Holly Not So Jolly Christmas and Beyond

Well, Christmas was actually very nice though Christmas Eve was one of the WORST I had ever had. Jason was a total ass and yelling about Ajay and pulling all kinds of crap. He got angry with Cassi because she screamed and cussed him out about how he was treating Ajay - her BEST friend! It just got all out of hand. I was angry, frustrated and went to bed before Jason and Susan came home from Susan's mom's. I did go to sleep after taking extra med to make me SLEEP! But it was definitely the WORST Christmas Eve ever. I hope that Jason is somewhere else or I am next holiday. I won't have him ruin another holiday season! In fact, Christmas morning I didn't want to wake up. But Jordan eventually woke me up for his stocking. Cassi and Ajay had spent Christmas Eve at my mom's. It was just a sad evening. At least I made Chili Mac. That was yummy!

Eventually Jordan got me up. He and I took pix of us with our stockings. I had a hard time getting ready to go to my mom's for Christmas. Jason and Susan were gone. Jason had worked the night audit shift and from there Susan picked him up and they went up to her brother's house for Christmas. It was no picnic for her either. She had to put up with Jason.

Butt once I got to my mother's, it was a good day! We ate, opened gifts - which I was thrilled to have gotten a couple things I had not expected! I was given a book, a check for $20 and a gift card to Walmart for $25! It was awesome! Tim tried to get me into a debate and I stopped it before it could go anywhere. He got so miffed that he left! LOL! I was irritated and yet happy at the same time. Does that makes sense? 

I also watched "A Walk To Remember," that Tim was supposed to watch with Nancy and Rudolpho. It was a good movie but not one I would add to my collection. I did enjoy it though. It was worth watching for sure. Butt it's a movie I would really just watch once.

Also I had some Chocolate Milk Wine! YUMMY!! It got me tipsy really fast and lasted about 20-30 minutes! That was cool! If I could get some for New Year's Eve, I would! In fact, maybe I will depending on how expensive it is.

I also had pie and then left after saying bye to everyone and giving Jordan a BIG hug! :-) So I had a pretty great day! Then I came home . . . :-( Jason started into his attitude about he wants an apology from Cassi for her yelling at him. Personally I think she should apologize for the screaming, but not apologize for cussing him out. He is allowed to being an ass all the time to everyone. It's not fair and not right. Other people have feelings too and Cassi won't let him get away with shit like that. But he started in on demanding an apology so I started to go back to my room and he said I didn't have to go, so I just put my stuff down and came back out. Guess what the fricken baby did? When I came out he went into his bedroom!! Okay, what? He had to make a stupid point or something? I don't know. I didn't get it, but it pissed me off. I think he apologized to me, bu to be honest I don't remember. Maybe it was because he is always apologizing and I just don't believe it's true anymore.

The day after Christmas was fun! I got to do some shopping with my Gift Card! I bought some more off-brand Splenda because I'm almost out. I also got the movie "Traitor" for $3. A movie "Savages" for $5 and "Ron White A Little Unprofessional." I can't wait to watch that one! Ron White is soooooo funny! I also finally bought myself a new wallet since my other one got stolen. It's pink fake alligator skin and it's perfect! I can't shove tons of receipts into it! My old one was mostly full of receipts! :-P 

When I got home, I parked on the street to shut Jason up about Ajay in my car in the parking lot of the apartments. He can't do ANYTHING about it now. It's my car and it's on the street! He can't do shit! Yay! 

On December 27th I took Ajay with Cassi to the Welfare office in El Cajon so he could turn in some food stamps paperwork and set another appointment. From there, we were hungry. I had a couple of dollars and Ajay had a dollar and a dime - just enough for two tacos for a $1 at Jack in the Box. We went inside, got our tacos, and talked. I kept track of the time and planned to get back in time to take Jason to the trolley. I did, but as he and I went to leave, Ajay was coming into the complex. Jason starts getting in his face saying he can't be here. That he is trespassing, and all this shit. I told him he was going to talk to his mom! OMG! What an ass! Then we're going to the car and Cassi yelled at him again and though I didn't see is face, but by his body language I could tell he was in a rage! I couldn't really get out of my car fast enough to do anything so I was holding my phone waiting for my daughter to scream! It turns out that she blocked his way at the gate with the gate for a minute that might have had just enough time for him to realize what he was doing or something. But eventually he just went to the apartment to lock the door. Which was stupid because he had to know that I would just open the door as soon as I got back - a whole 10-15 minutes maybe.

When he got back in the car, he spend the rest of the time trying to convince me he wasn't going to hit her. That he would never hit a kid.Had I ever seen him hit a kid? But I knew he had been ready to hit her. Body language doesn't lie and he spent THAT much time trying to convince me he wasn't going to and never would hit her? Yeah. Okay. I vented to Susan when I had a chance and after that, I have been on edge waiting for him to do something I can call the cops on him for. Isn't that sad? He was one of my best friends. I had left him blow up on me so many times, reducing me to tears, but I would eventually brush it off and never really think about it again. But that's how I dealt with abuse and I NEVER put it together until recently. I love him, but I am so angry inside when it comes to him. I just am and I don't think it's going to go away until we are no longer near each other like this.

Yesterday was okay. He and I stayed away from each other most of the day. He did push me to bake something and I really didn't want to, but I made cookies. They did turn out pretty good and he heated up dinner for us. 

Today he seemed okay, but God knows who he'll be when he gets back. Ugh! I just need to get something to eat and keep my mind busy!

Back On the Horse

FINALLY I can write and FINALLY I feel better! For a couple of weeks there, I wasn't feeling like myself. In fact, my depression got a hold of me. That's never fun. The meds help most times, but other times the feelings over-rule the meds. Medication is never 100% and who would really want that? I don't want to be a robot, but I sure could do without the bouts of depression! In fact, a little happy happy would be welcomed for a few days! :-) Of course, going up and down is not exactly what we want, but still . . . some energy and feeling great is a wonderful!

My sister came back to town and I thought she might stay through the Holidays, but as a fantastic surprise me, she LEFT!!! Thank God! I mean, wow! I think that's why my mom didn't want the kids and I there. She didn't want to take any chances with a fight. But the thing is, I'm not the one that starts crap! Tim is coming though and he, alone, causes arguments. For 4th of July when I went to pick up Jordan from my mom's (his Grandma) and apparently before I got there Tim got into an argument with Nancy - who stays with Grandma now to watch out for her and help her around the house.There is always the chance he could start something with her. He usually don't start crap with me because I don't like debates. I won't engage in them. Of course, now that I have said this, he's going to start crap with me this time! But now that Diana is gone the kids and I are invited to Thanksgiving dinner after all!

This week has been pretty good except for a couple of days where I was just so down. One day, in fact, I literally slept on and off all day! Then I had no energy. I couldn't get myself motivated to do much of anything. When I talked to my therapist I unloaded a bunch of stuff that was hanging out inside me. In fact, I was bottling it up and that doesn't usually happen to me. But I felt like I couldn't say anything to anyone. It sucked! But once I unloaded it, I started feeling much better. I need to do a better job of not holding crap in. It was just so personal that I couldn't write it on here in case the friends involved read this. It would effect them negatively and that's something I won't do. There are some things that ARE better left unsaid. But it didn't benefit me any! LOL! But it was better to save the feelings of such good friends. 

One of the best things from Cassi's school was getting help through the Parent Advocate. Her name is Marissa and she is AWESOME! She has been helping me move forward in my life. She is trying to help me find other housing. I'm almost ready to move out on my own though it scares me to death! But I can't stay with Jason and Susan forever. Cassi and I need a place we can call our own. And if Jordan could get a job he could move in with us and it would help out all the way around! :-) I am so worried about bills though. Not sure how I would afford them. But somehow I have to make it work relatively soon. My goal is to move out sometime next year. I am crossing my fingers! LOL! Pray for me!! Please!!! :-P

I also have Christmas gift ideas for everyone this year! I am hoping I have enough money for it all. It's not tons of stuff and it's not completely expensive, but I like being able to give family and friends gifts! It means a lot of me because for so long I couldn't do it. If I have planned it right I should be able to get gifts for everyone this year! :-) I so hope so! Next year might be too tight so I want this year to show how much I love and appreciate everyone. I want to post what I'm going to try to get, but again, should any one come across it . . . Well anyway, I want to make Christmas special for as many of my friends as possible. Though it's going to be limited to local friends. That's the unfortunate part because I couldn't afford shipping on top of gifts. :-( But I do have Christmas Cards already and I've been making notes for my Christmas newsletter. My memory is so bad sometimes that I actually had to go through my camera and look at the pix so that I could remember the things that went on. Bad, right? LOL! But I as able to pull a lot of stuff out that I can share. But I want to get through Thanksgiving before I actually start writing the newsletter so I can include as much as I can into this one. It should be great! Of course, it's only for friends. Family . . . not so much!

What else can I say? Tonight is Jordan's birthday dinner. Jason and Susan do this for Jordan every year. This time his girlfriend is coming and I know he's going to LOVE that! Susan is also making his request and favorite - Parmesan Chicken. Yum!!! Her's is delicious! So needless to say I am looking forward to dinner tonight. Jordan already got his present - Ice Cream (Great Value version of Extreme Moose Tracks). He loved each and every bite! Yep! He ate the whole thing! When Susan and I took his ice cream to him I just didn't want to let go of him when I hugged him. I actually felt like crying as we left.  was so emotional that day. Not that I don't love him with all my heart, but I usually don't cry when I leave. It's not like he's moving away or anything. We live in the same county and only about 7 miles apart. I just wanted to hold him like he was little all over again. Time flies . . . I can't believe he's 22 years old now and that Cassi is 16  years old! They are so growing up on me!

Well, I think I am going to close this up. There are things I still need to do around here before it gets too much later. Hopefully I'll be able to write another Note from my Insane Mind tomorrow and yack all about Jordan's Birthday dinner! 

Until next time . . .

Most of June . . .

So much has actually be going on lately that I should have been keeping up with this blog a lot more than I have. On the 12th Cassie was promoted to 9th grade. She's now officially a High Schooler! One of the things I splurged on for myself this month was a iPod Nano!! It's so cool because I haven't had anything like it. No MP3 player or any kind of iPod before now! But my moods have been up and down a lot. I have had my fill of Jason's drama again, though the last several days are okay. But his emotional throw-ups are driving me crazy. Then he got mad at Susan and told her that we were sleeping together! UGH! I wanted to kick his ass! Then Cassie is sure Jason and Susan hate her now - though she's spent the last several days over there.  But they took her photos off the fridge. If that's the case they don't need one of the new pix. And I'm depressed. My father's birthday was this month. It makes me depressed this time of year. And my niece Coley's birthday is July 9th. I wish this depression would ease up. I am so tired all the time too AND I've had restless legs almost ever night so my sleep has been all off. I want to sleep now, but I know I couldn't. I'd just lay there tossing and turning and the restless legs are probably going to come back again. This morning I was still awake and had to have Jordan pound on my legs before I got a little sleep FINALLY!

One of the things that scared me the most this month was that Karissa has a furball that wouldn't come out. She stopped eating. She was throwing up all over. She was getting thin and she was so listless. I really thought I was going to lose her. I was afraid to be away from her and I tried everything I could to help her - I couldn't take her to the vet because by the time this happened most of my money was gone. But then she finally started getting better, thank god! I really don't know how I'm going to handle it when she goes. But at least she's okay now. In fact, she's been spending a lot of time outside again. She's even caught a couple of birds so that limp she has isn't slowing her down any! LOL! I'm just so happy she's okay.

Anyway, I guess that's about it for now. I'm going to try to keep up with this a little better. I'm sure more stuff is going to happen. It always does!

Day 59 - Still Depressed But Starting To Get Back On Track

I am still very depressed about losing Linda. She was always so supportive. I would have liked her to be around for my surgery and to help me celebrate my successes. But oh well. There's nothing that can be done about it. I just have to realize that she'll be there in spirit. I did cry a little bit last night and talked with her. Though I doubt she's listening to me. She needs to be with Roger and John. But I miss her too.

Anyway, I slept until 12:30pm. I was worried I had missed the gardener because my mom had a doctor's appointment. I didn't which was nice. In fact, I was able to pick up Jason from the trolley so that he could come over and hang out for a bit. They let him go early from work so he said. I have this feeling he just took the time off, but I could be wrong. It's just this sense I have. But you know, it's not my problem. He's the one that missed out on the money.

When my mom got back and the gardener was there doing a good job, she decided that she wanted to go out for something to eat. We went to Denny's which was awesome. I got a build your own slam again. This time I got two eggs scrambled with onions, the chicken sausage patty, wheat pancakes and oatmeal. OMG! I was expecting a little bowl of oatmeal. Turned out the bowl was HUGE!! Needless to say, I didn't eat everything. I left half the oatmeal at least and I didn't finish the pancakes. So I took them home. I'm starting to get a little hungry again so I might be finishing those pancakes. Anyway, it was good.

When I got back I got on the computer for a bit. I got ready to go to the gym tonight. Then Cassie came home. Jason and Cassie were butting heads again and he sent her home, though I think she wanted to come home. I got a text from Jason saying he was going to send her home permanently. I ignored it and went to the gym with Susan and to water aerobics. The class was good, though I still went to the spa. I can't help it. I need to warm up. Then I took a shower and put lotion on. Susan helped me with my back and the back of my thighs. So far I'm not so itchy now. Maybe that's what I need to do.

But I'm going back tomorrow morning. I need to get back into the swing of things with the water aerobics. I need to lose weight. Only 17 more pounds to go before surgery. 

I also had to pick up my medication so Jordan and I went out. I also had to go to the store to pick up some brown sugar. I also grabbed tortillas for Jordan and caramel mousse tempations for me along with a life water for a dollar. I didn't get much, but I got my balance and I think Susan took more of my food money they she should have and isn't going to tell me about it. I'm not going to say anything, but next time I'm going to keep track of my balance so I know how much she uses. I mean I'm down to just over $100. That's just not right. THEN as if that wasn't bad enough Jason was upset about Cassie threatening to take everything away from her over her not apologiing to him. I understand, but he upset her big time and when she's upset there is no reasoning with her. But all she had to do was say "I'm sorry" without attitude!! Ugh!! What a pain in the ass. I was having a panic attack over it. Susan was crying. These guys don't understand what this crap does to us! UGH!!!

Anyway, I guess Jason finally settled down, but Cassie never did apologize to him. That sucked. I don't know what's going to happen now. All I know is I gave Cassie some ativan. I probably shouldn't do that, but she was so upset. She relaxed considerably and I'm hoping she got to sleep. Morning is going to suck. I have to get her up and get ready for school. She has to go tomorrow. It's been three days so that's enough. Time to go back to school. 

Okay, that's it for now. I need to get to sleep myself. I watched "Ghost Hunters" for the most part. Then I watched the new "Face/Off" which was really good. They had deadly animals and plants and had to incorporate them into something. Becky is a bitch though. I can't stand her. If she wins "Face/Off" I think I'll throw up. Now that's enough. Time for me to get to sleep - after the pancakes. I am exhausted and tomorrow is another day.

Day 58 - Just Haven't Wanted To Write

I'm tired and just depressed. In fact, I might keep this really short. Yesterday Linda, my kids' paternal grandma and someone I considered a good friend, died yesterday. We knew from the day before that. She had been on life support and it didn't look good. The kids have been particularly devistated. Jordan internalized it. Cassie was crying and depressed. I haven't cried yet, but it will come when I least expect it. I'm going to miss her. And now I worry about Grandpa Roger. He's not in the greatest of health either. And I know life is going to be hard without Linda.

Anyway, I let Cassie stay home these last two days from school. I've let her play with the computer for most of the day as something to distract her. I even let her go to her friend Jayelyn's today.

As for me, I'm depressed. I'm missing a good friend now. She was so happy about my progress with my weight loss and about my writing. At least the last thing she heard me ever say to her was that I loved her. It makes me a little happy. Not a lot, mind you. But at least it was about love. That there was no negativity between us. At least I hope not! I'm just not wanting to do much of anything. I just want to sleep all day. But tomorrow I have to get my ass back to the gym. I have to, though I don't want to.

Ah well. That's enough for now. I'm too tired to write more. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. At least I hope so.

Day 50 - From Darkness to Light!

For the last two weeks I have been fighting some wicked depression. It has sucked. All I've wanted to do is sleep. My eating hasn't been great. I didn't go to the gym for like a week and though the rashes got a little better, they were still itchy. It just sucked being depressed. I just didn't want to do anything. Plus I was so tired all the time. 

Then Friday, Susan and I went to the gym to see if Dave was there and could possibly show us some of the machines. He was and he spent about an hour or so showing us machines that worked our chest, biceps, shoulders and legs. I'll tell you, I felt it!! LOL! I felt it for like three days! But it was a good thing and good for me, ever though I was still feeling the depression.

But last night, I finally started feeling a little better. I played on Cafemom. I watched TV. I just felt better. Then today when I woke up, I felt really good - though I still slept late. Of course, Susan didn't tell me Cassie was home from school because she was sick. That was frustrating, but I wasn't upset or anything. I just called the school. Left a message for attendence. Then I also left a message for the woman handling Saturday school. I need to get Cassie signed up. I felt a message for her to call me to let me know if she made it onto the list for this Satuday or not. 

But here is the BEST news I got today! They called me from Jorgensen Law and apparently the judge is going to approve my SSI!!! I am so excited!!! That also means I'm going to get a retro check and hopefully I'll have a little more money in my pocket! It's awesome! I couldn't reach Jason so instead I called Cassie first. She was thrilled and she was happy to be told first. Of course, she wants money for clothes from Hot Topic. LOL! But I want to get a new laptop for myself and for Cassie. Jordan wants a desk top. We'll see what happens because I still have to fix my car which will be $1200. But at least it would be fixed and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. You know, maybe I'll get myself an iPod too! I've always wanted one! Then I also maybe want to spend a hundred or two on DVDs. I might be spending too much in my head already. LOL! But it's going to be nice to have some money! Jordan was the second one to know. Then Nicole and finally Jason and Susan. I haven't told my mom yet. I just don't know if I want to tell her for awhile. She'll start in on "Get your own place." And I won't be getting THAT much money. I'm still on the list for housing. We'll see what happens. 

Anyway, tonight Susan and I had an appointment with Dave again to show us more machines. We tried out stuff for the Abs, triceps and back. I was surprised that we were at it for about an hour. I didn't even think it felt that long. But we ended up having to go because the Water Aerobics class was starting so we went from one workout to another. And the water aerobics class was fun for the most part. We made whirlpools and tried to fight the current. It did get a little monotonous after awhile, but for the most part it was fun and it took a majority of the time. The bummer thing is that the spa was out of order so I took a hot shower. I managed not to get too cold. I even changed into my PJs rather than the clothes I worked out in. It meant another bag I had to carry into the gym with me, but its worth it to do that at night. Tomorrow morning it's going to be going back into a cold pool for another water aerobics class. Then Wednesday Susan and I will probably work out on some machines. I think I'm FINALLY back on track! Even my eating today has been good! That makes me feel better too.

Well, guess that's about it. I watched "Being Human" tonight and the episode was good, but things are really going down a darker path. I also watched "Pawn Stars" and then "American Restoration." I hadn't watched that for awhile. I forgot how much I liked it. I also played on Cafemom and was on Facebook for a moment. But the best thing by far is just feeling better! That was and is the best thing. 

  

Day 38 - I feel the Depression Coming Back

I've been so good for so long that this is a set back for me. Plus, I'm tired. Of course, I started my period, but even that's strange. I'm just staining. The last few days I have just been too tired to even write here. I am trying my best to stay on track, but this has made me kind of see things negatively. Like I don't know if I'm really losing weight because I haven't been weighed. But then I'm afraid to get weighed to find out I haven't been losing which is crazy. I have to be losing weight. Of course, I'm not going to the gym for a few days because of my period. Plus, part of me just doesn't want to go. Maybe the rashes are just getting to me too. I want to lose the weight and I'm doing what I can, but I just feel like it's all for naught. It's probably just the depression talking. And it didn't help that Jason flipped out about Romeo going after Rena and scaring her. I tried to reason with him, but that was a no go. He tells Cassie she needs to decide who she wants to keep. I didn't think it was necessary. Cassie got upset and did a lot of crying. She said she only feels safe when she's with me. Not the house, of course, but with me. I don't yell at her. I don't constantly judge her. I don't flip out constantly. I think she's to the point (at least today) of wanting to come back home. Then Jason was mad at me because Cassie read what he was texting me over my shoulder. I mean, come on, he said he was going to tell her himself and then he gets made at me. What a wimp. He just wanted to vent to me and then not deal with Cassie. I half expected him to tell me to tell her anyway, but then again, it could be my hormones whacking out and making me read things that aren't there.

I went to therapy and I talked about the depression that was setting in and about the whole fiasco with Jason. I think what ticked me off the most is the fact that I know a lot about animals. It's instinctive. I grew up with animals. Anyway, I had tossed out a couple ideas to help them out and he just shot them down. So did Susan and it's sad because it would have worked. I don't think this is over yet. There might be more issues with Rena and Romeo, but I guess all we can do is see what happens. 

When Cassie and I got home from therapy we had to grab frozen dinners because my mom thought we were going over to Jason and Susan's for dinner. She didn't realize I'd gone to therapy. No big deal. I had Cassie grab us frozen Lean Cusine's. Cassie got a Baja Quesadilla which ended up not very good. I had a Thai inspired chicken which was awesome! Unfortunately I have heartburn now, but it was worth it. I'll just have to make sure I take the medication BEFORE I have that. 

I have barely gotten online at all. I just haven't wanted to and I've just been so tired all the time. But I did check into Cafemom and on the group "Just Siggies" I got my first siggy!! It's awesome! It has tigers and a very sexy brunette. Works for me! And I'm excited about it so that was nice. I made sure I thanked her. Then I just posted in two of my groups that I was sorry for my absense that I would be back either tomorrow or Friday.

It was also nice to have Cassie with me, but I wish she hadn't been so upset. I got her to bed and I stayed out with her until she fell asleep. It's so freakin cold!! And colder out there. I also watched or half-watched "Ghost Hunters" and then the new "Face/Off." It was good, but as soon as I'm done here, I'm going to set my alarm and go to sleep under the covers.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Day 20 - Happy New Year!!

Today wasn't a great day. It ended pretty good, but it didn't start that way. I just got depressed the night before. Maybe partly because I gave Cassie my computer so she could work on her homework and I couldn't do my usually playing online. But I also was itchy all night and scratching all night. I think that more than anything has depressed me. Basically, I need to do the water aerobics to help tone my muscles and lose weight. But the water in the pool breaks me out in a rash that doesn't go away. So there's nothing I can do about it because I have to do the swimming. I have to go into the pool and it'll continue after surgery as well. So I got into this funk about how are things really going to work out? Will I always have to be covered with rashes? Will that really be worth it? Anyway, I woke up depressed and went back to sleep until 1:00pm or so. Maybe later. I know I wanted to sleep later. I wasn't even hungry for a long time.

Eventually, I did get up and have a protein shake. I didn't grab my vitamins though. Guess I sort of slacked today all around. Then I actually broke down in front of my mom crying about the stupid rashes and I just don't cry. I hate crying, but I have been so upset.

Anyway, Jason wanted me to pick him up at Amaya and my mom wanted me to go to the store so I could get milk and two steaks. I also had medication to pick up from the pharmacy. So I picked up Jason. He went into the pharmacy for me and I went into Vons. I got the milk and then I found an AWESOME set of steaks that normally would have been $35 down to $14. Talk about a great deal!! And the two steaks were thick and just great! My mom was pretty surprised that I got such great steaks for such a good deal!

After that Jason and I let the car cool down a little then put water in the car and headed to his place. Cassie already had most of her friends already there. It was wild. I was glad to get there and I got my computer. I also got hugs from Katie Belle and Paige. It's always nice to see them! I spent a lot of time on the laptop going over Cafemom and Facebook. I did a survey on Bzoink that got posted to Facebook.

Susan made Chili Mac for everyone else and Teriyaki Tofu Stirfry for us. It was pretty good, but the veggies were just too hard for me to eat. I did, but it wasn't easy. Taste-wise, it was pretty awesome! I wouldn't mind having it again.

The girls all were having fun together, except this one girl. She was a bit over-sensitive anyway and that's never a good thing in a group of girls. No one was ever going to actually say anything to this girl, but she was really obsessive about "Transformers." And I don't get exactly what happened, but Katie Kelly told her two of the girls (Katie Belle and Lakaira) were going to tell her that they didn't like the movie or something stupid like that. She then got so upset she called her mom to come pick her up! It was nuts. I felt bad, but you know, I think it was best she went home. Then Susan and I watched most of the newest "Karate Kid" With Jayden Smith and Jackie Chan. It was pretty good! Then the original one came on and so we started watching that with Paige until it was time to let the girl go nuts outside. Even Jason woke up to watch the ball drop. It was funny because Susan and I were calling down seconds from 40 then 30 then 20 and the girls did the rest aloud on their own. They were a couple seconds fast, but that was okay. They yelled out and made a lot of racket we all had sparkling cider. It was really cool. And Paige was my picture taker. She did pretty good too!

Anyway, I left about 20-30 minutes after midnight. Traffic was lite and there weren't any cops around at least not on  my route. They're probably more toward Downtown. Well, I might be sleeping late today too, though I kind of want to watch the Rose Parade. I guess we'll see how I feel when I wake up first.

It's been a pretty good New Year's Eve. I might go find myself a little snack and then go to sleep. Of course, after I finish watching "America's Cutest Pets."

Day 2

Day two has been unproductive really. I was going to go to the gym, but I just wasn't feeling it and I went back to sleep. When I woke up, I drank a smoothy my mom made only to find out that she hadn't put protein powder in it so I had a protein shake. Then I went back to my room.

Cassie called me from school wanting me to pick her up. I didn't pick her up because I felt she needed to stay. Susan thought the same thing, so I ended up talking to one of the ladies in the office about getting Cassie a place to be alone for a little bit or something and they said no problem. They said they were going to try to get the counselor to talk with her. I just felt so bad because she was grieving Katie Kelly and Lauren's dad's death. It just breaks my heart.

Anyway, I was on the computer for a little bit, but I was so tired, I just kind of laid down with the "Dirty Jobs" marathon on. I didn't get up until my mom called out dinner. I had a piece of crusted tilapia, fried zucchini, only I think she baked it. It was still good so . . . Then she also made broccoli. I had a good helping of the broccoli and three strips of zucchini. After dinner, I continued to watch "Dirty Jobs." An hour or so later Jordan gave me my laptop and so I started playing on Cafemom. I replied to what I could. Added some stuff to my groups. Then Cassie came home. Wasn't sure she was coming home tonight. Then she wanted me to stay out in the other room with her so I microwaved some popcorn and turned on "Dirty Jobs." The new episode was coming on. I LOVE this show and was glad to have a new season start. While I watched the show Cassie read her book. :-) She spent the whole time reading and she was still reading when I left her. I also had a caramel mousse tempation.

I went back to my room and turned on "Chopped" but Jordan came in and Nicole called so I pretty much missed it. LOL! No big deal. I did eat two oranges so that's it for the night. I think I did okay on my eating. I don't think I went over. But I have to admit I've been a little depressed today. I'm not sure if it's just Cassie's grief which I feel acutely. I don't think it's the change in my eating. Could be an early start to PMS, but I don't think so either. I don't know. All I can do is hope that I feel less depressed tomorrow, though I don't know about that. 

Now all I need to do is take my meds and try to go back to sleep. 

 

The Food Network, Cafemom and Fan Fiction

I've felt kind of off today. More worst tonight than during the day. I woke up around noon and was online almost all day. I played on Cafemom a lot. I felt like I was just wound up and I needed to keep doing stuff. I joined a couple more groups. Not sure I'm going to participate in one of them, but I joined more or less to read ideas.

Anyway, I half watched something about evolution. I'd seen it before and disagreed with only one thing they said. That homo-sapien destroyed Neadrathal. Last I knew it was proved that some of our DNA comes from them, so the way they disappeared, was becoming part of us. Well, who really knows, right? It's probably a bit of both. After that, I just put it on the Food Network. Watched "Chopped" and an old "The Next Iron Chef - Super Chefs." Now they're showing the live thanksgiving show with a bunch of the chefs. Later I'm going to watch "Food Network Challenge," followed by a new "Next Iron Chef - Super Chefs" and then MAYBE "Iron Chef America." This is definitely my Food Network night.

I've still been playing with Cafemom, though I'm taking a break at the moment. In fact, one of the things I started was a Fan Fiction. The star is Eyal Lavin from "Covert Affairs." I love the character. So far I'm on page three and I'm calling it "Savior." At least for now. I have to decide what else I want to write now that I have the opening done. I'm sure it'll come to me as I go. But I can only work so long on it. I might work a little more, but not sure.

I can say I'm kind of tired, though I feel kind of down. My mother has been a bit of a bitch since last night. It's not like I don't understand her frustration with me or with the kids, but it's not easy being me either. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. But I think that's probably what's contributing to me feeling off. Just added family stress.

Well, I guess that's it really. I have stuff I need to do tomorrow. I need to pay my car insurance. I need to mail off my gastric bypass packet. I have a Gyn appointment which I really don't want to do, but will. Then my mom wants to go get lemons. I have to get that in there or she's really going to have a fit.

Anyway, I'm hoping I don't feel as off or down tomorrow. Part of this has to be PMS. Maybe I'll start my monthly tonight or tomorrow morning. I'd have to cancel my appointment! :-P Guess we'll see what happens!

Bumps on the Road

I think the depression is still with me. I don't feel as bad as I did, but I didn't want to wake up today and have been tired all day too. But the great thing about today was that Cassie and Katie Kelly came over!! :-) It worked out that Katie came with her because I really didn't feel like carving a pumpkin and usually I LOVE to do it. Another sign that my depression is still hanging around. But it was good to just be with Cassie too.

Cassie and Katie got the papers spread out over this tarp my mom gave them and then they set out carving. Cassie cut the top of her pumpkin first and remembered the chimney. She told me I'd trained her to do that. :-) Then Katie Kelly cut hers. Cassie spent a lot of time cleaning out her pumpkin and we talked about growing pumpkins. She also decided to do the cat sitting on a branch and started to poke out the design. Katie Kelly took longer to get her pumpkin cleaned out, but that was cool. She decided to do the dragon. I took pictures! :-D It worked out very well!

Then the girls wanted to go to the park so I said okay. They left. My mom took a nap. When she woke up she wanted to go to the 99 cent store, but Cassie and her friend weren't back from the park yet. She starts yelling at me about why did I let them go when I knew she wanted to go to the store! UGH!!! I was really short with her and told her they left BEFORE she said anything. But I called Cassie and had them come back.

That ended up being a bit of a fiasco because it caused an argument between my mom and I. Cassie wanted the computer, but Jordan was using it stay awake. She started bitching about him. My mom agrees with her and starts bitching about him and took over the bitching. Jordan hears and gets upset. It gets me upset and my mom and I end up yelling at each other. But I did take her to the store. She bitched and moaned about getting me some batteries and a chocolate rice putting which was a total of $4 plus tax on the batteries. But I stopped arguing with her.

By the time we got home, Cassie and Katie Kelly were gone. I texted her and told her I loved her and that I was glad she'd come over. I then went out to the front yard and watered. My mom started dinner for us - frozen dinners, salad, potato hash. But before they were done I went to my room and watched "Finding Bigfoot: Further Evidence" Basically they took the episodes and added some comments here and there. It's cool. It's like "River Monsters: Unhooked." I also spent a little time working on my James Bond fan fiction. I am so tired though, I didn't push the writing like I did yesterday.

Dinner was good. Then I had that chocolate rice pudding. It was good. I liked it. But I think I prefer regular rice pudding.

Anyway, I went back to my room but then I left to go see Crazy Uncle Steve's house. I put the batteries in the boom box, but I'm not liking my boom box. It wouldn't stay on the channel unless I keep my finger on it. It shouldn't be like that. But I got to watch the two songs he has synched up to the lights. It was so cool! He puts so much work into the lights and it's great to be able to enjoy it. I'm going to go over there several times during Christmas.

When I got back I went back to watching "Finding Bigfoot: Further Evidence," but I turned it when I saw the time because I wanted to watch "The Next Iron Chef: Super Chefs." I have been waiting two weeks for this at least. So needless to say that show took presidence over any other show. But now I'm watching the last half of "IRT - Deadliest Roads." Then I'm going to hope that the bigfoot special that was on at the same time as "The Next Iron Chef" is re-airing. I'll find out in about ten minutes!

Guess that's about it for my day. I am exhausted so I don't know if I'm actually going to watch the bigfoot show or not if it's on. I might just take my meds and go to sleep. But we'll see. It depends on how I feel.

I can't believe that Halloween is tomorrow! It's exciting! Cassie is going to the dance at school tomorrow with her boyfriend Ben. She's going to look so cute as a fox. I've seen her in the costume and she is cute in it. But what's cool too, is that Cassie might trick-or-treat around here!! I don't know why it's so exciting for me, but it is. :-D I hope tomorrow is a great day. I don't want anymore days where I feel exhausted like this.

Rocky

Today was a rocky day emotionally. Yesterday seemed like a good day at first. I met Mark. We got together sexually and I had a good time. He said he'd had a good time, but he hasn't contacted me since. I was so tired yesterday that I just wanted to sleep, but my mom was so upset about Jordan's room where he had thrown a bunch of crap everywhere - including food packages and stuff - and Cassie's bed being unmade and things tossed everywhere. Even though Jason and Susan wanted to pick Cassie up - and they did - they had to drop her off so she could take care of her mess. Jordan came home from TRACE about the same time so I got on his case. But Cassie brought home her friend Karriane. But it turned out that her mother wasn't too happy about it and so I had to taken her home. Then Jason and Susan wanted me to take her back there. I figured I should. They went out of their way to pick her up when it didn't make much sense. Of course, if Cassie wouldn't have left everything a mess to begin with it wouldn't have been a problem.

Anyway, I was kind of upset that Mark hadn't contacted me back and I was so over tired that I just went to sleep. I even missed the primiere of "Chuck" and the new "Sanctuary." I just wanted to sleep. Then Jordan woke me up at 4:00am and wanted me to take him to Jack in the Box. I told him to let me sleep another hour. He did and so I took him. I got myself onion rings and an egg roll. Then swung by McDonald's to get a Dr. Pepper. After I ate I went back to sleep. 

I slept until 10:30am or so. My mom woke me up for breakfast. She'd made pancakes, bacon and eggs. Yum!! It was good. Then she wanted to go to mail some letters, go to the bank and then to Walmart. So that's what we did. I had to get milk and cereal anyway. I didn't have enough to get cereal or the kind I get so she gave me some money to cover it and getting myself a drink from McDonald's. I just didn't feel well. I don't know if I'd say I felt used though I think I was, but I didn't feel well. It didn't help that I accidently missed my meds last night AND this morning. Anyway, I really felt down when I took her to Walmart. I got what I was supposed to and then headed to McDonald's to wait. I got my drink and sat down. Eventually I started working on a scene for my recent James Bond fan fiction. It was hard for me to concentrate. In fact, it's been like that all day. But anyway, my mom came up and wanted me to get her some fries and a burger. I did that then she let me get a "Woman's World." When we got back home I had Jordan bring the stuff in and I called Mark. Still nothing. I was really more upset than I would let on, but then I responded to Rick's email and he called. It was good to talk to him. He loves to have sex and even though we've only been together twice we want to get together again. Knowing that he was still into me and just that it seemed like he cared put me in a better mood. :-) So I started feeling much better.

Anyway, I have been working on my fan fiction since I've gotten home, but it's been slow going. I think what I'm writing is okay, but not great. Still, I'm making progress, though I'm about ready to try to go to sleep. I've been watching all kinds of Halloween kind of shows on History today. I watched something on Vampires, on Vlad the Impaler, the real deal on Halloween and a possible zombie apocolypse. :-) It's been a good Saturday for TV and that's a rarity!

I guess there's not much else to say. Things could be better, but I'm doing okay. Better than I was doing earlier!

Trying to Convince Myself Things Are Okay

Well, the sudden depression is crippling. I hate it. It's taken away my ability to concentrate. I wanted to do some writing, but I just don't know if I have the energy or the thought processes to do it. I am just so hurt. Cassie just doesn't want to be with me. Regardless how she puts it, that's the case. I could live on my own and it would be the same. She wouldn't want to be with me. It's just how it is and I'm just going to have to deal with it. But knowing that she doesn't even want to spend the little bit of time with me that I had set aside hurts really, really bad. What did I do wrong? Did I give her too much freedom? Did I not love her enough? Maybe it's just that I can't buy her off. Jason and Susan can get her everything she wants just about and I can't. I cried for a hour or so last night. Tonight I guess I'm still crying. At least while I write this. My eyes are tearing up and I can't really seem to stop it. It might have hurt less had she shoved a knife into my heart. I just don't know if I can cope with this this time around. I'm not sure I can see her and then just watch her leave without crying. Maybe I just shouldn't see any of them for awhile. Not sure I can do that either. But I don't see any way I'm going to stop hurting. I'm just nothing in the world to her and I don't think I can get over that. I'm her mother. I should matter. I know she's a teenager, but I thought we were always close. I thought she'd want to be near me a little bit, but nope. Not at all. Okay, maybe I need to stop writing about this. I just keep crying more and I don't want anyone to see me crying. I don't want any one asking me questions, especially my mom.

Wow, I dried my eyes just in time. My mom walked in wanting paper. I told her Cassie wasn't coming home tonight. You know, she started this last night when she told her to ask me. It's HER that wants Cassie her. It's up to HER. If she had just said yes she needs to come back this wouldn't have even been an issue and if this blows up into crap for me, I might just take myself out of the picture - go into a hospital somewhere. I don't know. I just feel like so much crap is coming and I am not strong enough to deal with more shit. If my mom starts in on me I'll be the one in the fucking middle again and I just can't deal with that again. I can't.

Anyway, I might try to write a little bit anyway, but I'm not sure my mind will work the way it's supposed to. Then again, I guess the important thing is I've written. I just don't want to write crap. I also have to convince myself to do it. At least I got the tears cleared up for now.

Right now, I'm watching "Mythbusters" as it rains outside. There's a new "Mythbusters" tonight, but new "Ghost Hunters" too. Think I'll probably watch "Ghost Hunters." Wish I could take a handful of ativan and just go to sleep. But that's not going to happen. Things were going so well there for awhile. Now it's all back to being shit. Oh well. I won't force her to come back unless my mom threatens to kick me out again. I don't want her here if she doesn't want to be near me.

Okay, enough of the pity party for the time being. I'm either going to go to sleep, or try to write. Guess we'll see which one.



Life and Other Exhaustive Things

You know I really hate being exhausted all the time. It's getting old and it's giving me depression. On the other hand, I am still managing to do stuff. I woke up this morning - Cassie was already awake - grabbed coffee, took Cassie to school, came back, chilled out for a bit and then I went to the store. I knew I wanted to get something sweet and cakey like I always do - but shouldn't have! LOL! I ended up with water, Cottage cheese with strawberry and two boxes of dounuts. I also had to get stamps for my mom. Then after that, I went to get a money order so I could mail off my car insurance only to be told they couldn't do it until 10:00am. It was frustrating. But I just went out to the car, ate the cottage cheese with strawberry and wrote in my schedule book. One or two and time was done.

When I went back into Albertson's to get the money order, they had trouble getting the machine working. LOL! It's one of those days. I said the wrong amount of money the first time, but we got it right eventually. I was never so happy as when I got the money order filled out, in the envelope and mailed!! Going home, I tried to stay up for a bit, but I was getting so tired. By 11:00am I start crashing. Maybe I'll have to try more coffee around that time and see if that helps, because usually I lay down and try to take a nap. Today I actually did sleep for a bit. It was hard to wake up a bit, but I did and went to go get Cassie. Rather than work on the schedule I did some reading instead. I got a chapter or so farther into "Cowboys & Aliens."

When Cassie got out of school we went home and started working on her homework. I couldn't really help her with her math. I have forgotten how to do fractions. Then there was a history paper she needed to finish. She did that. Then there was another history paper that said right on it to do in class and she was adamant that he sent it home for homework! Guess she'll find out tomorrow. But she took what she couldn't do to Jason and Susan's and for the most part did the rest of her homework there. Susan came and picked her up early - 3:30pm, but that was fine with me. It gave me time to run off my manuscript - not the formatted one, but I just need the story for the synopsis. I haven't really worked on it. I wrote a couple of things down, but not sure I'm going to use any of it. Tomorrow I'll started working on it in the morning. I just get so tired in the evenings now, even though I still don't go to sleep early. It SUCKS! I toss and turn for hours!! Ugh!

Not only did I run off the book, I watched a few episodes of "Fact or Faked" and then I also headed out to therapy. I spent time talking about Cassie and the schedule and how she seems to be thriving despite not being as happy about circumstances as I am. I talked about being tired, depressed yet still getting things done. And I talked about my writing. I need to maybe look over a couple of things again for the synopsis, but tomorrow I really need to get to it. I really want to move forward with my writing. If I could just get one person to read it and like it I would be happy! I just want to see my writing in print that people can buy. I want to be able to say "I DID IT!" Of course, getting a little money would be nice too. 

Anyway, I came home, ate dinner and went to my room, getting on the computer, but I am so tired!! So instead I just kind of farted around with different websites and different searches. I do still think of Denise and I know it's kind of cruel, though part of me really would just want to share this, not to rub her nose in it, that I got published. I would post it somewhere real obvious or literally send it to her. She would take it bad though. But I still think about her and there are times I still miss her. But you know, things are the way they are. And I'm looking forward, not backward.

Okay, well, I'm going to take my meds, watch the rest of "Ghost Hunters" and then TRY to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be a fresh day!

Feeling Off

I have felt tired and off all day long. Well since I woke up. I'm going to do my best to go to sleep early because I just want to sleep. Last night it took me hours to fall asleep. Plus, I think I'm fighting off a head cold. Cassie has been fighting a cold and so is my mom and I have been using more nose spray than usual which usually means I'm fighting off a head cold. I'm not coughing though. I can't keep my nose clear though. It interferes with my ability to sleep.

Anyway, it's not like I've done much today. I really haven't. My goal really was to write a synopsis, but I just couldn't. Doing the research for one, I literally got a panic attack. Not sure what that's about, but I might give myself another day or two before working on it. Maybe I'll hand write a little of it. I can try anyway. Ugh! It seems like such a project, but I don't want to not have it in case I'm asked for one.

Maybe I just need a little bit of a break from working on the writing project. Just a day or two. Then I have to throw myself back into it. But I have to get this anxiety under control. Plus, the depression I know I'm fighting. I have been excited and stuff, but depression is right under it. And I'm really depressed tonight because I had to fight with Cassie about her coming home. I eventually had to call Susan to reinforce that she had to come home. They worry I am blaming them for how Cassie's acting and what's funny is I feel like they're blaming me. I guess there's enough to go all around. I hate it though. I feel like she would be happy to not have me in her life at all. I know that's probably the depression, but it seems true. She would be perfectly happy being over at Jason and Susan's and never see me again.

Anyway, I was able to watch MOST of the "Eureka" finale. It was a cliffhanger, of course. Ugh! It'll come back for a Christmas Episode, but then it won't be back until next summer! :-( Ah well. I have no other shows on tonight, but I think I might just wrap this up early, take my ativan - that Jordan picked up for me tonight. I kinda bribed him with a soda and an ice cream cone from McDonald's. Not like he wouldn't do it if I asked, but it's always nice to have a perk. But that $20 for my tank is down to $10 now.

Well, I feel like crying. Maybe I am PMSing a little still. Maybe I'll try Cassie's pamprin and see what happens even though I'm over my period, I think. Or not.

Time to take meds and veg. I think that's all I'm capable of right now.

Quite an Up and Down Day

Well, today was Labor Day. I actually had a hard time waking up but Cassie came over and got the money for a backpack. I slept a little longer but when I finally got up it was cool. We were invited over to Jason and Susan's for a steak and shrimp dinner for Susie's bday. Jordan took a shower. I should have, but didn't. Instead I took like an hour to create the new group on Cafemom. It's called The Writer's Workshop. It was really fun to make. I made the forums and have 9 of them. I have weekly word prompts and monthly story prompts. I have other forums for poetry, fan fiction, chapters for those writing books and a place to vent about writer's block or any frustration about writing. I have to say I'm rather proud of myself.

Anyway, before I could post my prompts and stuff Jordan and I left for Jason and Susan's. My mom gave me money to buy Susan a cake - we ended up with cupcakes, but these cupcakes from Vons ROCK! They are so good!! We also stopped at McDonald's and got sodas. And I remembered Susan's bday card and Cassie's school supplies. She was happy that I got her mechanical pencils. She got an awesome backpack. It's rainbow colored in a checker print. I felt so bad though because she started crying. It just broke my heart. She cried and cried in her room. Jason talked with her. Susan talked with her and she wanted to talk to me. I stayed with her for 20-30 minutes and let her cry it out. I let her cry until she was calm. She took a bath after that and ate a little dinner, but emotionally she was wrung through the wringer and so was I. I wanted to cry with her and take her pain away. If I could just make everything go back to the way they were . . . I don't know. I think she'll be okay. It's just going to take time. And she is definitely going to give my mother hell. I don't think that's going to help, but who knows. I'm picking her up from school tomorrow and then Susan is going to pick her up around 4pm. She'll take her to get her nails done and then she'll go over for dinner. Then come home around 8-8:30pm. This is so killing me though. Cassie talked about wanting to go to sleep and not wake up. That she wanted to die before coming back here. I have felt that way many times. Just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. I feel so helpless. I can't get her help because she won't take it. I mean, you have to be open for the help to make it work and she's just not willing. I wish she was. I just want to help her. I guess all I can do is try to make things go easier for her and just keep an eye on her so if she ends up needing real help I can get it for her.

Anyway, dinner was great. The steak was so tender and Susan made regular fried shrimp and she made coconut shrimp too! It was wonderful! Jason kind of passed out cupcakes and rushed us out the door. Not sure if it was because he wanted Susan to himself OR he just wanted us out. I suppose that's better than being an asshole about it like he was on my birthday. But I didn't like the feeling. However, I'm willing to deal with it. I just hope things get easier. He got mad several times, but he was quick to tell me he didn't blame me. But I still think part of him does. I don't think things are going to be the same for any of us.

On the way home I stopped at McDonald's again and got more soda for Jordan and I. That's about all I can afford. I think. Though I will want to get one on Wednesday on my way to therapy. I have to remember I have therapy and make sure I go. I don't know what happened last time. But I'll tell you, it's been a sucky month. I am way overdue for a session.

Jordan went to sleep when we got home. It was later than usual for him. I got online and invited a couple of people to the writing group and they joined!! I also put up the word prompts, the story prompts and a poem. I'll probably add more, of course. I'd like to have something in every category. I'll work on that tomorrow, I think.

Anyway, I watched the new "The Closer" and then "Rizzoli & Isles." In "The Closer" Brenda Lee's mess with the law suit her lawyer saves her from signing it away and being seriouosly sued. Then a young pop star's dad is found in the hills dead and Brenda's team figures out it was murder and not an accident. On "Rizzoli & Isles" Jane's brother from jail is out and is playing chess with Maura. Jane also is trying to duck out of a sensitivity class and Maura's birth father comes back. I actually like him though he runs a mob. He doesn't kill women and children or people that don't deserve it. In fact, at the end, it was cool. This dock worker who was a real stand-up guy, he made sure his family got money. So as he said, he's one of the good guys in his world. I'm still watching "The Glades." This guy tries to escape custody with his brother's help. In the process they screw up and get trapped in the hospital taking hostages. Callie ends up as one of the hostages so that she can help save a man's life. So far, the brothers used Callie as a decoy along with a couple other hostages that were forced to pretend to act like them. Now Jim is on a manhunt for them - which is what he wanted to begin with. So he's gone off to find the money the brothers are after and the brothers, I'm sure. This is a finale so who knows what's going to happen.

Well, I think after "The Glades" is over I'm going to take my meds and try to sleep. At least I hope so. Oh, and "The Glades" had an awesome ending! I am SOOOOO glad it wasn't a cliffhanger. I HATE cliffhangers! Jim and Callie so belong together! :-)

Needed Retail Therapy

I'm so emotional right now. I feel like it's bad PMS or something, but I don't think that's it. Maybe it's because I took too much ativan last night and the fact that Cassie's coming home soon. That I don't know when Jason's going to go off on me again. I honestly don't think it's an if. I think it's a when. And it kills me because we're family. Then I also know my mom is going to flip out every time she goes over there. And I'm stuck in the middle. I am depressed and all I want to do is cry. I'm also tired. I slept late, but my mom woke me up and I was still very tired - too much ativan. Maybe it's worse because I'm still tired. All I know is that this sucks. I feel like there is a shit storm coming and I'm going to be in the fucking middle of it. I'm afraid of it literally destroying me. Plus, I just think of how I am failure as a parent. The kinds of things that have been said to me over the years by family mostly, but recently with Jason. He always says he's sorry, but I just don't know whether to believe the apologies. I'm more in the camp that the more pissed off you are, the more likely you are to tell the truth. Not that I would say that aloud. But I think it's the truth for most of us. Anyway, I just feel crushed at the moment. And I want a new start with Cassie. I want to try to be a good mom and I'm not sure she'll give me a chance. I feel like I've lost her when I haven't. I know I haven't, but it's just how I'm feeling. And here comes the tears. I never wanted Cassie in this position. I had not planned on Taking Cassie back from them for her sake. I just feel like because I'm worried about a place to live and keeping my medical that I'm a bad person. That I don't care about Cassie. Jason has said that to me numerous times so far. I just don't think I can handle hearing it again. 

Anyway, my mom woke me up because she had some bills she had to send off to pay. So I forced myself to perk up. I got dressed, got my coffee and then her and I went to the Post Office. After that she wanted to do some shopping at Albertson's. I stayed in the car reading "The Sheik and the Christmas Bride." Then she wanted to go to the 99 Cent store. Again I stayed in the car to read.

By the time I came home, I knew I was over emotional. I could feel it. I went to my room and watched some "Iron Chef America" though I didn't see who won. When my mom said dinner was ready. She made hamburgers. They were good! After eating I kind of laid down for awhile. But the "Restaurant: Impossible" that was one was one I'd seen. So I thought about getting some printer paper. Plus I would get me out of the house. I wanted Jordan to come with me, but he wouldn't. Turned out to be a good thing. I went to Walmart and went to the stationary where they keep the printer/copier paper. I grabbed a good one and I could have just left, but I decided not to. I looked at the pens and got myself some new ones. I believe I needed new ones - especially in other colors - purple and blue. I have plenty of pink. LOL! Then I went upstairs to look at the movies. I figured I could get away with a $10 movie. But nothing really stuck out to me. Then I went to the $5 bin and I found "Police Academy" and I did like that movie. Then I decided to look at the CDs. There was one I would have liked, but I wanted a different song that wasn't on the disk. But that put me over by the books so I thought I'd see if there was "Cowboys & Aliens" and sure enough they had it so I bought it. The only other thing I got was Reese's sticks.

I really am happy with my purchases. I think I made wise choices, though I probably shouldn't have spent the money. But you know, I feel a hell of a lot better than I did before I left. Sometimes retail therapy can help.

Anyway, I'm chilling out, watching "Finding Bigfoot" and will probably take my meds and try to sleep. That and take some advil for a headache that started while I was in line at Walmart. Might kind of be from my congestion and the stress I feel.

Well, that's it for now.

Stories and Poetry

Today was a bit better. I have been having anxiety and I think I still am having depression, but I don't feel too terrible. I was able to write some poetry. All three were dark. I wrote more on my "Jason Bourne" story. I'm on page 6 and I have a ways to go. It's been good to write everyday and really enjoy it for the most part. I pushed too much today. I stopped at a place I should be able to pick up easily enough tomorrow. It's at one of the love making scenes. :-D

Anyway, I spent most of the day writing. Between the "Jason Bourne" story and the poetry it kept me busy. I also posted the poems on Cafemom on "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" "The Poetry Garden," AND "FANtastic Writers."

My mom was nice and got us McDonald's for dinner. I had two McChicken sandwiches and a soda. Oh and Jordan and I shared a large fries. I drank my soda pretty fast, but it was a HOT day today. It was so hot that my mom actually turned on the air conditioning. When my mom breaks down and put on the A/C then you KNOW it's hot.

I have also been watching TV. There was some great episodes on tonight. "Eureka" was awesome. The relationship auditor came back to listen to the appeal. He got zapped by some device that had Jack's memories in it and started acting out past events Jack had done. Zane, Fargo and his new girlfriend (can't remember her name) are going to Titan. Grace and Alison were able to wipe the auditor's short term memory, but as a happy side effect, he said that Jack and Alison were perfect together. I LOVED this episode!

"The Closer" was good too. It dealt with a cartel, the money man for the cartel, an attempt on the life of a DA and and of course, Brenda Lee's lawyer comes and interviews her team. No one has found the leak, but who knows. Next week's episode should be interesting.

"Rizzoli and Isles" was also great. The best thing about the episode is that we got to see the love of Maura's life. The murder mystery ended up involving heroin and a kidnapping. It all worked out.

Now I'm going to run to the store for a snack before taking my meds and go to sleep. Tomorrow should be a better day, I hope. What I do hate is my anxiety level though. It's still high and that sucks. There might be more poetry to come. We'll see.

Depressed and Tired

I'm tired. I'm very tired, but I doubt I'll sleep and as soon as I lay down my head will start in anyway about how I am a screw up. Reminding me of all the ways I have managed to fuck up. I didn't wake up today until 4:00pm and I just felt so rundown. Last night I cut up my forearm. I got one deep enough to bleed down my arm a bit. Strangely comforting. I wasn't thinking much about them tonight and Jordan and I went to the store, but he saw them as we were leaving. He got upset. I guess he worries about me. Told me I needed to talk to someone when I feel that way, but I just couldn't even verbalize it last night or even today. Jason tried reaching me most of the day. Grant you, I had been sleeping, but I ignored a couple of his calls because I just didn't know what to say because I am just so upset.

Eventually he called my mom who told me to call him. I waited a few minutes, but I finally called. I didn't say much. He just said he was over yesterday and that even Cassie wasn't mad. That things were going to be okay, but they're not. They're not ever going to be okay again. And I thought with her coming home maybe I could correct some of the things I had done wrong before, but I don't think she's even going to let me try. Even if she doesn't hate me, she will. Even though I'm trying to do what's right it won't ever be right and it will never be enough.

I want to go back to sleep. I do. I watched hours of "Cupcake Wars" which distracted me for awhile. My mom made dinner. I got salmon which was great. But the depression is taking me over. I feel like crap.

My mom went to bed early so I decided I was going to go get cakes. Or rather a cake. I got Jordan and we went to Vons.  I was right about the Boston Cream pies being $5 yesterday.  But I got one today anyway. Two dollars more. I've already eaten almost all of it all by myself. I guess I'm stuffing my feelings with food. I mean, whatelse do I do, right? I really do hate myself and my life. I can't honestly say, that I wouldn't kill myself if I had that Will written out. I need to make sure Cassie doesn't end up with her father. That's the only thing I care about. But the pain is so strong. Yesterday was one of the worst days. Today wasn't horrible, but the feelings haven't changed much.

I'm tired. I want to sleep. I don't know if I can, but I want to. I want to forget about everything for awhile. Though I was thinking about killing myself so much last night that I dreamed that I was going to die - that someone was going to put me to death. Not like I was a criminal. I didn't feel persecuted or anything in the dream. I was just ready to die, I guess. But I don't think I've ever dreamed about being put to death - It was going to be lethal injection or something that it wasn't even going to hurt. I'd just go to sleep and that would be it. Doesn't sound half bad.

Anyway, that's it. All the rambling I want to do. I kind of want to cut more and I kind of don't. I guess I'll decide once I lay down. I just hope to God I sleep.

Totally Screwed Up In the Head

Right now I feel like crap. I am definitely in a depression made worse by Jason and then talking to Cassie. I hate my life. I hate that I said yes to her going over there to begin with now that I need her to come home - my home. She doesn't consider here home. I suppose with my mom that's true. I didn't feel connected here either. Her only equation for love is to DO things like clean house. God, if you clean house you're the most wonderful, perfect person in the world. Me, I'm scum and so are my kids. I don't want to rip Cassie away from Jason and Susan, but I just don't have a choice. I am not going to get kicked out. I'd rather kill myself first.

I don't know. I just hate my life. I hate how I feel. I did take a shower today which was the first time in a week and a half, I think. I just have been depressed for awhile, I guess, with Diana here. But then Jason just had to start today about Cassie coming back to live with me and how she didn't want to and stuff. I literally told her that I loved her and hung up. There was nothing I could say to make it better. 

I just wish I could die. I mean, I don't want to, but I do want to. I mean, is my life really worth living? I suppose I have fucked up all the way around. As much as I didn't want it, my kids are as screwed up as I am. Under-acheivers because of me. I just wanted a better life for Cassie and now I'm forced to make her give it up and come back with me. She's promised to make my life hell which I don't think I can handle. She says she doesn't hate me, but I don't believe it. She hates Grandma, but she must hate me too. 

I want to go to the hospital, but I don't want to go. I have that addiction to nose spray. I don't as I want to go to a Crisis House, not that it's not warranted and not that it's not a good thing. I don't know if I'd be out before school started. Why should it matter, I guess. I was actually kind of looking forward to her coming back for awhile - a chance to correct some of the things I'd done wrong the first time around. But she's not open to it. I should have realized though she seemed okay with it before her concert. I guess it was okay when it didn't seem real. And if she wants to be pissed off let her be pissed off with her father. If he hadn't called trying to get my ass thrown in jail then she would still be able to stay with Jason and Susan. This isn't my fault. But I feel like it's my fault. 

I am so tired too. I slept like crap last night and this morning. I had a hard time breathing. My nose wanted to stay closed up. It was awful. I just can't be without my nose spray. That's sad, isn't it? I won't get help because of nose spray. I should just get the help. It's more important that mentally I'm stable, but I'm not going to unless I feel worse tomorrow. Then maybe I'll go to the ER. I've already cut up my left forearm a bit. I still want to cut more. I want to keep cutting . . . It's like a toothache. That's the best that I can explain it. 

I have Karissa I have to think about too. I know my mom and Jordan will take care of her. But I'll miss her if I have to go.

I'm tired. Think I'll take my meds and try to get some sleep. Or else I'll cut more. Or I'll try to chill out to "Haven." I think I'll take my meds and chill out and watch "Haven" and then go to sleep.