Rocky

Today was a rocky day emotionally. Yesterday seemed like a good day at first. I met Mark. We got together sexually and I had a good time. He said he'd had a good time, but he hasn't contacted me since. I was so tired yesterday that I just wanted to sleep, but my mom was so upset about Jordan's room where he had thrown a bunch of crap everywhere - including food packages and stuff - and Cassie's bed being unmade and things tossed everywhere. Even though Jason and Susan wanted to pick Cassie up - and they did - they had to drop her off so she could take care of her mess. Jordan came home from TRACE about the same time so I got on his case. But Cassie brought home her friend Karriane. But it turned out that her mother wasn't too happy about it and so I had to taken her home. Then Jason and Susan wanted me to take her back there. I figured I should. They went out of their way to pick her up when it didn't make much sense. Of course, if Cassie wouldn't have left everything a mess to begin with it wouldn't have been a problem.

Anyway, I was kind of upset that Mark hadn't contacted me back and I was so over tired that I just went to sleep. I even missed the primiere of "Chuck" and the new "Sanctuary." I just wanted to sleep. Then Jordan woke me up at 4:00am and wanted me to take him to Jack in the Box. I told him to let me sleep another hour. He did and so I took him. I got myself onion rings and an egg roll. Then swung by McDonald's to get a Dr. Pepper. After I ate I went back to sleep. 

I slept until 10:30am or so. My mom woke me up for breakfast. She'd made pancakes, bacon and eggs. Yum!! It was good. Then she wanted to go to mail some letters, go to the bank and then to Walmart. So that's what we did. I had to get milk and cereal anyway. I didn't have enough to get cereal or the kind I get so she gave me some money to cover it and getting myself a drink from McDonald's. I just didn't feel well. I don't know if I'd say I felt used though I think I was, but I didn't feel well. It didn't help that I accidently missed my meds last night AND this morning. Anyway, I really felt down when I took her to Walmart. I got what I was supposed to and then headed to McDonald's to wait. I got my drink and sat down. Eventually I started working on a scene for my recent James Bond fan fiction. It was hard for me to concentrate. In fact, it's been like that all day. But anyway, my mom came up and wanted me to get her some fries and a burger. I did that then she let me get a "Woman's World." When we got back home I had Jordan bring the stuff in and I called Mark. Still nothing. I was really more upset than I would let on, but then I responded to Rick's email and he called. It was good to talk to him. He loves to have sex and even though we've only been together twice we want to get together again. Knowing that he was still into me and just that it seemed like he cared put me in a better mood. :-) So I started feeling much better.

Anyway, I have been working on my fan fiction since I've gotten home, but it's been slow going. I think what I'm writing is okay, but not great. Still, I'm making progress, though I'm about ready to try to go to sleep. I've been watching all kinds of Halloween kind of shows on History today. I watched something on Vampires, on Vlad the Impaler, the real deal on Halloween and a possible zombie apocolypse. :-) It's been a good Saturday for TV and that's a rarity!

I guess there's not much else to say. Things could be better, but I'm doing okay. Better than I was doing earlier!

House Sitting

Well, I was so tired that I didn't want to wake up. I did, however, then packed to go over to Jason and Susan's for the night. I packed an outfit for tomorrow. I packed PJs, my medication - except advil like an idiot. I also brought my crocheting, but somehow I have lost the hook! Ugh!! Then I wanted to do some writing today, but instead I just chilled out to the TV. I watched a lot of "Chopped" tonight. I also watched a repeat of "Halloween Wars" and even an Urban Legends "Food Network Challenge." I watched a few other things, but I can't seem to remember. Must have been that interesting! LOL! Before I had settled down to that though, I took Cassie to Katie Kelly's. I picked her and Katie Kelly up then went to Albertson's for something to drink and something sweet to eat. I also bought a Woman's World magazine. I do love those things.

Anyway, I have just been tired and exhausted all day. Not to mention dizzy. It has really thrown me off today. I just kind of feel like crap. I might try to get some writing done, but I have definitely fallen short of my goals this week for it.

There's really nothing more for me to say. I haven't done anything other than that. So I'm going to close this up and move my ass to the bedroom. Maybe I'll sleep well here for a change. They have a memory foam bed topper. I can't wait to lay on it.

Sick Again - Did I Ever Get Well?

This sucks. I am sick again. Or maybe it's not again. Maybe I never quite got over it. I have been feeling tired and like crap for awhile. I figured I would be okay by now, but my nose won't stay unclogged. And because I can't breathe, I haven't been sleeping well. I just want some good sleep. Not interrupted by stuffy nose. Maybe I'll have to get some medicine that has medication that should work on my nose a bit too. But I have to get through tonight first.

I just feel so like crap. It's horrible. I woke up like that too. My mom was bitchy about Cassie not coming home, but I explained to her that I'm still sick. I guess maybe that might get through to her. Eventually Cassie will have to come back here for four nights a week, but for now she can stay where she's at. I mean, if I'm still sick then I could get her sick again and that's not something I want to do.

After I got up, I didn't really do anything and what was worse was that there was NOTHING good on TV. Then my mom asked if I felt up to going to the store. I didn't, but I did want to go. I can't tell you why. I just did. My mom wanted soup, fish fillets and bananas. I wanted a bottle of water and Arizona green tea. By the time I got home though, I was wasted. But my nose was so clogged I couldn't lay down if I wanted to. Eventually, I put a frozen dinner in the oven and watched some cake show. I can't remember the actual name of it, but I've seen it before.

I did get my nose to clear a little bit before dinner, but it clogged right back up. So I decided to let my nose stayed clogged for a few hours and see if that didn't help me clear it. I'm about ready to try out my theory. I did watch some good TV. I watched "Terra Nova" where a research outpost had an outbreak of a virus that made people's memories fade. Then I watched "House." He's out of jail, has one assistant now and at first wasn't friends with Wilson, but that changed. Wilson decked him first though! LOL! And last of all I watched "Hawaii 5-0" which was about a diver that was murdered. It was pretty interesting how that turned out to be a car and not a ship that they found.

Anyway, I am just so damn tired! Ugh! I want to sleep and I want to eat something else. LOL! I'm hungry and tired. I just hope I can sleep well tonight. I guess that's it. I feel like crap. I hope I feel better soon.

Tired Tuesday

Well, today has been a good day. Tiring day though and I'm still feeling a bit off. But nothing bad happened today, but I noticed that I'm more irritable. I'll have to keep an eye on that, but it could just be that I'm PMSing. It's getting close to that time.

I woke up early after sleeping like crap last night. I managed to get up and get to my pdoc. I have a knew one now. I can't remember his name, but he isn't going to change anything and he's taking me off the extra paxil to get me through the PMS because I started to get side effects last time. I would have considered trying it again, but I didn't really need those side effects, that's for sure. My next appointment is two days before my birthday. LOL! Happy Birthday to me! :-P

When I got home, I ate some French toast and went to bed and took a nap. I woke up a few hours later, but still exhausted and I just couldn't shake it. However, I did do my stretches. I didn't feel up to it, but I wanted to do it so I did! I'm proud of myself for that. It also turned out that because I'd gotten upset over the old "friend" I looked up was rude to me, my daughter messaged her "I don't know what your mother taught you, but my mom taught me not to be rude." I thought it was funny and sweet. Unfortunately Jason wrote her and was rude to her. Just in case there was fall out, I blocked her. I don't want any games to be played. On the upside, I found my old friend Melanie and my old friend Lesley! So those went well.

I ended up cooking dinner. No veggies because Jordan wouldn't eat them so it was just sausage. Then when I was in my room, I decided to see what was on a VHS tape because my TV has a player. Well, it must not have been working because it wouldn't eject and because of it, the TV would shut itself off. It took me like 45 minutes to an hour, but I FINALLY got that damn tape out! It broke, but oh well! My TV is back working now. That's what matters.

Well, tomorrow is going to be another busy day. Cassie is coming over at 3:00am. Then I have to get her up for school. I also have class in the morning and then a doctor'ds appointment. I have to try to not eat anything from 1:00am to my appointment so that I can give blood for testing. I have put it off for so long. I have to remember to talk to him about a sleep study and I think I have High Blood Pressure. My reading was really high at my pdoc's. But it's always high when I'm there. Go figure.

I cuddled Karissa a lot today too. It always calms me and when she purrs, it calms me even further. I love her so much. Then I watched "Deadliest Catch" and "Extreme Couponing" or whatever it was called. It was an interest show on TLC. Now I think I might get myself a PB & J sandwich and go to sleep while I can. 

Hope I don't feel this tired tomorrow.

 

Busy Like a Bee

Again it seems I'm writing my blog after midnight. Ugh! Ah well. It is what it is and I had things to do.

Last night with my TV not working I was a little nervous about sleeping when it would be so dark. No, I'm not afraid of the dark. But I haven't slept in the dark in a long time. Anyway, my nose was also giving me problems so I couldn't sleep that way. Jordan also talked me into watching some play-through on different video/PC games. I do like this one guy that does Total War Samurai 2. Or maybe that's Shogun. Not positive. But the guy is funny to listen to as he talks about the battle he's in. So that was fun. I enjoyed it, but I was so tired. Then because of my nose spray not working I ended up tossing and turning. Eventually I went to sleep but not until it started getting light out. So needless to say, I didn't want to wake up. My mom finally got me up about 1:30pm. It didn't take me long to get dressed then I took her to go get copies of these papers she wanted. Directions to the Ameral family reunion. Nope, it's not something I'm invited to and to be honest, I wouldn't want to go. I don't know most of these people and I have no sense of kinship with any of them.  After that my mom wanted to go to vons. She wanted me to pick up some cube steak for Chicken Fried Steak. She also picked out a roast for me that we can cut up and make stew out of. Outside of that I picked up milk, a water and a little coffee cake. My mom bought some stuff of her own. Then we went home. I had Jordan take the stuff inside. Soon it was time I had to go get Jason from the Amaya trolley stop because Susan had Cassie at a dental appointment.

I stopped at McDonald's to grab a Dr. Pepper and for the first time in awhile I picked regular Dr. Pepper. Anyway, I'm leaving the parking lot and turning onto the street when suddenly the cup tips over and spills on my leg. I get so distracted and upset that I almost cause a one car accident. I almost ran right into an electrical box on the sidewalk. I slammed on my brakes just in time. I swear I have a guardian angel! Anyway, I had to wait while a couple of cars passed me because I had to back up before going forward. Then I went and picked up Jason. I told him about my little adventure. Now I know how easy it is to get distracted by a drink and almost have an accident!

Jason hung out with me for awhile. Between him and Jordan we got my old TV out and put in my dad's TV, only the screen was jumping a little - which I then remembered it was why I had stopped using it to begin with. And as if that wasn't enough, it didn't have the port for the DVD cords. I would have needed an adapter. Ugh! Anyway, we found out that Cassie has gingivitis (like that's a surprise) and she has six cavities. It's a lot but to be honest, it's not as bad as it could be.

My mom made the chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and country gravy and OMG it was good! I ate the whole thing. My mom had cooked enough for Jason, but he didn't eat. He stayed a little longer and then waited outside for Susan to arrive. When they did Cassie came in, told me about her teeth and then got my food card so Susan and do the Food for Cash. I need to take care of it tomorrow.

Anyway, after that, I rested for a little bit because I had to get to Greg. What scared me is that he was supposed to come up to me to put fuel in my car and then go back to his place and then go to the hospital so he could get his MRI on his knee. That didn't happen and I was like at 14 miles til empty. I was pretty freaked out about it. By the time I got to Greg's house I was down to 8 miles. Eventually he put fuel in my tank. We also went to Longhorn Cafe again. I couldn't resist getting another burger. My god they are so yummy. We also got the onion rings and fries. I also got one long island iced tea, but that was it. I had to drive. After that, we went to the hospital. He took his prescription in to the pharmacy and then we went to the MRI section of the hospital. He didn't want to do it. I know he didn't. He's claustophobic and he took a lot of sedatives and drank quite a bit so that he could go through with it. While he did that, I ended up doing some reading on my "Crossfire" book. There were a couple of errors I'm going to have to fix, but nothing too major. Then I was talking to this one lady who was waiting for her son to get done with an MRI or CT. Then we started hearing this lullaby play. The woman at the desk told us everytime we heard it, it meant a baby had been born! I thought that was very cool! The sad thing is, Greg got done over an hour before we could pick up his meds. Eventually we went out to the car to sit. Then at about 20 minutes til midnight he went in and picked up his prescription for pain meds. I feel so bad for him though. He is in such pain with that knee. It has to be replaced. Something had to be stapled and something else that I can't remember. I was definitely happy when it was all over though. I got him home. He gave me a couple of percocets to help with my sleep and then I came home. I haven't finished reading through "Crossfire" yet, but I wanted to get this written. Plus, I'm tired and ready for bed.

As for tomorrow Greg said maybe there would be a Taco Bell lunch. That would be nice. But I have nothing else going. No class. No other plans. If Susan comes back with my card and my money I'm going to go pay my car insurance. It has to be there by the 25th. But I'll make it. I just wish my $50 check had come in. I thought it should have. It sucks! Oh well, it still might show up. If it did it would make my month! That would be nice.

Feeling Like a Roley Poley

Not much really went on today. I didn't go to class like I should have. My nose was and is giving me trouble so I had a hard time sleeping. So I just decided I'd sleep today. Plus I wanted to make sure I had enough fuel to get to my therapist and back. I ended up not waking up until 2:30pm or so. I was still tired, but I got myself up. Once I woke up, I took my meds and did some stuff in my room. I did steal about .80 cents from my mom. I shouldn't steal anything, but I wanted to get a drink from McDonald's on my way to therapy. Turned out I had enough in change to get a drink or two and enough for crickets this week. So as I was dressed and it got to be that time, I went and got my drink and headed to see Dr. Tess.

In his waiting room, I heard my cell phone beep to let me know I had gotten a text only I couldn't find my phone. I started looking through my purse and around me when Dr. Tess called me back. I figured it was in there somewhere so I let it go at that. I ended up talking a lot about going to Greg's because of Diana and how her coming out and me having to leave has made me feel. I don't like how it makes me feel, but Dr. Tess did point out it could be worse. She could be MOVING BACK! That would really be bad. So that kind of puts things in perspective. Plus it's just a month. There's part of me that's afraid if I move out they won't let me back in, but I don't know. I think that's just irrational on my part. It's the fact I don't trust Diana. It's as simple as that. Other than that we laughed about how the world is going to end on Saturday. What a load of crap. LOL! I told him about when I was in junior high and there were two things that had gone around my school - different years. One was that Southern California was going to fall into the ocean on a certain day. I thought it was a load of crap then and I was young! The other one is funnier. The planets were going to align (like they'd never done it before) and that the Earth was going to explode! LOL! I was like, well, if it happens I don't have to go to next class! That's kind of been my attitude about it. Plus, if you're a Christian, it says in the Bible no man shall know the day. And to be honest, 2012 is a little scary for me, but then I think about it if the Maya were so smart and could predict the future how come they didn't predict their own demise? Then Dr. Tess told me that from what he knew, the only reason the Maya Calendar didn't go further was they ran out of room on whatever rock or wall or whatever it had been written on. That made me feel even better. But this crap about Saturday . . . what a crock! LOL! Then I look through my purse as I'm getting ready to leave and I don't see my phone. I look around where I was sitting and in the waiting room. Nothing. I go to my car and pull out EVERYTHING from my purse and it's not there. I was almost frantic, but I knew my phone wouldn't have walked away. So I went back to the waiting room and checked the cushions on the couch again then I decided to look under the couch and BOOM! There is was! So that was my excitement for the day!

After that, I went to Greg's and he took me out to dinner. OMG! We went to Lido's, which I'd never been to before - I think. My dad might have taken us YEARS ago, like when I was a kid. Maybe. But Greg got us meatball pizza, he had a full order of canneloni. I had a full order of Lasanga. They came with salad and garlic bread. YUM!! Also got a few long island iced teas. I didn't eat everything. In fact, I wanted to make sure I had room for a cannoli and the cannoli was awesome. Even Greg took a bite or two and enjoyed it. He also ordered a full order or lasagna for Jordan. By the time I was done I was FULL! I felt like a weeble wobble or a Roley Poley! I felt like if I laid down I ccould be rolled like a ball! LOL! We then went back to his place and I watched "When in Rome" which is a great movie! I want it for my collection one of these days. 

So all is fine and good. I leave feeling pretty good. I make it all the way home without an issue. Get home. Get to my room. Turn on my TV . . . there's sound . . . BUT NO PICTURE!! My TV gave me no warning it was going to do that, so now I have to figure out what I'm going to do. I have to put the old TV back in here because my TV is now busted and I don't know where my other TV is, so I can't do anything about using the other one I have. Ugh! I am irritated, but at least I do have another TV I can use. It's my dad's old TV. It was giving me trouble too, but I have to have something. I am a TV addict.

Anyway, I really am irritated by the TV. I hope I sleep tonight without the TV. I can run my DVD, but I'll just be listening. Not watching. We'll see if that works or not. It's been awhile since I have slept in total darkness. It'll be intereting if nothing else. It's just so very aggravating. Guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

    

Rating for Today: Better Than Average!

Last night I should have set my alarm, but luckily my mother woke me up in time to get dressed, grab coffee and get out the door to get her to her doctor's appointment. I got her there with 10 minutes to spare! So timing was very good. While I waited for her to get done seeing the doctor, I went across the way to Walmart. I didn't really do much. I just kind of looked around at the different things that interest me, but all in all, I ended up at the McDonald's there with a $1 drink and a book. I started reading "State of Fear" by Michael Crichton, but I've literally only just started it. I got several pages into it when she called me to pick her up. Then as I'm driving, I get a call from Calworks that told me I'm supposed to go to some orientation when my doctor cleared me from doing this for a year as I work on getting things set to permanent. I can't end up back in the hospital again! It would help my case even more, but I don't want to go into the hospital! Anyway, I am going to have to make some kind of noise over this and see what happens. Just the thought of being forced into this situation makes me start shaking and panicky. I can't go through weeks or months of it like I tried before. I just can't! I don't think I'd survive it.

Anyway, so I'm trying to take this call and pick up my mom. Not the smartest thing to do while driving, but it was more difficult trying to keep her quiet while I finished the call. Finally I did and then I finally explained it to her. For some reason she thought I was talking to Susan or Greg or someone. I can't remember now. But I was still pretty upset, though I don't think I showed it too much. Probably came out as irritation more than anything else.

My mom came out with prescriptions so I ended up taking her to the pharmacy and she treated me to breakfast at Denny's. Instead of just getting the value slam, she had both of us get Build-Your-Own-Slams. It was great. I got pancakes, hashbrowns, sausage links and oatmeal. I know it's a strange combination, but boy was it delicious! That put me in a better mood. Of course, good food always brings a good mood! Of course, what sucked was the fact that my first finger on my right hand . . . the nail came off at the quick when I went to move my chair. Even now it's hard to type, but I'm over it. I'll get better.

When I got home, I really didn't do too much. Actually, since Jordan had the laptop I decided that I would write notes for one of my stories since I'd come up with a change I want to make when I rewrite it. Needless to say that kept me kind of busy. I'd had Jordan pull out ground turkey for dinner. Originally I thought I would make Shepherd's Pie but Jordan and I decided on spaghetti instead. After dishes were washed from earlier I started dinner. What I think is funny is that when my mom makes spaghetti there is usually some left. When I make spaghetti there is rarely any left. I don't do a lot of things well, but making spaghetti is definitely one of the things I do very well! Then we also finally got into the Julian Apple Pie I got for the $5 and OMG!! It was so worth it! It would have been worth the $15 if I'd had to pay that much. Maybe I'll get one every month now as a treat for all of us. I'm going to do my best to cut out snacks again. I was pretty good for awhile, but the last two months have been bad for snacking. I eat a night and I need to stop that. Anyway, the pie was fantastic! And I have to say that it was kinda nice to do the cooking. Even though my back is not appreciating it much! LOL!

After dinner I took the time to clean out the litter box. I mean, let's face it. It NEEDS to get done! Especially with it being in my room. Plus, I'm sure my baby appreciates it. What I think is so funny though, is that when Karissa gets out of the room when she shouldn't Jordan makes his noise and chases her back into the room and then she talks to him! In fact, sometimes when he just comes into the room she'll talk to him! :-) It is so cute!!! I think she's starting to figure out that she doesn't go out of the house when it's dark. LOL! But she doesn't get it completely yet. She's such a good baby.

And last of all, I have watched some GREAT TV today. I saw an episode of "House" that had to be pretty recent and it just about broke my heart! He gets rejected by Cutty AND he goes back on Vicodin . . . I just wanted to cry! :-( Then Jordan and I watched a couple of episodes of "NCIS" which were pretty good. But I decided I wanted to see if Syfy would have full episodes of "Stargate: Universe" which they did!! I was so excited because then I got to watch Monday's Episode which I missed! That was so awesome! There was a second Dr. Rush,  a second Destiny and only one set of the crew alive. However, they also killed off Col. Telfort. It was a riveting episode. It's crazy that Telfort is dead. Go figure.

At the moment, I'm watching "Dan Meltzer's Decoded" about DB Cooper. I find it so interesting. I think they had it right. This guy Kenny Christiansen fits almost everything about it. Even the picture of him was so similar to the sketch of DB Copper! I mean, come on!! That has to say something! Of course, it's all circumstantial, but . . . well . . . if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck . . . The last thing I want to watch is the last "Fairly Legal" because I missed that last night and I'm pretty sure it's up. But I'm also getting pretty tired so I might save it for tomorrow because Saturday's are usually deserts when it comes to TV. Guess we'll find out. I think I'll just take my night meds, finish watching about DB Cooper and go to sleep.

Rating for today: Better than Average! ;-)

A Drop of Darkness in the Pool of Life

I might have been tired last night, but I didn't sleep. Nice, huh? I think I was just waiting for Christopher to come back. He did, but not last night. He came back this afternoon. But he walked away before I could even get out of my room, to say nothing of the door. I called to him several times, but he still didn't come to me. I don't know what to do anymore about him. He sees us. But it's like he's too skittish to come up to anyone now. And he knows ME!!!! It really is so upsetting. I love the butthead and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to get him back for Jason, Susan, Cassie and I. It SUCKS!! I wish I had a magic wand where I could make him magically appear and come in. But that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Needless to say I didn't go to the water aerobics class. I spent my morning and early afternoon sleeping. In fact, I didn't want to get up at all - the depression that's creeping back is causing it, I think. My goal is to try to go tomorrow. I just have to get some sleep and force myself to get up. But I tell you, I wanted to sleep all day and even now I kind of wish I was asleep and had slept all day. There was nothing bad about the day. Well, except for Christopher showing up and running off again. But I mean nothing bad really. In fact, I even got a $50 check! Susan is going to cash it for me tomorrow and we're going to do food for cash too. It helps me a lot because I can now pay my car insurance, get the oil changed and maybe even have a little left for fuel. Or at the very least enough for crickets and some $1 drinks from McDonald's! LOL! So good, right? Go figure.

I didn't do any writing today again. Actually I did a little research and have gotten a few more ideas for my story. I figure the attacker is going to end up befriending her. I haven't worked out all the kinks yet, but I'm thinking that it's going to start with something stolen, yet returned - Laura didn't know it was stolen. She would have thought she left it. So could be a wallet . . . keys . . . schedule book . . . maybe the schedule book makes the most sense. This way, she'll appear to be in between two men. There will still be stuff going on like her house being broken into without anything taken. At first she'll think it's just that she's moved something without really remembering. But over time, she should start to notice. Maybe she'll also start getting phone calls. Payphones around the city that can't be checked really. No cameras available, or no clear pix. I need to figure out how to make both the men ambiguous so that in the end it's interesting and that it's clear that Mathias is the good guy. I want a scene with Mathias the cat scratches the shit out of the other man when he's trying to hurt her. Maybe at the end when he finally gets her, cat Mathias will come to her rescue. Until human Mathias can make an appearance. I'll definitely have to figure out more of the middle now that I have a clearer idea on the end. So I guess I've done some work on my story, but no writing. Time to list ideas. Maybe that will be my project tomorrow.

Even though I slept late, maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight. I sure feel like I can, but that never means anything once I lay down. But I'm going to hope. I just need to take my meds. I've already did some reading. "The Surgeon" is such a good book. I've also watched "Fairly Legal." It's awesome to see Richard Dean Anderson acting again. It's not a large role that I can see, though I could see it getting bigger perhaps. We'll see what happens in the future, but it's a good show. And as soon as I finish watching the finale of "White Collar" I'm going to try to go to sleep. At least I hope that's what happens. 

Guess that's it for this episode of insanity.

The Darkness Creeping Back a Little

It's been a bit of a long day. Not long as in starting at dawn, but me just being tired and feeling the depression slowly creeping back. It's not bad, but it's there and I noticed it getting worse tonight. I did see Dr. Tess today. It's good to have a therapist. I talked about everything that had gone on over the last couple of weeks and the one thing he pointed out to me is that everyone I care about has something going on. Jason feels like no one needs him. Cassie has been having anxiety and just emotional issues - especially where Jason is concerned. Susan is missing Christopher badly. Good news is he's been seen in the neighborhood. In fact, I saw him around 3:00am. Karissa was growling at him through the window. But once I opened the door he took off running. :-( It was very disheartening. Then Greg's friend Ed Buddy died from his lukemia. He lost the battle yesterday. Of course, the guy abused all kinds of drugs. I'm really surprised he lived as long as he did. Then my mother is always stressed about the house and Jordan wants to move out and I'm already looking ahead at the loss. If it works out, that is. I don't know. I am just feeling rundown. I guess he's right in the fact that it can all contribute to how I feel. I mean, I love everyone and I hate when the people I love are hurting.

Anyway, I slept late again. Tomorrow I'm going to get up and go swimming. I'll see how busy Thursdays are. I really haven't done much today. Outside of playing on Facebook and picking Cassie up from school about 30 minutes early. Susan came and got her and she finally took the clothes she got from My Girlfriend's Closet Event with her. Last night Susan colored Cassie's hair to auburn and so I got to see it today and she looks so good! I like the color, but she doesn't want me to have it. LOL! She has to have her own identity. But I'm going to pick out another color I think. I'd like to have hair that's more red in color than orangy or pinkish. I guess I felt a little depressed when she left. It's the first time that's happened in awhile really.

I didn't do any writing today, but I did read over some of the stuff I started. I wanted to run off my newest story so I had a hard copy, but there just wasn't a way. It SUCKED! But I'm going to try it again. Said I needed to look for a program to open it on my old computer. I might also take a look at some new printers. I love my printer, but I don't know. Maybe I can find a good one that uses less ink, though I doubt it. Still, I want to. Because if not, I have to get an adaptor for the laptop. I suppose I should do that anyway. So guess I'll look into that too. It will probably be cheaper too.

Anyway, on the way to therapy to stopped at the Hostess Outlet store. I got bread. We needed it. I got Sour dough and honey wheat. But I also got all kinds of cakey treats. I am so bad. I so shouldn't get this stuff, but I couldn't help it. I got vanilla zingers, twinkies, Raspberry zingers and Suzy Q's. I just hope I don't go through them in record time. As it is, I have gone through almost all the cakey stuff I bought at Walmart. I haven't eaten much of the candy though, so I guess that's a good thing.

My crazy cat keeps going into my corner where I have a ton of stuff piled. She finally managed to get through to what she wanted. Turns out she wanted to get onto the bottom shelf of my book case. LOL! There's only enough room for her to go in and maybe for her turn around and come back out. I had to laugh. I'm just glad she didn't knock over all the DVDs again. :-P I love her so much.

Well, I think that's about it. I have already watched the new "Ghost Hunters" and "Face/Off". They were both entertaining. On "Ghost Hunters" a spirit agreed with Grant and Jason that these antique dolls in this one room was creepy. I thought that was funny. Then on "Face/Off" the make-up artists had to disguise themselves and try to fool loved ones into thinking they're someone else. Most of the make-ups were very awesome and funny. At least I had some good laughs with the TV shows.

Now I'm going to take an ativan and see about going to sleep. Maybe I'll dream about my Ex-Friend and my Ex-Husband again! Goody . . . NOT!!!

Manic Monday? Kinda . . .

Well, I didn't make it to water aerobics today. I was way too tired. Ended up sleeping until noon, but I figure I'll get over it. I have to wake up and stay awake tomorrow at 6:30am to wake Jordan up for school and maybe go to water aerobics. Might take the 5-hour energy too. So I'll take two in a row. It won't kill me to do it once.

Today was kind of somber. Susan came over looking for Christopher until I woke up. Then I made the flyer to put up. Running it off was fun. My printer cable doesn't fit anywhere on the laptop so I'll eventually need an adapter. So that was the first way and it failed. I thought my desktop computer was fried, but it turns out it can be turned on and used. So basically I had emailed the flyer to Susan's email account. I pulled it up and ran off about 30 flyers. They came out really good. But it was raining today so the flyers aren't going up until tomorrow. The rain is supposed to be cleared up by then. After Cassie got out of school and we couldn't find thumb tacks, her and Susan left. That was my cue to go to the store and do some shopping. After the fiasco last night at Walmart I decided to stop at Albertson's to get a bottle of water. It was while I was there I saw Twinkies with chocolate filling so I grabbed a box. Yummy! I was able to get them. My food money was finally there so I felt good and it was good to get that treat though I haven't tried it yet. Maybe tomorrow.

After that, I headed to Walmart and did some SERIOUS shopping. I had to sit out in the parking lot for about 10 minutes because I forgot the shopping list and had to call my mother so she could give it to me again. It was a good thing I had a spiral notebook and pens with me. I got the list and went inside and shopped like a mad woman! LOL! Not only did I get what was needed, but I grabbed what Jordan and I had been trying to get at midnight. By the time I was done, I had been invited over to Jason and Susan's for dinner, so I had to go home, get Jordan to take things inside, get things put away and then take off.

Being over at Jason and Susan's was nice. Cassie was doing homework with her friend Tyler. Paige came over and they all played together, except when Paige was asking me these This or That questions from a BFF book. Don't remember what the book was called but there was all kinds of silly questions in it. Susan made dinner, but she started late so I took Tyler home. Getting back, Susan had the Spaghetti and Texas Toast ready. It was so good! But it was nice. Part of the time I kicked back with the kids and read my book while they did their school work. My book is awesome! Tess Gerritsen is such a fantasatic writer.

Anyway, after that we had ice cream sundaes from McDonald's and then I had to say goodnight because it was after 10:00pm. I also figured that I should go back to Albertson's before it closed so that I could get Jordan his St. Patty's Day Shot 'o Luck necklace and my St. Patty's Day headband bopper. I also ended up getting mini cupcakes, yogurt that was on sale and a cream puff that was on the clearance rack. I haven't eaten it yet but that's probably next.

I guess even though the day was kind of sad because we can't find Christopher, it was nice that we got to visit and have dinner together. It was just a really nice time. Not that we haven't done it a million times before but I'm appreciative for each and everytime. It really feels like family time. I don't know how I would have survived without them emotionally.

Now it's time to start winding down. I watched "Being Human" and I'm going to watch the premiere of "Stargate: Universe." I am so bummed these are the last 10 episodes because they cancelled the show - the bastards . . . But then I heard they're going to green-light a couple of movies so that the storyline will get wrapped up. I'm just glad they're not going to leave us hanging. That pisses me off more than anything else when shows just end and leave you hanging. And I do love my TV shows.

Wow, I'm getting tired. Guess it's time to get ready for bed, maybe eat that cream puff, watch my show and go to sleep. That is, if I don't fall asleep with it on. :-P

A Mixed State A-Coming . . . Maybe . . .?

Didn't make it to the gym so now swimming; no water aerobics class. It was hard for me to wake up, but that was my fault. I took too much ativan to help me sleep and it just slammed me. I have sort of been tired all day because of it. I still had my coffee, but I have also been feeling off. Sometimes I start feeling okay and then this feeling comes back. I don't know if it's the coffee or I am just starting a mixed state - which I hope isn't the case. But I have been so irritable! Just irritable with my mother, other drivers, Jason . . . I've been shaking on and off too. I've been speeding more in the car. That usually goes hand in hand with mixed states too. But all I can do is wait and see. Right now, these are just annoying symptoms that I might be able to keep in check. I don't know what I'll do if it escalates. Guess I'll cross that bridge if I get to it. Either way, I'll be keeping an eye on myself.

I took my mom to go to Macy's today and See's Candy. While I waited for her, I went to the McDonald's at the Walmart. I got lunch and then spent the time reading. She actually got done sooner than I thought she would. It didn't give me that much time to read and "The Surgeon" is a good book. I'll probably read a little before I go to sleep tonight.

After that, we came back home, but about 30 minutes after that my mom wanted to go to the Post Office to send a package to Diana. She got her all kinds of neat things for her birthday. I got to pick out the card. I went with something I knew my mother would get her. Of course, my mother loved it when she read it. I saw another card I liked, but it was definitely more of a me card. LOL! It might not have gone over well. :-P Not that it was bad or anything! It just had a humor twist and my mother doesn't do funny.

Then after the Post Office we went to Albertson's. I got water and St. Patty's Day buttons like "Eat, Drink, Be Irish!" LOL! I also picked out pizzas for dinner. Turned out good. We had pizza and salad.

Outside of going to the store again I haven't done much of anything. I didn't feel up to writing because my brain feels a little chaotic and my concentration's been bad today. So all I've really done tonight is play on Project Playlist, upload photos to MySpace. Check Facebook and update Yahoo. I have "Criminal Minds" on, but it really isn't a show I got into. The episodes are good, but don't capture me the way other shows do. I can take it or leave it so to say.

Anyway, I'm tired. Think I'll take my medication and do some reading. Not sure if I'll watch "Merlin" tonight or not. Guess we'll see.

Odds 'N Ends

What can I say? The last two days have sucked. I was so depressed and tired yesterday that I didn't even make an entry here at all. I just laid down and went to sleep. Then even today I just didn't want to get up because of being tired and depressed so I didn't crawl out of bed until 2pm or later. Even then, I didn't leave the room. I ended up watching "Confessions of Animal Hording" or something like that on Animal Planet. My mom had made spaghetti so I did go out eventually and eat, but after that I went back to my room and watched more about the Animal Hording until I switched to the Food Network. I finally got to see almost an entire episode of "Restaurant: Impossible" which was great! I had wanted to see it, but it comes on when I have other things to watch so being able to see it today was nice. 

Jordan came into the room around then and wanted me to take him to go get something to eat. I also wanted something more, but I waited until the show was over and I talked him into getting me a shake with his money. So I took him to Beef and Bun. He got himself a big meal with a shake and got me a shake. Yum!! Then I went up to Walmart. I really wanted a new book since I finished "The Bone Garden" and just my luck I found "The Surgeon" by Tess Gerritsen, the same author. I also picked up some goodies that I probably shouldn't have, but oh well at this point.

Now I'm home. I am watching the finale of "Worst Cooks in America" followed by "Iron Chef America." My mother just came in yelling at me about Jordan. He's supposed to have done a few things today - including taking a shower and he didn't so she freaked out and yelled at me about it. There is only so much I can do about him. But tomorrow I'll try to get on his case and get him to do more of what he's supposed to do. That's the best I can do.

I do think tomorrow is going to be a better day. I have to set my alarm, but I'm going to get up around 8:00am and take the 5-hour energy then hopefully head to the gym. I have to get myself back together again. In fact, I'm also going to work on the writing tomorrow. I want myself heading back in the right direction again. I have had two days for "Oh poor me" now it's time to get going again.

Besides, I can't stay angry with Jason forever. I just can't! He's my brother!! At least that's how I look at him and that's how it's always going to be, I think. He just has to learn to keep his mouth shut or his texting fingers silent when he's angry so he doesn't lash out. Thank god this doesn't happen often, but he really did hurt me bad. But he loves me and I love him and that happens sometimes, right?

Anyway, the is ending on a relatively good note. Karissa has been with me almost all day. It was so funny. She liked to sleep on the clothes that were on my bed, but I folded them today. So what did she do? She went to my laundry hamper, knocked it over, crawled inside and went to sleep! LOL! That's a good memory I can keep to make me smile.

Well, time to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is going to be a better day! Maybe even one of the best!

See's Candy, A Snake and Writing . . .

I'm tired yet again. Ugh! And again I have slept all day. Tomorrow morning I'm waking up early. I have a ticket buy. I can use the money and maybe it will be the start of me getting up a little earlier. The thing is I didn't want to get up and that's the thing I have to keep fighting. That need to just want to stay in bed. I suppose it's still part of the depression manifesting itself. I have been okay, but I still am feeling it. The damn depression is just under the surface and that makes me tired too.

Things haven't been bad today at all. I finally got up and got dressed. I had to eat so I finally tried my cranberry apple butter on Hawaiian bread. OMG! That was really yummy. Then I just had a couple of yogurts and a banana. From there I took my mom up to Grossmont Center because my mom wanted to go to See's candy and pick up a couple of boxes. I know she's sending them to Diana. Wish I had a box! I love See's candy. She did bring me a couple of sample pieces they were handing out. Yum! So at least I got a taste. It's better than nothing. After that, my mom wanted to go to the 99cent store. I went in long enough to get something to drink and a penguin calendar. Then I just went back to the car and read some more of "The Chronicles of Riddick" which I've gotten through about 240 pages, give or take.

We'd had to wake up Jordan before we left in the gardener finally came, though I have to say I didn't think he was going to show. I did have a fleeting thought as we were leave that he would show up because I was so sure he wasn't. LOL! So when Jordan called and told me the Gardener was there I kinda laughed. Personally I didn't think the guy was ever showing up again! He still didn't do everything my mom wanted him to. He better get his act together next month or my mom might get upset enough to fire him.

Anyway, dinner was good; a salad with tuna and two quesadillas. I also did some writing on my new story. So far so good. I need to come up with the next thing though. But I have faith it will come to me. After all, the premise came to me easy enough. I'm still working on developing the characters. I have Mathias the cat down pretty well. Now I have to work on the human part. The woman Laura is easy. She's one of the many versions of me. I can identify with her. I guess I'll think on the next section for awhile and I know something will come to me. I think I like this story idea better than the other one I had and that one is great too! I guess I've just been blessed with creativity lately. For awhile, I thought it was gone and now it's come back full force. I need to pick a date to do the edits on my first book. I think if I don't I will keep putting it off. Of course, now I'm going to put that off until tomorrow. LOL! But I have to get back to that. I want to stop being afraid. I know it's a good story. It will be even better when I do the edits. Time to work on my confidence. 

Well, there isn't much else going on tonight. I might try to write a little more though it's more likely that I'm going to finish watching "Ocean's Thirteen" and maybe "Merlin." I have to stay awake long enough to have Jordan take a shower since he'll be coming to the ticket buy with me. And his girlfriend wants to see him! 

Of course, on a sad note, Cassie's boyfriend broke up with her today. It sucked. She's doing okay. She was upset at first, but she's okay with it now. It just sucks that it had to happen right before Valentine's Day. Then again, she also got her corn snake today! It's black and gray. She's in love with it. :-) I knew she would be. She loves snakes. I'm sure having that distraction helped her a lot.

Anyway, it's been an eventful day. All's well at the moment. Now I'm going to go eat a Reese's Big Cup and take my medication. Oh and set my alarm! :-P So that's it for now.   

Exhausted

Well, I can say I didn't sleep the day awake which I guess is a significant improvement. However, I didn't sleep last night. I think I might have gotten a few minutes here and there, but I basically didn't really sleep. In fact, I tried to sleep this morning. That didn't work either so I ended up getting up, getting dressed and getting me my coffee. I have missed my coffee since I won't drink it when I sleep late.

Anyway, I needed to do shopping so I got the list my mother made and headed to Walmart. I got a couple other things that weren't on the list, but figured we'd need; like tortillas. Then I swung by Trader Joe's. I picked up some hummus and my favorite chicken cesar wrap. That was my lunch. After that I went to Vons. Had to get a Pork Shoulder. I also grabbed some oranges and fruit juice I could drink fast. So I pretty much spent the morning shopping.

When I got home I really didn't do much. Watched TV - there was a mini-marathon of "Law and Order: Criminal Intent." I am way too tired to do any writing tonight so it's put off until tomorrow. I still want my confidence back. I know I'm a good writer, but some part of me refuses to believe it now. It sucks. All I've wanted to be since I was a teen was a writer. I thought I had a shot and I still think I do, but I just can't get over this feeling that I'm just not good enough. Story of my life, I guess. Never feeling good enough, always feeling like I've somehow failed or I'm just inherently bad. Don't get me wrong. I'm not depressed at the moment. In fact, I've been good with a few moments of being down here and there, but no monumental depression. In fact I even saw Cassie today. Her arm/shoulder was hurting again. Apparently she got dog piled on at her boyfriend's house on Superbowl Sunday. The doctor sent her to get X-rays, but as they were going up to Childrens they had to stop by and get her insurance cards. I need to write out a note though that gives Jason and Susan the authorization to get medical care for Cassie. It will just make things like this easier instead of them calling me to get authorization. I do worry it's going to raise too many questions, but I figure it will work out in the end.

Patty F. called me today, which was a nice surprise. I hadn't talked to her since last month or two. Her father died and I think life just overcame here. I mean, he died suddenly and I know how that can hurt and destroy your life for awhile. When my dad died, we watched him decline so when he passed none of us were surprised. But when my niece died, it was right out of nowhere. Of course, it made it worse that I looked at her like one of my children. It KILLED me. For years I couldn't even talk about her without crying. Anyway, Patty was doing better. She told me how she's taken Mason skating at his friend's party and she tried skating with him because he really wanted her too. But she fell three times! After that she called it quits. I don't blame here! LOL! Once you're over-weight your center of gravity changes (kinda like being pregnant). I tried ice skating once when I was heavier than I had been when I'd first learned and fell three times. Not sure what it is with three's. I guess we're programmed to try something three times before giving up. One, two, three - you're out! :-P But it was just good to hear from her.

I also cleaned out Tubbie's tank today and got him some crickets. I was worried. He looked like he was getting a little sick. My fault for not doing this sooner. But now it's done and he looks tons better. I have it written on my schedule when to take care of him now so that way it gets done and I don't forget when I did it last. Sometimes I can't remember anything to save my life. The nickname Dory didn't come to me for no reason! LOL!

I made a quick dinner tonight. My mom didn't feel up to cooking. Jordan was hungry and exhausted. He hadn't slept all night too. He stayed up to right his sleeping schedule. Anyway, I made hot dogs. I bought hot dog buns and hot dogs today so no big deal. It was a good and simple dinner.

Well, I think I'm about to call it a night. I just about lost this post so I guess I'd better save as post as quickly as possible. I think I'm going to sleep tonight FINALLY! I am so exhausted. And hopefully my Karissa won't wake me up either. I apparently have a mouse in my room because she went nuts a little bit ago and I could have sworn I saw something small and dark running away from her. So long as it's not a rat and hopefully if she catches it she won't bring it on the bed for me to play with.

Okay, officially I am outta here. I'm too tired for words and I've made it through my shows - "Chuck," "Being Human" (which is a great new show on Syfy) and "Hawaii 5-0." I'd say it's been a pretty good day. Tomorrow will be good too. Positive thinking. . . positive thinking . . . it will work.

It's Just Another Day in the Life of a Nut

Today has been a strange day, I guess. I woke up late once again. I have to break myself of that though I'll be sleeping a little late tomorrow, or I guess I should say today since it's well after midnight. But it's been a relatively decent day.

I woke up. Had an early dinner. Talked with my mom for awhile. My mother made a cake with some killer icing. It was sooooooo good! I could have eaten the whole cake all by myself! LOL! My mom has been more than a little irritated and Jordan and I have been sleeping a lot, but Jordan is going to try to stay awake until at least 5:00pm. That way his schedule will start to normalize for when he goes back to school. As for me, sooner or later I'm just going to have to force myself to wake up early and just deal with how tired I get. It's the only way to change a bad sleeping pattern, at least for me.

After dinner, I just watched some TV. I also played on Facebook and uploaded some pix there. I even uploaded pix to Picasa which I hadn't done in ages. In fact, I was so productive I worked on my story!! I told myself I was going to spend some time writing and I did. I got maybe about 3/4 of a page written. I'm still trying to work out a few bumps in my idea, but we'll see what happens as the story progresses. I'm just glad I was able to get some done. It reminds me that I still have my gift for writing, even though I lack the confidence I used to have. I'm hoping that will come back in time. After all, I have ideas and what I might be able to do. I don't know though. I just don't have that belief in myself like I used to. 

One of the shows I watched was "Worst Cooks in America" and then "Cupcake Wars". Sunday night is my Food Network night. Usually I watch "Iron Chef American," but today it wasn't on. Then at midnight Jordan and I went to Walmart. I just wanted snacks. I know I shouldn't, but I was looking forward to it. Also I wanted to get a b-day card for Greg which I got. I'm over last night and his cruel joke. He was sorry he'd done it and didn't even know why he had. Of course, he'd been drinking so maybe that caused his lack of judgment. But one of the things I got was a DVD. I am so addicted to getting DVDs - and I have so many I want to get!! Plus having Jordan with me pushed me to get it. It was a movie we both have been wanting to see - "The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day." Then on the way home we stopped at Jack in the Box. We were both starving. Burger and tacos for me. He got a burger and a chocolate shake. And of course, as soon as we got home we put on the movie.

The movie rocked! Both of us thought so and they set it up for a third installment. I think I heard somewhere that they were doing a third one. I hope they do. It was sad that they killed off two of the characters, but it fit with the course of the story so they were reasonable within the story.

I can say that there is one positive thing that's really come from Cassie not being here all the time. Jordan and I have spent more  time together. He's come with me to Walmart and we've watched movies together. Just spending time together and that's probably something we've both needed. So I guess there are good things. Doesn't mean I don't miss her like crazy though.

Well, it's almost 4:00am so I need to try to sleep. Tomorrow will be another day and hopefully a good one. Keep a positive attitude, right? :-) 

Feeling Good Today

Well, sleeping last night didn't happen. In fact, as tired as I was I just couldn't sleep. I tried, but failed. Instead I got this wild hair up my ass to do something I hadn't done in a very long time - make a friends's ship scrapbook. It's sort of like a getting to know you survey, but it's in a book and it has to be handwritten so it has to be done in person. I don't know why I felt I needed to do it, but I did and was pretty happy with that.

I also spent more time reading. I've been doing a lot of reading lately and it's a good thing. In fact, I already know what I'm reading after I finish "Next" by Michael Crichton. I'm going to read the novelization of the movie "Chronicles of Riddick". I love the movie so I'm looking forward to reading this book. I still have two other books that are waiting for me to come back and read. So I have a list.

Anyway, I did get some sleep. I fell asleep around 10:30am I think. Then I didn't wake up until about 3:30pm. It's not enough sleep for me really, but it's enough to keep me going. I just hope I sleep tonight though everytime I've said that it hasn't happened easily, if at all. LOL! But I didn't do much today. I played on Facebook. One of the things I did was a writing exercise in my writing group. Nicole tried to write something and it didn't let her post it so I don't know if she's going to try again. I hope she does. I really like the idea of having writing exercises.

Other than that I had dinner. Watched "Dirty Jobs" and I LOVE that show. Now I'm chilling out to "Auction Kings", writing this and contemplating sleep. Today was a good day. I feel pretty good. No serious depression, which is always a good thing. Now I just hope I sleep tonight and that tomorrow is a good day too. Maybe I'll be able to do some writing tomorrow for my new story since it keeps getting pushed aside.

Anyway, time to wrap this puppy up. I need to go take my medication. Wish I didn't but when you're bipolar it's a necessity, like insulin for a Diabetic. Fun, fun! Definitely time for sleep. Cross your fingers for me.  

I'm Better When I See Her

Today's actually been pretty good. I still didn't want to wake up. My mom let me sleep until 11am before getting me up. I finally took a shower and that got me going. Gort my coffee, too my mom to get her blood drawn. She asked me to go to Trader Joe's to get this special maple syrup she uses for her elixir she makes for her health. Guess it must work well. She's 93 and looks like a young 70's. After I picked her up she treated me to brunch at Denny's. Their pancakes are SOOOOOO GOOOD! Then it was a trip to the bank and Albertson's. By the time we got home Cassie had come and gone with Susan and Jason was there. We hung out for a few and then we went to his place.

It was so good to see Cassie! She didn't really stay long because she wanted to go see her boyfriend and I let her. I mean, why not let her see him. Because of him she looks forward to the next day. That means a lot to me and just having him in her life will get her grades up. I remember when I was first in love. He and I were never boyfriend/girlfriend but I was so in love with him. His name was Jayson. He was African American and Samoan. My parents had an issue with his color. I loved his voice, the legends of his people and how kind and sweet he was. Because of him I went to school. Just knowing I might see him and have a chance to talk with him was enough to get me to go. And in English my grade picked up from a "D" to a "B" in one quarter. So her having a boyfriend is a good thing as far as I'm concerned. And I got to see her when she came back for a few too.

Dinner was great. It's always nice to be with Jason and Susan. Watched TV, played on my laptop and just enjoyed being with them. It was nice. When when Cassie came back she gave me another hug and kiss, played on the computer and gave me another hug and kiss before I left. As she got back on the computer and I told her good-bye she waved and gave me a sad face. She said that she missed me . . . but she didn't want to come home. LOL! I don't blame her there. Knowing my mom I wouldn't want to be here either. But it made me feel good that she misses me. It reassures me that I'm loved very much. It's probably hit me stronger then anything else that's been said or done. Not that I want her to be unhappy, but it's nice to know she misses me too.

Other than that, my son drove me insane today. I go to wake him up for school this morning to find out he didn't have school and wouldn't have school for the next week or two. He missed the counselor and paperwork he needed to sign I guess. He says he can see the counselor in a week or two (which I don't remember. I need to ask him again.) and he can go back to school, but none of us were happy about this. I have to wonder if it's because he's missed so much school. I hope that's not the case, but I don't know. And he lies so who knows what's the truth anymore. But I'm hoping for the best otherwise he might have to go live somewhere else. I don't want to see that happen. I want him to do well and succeed. I hope he will finally put forth effort for his future. I can only try to guide him and so far I guess I haven't been so hot at that. I have beat myself up over that too. But there's only so much I can do. He's 19 years old now and I did what I could. I might have sucked with structure, but I did try. Anyway, I'm going to try not to let it get to me.

Guess that's about it. I just watched "Being Human" and now "Hawaii 5-0" is on, so I'm going to run and finish watching it. I am glad I do feel better today. Maybe part of the issue is that I just need to get out of the house more. I bet that would help.

Mood Swings SUCK!

Sleep is going to continue to be an on-going issue. I slept and slept and slept today. I didn't want to get it. In fact, Karissa cuddled right up against me and feeling her warmth and her purr really made me want to stay just how I was. And I had some strange dreams. In one I was driving and my best friend was next to me and had something she wanted me to look at and somehow it ended up in front of my face, but I couldn't look at it and I had to tell her I'd have to look at it later. Go figure. Weird. Then I had another dream that I can't quite remember. Just random stuff like a strange piece of furniture.

Then I was okay for awhile. Jordan and I had dinner. We watched some TV together - "Pawn Stars". But then I got some texts from Jason. It started as "Hi, how you doing" kind of stuff, but when he told me what he was doing it was he was with Susan and Cassie just watching TV and that they missed me. I don't know. I just felt like I should be with Cassie. She's my daughter. My girl . . . but I don't want her in this toxic environment. I know I say over and over that I'm doing the right thing. I know I am. But maybe I just have to say it so much so that I remind myself constantly. Missing her really isn't getting better though.

Anyway, the only other thing I've been doing is playing on Facebook. I had to force myself to go onto my games. I don't like feeling like that and I think it's just the mood swings between being okay and then depressed and sad. But I played Happy Island, Happy Aquarium and Happy Pets. I actually checked almost all my accounts on there because I needed blessings for a trapped pet in my Happy Pets room #1. Turned out to be a Glacier Dog. It's cool. I have Glacier cats and a butterfly too, so I was happy with that. I'm glad I did it and I enjoyed it when I got started. I guess I'm just depressed and it just depends on the level of depression I'm on.

Tomorrow I have to wake up early no matter if I want to or not. My mom needs to get blood taken for labs and then she wants to go to Walmart. I just hope that I feel better tomorrow. I don't want to keep feeling like this.  I try to look at the positives like I spend more time with Jordan. I don't HAVE to wake up early. I don't have to worry about Cassie's homework or getting her to school. But it just doesn't hold a candle to my missing her.

Well, I think I'm going to see if there's anything I can get as a snack then finish watching "Iron Chef American" and then hopefully go back to sleep. I'm actually still tired so it might work. Of course, my sinuses are giving me nothing but trouble so we'll see. And tomorrow I have to set aside some time to write, but not tonight. Concentrating is hard. Even writing this I've had to stop and start a couple of times. It's all signs of depression . . . Ugh! IT SUCKS!!

Movie, Reading, TV and Cookies

Today hasn't been real exciting. I really wanted to just sleep all day. Guess that's the depression still hanging around. I've also been tired all day, but that's because of the muscle relaxer. Jason told me he and Susan got Cassie a bed. It's a good thing, but it still hurts I'm doing the right thing, but it still hurts and probably will continue forever or until things change in some way. But things are the way they are. They need to stay that way for now and probably for a long time. 

Outside of that, the day was okay. Jordan and I watched "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" which was pretty good, though I prefer happy endings. Then I watched some TV but mostly I was reading today. It was nice to just read. I really haven't done enough of that over the last year. "Next" has really drawn me in. Some things I want to look up that were mentioned in the book like a glowing bunny. I think that's real. I remember something about it on the news or a show I watched on Discovery or Animal Planet or something. It really makes you think about genes and genetics.

Anyway, after dinner I watched "House" and read during commercials. LOL! Then after my mother went to sleep Jordan and I went to the store and got Daddy's Cream Sodas and chocolate chip cookies. I know, so healthy, but we both wanted something sweet. When we got back we ate cookies and watched more "House" together. At least the one thing I can say is Jordan and I are spending more time together. Even at 19 I think he still needs time with his mom. At least I hope so. When it comes to a completely empty nest I am really going to be in a bad way. It's so sad to say but it's true. I don't think Empty Nest Syndrome will hit anyone worse then me. Maybe as bad as me, but not worse. 

Well, I'm tired. Karissa is sleeping. Jordan's watching TV and I'm reading to take my medication and go to bed. Sleeping is a good thing though I wonder if I'll have the will to wake up early. Guess we'll find out in the morning.

 

Medication Knocked My Ass OUT!

Today I woke up around 11:30am. Earlier than usual. I needed to Cassie's school and pick up a record of her attendance. Then I had to go up to the welfare office and drop it off. Turned out I didn't need to wait in a long line. They have a new system that seems to work good. At least at around noon! LOL! I got to walk right up to the window I needed and was done in less th an 5 minutes. It was great! Getting home, even my mother couldn't believe how quickly I had gotten back. 

The bad thing was that I had taken a muscle relaxer before I left and by the time I got home I was getting really tired. I tried to spend some time reading, but I was having a hard time keeping awake. Instead of fighting it, I put on Destination Truth and took a nap. I didn't wake up until dinner. 

During dinner Jordan put on "High Plains Drifter" not knowing anything about it except that it was a Clint Eastwood movie. I got very interested in it and continued watching it after dinner. Turned out to be a great revenge flick so I was pretty impressed with it. I might try to get it on DVD one of these days. I really enjoy revenge flicks! LOL! Then I watched "True Grit" with John Wayne. It was good though not as good as the other movie. I want to see the new one with Jeff Bridges. THAT looks good too. 

Anyway, I'm still tired. Took another muscle relaxer and the anti-inflamatory. I'm sure it will kick in and I'll get more sleep. I might not take as much tomorrow though I only took what was prescribed. But I don't want to end up sleeping my life away. 

The bad thing is I got depressed again. At the moment I'm not so bad, but I hate the fact that it comes back to easily. It was set off by a simple statement. Jason didn't mean anything by it, but he said Cassie doesn't miss school when she's with them. She doesn't fight about getting up and she doesn't complain of being sick. Just makes me feel like crap like I was a fuck-up mom. So yeah, I'm sort of back to that, though not as bad. I guess that's a good thing.

Anyway, guess I'll close this up and finish watching "Being Human." Yeah, my life has a lot to do with TV and movies. LOL! Oh well. It is what it is.