A Nasty Suprise

Yeah, I got a very nasty surprise yesterday. I was still a little down, but today I feel great! I am thinking it's because no one is hear with me today. I don't have to worry about Jason's moods or Susan snapping at Cassi or with Jason and Susan arguing with each other and worrying if it's going to spill over to me. Yesterday Jason was a putz again. I just left him alone, but I thought it was rude of him to just sit out there in the living room and just tell me he needed to be alone. I understand why he needed to do that - it was because he had to make an important call and he needed to be able to hear, but he didn't tell me when it was over and when I asked he said he just wanted to be alone because he never got time alone in the house. He said I could come out, but I just told him, next time tell me. But it did irritate me. Not that I was going to stay out there for long, but I just wanted to talk to him. So shutting me out didn't go over well with me.

I just feel like I can't talk to him anymore. I can't keep walking on egg shells around him. I  mean, I did enough of that when I lived with my mom and my sister. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to an extreme. I always felt like I was waiting for the next explosion and I'm starting to feel that way with him. It might get better, but I don't know. It doesn't seem likely with the stress of the holidays. The holidays are great! But I also know it comes with stress and he doesn't deal well with stress. But it has cemented my desire to move. My goal is to try to move out sometime next year. I'm not going to spend a minute more than I have to with someone that triggers me as often as he has been lately.

But here's the REALLY nasty surprise. I just mentioned my sister, right? And how abusive she was. Well, she's in town and staying with our mom. She is going to be here through Thanksgiving at least and possibly to Christmas. When my son, Jordan, told me I just about threw up with anxiety and I had massive panic attacks. I tried to deep breathe to calm me down and I eventually got a hold of my therapist, but I had NEVER had a reaction this bad to an abuser before. That just says how badly she abused me, I guess. I was freaking out because I wasn't sure I could deal with her, my mother and my brother Tim. God only knows if Wes is going to show up. After all, mom doesn't have very many Holidays left. I want to be there, but now I know why my mom was hoping I had somewhere else to go. I think I'm going to be there, but I'll talk to my mom. If she really doesn't want me there because it will stress her out, I'll just pick up Jordan and we'll come back to the apartment and spend the day together. Cassi might go to a friend's house if she can because she won't go near Diana. She says if she does bad things might happen and she doesn't want to stress out Grandma. I was telling myself I'm going to go and just deal with it, but it really does depend on what my mom wants me to do.

At least I feel better today. I felt much better after talking with my therapist. He helped me through it. And I wrote about it a little bit. Once I was able to calm down, I was ready to realizing that things will probably be okay. But it still comes down to my mom.

I woke up in a good mood! That's always a good thing. I didn't have nightmares, at least none I remember - the night before I had a couple bad ones! It threw me off then with Jason . . . But today I woke up feeling good! I got dressed, gave Karissa treats and fed our Bettas - Tucker and King Sushi II. I was running late, but I got to Cassi's 30 day review. Though I was 5 minutes late they weren't ready so I guess I was still technically early! LOL! But it went well, though some teachers weren't able to make it. There were a lot of teachers being gone for training purposes this week. All in all, Cassi has been doing much better, except in Math. She doesn't do well with math online. She needs book and paper and some extra help. Her attendance has been great! But her moods are still shifting a lot. Either the prozac isn't really working that well or it needs to be upped. If nothing else the doctor will try her on Lamictal, which I am all for. It is an awesome mood stabilizer! Well, for those who can take it. Some people are allergic. But I since it works for me, it might work on Cassi! But I am just glad she is definitely moving in a positive way forward. I have great hope for her.

And my positive note for myself today is that I am Grateful for the Country I live in! Go USA! LOL! :-) I just feel good, though I'm tired and now my cramps are acting up! Ugh! Time for Ibuprofen, so I guess I should wrap this us! I just hope tomorrow is just as good as today. Oh and my mom bought me a turkey!! Now Susan, Jason, the kids and I can have our 2nd Thanksgiving! Yay! Well, I think I'm getting over the nasty surprise. And who knows, maybe Diana will be nice to me now that I don't live with mom. Anything is possible!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

Today has been pretty good! I woke up around 12:30pm and my mom had cooked up some maple sausages. Yum! I fixed myself iced coffee with my cinnamon vanilla cream creamer. I also heard from Mark! I don't know why but he doesn't seem to get my texts except when he texts me. It almost sounds like he has a phone like Greg used to have where texts would come randomly sometimes or not show up.  Though with Greg I really think that was due to his drugs. I think he thought he texted me, but didn't. Anyway, it was good to know that Mark hasn't written me off. He is quite a kinky guy so we'll see what happens.

Jason and Susan came over just long enough to bring my black cat mask over. I got to see Jordan in his scarecrow costume. He looked good! Then I rooted around in my change and got enough money to take him to CVS pharmacy to get some fake blood so he could look like a fresh zombie. Of course, next year we get the gray make-up so he can look more like one. This year he had to explain himself a bit. Still he got a good amount of candy!

Cassie was a fox and went to the school dance this afternoon. She was going to go with her boyfriend Ben, only he managed to get himself suspended. But she still had a great time hanging out with her friends. She really had a good time from what she told me. I'm glad she had that experience!

When I got home, I was a little aggravated because the guy to wash down the house came at 4:00pm and I still had to put up the Trick or Treat tape up on the garage door and get the pumpkins outside. But he didn't take that long, so that worked. But he took up the drive way too!! So I had to park on the street and that kinda ticked me off. But whatever. As soon as Jordan had a sandwich, George called and told Jordan he could go over so I helped Jordan put the blood on his face and then he left. Cassie took a shower and got her make-up and costume back on. She also helped me get the pumpkins outside and get them lit.

I got my own mask ready and at about 7:00pm we started getting kids showing up. I handed out candy, of course. It was fun and there were some really cute little kids and some older kids. I didn't mind. It was just fun handing out candy. I also watched and am watching the "Ghost Hunters Live" Halloween investigation. It's cool though I've only been paying half attention between looking for Trick or Treaters and then spending time with the kids. Cassie got a CRAP LOAD of candy!! HUGE amount! Jordan got quite a bit took but not near what Cassie got. They both shared with me which was nice so I had my fill of sugar! LOL! And that's not including my snacking on the candy we were giving out. :-)

I did post pix of the kids and I in costume on Cafemom and I have a lot more pix on the camera. These were just cell phone pix. In fact, here are the pix!

I think we all looked pretty good! Anyway, it was a lot of fun! It's kind of sad that Halloween is over. But oh well! It'll be back next year!

Now I'm going to finish watching "Ghost Hunters" take my meds and see about getting some sleep, though I don't know if I will. We'll see!

From Happy to Pain in 60 Seconds Or There Abouts

You know, I thought today was a good day. It felt like a pretty decent day for the most part. I woke up and got Cassie to school. I was exhausted though because I didn't sleep well last night so when I got home I went back to sleep - I didn't make Cassie's bed or anything. My mom got irritated though because I slept. But anyway, I woke up in time to get dressed and get Cassie. But my mom wanted me to go to the pharmacy and the store for her so I talk Jordan into going with me. He wanted to put his $20 down on his game for next month anyway and I told him we'd do that while we were out.

Well, we went and picked up Cassie. From there we went to the pharmacy and Vons. Jordan went into CVS while Cassie and I went into Vons to get what my mom wanted. I was able to get everything and have change. What was funny was Jordan came up behind us and scared the crap out of Cassie. Personally, I thought they were getting along okay. Guess not. Anyway, as soon as we get home, Susan was there to take Cassie. I said good bye and I didn't realize it was good-bye.

Going into the house my mom was upset about Cassie's clothes on the floor and the bed being unmade so I took care of that. Then I started prepping for hamburgers. My mom was going to cook them, but I prepped the pickles, onions, tomatoes and cheese. Dinner was good. Then I took Jordan and I to McDonald's. I got him a Rolo McFlurry and I got me a caramel sundae and Diet Dr. Pepper. It was good. When we got home, I was exhausted so I went to lay down for a bit. Then I get this message from Jason saying Cassie wants to stay with them. Well, I didn't want shit from my mom. But she said ask me and Cassie was so mean. She really hurt me. And she let me know she didn't want to be with me. She says she loves me, but if she did then why would she complain about the little time I had her here? It wasn't like she was spending tons of time here or anything. Anyway, first Jason was a fucking ass to me. Then I had to deal with Cassie. Then I was just crushed over this. She just doesn't want to be with me. It doesn't matter how she tries to say it's not that, but if she loved me and wanted to spend time with me she would take the time I had set up. She doesn't care. She doesn't. I should just accept that fact and move on. She doesn't want me to be her mother. She doesn't want me in her life except when SHE wants me. I feel discarded. Then Jason is like "We don't want you to feel like we're taking her from you." To be honest, I don't know how I feel about them where this is concerned. They could have tried to talk to her about being with me and I doubt they did. They just wanted her back and now they have her back and I'm left alone again. It just hurts. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to deal with it this time. I can't get past the pain. I hurt so bad I'm not sure I want to see them at all. But tomorrow I'm supposed to pick up Jason because Susan is taking Cassie to get her cavities fixed. I don't know. I just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I actually have thought about cutting. I mean, honestly who cares. Okay, that's not fair. Jordan cares. Maybe they care about it, but you know, I don't. I just hurt so bad, what am I supposed to do? I wish I could just disappear. Or numb out. Well, no, not numb out. That would take away the last thing that really matters to me. My Writing.

You know, I love Jordan so much too, but he's almost 20 years old. He's an adult. This is when he's supposed to go his own way. He doesn't and I love having him around, but Cassie was kind of like my best friend and she was definitely my baby girl. Maybe I am just a horrible parent and it serves me right to be going through this. I don't know anymore. I just hate it. These are the times I wish I were dead just so I wouldn't have to feel this and it feels like it's going to last forever.

I have to try not to think about it. I'm going to see about getting back to my writing tomorrow. I have to do something different. But if Jason thinks he's going to have someone that's great to be around tomorrow, I don't think it's going to happen. I need to start writing tomorrow. I need to do something with writing. Pour my heart and soul into that. At least that can't hurt me like this. I control the story. I control what happens. I can maybe loose myself in the story for awhile.

You know what really sucks? Yesterday I was so happy and excited and now I feel like I am in the depths of hell, crying my eyes out and in so much pain I can barely deal with it. Maybe I just need to take a handful of ativan and go to sleep. I am emotionally exhausted. I went from loving life to hating it in the matter of 24 hours or less. Great, huh? I hate things right now. I hate it! Hate it! Hate it. Part of me wishes I was were dead.

What a Cool Night!

Today was a pretty good day except for Diana going off on mom. According to Jordan she called mom an ingrate! What a bitch, you know? Then she came at Jordan and I will something around my chair that we must have seen and just left. Whatever. He and I didn't even know what she was talking about!! But I guess Jordan found out what it was. I don't even remember. That's how much I care. Then my mom says she's going to be here a couple more WEEKS?? Ugh! Why can't she go home now!! I want her gone by my birthday. The question is, will I get that lucky? Who knows. But I plan on staying away from her as always. That incident just confirmed to me that she is ready to go off on anyone around her. Though I'm sure my mother won't be happy with me either though. I paid rent today and only gave her $250. She wants $300, but I just can't do it! I know she's going to get on my case tomorrow. I can only hope that it's not in front of Diana. If it is, I might just walk away or barricade myself in my room. And of course, it all caused so much anxiety in me, it was terrible.

Of course, that was after I woke up around 1:30pm, got coffee and took my mom to get her toe nails done. While I waited for her, I started cleaning up my room a bit. Got clothes together for laundry . . . I really have felt energized and I do have to say I keep thinking about my evening fun with Rick. It felt so good! Anyway, I also talked to Nicole for like an hour. I told Nicole about Rick and how I was feeling and she says she hasn't heard me like this since Ron. And of course, I'm still like that with my Aussie! In fact, I heard from him tonight and that made my day too! Love hearing from him and he liked the photos of me I sent him. I think I'm going to work more on my room and the laundry tomorrow. I really want to get my bed cleaned up. Maybe flip the mattress if I can - with Jordan's help. Then I can get sheets on it and who knows. Maybe Rick will come visit here. Perferably after Diana leaves, though his bed is much better! :-D Oh and he called me tonight! When I hadn't heard from him, I wondered if maybe things were just over. Maybe he'd gotten what he wanted - anxiety of course - but he called and told me he was recording "The Bourne Identity" because of me! I thought that was cool! I can't wait to see what he thinks about it.

The last thing to report this evening is that Jordan and I went to the Drive-In. I know my mother is pissed with that too, but oh well. Jordan and I went to go see "Captain America" again because it was playing with "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2." We stopped at Taco Bell on the way. Neither one of us really wanted to see "Captain America" again, but I actually enjoyed it more the second time around. Go figure! LOL! But then, through "Harry Potter" we kept getting a bleed through from the movie at the other side of the Drive-In. I finally had to talk to someone after the movie was over because it was annoying. I waited, but did talk to the owner. He wasn't sure how it happened, but it was so cool! He gave us tickets to come back!!! So Jordan and I are going back on Sunday to see "Cowboys Vs. Aliens" which I REALLY want to see. Part of it is because Daniel Craig is in it, but it looks good too!

Though I'm afraid what my mother will say tomorrow to me I can say tonight's been pretty good. I need to take my meds and go to sleep. But a good night for sure.

Life's a Beach - Really!!

Man, I'm tired. Not that I physically did that much, but I did go to the beach today with Jason and Susan!! And Cassie and Lauren too. I was so tired this morning too because I couldn't seem to sleep well last night. But I told Cassie I would go to the beach with her and so I did!! :-) My mother was kind of pissed at me at first because I had totally forgotten about it until Jason had reminded me last night. But after a bit she said maybe it was a good thing. I could do some walking and I planned to do some swimming, but DAMN that water was FREEZING!! It was really great! We stopped at the store and got some supplies like water and cookies we headed to the bay. There wasn't any waves in the bay, but it was cool. The girls immediately were in the water. :-) Well, I think we had lunch first - PB&J. It was pretty good and then the girls talked me into going into the water with them. OMG the water was COLD!!! But I inched my way out there and eventually I dunked under and THAT didn't make it any better. The girls wanted to go past the drop-off, but I won't go in water that I can't see and where I can't touch the ground. It frustrated Cassie, but I just figured I'd get some shells. Found several interesting colored ones. They eventually got Susan to go in, but not all the way either, I don't think. I noticed that when the grown-ups wouldn't go to the drop-off with them, they didn't do it themselves either, so I wasn't the only one afraid. They had fun though hanging in the relative shallows. I mean four-five feet deep is deep enough. They just went up and down the shoreline. Eventually, I went down in the water again, but not that deep. I wanted pix of the girls in the water. After that, I pulled out "Fallen" and started reading. Everyone tried to keep me from getting sunburned, but I got a little burned anyway. But all in all, I really had a fantastic time! The sun was warm, the breeze was cool . . . It was really great and I would love to do it again. Maybe they'll take me along again sometime. They tell me I'm too white. I could use more color. So we'll see.

After I got home, I finally went to the bathroom and changed. I also finished reading "Fallen." I'm going to wait until tomorrow or so before I start "Torment." It ought to be interesting. Nothing like being in love with an angel. :-) It's very cool. I'm not as drawn into as I was to "Twilight" but it's still good. Great characters and I hope to see more of them. I'm particularly interested in the relationship between Daniel and Cam.

Anyway, I went to Cafemom for a bit. I uploaded some pix of fireworks. I really didn't do much else. I think I might do a couple of book reviews since I finished reading two books in three days. But we'll see. I'm tired and I might leave it for tomorrow. Maybe. In fact, I think that's what I'm going to do. Take my meds and go to sleep.

A good end to a good day!