard. It just brought up a lot of past trauma that has been happening since I was a kid where I was just a worthless human being. I still struggle with my self-worth, though I no longer think of myself as a bad person. I just still don't have a lot of worth in my eyes. And of course, because he was already angry (before he texted me) he lashed out and hit way below the belt. I wouldn't talk to him for Susan for the whole day and spent it crying on and off. It's difficult for a woman that hates to cry, to actually do that. It makes one feel vulnerable and out of control and feeling a lot of pain. Anyway, then I let my friend Greg over to spend the night. I thought maybe I'd be able to get some sleep eventually, but he shook, talked and woke up so much that I COULDN'T sleep until he was gone. Then I got a few hours. Even the next day, though I was talking to Jason again, I still spent a lot of time crying and I'm even feeling it now, though only because I'm thinking of the event. That's how bad it got to him . . .

If that had just been it, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But then Sunday night when Cassie gets home from spending the night with Jennifer and then going fishing that day - where she caught a 4.2 lb Bass that she had to release which was a major Highlight for her, she managed to slam her wrist in the bedroom door. Still not sure how it happens, but I've had things like that happen to me too on very rare occasions. Well, she was in pain. I tried helping her ice the area. My mother let her borrow a splint for the night and a nightgown since my daughter only really has PJs. I also gave her some advil. She practically cried herself to sleep. When it was still hurting the next morning, I knew it needed to be X-rayed to make sure it wasn't fractured. I knew it wasn't broke, but I thought a fracture might be possible, though I had hoped not. So off to the ER. Well, good news, there was no fracture at all. She had just managed to traumatize the tissue so they gave her a split, which is already falling apart - how cheap - and they also gave her tylenol with Codine. She's had two of them and I'm not sure I like them because they make her very emotional and last night it brought up some very bad feelings. She still has a lot of pain and anger revolving about her repeated molestation. Therapy apparently didn't help much so I'm going to talk to my therapist about what I can do to help her. I really just don't know. I'm a bit close to the events too. I have a lot of my own anger issues to work through, though certainly not nearly the same as my daughters.

But with the hospital, Greg was supposed to pick us up as soon as we discharged before he saw his mother. That's was fine and dandy, only he took 45 minutes to get there and it should have only taken him 20 at the most. So we sat down on concrete all that time waiting for him. She had been given tylenol with codine in the hospital already and was tired and grouchy. Well, Greg FINALLY got there. He parked and went to go see his mom. No big deal and I knew he was going to be awhile. But OMG!! That van was so uncomfortable since I was tired too. Cassie had no problem crashing in the backseat, but I just couldn't get comfortable at all and did a lot of stretching and moving around. By the time he got there, we had to get Cassie's medicine. I had to stop home for something, I ended not being able to find and then went to walmart. I was on my feet for hours there. It was fun up until the point that my back and body really started aching.

Between last night and today, I can't remember the last time my body hurt this much. Then today I was invited over to dinner at Jason and Susan's. As I said - weekend over. Greg took us there. Was supposed to come back to pick us up since he couldn't be there for dinner . . . But as it got later and I couldn't reach him Susan was going to take us home. However, what pushed us into going home the most was Cassie's "friend" Katie and I use that term loosely. I don't know exactly what happened. The story is incomplete on both sides, but either way, it doesn't matter. Katie doesn't have a mark on her and Cassie has a HUGE scratch mark down her face! I am HORRIFIED and PISSED over there. I told Cassie, I don't care if you want to make up with her later, it's not happening this time. I'm putting my foot down. PERIOD. Plus, Katie has stolen toys from Cassie and on occasion just helps herself to candy and things that belong to other people. Anyway, it's been nothing but drama when it comes to this girl and for the most part, I thought she was a sweet kid, but there has been more than this one instance when things have gone very wrong. And regardless of ANYTHING else, those two bring out the WORST in each other and need to stay away from each other anyway.

It just seems like things just keep getting worse.

It sucks, but I guess that's life.